Original subtitles

Okay, so the hooker says to the gynecologist, my hourly rate might be

higher, but at least... Hi, Faye. Hi, Faye. Hi.

What are you fellas doing?

Brian was just telling a joke.

Oh, really? I love jokes. Go on. I don't want to. It's not really... Oh, no,

don't be silly. Go on.

But I had to remember it.

Oh, sure you do, Brian.

The hooker says to the gynecologist, my hourly rates might be higher, but...

But that's the way it goes.

She was much funnier the way I heard it.

I just got off the phone with the tower. We're still grounded. They're not

letting anyone in and out. I think you better make that announcement.

Attention, Sandpiper passengers.

The fog is still thick as pea soup out there. Although I find this weather

romantic, our pilots tell me that it makes an unplanned water landing almost

a sure thing.

All flights are postponed indefinitely.

Excuse me.

But our flight's been postponed five times already.

Are we going to get out of here today or not?

It's not looking good. I think you should check into a hotel. Let us know

where you're staying and we'll call you if there's any change. Here, let me get

you a cab. Antonio, can you give these people a ride, please?

This is so sad. All day long, you poor people.

Paying me so much money in cab fare.

Going back and forth.

Back and forth. To the hotel, to the airport. The hotel, the airport.

I love this fog.

No, Lowell, I don't want to. Come on. No, but it's utter fantasy.

It's pure speculation.

I'm just saying yes, Brian.

I'm just saying yes.

All right, all right.

If the dinosaurs were alive today, yes, I believe a brontosaurus could eat your

boat in one bite.

It was a trick question.

Everybody knows a brontosaurus was a plant eater.

So, chew on that one, college boy.

Helen, that was delicious.

Boy, do you have to do that after every meal?

Well, I'm sorry, Helen. I've got some stuff back here.

I had a tuna fish sandwich. Pork was yesterday's special.

Your point being... You were from the tower?

We're grounded indefinitely.

Yes! I'm out of here. Joe, I'll see you at home. Brian, Roy, wait. You can't

leave. I've flown my maximum hours. If this fog clears, you've got to take this

flight. All right, look. You don't understand. See?

There's this girl.

Tell me something. Why do all your stories start like that?

Well... Brothers Grimm had Once Upon a Time. I have There's This Girl.

Who do you think was happier at bedtime, huh?

Anyway, there's this girl. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You've got to

stick it out here like the rest of us.

Great. Nothing worse than being fogged in at a deserted airport.

I hate this weather.

It's too depressing.

Well, I think I know just the thing to turn those frowns upside down.

Oh, no, no, no.

I think it's time for Faze.

Foggy day fun box.

Oh, Faye.

Every time there's fog, you drag that silly box out.

Faye, I don't want to play any games. I don't want to do any puzzles.

I don't want to make a pencil holder out of an orange juice can.

Look, would you give us a little credit here? I mean, we're all intelligent,

well-read people. Can't we just sit down and have a normal, civilized

conversation? Joe, smell the bottom of my shoe.

Dibs on Mr. Potato Head.

I was thinking, dot man.

There's another way to go.

All right, all right. The plane that flies the farthest gets ten points. Five

points for any acrobatic feat. Three points for a perfect landing.

Now, anything that goes behind Roy's counter or to the left of the passenger

waiting area is out of bounds. In the event of a tie, we'll have a fly-off.

You're sucking the fun out of this game.

This is a game I thought I'd died and gone to the boring part of hell.

All right, okay, fine. Let's just go. I'll go first. You got here. Ready?

Yeah, no, well, normally there wouldn't be a do-over, but you didn't let me get

to that rule.

No, forget it. My turn.

Go ahead.

Do-over.

It's a do-over. No, no, no, not do-over. Orville and Wilbur, no do-overs. It's my

turn.

Valiant design.

Faye, no.

I think we've squeezed enough fun out of the foggy day fun box. Oh, not so far.

We still have Chinese checkers, Etch-a-Sketch.

Wildlife sticker books.

Brian, Brian, Brian.

Why don't you do that thing that you do at parties? You know, the hypnosis

thing, something, anything.

You know how to hypnotize people?

It's one of the few things I picked up in the Caribbean that I didn't have to

take penicillin for.

