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- Luxury. - Luxury.

- Opulence. - Opulence.

- Hot people. - Hot people.

Here on the Glamazonian Express,

every journey is the height of extravagance

and wasteful excess.

- Oops. - ♪ Glamazonian ♪

There's more where that came from.

You can't beat Glamazonian's five-star service.

I'll take this one.

♪ Smoke ♪

I love my wife and kids,

but Glamazonian helps me get away once in a while.

Sometimes you just need a weekend with the boys.

- What's your name? - ♪ Dudes ♪

Don't answer that.

Because we're not just America's

first transcontinental bullet train.

We're your family.

If your family was a bunch of rich,

successful ladies in shoulder pads.

- ♪ Shoulder pads ♪ - Glamazonian Express.

Travel Glamazoniously.

Look at them. They're perfect.

Could you imagine us like that,

traveling the country in a skirt suit?

Finally in a high-speed line. No more commuter rail.

Staying in luxury hotels.

Like a ski chalet in Aspen.

Where a couple muscled-up Swiss twins

walk up to us at the hot tub, and they're like,

"Maybe we should take this party upstairs."

Oh, but then we're like, "Sorry, boys.

We are both married to men who work in

- commercial real estate." - Commercial real estate.

But we have consensual kink positive sex with them anyway.

And get this. We both reach climax at the same exact time

while eyes locked from the twin beds in our shared room.

Or even separate rooms.

- Oh. - Oh.

Yeah. Thank you.

- Did you hear about Luann? - What a loss.

She was the best cafe car girl out there.

Now boarding train 16

to Six Flags Guantanamo Bay.

Tess and DeeDee.

- Hey, Barb. Checking in. - Hey, Barb. Checking in.

Oh, busy train today, huh?

She's really getting

in there.

More like no train.

Here. They're letting us girls go.

Shutting the whole thing down.

What? They can't shut down a whole train line.

They can if it's called Stank Rail,

and only stops in three sad cities.

One of which just got swallowed up by a mine fire

that's been burning up for 60 years.

Barb, what are you gonna do?

Girl, I got a few odd jobs lined up.

You know, a little light sex work.

Maybe get pregnant. Maybe I'll sell my hair.

Isn't that the plot of Les Misérables?

Girl, I got a feeling this lez is gonna be far from miserable.

- Barbra out. - Now boarding

train 582 to Pyongyang, North Korea.

I'll miss this.

Fantasizing about where everyone's traveling to.

Like him.

He could be going anywhere.

Deedles, what happened to us?

I mean, we've been doing this for what,

like 10 years now.

And I just thought we'd be...

I don't know. Just, like, something.

Know what this is?

Oh, my God. Is that our yearbook from Train Hostess Academy?

I always keep it in my carry-on.

Aw, look how young we were. Well, kind of.

DeeDee, do you remember when we first met each other

in the showers after that luggage-lifting seminar?

We promised each other that we would see the world together.

You know, climb every mountain,

ford every stream.

See the Dakotas, both Fanning and Johnson.

Oh, visit the world wonders like the Grand Canyon

and those four gay guys stuck on that mountain.

And then we were gonna give birth together in Tijuana,

you know, just to prove to everybody

that their healthcare system isn't really as bad

as everybody says it is.

Oh, we were gonna explore all the different cultures

and countries

and bathrooms because of your whole bladder thing.

Glamazonian better find

two replacements soon if those two girls don't show up.

- Where are they? - Last time I saw them,

they were in the ski chalet hot tub.

They're probably still with those Swiss twins.

Ugh. I hate twins. If you have sex with one,

you legally have to have sex with the other

or else you go to jail.

Glamazonian will take anyone at this point.

Even girls with big gums.

Or worse, those girls from Stank Rail.

- Don't look at me. - No.

Okay.

DeeDee, did you hear that?

My doctor says it's a pressurized urethra.

No, Glamazonian is looking for two replacements.

Now, that could be us.

Tess, it's over.

It's time to go back to working at my parents' glue factory.

DeeDee. DeeDee, wait.

DeeDee. No.

Oh, come out of there. Weren't you just in here?

I really like it in here.

Besides, it's not like I have anywhere else to go today.

Don't you remember what you told me

our first day of Train Hostess Academy?

"I'm only here because I don't wanna join the army"?

The other thing.

"My favorite spice is pudding"?

The other thing.

"I'm on the run

and nobody knows I'm here"?

The other, other thing.

We were going to see America.

DeeDee, this is our chance.

Look.

DeeDee, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

"If mermaids exist, shouldn't there be mer-butlers?"

The other thing.

"Are all ghosts naked?"

The other, other thing.

"Do you wanna scissor?"

DeeDee!

Look.

Uh-huh.

Okay. You bring that over there,

and I'll just start splitting the pants.

This is gonna look just like their uniforms.

We're gonna look so Glamazonian.

We are experiencing further delays

on the Glamazonian Express

because two bitches decided to not show up.

Well, they said there would be replacements.

Where the hell are they?

We're right here.

What are they wearing?

You are always so critical of other women.

"Look at their ill-fitting uniforms."

It looks like they were designed by Edward Scissor-fuck.

- You know what? - I didn't mean that.

Girls. Girls.

Barbra.

You work at Glamazonian now?

Looks like we had the same idea.

You gotta take work where you can get it, right?

- Thank you. - Now boarding

couples that shouldn't be together.

- She's the one who started it. - I didn't start anything.

Look at my face.

Use your words.

My words are fuck you!

Oh.

Luxury.

Opulence.

Puke.

As in what's currently rising up in my esophagus

while I wonder why two sad mole people are in my first class.

- Mm-hm. - Oh.

Look, Deedles, it's Amber from Train Hostess Academy.

Oh, my God, Tess? It's been a minute, girl.

I didn't recognize you with all the crow's feet and sun damage.

And DeeDee, you look...

completely different.

- Thank you. - Let me guess.

- Stroke? - No. Hi, Alli.

And...

Ash? Ay-ash?

Ai-ush-li... Ash-le-gweh.

