Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Look what I just got.

Wow, a new camcorder.

Looks expensive. Where'd you get the money for that?

Joe, why can't you just let him enjoy it? Why do you have to be so cynical?

Where'd you get the money for that?

And a pipe of petty cash.

All right, wait, wait, wait. Before you get so uptight, don't you even want to

know why I bought this?

Oh, just thought it'd be good.

Okay.

I bought it to make a wedding gift for you and Helen.

A wedding gift?

Yeah, a videotape of you and your friend telling the story of how you guys got

together. You know, the whole relationship.

I thought it'd be something that you could show your grandchildren, you know?

Something that the whole family would treasure.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

That's really nice of you. I'm sorry, brother.

Thanks.

Brian, that...

That's a lovely, lovely idea. I'm very impressed.

Yeah, me too.

Some of the quickest thinking I've ever done.

The problem is now, I've got to make the stupid thing.

Okay, Faye, we're rolling.

So quickly as you can, just tell the camera how Joe and Helen first got

together. I knew Joe and Helen when they were just friends, but even back then I

could tell they had a thing for each other. I mean, they may not have known

it, but I did.

Joe, it's just a difference in technique, that's all.

You're a stiff flipper and I'm a soft.

It's not a big deal.

I never really thought about it before. Does it make that much of a difference?

Yes.

Here, I'll show you.

You want to kiss me again? Oh, don't be stupid. This is an acting exercise.

Now just relax.

Don't pucker up like Dudley do, right? Just relax.

Like that?

That was better. That was much better.

Thanks for the tip.

Good night. Good night.

Anyway, tell me about your first date.

Oh, well, um, we've been friends for so long, but at first it was kind of

strange.

I don't think so. Once more. No. Hey, once more.

You're serious.

It's been a long day.

Yeah, I'm kind of beat myself.

And I'm certainly not getting any rest back here.

When did you first meet Joe and Helen? Oh.

Oh, that was their first Valentine's Day as a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

I was working as a waiter in an Italian restaurant, and there was this big mix

-up, and Helen ended up waiting for Joe the whole night, all alone.

I hate to see a beautiful woman alone on such a romantic night.

Giacomo, viene!

He's only a busboy now, but he has Ed Waiter written all over him.

Signorina, meet... My cousin Giacomo.

Hello. Your valentine for this evening.

What do you

say?

You say you're nice.

I'd give it a year, tops.

You're supposed to say something nice, Roy.

There was something nice.

I really only give it six months.

Would you say something positive?

Oh, all right, all right.

Those two sure could fight.

Alan, what are you doing?

Oh,

no.

No, no, you wouldn't. Now?

Okay.

playing the cello here gets it.

Let the cello go, Joe, and nobody gets hurt.

You put that ice pick down or this cello's gonna be playing in the violin

section.

You don't think I'll do it, do you? No.

Guess again.

I can't believe you...

fire extinguisher down.

You put the grease gun down first.

Oh, honey.

Oh, it was more of a spat than a fight. Yes. Well, no, what happened then?

I don't want to talk about it. No, what happened then?

She left me. Every musician worth his salt has to take a shot at New York. If

I can make it there, I can make it any... Well, you know.

Oh, just wait. Just wait.

Please stay.

I can't.

But thank you for asking.

Helen?

I love you.

I love you, too.

And that was it. We broke up.

Helen,

then what happened?

Well, um...

Are you okay now? Yes, I'm fine.

Okay.

So you went to New York to pursue your music career, and eight months later you

came back a complete failure.

Oh, thanks, Brian. I'd almost gotten over that.

All right, all right, all right.

Got an announcement to make? I'm only going to say this once.

New York sucked.

It was terrible. My life was terrible. My job was terrible. I lived in a

terrible rat-infested apartment building. It was the absolute low point

of my existence, and I don't want to ever, ever, ever, ever... ever talk

about that city again.

Okay? Any questions?

Did you see any good shows?

The only show I saw was a man peeing on 42nd Street.

Is that the new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical?

Now, when Helen found out that Joe was dating another woman while she was in

New York, she... Now, how can I put this nicely?

