Original subtitles

- Lets go Javi! Woo!

Let's go, Javi, you got this.

- Let's go, Javi!

What's the deal?

I have to throw a fast ball right now.

I have zero control over my arm.

- He just cranked two foul.

Trust the curve, man. I can't hit it.

You can't hit anything.

Come on. You got this.

Let's go.

Uh. Dad.

Coach.

Put me in there.

Look, he's gonna blow it.

I can do this.

Let's go kid.

Here we go.

You ready for this?

Javi. Where's he hiding?

Javi?

He's over here.

Yes. - Come on, man.

You can't hide. Not tonight.

Come on, get up here.

Now, everybody, this man right here,

this handsome man just pitched the first no hitter

in school history.

Make sure you get some good photos for the paper.

- Okay. - Thanks, Ryan.

Now ladies, Javi is single

and ready to mingle, so please get in line.

Javi, any words?

Yeah.

Thanks for the support.

Riveting stuff, man.

Alright. To Javi!

To Javi!

You got to lighten up, man.

It's not that big a deal.

How come you can step on a mound

with everyone in the stands

and pitch your ass off but then you just freeze up

whenever you're not on the field?

I don't know.

It's just when it's you and me out there,

it's like we're playing catch.

Aw, that's really sweet.

Hands off! He's mine.

- Hey!

What?

- Where'd you go?

You're missing the party.

I just wanted a moment by myself.

Are you okay?

It's a bad time.

We can talk about it later.

I don't see anybody. We can just talk now.

What's gonna happen to us when you go to college?

Nothing's gonna happen. Everything's gonna be fine.

Well, that's what everybody says and then they break up.

Tracy, we're not gonna break up.

Look, I love you, okay?

We're gonna make it work, I promise. Okay?

Where are the towels?

They're in the basement.

Don't get into my dad's scotch.

- Too late.

Some purists like their scotch plain.

But I like mine with a little bit of diet root beer.

I think the flavor profiles really start to shine through.

What?

Oh yeah, that's vintage.

And it's coming in hot, any minute now.

Just wait.

Here, drink up.

Put some pubes on your balls finally.

I have pubes.

Cheers!

To your hairless sack.

Oh yeah. That's good.

Come on, man. Loosen up.

Have some fun.

I know. You'll get used to it.

Don't worry.

- You were right about the curve.

Oh, really?

You deserve this.

No, man. It's all you.

Absolutely not. I couldn't have done it without you.

Come here.

I love you, man.

I love you too.

What the fuck was that dude?

Hunter! - Dude.

Hunter?

- No, back off, man. - I...

- I don't know.

I kind of wanna go to California.

- Yeah. - But my parents

are kind of reluctant.

Yeah.

- But I think I'm just gonna go for it.

- Oh, there you are. Are you okay?

What's going on?

What do you mean?

Have you been kissing anyone lately?

Oh God, Javi.

I don't, he came outta nowhere, I swear.

Come on. You have to go talk to him.

No. Why?

You gonna go beat him up?

No, moron.

We have to support him.

What? Support him?

Why don't you support me? Huh?

He basically assaulted me.

He's your best friend. You have to talk this out.

No, absolutely not.

It's okay, false alarm.

Javi?

Hi, Tracy. I'm - I'm sorry.

This is really messy.

I'll fix this up real quick.

I'll get it cleaned up.

Are you okay?

Y-yeah, I'm fine. Why?

Did you hear anything?

Nothing happened.

Okay? I didn't mean anything by it.

It - it was a mistake.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no. It's okay.

You don't, you don't have to be sorry.

Do you wanna talk about it?

Tracy, Hunter's trying to drive.

Stop!

Hey, stop.

Hey. What?

Go inside and sleep it off in my room.

Gimme those keys, man.

No.

Listen to her.

Or what? Huh?

You know what? Go ahead.

Dead boyfriend might be a great topic

for one of my college essays.

- Look, they're gonna kiss each other again.

Dude!

What? You coming to kiss me too?

- Hunter. - No.

- Get off me.

I know my rights.

My mom's gonna sue the shit outta you.

Yeah. I hope your mom comes.

Her tits are huge.

Shut the fuck up.

Hey, shut up and keep your hands to yourself.

Or else!

Dude, just chill, man. We're fine.

We're just kids. They can't do anything to us.

No, no, no, no.

What are you doing here?

Thought I'd surprise you.

You can't be here.

Why?

Please go.

Fine.

But, we're done.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey!

Hey. - Okay.

So invite me in. Let me meet your dad.

I can't be with someone who can't be himself.

Shit, you're still here?

Hunter! - Mm.

Will you please get out?

- What? - Hello?

- What? - Hello?

What?

