Original subtitles

How you doing over there?

Okay. Yeah?

You know, it's going to be a pretty long flight. Would you like a corner book?

Got one right here?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

You don't?

Boy, flying a plane is really neat, you know?

It's almost like we're a great big bird.

Well, actually, sir, it couldn't be more different.

Whereas... Birds move the airfoil of their wings to soothe the atmosphere to

achieve lift. A plane uses a stationary airfoil. In forward movement or thrust,

you would see the same effect.

It's all just rudimentary physics and simple aerodynamics.

Tell you what.

You fly, and I'll color.

Coffee, please, Helen, and keep it coming.

Oh, God, Antonio, you look exhausted.

I am.

I haven't slept all week. At 5 a.m. every morning, I wake up to the piercing

sound of my neighbor's leaf blower.

Does it sound like... Or does it sound more like...

The second one.

Oh, that would be the Yard Demon 742.

Known in the trade as the big bad wolf.

You're up against the best.

Leaf blower, huh? That's not a problem.

If it's gas power, you put sugar in the fuel tank. If it's electric, you snip

the cord.

Then you simply pour kerosene on the guy's lawn and light it.

Listen, if you're having problems with the guy, why don't you just talk to him?

I'm not good at face-to-face confrontations.

I know.

I could send him a politely worded note along with a box of scented soaps.

You sure you don't want to go over and draw his bath?

I just hope I'm not forced to call my uncle Carmine.

He knows people who know people.

Wait, Antonio, do you really think that's necessary?

Yes. One of those people must have a place I could sleep.

Helen, do you see that young man over at the Sandpiper desk?

See him?

I'm trying to decide what to buy him for our 25th wedding anniversary.

Well, I don't like the way he's snooping around.

Watch it. I like the way he's doing it.

Never mind.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Are you looking for something?

No, actually someone.

Is this where Joe Hackett works?

Oh, yes, but he's not here now.

Oh. Well, look, I'm Connor McDowell, and I'm a friend of his from college, and I

didn't want to be on Nantucket without stopping by to say hello. Oh, how nice.

Well, Joe should be back soon.

If you'd like to have a cup of coffee, I'm sure that that blonde, perky, and

conveniently unattached waitress would be happy to serve you.

Thanks.

Look, I'm telling you, you want to set that neighbor of yours straight, borrow

my chainsaw and do a little creative tree trimming.

I don't see myself as a chainsaw kind of guy.

Okay, we'll move on.

Does he have any pets or loved ones living in the house with him?

Oh, come on, you're handcuffing me here.

So, after college, did you become a pilot, too?

No, actually, I'm an oceanographer.

Really? I've always found it so fascinating.

You know, I never miss a Jacques Cousteau special.

Yeah, I've been out with him a few times on the Calypso.

You're kidding. You know Jacques Cousteau?

Yeah. We once spent eight hours in a decompression chamber and passed the

time playing charades. What I thought was an elaborate clue just turned out to

be a case of the Benz.

Morning, Helen.

Morning, Joe.

Joe. Connor.

Connor McDevitt.

My God, it's been ages. How you doing?

I'm great, I'm great. What brings you to Nantucket? Work. We're studying the

whale feeding grounds off Stillwagon Bank. Huh. So Connor said you two went

to school together?

Yeah, that's right. We were in the same fraternity. Oh.

In fact, one night we were in the same sorority.

Anybody still call you Skirt?

I, uh, don't think anyone really wants to hear about that. I think someone

wants to hear about that. Go right ahead, Skirt. Well, one night we were

all sitting around trying to come up with a way to sneak into a sorority

house, and Joe had this idea. Yeah, it would have worked, too, if I hadn't

broken a high heel on the stairs. Come on.

I'll show you around before we dredge up any more memories. Okay. I'll talk to

you later, Helen. Okay.

Whew! That guy's incredible.

You know, not many men have it all.

Oh, I know. So many of them just work the upper body. So few have the legs to

go with it.