I'm not really sure how to say it.

Uh... Don't worry, you won't.

It's so weird we've never worked together before.

How long have you two been Glamazonians?

- Oh, it's our first day. - Oh, like, like...

- Our whole lives. Entire lives. - Our entire lives.

Oh, sure.

I remember coach like it was yesterday.

Oh, wait. No, I don't.

We were put into first class right after graduation.

Let's just say we made a good impression.

Oh, you slept your way to the top.

How dare you?

We barely slept at all.

We were too busy having sex with powerful railroad people.

- Yeah. - Fuck!

You see? This is exactly why we don't talk to you two.

You've always been so mean to us.

- Rude. - Alli, Ayshleiygh.

Let's go, girls.

Now boarding the Glamazonian Express

non-stop to Celebration, Florida.

Wow. They've gotten so much nicer since the academy.

Totally.

Oh, my God, DeeDee, look.

Look who's getting on the train over there.

Cal. The conductor voted

"Number 1 Conductor We Want to See the Dick Of"

in Conductors We Want to See the Dick Of Magazine.

Yeah, but why is he walking so slow?

He doesn't even know I exist.

Oh, you should introduce yourself to him.

- Cal. Cal, hey! - Tess.

Good morning, Conductor Davenport.

Oh, morning, Cal.

How's it hanging?

Slightly to the left as usual.

Fantastic.

Good morning, passengers.

This is your Conductor Davenport speaking.

Welcome aboard the Glamazonian Express.

Departing sunny Los Angeles, City of Angels,

and one hell-spawned succubus named Sharon

who ripped my heart out and tore me away from my kids.

- We don't need to get into it. - We have the chicken noodle.

- Unless you guys want to. - Beef barley.

And my favorite, clam chowder.

Perfect. I'll take the Denver omelet.

Excuse me, would you mind helping me with my mother?

- Of course. - Thank you.

- Just grab the other side. - Oh.

Although we started out as friends,

it quickly became apparent

that there was more to our relationship.

Our love blossomed and grew during high school.

And we decided, let's do it for real.

We got married. At first, ours was a life of bliss and joy.

But then things started to change.

I developed a drug habit,

and Sharon decided she didn't want to be around that anymore.

They had us waiting for 30 minutes,

which is actually an hour.

I mean, Jocelyn, you told me this was a luxury train car.

- I highly-- - Excuse me. Hi. Hi.

This is the quiet car.

You can take that into the loud car.

Hold on. I can't hear you.

- Just take it to the loud car. - I can't hear you.

Take it to the loud car!

Please.

I think a train hostess just hit on me.

- I am so hungry. - We could make it.

And she got pregnant. We had our son.

But then the drug habit escalated to me giving hand jobs

under bridges for H.

The "H" stands for "heroin."

I made some great friends under those bridges.

Oh, well. We'll be departing shortly.

Our trusty pit crew is just finishing up

some routine maintenance.

Let's go.

By the way, it's not illegal to huff paint

next to your four-year-old son.

I looked it up.

Oh, my God. No way. Are you...?

I am.

Oh, but I would really appreciate it

if you don't make a big deal of it.

I try to keep a low profile when I'm traveling.

Are you sitting in my seat?

I paid for the window.

Move.

My God. What an ass.

Welcome aboard.

You're sitting next to the beautiful redhead

right over there.

- Welcome aboard. - Before we depart,

I'll turn it over to your lovely rail attendants

for your safety presentation.

Ladies and gentlemen,

can you please direct your attention

to the front of the cabin?

DeeDee, what's going on?

And a-five, six, seven, eight.

I think we're being hijacked.

♪ Pay attention ♪

♪ Shut up ♪

♪ We got some instructions To keep you tightened up ♪

♪ For the duration of the ride Stay inside ♪

♪ Remain in your seat ♪

♪ Sit the fuck down ♪

♪ Keep it buckled Don't cause trouble ♪

♪ Keep your luggage down Under your feet ♪

♪ Even the dog ♪

♪ No liquids over four ounces ♪

♪ And no lithium batteries ♪

♪ They could explode ♪

♪ Read your pamphlet Know your exits ♪

♪ In case There is an emergency ♪

♪ Like if we explode ♪

♪ Now take everything we said And delete it from your brain ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no rules When you're riding on a train ♪

♪ Bring your drugs It's time to play ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no TSA ♪

♪ Get on up and celebrate ♪

♪ We're like If Amtrak was gay ♪

♪ Roll call ♪

♪ Alli here, hand me your bag ♪

♪ I'll throw 'em in the bin And give 'em a tag ♪

♪ Hit the button Ask for Ayshleiygh ♪

♪ Snacks and drinks I'm on my way ♪

♪ Amber, Amber First-class queen ♪

♪ Need some coffee? I got extra cream ♪

I'm Tess.

One time, I ate a magnet

and got stuck to a flagpole.

DeeDee. I was born with adult teeth.

♪ Bring your drugs It's time to play ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't no TSA ♪

♪ Get on up and celebrate ♪

♪ We're like If Amtrak was gay ♪

♪ Sit the fuck down ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare for departure.

We nailed it.

Pull the levers of the trolley onto the one person.

Hey, guys, we got another trolley problem.

Ooh, yes, bitch, you're fierce!

Dispatcher to train 108, you are cleared for departure.

It is more of a "chugga-chugga" or a "choo-choo"?

Donna Dusk online.

Zoom in on current weather trajectory.

Too close.

Good God.

Per my calculations, we are looking at

an unprecedented weather event.

Hurricane, hailstorms, multiple tornadoes.

And that's just the beginning.

In English, please.

It's gonna be a disaster.

In Spanish, please.

In Mandarin, please?

There's little historical evidence

that something like this even exists,

but only because so few have survived it.

The ancient Egyptians feared

that it was divine retribution from the gods,

and they had a name for it.

Stormaganza.

Stormaganza?

Donna, when I hired you, I took a chance.

Hire a woman with glasses, they said.