What's the rush?

Oh, is this round two or is it technically three?

Okay.

My graduation party is about to start.

Oh, no invite for me. Huh?

Get out.

- We should talk about this though.

No, it was one night.

There's nothing to talk about.

Well, I feel used.

Good.

Tracy, honey!

Mom needs help with a few things.

Yeah, okay. Be out in a second.

I remember when we brought you home

from the hospital.

Eight pounds nine ounces, slightly jaundiced.

- Jaundiced?

Can I come in?

Um. Oh, one second.

Get out!

- Seriously? - Yes.

Everything okay?

Sorry, Dad. One more second.

Okay. Ow, that hurt.

- You good? - Yeah.

Oh, good.

Well, you've become a messy sleeper,

but I see you weren't alone.

I got you Stuffy. I got him from the hospital gift shop.

Mm-hmm.

- Stuffy was your first friend.

Besides me, of course.

- You know, Mom and I are so proud of you.

You can be whatever you want to be.

I mean, you wanna be a lawyer

like your mom or a doctor like me.

And that's of course best, but you can be anything.

You've made such great decisions so far,

and I can't wait to see

the successful woman you're gonna become.

Thanks, Dad.

Please, God. Please, God.

- Hey Tracy. Look who stopped by?

Hunter.

Hey, Trace, long time no see.

Chip here was just telling me

you graduated summa cum laude.

Top of her class.

She loves being on top.

- Just like her father.

So competitive.

Hey, Tracy, I didn't know you guys still talked.

Mm. M-hmm.

You know, I remember the two of you

when you wee just a couple of little kids

running around the backyard playing tag.

That time I caught you playing doctor in the basement.

Tracy, Hunter was your first patient.

Dad!

Patient, yeah.

Yeah. She|s a chip off the old Chip.

Jesus.

Yeah. Okay.

I think we gotta finish up the prep for the party.

Right.

Hunter, come do me a favor.

Help me get the beer out to the cooler?

Of course, Chip.

Great.

- Javi. - Hey.

- Glad you could make it.

- Yeah. I'm so sorry.

A little late. - Oh, here we go.

What happened?

- I'll redo it.

No, it's fine.

This isn't much worse than my husband's penmanship.

You look like you haven't slept in days.

Oh, I'm okay.

Look, I know how hard you work.

Yeah, I'll work even harder.

No, it isn't the work that worries me,

it's just I want you to know

that you can come to me with anything.

It's nothing really.

I just had to pick up another shift

so that I could pay for this semester.

So, you know.

Well, this might help.

The department just offered me funding for a TA position.

That's why I called you in today.

And it's yours if you want it.

Could help you pay for this semester.

That way you wouldn't have to drive around

so much from work to school.

Really?

You think I'd be good for it?

Well, I had heard that you were

tutoring students in this class.

I began to realize something was up when all the grades

started to rise outta nowhere.

I hope that's okay.

Oh yeah. Of course.

You remind me a lot of myself.

But let's get you paid for your work.

I'll set you up with a work study today.

You know what?

Um, I really appreciate that professor.

I, I really do.

It's just that I gotta take care of my dad

pretty much every day after school.

And um, I don't think

that I can really take this on.

What? Javi?

- Yeah. No. Listen, thank you so much for everything.

I, I really appreciate it.

I gotta get going,

but I'll keep my papers dry from now on.

- Javi.

So?

It was nice to have you here today.

Well, should we do this again?

I don't think so.

C|mon, we had a good time, right?

We've done this all before, Hunter.

Nothing's changed.

You don't care about anything.

I care about you.

Yeah. Okay.

Well then why did you text me last night?

It was sex, Hunter. Nothing more.

Okay. Totally.

Sex for me too.

Okay, then what about a goodbye kiss?

I'll pass.

Hi, Tracy.

Hey. You made it!

- Happy graduation. - Thank you.

I'm really sweaty.

No, no!

Come on in.

I made sure we have mayo for your fries,

even though it is the world's most disgusting combination.

So what's next for Tracy?

What are you gonna do with that Latin degree?

You sound like my Grampy.

I'm not sure yet.

What about writing?

I used to love reading your articles in the school's paper.

I mean, I've always liked telling stories.

I'm not sure if it's a career though.

I might take a year off and travel.

I'm just so sheltered.

You know, I could, I could help build a well

or like a hospital in Haiti.

I'm not very handy though.

I mean, there's plenty of people

around here that you could help too.

Oh yeah, for sure.

But it'd be great for me to get some more stamps

in my passport.

And not just the typical places

like Paris and Sicily, you know?

Yeah, totally.

So what about you?

You gonna tutor brilliant minds like my brother forever?

Nope. No!

Oh.

