Original subtitles

You know, last night I noticed on takeoff that there was a lot less shimmy

in the plane.

What'd you do, change the gap on the plugs?

Yeah, I had a little do yesterday. That's a very astute observation there,

Brian.

That's when I've been using words like astute.

What are you talking about? I use words like astute all the time.

Words like astute, maybe, but I've never heard the word astute come out of your

mouth. Really?

I swear to God. Are you kidding?

I'm not kidding. The opportunity to use it in a sentence never came up before.

I'm told today. I'm told today. Would you two please stop it? Stop it!

Don't you have anything else to talk about? This is the first time you've

ever said astute. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Yes, no, it isn't.

If you don't stop, I'm going out to my cab and blow my brains out.

Tony, how many cups of coffee have you had today? Seven.

You know, I would really try to cut down a little if I were you.

I'll try, Joe. Thanks.

Very astute.

Okay. Brian.

Hey, Brian, how was the flight?

Boring as usual. So far, the highlight of my day has been recognizing one of

the passengers from an underwear ad in a magazine.

Really?

Her?

Him.

It's been one of those days.

This is Helen, noted cellist and founder of the Nantucket... String quartet

Winston Catlow has left the group over artistic differences.

I'll be darned, Winston Catlow.

You know, he was my first cello teacher when I was a little girl.

He used to throw pencils at me whenever I made a mistake.

No, no, no, it sounds mean, but it made me a better musician.

It did? Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Take another crack at the meatloaf.

ever throw anything at me again.

I will come over there, put my thumbs up your nostrils, and turn your nose into a

hat.

Helen, would you mind making my lunch before you do that?

According to the paper, auditions for the quartet will be held in the near

future. Why don't you go for it, Helen?

Yes, it sounds perfect for you. Oh, perfect? That sounds perfect to

everyone? Well, listen up. My music career ended when Joe crashed the plane

and my cello sank to the bottom of the Atlantic. So if anybody else has any

bright suggestions, just keep them to yourself.

Well, somebody woke up with a ferret in their trousers.

Oh, this is interesting.

The worst... Playhouse is putting on a production of Phantom of the Opera.

Phantom of the Opera. Oh, that's a good story.

What is this Phantom of the Opera?

You know, where the disfigured nutjob lives underneath the Paris Opera House

and drives everybody zooey so this young babe can sing instead of the fat diva in

the helmet.

We'll be right back with Theater Beast and our host, Alistair Cooke.

Oh, wait a minute. I read that wrong.

It's Phantom of the Opera.

a musical by local playwright Ernest Freeman.

It's about a deranged ex-producer of the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Horribly disfigured, when a boom mic fell on him, he roamed the catwalks high

above the studio waiting to exact his revenge.

I think I'll wait for a streetcar named Donahue.

Yeah, sounds a little weird from my take.

You thought South Pacific was weird.

It says they're going to hold open auditions on Tuesday. I'd better start

practicing my singing.

I wonder if they need a leading man.

Maybe they're parts for all of us. Oh, wouldn't that be exciting?

I wonder if Lowell knows.

Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa.

He knows.

Make it quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop saying yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Helen.

Brian.

You're smoking a cigarette, Helen.

Yes, I believe I am.

But you don't smoke.

I'm a little upset, okay?

Well, I thought you ate when you were upset.

Honey, I got a whole treasure trove of ice.

If you'll excuse me, I'd like to get back to slowly and systematically

killing myself.

Well, whatever works for you.

Ever wonder about people who get exactly what they want out of life?

People like Walt Disney, Jonas Galt, and Cher, for that matter.

Well, I don't think of those three as a group usually, but... Let me see what

you're saying.

At least you know what you want out of life.

Not really. Look at me. I'm 31 years old. I haven't got a clue. I'm as

confused as ever.

What confused I can deal with is this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach

that's starting to get on my nerves.

You want that string quartet gig, huh?

I know I kept saying that music was out of my system, but I was just kidding

myself. I mean, not a day goes by that I don't hear a piece of music and wonder

what it would sound like if I were playing it.

I miss it so much, Brian.

Well, Helen.

What I'm about to say may sound like it's coming right out of left field, but

why don't you just get yourself a cello and go to the audition?

You don't just get yourself a cello. A good instrument costs like $15,000.

$15,000?

Man, I went through the three stages and slid down a hill on one.

Can't you just rent a cello?

Sure, if you want one that sounds like the three stages, just slid down a hill

on it.

Okay, all right, so how about this?

Why don't you take a second job?

Doing what?

Anything. Anything.

Yeah. And all you need to do is save up for a down payment on the cello.

And the monthly payment will be tough for a while, but on the bright side,

your breasts are huge.

I don't know, Brian. The auditions are coming up pretty... Brian!

The auditions are coming up pretty soon.

Yeah, with the right job, you'll be halfway to your down payment by the end

of the month.