Preferably a hot one, so everyone in the office

could start a pool for who could have sex with her first.

I had my money on that psycho.

He's a dog.

I can see now I made the right choice.

Because this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

A stormaganza. What?

That's so gay.

Who are you?

I'm Barbra. You just hired me.

- I did? - Mm-hmm.

Sir, no, you don't understand.

We need to stop all the trains right now.

I just saw there's a Glamazonian Express

that's headed for the center of the storm.

Oh, yeah? How about you stop this?

Did someone order a noogie?

Uh-oh, Donna did.

Whatever.

May God have mercy on their souls.

Souls? Baby, let's start with that hair.

Honey, are you sure you're okay to be traveling alone?

It's just a train. What could possibly go wrong?

Just make sure you keep your service animal

inside its crate at all times.

In fact, let me go ahead and check that safety latch.

Have at it.

Seems good to me.

Oh, boy, look at you.

- Uh-huh. - How far along?

- Nine months. - Wow, congratulations.

I love babies.

In utero.

Not outside of a belly. Nope.

If you had a baby right now,

everyone on this train would hate you.

Loud.

Good thing.

Well, luckily, he's not due for another...

Hi.

Whatcha doing?

I'm newly divorced.

I've been married 20 years. Just like that.

Never felt so free in my life.

Have you read the book Eat, Pray, Love?

I'm in the... I'm in the "eat" part right now.

- How does this work? - Turn to the left...

I'm so sorry. Did I hit you?

Oh, no, I'm completely fine.

You're bleeding a lot.

Oh, this? It's nothing.

Doors. Am I right?

I didn't know girls could be so funny.

Really nice talking to you.

DeeDee.

I'm Cal.

Cal.

Hello? Where's my coffee?

Hello?

Deedles, all of the passengers are hitting the help button.

How's that drink cart coming?

We're out of milk. Where'd it go?

Milk, anyone?

Milk? Milk?

Milk?

Hello?

Deedles, all these passengers

are so much nicer than the ones on Stank Rail.

We have got to do a good job for them.

I'm going in without it.

How do we look?

Boop! Boop!

Gorge.

On the rocks?

Neat.

Who made this evaluation? A fucking kindergartener?

I'm telling you, we should sell short.

One tepid flat water with olives.

Drinks?

Train Control to Glamazonian Express.

Train Control to Glamazonian Express. Do you copy?

Deedles, you left one of your programs

up on the monitor again.

My name is Donna Dusk.

Oh, it's one of those makeover shows

where they take the glasses off

and suddenly the ugly girl's pretty.

If you don't listen to everything I say,

you are all going to die.

Look, I don't know if you're the conductor, or some passengers,

or a train attendant, or a bar cabin chef,

or a ragtag group of boxcar children.

Okay, I don't care about that.

You're headed into a stormaganza.

Do you hear me? A storm-a-ga-nza.

So, we are counting on you. You're our last hope.

This is our moment.

DeeDee, follow me.

Excuse me, what are you two doing up here?

Oh, my God!

- I never! - Hey, girls.

No. No running in the cabin!

Everything looks good, sir.

Wheels are still on the track.

- Open the door. - What's happening in there?

Captain.

Oh, my God.

Captain, there's an emergency.

This weird, homely woman, Donna Dusk,

with these big, cheap glasses, she popped up on my TV screen.

You're not allowed to be up here.

Captain.

It's a stormaganza.

Mommy, Daddy's smoking crack again.

Again, again, again.

Captain Davenport to train HQ. Get me Donna Dusk.

Pfft. Donna?

You mean little Bimbo Baggins?

This is Donna Dusk.

The stormaganza. Is this a joke?

Check your control panel.

Dear God.

You have to stop the train now.

The brakes. They're fried.

Conductor.

Are you saying that you're on a runaway train?

Worse. What I'm saying is we can't stop.

I once drove through a stormaganza.

It was a long, long time ago.

What happened?

Conductor, the passengers in the rear have fallen into hysteria.

Now, don't you worry, Amelia.

We'll be through this squall soon.

I'd stake all 44 states on it.

Ooh, Lord.

Our train derailed.

What was it like?

Like...

Screech!

Oh, God, no. Please stop!

Stop the train!

Oh, no, no! We're going off the rails!

Oh, God, save us!

My face! I'm burning alive!

Boom, boom, boom! Aaahhh!

There in the wreckage,

lost in the wilderness,

just me and the co-conductor.

I'm sure you can see where this is going.

You kissed.

No, I ate him.

Oh, my God. How long were you out there?

Forty-six minutes.

You poor thing.

Donna, are you still there?

So, if my calculations are correct,

you still have a chance of making it through the storm,

but you have to find a way to stop the train

before it crashes into the final stop,

which is located right next to a nuclear power plant,

a hotel for dogs,

and the home of beloved actress Lori Metcalfe.

Not Lori Metcalfe.

Dear God.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. Place your bets.

The wheel turns. No more bets, please. No more bets.

What were you two talking to the conductor about?

Amber, there's been a bit of an emergency.

Oh, you mean the weight restriction in this cabin

that was exceeded when you two walked in.

Actually, Amber, we don't have to tell you anything

because the conductor put us in charge.

You met the conductor? He's real?

Tess, what are you doing?

Excuse me. Hi, y'all. My name is Tess.

And I'm DeeDee. And we have an announcement.

What do you think you're doing?

Ayshleiygh, do something.

I took eight beta-blockers. Um...

The conductor would like us to tell you

that we're looking at inclement weather ahead.

Please stay in your seats and keep your seat belts fastened.

We'll get through it in no time.

And complimentary drinks on us.

Oh. So, that's how you wanna play.

- Hmm. - Okay, bitch.

We love games. Right, girls?

Yeah, but we don't play fair.

We can basically read each other's minds.

Watch.

Bryce. Bryce. Bryce.

Bryce Dallas Howard.

Ha ha!

See?

Locked in.

So, get ready to play

4-D motherfucking chesssss.

And we thank you.

Madam President.

Have you made a decision?

I have.