Oh my God. What an idiot.

I do like tutoring.

Did you know my mom was a teacher?

No, I didn't.

Yeah.

So is that your dream to teach?

Honestly, I don't know.

I feel like I'm just trying to get through the day.

Well, when you do figure it out. I'll be there.

I cannot believe you eat this.

What are you talking about?

It's a problem.

Have you heard of ketchup or?

Stop.

He actually, I'll introduce you, he came to the party.

No, don't even.

Well, ketchup.

Ridiculous.

- What's up, my guy? Hey Justin.

Hey, are you going to the reunion tonight?

Oh shoot. Is that tonight?

Yeah, man.

I need my wing, man. My goose.

Dude, he totally dies.

Just meet me there at 10.

I would love to,

but Kelly just turned on "The Bachelor"

and we're gonna find out if Rachel is a lesbian.

You should really come over.

Kelly makes a great guacamole.

Vamos, you're late!

- I'm so sorry, Joe. - No excuses, kid.

Big night. Start washing.

- Oh, okay.

- Woohoo. I got shots.

Here you go.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Woo.

Oh!

Tequila. That hits different.

It's nice, right?

Yeah.

So Julia, what do you do for work?

Oh, I'm a clown.

Really? - Yeah.

Circuses, birthday parties, haunted houses.

Clowns are very hot right now.

That's uh, very entrepreneurial of you.

I know, but I don't wanna talk about work. Okay?

Do you wanna dance?

Yeah.

What's wrong? Is it the clown thing?

- No. No, it's just, I think I saw somebody that I know.

Don't we like know everyone here?

- I mean, like, someone I didn't think would be here.

Who?

Wait, where are you going?

It is the clown thing.

I knew it.

So you are, you're an actuary.

That's, that's actually pretty cool.

Oh, hold on.

Finally gonna hook up with Julia?

- Yeah. - Attaboy.

That's my guy right there.

Yeah, I think I'm close again with Rebecca over there.

Or at least I was.

She must be getting us a drink or something.

Did you see Javi?

Javi?

Shoot, man, I haven't heard that name in years.

He's here?

Yeah, I think I saw him.

I didn't think he would show up to this thing.

Should I say hi?

I'm gonna say hi.

Well, wait, wait, wait. Hey!

Look, don't be gone too long

or else Julia might be blowing up my balloon animal.

- Whatever, man.

I thought I told you, stop wearing this thing.

What are you talking about?

Chick's dig an officer.

You're a crossing guard. And that's plastic.

Alright, first of all, I'm not just a crossing guard. Okay?

I'm a pedestrian security liaison.

It's a very important position.

I'll have you know that not one kid has died on my watch.

I mean, there was that, that one kid that he tripped

and got scraped up pretty bad, but-

- Yeah.

He doesn't, he's not a good walker.

I, um.

Javi. ICE.

Yeah, I know. I just refilled the machine.

ICE.

Don't leave. They're outside.

Grab a drink. Blend in.

Gimme the apron.

Hey, Javi.

Hunter.

Shit.

Nice to see you too.

Hey, wait, man, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm fine.

Okay. Can I buy you a drink?

It's just, I don't...

Do you know what? Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

I'll be back there. Okay?

Yeah. Okay. - Okay.

Been a long time, man. You look good.

I see you're still wearing the whole Mr. Rogers get up.

I like this. My grandma got it for me.

Alice has great taste.

It's good to see you, man.

Yeah, you too.

Okay. Don't sound too pumped.

So, dishwasher?

I know you liked to clean up my messes in home ec,

but I didn't think you'd make it a career.

What, no comeback on how I'm a trust fund baby

suckling from my mom's financial teat?

They are big teats.

There he is.

I think about that night a lot.

You do?

I shouldn't have reacted that way.

Yeah. Well, I shouldn't have kissed you.

Yeah, it was too much tongue.

You're too funny.

I miss this.

What?

This, between us.

We're good together, man. We had something special.

Who's gay now? Huh?

Shit.

You okay, officer?

Who? Who me?

I don't see anyone else with a badge.

Right.

Yeah, of course. I, I am an officer.

What can I help you guys with?

We're with immigration.

We had a tip this place employs illegal workers.

We didn't find any concrete evidence.

They saw us coming.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Do you, you want me to go in there and investigate?

See if there's anything out of the ordinary.

Don't hesitate to contact us if you find anything.

Maybe you'd be a good fit for our team.

Hell yeah. Word, yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Aye-aye.

Don't do that.

Copy that.

Thank you guys.

I'll let you know if I find anything.

Won't let you down.

You got my word.

You know, you could have reached out.

Could have called.

Look, man, you made it pretty clear

you didn't wanna see me

when you disappeared off the face of the Earth.