Maybe with the right job.

So?

What's stopping you?

Nothing.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it, Brian.

Hey, thanks! Hey, you come up with the semi-decent idea every now and again.

You know, I'm kind of excited about this.

All I need is a simple job that pays great, doesn't require any training.

And it fits in with my schedule. How hard can that be, huh? Yeah.

Shake a leg, sweet cake. That ain't gonna gut itself.

Look, doll, I know it's your first night and everything, but we're not here to

build relationships with these things.

You really gotta speed it up.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get the hang of it. Don't worry, honey.

You'll get used to it in a couple of years.

Oh, no. I'm not going to be here that long. See, there's an audition coming up

for the string quartet, and I'm just trying to save enough money to buy a

cello. Oh.

Betty, you're on sabbatical from, which is it, Harvard or Yale?

Hey, who does this look like?

Excuse me?

Who does this look like?

Um, Charlie the Tuna?

No, don't be stupid. A real person.

Am I missing something here?

Betty collects fish heads that look like famous people.

Ted Koppel, look around the eyes.

If you're ever invited to Betty's house, and this is important, never, ever go

into her den.

You better get a move on. You don't get any points for neatness.

I'm sorry, I'm just not an experienced monger like yourself.

I mean, it's one thing when you pull it out of a can, but, I mean, when you look

at it and realize that moments ago it had a life and maybe a name.

Doll, there are 12 million fish in here and they all got the same story. I'm

swimming, I'm dead, I'm dinner.

Okay, I did it. There's my first fish.

Did it all by myself.

The rush of accomplishment doesn't last long, does it?

approach it fight it Doris how's it going darling oh it's just going great

I'm just doing really good getting the hang of it starting to enjoy myself yeah

well if the time ever comes and you find you can't hack it on the line I might be

able to find a cushy position for you up in my office well if I wanted something

cold and dead why would I ever leave here

I bet that's what he said when he picked out that shirt this morning.

Where is Antonio?

He was supposed to be back by now.

What's the big deal, Clay? Well, they posted the cast list for Phantom of the

Opera down at the theater. He went down to see if any of us got parts.

Oh, I hope I get the part of Oprah Winfrey. Oh, please.

I wouldn't bank on it, Cochran. Janine Tolliver auditioned for that part.

She's Oprah's age, she's Oprah's build, and she's black.

You're none of those things.

That's why they call it acting.

Hey, morning. Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

I'm sorry I'm late. I didn't even go home. I just came straight from the

plant.

I'll just make us a fresh pot of coffee.

Helen, I can't tell you how much I admire your perseverance to work at this

job all day and another job at night and still stay so bright and efficient.

Helen?

God, she's asleep.

Great, let's drag her outside and hose her off.

Oh, let me get you something. You fell asleep. Come on. You're exhausted. Why

don't you just go home? No, no. I need both of these jobs if I'm going to get

that cello. Well, how long can you keep this up? I think the question is, how

long can we keep this up? Now, look, we've been pussy-putting around this for

a week.

But damn it, Helen, you stink.

It's true. You know, honey, you really do smell like low tide.

All right, all right. You've made your point.

I smell bad. I look like hell, and I'm tired.

But it's a good tired because I feel better about myself than I have in ages.

Why?

Want to know why? I'll show you.

This is why.

My first paycheck.

I am this much closer to getting that cello and getting my life back on track

again. You know how good it feels to wake up in the morning with a purpose?

You say purpose or porpoise?

list. Yes, yes, I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. Oh, I know I didn't get

the part of Oprah.

No, you didn't.

All right, that means I still have a chance.

No, Lowell, Janine Sullivan got the part, and Faye is her understudy.

You also play a member of the studio audience.

Oh, cool.

Roy, you played the part of a producer.

A producer, huh?

Yes. You are an overbearing, pompous windbag.

Sounds like a great character.

That's not his character.

I've just been dying to say that to him.

What did I get? Okay, Lowell, you get to play the part of a stagehand if you

agree to be a stagehand for the play.

Okay. If I agree to be a stagehand for the play, then I can be a stagehand

in...

Whoa, I really, I've got to stay focused or this could be very confusing.

How about you, Antonio?

Oh, I am one of the guests on Oprah's show.

I play a man who is only attracted to women who used to be men.

You stay pretty focused yourself there, okay?

I just called the packing plant to confirm my hours.

And they fired me.

Why? Oh, just, I don't know, something about layoff.

Oh, what difference does it make?

Don't you see the irony here?

I want to be a concert cellist, and I can't even keep some disgusting job

getting fixed.

Hey, Helen, I'm really sorry.

Don't you pity me.

That's the last thing I need right now.

Don't you see? I've learned a valuable lesson. Everyone has a station in life,

and I've found mine standing behind this counter, slinging hash for the rest of

eternity.

May I help you?

What's your fish special?

