All language subtitles for Office Joe s01e06 Burn the Boats.eng

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,420 --> 00:00:03,980 You all should have this on your desks. 2 00:00:06,298 --> 00:00:09,069 I can pull out the pen whenever I need to, but it holds it all in place. 3 00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:11,321 - [Jocelyn] That's so stupid. - [Rafael] It's not stupid. 4 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,115 You just didn't think about it the way you should have. 5 00:00:13,139 --> 00:00:14,282 [Jocelyn] Why would I need that? 6 00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:16,576 [Rafael] Everybody needs this sort of thing in their desk. 7 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,810 I think everybody needs to... 8 00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:19,811 [Jocelyn] Carter? 9 00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:23,023 Carter. 10 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:26,235 I haven't heard that name in a long time. 11 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:28,320 What the hell happened to you? 12 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,032 I'm not the same anymore, Joe. 13 00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:35,619 The military has left an indelible mark on my soul, 14 00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:39,415 but alas, it's time for me to leave the battlefield and return home. 15 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:43,586 I only hope I can find some peace here. 16 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,088 You understand. 17 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:56,599 Carter was in the military for 53 hours, 27 minutes, and... 18 00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:58,934 12 seconds. 19 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,811 He fell off the back of a 5-ton truck, 20 00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:02,897 broke his leg and cracked a few vertebrae. 21 00:01:03,189 --> 00:01:06,150 I mean, if he had just washed out, he'd have no veteran status. 22 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:10,154 But because he technically hurt himself on a military exercise, 23 00:01:10,446 --> 00:01:11,655 he was medically retired. 24 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:16,202 Not only is he a disabled veteran, the dude's actually gonna draw a pension. 25 00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:19,955 What? I don't even have a pension. 26 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,373 [theme music playing] 27 00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:18,806 Guys, y'all have got to see the video that Chaz made. 28 00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:22,476 He crushed it like a homemade submarine visiting the Titanic. 29 00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:23,768 - [mimics explosion] - Oh! 30 00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:25,437 What the hell, Joe? 31 00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:27,314 No, I mean, he's right. 32 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:30,234 That's 400 atmospheres of pressure. 33 00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,111 What? No, no, I mean... 34 00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:35,114 [scoffs] Never mind. What's the video about? 35 00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:38,701 So, I served with a dude named Josh Smith. 36 00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:41,579 Josh served with a dude named Casey Maxted. 37 00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:45,207 Casey Maxted owns a spirit brand called Cold Zero. 38 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,544 All right, Josh hooked us up. Casey agreed to let us pitch. 39 00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:51,130 Chaz made the video for it. 40 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:54,049 - Oh, that's actually really cool, man. - [Jocelyn] Yeah, it is. 41 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,341 Cool. 42 00:02:56,594 --> 00:02:59,263 That's what they call me now and then. Hey... 43 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:01,765 I guess that sets the record straight. 44 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,978 I'm finally one of them, America. 45 00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:08,397 - When's the pitch? - [Joe] It's later today. 46 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,357 Wish Chazzy boy and me some luck. 47 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:11,649 Yeah. 48 00:03:12,151 --> 00:03:13,652 Listen up, everybody. 49 00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:16,363 Get ready to be on that naughty list 50 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:19,950 because the theme of this year's Christmas party is: 51 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,578 - Ho, ho, ho! - [all chuckling] 52 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:27,166 Yeah, that's because your mom, your mom, your mom was taken. 53 00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:28,500 Am I right? 54 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,294 We're not on that level, Chaz. 55 00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:33,589 And after that comment, we will never be. 56 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:43,224 Well, America... I'm back to being me. 57 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,602 Hey... Ho, ho, ho? 58 00:03:47,353 --> 00:03:49,021 A little risqu� for Karen, huh? 59 00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:52,066 Karen is good 364 days of the year, 60 00:03:52,358 --> 00:03:56,779 but when it comes to the holiday party, she can be very, very bad. 61 00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:58,751 I'm actually glad you brought that up, Joe, 62 00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:01,628 because I personally have a real problem putting a moral equivalence 63 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,119 to the number of partners a woman has had, all right? 64 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,389 I think they should be able to do whatever they want. 65 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,433 - [dramatic music playing] - And quite honestly... What is he...? 66 00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:11,877 As a veteran, I don't really care about that, Rafael. 67 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:16,548 What I do care about is all those soldiers that won't be home for the holidays. 68 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,801 My brothers and sisters-in-arms. 69 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,845 I only wish I could be there with them. 70 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:26,809 There are two things that make this place bearable: 71 00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:30,938 Diet Dr. Pepper and Karen's Christmas parties. 72 00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:34,775 That woman takes it to a whole new level. 73 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,528 [Jocelyn] You bringing anyone to the party, Joe? 74 00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:41,240 - Should I be? - Sure. I mean, I'm bringing my partner. 75 00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:43,784 Ashleigh-Mareigh is bringing Michael. 76 00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:46,287 And I think even Chaz has a date. 77 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:47,788 Michael, huh? 78 00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,374 Any reason she shouldn't? 79 00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,960 Oh, no, no. Michael's a good dude. He's awesome. 