Original subtitles

WEBVTT FILE

-Hello.

-Hey.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS) -Woo-hoo!

-That's for the haters.

(GRUNTS) -Clang, clang.

(INAUDIBLE) (MAKING GUNSHOT SOUND EFFECTS)

-Oh! (SHOUTING)

-Yeah! (LAUGHING)

(THEME MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BANGING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

(TYPREWRITER CLACKING)

(TYPREWRITER BELL RINGS)

-Nau mai, piki mai!

Welcome to the grand finale of season five of Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells.

This is the episode that matters

where our winner is crowned and where history is written.

And by history

I mean the Taskmaster New Zealand Wikipedia page.

(LAUGHTER)

-And tonight we'll find out which of our five comedians

will go home with this...

-AUDIENCE: Whoa!

-..the golden Taskmaster trophy.

Here to win my magnificent golden bust, we have...

Abby Howells...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-..Ben Hurley...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-..Hayley Sproull...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-..and Tom Sainsbury.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-Now, Tofiga Fepulea'i has been unable to join us in the studio

for the season.

But we've had incredible guests to stand in in his place.

And this episode is no exception.

Please give a huge round of applause to the one, the only Chris Parker.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) -Thank you.

-And by my side, as always, a man who dresses like a butler

acts like a butler

and mostly undertakes the work of a butler.

It's Paul Williams.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-Wow, what a smoke show. Look at you tonight.

-Actually, Paul Williams couldn't be here.

I'm his great grandfather.

I've time travelled forward from 1920.

And I'm filling in for him this evening, ya see?

-Oh! -Oh!

-What do you reckon?

-That's so hot. TOM: Ten out of ten.

-Oh, yeah.

-Like a sexy pedophile.

(LAUGHTER)

-Is that the first time those two words have been...

-Yeah, probably.

-Yeah. It's good to see you made an effort,

unlike Tom here.

-Have some decorum.

-I've been wearing a suit this entire season, right?

And then I get told to wear my best tonight.

So, I'm, like, well, I've chucked on my house-abouts.

-Let's get to it, Paul.

What prize task did we ask our contestants to bring in today?

-Tonight, we've asked our contestants to bring in the best thing

that will still be here in a million years.

-AUDIENCE: Whoa!

-Tom, what long lasting thing of you bought in?

-OK, so for my prize, I have brought honey.

(LAUGHTER)

Honey never goes off.

So, it's going to be here in a million years,

and you'll be like... You'll be like, "Hello. I'll eat honey."

I'm being you as a cyborg.

"I will enjoy this honey.

"Ooh my..."

"Mechanical receptors are going crazy for this honey!"

(LAUGHTER)

-Would Jeremy as a cyborg be any different?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

-You pose a good question, actually.

-Abby.

-I had another thing planned.

Then I had a dream.

Where a voice told me

the perfect thing to bring in for this task is elegance.

(LAUGHTER)

As represented by a top hat and monocle in this picture.

But, the answer, Jeremy,

it's elegance.

-This came to you in a dream?

-Yes.

-Do you think will remain elegant when the world's, like, on fire

and we're all at war together and there's, like, no more food?

-Elegance is timeless.

(LAUGHTER)

Timeless elegance.

It's elegance, Jeremy!

-As represented by a top hat and a monocle.

-Oh, baby it's elegance!

It's the answer!

-I don't think I ever want to hear that word ever again.

-Ben.

-Jeremy, my thing that's going to be here in a million years

is obvious to every person from Aotearoa, New Zealand.

I think you'll all agree.

It is the right honourable Winston Peters.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

-Now...

I did ask him to be on the show.

And he declined.

So, I sent this email to him.

"Dear sir, I hope this email finds you well.

"It probably will because you are immortal.

"Please supply the following information

"under the Official Information Act.

"What is your secret to everlasting life?

"And what are your plans for the 1,002,026 election?"

I'm supposed to have received that

within 20 working days of me sending it.

Which was this morning.

(LAUGHTER)

Did you write in italics, Ben?

-I did.

Do you know why?

Elegance. Yeah. Elegance, baby!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE) -It's the answer!