And that brings us back to the hangar. And that's about it.

Oh, and this is my number one mechanic, Lowell Mather.

Wait a minute, Joe.

Number one mechanic?

You mean there's a number two?

There's a new guy?

I'm supposed to take him under my wing, teach him everything I know, and then

just sit idly by while he squeezes me out.

Lois, this is Connor McDevitt. He's an old fraternity brother of mine. Oh,

great. Nepotism.

Lois, he isn't even a mechanic.

He's just visiting. Oh, nice to meet you.

Well, that was interesting.

What can I tell you? He came with a hanger.

So... How's your social life? Are you dating anyone special?

I'm not even dating anyone ordinary.

What about you?

That depends.

What's the story with that Helen? Is she seeing anyone?

Uh, no.

No, not really. But, you know, I really wouldn't get involved there. I know both

of you, and to be perfectly honest, I just don't think it would work.

Why not?

Well, you just wouldn't mix. You'd be like oil and water.

Although oil and water don't technically mix.

Seen up close, their union creates a rainbow of ethereal beauty.

Anyone who's been face down in a gutter on a rainy night will back me up on that

one.

He must be a really good mechanic.

Time for a break, guys.

How about some iced tea?

You know, these boys work so hard. I'd like to bring them something cool and

refreshing to help them through the day. Since when? Oh, just drink it, Joe.

Well... Thanks anyways, but I gotta get going.

Oh, already?

You just got here. Yeah, I'm afraid so. I've got people waiting for me.

Talk to you later, Joe. Yeah, so long, Connor. Good to see you. Helen? Yes?

Lowell, nice meeting you.

Bye.

Whew!

You never told me you went to college with a babe like that.

Connor? Oh, yeah, he's okay, I guess.

Okay? No, Joe. You're okay.

Do you think you can put in a good word for me?

Well, I guess I could.

You'll have to do a lot better than you did.

What did he say?

Well, if memory serves, he pretty much told that guy that dating you would be a

big mistake.

Now, Joe, maybe in your own subtle way, you're trying to bring these two kids

together.

Learn it sometimes.

You just got to come right out and say what you mean. Get out, Lowell.

See? There you go.

What did you tell Connor about me? Nothing, nothing. He just sort of asked

about you, and I sort of told him that you might not be good together.

Well, you have your nerve.

Where the hell do you get off? Helen, listen, trust me. I know this guy. Well,

you obviously don't know me.

See, I don't need you screening my dates.

How arrogant can you be?

I can't believe that... Ah, wait a

minute.

What are you laughing at? Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe. Poor, warped, lonely little Joe.

I know what this is all about.

Oh, stop that.

You don't want me to go out with Connor because you can't bear to see me with

another man.

Oh, please.

Admit it, Joe, you're still not over me yet. I'm not over you, Helen.

I've taken more time getting over speed bumps.

Joe!

Read my lips.

We're not getting back together.

Oh, yeah, read my lips.

Oh, well, that was attractive.

Helen, look, I don't care who you go out with. Okay, well, if that's true, then

stop meddling. You know, I can take care of my own social life, thank you very

much, so just butt out.

You know, I don't need you to speak to any man on my behalf. Is that clear?

Perfectly. Good. Now get in there on the phone to your friend Connor and pick me

up.

What a pleasant surprise you called.

I didn't know you had my number.

Joe gave it to me. Oh, that Joe.

I sure hope you like Jerry Lewis movies. Oh, actually, I've never seen one.

Well, I love the guy.

I know. I know. A lot of people are afraid to admit that, but I think he's

funny. Actually, it was Jacques Cousteau who helped me come out of the closet

with Jerry.

Jacques Cousteau is a Jerry Lewis fan?

Well, you should see him walking around the boat on the inside edges of a swim

fin.

Hey, lady.

Watch. I love the way this movie ends.

I spoke to him about the leaf blower, as you advised, and we came to an

understanding.

Now I understand his passion for gardening, and he understands my

inability to bob or move to my right.