It's time...

to nuke Russia.

Are you serious, madam?

Does this look serious?

Kidding!

I mean, do you really think I wanna deal with that mess?

Pfft. I don't even come in on Fridays.

So good. You know what's so funny?

We literally were just saying outside,

we hope she does the bit with the button.

It's so funny every time.

Oh, my God.

Approve all these bills

and throw everyone a tax rebate.

I'm in an Oprah mood.

Hey, just a reminder.

You have your one o'clock with AOC.

Yeah. And then after that is your photoshoot with Skims.

Remember the concept?

Mary Poppins fell into her big bag

and is now clawing at the walls of her dark bag pit.

Oh. What?

Okay.

No.

Now, I could be wrong, but that sounded like...

An emergency.

A national emergency.

Madam President, the situation is ongoing,

but we have our people monitoring it from every angle.

We're gonna corner the market on messaging on this,

including running some contingency plans

and getting best and worst-case projections.

We also have a rapid response team on the scene

in case the situation escalates.

We have a direct line to defense, NASA, FEMA,

PETA, GOOP, the NAACP,

the WNBA, SWV, Xscape,

TLC, Build-a-Bear Workshop,

Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the cast of

The Real Housewives of Potomac,

the cast of Married to Medicine,

and of course, the Taco Bell Innovation Lab.

Tell it to me straight.

There's a Glamazonian Express

headed directly into a massive storm.

Now tell it to me gay.

Dear God.

It's serious.

Do you know what this is? Hmm?

Well, of course, madam. That's your approval rating.

Hasn't once dipped below "Love her!"

That's right. That's right.

Not since the day I sat my perfect derriere

in this little chair-iere.

And do you know why?

You're sickening.

Yes.

But more.

I'm fun.

It was literally my whole campaign.

You know what's not fun?

America's first bullet train flying off the tracks.

We will be the laughingstock of all high-speed-rail countries.

Of course. Shouldn't you be the one to speak to this issue

considering your military history?

The United States Rail Force.

Are you having another one of your hot flashbacks?

Of course not.

All right, bring me my TV pantsuit.

We're going live.

Go.

Whoa!

- Good game. - You too.

Your coffee, conductor.

- Oh. Thank you. - Sorry it took so long.

That's all right.

And hi, Cal.

Oh, you remembered my name.

What was your name again?

DeeDee.

DeeDee. That's a great name.

You know, I had a dog once.

Named DeeDee?

No.

I'm sorry, sorry.

No, we are out of vodka

and whiskey and gin.

But we do have a tequila branded by a very famous Meghan.

Thee Stallion?

Markle.

You worked hard. Your mamas and daddies worked hard.

We're mighty proud of you.

No way. Are you...?

Yes, that's me.

Fun set.

Are you looking at my screen right now?

Because I paid $20 for this movie.

You know what? You owe me half.

Okay.

Thank you. And if I see you looking at this screen again,

I'm gonna beat the shit out of you.

It's my goal to entertain the world

through artistic expression.

Through art, I shall serve my country.

All right, you leeches.

Listen up.

You get one question each,

and don't get greedy. Or I will have you thrown

into a government black site so fast

you'll be making Zara handbags like the rest of the filth.

Is that what you want?

Ask me if I'm kidding. Seriously, ask. Yeah.

Are you kidding?

No.

And that was your one question.

And now, please welcome your president,

Judy Gagwell!

Thank you. I will start taking questions.

- Yes. - Madam President,

what can you tell us about this storm?

Well, it's quite--

Big? Dangerous?

What are you hiding, Gagwell?

What kind of conspiracy is this?

- Watergate. Pizzagate. - Get her out of here.

Wait. Aah! No, no, no, no, no. What's happening?

I don't wanna work at a Zara! No!

- Did you see that? - Yes, yes.

Big. Just know we are monitoring the situation,

and we have eyes on the train.

No.

What are the chances of survival?

And by "survival," I mean how many people are going to die?

Dead. Six feet under. Maggots.

Don't even get me started on the bats.

Have you ever had a bat nest in your hair?

Honey, the whole bat family moves in.

- They bring lawn chairs-- - Okay. You had your turn.

Excuse me.

Y'all talking trains?

I know a little something about trains.

This is an inside job. How do I know?

I'm a certified railway hostess.

- Oh. - Well, I used to be.

Then Big Train got my ass.

And they're gonna get you all too.

Soon, we're not gonna have no cars.

We ain't gonna have no feet.

Like the movie Snowpiercer, but no feet.

Do you think these are my real legs?

They are, for now. Then they're gonna hack them off,

they're gonna chain them to the bottom of that train,

and they're gonna be like one Flintstones car.

Madam President, do you feel a personal connection to this,

considering your past?

- My past? - Weren't you a part

of that now-defunct military branch

dedicated to defend the country with trains?

That was...

many years ago. I...

No!

Joanie! No!

Did you just have a hot flashback?

Take her out.

I've had it.

No!

Cal, status?

Single, captain, but having sex

with a few different women in my karate class.

Copy that.

Donna, how's it looking up ahead?

Great, Captain. We're all rooting for you.

All right, who has money on 100?

- Three hundred. - Two hundred, 200.

- I'm all in. - Come on, guys.

I'm thinking mass casualties, bodies high.

Get those bills out. Come on, don't be a cheap-ass.

You know, it's only gonna get uglier,

but I have no doubt we'll make it through.

As long as I'm sitting in this chair,

focused, alert, determined,

and not incapacitated for some reason.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

What is going on up there?

Who brought a scorpion in here?

He's allergic to scorpions, I think.

We can fix this.

Cal, you're gonna take over as conductor.

No, I'm the co-conductor.

All I know how to do is play music on the aux cord.

What if I stay up here and help him?

I could speak on the headset, make sure everything's okay.

Yes, and I'll take care of the conductor.

How do we look?

Boop! Boop!

Gorge.

There's an amazing venue we should try.

Oh, maybe. Yes.

Oh.

Ooh... Conductor Davenport.