-Hayley, what did you bring in

that's going to be around in a million years?

-Jeremy, this is where I would like to admit

that I have lived a life of privilege.

And, you know, I have loved every minute of it.

(LAUGHTER)

-So, the thing that I have, without a doubt, utter faith,

will still be here in a million years,

is my family bach.

It's that one just on the cliff there...

(LAUGHTER)

-And there's no doubt in my mind, Jeremy

that in a million years, this beautiful waterfront property

will still be here for tonight's winner to enjoy.

(LAUGHTER)

-I'm assuming you want to lose this task.

-Why would I want that?

It's such a fantastic bach in a prime location

and totally insurable.

(LAUGHTER)

-Chris, what did you bring in for Tofiga?

-Well, this thing, you know,

I'll have, like, a big night out

and then I'll see that it's still there.

And then sometimes, like, weeks will go on

and it's still there.

Years will go on, it's still there.

And so I brought in loose glitter.

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, me and Abby both have glitter on our eyelids tonight.

And we will until we die, I guess, now.

-That glitter's from my house.

-Yeah, I know. Got ya.

-OK.

By the looks of how Hayley's bach is going to be around for...

I'm going to give it 15 years, and that's gone.

So, one point for Hayley.

Winston Peters will lasts for another 120 years.

But, I think the email will go. So, two points for Ben.

Elegance will last as long as humans are here.

And so, I think three points for you Abby.

And I think Tom's honey will last probably the next amount of time.

So, that's four points for Tom.

And I think the glitter will last... Glitter will be around forever.

-We all agree...

(APPLAUSE)

-Should we get a season score update?

-It might be our tightest season yet.

With a one point lead on 150, it's Haley Sproull.

(APPLAUSE)

-OK, Paul, I'm ready for the first proper task

of the last episode of the season.

-Of course, Jeremy. Here it is.

-TOM: Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

-Yoo hoo! Only me!

-Hello, Abby.

-Mate, you like bringing me into this little caravan, ay?

-Yeah.

-Isa!

(LAUGHTER)

-It's a phone there.

-Yeah.

-"Text the stranger and guess their age."

-"You cannot use numbers in your questions.

"And they cannot use numbers and the answers".

-"You may not use the internet. You have one guess."

-I have one guess? -Yeah.

-"Closest approximation to their age wins.

"You have ten minutes.

"Your time starts now."

-"So, use this. Text any stranger".

-The stranger.

-The stranger. Oh.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-Alright, should we get into it?

-Up first, it's Haley Sproull and Tom Sainsbury.

-Hi, stranger.

Wazzup!

Now, if they get that reference,

it's going to put them in an age bracket for me.

-She's like, "Hey, stranger. Wazzup?"

-"Heyyy"... OK. Multiple Y's and lowercase.

I'm thinking Gen Z.

-Hi, sweetheart.

Did you grow up with records, cassettes, CDs or Spotify?

-"Hi, sweetheart?" That's very presumptive.

-I grew up with most of them. OK.

-Whatcha doing?

-Nothing much.

-"Just sitting. Txting."

Ooh, they're abbreviating though.

Now, I'm thinking boomer.

This feels like my mum when she texts.

-Do you know who Hilary Duff is?

-Do I know who Hilary Duff is?

-"Duh. Yes". -Bit of attitude.

-Do you love... Taylor Swift?

"Hell no."

OK.

"Me neither. She's lame. LOL."

-"Duh. Yes, I know Hilary Duff is."

I'm thinking they're in their thirties."

-I'm gonna say, "What are you wearing..."

"in a non sexy way?"

-I am wearing...

-"Baggy jeans."

Now, I think it's Gen Alpha. It's a millennial.

I'll say "Do you like skinny jeans?"

-"Do you like skinny jeans? I miss them."

-"God no."

I'll say "Jokes. So lame."

-"Jokes so lame." This person seems old.

(LAUGHTER)

Who was Prime Minister when you were at high school?

-I wasn't interested.

-"I have no idea. I was more interested in other stuff."

-Who is the cutest celeb?

-Probably....

I'm not sure this person might know this person.

-"Probably Central Fee."