For God's sake, what a wimp. I told you you should have listened to me. The only

way to handle a bully is to be a bully.

I'll take care of it for you.

Well, Roy, you really don't... Don't worry.

I can handle it.

Before all my neighbors moved away, I used to do this kind of thing all the

time.

Tony, do you really think you should let Roy handle this?

Brian, I called my neighbor. I sent him a nice note.

I tried to reason with him. He hit me in my face.

Now, it is time to unleash the dogs of hell.

McDevitt, you mean that guy from your frat house? The one with the... That's

the one. Oh, man, that guy's laugh could set off a car alarm.

That guy's laugh could be a car alarm.

It is her own fault. I tried to warn her about this guy, but then she starts in

with this stuff about me being jealous. So I figure, fine, go out with him and

find out for yourself. Whoa, she's coming.

Morning, Helen.

Good morning.

I think she's going to come here last night. You guys have a lot of laughs?

Oh, movies. Hey, see, aren't they showing that Jerry Lewis film festival,

Joe? I believe they are, Brian. I understand it's hysterical. Really?

They must have laughed their heads off.

Helen, did you notice anything odd at all about Connor? Oh, Joe, quit trying

to run him down. I told you it's over between you and me.

She says that just to annoy me.

Well, what else would anyone want to talk to you about?

and I'm talking about the guy's laugh, and you know it. He laughs like a pack

mule after a double espresso.

Okay, okay, yes, I notice his laugh, and yes, it's a little bit unusual, but

certainly nothing that would turn me off.

Oh, come on, you're lying. It drove you nuts. It had to. She's lying.

Joe, look, maybe when you go out with a girl, all you care about is what's on

the surface. Is her butt firm enough? Are her legs long enough? Are her

breasts... Big enough. Well, you know, if the breasts and legs are there, I'm

willing to cut some slack on the butt.

Shut up.

But I, on the other hand, am only concerned with what's on the inside of a

person. And the way they laugh, it just doesn't matter.

It matters.

Helen, it sounds as if you had a wonderful time with that Connor fella.

Is that what it sounds like?

Well, you just told Joe you had a great time. That's what I heard. Oh, don't you

people have anything better to do than to listen to my conversations?

It's either that or have one of our own.

All right, the truth of the matter is, most of the night was perfect.

I mean, he's intelligent, he's fun, and charming.

But? But it was his laugh.

Oh, it was like fingernails on a chalkboard.

I mean, if I could have ripped the cushion from my theater seat, I would

have smothered him with it.

You had a good time.

Oh, there's no way I'm going to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was

right. Hell, I'd marry the jackal before I do that.

Now, Helen, if that's the only negative, then maybe you should find a way to live

with it.

Well, for instance, my second husband, George, had this annoying habit of

flicking his cigar ashes wherever he happened to be.

I kept telling him, George, use an ashtray.

But he would just smile and go ahead and flick them right on the carpet.

Well, it wasn't easy.

But I got to the point where I was able to ignore that. Faye, I think this is a

little different than that.

Of course, when he died, I had him cremated.

He's using an ashtray now.

Well, I'm with Helen.

Sometimes a person just has annoying habits you can't overlook.

Now, Bunny had one.

She used to drum her fingers on the table when she would read the morning

paper. That drove me crazy.

That's what broke up our marriage.

Lowell, I thought it was because Bunny slept with other men.

Oh, right.

I'll make that two annoying habits.

You know, I suppose it would be foolish to just overlook all his good qualities

over one little quirk. Oh, I think that's very wise, dear. Big mistake. My

philosophy is if a relationship isn't good from the get-go, get going.

Whenever I have a blind date, I ask him to wait for me on the curb.

That way I can drive by, check out the goods.

I don't like what I see, I leave him in a cloud of tire dust.

Well, I understand as a child he ate a lot of paint.

Hey, boys.

Good news, Topwajijo, you can sleep in tomorrow morning.

Your neighbor and his leaf blower will not be bothering you again.

What exactly did you do?