80 00:04:53,252 --> 00:04:54,420 Yeah, I don't believe you. 81 00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:56,755 You don't believe me? Have I ever lied to you? 82 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:59,466 - Um... - Ah! Don't answer. No, I'm good. 83 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,927 - Uh-huh. You like her. - Yeah. 84 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,345 - What? - Mm-hm. 85 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:04,805 That's nonsense. No. 86 00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:08,309 - Uh-huh. You wish she was with you! - You lie. It's lies. It's all lies. 87 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:09,600 Mm-hm. 88 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:12,271 [Ashleigh screaming] 89 00:05:13,731 --> 00:05:15,107 [screaming] 90 00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:23,032 Oh, my God, Joe! You scared me. 91 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:24,742 - I scared you? - Yeah. 92 00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:27,202 I heard you screaming. Are you okay? 93 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,706 Of course I am, silly. I'm just filming a scream talk. 94 00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,416 - What? - A scream talk. 95 00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:35,002 It's this new trend where you pretend to be scared, 96 00:05:35,294 --> 00:05:37,379 and you scream, and then you post it. 97 00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:39,774 Hey, how about you give us a heads up next time 98 00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:42,193 before you do some stuff like this? You scared the hell out of me. 99 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:44,303 I thought you were being attacked or something. 100 00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:47,973 What were you going to do if I was? I think I won the first fight. 101 00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:49,975 Yeah, I guess you're right. Um... 102 00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,747 You know what? You don't need my help. 103 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,479 - Sorry for bothering you. - Joe! 104 00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:54,855 What's wrong? 105 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,485 Kevin! How are you? 106 00:05:59,777 --> 00:06:01,695 I was gonna ask you the same question. 107 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:04,073 Ashleigh-Mareigh said that you wanted to talk to me. 108 00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:05,908 I wanted to thank you. 109 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,200 For what? 110 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:11,121 Well, fixing the headlight on my car. I saw you out there during lunch. 111 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:12,873 It was really no big deal. 112 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,085 And mowing my lawn when I was out of town. 113 00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:18,295 Fixing my computer when it crashed. 114 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,298 You know, those things don't fix themselves. 115 00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,725 You do so much for everyone else around here. 116 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:25,446 I just wanted to do something for you. 117 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:26,887 [crowd shouting in distance] 118 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,898 [Victoria] Huh. I wonder what that's all about. 119 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:35,479 Hey. 120 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:37,940 I'm sorry I got a little spicy in there, all right? 121 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:39,775 It's my fault, I was out of line. 122 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,694 [Ashleigh] I appreciate that. I'm sorry if I offended you. 123 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:44,988 You didn't offend me. Seriously, it's all good. 124 00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,826 Guys, what's going on out there? 125 00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:55,124 I don't know. Let me check my... Where's my phone? 126 00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:56,500 Somebody call me. 127 00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:59,437 - Let's just go out there and check it out. - Call me! 128 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:03,048 [crowd chanting] Hell no, Joe must go! Hell no, Joe must go! 129 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,593 Hell no, Joe must go! 130 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,512 Hell no, Joe must go! 131 00:07:08,804 --> 00:07:10,364 - Hell no, Joe must go! - [Stewart] Boo! 132 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:12,826 - [crowd] Hell no, Joe must go! - [Stewart] Where's Karen? 133 00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:14,435 [crowd] Hell no, Joe must go! 134 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:16,311 Hell no, Joe must go! 135 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,439 - There's Joe! - [Lucius] Go, get him! Yeah! 136 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,315 Yeah! Yeah! 137 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,943 [crowd] Hell no, Joe must go! 138 00:07:23,235 --> 00:07:24,987 Hell no, Joe must go! 139 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:26,822 Hell no, Joe must go! 140 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,866 Hell no, Joe must go! 141 00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:30,909 [Stewart] Get back here, Joe! 142 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:34,204 I gotta be honest, I'm not even sure what everybody was pissed about. 143 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:41,378 Apparently Joe did something, so I grabbed my emergency bullhorn and I got involved. 144 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:48,218 That's what neighbors who care about their communities do. 145 00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,011 [clicks tongue] 146 00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:51,305 [crowd chanting continues] 147 00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:52,837 Joe Hauser, I'm Officer Tansey, 148 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:55,309 and right now, your life is in real, imminent danger. 149 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,481 My life? I think you have me confused with someone else. I'm nobody, sir. 150 00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:01,440 Nobody? You were nobody until that little performance 151 00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:02,892 this morning on social media. 152 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:04,627 It's landed you in the middle of World War I. 153 00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,694 My performance? 154 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,697 Oh, my God, Joe. I am so, so sorry. 155 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,032 [Joe] What happened? 156 00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:13,118 I'll tell you what's happened. You interrupted this young lady 157 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:15,287 when she was in the middle of scream-talking. 158 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:18,081 You demeaned her by assuming that she needed your protection. 159 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,125 I heard a scream. What am I supposed to do? 160 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,895 - [groans] - What are you supposed to do? 161 00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:25,672 How about not making her ask you permission to do her job? 162 00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:26,964 How about that? 163 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,999 And furthermore, when she tried to make a joke about it, 164 00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:32,363 - you stormed off in a hissy fit. - [Joe] I was worried about her. 165 00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,139 Typical patriarch bullshit. 166 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:36,159 I'm worried about her. What do you want me to do? 167 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,435 - Tell it to the court, pal. - What court? 168 00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:40,145 The court of public opinion. 169 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,980 Oh, snap. 170 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:44,312 - [crowd chanting continues] - This is unacceptable. 