I had to.

Why?

What? You're leaving?

Yeah, I just, I gotta finish out some stuff.

What? This was going well.

Was it?

Come on, man. Don't be such a drama queen.

What could be more important than reconnecting with me?

How about getting kicked out of this fucking country?

What are you talking about?

ICE agents just raided the kitchen.

Oh shit.

Yeah. Shit.

Okay. What's gonna happen?

Get sent back to Peru.

You know, something like that.

I hear Peru's nice this time of year.

You're an ass.

What? I'm...

Dammit.

Hey.

They know.

How?

I'm not sure.

I'm sorry, Javi, but you can't work here anymore.

No, Joe. You can't do this to me.

I really need the money right now. I need the job.

I can't risk it.

You can't either.

Let me give you tonight's pay and next week's too.

I'm sorry pal.

Hey, can we go back inside and talk about this?

Why do you care?

Because I'm your best friend.

Were. Were my best friend.

Look, I messed up, man.

Just let me fix that.

You can't!

There you are.

I thought that you left with someone else.

No, I was just-

So, your place or mine?

I'm right down the street.

And um,

on or off.

Where's my nose?

Have you seen it? - Oh god.

No. Not since, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Oh crap. I really have to go.

Okay. Go.

Wait, are you hungry?

Do you want to like, get food or something?

Why?

I don't know. I just-

Sorry, I can't. I have a gig.

It's a bachelorette party.

Okay. Well, can I call you sometime?

Listen, Hunter.

You're a great guy.

I'm just not looking for anything serious right now.

But we had fun, right?

Yeah. Lots of fun.

- Oh, it was a custom nose.

It's gonna take weeks to get a new one.

I have to call Bobby.

Okay. I gotta go.

Oh my god.

You gotta be kidding me.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

I know this is where you come to clear your head.

Yeah. Thanks for ruining that.

Did you get my? - Yeah.

I don't need it.

Can you just take it, please.

No, I'm not a charity case.

I know that. I'm just trying to help.

I'm good, okay? I'm good.

I'm gonna hire a lawyer

and they're gonna be able to help me out

way more than a business major can.

A Wharton business major.

I don't care what school your parents

paid for you to get into.

Come on, man.

Let's go grab a drink. Let's catch up.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I got five years of fuck up stories to share with you.

Stuff you probably couldn't even dream of, honestly.

Some wild stuff.

Wild stuff?

X-rated.

Oh, X-rated.

Yeah. You wouldn't get it.

Yeah. No, you're right.

I definitely wouldn't get it.

Okay. One drink.

Okay, perfect.

Hey, we can't go back to Tavern though.

That's okay. I got a new place.

What's this?

You'll like it. Don't worry.

No, no, no, no. I didn't agree to this.

Yes, yes, yes.

Come on, man. Let me be your wing man.

Absolutely not.

I mean, maybe you'll meet the man of your dreams in there

and then everything will be solved.

And if you don't, then at least we'll have fun.

Come on, man. When was the last time you had fun?

Was that a bear?

No.

Wait. Am I a bear?

No!

You're a, you're a shrimp.

That doesn't sound very flattering.

Oh, no. It's the highest praise ever.

Believe me. Everybody loves shrimp.

Just tell them to dip you in some cocktail sauce

and you're good to go.

Wait, is that lube?

Hey.

Hey. Can I help you?

Yeah. What's the house drink?

We don't have one,

but I can make you a whiskey sour, gin and tonic.

Do you have anything, anything gayer?

Excuse me.

Sorry. Homosexualer.

Just two beers, please.

Surprise us.

Hey, what the hell?

I, I don't know. I just thought when in Rome, right?

I thought- No. No.

Get something a little fruitier.

- Thanks. - Enjoy.

Thank you.

- Listen, I will leave. - Okay. Okay.

Calm down. Let's find you a husband. Okay?

We're gonna play a little game from your favorite show

called "Have you met Javi?"

No, let's not do that. That's never actually worked.

Well, yeah, that's 'cause I was always looking

for chicks instead of dicks, but now I know.

So let's find you some sexy man meat.

Agh.

Oh, perfect.

You love tweed.

Don't.

- Excuse me. - Hey.

Have you met- Javi?

Oh, you two know each other.

Professor.

Hi, I'm Hunter. I'm a shrimp.

Is this your partner, Javi?

No. No.

Absolutely not.

Okay, dude, any more no's?

- No. - Oh, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. This isn't my usual scene.

Me either.

My husband drags me to these things.

I come occasionally.

I'd love to meet him sometimes.

Yeah, he's over there dancing.

Oh my God. Yep.

What are you doing here?

I, um, we...

He brought me.