-I think it's to be Central Cee.

-Do you know who they are? -I do.

-What do they look like? -Quite hot.

-I'm gonna say "I like Jason Mamoa."

-"I like Jason Mimosa."

-I just said "I like Jason Mimosa."

Far out.

I got it!

Do you like mimosas? They might be under age.

This will give me an age limit.

Eighteen or under. Yes.

"Yes"?!

Can you legally drink... Mimosas?

No they can't.

Naughty, naughty.

-Were you born after...

'Titanic' was on at the movies?

(LAUGHS)

-They said, "No".

-Can you legally drink next year?

-I feel like she's slowly getting there.

-I got you, I've got you, stranger.

OK. Dot, dot, dot, it's coming!

(PHONE CHIMES)

-What'd they say?

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

-I just really felt a connection with this girl.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-So, Hayley, my two favorite quotes were you saying

"I just really felt a connection with this girl."

And then her saying,

"This person seems old."

-Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, um...

-Tom, I felt like you were at an instant disadvantage

because the woman you had on the other line

seemed to really hate you from the start.

(LAUGHTER)

The feeling is completely mutual.

(LAUGHTER)

-You were slightly stitched up

by having the only 58 year old who would respond "Duh"

to, "Do you know Hilary Duff?"

-Thank you!

-She's a sassy Karen. I liked her. -She certainly was.

So, where did we get to in the end?

-So, Tom guessed '34'. -Yeah.

-And she was 58. -Woah.

-So, 24 years off.

Hayley guessed '17'.

And she was 17.

(APPLAUSE) -Wow.

OK.

-Bang on.

-OK.

Well that's it for the first part of the show.

But here's a task for you at home.

Buy one of every product you're about to be advertised,

and try to keep New Zealand TV alive for just a little bit longer.

We'll see you after this.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-Hoki mai ano, welcome back to 'Taskmaster'.

What were we doing, Paul?

I'm getting old and losing my memory.

-That's OK, Jeremy.

I will be here as your body declines.

(LAUGHTER)

-Our comedians were each texting a different stranger

and trying to guess their age.

So far, we've seen Hayley and Tom.

Now it's time for Abby Howells, aged 33.

And Ben Hurley, aged 40 to 50, according to his agent.

(LAUGHTER)

It's accurate. -It's Abby and Ben.

-Nice day for a dance.

-"Nice day for a dance. What do you like to listen to?"

'Uptown Funk'. Ooh!

What that is... is an extremely generic song

that pretty much everybody likes.

-Do you have a phone?

And if so, what make is it?

-"Do you have a phone? And if so, what make is it?"

-They have a Samsung.

-OK.

-OK. I think that maybe older.

Do you remember the war?

(LAUGHTER)

-Yeah. I do remember the war!

I was born before the war! (CHUCKLES)

-Which war? (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHTER)

The Falklands?

No, actually, I'm going to go with Iraq.

-Says, "The new Samsung phone" and then it says "Iraq".

And then it says no after that.

I don't understand what's going on here.

-"Do you remember when the Mars rover went to Mars?"

-No.

-Just, "No"? -Yeah.

-What age would that suggest?

-Maybe younger.

-What's your favorite movie?

-"What's your favorite movie?" I'm just trying to think.

-Text me back.

(LAUGHTER)

This is like dating in my 20s again.

Where I'm really keeping the conversation going.

-I'll just put anything on here.

-Their favourite movie is 'Braveheart'?

OK. They're older.

-Are you at school?

I don't feel like

that's an appropriate question to ask anyone.

-"Are you at school?"

-"Yes." So, they've got to be, um... 14.

-Who is your... -Celebrity crush?

-Monroe?!

OK. Marilyn.

OK, that makes me think they're even older than I thought.

-Fourteen.

-57 years old.

-Thank you, Ben.

-This is a person who's a little older, I reckon.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, the kid's so cute!

-He's so cute.

-It was very hot in here. I don't know if you could tell.

-Yeah. Sweaty Benny, wasn't it?

-I was a bit flustered.

-Abby, he did seem like he was taking a while to text back.

-Yeah. He was. It was pretty stressful.