171 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:47,819 Clients are calling asking if you work here. 172 00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:50,489 There's an angry mob outside. 173 00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:55,160 How are we going to fix this? 174 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,662 This is all my fault. 175 00:08:56,954 --> 00:09:00,374 I completely forgot I was even recording. But I've been defending Joe. 176 00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,626 I've been telling everyone what a great guy he is. 177 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,074 I've made seven posts about all of his amazing qualities. 178 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,297 - You did? Is it helping? - No. 179 00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,805 They're saying that I'm rationalizing the abuse 180 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,677 and that I have Stockholm syndrome. 181 00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,596 Oh, why is this happening? 182 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,558 It's okay, Joe. It's gonna be okay. 183 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,936 Thank you, Ashleigh. You may go. 184 00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:24,523 Joe, I have some things I'd like to discuss with you first. 185 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,692 Close the door, please. 186 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,779 - [door closes] - [Joe] Am I gonna lose my job? 187 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,782 I think I can save it, Joe. 188 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,493 But... [sighs] 189 00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:40,539 you've been a very bad boy, Joe. 190 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,876 And I think you're gonna have to be punished. 191 00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:49,881 This is nuts. 192 00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,693 Do these people not have anything better to do with their lives? 193 00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:56,972 You know, second L of leadership is "love." 194 00:09:57,264 --> 00:10:01,184 - [Rafael whimpering] - And I choose to love this situation. 195 00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,645 - How are we gonna get home? - I'm not staying here. 196 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,815 These people cannot keep me here. I got Christmas shopping to do. 197 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,984 - [Carter] I can't go out there. - Why not? 198 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,861 I don't do well in crowds. 199 00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:14,823 Crowds and fireworks trigger my post-traumatic stress. 200 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,825 - [Rafael] Oh... - [Ashleigh] Oh, my God. 201 00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:19,911 - Oh, my God. - What is it? What is it? What is it? 202 00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:21,955 [Ashleigh squealing] 203 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,583 Barbara Shreveport, Channel 4 News. 204 00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:27,127 I'm here with Lucius Blackwood from Fuel, 205 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:31,882 and Stuart Endicott McCracken III, former associates of Gasoline Dog, 206 00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:35,927 the company that employs Joe Hauser, the poster boy for toxic masculinity, 207 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:40,057 and the man who has set the small town of Chapel Hill abuzz with protests. 208 00:10:40,349 --> 00:10:41,725 Lucius, tell us your story. 209 00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,435 Well, Barbara, believe it or not, 210 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:46,480 I used to be business partners with the CEO of Gasoline Dog. 211 00:10:46,772 --> 00:10:50,192 But, you know, I had visions of something greater. 212 00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:53,070 And you know what my former business partner, Karen, said? 213 00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,821 I can only imagine. 214 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:58,533 She said that my idea was stupid and that people wouldn't like it. 215 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,370 That must have been very hard for you. 216 00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,582 Very hard. It took me years to get over the pain. 217 00:11:03,789 --> 00:11:07,417 Why would a woman like that hire a man like Joe Hauser? 218 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,920 I'll tell you why. It's because they're bullies, okay? 219 00:11:10,212 --> 00:11:11,421 It's their way or the highway. 220 00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,549 And if anybody pushes back, they get attacked. 221 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,593 It sounds like hell on earth. 222 00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:20,764 It really was. I lost my entire business. I had to start over from scratch. 223 00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:24,559 I used to be the best account manager. Now I'm on the streets. 224 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,811 And do you know what they did after they fired me? 225 00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,397 I shudder to think about it. 226 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,774 Joe cornered me in a bar. 227 00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,694 [sobbing] And he hit me! He hit me! 228 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,571 Oh, I'm so sorry, brother. I'm so sorry. 229 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,223 - [kissing] Okay, get out. - Well, there you have it, folks. 230 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:42,577 It seems Joe Hauser isn't the only thing rotten at Gasoline Dog. 231 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,914 It may seem like a cute little media company from the outside, 232 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,417 but from the inside, it's a festering sore, 233 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:49,835 oozing poor leadership. 234 00:11:50,127 --> 00:11:54,172 And that leadership stems from their CEO, Karen Underhill. 235 00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,717 - Oh, my God. - [Ashleigh sobbing] 236 00:11:57,718 --> 00:11:59,302 Barbara, how could you? 237 00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:06,977 Porridge and biscuits! That's it! 238 00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:08,812 I'm going out there! 239 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,940 - [Jocelyn] Karen... - Oh, gosh, she's so brave. 240 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,817 - [crowd clamoring] - [laughing] 241 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,199 Bad leader, huh? I'll show you a bad leader. 242 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,410 You made a poop app, and you got rich. 243 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:24,786 So, what's your problem? 244 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:28,165 And you, you little weasel, you are the worst human being, 245 00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:30,584 and I'm embarrassed you're my nephew. 246 00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:32,627 She's your aunt? 247 00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:37,883 This is the part that hurts the most. It's like a sting. It's like a wet sting. 248 00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:40,218 You poor, poor man. 249 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:46,850 Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero. 250 00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:50,937 [crowd chanting] Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero. 251 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:54,357 Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero. 252 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:58,612 - Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero. - [shouting] Back up! Ah! 253 00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:01,865 - Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero. - Back up! Back up! Back up, I said! 254 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:04,701 [screaming] 255 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,163 [crowd stops shouting] 256 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,165 [yelling] I'm a veteran! 