I'm really starting to question my sexuality.

I used to just watch the chicks in porn

and now I'm drawn to the dudes.

Jesus.

I'd love to help.

Yeah. You know, first it was just one guy and one girl.

Then two guys and one girl.

And then finally, just two guys just going and-

Just stop!

Javi, don't stifle your friend's expression.

It's okay. He's just covering for me because...

Because why?

Because I'm not from the US

and I could kind of get kicked out at any moment.

So he had this brilliant idea to come here

and try to find someone for me to marry.

Javi, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's okay.

Is this why you couldn't TA for me?

Yeah.

It's all good though. Don't worry about it.

I'm sorry we involved you.

I'll see you tomorrow in class.

Javi. Javi.

Wait right here.

I think I was starting to convince him.

You're making me sick.

- Okay. - Oh God.

This is my husband Steven. He's a lawyer.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.

I'd be happy to help.

Come see me tomorrow.

Oh. Oh, okay. Great.

Thank you.

Hey, not so fast.

You're here. Let's have some fun.

Oh, come on. Come on.

Come on.

Oh my God. That was the most fun I've had in so long.

What was that one move he did?

It was like.

- Whoa! - Oh god.

Okay twinkletoes. We gotta go.

You always want me to loosen up and look at me now.

Bye!

Bye you crazy kids!

I love them.

- Oh, man.

What a crazy night.

What?

What are you doing?

No, no.

It's me.

I know you, Javi. I know you better than I know myself.

Don't do this.

Remember, I was the one to help you pass Spanish

in order to keep your straight A status.

Yeah, that was bullshit.

Mrs. Chappelle was wrong and I was right.

Okay? You don't sing "Feliz" in a happy birthday song.

And you stayed up with me all night

listening to T Swift when Jenna Orlansky broke up with me.

That was a bit dramatic. No?

It had been one week.

I loved her.

Look, I know you tap your leg incessantly

when you're nervous.

You rub your eyebrows when you're thinking.

And you need to listen to nursery rhymes

in order to go numero dos.

I got over that.

Yeah, sure.

This is no joke, Javier.

I wanna marry you.

Come on. Get up, idiot.

Just, ah!

Come on man.

Lets just do it.

I don't know, Hunter. I don't know.

I don't want to mess up your perfect life here.

What perfect life, man?

I haven't seen my parents in like a year.

I hate my job and I haven't had a relationship

since high school.

So I don't know what perfect life you're referring to.

That's sad.

It's not that sad.

Come on. This is our best option.

Our?

I didn't mean it like that.

- Oh no?

Because last time I checked

I'm the one that gets deported, no?

I'm just trying to help.

You don't deserve this, Javi.

There's no difference between you and me

you're just as much as an American as I am.

And I wanna make that permanent.

Come on man.

It'd be just like old times. You and me.

I gotta think about this.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Take as much time as you need.

I do have a date tomorrow,

so it would be nice to know if I'm engaged or not.

- I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Date with my right hand.

- Jesus. - Just kidding. It's my left.

Okay, class. Sorry I'm late.

Javi.

Would you mind coming up here for a moment, please?

Hey. You doing okay?

- Oh one too many mojitos last night.

Yeah, we kind of went hard.

Do you think you could teach the class today?

Really?

Yeah, I'm afraid if I continue to open my mouth,

I might regurgitate my breakfast.

You really think I can do it?

Of course. You know the material.

The rest is just projecting confidence.

And don't call on the eager ones.

They're just trying to suck up to you.

I find it's the ones in the back of the class

that have the most to offer.

Hi.

Hey, wait a minute. Where you going kiddo?

It's down here.

It's me, talking doorbell.

Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, hey, Chip.

I work for a flower delivery service. These are for you?

Oh yeah. Okay.

Hey, little piece of advice.

My daughter, her bullshit radar is off the charts insane.

Listen, Hunter, man to man,

you give her anything less than 100% honesty and she's gone.

Oh, also, roses make her sneeze.

Ooh, gotta go.

What's behind your?

I didn't know you were allergic to roses.

I came here to tell you that I reconnected with Javi.

Oh. You did?

Yeah. I'm helping him with something.

I am so sorry.

Just come inside.

I need a glass of ice water to make it stop.

- How was George this morning? He looked dreadful.

He had me teach the class.

Really? How did that go?

Surprisingly well.

Great.

Steve, once again, thank you so much.

Of course.

Although I'm not sure how much I can help.

I didn't know much about immigration law,

so I started to read and read and read.

It's a lot.

But geez, is this the last of it?

No, we just ran outta ink.

It's like I'm back in law school.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be silly.

It's good for the brain to learn something new.

Besides, I want to help you.

So why does Javi need your help?