She went loony. She freaked.

She went psycho. I did not go psycho.

Helen?

Helen, you know I don't allow cars in here. She knows I don't.

Okay, I admit I had some unresolved issues, but that's why I went to the

therapy group and worked them all out. Why don't we try a little role play? I

mean, one of our men here could pretend to be Joe, and the two of you could have

a conversation.

Tell Joe what you really think of him.

No, I couldn't tell him what I really think of Joe.

Use me. I'm a tool.

Okay.

Joe, you shouldn't have treated me the way you did.

You lied to me.

You tricked me.

You let me believe we had a relationship. Just who the hell do you

think you are? Two-timing me with some floozy, I'll tell you who you are.

You're a no-good, cheap liar, pious, self-righteous S.O.B., and I'd like to

bite your head off.

anymore.

So, Joe and Helen went right... What are you doing?

What are you doing? I want to be in the shot.

No, you can't be in the... Get back there. Come on.

Please. This is for, you know, my brother.

Okay. So, Joe and Helen went right on pretending that they weren't in love,

but who were they kidding, huh?

Joe, I'm so over you, it's not even funny.

Yeah, you wish you were over me.

I wish you were all over me.

You know what I think?

I think you're the one not over me yet.

Oh, I feel nothing for you. Less than nothing. I'm more attracted to that

piece of meat.

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you kiss it?

You know, that really wasn't a kiss.

This is more of a kiss.

That was more like your kisses, cold and dead.

What the hell was that?

One minute we're spanking each other with meat, the next minute it got weird.

Okay, about Joe and Helen.

Yo, Brian, over here.

Hello, Brian. Yeah, I was just adjusting the focus there.

Yeah, right.

As I was saying, it's strange me talking about Joe and Helen because, after

all, I was her first husband.

I think some marriages are based on love.

Ours was based on something even more powerful.

My fear of getting my butt kicked out of the country.

Excuse me.

I'm George Fulham from Immigration and Naturalization. I'm supposed to meet an

Antonio Scarpacci.

Does anyone here know him?

Uh, no, I don't. You do?

No, I don't.

You low?

No, I don't. Do you, Antonio?

I am Antonio Scarpacci.

How do you do?

So, this meeting was supposed to be with you and your fiancé.

Where is he?

Um, my fiancé.

Uh, she's... She's... Right here, you

silly!

He's always kidding around.

I'm such a nut.

Joe and Helen. I don't even know them. What am I supposed to say?

tell them about yourself okay well my name is brooke i'm from newton

massachusetts i have a wonderful husband well for the next year or so joe and

helen played the field i mean they're intelligent attractive people it's not

as though they had a hard time finding days are you trying to hurt my feelings

you don't have any feelings you're a puppet you're real wood

I know that Helen is not going to like this part too much, but as far as dating

goes, I was on a real roll there for a while. Oh, no, he's going to bring up

the 19-year-old again. Well, come on, we had a lot in common. I'm meeting a bunch

of my friends there, and I happen to know there's an extra ticket.

Want to go?

Yeah, why not? I'd love to go see Pearl Jam.

Joe Hackett at a Pearl Jam concert?

Going out with a girl that age is crazy.

She is a child.

I mean, what could she possibly have in common?

For God's sake, Jill, I bathed that girl. I tucked her in.

What a coincidence.

I, on the other hand, went out with more appropriate people, decent men my own

age who shared common interests.

I'd like you to dress up like Little Bo Peep.

climb me to the bedpost and spank me for being the bad, bad boy that I am.

Excuse me.

I know the going rate for you girls is $300, but for this I'm willing to up it

to five.

Oh, my God.

That's the most disgusting... $500?

Hey, don't make it sound like that's the only kind of guys I went out with. Well,

you're the one that brought up the 19-year-old. Well, if I didn't, you sure

would have. Oh, and it drives you crazy, doesn't it? Oh, don't you wish it did.

So, when did you two realize that you couldn't live without each other?

Cut. Okay,

fake. So, Joe and Helen were going to one fine, two friends.