Is this seat taken?

Mmm.

Oops!

Ah! Got it.

Oh, I'm sorry, I... Oh, I guess I should...

I guess I'll go here.

Oh, that's my journal.

Wow.

Look at us. It's like,

are we even gonna get any work done up here?

I know. It's like,

what does any of this stuff even do?

Glamazonian Express, do you copy?

Donna, do you copy?

- Yes, BeeBee, I read you. - DeeDee.

Whatever your name is, you're headed right into

an oncoming tornado. You will need to redirect the train

onto some sort of alternate track.

Uh, you can manually switch

to an old mining track up ahead,

but fair warning, it's been closed for decades

for being too haunted.

Okay.

Oh.

Cal.

Oh, here it is.

Oh. Sorry.

Cal.

Ooh.

Ah.

Oh, it's slippery.

Can you guys just, like, pull it?

It wasn't that bad, right?

Well, we'll just have to handle this

the way we take care of all scandals.

Just start saying names.

No.

We wait it out until it all blows over.

I mean, it can't get worse than this, right?

Oh.

Donna? Donna?

We lost signal.

That's good, right?

Can you read me? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

- Can you read me? - Girl, where do I start?

Aw.

Looks like you couldn't handle it after all.

Don't worry, I've got this.

Passengers, we are currently experiencing

some slight technical difficulties.

There's no need to panic.

- I just said, don't panic. - You did.

We're gonna need something to distract the passengers.

Would you like me to help?

I actually got my start on the stage.

One-woman production of Our Town.

- The review said that I was-- - Girls, girls.

Look who it is.

It's some complete fucking rando who can't stay in her seat.

Get out of here!

What are we gonna do?

I have an idea.

- Who turned out the light? - You have to trust me

- and put these on. - I'm out.

I'm in. - I'm in too.

Who's that?

I'm a ghost.

Okay.

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ We are onboard Private entertainment ♪

♪ Here to keep the vibes high No derailment ♪

♪ Little funky, little flirty Hot arrangement ♪

- ♪ So light, so smooth ♪ - ♪ So light, so smooth ♪

♪ 'Cause everything is perfect Everything is right ♪

♪ No need to be nervous Just enjoy the ride ♪

- ♪ Hey, you, look over there - ♪ Right there ♪

♪ Nothing to worry about ♪

♪ No reason You should be scared ♪

- ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪

♪ We're just here hanging out Like we don't have a care ♪

Now it's even louder in here.

Whoa.

- Oh, my God. - Whoa!

- ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪

♪ Nothing to worry about ♪

♪ No reason You should be scared ♪

- ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪

♪ We're just here hanging out Like we don't have a care ♪

♪ Look over there now Look over there ♪

♪ Don't you look over here Don't you look over here now ♪

♪ Look over there now Look over there ♪

♪ Don't look over there Don't you look over there now ♪

Donna, Donna, do you read? Donna?

Your skin looks like you got power-washed in a FEMA tent.

Head so big you look like the Michelin Man.

Great ascot, I wish your ass got hit by a bus.

You're aging like goat milk.

Donna?

We made it through the tunnel.

Train hands.

DeeDee, we did it.

Oh.

You look incredible right now.

Oh.

I guess I'll go take care of this.

Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!

That was amazing. You're like the Tate McRae of railroads.

Like Tate McRailroad.

Wait, wait, y'all liked that?

- Ah, yeah! - Yeah!

You're totally in with us now, girl.

So in. Even with that little weird eye thing.

- Wait, what? What? - Right there.

I'm sorry. Is this a joke?

Her name doesn't even start with A.

Amber. I think you're needed back there in coach.

Give it up for Tess, everyone.

Pick her up. Pick her up. Let's go. Come on.

Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!

Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!

Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!

Tess! Tess! We made it.

Tess?

Tess?

Train Control, come in.

Yes, I see you. Zooming in.

- Too close. - It's good, right?

- We're through the storm. - No.

You're just in the eye of it.

Holy fuck.

It's clear they're no longer buying what I'm selling.

Madam President, your speech for when the train crashes,

killing everyone.

Sit down.

I think it's time I tell you a story.

Everyone knows me as Judy Gagwell.

"She fun."

But what if I told you sometimes she not fun?

What if I told you...

she sad?

Oh, my God.

Was it something that I did?

There's one chapter in my life that I haven't spoken about.

My time in the United States Rail Force.

Take a seat.

The year was 1986.

The Rail Force.

A new military initiative under Reagan

who thought there was no better way to defend America

than by train.

It was supposed to be a standard test

where I'd launch missiles that were mounted on my caboose.

I had a blemish on my chin that day that needed a little TLC.

I was so distracted by my mug

that I didn't see all the warning signs

staring right at me.

What was that?

Hm.

Like little Joanie Muggins

prancing down the train tracks.

I had to bury this story for my campaign.

You know, there's a saying in politics.

The only thing less fun than a train crash

is a flattened, exploded toddler.

And you are always saying that.

So, now that you know the real me,

the true me,

what do you think?

We can spin this.

We're gonna get background on that toddler.

I guarantee you we can find it saying some racist shit.

I have to go.

No.

I'm not fit for this job anymore.

What?

- I have to go. - No.

President Gagwell.

President Gagwell, wait!

Oh, shit!

Phew!

Like I said, you're just in the eye of the storm.

You're telling me now it has a face?

And if I'm being frank, the other side is not looking good.

If you're being Frank, what if you're being, like, Dylan?

Deedles, we got this, okay?

We just gotta keep on doing what we've been doing.

Cal's really into you.

Did you hear those passengers out there?

They are chanting our names.

I kind of just heard your name.

What? No, no.

Oh! It's the other girls. I gotta get back out there.

- They need me. - Okay, how do we look?

Huh? Fine, fine, whatever.

Boop! Boop!

Gorge.

- Hey, everybody. - Ah!

Did you miss me?

Yes!

Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!

Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess!

"Babies cause 100 percent of train delays."

Yeah. Not good.

Oh, my goodness.

Congratulations. You are a Miranda.