He's in a little bit of trouble with the law.

Javi? The law?

There's no way.

Immigration.

Javi's not...

Yeah, but we're fixing it.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. I have a plan.

And you know, I was thinking about

what you said the other day

and I was trying to like figure out like what my purpose is.

I think I'm here for Javi.

Was that a?

No.

Definitely not.

Okay.

Since you were brought here in 2008,

you aren't eligible for DACA.

That would've at least offered you some protection.

Also, since you've been in the country illegally

for longer than a year, you would need to wait 10 years

to reenter the United States.

What if I'm married?

Hunter?

Yeah.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

They're gonna subject you two to all sorts of tests

and interviews to make sure you're actually a couple.

I know.

It's just, he's the only person

that knows me well enough to-

If you go through with this and they figure you out,

they will deport you.

What other options do I have?

Well, as long as you don't commit a felony,

you should be fine.

- Okay. - Mm. Failure.

So, do you even know how to speak Swahili?

Uh, no.

But it's gotta be a whole lot easier than learning Latin.

Yeah. How's that dead language working out for you?

It's not a dead language.

It's the root of everything we say.

That's pretentious.

Pretentious from the Latin, pretender.

To put forward as an excuse.

Okay. Now do "nerd."

Now do "funny."

Watch this.

Have you ever thrown?

That is talent.

I am.

So do you get to pick where they send you?

Yeah. Somewhere by the ocean would be nice.

I'd love to get my suntan on when I'm not, you know,

building houses, obviously.

- Oh yeah, totally. - Shut up.

Well, I commend you.

I think joining the Peace Corps is pretty cool.

It's pronounced "Core" you idiot.

- Oh. - And I haven't joined yet.

Well you should.

Well then what about us?

So there's an us?

Who knows?

Hold that thought.

What?

It's Javi. - Is he okay?

Yeah, I just, I think I should go.

Well, I'll come with you.

I mean, if Javi's in trouble, I wanna be there for him too.

It's okay. I got it.

I'll see you later.

Hunter.

I'm proud of you.

Hi.

Why'd you want me to meet you here?

I've been here as long as I can remember.

And still people look at me as an outsider.

They would all cheer for me.

And then look down on me the rest of the week.

You and I can change that together.

It'll never change,

even if I become a citizen,

I'll never be viewed as an American.

Everything I did was to try to fit in.

That's how I ended up picking up baseball.

My dad wanted me to play soccer.

You remember when we became friends?

Yeah.

I stayed after practice with you for hours

to work on your curve.

Yeah. You weren't the only kid I asked.

You were just the only one that said yes.

You were the first kid to look at me as your equal.

Of course I did.

'Cause you are,

and that's why we need to make it official.

Okay.

Okay. What?

Okay, let's do it. Let's get married.

Really?

Yeah.

We'll figure it out.

Oh! Got you something.

It's nice, right?

You're an idiot.

Now I'm your idiot.

Come on.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

I've never had anybody sleep over here

and not have sex with them, so I thought I would take

the couch and you can have the bed.

When was the last time you washed these sheets?

Uh.

I'll take the couch.

Yeah, it's a good choice.

Okay. Well mi casa is su casa.

It's "tu casa."

"Su casa" is way too formal.

"Tu" is for good friends.

Look who learned Spanish. What is it for lovers?

Okay, well you want me to tuck you in?

No, I'm okay. Thank you.

Are you sure I do a mean burrito?

That's really offensive, dude.

Sorry.

Goodnight.

Clapping lights. Really?

What are you, 12?

Sky Mall baby.

Wakey wakey.

Hi.

Thanks.

So what's next?

Should we hire a wedding planner?

I was thinking that we could do a beach wedding,

if that's okay with you.

I don't know how you feel about sand between your toes,

but I was thinking we could go barefoot.

Oh, maybe we could do Kentucky Derby themed.

Oh God. I love when girls wear sundresses.

I mean boys, when boys wear sundresses.

Okay, okay. Just, just calm down.

I literally just woke up.

What, man? I'm excited.

Look, I've been thinking about my wedding my whole life.

It's like white roses everywhere.

Maybe we do like a live band.

I thought my wife's rack would be a little bit bigger,

but that's okay, I'll settle for yours.

Jesus, you need help, bro.

Let's just skip the festivities. Yeah?

I mean, no time to waste.

This process is gonna take years anyways.

Wait, what? Years?

Wait, why would this take years?

That doesn't even-

You okay?

Yeah, no, I just thought like,

I thought we would get married

and then, you know, you'd get your green card

and then we'd get divorced like a few months later.

Yeah, no.

Why would they let us do that?

Do you know how many people would try to do that?

I don't know.

