All language subtitles for S06E21 - The Love Life and Times of Joe and Helen [1080p AIUs] [EN]

Hey, guys.

Look what I just got.

Wow, a new camcorder.

Looks expensive. Where'd you get the
money for that?

Joe, why can't you just let him enjoy
it? Why do you have to be so cynical?

Where'd you get the money for that?

And a pipe of petty cash.

All right, wait, wait, wait. Before you
get so uptight, don't you even want to

know why I bought this?

Oh, just thought it'd be good.

Okay.

I bought it to make a wedding gift for
you and Helen.

A wedding gift?

Yeah, a videotape of you and your friend
telling the story of how you guys got

together. You know, the whole
relationship.

I thought it'd be something that you
could show your grandchildren, you know?

Something that the whole family would
treasure.

Wow.

I don't know what to say.

That's really nice of you. I'm sorry,
brother.

Thanks.

Brian, that...

That's a lovely, lovely idea. I'm very
impressed.

Yeah, me too.

Some of the quickest thinking I've ever
done.

The problem is now, I've got to make the
stupid thing.

Okay, Faye, we're rolling.

So quickly as you can, just tell the
camera how Joe and Helen first got

together. I knew Joe and Helen when they
were just friends, but even back then I

could tell they had a thing for each
other. I mean, they may not have known

it, but I did.

Joe, it's just a difference in
technique, that's all.

You're a stiff flipper and I'm a soft.

It's not a big deal.

I never really thought about it before.
Does it make that much of a difference?

Yes.

Here, I'll show you.

You want to kiss me again? Oh, don't be
stupid. This is an acting exercise.

Now just relax.

Don't pucker up like Dudley do, right?
Just relax.

Like that?

That was better. That was much better.

Thanks for the tip.

Good night. Good night.

Anyway, tell me about your first date.

Oh, well, um, we've been friends for so
long, but at first it was kind of

strange.

I don't think so. Once more. No. Hey,
once more.

You're serious.

It's been a long day.

Yeah, I'm kind of beat myself.

And I'm certainly not getting any rest
back here.

When did you first meet Joe and Helen?
Oh.

Oh, that was their first Valentine's Day
as a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

I was working as a waiter in an Italian
restaurant, and there was this big mix

-up, and Helen ended up waiting for Joe
the whole night, all alone.

I hate to see a beautiful woman alone on
such a romantic night.

Giacomo, viene!

He's only a busboy now, but he has Ed
Waiter written all over him.

Signorina, meet... My cousin Giacomo.

Hello. Your valentine for this evening.

What do you

say?

You say you're nice.

I'd give it a year, tops.

You're supposed to say something nice,
Roy.

There was something nice.

I really only give it six months.

Would you say something positive?

Oh, all right, all right.

Those two sure could fight.

Alan, what are you doing?

Oh,

no.

No, no, you wouldn't. Now?

Okay.

playing the cello here gets it.

Let the cello go, Joe, and nobody gets
hurt.

You put that ice pick down or this
cello's gonna be playing in the violin

section.

You don't think I'll do it, do you? No.

Guess again.

I can't believe you...

fire extinguisher down.

You put the grease gun down first.

Oh, honey.

Oh, it was more of a spat than a fight.
Yes. Well, no, what happened then?

I don't want to talk about it. No, what
happened then?

She left me. Every musician worth his
salt has to take a shot at New York. If

I can make it there, I can make it
any... Well, you know.

Oh, just wait. Just wait.

Please stay.

I can't.

But thank you for asking.

Helen?

I love you.

I love you, too.

And that was it. We broke up.

Helen,

then what happened?

Well, um...

Are you okay now? Yes, I'm fine.

Okay.

So you went to New York to pursue your
music career, and eight months later you

came back a complete failure.

Oh, thanks, Brian. I'd almost gotten
over that.

All right, all right, all right.

Got an announcement to make? I'm only
going to say this once.

New York sucked.

It was terrible. My life was terrible.
My job was terrible. I lived in a

terrible rat-infested apartment
building. It was the absolute low point

of my existence, and I don't want to
ever, ever, ever, ever... ever talk

about that city again.

Okay? Any questions?

Did you see any good shows?

The only show I saw was a man peeing on
42nd Street.

Is that the new Andrew Lloyd Webber
musical?