Madam, may I borrow your pendant? Yes. This is such a crock. You don't know how

to hypnotize people. He doesn't know how to hypnotize people. Oh, well, why don't

you just put your money where your big mouth is, or are you chicken?

All right, fine, Kreskin. You go ahead. Take your best shot.

Now, mind you, I'm only using this on women, so if Joe starts coming on to me,

don't be alarmed.

Joe, I just want you to follow the pendant back and forth.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Oh, I'm getting sleepy.

Shut up. Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Okay, now, Joe, I'm going to take you out of the spell.

When I clap my hands, you'll wake up and remember nothing, yet still cluck like a

chicken every time you hear the word tortilla.

I think I told you it wouldn't work.

Tortilla.

What?

What's the point?

Me next. Me next. Do me.

Is he under?

It's hard to tell. He always has that look on his face.

Now, what shall we have Mr. Mather do for us, hmm?

Rotate my tires.

What's funny about that?

Nothing. It's just time to have them rotate.

I know, I know. Get him to tell us his deepest, darkest secret. You can't get

people to do things against their will.

Yeah, you're probably right, Tortilla.

Tell us your deepest, most darkest secret.

Once, when I was out of underwear... Oh, God, please!

Ask him something else. Okay, okay.

Lowell, what is your fondest memory?

Once, when I was out of underwear... I think we've had about enough

fun with Lowell. Yes, I think you're right. Okay, Lowell, when I clap my

hands, you will wake up and remember nothing.

Me next, me next. Do me.

Oh, sorry. Well, you'll just have to wait your turn.

Okay, who's next?

Oh, step right up. Oh, Helen, what about you? Oh, no, no, no, no. Now, don't

waste your time, Brian.

Remember last New Year's Eve? You tried to put me under so I would do something

stupid and humiliating, and it didn't work.

Okay, Juanita, the Mexican jumping bean passes.

So, uh, who's next?

Roy?

Come on.

Come on. Okay, go ahead, Hackett, go ahead.

Give me your best shot, but I've got to warn you.

You can swing that thing till you've got arthritis.

Nobody can make a biggins do what he doesn't want to do.

Can you make me forget?

Hey, Brian, since Roy was so anxious to hear everybody else's deepest and

darkest secrets, let's find out his.

Oh, please don't. I'm disgusted enough by what he admits.

Come on, come on. How often do we admit our mercy? All right, all right, all

right. Okay, Roy.

Roy, tell us your deepest and darkest secret.

I once did a bad thing.

Hmm, sounds promising. What kind of bad thing?

Evil.

Money. Money?

What money?

I stole $250,000.

What? You stole $250,000?

Man, that's a lot of torpedoes.

for sunday dinner to my favorite restaurant ollie anderson's little taste

of oslo all you can eat for five bucks so what happened i can't believe what i

did i can't believe what i did what i filled up on salad and bread

the money roy what about the money oh i dropped a meatball and when i reached

down i found a briefcase full of cash i can't believe what i did

Don't tell me you ate the meatball.

No, I kept the money.

What happened to the meatball?

He became a mechanic at the airport.

Did you ever find out whose money it was? I read in the newspaper about some

old geezer who kept his life savings in a briefcase and left it in a Norwegian

restaurant.

It could have been him, but why jump to conclusions?

I remember reading about that poor man.

Okay, Roy, Roy, where's the money now?

I buried it in my backyard.

That means you still got it.

Roy, did you spend any of the $250,000?

Oh, I bought a couple of suits.

Okay, he's got all but 75 bucks.

Make him tell where he buried it.

All right, all right, Roy.

Where exactly did you bury the money?

Six paces straight back from the southwest corner of my house.

But I'm going to dig it up tomorrow.

The neighbors are getting nosy.

What do we do?

Let's just wake him up and get him out of here. Then we can figure something

out. All right. All right. All right. Okay, listen, Roy. Roy.

When I clap my hands, you'll wake up and not remember a thing.

What are you people looking at?

Oh, nothing, Roy.

Hey, you were right. You're one tough cookie to hypnotize, Roy. Well, I'm

sorry to kill your fun, Hackett, but I warned you.

Okay, that's it. The weather service says the fog isn't lifting. We're closed

for the night. That's all I needed to hear. I'm off to Ollie Anderson's.

For some reason, I have a taste for sardine loaf.

