Original subtitles

I'm sorry, sir, but you really can't take that on board. Our luggage bins are

too small and it won't fit under the seat.

Oh, no. Is there any way I can get this on the plane?

It's a brand new golf bag.

I'm sorry.

How about if I bought a seat for it? I'm afraid we're all booked out.

Well... Then here.

Merry Christmas.

And Merry Christmas to you, too.

Oh, Joe, we're doing a lot better than last Christmas.

Please, Joe, tell me that no one's made a reservation for that stupid Christmas

Day flight tomorrow.

Not yet.

Well, can't you cancel it?

I want to go skiing as much as you do, but we're the only ones flying to New

Bedford tomorrow.

Sometimes we just have to give up our own holidays so that other people can

enjoy theirs.

All right, all right, tell you what, tell you what. You give me Christmas Day

off, okay, and I will work Flag Day, Arbor Day, I'll even throw in St.

Swithin's Day.

Did I hear we're working on St.

Swithin's Day?

Half day.

So, Faye, what are you doing for the holidays? You never said.

Oh, well, you know, the usual.

I'm having a few friends over for a traditional Christmas dinner, and it's

really too bad you boys can't make it.

Don't you worry about us, Faye.

Joey and I are going to go skiing in Vermont.

Joe's going to be working on a slalom, and I'm going to be teaching some ski

bunny how to do a double Brian.

Look, Brian, I'll make you a deal. If we don't get a reservation by 5 o'clock,

we'll take off from Vermont. Deal. Great. No reservation, no flight.

I love this man.

Yellow.

Uh, no.

Never heard of Sandpiper Air.

This is Buck's Bait and Tackle Shop. You're talking to the Buckster.

No, no Sandpiper Air, but if you're ever in the market for a little chopped

squid, I... Hello?

So, are you excited about your folks coming in from Texas for the holiday?

Ah, you bet.

But I'm even more excited that they're not going to spend it with my sister.

Why's that?

Well, they always spend Christmas in Hawaii with Lorraine and her rich,

stupid husband and those little fall brat kids.

Lorraine calls me every Christmas morning, collect. And it's always, holly

ockle of this and kill away of that. Well, not this year. This year when

those two little monsters ask her, where's Grandma and Grandpa? She's going

to have to tell them they're not here.

They're at Aunt Helen's.

Woo!

Boy, this is going to be an awesome Christmas.

Hey, Evelyn Cochran.

Well. I'll be darned. Hello, Frank.

What brings you here?

Oh, I'm picking up my daughter and her hippie boyfriend.

He's a communist, but that doesn't keep him from smoking my cigars.

See, I haven't seen you in, well,

it's got to be over a year. Well, ever since George died. Well, there didn't

seem to be much reason to go down to the marina once I sold our boat.

You know, I have been so busy, I've been hanging lights on my cabin cruiser for

this year's Christmas boat parade.

Oh, they're still doing that thing?

Oh, that's great, because my brother Joe entered a little sailboat once, and he

spent hours making Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer out of all these colored

lights, but I rearranged the lights so that something other than Rudolph's nose

lit up.

He didn't win.

Here they are. Excuse me, please.

My daughter and Mr. Trotsky have arrived.

Oh.

What a rancid little rooster he is.

Oh, I know I shouldn't say that at Christmastime, but he used to make

George so mad.

Every year, George would spend weeks decorating our boat. Then Frank would

win the grand prize and really rub it in.

George would have given anything to be able to beat that little winkersinker.

So I've got this extra room, so...

My folks will be staying with me.

Well, I'm putting up some relatives myself.

My mother-in-law's in for the week. Oh, she's not so bad.

No, I just bit my tongue. That really hurts.

Then don't do that.

Bunny's mom, she's a great old gal.

Doesn't look a day over 40.

Yeah? How old is she?

40.

and welcome to the new Kids on the Block hotline. Press 1 for Geordie, 2 if

Donnie's your fave, 3 for Danny, and thanks for calling Sandpiper. Hello, can

I help you?

Yeah, yeah, there are still seats available for tomorrow's flight.

Just one seat, Mr. Tolbert?

Yeah, it's our pleasure. Thanks for flying Sandpiper.

Brian, sorry, the guy's got a business in New Bedford. Oh, yeah? Well, just for

that. There's no such thing as Santa Claus.

You know.

Four years ago, that might have hurt.

Now, Joe, this is the worst Christmas ever. I used to think it was the one

where Mom and Dad bought us those hamsters and forgot to poke air holes in

the box.

But at least that had a moment of dramatic tension.

I cannot believe we're here on Christmas Day to take one guy to New Bedford.

It's like a tomb in here.

Merry Christmas, fellas.

Well, what are you doing here?

Well, I experienced some of that holiday stress you're always hearing about.

My wife kicked me off the boat last night.

Christmas Eve? Why?

Well, I sort of made a pass at my mother-in-law.

