Original subtitles

And now to hear our sandpiper air flight 16 from New Bedford. And welcome to our

lovely island of Nantucket. As you stroll through town, you'll probably

notice my prize-winning rose garden.

Please don't pick the flowers.

I have a fungo bat, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Helen. Yeah. What time should I pick you up? Yeah, for what?

You don't remember?

Joe, help me out here. Haven't I been talking about this date all week? You

talk all the time. I kind of have to listen.

Brian, this is another one of your attempts at getting me to go out on a

date with you. Forget about it. How many times do I have to tell you?

I don't date pilots. You've used that excuse at least a zillion times. That

long laugh.

What have you got against pilots?

Look, I grew up in this airport.

I know you guys.

It's like you all are members of some exclusive little club that none of the

rest of us can join.

You're so smug, so superior.

Well, can you fly a plane?

No, no, really.

A guy like Joe. Rock solid.

Owns his own airline.

A tad boring, but a good Yankee stock. What about him?

Yeah. What about me?

He may seem a little more grown up on the surface, but underneath that

hairless chest speaks the heart of a pilot.

Not a little.

You're looking too far down, Joe.

So enlighten us. What's your idea of the perfect man?

Oh, I don't know.

Solid, sensitive, and dependable, but with a sense of whimsy. A love of music

and children. A sense of commitment, but a respect for my independence.

Adventurous, yet a homebody.

But I really hadn't thought about it that much.

Sounds great, Helen, but Kermit is a frog.

So you're saying that if Mr. Wright waltzed in here and he was a pilot, you

still would not go out with him?

Absolutely. Pilots and commitments don't mix. Oh, come on, Helen.

What about all those pilots in the world who are happily married?

I know both of them. And they're cheating on their wives.

Hey, Faith.

You know how I've been complaining I can never get a hold of Lowell when I need

him? Well, my communication problems are over. Watch this.

Hey, Lowell.

I need you at the counter.

Hey, Roy.

Did you see that, Faith?

This thing works like a charm.

Have you seen that walkie-talkie you gave me?

You need me. Call me on this thing and I'll be here on the double.

Schubert.

The child quintet. Fourth movement.

It's my favorite piece of chamber music.

Mine too.

I think of all the pieces of music about fish, it's by far the most beautiful.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

Take a look at this.

You enjoy theater, don't you?

Yeah, why?

The curtain's rising. It's act one, scene one of the new smash hit play,

Helen Meets Her Dream Guy, by Brian Hackett. What are you babbling about?

I hired that man down there to be Helen's dream guy.

What? He's actually Matt Sargent, a distinguished actor, noted for many

magnificent performances, such as this, and Death of a Seltzer, and Mercutio,

and Romeo and Juliet, currently.

He's the truck driver in that Milk and Magnesia ad.

Oh, yeah.

He's good in that. Very convincing discomfort.

I came over to the islands to do a little painting. Oh, really?

Watercolors? Oils?

Varnish. I'm doing a deck on my summer place.

All right, I'll fight. Why is he pretending to be Helen's dream guy?

Brilliant plan.

Matt is going to be everything Helen ever wanted in a guy and more, and then

he's going to tell her that he's a pilot. Helen still goes out on a date

with him, and she'll never be able to use any one of those flimsy excuses on

me ever again.

Brian, do I have to tell you how stupid this idea is?

Please do, Joe. Just for old time's sake, I miss it so.

You go through an awful lot of trouble. Do you really want to date with her that

badly? Joe, I'm used to having women either loving me or hating me. And this

bizarre middle ground of adult mature friendships just makes my skin crawl.

All right. So you get a date. What's next?

I don't know, Joe. I'm not you. I don't need to know everything in advance. I

don't need to know that we're having chicken next Tuesday night for dinner.

Roast pork. It'll never work, Brian. Yes, it will.

Because I'm an expert at manipulating people. I have absolute control over the

human psyche. I am the puppet master.

Watch. Have my marionettes dance for me.

Finally, someone who hates sushi.

You just won't get it.

High on the hill, most of them. This

is

Raging Stallion.

This is Raging Stallion.

What? I didn't say anything.

Well, I certainly could have.

This is Arrow Mass Business, Faye. It does not concern you.

Come in, Red Raider.

Can I talk to Faye?

Okay,

okay. No need to talk to her, Q.