I just didn't really think it was that big a deal.

It's a huge deal.

We're literally lying to the US government.

Hunter, what are you talking about?

You could pay a huge fine, possibly go to jail.

Dude, I, I'm not trying to force anything on you here.

All right. I'll figure it out.

I always do.

Yeah. Who's there?

Hide.

Where?

Turn on the shower.

What's up buddy?

Long time no see.

Yeah. What are you doing here?

It's kind of early.

I got a couple questions for you.

Two coffee cups, a clown nose.

And who's in the shower buddy boy?

Clearly Julia. Sherlock.

Hmm. So that's why you've been dodging me this whole time.

You dirty dog.

Yep. And we're going for round two when she gets out.

So what do you want?

I was wondering if you've seen our old pal, Javi.

Javi?

I mean, not since the reunion. Why?

Did he seem like he was in trouble or anything like that?

Trouble?

Er, no.

I mean, you know, Javi, the kid never gets into trouble.

Hm mm. Alright.

Well I have reason to believe

that Javi is an illegal alien residing in this country.

I know nothing about that.

You sure?

Alright.

You mind telling me what this is all about?

What are you following me?

Remember last year at Justin's party

when you blacked out and I had to come pick you up?

You shared your location with me?

Well, you never stopped sharing it,

but hey, what are friends for, right?

Okay. Come on.

You need to go.

Who's that?

Just.

Hey, I was just thinking about what you said and I,

and I felt really useless

because I obviously wanna be able to help too.

And I'm sorry, 'cause I feel like I've been pushing

you kind of out of the way and-

Hi Tracy.

Uh, Ryan. What are you doing here?

Was about to ask you the same thing.

'Cause I mean, if Julia's in the shower.

- Julia? - And you're here,

then you must be having like a threesome or something.

Where's Javi?

I don't know. I haven't seen him.

Is anything you said to me real?

Tracy.

Got it. Of course.

Tracy. I can...

That was awkward. What was all that about?

Get the hell outta here.

Okay, but hey, you guys still together or single?

Hey, give Julia my best.

Stupid.

Hey.

What was Tracy doing here?

You saw that?

Yeah. What did she want to help with?

I just needed some organizational help

with the apartment.

And she's good at that thing.

You're lying.

I'm not.

I didn't even know that you two still talked.

We just reconnected.

How reconnected, Hunter?

That's why. Huh?

What?

That's why you're doing this?

So that you can show Tracy that you've changed.

No, that's not true, man.

How could I have been so stupid?

My dad was right about you.

Javi, wait, just hold up.

Hunter, you can't just keep showing up here and thinking.

Javi, what are you doing here?

Hunter was lying. It was me in the shower.

He was lying to try to protect me,

but he clearly still has feelings for you.

Wait, why were you in the shower?

Hunter proposed to me.

He did what?

Yeah.

Okay, so like there's this whole immigration thing

going on right now and it's a really big mess.

And Hunter had this idea of like, "Hey, let's get married

and maybe we can like go through that."

And I, I'm so sorry I didn't want to involve you too much,

but like, I gotta get going.

Thank you. - Calm down.

Do you wanna just come in and talk to me about it?

Yeah. Okay.

We stayed, moved here and you know the rest.

Javi. I had no idea.

How could you? I never told you.

I could've asked.

And I wouldn't have told you anyways.

Wish I did earlier though. That felt good.

Thanks for listening, Tracy. You're really good at this.

Of course.

Hey, would you be okay if I wrote down your story?

Really?

You'd want to?

Of course.

I mean, it's so honest and brave

and I think we should share that.

Don't worry.

I won't have to publish it with your name or anything.

You know what? Let's do it.

They can't deport me for just existing.

I'm not gonna hide anymore.

I think I need to go talk to Hunter.

Oh, I don't know if he's serious.

I mean, if he was willing to give up all this

to protect you, I know he's serious.

You're good for him, Javi.

I'm too good for him.

How'd you find me?

You posted a photo of your cappuccino, idiot.

I know it wasn't Julia Murphy.

Javi told me the truth.

He did?

Yeah. So what's your plan to get him back?

I don't know. I don't have one.

Quit moping. Think.

I should just let him go.

I'm screwed up, Trace.

Can't do anything without putting myself first.

There are a million ways

you could have showed me that you've changed.

You saw your best friend was in trouble

and you stepped up to help him.

You're not screwed up. You're a mensch.

What the hell is a mensch?

A good person.

Someone with integrity and honor.

You get another chance with him. Don't blow it.

Mmm. Hmm.

Hello.

Hello, Javi.

Ryan?

Meet me outside.

Or?

I'll drag your father into this as well.

Lets go for a ride.

They give those all to crossing guards.