257 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,917 I'm a veteran! 258 00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:13,293 [barking] 259 00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:18,423 [crowd continues shouting, chanting] 260 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,180 [Ashleigh] Carter, that was actually really brave. 261 00:13:26,223 --> 00:13:27,891 When I took the oath of enlistment, 262 00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:30,977 I swore to defend the Constitution of the United States 263 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:35,524 against all enemies, foreign and domestic. 264 00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:37,234 Okay, that's super. 265 00:13:37,526 --> 00:13:39,528 [crowd chanting] Hell no, Joe must go! 266 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,030 - You okay, Karen? - Yeah, I'm okay. 267 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:46,451 I just need to sit down for a minute, maybe a cup of tea. 268 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:50,664 Guys, what are we gonna do? This has gotten out of control. 269 00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:53,166 I don't know how to tell you guys this, but... 270 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,419 - It's happened. - What? 271 00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,421 We've been canceled. 272 00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,006 [sobbing] Oh, my God. 273 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:06,429 I gotta... 274 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:12,727 - It's not okay. It is not. Oh, God! - You got it. 275 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,646 - Fight it. - [Ashleigh] Why? 276 00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:16,898 Why, God, why? 277 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,236 - [knocking on door] - Knock, knock. 278 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,528 [Karen] Oh, my goodness! 279 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,948 - Hey, how are you? - Hey, take a seat. 280 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,240 Thank you. 281 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,129 Mayor Flakes, thank you so much for coming. 282 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:29,804 - This is crazy out here. - It's insane. 283 00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,597 - I don't know what's going on. - How did you get through? 284 00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,224 - Oh, I snuck around the back. - Oh, good thinking. 285 00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:34,392 Came through the sewer system. 286 00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:36,042 Is there anything you can do? 287 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,169 Karen, you've supported me for a long time. 288 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:42,424 You supported me on my campaign trail, and now it's my chance to support you. 289 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:46,344 The good people of Chapel Hill will listen to reason. 290 00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,014 Oh, thank you so much, Cornelius. 291 00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:51,850 You are a godsend. I know you're gonna do this. 292 00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,145 - Mayor Flakes is coming over. - [crowd continues shouting] 293 00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:56,437 Roll camera. 294 00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:59,816 Boomer Flakes! 295 00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,945 I'm here with Mayor Cornelius Flakes of Chapel Hill. 296 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,866 Mayor, can you tell us a little bit about what we're seeing here today? 297 00:15:08,158 --> 00:15:10,452 I'd love to. Listen up, people. 298 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,288 I've known Karen Underhill for a very, very long time. 299 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,165 In the time that I've known Karen, 300 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:18,835 she's not only proven herself to be a good person, a good leader, 301 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:22,672 she's proven herself to be all of those things with integrity, 302 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:24,007 with honor. 303 00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:28,845 And I'll tell you, when the going gets tough, 304 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:30,555 Karen's always there. 305 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,642 Regardless of the boos, when the going gets tough, 306 00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,810 Karen is always there. 307 00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:40,732 You suck, Mayor Flakes! Nobody likes you. I don't even like you. You suck, bro. 308 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:42,692 Well, uh... [clears throat] 309 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:47,906 Well, that's why I was so shocked. 310 00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:52,535 That's why I was shocked to learn that it's all been a lie. 311 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:53,870 [crowd cheering] 312 00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:59,000 Everything around Gasoline Dog is a lie, to include Karen. 313 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,544 I peeked in the window and I saw their org chart. 314 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:05,715 I saw it on the wall and it was shaped like a cactus. 315 00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:09,594 Which makes sense because they're all a bunch of pricks. 316 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,806 And I apologize to the people of Chapel Hill 317 00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:16,393 for just having to live so damn close to these Dogs. 318 00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,687 We can't have it. We're done. 319 00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:21,314 We're done with Gasoline Dog. We're done with Karen. 320 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:24,484 And we're gonna change that org chart. We're gonna get it right. 321 00:16:24,776 --> 00:16:27,696 And I apologize, but I gotta pee. 322 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,158 Well, there you have it. 323 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:36,079 That's the latest from Gasoline Dog and Mayor Cornelius Flakes. 324 00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:39,332 I'm Barbara Shreveport. Back to you in the studio. 325 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:43,962 [crowd chanting] Joe must go! Joe must go! Joe must go! 326 00:16:44,254 --> 00:16:45,255 Burn that ho! 327 00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:48,675 [crowd cheering] 328 00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:53,013 [man] Burn it! Burn it! 329 00:16:57,976 --> 00:16:59,769 Et tu, Cornelius. 330 00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:02,980 Et tu. 331 00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:14,617 And that's the latest from Gasoline Dog. Back to you in the studio. 332 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:18,079 [exhales] You all right? 333 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,373 Oh, my God. Man, this doesn't feel right. 334 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,518 - What do you think happened? - I saw the footage. 335 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,502 It was a big nothing-burger. Who cares? 