I dry iced his ground cover, hit the trees with a high-grade chemical

defoliant, and for the icing on the cake, released locusts in his rose

garden.

Locusts? That's inventive. Hey, hey, it pays to read your Bible.

I had a couple of cherry bombs left over from last Halloween, so I took care of

that weenie little trellis on his porch, too.

Weenie little trellis? What weenie little trellis?

Not the one with the morning glories?

I don't know. They were little purple things.

Now they're toast.

Oh, no.

My neighbor doesn't have a trellis, Roy. That was my house. You blew up Antonio's

porch.

This is what I get for letting you do this. These are the fruits of revenge.

Oh, that reminds me.

Don't count on that apple tree in the front yard being a big producer this

year.

Hello. You're still here. I thought you were going out with Connor.

I am. He's on his way over.

Faye, you've got to help me. I don't want to go.

You've been out with him every night this week. I thought you two were

getting along great.

It's that laugh, Faye.

That chilling laugh.

I've tried and I've tried, but I just can't get past it. The hell with what

Joe thinks. I just can't take it anymore.

Now, look, wouldn't you solve all your problems if you just told Connor the

truth? Faye, how do you politely tell someone that they're perfect in every

way, except when they laugh? It's like a cold steel shaft being driven through my

head. Afraid it might sound petty.

Well, my grandmother used to tell me, honesty is the best policy.

Actually, she wasn't my grandmother. She was just some broad my grandfather was

shacked up with.

But the words still ring true.

Oh, God, Faye.

I guess you're right.

Hey, Helen. Hi, Connor.

Don't forget what I told you.

Ready to go?

Uh, almost.

Um, listen, can I talk to you a sec first?

Sure, what's up?

Listen, I've been trying to think of a way to tell you this for a week now, and

I know this may sound direct, but I've had

this feeling every time that I'm with you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I better stop you because I think I can see where you're going.

Look, I was going to tell you this at dinner, but now I don't think it can

wait.

Helen.

I think we should stop seeing each other.

What?

You're a terrific person.

You're everything I've been looking for in a woman, and I really tried to get

past this problem I'm having, but I can't.

It's your accent.

My accent?

You're dumping me because of my accent?

I'm sorry. It just gets on my nerves.

I'm sure a lot of people might think a southern accent is very charming.

Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

I don't believe this.

You're dumping me?

Helen, please don't say it like that. Well, that's what it is, isn't it? No,

don't say it like that. It's your drawl. It drives me nuts.

You know, I can't believe how shallow you're being.

I mean, here I am, an intelligent, fun, attractive woman, and you're just

willing to throw all that away because of...

something so insignificant?

Oh, God.

Now that the words are out of my mouth, it does sound shallow. Sure, it does.

We have had a lot of laughs.

Maybe we should get another... No, no, no, no.

You said what you meant, and, uh... Frankly, I don't think I'll ever get

over it.

No, once them bullets are out the gun... You can't suck them back in, can you?

Nah, just hang heavy over our relationship.

Like the dew on a snake's belly.

Like mud on a pig's snout. Oh, I'm sorry.

But I was right the first time. I can't listen to this. Goodbye, Helen.

Write if you feel like it, but whatever you do, don't call.

Salted. He has his nerve. I was supposed to dump him.

I thought I heard Connor out here. He's gone.

What? Didn't you two have plans? No, not anymore.

What happened? Oh, you want to know what happened? Your friend Connor came in

here and I dumped him.

Why? The laugh, Joe. The laugh.

Dad, you pegged. You were just as shallow as I thought you were. Well, go

ahead and gloat, Joe. You have every right. See, if you had listened to me in

the first place, you never would have had to go through all this. I just hope

you had the decency to let him down easy. Oh, no, don't you worry. I let him

down in that gentle, soft way we seven girls have.

I bet if you asked him, he'd probably tell you it was all his idea.

Well, at least that's something. You know, let's face it, Helen. I know you

better than you know yourself.

Oh, yeah, you do.