Hello, this is Faye.

Did you bring that scampi recipe in today?

Yes, I did. Do you want it now?

in Korea.

They eat dogs there, you know.

Fire away.

Um, all right, Red Raider. Take one pound of shrimp, shelled and deveined.

Excuse me, but who is shelled and deveined? I know most of the people on

this island.

That is shelled and deveined, you idiot!

Which is exactly what I'm gonna do to you if you don't get back to work.

Yes, it is.

Uh-oh.

I'll be hiding out behind the utility shed.

Don't tell Roy.

He won't hear it from me.

Good morning, Helen. No, it's not a good morning. It is a great morning. It is a

fantastic morning. The kind of morning that just makes life worth living. Yeah,

I know what you mean. The kind of morning when you want to spray yourself

with lemon sledge and slide down a banister.

Why so chipper?

I met a guy.

Oh, really?

We went on a date last night, and I had the best time.

Candlelight dinner, cappuccino on the wall, terrific sex.

What? Just saying if you're listening.

You know I hate cappuccino.

Hi, here he comes.

Who is that? I saw this in the garden this morning, and it was so beautiful.

I knew you had that habit.

Thank you.

It wasn't easy, though. Some crazy lady chased me five blocks with a pungo bag.

Matt, I'd like to introduce you to Joe and Brian Hackett.

How are you, Joe?

Hi, Matt.

Young Matthew, huh?

Where do you live from?

New York. Oh, really?

And what do you do there?

I fly. I'm a pilot for Pan Am. Uh-huh.

You never told me that.

I can't believe that never came up.

Oh, well, listen.

I have to run. I came by to tell you that I will pick you up tonight at 8.

Nice to meet you, fellas.

Bye, Matt.

Oh, darn, darn.

Darn, isn't that just like life? You think you found the perfect guy, and

wham, you get hit right in the teeth.

If only it wasn't for that dang no-dating pilot rule you used.

Oh,

that?

She says.

My plan has worked to perfection. Now she no longer has any more excuses to

not go out on a date with me.

Are you sure you thought this all the way through? Joe, you doubt the puppet

master? What could possibly go wrong at this point?

You know what, Brian?

I'm done with dating rules. Oh, really?

Yep, and now on.

Matt's the only guy for me.

I'm in love.

Any more bright ideas, Geppetto?

Way to go, Brian.

You managed to get Helen, who you want to go out with, to fall for a guy who

turns out to be a pilot, so she won't go out with him, but with you instead.

If we were to diagram that sentence, exactly where would you put the Gerald?

I think you know where.

You are going to tell her the truth. No, no, no, no. That's not an option. Why

not? All right, let me ask you this. Have you ever had the slightest romantic

interest in Helen?

I told you we're good friends. That's all. Are you saying that you have never

felt the faintest attraction, the tiniest yearning, the most fleeting

misfiring of a nerve in your nether regions?

Maybe. Well, you can forget that pipe dream, buddy, because if she finds out

you're in on this scheme, you are a histoire, ma'am.

What do you have in mind?

Does this mean anything to you?

Isn't that the way deaf people say sparkling water?

Matt!

Anybody see you come in here?

Just some guy in coveralls singing Moon River into a walkie-talkie.

Maybe I should, uh... No, no, no, it's okay.

Joe's one of us.

Huh? How am I doing?

Fine. Really? Because I think I got a handle on this Matt character. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, but we just have a slight problem here. Oh, you hated me. No, no,

no. We loved you.

But so did Helen. She's falling for you. That's the problem.

So we've got a slight change in our game plan. You have to make Helen not want to

see you ever again.

Oh, improvisation? I like that.

Thinking on my feet. I'm thinking on my feet.

How about this? No, no, no. It's got to be something good. Hey.

What if Matt tells Helen to quit playing the cello? She'd never give up music.

Why, Joe, you lovable weasel.

Why would I do that?

Well, you could say that you love her so much that you can't bear to share her

with her music. That's good. That's very good. I don't know, guys. I don't think

that fits in very well with my character. I mean, what's my motivation

for that? Another 50 bucks?

I can make that work.

Brian, are you done with my compact?

They were trying to spy on Matt and Helen.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Where are my manners?

Here it comes, Joe. Here it comes.

This is where Matt tells Helen to give up the cello.