336 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:27,672 If Lucius stops suddenly, Stewie will be so far up his ass, 337 00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:30,675 - there'll be just two feet sticking out. - [both laughing] 338 00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:33,094 No wonder he got fired. 339 00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:37,015 Well, but you know that Joe guy? 340 00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,476 He's pretty cute, though. What do you think? 341 00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:41,686 You thinking what I'm thinking? 342 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:43,772 Oh, God. 343 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,900 You, me, Pensacola Air Show... 344 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,860 [both] 2017. 345 00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:51,112 The Blue Angels! 346 00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:53,990 - Oh, my God. Yes, ma'am. - Oh, my God. 347 00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:56,076 - With the thing... - Yes, ma'am. 348 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,927 - What happens in Pensacola? - [cameraman] Wait, did you say cut? 349 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:01,206 Obviously doesn't stay in Pensacola. 350 00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:03,373 [Barbara] Cut. 351 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:09,839 [crowd chanting] Joe must go! Joe must go! Joe must go! 352 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:14,344 Joe must go! Joe must go! Joe must go! 353 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,597 It's a protest. 354 00:18:17,889 --> 00:18:19,849 I just can't help myself. 355 00:18:23,895 --> 00:18:25,230 Hey Joe, how's it going? 356 00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:27,816 Sir, I'm in kind of a bind. 357 00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,442 [chuckles] You think? 358 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:30,734 You know? 359 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:33,822 Joe, everyone knows. 360 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:35,532 Sir, I didn't even do anything, 361 00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:37,700 and now I'm dragging my whole company down. 362 00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,952 I'm trying to figure out how to make everyone see, 363 00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,956 but the more I try, the worse it gets. 364 00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:45,083 - Stop trying. - Huh? 365 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,793 Stop trying. 366 00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:50,505 These people are not rational creatures. Look out your window. 367 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:53,091 If you give these people an ounce of flesh, 368 00:18:53,383 --> 00:18:54,968 they're gonna come for a pound. 369 00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:57,679 Then what do I do, sir? I let everyone down. 370 00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,305 You mind your own business. 371 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:03,893 You control what you can control, and don't worry about anything else. 372 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,397 - What if they come at me? - Then you do what you did in Mosul. 373 00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:10,567 You walk right into the belly of the beast and you fight. 374 00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:12,402 You give them no quarter. 375 00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:13,987 Roger, sir. 376 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,030 Joe, I hate to even ask this, 377 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:19,993 but given your history of misinterpreting what I say, 378 00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:21,661 I want to be super, super clear. 379 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:24,581 Don't literally go and shoot the crowd. 380 00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:26,624 You know that, right? 381 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:27,959 Roger, sir. 382 00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:29,627 Take care of yourself, Joe. 383 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:33,381 Fight the fight. And you know, merry Christmas. 384 00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,633 - [call disconnects] - [sighs] 385 00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:40,597 - Can I talk now? - Yes, you may. 386 00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,473 Fire up that video conference. 387 00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:44,434 We're about to pitch Cold Zero. 388 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:49,022 Did you...? Did you change while you were under there? 389 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:56,070 ? I don't know why I left ? 390 00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,741 ? But I know that I done wrong ? 391 00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:03,578 ? And it won't be long ? 392 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:07,415 ? Till I get on back home ? 393 00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:10,960 I miss my squad. 394 00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:14,130 You were in the military for like two days. 395 00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:17,425 You wouldn't understand. Those bonds are unbreakable. 396 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:18,968 What are we gonna do, guys? 397 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,262 I mean, the crowd out there is unruly, 398 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,891 and Stewie and Lucius are literally calling for our heads. 399 00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:27,936 You know, we're going to be just fine. 400 00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:32,273 The first L of leadership is "to live," and we're gonna live through this. 401 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,005 I don't know if we're gonna do that, 402 00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,319 because Lucius just launched an app tonight 403 00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:41,157 using the same technology as his shithead app, and he called it Nazify. 404 00:20:41,449 --> 00:20:44,077 He made all of us Hitler. 405 00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:49,123 You know, I did not see that coming. 406 00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,459 [Carter] ? Back home, back home... ? 407 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,169 For fuck's sake, Carter! 408 00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:54,754 [dramatic music playing] 409 00:21:35,086 --> 00:21:36,170 [jazz music playing] 410 00:21:45,263 --> 00:21:47,765 Cold Zero. It's your first shot. 411 00:21:52,687 --> 00:21:56,316 Guys, I don't know what to say. This is amazing. 412 00:21:56,607 --> 00:21:58,419 - [crowd shouting continues] - Casey, we think we can make 413 00:21:58,443 --> 00:21:59,670 a real difference here. All right? 414 00:21:59,694 --> 00:22:01,134 You already have an amazing product, 415 00:22:01,362 --> 00:22:04,115 and our job is just to help take it to the next level. 416 00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:05,825 And I think I believe you. 417 00:22:06,117 --> 00:22:08,911 So why don't we start out with a six-month contract? 418 00:22:09,203 --> 00:22:12,165 And if you do what I know you can do, we'll make it two years. 419 00:22:12,457 --> 00:22:13,916 You won't be disappointed. 420 00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:18,755 Is there something else, man? Everything good? 421 00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:21,257 Yeah... 422 00:22:22,675 --> 00:22:25,011 In the spirit of full transparency, 423 00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:29,599 we're not exactly the most popular company in town right now. 424 00:22:29,891 --> 00:22:32,018 Uh, if I'm being honest, 425 00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:35,396 there's a literal angry mob outside our office 426 00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:38,149 that wants to kill me in particular 427 00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:41,361 and probably burn my boss at the stake. 