Well, I guess it was those hot buttered rums. One minute I'm feeling pretty

loose. Next minute, Lowell Jr.'s running around screaming, Daddy's got his hand

on Granny's num-num.

You randy old sea dog, you. You pray for an observant child, then this happens.

Merry Christmas, Roy.

Shut up. Ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay.

Roy, what are you doing here? I thought you and your son were having Christmas

together.

Well, if you must know, R.J. and his friends decided to follow the Grateful

Dead down to Gainesville.

Now, what would make a kid want to sit in a muddy field on Christmas with 20

,000 smelly, ripped-out deadheads?

The prospect of watching you chew with your mouth open?

Eat my shorts.

Were those the only two passengers on that flight? Yeah. What do you mean?

Your folks didn't show? No, and I'm getting really worried.

Well, I don't know if this is pertinent or not, Ellen, but your parents called

before you got here and said they weren't coming.

What? Well, they went to their local Christmas pageant and a camel fell on

your mother.

She's fine. Not a scratch. But they missed their last flight out of Houston.

Well, there goes my Christmas down the toilet.

Well, look, our passenger's got eight minutes to show up. If he doesn't, what

do you say we salvage what's left of this Christmas? You come skiing with

Brian and me.

That's right, Joe. There was a call for you, too.

Where is my mind?

I think Zippy the Pinhead had it last.

Some guy named Tolbert called and canceled his reservation.

He did? That's great.

Hey, Brian.

Brian. Great news.

Flight's canceled. We can go to Vermont. Oh, great, great, because I was just

listening to the weather service, and they say that the conditions are perfect

for skiing. Right. And terrible for landing.

We're snowed in.

Airport's closed.

Well, it's official.

This Christmas sucks.

Looks like Faye is the only one of us having a good holiday.

Oh, yeah, she's throwing that big Christmas party, isn't she?

You think she'd mind if we dropped by?

No, man, let's try it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, we should at least call her first.

Oh, yeah, God knows what those old people do with their shades down. Come

on, Joe, let's go.

Roy, Lowell, we're gonna go crash Faye's party.

Couldn't be any worse than this.

It's busy.

Wait, if it looks like we're intruding, we should leave. Let's work out some

kind of signal, though.

All right.

I'll touch the brim of my cap, and that means that we leave. You got it? Right.

All right. Okay.

No, wait. I don't have a cap on.

All right. How about this?

I'll touch my nose with my tongue.

No, wait. Last time I tried that, I sprained my tongue, couldn't talk for a

week.

Good. We'll go with that one.

Merry Christmas.

On the count of three, ready? One, two, three.

Merry Christmas!

What?

What is it?

Dave, why are you sitting here?

You're all alone.

In the dark.

Well, it's just that... Well, it's my first Christmas since George died.

Would it be impolite to ask for some eggnog?

Hey, what didn't you tell us? Why did you make up that story about a party?

Well, I didn't feel much in the holiday spirit, and I knew you dear people would

try to cheer me up. Anyway, I didn't want to ruin your Christmas.

Well, thanks for the thought, Faye, but that train left the station hours ago.

Hey, guys, maybe we better get going.

No, don't go.

The company might do me some good.

Then we'd be happy to stay.

Happy? Happy.

Happy. But I wouldn't want to impose.

Oh, don't be silly.

We came to spend Christmas with you.

Oh, and I feel much better already.

Well, just make yourselves comfortable. Sit anywhere.

No,

not there.

No, that's the chair George died in.

That chair?

Yes, I hope you don't mind. No, I don't mind at all. Just stand right over

there.

There's got to be something better on than this Japanese channel.

Oh, look, that old lady falls down and can't get up in Tokyo, too.

Yeah, well, sayonara.

No, don't.

I'm sorry, Royce. That was the last thing George was watching before he

died. The Japanese channel?

Well, he sort of passed away in mid-click.

Say, are you saying that you haven't changed anything in this house since

George died?

Well, I just haven't touched George's thing.

His pipe is where he left it. His book is open to the page he was on.

His dentures are soaking in his cup by the bookcase.

I

know

it must seem silly, but somehow it just makes me feel that he's not really gone.

Well, look.

Why don't I change out of this robe and we'll do this holiday right?

We're not going to, like, find George sitting up in a rocking chair or

anything.

He's got a point. Let's go.

Wait, look.

We came here because we're all depressed. We're having a lousy

Christmas. But it just so happens that Faith's having an even lousier

Christmas. The least we can do is stick her around and see her through this.

Joe's right. I hadn't really thought about it much, but we're the closest

thing to family she's got.

Gee, us, family.

Guess that would make Roy the weird bachelor uncle that no one ever talks

about, huh?

Oh, hi.

Thank you, Helen. Thank you, everyone.

And Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Now what?

Oh, yeah, I know.

Let's have a Christmas dinner.