Gentle and compassionate, but also relatively passive.

Okay, I'm gonna do me next.

I'm horny.

DeeDee.

I just wanna say,

I couldn't do this without you.

Cal, I...

Cal and DeeDee, do you copy?

- Donna? - This might be your one chance

to redirect the train before you re-enter the storm.

We just need to find a way to brake the train manually.

Tess will know what to do.

Who's Tess?

Tess?

Tess!

Tess!

I'll have a Denver omelet.

Woot-woot!

Excuse you, bitch.

Tess!

The Swiss twins.

Tess!

DeeDee?

DeeDee!

Hey, it's DeeDee, everybody!

What is all this?

I'm just trying to keep all the passengers entertained,

you know, like the girls do on the commercial.

The girls in the commercial did everything together.

- What? - Everyone!

I would just like to make a toast to Tess,

our new best friend who is running this train

all by herself, with absolutely no help from anyone else.

Stop, y'all are crazy.

Oh, DeeDee. What was it you wanted to tell me?

You know what? Never mind.

- What? - Never mind!

What?

I said, never mind!

Because I can do this all by myself.

I'm so sorry. No offense.

It just smells like poor people back here.

Oh, hold on, the snack girl finally got here.

Y'all got Nutter Butters or what?

Sir, please don't touch me.

So sad.

According to the schematic...

Ah. There is an emergency brake

situated directly on top of the caboose.

But there's no way to access it from inside the train.

Unless someone goes out there and does it themselves.

Autoconduct activated.

Cal, that's a suicide mission.

DeeDee, it's time for me to prove

that I'm more than just a perfect face

or a gorgeous set of abs

or those little V lines right above my pelvis

that poke out from my low-rise jeans.

I'm Cal.

I have to do this.

I have to save the world.

Sorry.

All right. When I get out there,

I'm gonna need eyes on me from inside the cabin.

Just give me the signal when you need to be pulled in.

What's the signal?

This.

- Okay. - Uh-huh.

How's that sound, Donna?

Dumb as shit.

Dumb as a school made of shit

filled with little shit students.

But it's so dumb...

it just might work, you crazy bastard.

DeeDee.

This might be the last time we ever see each other.

Cal, I need to tell you something.

What?

I love you.

I've loved you since the first time I saw you

on that Conductors We Want to See the Dick Of Magazine.

And you don't have to say anything back to me. I just...

What did you need to tell me?

Oh! Oh. Oh, nothing.

You know what?

No, I'm done living in this fantasy.

I love you, Cal.

I said it out loud.

Wow, DeeDee.

I don't know what to say, except

do you want to finally see what my dick looks like?

Yeah.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

What did you need to tell me?

Oh! Good luck out there.

No, no, it's fine. Everybody calm down, okay?

There's something they're not telling us.

Yeah, like, is this even a train?

Think about it, people.

Does anybody remember getting on the train?

I do.

Oh, I do too, actually.

Why don't we see those pretty peepers?

Oh.

You know, nipples are the eyes of the face.

Oh!

Oh!

- Oh. - Hey, look.

That's the conductor. And a very large nipple.

Wait, who's driving the train?

And why is her nipple so big?

You're all just jealous.

I bet she knows.

I mean, look at her. Can we even trust anyone from coach?

She is from coach.

And she was in the conductor's cabin

the entire time we did the dance.

Dance? What dance?

Oh, just a disco-infused, late-'80s-inspired number.

Passengers, apologies for the confusion.

I'm getting word now that your first-class attendant here

is a two-faced bitch

who takes credit for the onboard entertainment choreo

that we came up with together.

- Get her ass. - Get her. Let her know.

Passengers, if I could direct your attention

to the right side of history,

I will let you know that I am the one

who came up with that choreo in the first place

when I had that dream that Dolly Parton made us dance at gunpoint

in order to escape her Rocky Mountain Labyrinth.

Passengers.

It's better to have no friends

than one friend who is a social-climbing skank,

who was just lying about us finally having our moment.

Passengers.

Maybe it's difficult for us to have our moment

when one of us is always holding the other one back.

Wha--

Ow! Owee, owee, owee!

Ooh.

Okay, okay. Time out, time out.

- Time out. - Tess, too much.

- Yeah. - Tess, time out.

- Time out. - Okay. Okay. Fine.

Ugh, what is that smell?

Oh, never mind. It's just two girls stanking up the train.

That's right.

Neither of these attendants are from Glamazonian.

They're impostors

from Stank Rail.

That's right. You know, the trains

where the seats don't even recline?

You lied to us, Tess.

You were the first woman I ever trusted.

No, no, no, no, no.

I was gonna ask you

to be my maid of honor.

And I still will be.

And I was gonna adopt you as my weird, sad daughter.

Oh, I really wanna be Tess Rina.

And neither one of you will ever be Glamazonian material.

What's this for?

Now let's save this train.

Did anybody just see that?

That looked like the conductor I wanted to see the dick of.

Cal!

DeeDee!

Call 911!

Great.

So, now we're all gonna die in this train

because of you two boneheads.

Wait.

Maybe we could try and stop it.

Get into it, girl.

Donna, tell it to us straight.

No brakes.

A fatal storm.

A dead co-conductor we really wanted to see the dick of.

I'd say our odds are...

a .01 percent chance of survival.

Tell it to us gay.

Oh, you give me a half-hour, I go over to Home Depot.

I load my Subaru with tools.

I pay my ex Deb some vegan jerky to help me.

We fix that train in, like, 20 minutes.

- Boy gay. - Oh, sorry.

Girl!

Donna, pack up your desk.

- What? Why? - Well...

we have to blame someone for all this,

and you're the only woman wearing glasses.

You know, Chet, every day

I come to work at this office with a sword in my side,

knowing you're just gonna push it in further,

but I still come in. Why?

Because I'm a human being.

A human being who happens to be a woman.

But not just a woman. I am my mother's daughter

and her daughters before her and her daughters before her

in a never-ending line of daughters.

The usual?