Oh, and then Davis Lynch came into the picture. You see, Joe wanted to expand

the airline, so he flew Davis in and tried to get him to invest. The only

problem was Davis was more interested in Helen than he was in Sam Pfeiffer. I've

learned you don't invest in business.

You invest in people.

Great, sure, I'd be glad to show you that.

But you'd rather go with someone like Helen?

Could you maybe show Lynch around the island?

Well, why me?

Well, uh, I guess he's looking for a little, you know, companionship.

Oh, really?

So he wanted a girl, and you just pointed at me?

No, no, no, no. He pointed at you, and I said okay.

Take him around and show him a good time.

Excuse me? Entertain him. Give him the lay of the land.

Oh, boy, that came out wrong.

was that Chaplin Lynch ended up dating for over a year.

It drove Hackett nuts.

He brought me a present.

Helen, you shouldn't open that. I can't. I'm going to open it.

That way I know how to reciprocate, and I'll cover my butt.

Well, that's certainly not going to do it.

Oh, God, I hope this is not for me.

Maybe he bought it for another woman.

Bastard.

Maybe it's for him, the bitch.

I remember the day that Davis proposed to Helen like it was yesterday.

What? What did I do yesterday?

I want you to marry me.

Um, what?

Are you going to make me say this again?

Yeah, I think I definitely need to hear that one more time.

Helen, will you marry me?

Tell you, my brother Joe is one classy guy.

I mean, even though he was still in love with Helen, he wasn't about to stand in

her way. Listen, Helen, I just want to say congratulations again.

You know, I'm sure that you and Davis will be really happy. Yeah, we are.

I think that I really picked the right man.

Which led to one of the weirder moments of my life.

I guess it's true what they say, you know. Once you break up with somebody,

you can never get back together, huh?

Huh? Oh, come on.

Joey, talk to me!

Yow!

But when it's right, it's right. And after that night, Joe and Helen knew

immediately that what they had was the stuff dreams are made of. You cannot

just run out of me like this. Joe, would you quit making such a big deal about

this? What we did last night was just sex. It was nothing else. It was just

sex. That's all it was. Sex.

So I went out to New York thinking that I was going to marry Davis. And then Joe

chased after me and proposed to me in Davis's elevator.

Dammit, Helen.

When you walked out this morning, I felt all the life drain out of me. I sat at

that counter, and all I could think about is all the years we've known each

other since we were kids. We've already spent a lifetime together.

Nobody knows me better than you, and no one knows you better than I do.

How can you even think about marrying Lynch? It's wrong.

Having kids with him, growing old together, that's our marriage.

So our kids.

We're supposed to be together.

I love you, Evelyn.

I guess sometimes love just isn't enough, huh?

Ask me again.

What?

Ask me again.

Will you marry me?

Oh, what the heck.

So, now that they're finally getting married, is there anything you'd like to

say to Joe and Helen?

Well, Joe, you've always been like a son, and Helen, you've always been like

a daughter, so for me, I feel like my son and daughter are marrying each

other.

Oh, wait, that's kind of sick.

Helen, Joe, now that you're a couple, when you come home at night, someone

will always be there waiting for you.

Unlike, say, me.

Hackett Chapel, I've worked alongside you for many years now.

Yes, go on, I'm still rolling.

I was done.

Helen, you're my baby sister, and I love you.

I just hope that your marriage isn't the rotting cesspool of disappointment,

lies, and betrayal that mine was.

Cheers.

Now it's the Joe Allen.

What can I say?

Well, well, I'm thinking.

Okay, that's about it. That's my gift to you.

Now, just one more thing to my brother, Joe.

Well, you're more than my brother. You're my best friend.

And to my other best friend, Helen, I just want to say that I couldn't be

happier or prouder that you're going to be my new sister-in-law.

So I wish you a long and happy, happy

marriage.

Oh, I'm so alone.

Oh, God.

So are you guys nervous about getting married or what, huh?

Absolutely not. We've never been more sure of anything in our lives. Right,

Jim? Oh, absolutely.

Okay, so now give each other a big kiss for the camera.

Come on, big smooch for eternity. Let's go. Put them together.

God, can you believe Grandma and Grandpa were ever that young?

Mm-mm.