Poor kid. She looks like she's in shock.

Now watch. Watch, Joe. Watch how skillfully the puppet master guides our

heroine through these emotional souls.

She doesn't believe Matt. He can't mean what he just said.

Ah, but Matt's saying yes. Yes, he did mean it.

And now comes the climax of our little play where Helen defiantly declares that

she will not give up the cello for any man.

a hand, you're going to have to tell Helen the truth.

I'm afraid that there's a little bit of a problem with that, guys.

I've fallen in love with her.

What are you talking about? Helen's wonderful.

She gave up the cello for me.

That's not you.

You're a fictional character. I hired you to play a part.

Here's your money back.

I'm not acting anymore, guys.

I love her.

Listen, honey, I know that this is sudden, but if we feel the way that we

do, why should we wait?

Will you marry me? Marry you? I can answer that. Yes, of course I can. Yes,

of course. What?

I mean, one good reason I shouldn't beat the hell out of you. I'm on your medical

plan. Go, go, go.

I know things seem a bit convoluted at the moment, but don't worry. I got

everything under control. You forget, I am the village idiot. Correct.

You are going to have to tell her the truth. What, now?

No, on the golden wedding anniversary.

Okay, okay.

Go ahead. Okay, I'm going.

Go ahead and go.

Look, uh, Helen.

I have something to say to you, and you might not be too happy.

Are you kidding? This is the happiest I've ever been. Listen, Helen.

Matt's an actor. I hired him to play a pilot.

I know.

You what?

Matt told me, and I don't care.

And you still love him? Of course I do.

Wait a minute. Matt the actor? Matt, how am I doing, Sergeant?

Isn't he great?

Camus was right.

Life is absurd.

Helen, I have to talk to you right now. It's very important.

Helen, you can't marry Matt.

Joe, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't. Do you?

No.

Well, yes, yes, there is a reason.

I don't know quite how to put this, but, well, I never thought I'd do this. Not

like this.

Not now.

Hey, wait a minute.

Joe, what the hell are you doing? What happened to her? Just good friends.

Oh, God. Helen, I love you. Hey, pack off, buddy. She loves me.

I've loved you for a long time.

If I mean anything at all to you, don't go. Whoa, whoa, sensory overload.

Whoa.

Joe, I never knew you felt this way. Helen, what about us? She loves me,

don't you, Helen? Helen.

Matt,

I don't know how to say this to you, but I guess I've always loved Joe ever since

we were kids.

I just never knew he felt the same way. Helen, wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a minute.

You love Joe now? Wait a minute, you're going to dump me just like that? Hey,

put your hands off her.

Are you going to take her away from me?

You got another thing coming, Joe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take it easy now. Helen and I belong together.

I love her. Yeah, of course you love her. We all love her. She's a sweetie.

She's a cutie. She's a die for. Wrong phrase. Shut up.

Shutting up. Shutting up.

Matt, don't do this. We can all talk about this.

Does that mean you'll marry me? He is quite a catch.

a measly day for me. I didn't expect this to happen.

No, no, no, no. Don't go in there. Don't go in there.

Please don't go in there.

talk to you with me so we'll be in constant communication.

Okay, but don't take too long, Roy. I'm starting to lose feeling in my face.

And home, Roy? You betcha.

See you tomorrow, Helen.

Good night, Helen.

Good night.

Hey, thanks again for tipping me off about Matt.

Yeah, I knew right off the bat this was a pretty stupid stunt, even by Brian's

standards. Prop gun, fake cello.

Yeah, it was fun sticking it to him.

Yeah, it sure was.

You should have picked me by surprise, though. We talked about the kiss.

No, we didn't.

I could swear we did.

I think I would have remembered.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

No, that's okay. I thought it worked out all right.

Yeah, me too.

It was a good kiss.

Uh-huh.

You didn't think it was good?

No, it's fine.

Fine, but not good?

some technique, that's all.

You're a stiff-lipper and I'm a soft.

No big deal.

I never really thought about it before. Does it make that much of a difference?

Yes.

Here, I'll help you.

You want to kiss me again? Oh, don't be stupid. This is just an acting exercise.

Now, just relax.

Don't pucker up like Dudley Do-Right. Just relax.

What's that?

That was better. That was much better.

That's the tip.

Night. Good night.