Barbra? You're a bartender now?

Who's Barbra?

Hard day?

You don't know the half of it.

Try having half the country

think of you as a laughing stock.

Madam President?

You knew it was me?

But I'm wearing a disguise.

Shouldn't you be running the country?

Oh, I'm running all right.

Running from my past.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad.

I ran over a toddler with a train.

Oh.

I did it, and then I buried it.

Just like they buried that toddler,

or at least whatever they could find of her.

All so that I could run for president.

Just like that toddler ran across those train tracks

and then exploded on impact.

Well, it could be worse.

You could be the reason an entire train

full of people crashes.

You're right.

I mean, there's probably five or six toddlers on there at least.

To running away from life's problems.

You know, I don't think you're running away.

I think you're stuck.

Just like I was stuck in that control tower.

We're sitting here avoiding our problems when we should be...

Ignoring them.

Bo... Bomb... Bombing... Bombing them?

Eating them.

- Hurdling towards them. - Towards them.

Hurdling right towards them.

Yes.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

You know, I was gonna say that

because that's who I am, you know?

Hurdling towards them and solving this.

That is... That is brilliant.

That's brilliant.

Hurdling towards them.

Bitch, we've got a train to catch.

Last will and testament?

Last will and testament?

- Last will and testament? - I'll take one.

Last will and testament?

- Wow. - Last will and testament?

You come back here to die with me?

Oh, wait.

I'd probably hold you back from that, too, right?

Deedles, I'm sorry.

You know I didn't mean any of those things

that I said to you. I just...

For the first time, I felt like our lives

were finally about to begin, you know?

I guess it was always just meant to end like this.

Tess, I'll be honest with you.

Before this morning, I thought our lives had started years ago.

- When? - The day we met at THA.

- Train Hostess Academy. - Train Hostess Academy.

Deedles, we were supposed to do big things.

Like see the world,

like those four gay guys stuck up on that mountain.

You know, I think I saw them passing by the window earlier.

Is that what that was?

Oh!

We're doing it, Tess.

Like we always have been.

Oh, if I'm gonna die in a fiery crash next to my best friend,

I don't wanna do it in these tacky-ass uniforms.

I can't wait to get this off.

I hate this.

- Do you hear that? - Geronimo!

Who says we have to crash?

All right, let's pack it up, folks. This is so boring.

Wait. Who says we have to crash?

No one said that.

Is this a joke? Certainly, they won't be able to pick me up.

They're women, and no--

Whoa! Whoa! They're doing it, you guys.

Let's save the train, people.

By that, I don't mean people with wheels as arms

and headlamps as eyes and a smokestack for a head.

And we wouldn't wanna save those people anyway. They're freaks.

Like, what is their blood, passengers?

No, I mean, let's save the train, people.

Yeah!

♪ That my BFF, she the shit ♪

♪ Sister from another mister That my twin, thick and thin ♪

♪ We the baddest in the world Can't name nobody badder ♪

♪ It's just me and her Nobody else don't even matter ♪

♪ That my BFF, that my sis ♪

♪ Sister from another mister That my twin ♪

♪ Thick and thin Just like that ♪

♪ Have my back ♪

♪ If your bestie in the club ♪

♪ Where she at? ♪

Look who's here.

Are they really gonna die in those clothes?

Well, it looks like they already did.

Excuse us, ladies.

But we've got work to do.

Oh, and by the way, Amber,

I'm sorry we ever asked to be part of your little group

in the first place.

At least now I know what a real best friend

looks like.

You mean me, right?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Just rent the U-Haul

and buy the Birkenstocks already, ladies.

Barf.

I got this.

Amber, is it?

- Apparently this is first class. - Mm-hm.

But that face of yours is screaming basic economy.

Fried hair, migrating filler.

And the only bags you forgot to check

are under those overlined eyes

that make you look like a spooked horse.

Next time you come for Tess or DeeDee,

remember, you just got a presidential address,

and it's 1600 Out-Of-My-Way-Bitch Boulevard.

Oh, Amber.

Because reading is what?

Fundamental!

Glamazonian Express, can you read me?

Can you read me?

Should I start with those shoes?

- Shut up. - Uh, loud and clear, Donna.

- Tell her about the president. - You're not gonna believe it.

The president has boarded the train by...

Wait. How did you get on the train?

No time. What are we looking at, Donna?

All right, you'll be coming up on the storm shortly.

I'm uploading a 3-D rendering to your comms.

Now, once you're there,

you'll have to find a way to stop that train

- with no brakes. - No brakes?

Otherwise, it'll crash into the final stop.

Crash.

Now the stop should be empty except for

the Make-A-Wish field trip that's visiting.

I... I shouldn't do this.

- What? - No. No.

One of you will have to stop the train.

- What? - One of you

will have to stop this train instead.

I will guide you. Go on.

Go.

T-minus one minute until the storm.

Whatever T-minus means.

Someone needs to be the conductor.

Tess.

- Tess, what are you doing? - Look, Deedles.

I know I am always saying that this is our moment,

but right now it's yours.

Madam President, are you sure about this?

I've never been more sure

about anything in my life.

Hello?

Oh.

Sorry. Never mind.

Now listen up.

When you get in there, you listen to everything I say.

Because this whole country is counting on you.

Any last words?

Good luck.

And don't fuck it up.

What's taking so long?

Okay, girls, buckle up.

- What's the plan? - We need to shut off the engine

and eject it from the train

so we can explode it out of its sexy little undercarriage.

What?

Then we can use it as an anchor

to slow us down.

Look for a small blue button.

Blue button. Uh...

Okay, well, that clearly didn't work.

Uh... What about

this one?

Mom.

I'm sorry. She always does this.

I'm fine now. I just needed a snack.

It's like that movie with the guy, that, like, actor,

and then they're on a desert island

and his best friend's a baseball.

We're running out of time.

Okay, I know. I'm trying.

Um... Wait, wait. I found it.

It's working. We're slowing down.

Donna, what's up ahead?

Okay, girls.