428 00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,447 Hey, bro. I know that. You don't even have to tell me. 429 00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:48,493 You're so viral, it's not even funny. But I do appreciate you telling me. 430 00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,913 That's not stopping you from working with us? 431 00:22:52,205 --> 00:22:53,205 Hell no, man. 432 00:22:53,456 --> 00:22:55,750 We're Green Berets. We're used to the mob. 433 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:58,419 In fact, let's announce our partnership. 434 00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:00,591 I'll send you my live-streaming credentials now. 435 00:23:00,838 --> 00:23:03,257 - Awesome. - All right. Thank you. 436 00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:05,551 [crowd shouting] 437 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:11,933 Well, Joe, I don't know how you did it, but thank you so much. 438 00:23:12,225 --> 00:23:14,185 Hey, it was all Chazzy boy here. 439 00:23:14,477 --> 00:23:15,871 - I just connected the dots. - Oh, you guys. 440 00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,775 Okay, well, thank you both. You did a great job. 441 00:23:17,939 --> 00:23:19,273 [Chaz] Thank you. Yeah. 442 00:23:20,316 --> 00:23:21,609 - Ah. - Aw! 443 00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:24,756 - You crushed it. Seriously, great job. - You too, man. Thanks. 444 00:23:25,405 --> 00:23:27,323 - Hey, stranger. - Oh, hey, Ash. 445 00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,375 I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay. 446 00:23:29,409 --> 00:23:33,496 It's probably hard to see that many Hitler versions of yourself. 447 00:23:33,788 --> 00:23:35,998 - Oh, you haven't seen the new update. - What update? 448 00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:40,211 Oh, for $1.99 extra, you can get Stalinized with Nazify. 449 00:23:40,503 --> 00:23:42,880 [in Russian accent] In Mother Russia, we don't get canceled. 450 00:23:43,172 --> 00:23:44,757 We cancel our enemies. 451 00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:46,609 [in normal voice] Such a bad impression. 452 00:23:46,676 --> 00:23:48,094 That's like Malkovich in Rounders. 453 00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:50,066 Well, I just want to make sure you're okay. 454 00:23:50,138 --> 00:23:52,140 Well, I am a little better now that you're here. 455 00:23:52,432 --> 00:23:54,809 - Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls. - No. 456 00:23:55,101 --> 00:23:56,954 - [Ashleigh] Yeah. - [Joe] No, I never said it before. 457 00:23:56,978 --> 00:24:00,148 - Ever. Not once. - [laughing] Right, right, right. 458 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,317 [Kevin] Two of the four Mount Rushmores of attraction. 459 00:24:03,609 --> 00:24:04,609 Two of the what? 460 00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:06,612 Come here, my son. 461 00:24:10,032 --> 00:24:12,160 Ashleigh-Mareigh just exhibited 462 00:24:12,452 --> 00:24:15,413 two of the four Mount Rushmore's of attractions to you. 463 00:24:15,705 --> 00:24:17,081 Okay, explain. 464 00:24:17,373 --> 00:24:21,210 One, she walks up to you and says, "Hey, stranger." 465 00:24:21,502 --> 00:24:23,212 Now, many variations exist. 466 00:24:23,504 --> 00:24:26,007 Rachel a la Friends: "Hey, you." 467 00:24:26,299 --> 00:24:28,718 - Waitress: "Hey, handsome." - Mm. 468 00:24:29,010 --> 00:24:31,804 Charlie from Top Gun: "Hey, stud." 469 00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:34,056 Okay, that's good. 470 00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:37,727 Two: "I bet you say that to all the girls." 471 00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:40,855 Now, this is an overt test. 472 00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:45,902 She's literally asking you to tell her that you don't, even if you do. 473 00:24:46,194 --> 00:24:47,612 This is real wisdom. 474 00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:51,032 Three: "You disappeared." 475 00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:53,534 This always happens at a bar or a party. 476 00:24:53,826 --> 00:24:58,789 She's literally telling you she wants you in her eyeline at all times. 477 00:24:59,081 --> 00:25:00,583 This is unbelievable. 478 00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:02,001 Four. 479 00:25:02,585 --> 00:25:06,297 "Stop it." And a light punch, usually to the shoulder. 480 00:25:07,131 --> 00:25:10,134 But this is really important. 481 00:25:11,219 --> 00:25:14,222 Adorable look on her face. A love tap. 482 00:25:14,514 --> 00:25:15,514 - Good. - Good. 483 00:25:15,598 --> 00:25:18,643 Scowl. Frown. A real shove or push. 484 00:25:19,393 --> 00:25:20,393 - Bad. - Bad. 485 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:21,520 Okay, bad. 486 00:25:22,063 --> 00:25:25,691 All right, so you're telling me if all four of those are in place, 487 00:25:25,983 --> 00:25:27,318 then it's go time. 488 00:25:27,610 --> 00:25:28,610 No. 489 00:25:28,736 --> 00:25:34,450 I'm telling you, nine times out of ten, if one is in place, it is. 490 00:25:35,117 --> 00:25:39,247 All four, the only thing stopping you is the Holy Ghost, 491 00:25:39,539 --> 00:25:41,582 if you're Catholic or a love of dudes. 492 00:25:42,750 --> 00:25:45,503 You literally just blew my mind right now. 493 00:25:45,795 --> 00:25:46,795 I know. 494 00:25:50,508 --> 00:25:52,176 It's such a big deal. 495 00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:53,553 Karen, Victoria. 496 00:25:53,844 --> 00:25:56,013 - Oh, thank you, Kevin. - Thank you. 497 00:25:58,558 --> 00:26:01,227 That's a gentleman right there. Chivalry's not dead. 498 00:26:01,852 --> 00:26:03,271 We're ready. 499 00:26:03,563 --> 00:26:05,606 Hey, look, why don't you take this one? 500 00:26:05,898 --> 00:26:07,751 I don't think people wanna hear from me right now. 501 00:26:07,775 --> 00:26:10,111 Stop it. Anyone worth having around does. 502 00:26:10,403 --> 00:26:12,863 I appreciate that. This is your show. You got it. 503 00:26:13,155 --> 00:26:15,950 - All right, fine. Just this once. - [Joe] I got you next time. 504 00:26:16,242 --> 00:26:18,411 Okay, sounds good. Guys, we're gonna go live. 505 00:26:18,703 --> 00:26:19,870 All right. 506 00:26:21,414 --> 00:26:23,040 Hey, everybody, it's Ashleigh-Mareigh. 507 00:26:23,332 --> 00:26:25,376 I'm here live at Gasoline Dog Media. 508 00:26:25,668 --> 00:26:29,171 I am so excited to show you the newest Cold Zero commercial. 509 00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:30,673 Hey! Let me show you something! 510 00:26:30,965 --> 00:26:32,717 - Check this out! - [people screaming] 511 00:26:33,009 --> 00:26:34,051 [gunshots] 512 00:26:35,595 --> 00:26:37,888 - [loud ringing] - [heartbeat thumping] 513 00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:46,397 Seventeen consecutive dick shots. 514 00:26:46,689 --> 00:26:49,442 I haven't seen work like that since I was in Southeast Raleigh. 515 00:26:49,734 --> 00:26:51,819 I hear you. It's a tight shot group, too. 516 00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:54,488 Uh, for the record, those aren't my cuffs. 517 00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:56,866 - Hmm? - They're mine. 518 00:26:58,159 --> 00:26:59,452 They're my spares. 519 00:27:01,162 --> 00:27:02,663 And I want them back. 520 00:27:06,042 --> 00:27:07,543 I'm innocent, I tell you! 521 00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:09,337 - [EMT] Yeah. - You will rue the day! 522 00:27:09,629 --> 00:27:10,949 [yelling] You'll all rue the day! 523 00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:13,924 [EMT] Be extra good. That's a lot better. 524 00:27:14,216 --> 00:27:15,551 All right, Bill. Shave him. 525 00:27:15,843 --> 00:27:17,970 - Shave him? - Yeah, shave him. Go ahead. 526 00:27:18,804 --> 00:27:19,804 Why? 527 00:27:20,806 --> 00:27:23,976 Because you are the probie, and I am not the probie, 528 00:27:24,268 --> 00:27:26,580 which means when someone needs to be shaved, it's gonna be you. 529 00:27:26,604 --> 00:27:28,364 All right, go ahead. Head, face, body, balls. 530 00:27:28,522 --> 00:27:29,522 Half ball. 531 00:27:29,649 --> 00:27:32,009 Whatever he's got going on, just shave it. Clean, all right? 532 00:27:32,234 --> 00:27:33,670 Good. Take him out to the ambulance. 533 00:27:33,694 --> 00:27:35,613 - Can I get a hand? - That's a negative, probie. 