It kind of felt like

being back in the dating scene again, like, "Oh"...

And he seemed ambivalent on me.

He seemed to think I was weird.

(LAUGHTER)

(ABBY LAUGHS)

-OK. So, Paul, how did everything go?

-Abby guessed 57.

-Mm-hm. -He was 78.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh! -Twenty-one years off.

He easily sent the fewest texts.

Bens guess - 14.

He was nine.

-Aww.

-So, five years off.

-Alright, we've got one comedian left, Paul.

-That's right, Jeremy.

It's time for Chris Parker to try to defend this.

-Oh no. (LAUGHTER)

-Hello, stranger.

How old are you?

(PHONE CHIMES)

-"Old enough."

What's a special event

that happened the year you were born?

"Tupac died."

You know what?

I don't even know when Tupac died.

-Did he even die?

-What year did Tupac die?

-Don't you know when Tupac died... (LAUGHTER)

..you dumb ass.

(LAUGHTER)

-Oh, I'm a dumbass now?

Where do you live?

You're going to see Tupac...

when I find you.

There.

Let's see who's the dumbass now.

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE CHIMES)

-"Come find me then, you bitch."

(LAUGHTER)

-Who was the captain of the All Blacks

when you were born?

-No idea. -"No idea, old man."

Oh, I'm an old man now.

-I'll say, "Why do you text so slow?"

Are your fingers too big for the keyboard?

-Ask your Mum.

-"Ask your Mum!" (CHUCKLES)

-"You wanna scrap aye?"

Yes, please.

I'm in the caravan.

(LAUGHS) He's gonna kill me.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(PHONE CHIMES) -What's that?

"Ha'u siana."

(LAUGHS)

-What does that mean? -It's Tongan.

-Like, come dox. Come scrap.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

-I'll tell you what, Chris.

That one really took a turn, didn't it?

-I'm just surprised Bubba texted back.

-Yeah.

I'm really pleased that we didn't

pare Tofiga up with any of the children.

(LAUGHTER)

-So, Tofiga guessed '27'. -Yeah.

-Bubba is 27.

-Wow. (APPLAUSE)

-Oh, goodness. OK.

-That means one point for Tom.

Two points for Abby who was 21 years off.

Five years off, three points for Ben.

Tofiga, the correct age,

and Hayley the correct age...

five points each?

-Yeah, absolutely. -Five points each.

-Well done. Thank you.

Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

-Now seems like a really, really good time to have an episode score.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

-Out in first with a perfect ten points.

It's Tofiga.

(APPLAUSE)

-Is there another task for us, Paul?

-I hope you brought your passport, Jeremy.

Because this time, we're going international.

(LIVELY MARIACHI-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oof!

-Mm.

(YAWNS)

-Knock, knock!

-Permission to come aboard?

-Permission granted. -OK.

-Oof! Far out!

(GASPS) "Invent a new country."

-"You must create a detailed and informative tourism video..."

-"...promoting your country."

-"Best new country wins."

-"You've got 45 minutes. Starting now."

-Oh, here it is here.

-What do I want out of a country?

Stone fruits.

-Did you say "stone fruits"?

-Yeah. It's like paradise. -Fresh fruit.

Because my country is going to be tropical.

-OK.

-We need really good cuisine

based mostly around bananas.

-Like a country that's just continental.

But for some reason I'm thinking about Continental Chocolates.

-Notable people.

-Jean Pierre. -Yes!

-Paul Williams?

Can you be in the video? -If you want.

-Continentilia.

-The name is based on Continental Chocolates?

-Yeah. -Discontinued, I think.

-Do they not make them anymore?

-OK, let's go.

(APPLAUSE)

-Abby, to be honest,

when, the main thing that you were focused on

with your country was stone fruit,

I thought, well, that's pretty odd.

But then Hayley picked it up straight away

and she was into the fruit as well.

-Yeah, bananas.

-Could you imagine, like, walking along

and being like, "A nectarine?"

(LAUGHTER)

-I can actually. I've done that quite a few times.

-Abby, what's the most elegant fruit?

-The plum.

-Surely, it's a lady finger.