You're not gonna believe what I'm seeing.

We're coming up on a few irregular weather patterns.

Hold her steady, ladies.

We're seeing extreme lightning.

Heavy fog.

Deedles, where are you?

Tess, I can't see, so I have to speak loud.

No, you really don't. I am right here. Just reach out.

A lot of water.

Look, there's a blowfish.

Oh, it's blowing the angel fish.

Passengers, please be aware that your safety vest

also doubles as a flotation device.

To inflate, just pull the tab.

Ooh.

The only way out is through.

You girls got this, right?

I'll be cheering you on from back here.

- You girls need pretzels? - No, thanks.

Or a seltzer? Seltzer?

Ladies, it has been a pleasure playing with you tonight.

You're entering a zone of extreme pressure.

Oh, great. Where did that come from?

Oh, fuck.

Some very extreme pressure

might be enough to shatter the windows.

Almost there.

And they've got the hummus packs.

You know, with the pretzels on the side?

You know, I keep some of these in the Resolute Desk.

What's this doing here?

Deedles, I can see the station.

We're almost through the storm.

Tess, I think there's something wrong with the window.

Tess!

DeeDee!

Tess!

Tess!

Tess.

- Tess! - DeeDee!

- Tess! - DeeDee!

What is that?

It's a dog on two legs

pushing a shopping cart.

No, what's that?

As if this day couldn't get any worse.

Tess!

- Tess. - Take my hand.

Tess. You have to let me go.

No, I'll never let go.

We'll always have the memories.

Is it weird that I can't remember anything

that didn't happen today?

Yeah, me too.

Well done.

Can you please turn that down?

We did it.

We did it.

You know, I'm just getting out of something,

so not really looking for anything serious right now.

But it was really fun.

You first. I'm gonna go slip

into something a little more comfortable.

Okay.

- Tess. - Deedles.

Oh.

Come on. Let's go.

Look who it is. Look who it is. Come on.

Finally, people who know who I am. Oh!

No, DeeDee, I think nobody can tell

- you're not wearing pants. - Yes, they can tell.

- There's so many people here. - My goodness. Hi, how are you?

Hi.

Well, it's a little moist here, isn't it?

- It's a little moist. - We've never been to Florida.

Tess, DeeDee, you just saved countless lives.

Tell me how you feel.

I just wish Cal could have seen this.

- Aw. - DeeDee!

Cal, you're alive.

I know when I fell into the ravine,

it looked like I was definitely gonna die,

but I didn't.

I broke every bone in my body.

All I thought about was you, DeeDee.

On the brink of death, I was rescued

by a valet who was on a hike.

She was incredibly well-trained, and her name was--

Wait, Barb? How did you...

I'm a lot of things, girls, but nothing for too long.

Barbra, you're an angel.

Cal, I need to tell you something.

What, that you're in love with me?

- How did you know? - Because you said it, like,

eight times in the conductor cabin.

You kept looking at me, and then you would just glaze over

like you were fantasizing about something.

And sometimes, you looked at my body too.

I don't know why this is taking so long.

Just kiss already.

Ow! My shoulder!

You grabbed my exposed bone.

DeeDee, meet me in the ICU.

- I need to use your insurance. - He does like you.

I can't believe you did that.

Thank you, Madam President.

No, Donna.

Thank little Joanie Muggins.

Who?

Tess, DeeDee, a word for the Times.

Oh, we did it, DeeDee. We saw America.

You heard it here first.

We are live from Celebration, Florida.

This is Shayna Gefilte-Manischevitz.

Wait. One more thing.

We're missing someone.

♪ All aboard the party train ♪

♪ Hurry up and don't be late ♪

♪ Doo wop, don't you stop ♪

I mean, the only thing that worked

on this whole train is I got snacks once.

Can you believe we didn't even die?

Have a lovely day, sir.

NASA, The Real Housewives of Potomac,

BET, MTV, VH1.

XstyleC.

Sorry, guys.

One of which just got burned up by...

Mine fire that's been burning for 50 years.

I'm sorry.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, my God. Damn.

We hope you enjoyed your ride.

Please come back and see us again soon.

Thank you for choosing Glamazonian Express.

- Hope you had a nice trip. - Enjoy your day.

- Talk about dead weight, right? - Mm.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah.

- Oh. - Oh.

Okay. Cut.

Cutting. Cutting.

Nice ascot. I wish your ass got hit by a bus.

Oh, shit. Okay. I'm sorry.

- Okay. - Don't forget your bag.

We hope you enjoyed your ride.

Whee!

The conductor would like us to tell you

that we're approaching inclement weather ahead.

I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have looked at you.

Congratulations, you are a Miranda.

Gentle and compassionate, but also--

Okay.

I hope you had a pleasant

and enjoyable ride.

Come back again soon.

You see, this is exactly why we don't talk to you girls.

You see, this is exactly-- Would you stop it. Sorry.

- My face hidden? - You are.

You see, this...

Sorry. Fuck. I got it, I got it, okay. Here we go.

And look right into the camera. Mouth open.

The burning flesh!

And... Cut.

- Come again. - I plan on it.

Oh!

What the hell?

This is so stupid.

♪ All aboard the party train ♪

- Have a lovely day. - Love your nails.

- You would. - Oh, God.

And you two will never be Glamazonian material.

Okay. Wow.

And cut. Okay.

On to the next scene.

- What is that? - What is this?

I think it's shampoo.

- Is that funny? - Is it shampoo?

Okay, cut. Let's clean up their hands, please.

- Well, it smells good. - It smells great.

Thank you for riding with us, ma'am.

Please don't touch me.

- Ugh, it was polyblend. - Mm.

Don't worry. I've got this.

- Passengers! - Oh, my God.

So too early. Nun.

- Religious freedom. - You're so sweet.

I'm glad you're praying for everybody.

Oh, wait! Stop that train!

Thank you for choosing Glamazonian.

- Yuck, not you again. - Wait, but I'm--

- That's lovely. - Oh!

Uh... Hello?

Hello?