534 00:27:35,905 --> 00:27:37,156 Adapt and overcome. 535 00:27:50,211 --> 00:27:53,631 - You guys are really lucky Joe was here. - Oh, my God, I know. 536 00:27:53,923 --> 00:27:58,219 So, the, you know, southern necessities, like, is that gone? 537 00:27:58,511 --> 00:28:00,930 - Like, what is...? No? - It's not looking good. 538 00:28:01,222 --> 00:28:03,015 No, it's pretty beat up. 539 00:28:03,307 --> 00:28:06,727 I mean, well, the good news is it's pretty leveled out to build up upon. 540 00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:10,147 You can put him on the transplant list. Maybe from a pig or a horse. 541 00:28:10,439 --> 00:28:12,000 They do a lot of crazy stuff these days. 542 00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:12,733 - Really? - Yeah. 543 00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:15,695 It's mainly for cosmetic reasons, but, you know, it's something. 544 00:28:16,445 --> 00:28:20,324 Maybe you could tell me a little bit more about this horse transplant thing. 545 00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:21,992 Just asking for a friend. 546 00:28:25,496 --> 00:28:26,789 [siren wailing] 547 00:28:27,081 --> 00:28:28,081 Hey! 548 00:28:29,583 --> 00:28:30,626 Hey! 549 00:28:30,918 --> 00:28:32,586 I thought it was over. 550 00:28:35,506 --> 00:28:39,719 You hear about it happening, but you never think it's gonna be you. 551 00:28:45,057 --> 00:28:46,434 Thought it was over. 552 00:28:48,477 --> 00:28:49,687 I'm still shaking. 553 00:28:50,813 --> 00:28:51,856 And, uh... 554 00:28:53,899 --> 00:28:56,193 no matter how hard I try, I just... 555 00:28:58,654 --> 00:28:59,739 I can't stop. 556 00:29:02,533 --> 00:29:05,244 I can't believe I didn't have my gun. 557 00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:07,872 What if Joe wasn't here? 558 00:29:11,375 --> 00:29:13,335 As a veteran, I should know better. 559 00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:14,962 I just froze. 560 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:18,799 I saw the gun, I heard the shots, I thought they were coming at me. 561 00:29:19,967 --> 00:29:20,968 But it was Joe. 562 00:29:23,888 --> 00:29:25,306 I don't know what to say. 563 00:29:27,975 --> 00:29:29,143 He saved the day. 564 00:29:30,644 --> 00:29:34,064 No, the Christmas party isn't off. 565 00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:38,903 We earned this, we all worked hard, and we earned this. 566 00:29:39,570 --> 00:29:41,197 [upbeat music playing] 567 00:29:41,489 --> 00:29:43,073 [inaudible dialogue] 568 00:29:46,285 --> 00:29:47,995 [Karen] Who could this be? Oh! 569 00:29:48,287 --> 00:29:49,830 Karen, do you mind if we join you? 570 00:29:50,122 --> 00:29:52,374 Come on in. It is Christmas, I guess. 571 00:29:53,751 --> 00:29:56,420 Watch yourself. I'll just close this door. Okay. 572 00:29:57,838 --> 00:29:58,923 Karen, listen. 573 00:29:59,215 --> 00:30:01,175 When I found out what happened today... 574 00:30:03,010 --> 00:30:05,262 I was worried about you. 575 00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:08,015 I'm sorry about the way things went down. 576 00:30:09,183 --> 00:30:10,226 I'm sorry. 577 00:30:10,518 --> 00:30:11,644 I brought you a gift. 578 00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:14,313 Really? Me? Okay. 579 00:30:14,605 --> 00:30:16,816 - It's not poop, is it? - No. No. 580 00:30:17,107 --> 00:30:18,400 Well, you know. 581 00:30:19,109 --> 00:30:20,820 And also, hey, this is my date, Scarlet. 582 00:30:21,111 --> 00:30:23,215 - Oh, it's lovely to meet you. Scarlet. - It's great to meet you. 583 00:30:23,239 --> 00:30:24,341 And what do you do, Scarlet? 584 00:30:24,365 --> 00:30:25,699 - I'm a dancer. - Oh, the ballet. 585 00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:27,409 - I love the ballet. - Yeah. 586 00:30:27,701 --> 00:30:29,745 You know damn well I'm not dating a ballet dancer. 587 00:30:30,037 --> 00:30:33,290 Santa brought Daddy something a little nasty for the stocking this year. 588 00:30:33,582 --> 00:30:36,022 Listen, I got an arraignment tomorrow. Where's the whiskey at? 589 00:30:36,252 --> 00:30:37,252 [laughing] 590 00:30:37,878 --> 00:30:39,171 Have a great time. 591 00:30:41,590 --> 00:30:44,426 No, no, no. I'm not a hero. 592 00:30:46,303 --> 00:30:48,055 I just did my duty. 593 00:30:48,639 --> 00:30:49,682 Wow. 594 00:30:50,474 --> 00:30:51,892 You're a very lucky lady. 595 00:30:57,940 --> 00:30:59,358 - [moans] - [growls playfully] 596 00:31:08,826 --> 00:31:12,288 There you are. You disappeared. I was looking for you. 597 00:31:12,580 --> 00:31:14,498 I've been here the whole time. 598 00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:16,959 - You have, haven't you? - I have. 599 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,670 Anyways, it's viral. 600 00:31:19,962 --> 00:31:21,005 Oh, that. 601 00:31:21,297 --> 00:31:23,897 I don't care about that anymore. People can hate me all they want. 602 00:31:24,049 --> 00:31:25,509 - Don't care. - No, no. 603 00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:28,846 You stopping Stewie. It went viral. But in a good way. People love you. 604 00:31:29,138 --> 00:31:31,515 And me. My social life is back. 605 00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:35,936 Well, I'm very happy for you. Is Michael here? 606 00:31:36,604 --> 00:31:39,440 No. He has a lot of work to do. 607 00:31:39,732 --> 00:31:42,151 So it's just me. 608 00:31:42,902 --> 00:31:44,904 Well, me too. 609 00:31:48,407 --> 00:31:52,328 Oh, bro, you blew the chance at a stateside kill. 610 00:31:52,620 --> 00:31:54,163 Dude. All right, it's Christmas. 611 00:31:54,455 --> 00:31:57,666 I thought 17 consecutive groin shots would be the gift that kept on giving. 612 00:31:57,958 --> 00:32:00,127 - [Ashleigh laughs] - Also, you are late. 613 00:32:00,419 --> 00:32:01,420 Fair enough, my bad. 614 00:32:01,712 --> 00:32:03,631 I had some business to attend to at the Legion. 615 00:32:03,923 --> 00:32:06,234 Ashleigh, I want you to meet my lovely date for the evening, 616 00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:07,343 Tony Garcia. 617 00:32:07,635 --> 00:32:10,888 Tony, it's so nice to meet you. Joe's told me so much about you. 618 00:32:11,180 --> 00:32:12,222 Oh, has he? 619 00:32:12,514 --> 00:32:14,834 Yes, something about you being his best friend in the area? 620 00:32:15,059 --> 00:32:18,437 That, ah... Not best, only friend in the area. 621 00:32:18,729 --> 00:32:21,148 I was explaining to her that my life was so pathetic 622 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,627 that you were the only one who would come to this party with me. 623 00:32:23,651 --> 00:32:25,319 After everything I've ever done for you. 624 00:32:25,611 --> 00:32:27,892 Hey, look, I'm gonna grab a drink. Ash, you need anything? 625 00:32:27,988 --> 00:32:29,239 Uh, how about a red wine? 626 00:32:29,531 --> 00:32:31,371 - Wilco. Tony? - Nope, I'm good and happy, bud. 627 00:32:31,617 --> 00:32:32,618 - Awesome. - You? 628 00:32:33,535 --> 00:32:35,746 - As good as I've been in a while. - Good. 629 00:32:36,038 --> 00:32:37,038 Be right back. 630 00:32:38,874 --> 00:32:41,114 - Love him. Yeah, I love him. - Does he look good to you? 631 00:32:41,251 --> 00:32:43,253 - [Joe] Chazzy boy. - Joe! 632 00:32:43,545 --> 00:32:44,856 - That's my guy. - How are you, man? 633 00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:47,192 How's it going? You can settle this debate I was having with Carter. 634 00:32:47,216 --> 00:32:49,176 He says Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. 635 00:32:49,468 --> 00:32:51,720 Uh, Carter's telling you nothing but lies. 636 00:32:52,012 --> 00:32:55,808 Die Hard 1 and 2 are Christmas movies. I mean, they're cult classics, really. 637 00:32:56,100 --> 00:32:57,476 And it's not Christmas until... 638 00:32:57,768 --> 00:33:00,729 [both] Hans Gruber falls off the Nakatomi Plaza. 639 00:33:01,021 --> 00:33:03,315 - Ah! Yes, definitely. - Yes! 640 00:33:03,607 --> 00:33:06,568 "Now I have a machine gun." Then he falls off, he just dies. 641 00:33:06,860 --> 00:33:08,380 - [Jocelyn] Hey, guys! - [Joe] Jocelyn. 642 00:33:08,487 --> 00:33:10,531 This is my partner, Mike Machiavello. 643 00:33:11,198 --> 00:33:13,158 You're Mike Machiavello? 644 00:33:13,450 --> 00:33:17,162 I mean, NCAA wrestling champion, Pan-Am champion, 645 00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:21,125 two-time U.S. Open champion, wrestling team Mike Machiavello? 