-Yeah. Banana. Yeah.

-Banana looks like a penis.

(LAUGHTER)

-I'm just not feeling what the problem is there, sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

A penis is not the most elegant genital.

(LAUGHTER)

-OK. Are we done?

-Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

-Back to you.

-I've packed my bags and I'm ready to go.

Paul, which fictional country are we heading to first?

-First stop, it's Paulinga, with Tofiga.

-Solomocapochi from the beautiful island of Paulinga!

I want to tell you

about the most beautiful place in the world.

And when you greet people, you say, "Solomocapochi!"

Which means, "Hi, how are ya? "Let's hopefully hook up.

"And then after that we can chill and watch some Rugby League."

Solomocapochi!

Now, here on Paulinga, we have a population

of 500 million people on a small island.

It's summer all year round. That's right.

Beautiful tan, nice chocolate brown.

Yeah!

The Paulingan people, they are called "Harrrrabunda!"

-What are you filming?

-Your dancing in it.

-What?

-You had a bunda dance.

And what's even better

is when they dance and sing at the same time!

-It's really incredible.

You should come to the country

so you can see us dance and sing at the same time.

-So, why won't you visit Paulinga.

The beautiful island in the world!

Yee-hee! Cheehoo!

(SINGSONG) Solomocapochi!

(APPLAUSE)

-Five hundred million people on a tiny island!

(LAUGHTER)

-Paradise!

-Yeah.

So, that would make it the...

-Third.

-Third most populous place in the world.

-Yes. China. India. Paulinga. United States of America.

(LAUGHTER)

-That dance was good. -Yes.

-Couldn't do that dance again for us, could you?

-Yes, please.

-Come on.

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

-Wow!

-It originates because you have to kick everyone out of the way.

-Yeah.

-OK. I'd love to see some more countries.

And I will after these ads.

(APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE)

-Nau mai ano! Welcome back to 'Taskmaster'.

Who's next, Paul?

-She likes to live her life in a precious way.

Showcasing Precious Land. It's Abby Howells.

-Hello. My name is Abby Howells.

And I am the ambassador for Precious Land.

Garden of Eden, look out!

We have an abundance of stone fruit.

Juicy and delicious.

We have an active volcano.

It took out our whole financial district

and it's contributed to many of our financial woes.

I'm coming at you live from the toilet

because that's where our economy is right now.

Our head friend gave away all of our oil for some magic beans!

This is Jean Pierre, one of our nation's top exports.

And look how sad he is because of all the poverty.

Something must be done!

The people of Precious Land need you and we need your money.

So, please donate now.

Please. Our economy is in ruins.

(APPLAUSE)

OK, OK.

-Abby, would you say that that's a tourism video?

Or more of a plea for help?

-Yeah...

So, I was creating all this stuff.

Like Precious Land has a healing spring, it has stone fruit...

But I was like, it also has to have some realistic stuff.

And, I guess, poverty.

And then I got really focused on the poverty.

(LAUGHTER)

And that's what happened.

But who say a country needs to be rich to be great?

Look at Monaco. What are they doing?

(APPLAUSE)

-OK. Paul, I'm ready for another ad please.

-We've seen Paulinga.

Now showcasing Paulandia.

It's Tom Sainsbury.

-Welcome to Paulandia!

Welcome to paradise!

We have Paul Williams as king!

-Hello.

-Paulandia has so many beautiful tourist attractions, like the lake.

Paulandia has so many fun activities.

Like looking at the lake!

Paulandia, where the people are blue eyed and musically gifted.

And the national flower is flour!

(LAUGHTER)

And the national bird is a hat wearing duck!

Hello.

And now we will sing Paulandia national anthem..

Hit it!

# Quack!

# Quackity quack!

# Quack all day!

# Quack, quack, quack.

# Quack! #

So, come to Paulandia!

Come to paradise!

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you.

-OK, Tom.

How do you feel about that national anthem?

Because I've just written down here, "Not good."

(LAUGHTER)

I should have done the English version of it.

I was doing the national language, which obviously you can't interpret.

There's a full, rich, kind of, encouraging, you know,

Paulandia... Like, there's a whole thing to it.