I think you know somebody.

Yeah. All these years, who knew he liked Norwegian food?

Perhaps we should call the police.

Oh, yeah, right. And what are we going to tell him? That under hypnosis, Roy

confessed to a major crime right after singing a medley of show tunes?

Well, look, this poor old guy lost his life savings. We have to do something

for him.

What do you suggest? We go to Roy's house, dig up his yard, and give the guy

back his money?

Well, I was going to suggest a bake sale, but... Well, if we're going to do

it, let's do it now. Because you heard him, he's going to dig up the money

tomorrow. Oh, wait, wait. You really want to do this? You want to dig up

Roy's yard?

Will you get a better idea?

Yeah, we sit Roy down and reason with him. I'm sure he'll see the error of his

ways and he'll give the guy back the money.

I've got some shovels in my trunk.

All right, all right. This is the southwest corner. I'll just start pacing

it from here, okay?

One. That's not a pace of the stride. A pace is much shorter than that. You must

also take into account their Roy's legs.

Roy's legs.

One. I'd call that mincing.

I'd call that irritating.

One,

two, three, four, five, six.

Now, I'll sing a virtual and start digging.

Okay.

Joe and Brian, you take the first shift. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who made you road, boss?

I brought the cocoa and marshmallows.

I would follow this woman to the gates of hell.

Hey, has anybody actually ever been in Roy's house?

For good.

From here I can see orange shag carpet.

Oh, on the bar, one of those little plastic boys that tinkles bourbon into

your glass.

Woo, and a picture of Emmett Kelly made entirely of macaroni still.

It's pretty nice to be rich.

No, no, no, no, I got it, I got it.

Noah's Ark, below deck, 39th day at sea.

That's a smelly moment.

No, but what we're looking for is the smelliest moment in history.

For example, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, middle of

summer, 100 guys in a room, windows shut, wearing powdered wigs and heavy

velvet suits, and Ben Franklin asks, whose cheese is this?

Here's one. Here's one.

The bubonic plague.

High noon and throw out your dead day.

I can't believe we've been digging this long and still haven't found that money.

I think I found something.

Just another stupid card.

I can't believe it. All the stuff Roy's got buried back here. Dead car

batteries, spray paint cans, varnish, pesticides.

This looks like Roy's love canal.

Doesn't he know there are places to dispose of these things?

Apparently toys for Tops caught on to his little scam.

Well, okay, everybody. The marshmallows are just about melted in the hot

chocolate. The marshmallows are already in there?

What have we been eating?

Oh, my goodness, Lola, you've been eating toadstools.

You must have picked them up when you dropped the bag of marshmallows.

I didn't think that marshmallows had stems.

However, that would explain the wild hallucinations I've been having for the

last half hour.

Well, how could you do something like that?

I don't believe people with antlers have the right to criticize.

What is this?

Ooh, it's a hot tub. How about that? Roy's putting in a hot tub.

I wonder where he's going to put it.

As near as I can tell from these plans.

Roughly about six paces from the southwest corner of his house.

Well, we sure put a crimp in his plans. We just dug a great big hole right

there.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we've been had.

I'm confused.

You think you're confused?

Check out the look on that giant frog.

Roy wasn't hypnotized. He faked the whole thing to get us to dig this hole

for his stupid hot tub.

But he did that silly little dance in the terminal.

Yeah, small price to pay to get out of digging for the weekend.

He set us up.

I can't believe we've been freezing our maracas off so Roy can soak his in hot

water.

We've got to do something to get him back.

I think it's time to call my uncle Pasquale.

They call him the plumber.

He's a hitman?

No, he's a plumber.

He hooked this thing up.

Charge Roy an arm and a leg.

Somebody give me a hand over here.

I just dropped all my fingers.

It's close enough.

Oh, hi, guys.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, we know about the hot tub, mister.

It's a pretty good trick, huh?

Ooh, I'm hypnotized.

You really got us good that time. I sure did.

But just to show you guys there's no hard feelings, anytime you're in the

mood for a nice, relaxing hot tub, you can go blow bubbles in your bathwater.

I'm going to tell you guys, digging that dirt out was sweet enough for you to

haul it away.

That was above and beyond the call of duty.

Well, Roy, might want to consider running the vacuum a little more often.