Well, the stores are closed, and I don't think I have the right food for

Christmas dinner. Hey, nonsense.

We don't need the right food. We'll make do with what we have, like the Pilgrims.

Joe, the Pilgrims were Thanksgiving.

Oh, like they didn't eat on Christmas, too?

Say, Roy, how about passing me some of that festive wheat germ?

Only if you'll send one of those Yuletide rice cakes my way.

Mmm, how do they make them so dry?

Without a solid, croutons are just stale bread, right?

You know, back in the manger, they would have been happy to have this stuff.

Oh, yeah, I remember reading somewhere that cocktail onions were a particular

favorite of the baby Jesus.

So how you doing, Faye?

Fine. Can I get you anything?

Fine. Hey, I have an idea. Let's sing some Christmas carols. I'll start it

off. Play bells ring.

Are you listening?

It's late.

Snow is glistening.

A beautiful sight.

Walking in my winter underwear.

I think the lyrics are walking in a winter wonderland.

That would be silly, Brian.

Wonderland's a dog track, and I'm pretty sure it's closed in the winter.

Trust me, it's underwear.

Lo, why don't you go in the kitchen and see if you can scare off some dessert?

All right, you got it, Joe.

I'll be Joan for Christmas.

Why is it whenever I'm around him, I hear dueling banjos?

Every year, George would sing that song to me.

There's words to that song? I thought it was just banjos.

I'll be home for Christmas.

You can count on me.

Everybody now.

Good news, I found the cookie jar.

I can hear something rattling around in here. No,

no, don't! What's wrong?

George is in here.

Actually, George wanted to have his ashes scattered at sea, but I just

couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't throw them away.

Faye, it may not be my place, but I don't think George would have wanted you

to live like this.

Oh, I know, and it's not as if I haven't had to deal with death before. After

all, I had two other Georges go on me, but this George was different.

This was the George I wanted to grow old with.

Faith, do you think maybe it's time to let go?

If George wanted his ashes scattered at sea, maybe this would be the perfect

time to do it.

It could be sort of like a Christmas present to George. We could go up in the

plant right now and do it.

Yeah.

Well, maybe now would be a good time.

Maybe you're right.

Great. Then let's go.

Boy, this Christmas just keeps getting better and better.

Say, you okay?

I think so.

I still can't believe I'm doing this.

There's a lot of that going around.

It's a bit overcast, but I think we're far enough away from shore.

Well, you want to go back and get George?

I'd be honored.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Faye, I am convinced this is exactly what George would have wanted.

Whoops.

Well, maybe not exactly.

What happened?

I, uh, spilled George.

It'll be okay. Lowell, there's a dust buster in the back of the plane there.

Right. You have a dust buster on the plane?

Yeah, sure, make fun, but it comes in handy for just such an emergency.

Boy, this little baby really has great suction.

I knew this wasn't right.

Now, Faye... No, Joe, I can't do it. I can't let George go.

Look, Faye...

Those ashes aren't George.

They're just ashes.

I lost Sylvia a few years ago, and I know what it's like not to want to let

go, but, Faye, you gotta let go.

This is so hard.

We know.

We know.

Well, I think I got all of them.

I need a moment.

It takes as long as you need.

Well, look, if we're gonna do this, we better do it soon, because we're running

low on fuel.

Sweet mother of God. Stop kidding.

but I really have to go to the bathroom.

This is the loveliest funeral I've ever been to.

You know, Faye, if you're uncomfortable with this, we don't have to do it today.

We can do it another day.

Lowell, give me the dust buster.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to bury George at sea.

In my dust buster?

It's brand new.

Shouldn't somebody say something?

How about bombs away?

I don't think I'm up to giving a eulogy.

Faye, if you'll allow me.

No, I... Please.

Today we say goodbye to a loved one.

Someone who filled our lives with joy and meaning, laughter and tears.

Someone who touched our souls and moved our hearts.

We thank him for the time he shared with us here on earth.

And now, sadly, send his spirit to the heavens and body to the sea.

And, Lowell, I'm impressed.

It was really touching.

Yeah, well, I guess I've just flushed one too many turtles in my time.

I don't know. I guess I did the right thing.

You did, Faye. I know you did. Oh, well, thanks, Helen. I just wish there was

some way I could be sure that it was okay with George.

Bye-bye, Jenny.

Dasvidanya, comrade.

Oh, hi, Faye. How was your Christmas?

It had better. Well, mine was worse.

I was down at the boat parade when the damnedest thing happened.

The judges were like, oh, two slips away from my boat when suddenly, from out of

nowhere, this thing fell from the sky.

right through my prow, and it sunk the boat like a stone.

That's incredible.

This one fellow swore that the thing looked something like a dust buster.

I wonder where something like that could have come from.

Oh, Frank, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Well, there's always next year.

Thanks, George.

And a Merry Christmas to you, too.