-What's the translation?

-Oh, yeah do it for us now. That'd be great.

-OK, great.

(SINGING) # Paulandia is great

# Paulandia is fair

# I love Paulandia

# We all love Paulandia

# We are here for

-ALL (SINGING): # Paulandia! #

-OK.

(APPLAUSE)

-So, in the translated version, the melody changes as well.

-Yeah. -Right. OK.

-OK. We've got another one.

-Here with the next stop on our big O.E, Majoraland.

It's Haley Sproull.

(WITH EAST EUROPEAN ACCENT) -Hm, bananas! Or hello.

And welcome from Majoraland.

Here in the sex seas. I am Queen Minora.

And this is my country, where everything is sexy

and there is champagne on tap.

Thank you, slave.

Let me show you around.

First things first.

You might be thinking, "Queen Minora, why so many bananas?"

That's because everything in Majoraland

resemble my favorite thing.

Bananas.

(SCREAMING) Kill her!

(LAUGHTER)

-Mm!

More bananas.

Of course, you are also thinking, "Queen Minora you are so beautiful."

Well, everybody in Majoraland beautiful.

And if you're born with ugly dog face, we fix for free.

He's on waiting list.

(LAUGHTER)

-And finally, everybody in Majoraland polyamory and bisexual.

Whether it's Banana Monday or Taco Tuesday.

(LAUGHTER)

-So, if you want to live a life

that is drunk, beautiful and bisexual,

come to Majoraland!

Go. I want to female slave today.

Where is female slave?

It's Taco Tuesday.

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHING)

I think good use of the accent there.

Not too cancellable.

-No.

-You know, just... -Where is it from, you know?

-Little bit Romania. Little bit South America.

-Yeah.

-I think it was Melania Trump.

-Yeah, it was. In so many ways.

-In so many ways.

-Yeah.

Majoraland is a really beautiful, sexy place.

And, um...

-A beautiful, sexy place where slavery is still legal?

-But only for those who have not yet fixed their faces.

(LAUGHTER)

-OK, we've got one country left to visit, Paul. Where is it?

-Life is like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're going to get.

Except in this instance

when I tell you that you're going to get Ben Hurley

talking to you about a country made of chocolate.

-Hello. And wow! (LAUGHTER)

Welcome to Continentilia!

We are, an entire Continent Country Land.

And I am the Prime Minister, Wally Winker.

We are based on those chocolates that your parents like.

And some people think we've been discontinued.

Not true, Paul!

Not true.

Let's take a look!

We have The Hazelnut Mountains.

You'd have to be the nuts to climb these!

(LAUGHTER)

-The Great Dessert Desert.

There's no water,

but there is delicious milk chocolate.

(LAUGHS)

The Milk Swirl Geyser.

(GASPS)

And The Ancient Praline Pyramids.

Legend has it,

nobody actually knows what praline is.

And the best part is,

there are no dangers in Continentilia!

Except diabetes.

Continentalilia...

Yum!

(OMINOUS DRONING)

(LIQUID CHOCOLATE GUSHING)

(APPLAUSE)

-Wow.

-Wally Winker, could you do that walk for us?

That was special.

-Oh, yeah.

Ooh!

-Oh, wow.

(APPLAUSE)

Wally Winky. Wally Winky. -You know what?

It was even me or Timothee Chalamet for that role.

-ABBY: Yeah.

-So, what happens if you're allergic to chocolate

in this particular country?

-Oh, you go to fanny land or whatever.

(LAUGHTER)

-OK, I suppose I've got to think,

"Where's the place that I would most want to go?"

You know, that's the only way to judge it.

Abby's country....

I wouldn't ever want to go to that country.

That's one point for Abby.

I would also not like to go to Ben's country.

He would get two points.

-Oh.

-I'm going to go three points for Tom.

Four points for Tofiga.

And five points for Hayley.

-He loves the fanny!

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, good to see the 'Taskmaster' is pro-slavery!

(LAUGHTER)

-No, he's just pro-fanny, man.

(LAUGHTER)

Slave to the fanny.