Now, when Helen found out that Joe was
dating another woman while she was in

New York, she... Now, how can I put this
nicely?

She went loony. She freaked.

She went psycho. I did not go psycho.

Helen?

Helen, you know I don't allow cars in
here. She knows I don't.

Okay, I admit I had some unresolved
issues, but that's why I went to the

therapy group and worked them all out.
Why don't we try a little role play? I

mean, one of our men here could pretend
to be Joe, and the two of you could have

a conversation.

Tell Joe what you really think of him.

No, I couldn't tell him what I really
think of Joe.

Use me. I'm a tool.

Okay.

Joe, you shouldn't have treated me the
way you did.

You lied to me.

You tricked me.

You let me believe we had a
relationship. Just who the hell do you

think you are? Two-timing me with some
floozy, I'll tell you who you are.

You're a no-good, cheap liar, pious,
self-righteous S.O.B., and I'd like to

bite your head off.

anymore.

So, Joe and Helen went right... What are
you doing?

What are you doing? I want to be in the
shot.

No, you can't be in the... Get back
there. Come on.

Please. This is for, you know, my
brother.

Okay. So, Joe and Helen went right on
pretending that they weren't in love,

but who were they kidding, huh?

Joe, I'm so over you, it's not even
funny.

Yeah, you wish you were over me.

I wish you were all over me.

You know what I think?

I think you're the one not over me yet.

Oh, I feel nothing for you. Less than
nothing. I'm more attracted to that

piece of meat.

Oh, yeah?

Then why don't you kiss it?

You know, that really wasn't a kiss.

This is more of a kiss.

That was more like your kisses, cold and
dead.

What the hell was that?

One minute we're spanking each other
with meat, the next minute it got weird.

Okay, about Joe and Helen.

Yo, Brian, over here.

Hello, Brian. Yeah, I was just adjusting
the focus there.

Yeah, right.

As I was saying, it's strange me talking
about Joe and Helen because, after

all, I was her first husband.

I think some marriages are based on
love.

Ours was based on something even more
powerful.

My fear of getting my butt kicked out of
the country.

Excuse me.

I'm George Fulham from Immigration and
Naturalization. I'm supposed to meet an

Antonio Scarpacci.

Does anyone here know him?

Uh, no, I don't. You do?

No, I don't.

You low?

No, I don't. Do you, Antonio?

I am Antonio Scarpacci.

How do you do?

So, this meeting was supposed to be with
you and your fiancé.

Where is he?

Um, my fiancé.

Uh, she's... She's... Right here, you

silly!

He's always kidding around.

I'm such a nut.

Joe and Helen. I don't even know them.
What am I supposed to say?

tell them about yourself okay well my
name is brooke i'm from newton

massachusetts i have a wonderful husband
well for the next year or so joe and

helen played the field i mean they're
intelligent attractive people it's not

as though they had a hard time finding
days are you trying to hurt my feelings

you don't have any feelings you're a
puppet you're real wood

I know that Helen is not going to like
this part too much, but as far as dating

goes, I was on a real roll there for a
while. Oh, no, he's going to bring up

the 19-year-old again. Well, come on, we
had a lot in common. I'm meeting a bunch

of my friends there, and I happen to
know there's an extra ticket.

Want to go?

Yeah, why not? I'd love to go see Pearl
Jam.

Joe Hackett at a Pearl Jam concert?

Going out with a girl that age is crazy.

She is a child.

I mean, what could she possibly have in
common?

For God's sake, Jill, I bathed that
girl. I tucked her in.

What a coincidence.

I, on the other hand, went out with more
appropriate people, decent men my own

age who shared common interests.

I'd like you to dress up like Little Bo
Peep.

climb me to the bedpost and spank me for
being the bad, bad boy that I am.

Excuse me.

I know the going rate for you girls is
$300, but for this I'm willing to up it

to five.

Oh, my God.

That's the most disgusting... $500?

Hey, don't make it sound like that's the
only kind of guys I went out with. Well,

you're the one that brought up the
19-year-old. Well, if I didn't, you sure

would have. Oh, and it drives you crazy,
doesn't it? Oh, don't you wish it did.

So, when did you two realize that you
couldn't live without each other?

Cut. Okay,

fake. So, Joe and Helen were going to
one fine, two friends.