646 00:33:21,417 --> 00:33:22,918 [Joe] I know nothing about wrestling, 647 00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:25,879 but by looking at you, I'm betting you're Mike Machiavello. 648 00:33:26,171 --> 00:33:27,899 - It's nice to meet you, man. - Nice to meet you as well. 649 00:33:27,923 --> 00:33:29,466 I have your trading cards. 650 00:33:29,758 --> 00:33:30,801 I got trading cards? 651 00:33:31,093 --> 00:33:34,430 Yes. I mean, they're huge on the wrestling black market. 652 00:33:34,722 --> 00:33:37,558 - I didn't know you were into sports, Chaz. - [Chaz] I'm not. 653 00:33:37,850 --> 00:33:41,729 I'm only into the purest sport there is. Everything else is for children. 654 00:33:42,021 --> 00:33:43,814 And I didn't know your partner was a man. 655 00:33:44,648 --> 00:33:47,735 I kind of like pickleball, actually. 656 00:33:48,027 --> 00:33:49,028 Pickleball? 657 00:33:50,112 --> 00:33:51,780 Maybe he isn't a man. 658 00:33:52,072 --> 00:33:53,157 What? 659 00:33:55,826 --> 00:33:59,663 I said, maybe he isn't a man. 660 00:33:59,955 --> 00:34:01,498 [Joe] I gotta grab some red wine. 661 00:34:02,624 --> 00:34:03,624 Huh? 662 00:34:04,334 --> 00:34:05,502 [bells jingling] 663 00:34:07,629 --> 00:34:09,757 Ding, ding, ding! Everybody. 664 00:34:10,049 --> 00:34:11,258 I'd love your attention. 665 00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:13,218 Hello! Everybody. 666 00:34:13,510 --> 00:34:17,222 Okay, now we've had a crazy year at Gasoline Dog 667 00:34:17,514 --> 00:34:20,100 and a crazy day, let's say that. 668 00:34:20,392 --> 00:34:24,855 Um, so first, I'd like to raise a glass to Gasoline Dog 669 00:34:25,147 --> 00:34:28,192 and to also my knight in shining armor, Carter. 670 00:34:29,401 --> 00:34:30,652 Cheers to Gasoline Dog! 671 00:34:30,944 --> 00:34:33,197 - Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas. 672 00:34:33,864 --> 00:34:39,787 And I'm making a 13th L of leadership and it's "Let's party!" Whoo! 673 00:34:40,079 --> 00:34:41,288 [all cheering] 674 00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:47,669 Now we're going to carry on the party with some festive karaoke. 675 00:34:47,961 --> 00:34:50,089 Take a line and we'll get some songs going. 676 00:34:50,380 --> 00:34:53,884 - Hey, hey, hey! - I'm going first. Okay. 677 00:34:54,176 --> 00:34:55,511 Sit down. 678 00:34:57,304 --> 00:34:58,764 I just love karaoke. 679 00:35:00,307 --> 00:35:04,895 - ? O, come, all ye faithful ? - [inaudible dialogue] 680 00:35:05,187 --> 00:35:08,941 ? Joyful and triumphant ? 681 00:35:09,233 --> 00:35:10,943 ? O, come ye ? 682 00:35:11,235 --> 00:35:17,533 ? O, come ye, to Bethlehem ? 683 00:35:18,826 --> 00:35:21,703 Not gonna lie, she was pretty good. 684 00:35:22,454 --> 00:35:24,248 [Jocelyn] ? Noel ? 685 00:35:24,540 --> 00:35:26,083 ? Noel ? 686 00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:27,876 ? Noel ? 687 00:35:28,168 --> 00:35:30,963 ? Noel ? 688 00:35:31,255 --> 00:35:38,178 ? Born is the King of Israel ? 689 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:40,180 Apparently, everyone sings around here. 690 00:35:41,515 --> 00:35:45,102 - [Ashleigh] Good job! - Ashleigh-Mareigh, I think it's your turn. 691 00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:48,438 - You can do it. I believe in you. - Okay. 692 00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:50,607 Let's go, TikTok girl. Whoo! 693 00:35:51,692 --> 00:35:55,863 ? Sweet hymns of joy ? 694 00:35:56,155 --> 00:36:00,242 ? In grateful chorus raise we ? 695 00:36:00,534 --> 00:36:03,620 ? Let all within us ? 696 00:36:03,912 --> 00:36:08,500 ? Praise his holy name ? 697 00:36:08,792 --> 00:36:17,134 ? Oh, Christ is the Lord ? 698 00:36:17,426 --> 00:36:25,934 ? Oh, hear the angel's voices ? 699 00:36:26,226 --> 00:36:30,480 ? Oh, night ? 700 00:36:30,772 --> 00:36:34,193 ? Divine ? 701 00:36:34,484 --> 00:36:37,946 ? Oh, night ? 702 00:36:38,238 --> 00:36:42,367 ? When Christ was born ? 703 00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:47,164 ? Oh, night ? 704 00:36:47,456 --> 00:36:52,127 ? Divine ? 705 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:56,757 - ? Oh, night ? - [mouths] Wow. 706 00:36:57,633 --> 00:37:05,766 ? Oh, holy night ? 707 00:37:09,978 --> 00:37:18,695 ? Oh, holy night ? 708 00:37:19,780 --> 00:37:21,531 - Oh, my goodness! - [crowd cheering] 709 00:37:24,243 --> 00:37:26,620 What is this, American-fucking-Idol? 710 00:37:28,288 --> 00:37:31,959 Carter, I know you're another dark horse, and it's your turn. 711 00:37:32,251 --> 00:37:33,460 Yeah, Carter, come on, dude. 712 00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:35,545 ["Jingle Bells" playing on keyboard] 713 00:37:40,092 --> 00:37:46,181 [off-key] ? Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh ? 714 00:37:46,473 --> 00:37:51,228 ? O'er the hills we go Laughing all the way ? 715 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:52,521 ? Ha, ha, ha ? 716 00:37:52,813 --> 00:37:58,610 ? Bells on bobtails ring Making spirits bright ? 717 00:37:58,902 --> 00:38:04,324 [all] ? What fun it is to ride and sing A sleighing song tonight ? 718 00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:06,056 ? O, jingle bells, jingle bells... ? 719 00:38:06,326 --> 00:38:09,830 [Joe] So when I left the army, I was ready to leave the bullshit behind. 720 00:38:10,122 --> 00:38:14,251 You know, all the stuff the military makes you do that just drives you insane. 721 00:38:15,043 --> 00:38:17,421 Well, I got the freedom. 722 00:38:18,505 --> 00:38:19,756 I lost my family. 723 00:38:20,966 --> 00:38:23,051 See, family isn't defined by blood. 724 00:38:23,343 --> 00:38:25,804 It's the people that really have your back. 725 00:38:26,096 --> 00:38:29,766 And I didn't realize how much they meant to me until they were gone. 726 00:38:30,058 --> 00:38:32,352 I was lost, rudderless. 727 00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:36,064 You know, kind of like the sailboats those orcas keep sinking in Spain. 728 00:38:36,356 --> 00:38:38,275 How insane is that, by the way? 729 00:38:38,567 --> 00:38:40,402 Sorry, it's off topic. 730 00:38:40,694 --> 00:38:46,908 Anyways, what I didn't expect was that I'd find a new family, 731 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:50,829 a different family, a weird family. 732 00:38:51,121 --> 00:38:54,291 But... a pretty great one. 733 00:38:54,583 --> 00:38:56,585 I just had to work at it. 734 00:38:58,795 --> 00:39:00,213 - Hey you. - Hey. 735 00:39:00,505 --> 00:39:02,299 Uh, I'm actually about to get out of here. 736 00:39:02,591 --> 00:39:06,803 Do you want to grab a late-night bite or coffee or anything at all? 737 00:39:07,095 --> 00:39:08,805 - Yeah, I'd love to. - Yeah? 738 00:39:09,097 --> 00:39:12,351 But I can't. Not tonight. I just have other plans. 739 00:39:13,310 --> 00:39:14,478 No, that's cool. 740 00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:15,770 I actually... 741 00:39:15,812 --> 00:39:17,314 I got some stuff, too, so... 742 00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:21,151 Are you going to see family over the break? 743 00:39:21,443 --> 00:39:24,696 Uh, no, my dad passed away this past year, 744 00:39:24,988 --> 00:39:28,992 and last time I saw my mom, I was, like, too young to remember, so... 745 00:39:29,284 --> 00:39:30,786 - Joe, I'm so sorry. - It's all good. 746 00:39:31,078 --> 00:39:32,371 I had no idea. 747 00:39:32,662 --> 00:39:34,039 Why would you? It's okay. 748 00:39:34,331 --> 00:39:39,419 Um, have a great Christmas, though, and see you in the new year. All right? 749 00:39:39,711 --> 00:39:40,879 - Joe. - Take care. 750 00:39:44,758 --> 00:39:48,178 You know, life's actually pretty great, 751 00:39:48,970 --> 00:39:51,390 even when you don't get exactly what you want... 752 00:39:53,517 --> 00:39:54,935 even when the road's rough... 753 00:39:55,977 --> 00:39:58,397 as long as you put one foot in front of the other... 754 00:39:59,731 --> 00:40:01,149 and keep driving on. 755 00:40:05,612 --> 00:40:07,030 [sultry jazz music playing] 756 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:23,672 You have been a very bad girl. 757 00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:31,888 A very bad girl. 758 00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:36,725 Well... 759 00:40:38,145 --> 00:40:40,188 sometimes life will give you a little gift. 760 00:40:41,398 --> 00:40:43,233 [theme music playing] 761 00:40:43,283 --> 00:40:47,833 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 59280

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