(LAUGHTER)

-OK, that's it for part three.

We'll give you a few moments to book your tickets to Paulandia

to see the rare Hatted-Duck and stare at a lake.

See you after this. Akuanei.

(APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE)

-Welcome back to 'Taskmaster'.

And to our viewers from Paulinga,

Solomocapochi.

It's our final episode of the season.

The scoreboard is looking tight.

And I believe Paul Williams, we have just one filmed task to go.

-We certainly do, Jeremy.

And I could not think of a better way to wrap things up.

(LIVELY MARIACHI-STYLE MUSIC PLAYING)

-Ha.

-Hi, Paul.

-Hello, Abby.

Hello, Tofiga.

-Hello, Paul.

What we got here? -Food pyramid.

Updated from the one that we used to get.

OK. Why is there a microphone there?

-Testing, testing.

-Do you have a favorite one of those groups?

-They don't have, like, sugar on here.

If you don't do drugs, it's like the next best thing.

-Here we go.

-"Pick a food group."

I'm gonna go vegetables.

-Grains.

-Dairy.

-Alright. I'm just gonna go meat.

-Fruit.

Oh...

-Ooh!

(LAUGHS)

-"Write and perform a rap..."

-"advocating for why your food group is the best."

-"Best verse wins."

-"You have 30 minutes."

-"Your time starts now."

-Do you start with, "Yo, yo, yo"?

-Would you like to hear the music?

-Yes! -OK.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING) -Yo.

Gonna start with, "Yo".

(LAUGHTER) -ABBY: Nice.

-Yeah.

-Beef...

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

-Queef? Probably not that.

(LAUGHTER)

(BANG)

-OK.

Bringing the house down already

and we haven't even started, brother.

-What's your favourite vegetable? -Potato.

-Do you know, I don't really like potatoes.

-Not even as fries.

-You want a pineapple?

Come be my guest.

Dem... Where my berries at?

(LAUGHTER)

-What if I exclusively use the C-word.

So, you can't broadcast anything that I say.

Just be like, "Beep, beep, beep, milk"

I'm gonna do that.

(APPLAUSE)

-Alright, Paul.

Assuming these raps are actually broadcastable,

who's verse we gonna hear first?

-Here they are all at once.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER ERUPTS)

-Yeah!

What!

Ooh!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

(LAUGHS)

-Oh!

(LAUGHS)

(BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP).

(BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP).

(BLEEP), (BLEEP)...

(BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP).

(BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP).

(BLEEP).

(BLEEP), (BLEEP).

(APPLAUSE)

-JEREMY: Very good.

-Really good.

-Very, very good.

Although I have, say, the last image of 'Taskmaster' Season Five

will be Abby Howells underneath a desk

saying, "Cottage cheese (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP)".

(LAUGHTER)

-Nobody deserves to get one. -OK.

-Nah.

-I think, look, the fact that I didn't hear...

there were probably four words that I heard of Abby's,

means that it's hard to rate you highly.

So, unfortunately, I'm going to have to give Abby two.

I'm going to... No. Not Abby.

(LAUGHTER)

-I'm going to go Tom, three.

Good flow, but a little bit focussed on bananas there towards the end.

(LAUGHS)

-I liked Tofiga because I like a socially conscious rapper.

-Yeah.

-So, three points there.

Four points for Ben Hurley.

And I think five points for Haley. She's very good.

(APPLAUSE)

-HJ Sprizzle. It's HJ Sprizzle. -It's HJ Sprizzle. That's right.

OK, time for a quick break.

And when we return, we'll find out which comedian

will be the official champion of 'Taskmaster' Season Five.

Don't miss it. We'll see you soon.

(APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE)

-Kia ora ano.

Welcome back to the season finale of 'Taskmaster'.

There's still one more task to complete, but we get to that.

Paul, can we have a scoreboard update, please?

-Leading the pack by the slimmest of margins. Tofiga Fepulea'i.

-OK, everyone.

Please, head up to the stage for the final task of the season.

(APPLAUSE)

-Alright Paul, who's reading out the final task?

-Abby Howells.

-Congrats, Abby.