Oh, and then Davis Lynch came into the
picture. You see, Joe wanted to expand

the airline, so he flew Davis in and
tried to get him to invest. The only

problem was Davis was more interested in
Helen than he was in Sam Pfeiffer. I've

learned you don't invest in business.

You invest in people.

Great, sure, I'd be glad to show you
that.

But you'd rather go with someone like
Helen?

Could you maybe show Lynch around the
island?

Well, why me?

Well, uh, I guess he's looking for a
little, you know, companionship.

Oh, really?

So he wanted a girl, and you just
pointed at me?

No, no, no, no. He pointed at you, and I
said okay.

Take him around and show him a good
time.

Excuse me? Entertain him. Give him the
lay of the land.

Oh, boy, that came out wrong.

was that Chaplin Lynch ended up dating
for over a year.

It drove Hackett nuts.

He brought me a present.

Helen, you shouldn't open that. I can't.
I'm going to open it.

That way I know how to reciprocate, and
I'll cover my butt.

Well, that's certainly not going to do
it.

Oh, God, I hope this is not for me.

Maybe he bought it for another woman.

Bastard.

Maybe it's for him, the bitch.

I remember the day that Davis proposed
to Helen like it was yesterday.

What? What did I do yesterday?

I want you to marry me.

Um, what?

Are you going to make me say this again?

Yeah, I think I definitely need to hear
that one more time.

Helen, will you marry me?

Tell you, my brother Joe is one classy
guy.

I mean, even though he was still in love
with Helen, he wasn't about to stand in

her way. Listen, Helen, I just want to
say congratulations again.

You know, I'm sure that you and Davis
will be really happy. Yeah, we are.

I think that I really picked the right
man.

Which led to one of the weirder moments
of my life.

I guess it's true what they say, you
know. Once you break up with somebody,

you can never get back together, huh?

Huh? Oh, come on.

Joey, talk to me!

Yow!

But when it's right, it's right. And
after that night, Joe and Helen knew

immediately that what they had was the
stuff dreams are made of. You cannot

just run out of me like this. Joe, would
you quit making such a big deal about

this? What we did last night was just
sex. It was nothing else. It was just

sex. That's all it was. Sex.

So I went out to New York thinking that
I was going to marry Davis. And then Joe

chased after me and proposed to me in
Davis's elevator.

Dammit, Helen.

When you walked out this morning, I felt
all the life drain out of me. I sat at

that counter, and all I could think
about is all the years we've known each

other since we were kids. We've already
spent a lifetime together.

Nobody knows me better than you, and no
one knows you better than I do.

How can you even think about marrying
Lynch? It's wrong.

Having kids with him, growing old
together, that's our marriage.

So our kids.

We're supposed to be together.

I love you, Evelyn.

I guess sometimes love just isn't
enough, huh?

Ask me again.

What?

Ask me again.

Will you marry me?

Oh, what the heck.

So, now that they're finally getting
married, is there anything you'd like to

say to Joe and Helen?

Well, Joe, you've always been like a
son, and Helen, you've always been like

a daughter, so for me, I feel like my
son and daughter are marrying each

other.

Oh, wait, that's kind of sick.

Helen, Joe, now that you're a couple,
when you come home at night, someone

will always be there waiting for you.

Unlike, say, me.

Hackett Chapel, I've worked alongside
you for many years now.

Yes, go on, I'm still rolling.

I was done.

Helen, you're my baby sister, and I love
you.

I just hope that your marriage isn't the
rotting cesspool of disappointment,

lies, and betrayal that mine was.

Cheers.

Now it's the Joe Allen.

What can I say?

Well, well, I'm thinking.

Okay, that's about it. That's my gift to
you.

Now, just one more thing to my brother,
Joe.

Well, you're more than my brother.
You're my best friend.

And to my other best friend, Helen, I
just want to say that I couldn't be

happier or prouder that you're going to
be my new sister-in-law.

So I wish you a long and happy, happy

marriage.

Oh, I'm so alone.

Oh, God.

So are you guys nervous about getting
married or what, huh?

Absolutely not. We've never been more
sure of anything in our lives. Right,

Jim? Oh, absolutely.

Okay, so now give each other a big kiss
for the camera.

Come on, big smooch for eternity. Let's
go. Put them together.

God, can you believe Grandma and Grandpa
were ever that young?

Mm-mm.