What, you couldn't have ordered a hamburger?

It's important.

Lowell, why are you sitting here in the dark?

It's relaxing.

Yeah, but Lowell, the idea of you sitting alone in here in the dark makes

me nervous.

Then you should try sitting in the dark sometime.

It's relaxing.

Come on, Brian, what is this about? I want to call a family meeting.

Now? Yes, now. Come on, this has been keeping me up for hours.

Lowell, I'd like a little privacy. Would you mind going out into the living room?

It's dark in there.

I know. You've been sitting here in the dark. Fine, fine, fine. Don't poke it.

Don't prod it. Just leave it alone.

Can I be part of the family meeting?

Well, Lowell, technically, you're not really a family member.

Oh, I see.

I just cook the meals, wash the clothes, clean the house.

I'm just a hired hand.

Hopping without the pigtail.

Lowell. You're a member of the family.

Great, thanks.

Okay, now, I've got an idea, but it's gonna cost us all some money.

Well, see ya!

Okay, all right, Bernard, what is this about, and how much is it gonna cost?

All right, well, you saw what happened to Helen today. I mean, she was really

devastated. Yeah, I know. How much? I mean, I've seen her depressed before,

but never this bad.

Frankly... I don't think she's going to be able to get herself back on track. I

have to agree with you, and I'm really very concerned. How much? Okay, so this

is what I'm proposing. How much? Oh, will you let me finish? Sorry.

I think this is by Helen, a new cello.

That is a great idea.

Aren't you going to ask me how much? You bet your ass. How much?

14 or 15.

Wow. Oh, that is pretty steep.

I guess you can't put a price on a friendship. I suppose between us we'd

come up with $1,400, $1,500.

Yes, I suppose we could do that, but I was talking more like $14,000, $15,000.

Are you crazy?

Wait a second. You just said you couldn't put a price on friendship. No,

I was wrong. You can't. It's $1,500.

What the hell are we talking about here?

Where are we going to come up with $15,000?

I've been doing a little research. Oh, God. You are really serious about this

$15,000.

$15,000.

What have we got that's worth $15,000?

You are sitting on it.

I am not going in that line of work.

Talking about taking out a mortgage on the house and don't flatter yourself.

and just take a mortgage out on the house and buy Helen a cello? Joe, you're

not going to feel it. We're going to spread the pain of sound.

The real point is, how many chances do we have to change a person's life,

especially somebody as close as Helen?

Let me ask just one question here.

What's in it for you?

Absolutely nothing, which, as far as I can tell, is the only major flaw.

What do you say?

Okay.

You are a beautiful...

Beautiful man. You're not going to kiss me, are you?

Not until you brush your teeth.

Want to sleep with me?

You're going to sit here all alone in the dark?

It's relaxing.

Okay, I'm ready to rehearse.

Oh, fine. Why don't we do the scene where Oprah first suspects that

something's gone wrong?

Oh. That's act one, scene three.

But, Faye, you're not in the scene. You didn't get the part of Oprah.

Well, I have to be ready to go on in case anything should happen to Janine.

God forbid.

Oh, Lowell, come on over. We're rehearsing now.

Do you need your script?

No. Are you sure you know your line?

Line, Faye. I just have one line. I think I can handle it.

Excuse me, Miss Winfrey.

That phone's out of order.

Okay. Okay.

Fine.

Let's take it from where they find that cameraman crushed under his own camera.

Top of page eight.

Oh, my God.

How could this have happened, Frank? I don't know, Oprah.

Looks like the camera fell over on him by accident.

Or did it?

I'd better call the police.

I'd better call...

Lowell. Huh? That's your excuse.

Oh, all right, right.

Excuse me, Miss Winfrey.

That line? For God's sake.

No, that's not it.

Well, here it is. All right.

Yeah. That's what $15,000 looks like. Yeah, yeah. You want to take a closer

look?

At least I hope it's the real one.

So, how do you want to do this?

You all right? Yeah, I don't know. Just call her in here and give it to her.

Oh, very impressive, Mr.

Ziegfeld. Now I know why they call you the greatest showman. Just call her in

here. I'll figure out something nice to say, all right?

Hey, Alan, could you come in here for a minute?

Excuse me, Miss Winfrey.

When she sees this thing, man, she's gonna flip.

The look on her face is gonna make it all worthwhile.

Come in.

Oh, you guys wanted to see me?

Yes, uh, Helen, we did.

We got something we want to give you, so without further ado... Joe, Joe, Joe, I

think we can manage a little ado, okay?

Uh... Helen.

We know what you've been going through.

And we know how much music means to you.

And we love you.

And we want to help you.

So we got you this gift.

And that's just what it is, a gift. No strings attached.

That's right.

Actually, four strings attached.

How could you guys do this to me?

wire it up, pop a pleated shade on it, it'd be a darn nice floor lamp.