-Thank you. Huge for me.

"One by one, place an item on the table.

"On your turn, you will have ten seconds to place an item.

"Once you have touched an item, that is the item you must place.

"If placing causes any item to fall, you will be eliminated.

"Last person standing wins".

-On my whistle.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

-Oh.

-AUDIENCE: Oh! (LIGHT APPLAUSE)

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-JEREMY: Oh, Chris Parker. Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

-MAN: Oh!

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BALLOON EXPLODES) (ALL GASPING)

(APPLAUSE)

-Yep. Great. Yep, yep.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh! (APPLAUSE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

-Three seconds.

(APPLAUSE)

AUDIENCE: Oh!

-MAN: Oh, no! -Four seconds.

-You got it, you got it, You got it, you got it.

Abby, Abby, Abby!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHIMES RINGING)

AUDIENCE: Aww!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

-Hayley is eliminated. The umbrella fell.

(APPLAUSE) The umbrella can be restacked.

Oh, no.

Yes. Yes.

No, no.

-ABBY: No. You've got it, Tom. -Three seconds.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

Oh my god.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)

-Yes.

Come on... (WHISTLE BLOWS)

-ALL: Aww!

(APPLAUSE)

(LIVELY MUSIC CONTINUES)

AUDIENCE: Oh!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

-TOM: Oh, no! I dropped...

Oh, shit!

-HAYLEY: It's OK. It's OK. (APPLAUSE)

-HAYLEY: Oh, Abby.

(APPLAUSE)

-Three seconds.

-Ugh! (WHISTLE BLOWING)

(APPLAUSE)

-So close.

-Five seconds.

-Lovely.

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

-MAN: Come on, Abs.

(INAUDIBLE CHATTER)

-Three seconds. -Oh, no.

-HAYLEY: You've got it, Abs! You've got it, Abs!

No! ALL: Aww!

(INAUDIBLE CHATTER)

(APPLAUSE)

-The winner of the live task is Tom Sainsbury.

(APPLAUSE)

-Good stuff, guys.

(APPLAUSE)

-Alright, come on down.

We'll add up the scores and find out

the winner of the episode of season five.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-Alright. What a game that was.

-So, one point for Hayley. Two points for Ben.

Three points Tofiga.

Four points for Abby.

And five points for the winner of the live task, Tom Sainsbury.

(APPLAUSE)

Finally.

-So, where does that leave us for the episode, Paul?

-That means the winner of episode ten, with 20 points,

represented by Chris Parker - it's Tofiga!

(APPLAUSE) -Congratulations, Chris Parker.

On behalf of Tofiga Fepulea'i,

please go up and enjoy your long lasting items,

for an appropriate length of time,

before coming back down for the prize that really matters.

Once again, Chris Parker ladies and gentlemen! For Tofiga!

(APPLAUSE)

-No, no, no, no!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-Alright, this is it. The moment of truth.

It's time to announce the winner of season five.

And what a season it has been.

From incredibly accurate tennis ball throws,

to incredibly inaccurate biopics.

From New Year's resolutions, to goal-scoring French revolutions.

We have seen it all, and it's all led us to this, Paul.

Would you please read out the winner of 'Taskmaster' Season five?

-In fifth place, with 147 points, Abby Howells!

(APPLAUSE)

-In fourth place with 156 points, it's Tofiga Fepulea'i!

(APPLAUSE)

-One point in front of him, with 157 points,

in third place, it's Tom Sainsbury!

(APPLAUSE)

Third! Third the Golden Princess.

-In second place, with 160 points, it's Ben Hurly!

(APPLAUSE)

-Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

-The winner of 'Taskmaster New Zealand'

Season Five...

with 166 points,

it's Hayley Sproull!

(APPLAUSE)

-Wow.

Oh, it's really heavy. -Well done.

(WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE)

-Please join me in offering a huge congratulations

to the winner of the season, Hayley Sproull!

Thank you so much for joining us.

Look after yourselves.

We'll see you again soon. Good night, Aotearoa!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Captioned by AI-Media ai-media.tv

-MAN: Woo-hoo!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING INCREASE)

-Mwah. (CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)