No, they do not.

But it is tax deductible.

Don't forget to buckle up.

You're an ass.

So what's the plan here after kidnapping me?

You'll see. You'll see.

Why are you doing this?

I knew you didn't like me,

but I didn't realize it was because you were racist.

Wait, I am not racist.

Okay, why don't, let's stop talking.

Alright, let's be quiet.

Alright. Thank you.

Okay. You're gonna love this place.

It's been in my family for a long time.

- Hunter. - Hey.

Hey, is Javi here?

Javi? No, no, no.

He said with Ryan.

Ryan?

Why would he take Javi?

God, that asshole.

Um.

Oh wait, the keys I gave Javi have a tracker on them.

Shit, he's at the cabin.

We have to go help him.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Did you get robbed?

As a matter of fact, I did. By you.

Take a seat please.

Honestly, I'm impressed.

Framing me for a robbery is beyond my expectations for you.

Right?

Yeah, it looks, it looks good. Thank you.

Alright, but the rope.

Shoot. Yeah, the rope.

Where's the rope?

Shoot.

Take your shirt off.

Is this really necessary?

Yeah. I gotta tie you up man.

Gotta make this believable.

All right. Good job.

Don't worry. I won't tie this too tight.

I'll make a call.

We'll get you right back to Mexico in no time.

Peru.

Whatever.

All righty.

Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you.

Obviously I did something to you.

Yeah, duh. You replaced me.

How?

Well, my dad liked you better than me for one.

I mean, he started you over me just to rub it in my face.

No, that's 'cause I was better than you.

Don't get cute.

You took my best friend away from me.

Hunter was my best friend before you showed up.

And he was my friend again after you disappeared.

And then all of a sudden you pop up outta the blue

and he's got no more time for me.

You really think Hunter's gonna want

to be your friend after all this?

Worked before.

Regardless, it's not about him. Right?

Those ICE agents, they told me

that they would bring me on board if I brought them

something and you are something.

So they're just gonna prop you up on their shoulders

and parade you around the office, huh?

Yeah.

Grow up.

They're just gonna take credit for deporting me.

I mean, that's not what they said, but whatever.

That's not what they said. Yeah.

Look regardless, you don't belong here, Javi.

Oh, and you do?

I mean, I don't know,

but you're not special.

Yeah. Neither are you.

Hunter, Tracy, me.

None of us are special.

I shouldn't have to be special to live my life.

You don't know what it's like,

constantly having to prove that you deserve to be yourself.

I didn't ask for this. Okay, Ryan?

I didn't ask for any of this.

I didn't ask to come to this country

and you, you didn't ask to be born here.

I'm an American just like you.

We grew up together. Remember?

We had the same teachers,

watched the same movies,

listened to the same music.

We're more alike than you think.

Is this Hunter's PlayStation?

It is actually.

You got that. Huh?

He told me he donated it.

Technically he did.

I used to get a lot of his old stuff.

Yeah, me too.

Well, maybe we could have been friends after all.

Look, I'm sorry to do this to you, Javi,

but um it's just business.

Hi. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's, um, it's, it's Ryan.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The.

Yeah. Yeah.

So I got the perpetrator apprehended here.

Yeah, I mean, I caught him trying to break into my cabin

and rob me, if you can believe that.

Yeah.

So just, you know, like, like what we talked about.

Just er.

Hello. Hello.

Okay, bye.

I, I told them to wait around the corner,

so they should be here any moment.

Anything I can get you in your last moments as an American?

Yo!

Ah!

Shit. I think I broke my finger.

You broke my nose, man.

Fuck your nose.

Tracy! Javi, are you okay?

Thank you.

Javi. Papi!

We gotta go, Javi. Come on.

Thanks. Pleasure.

Wait, wait. So I'm hired, right?

Like um...gonna bring me on board, you know?

Uh, give us a call tomorrow.

I think they're hiring a crossing guard

for the parking lot.

You can start there and work your way up.

You got something on your lip, by the way?

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Javier?

Dude.

Javier.

Hi. Yes.

You don't know your name?

Oh no. I, I do.

I just go by Javi.

Okay, well here it says Javier.

Any other names I need to know about?

Oh, just him, I'll deal with you later.

Do you have the supporting documentation necessary?

Bank accounts, lease agreements?

Yes.

So Javi, you are here today to apply

for a green card through your husband-

Hunter.

Hunter. Yes. Yes.

When did the two of you get married?

About a year ago.

Do you remember the date?

I'm bad with dates. I think it was July 21st.

I don't know. You tell me.

July 21st.

What color was Hunter's suit?

There you are.

Perrywinkle Blue.

Can you enter into the record

that I was actually really proud of that suit?

That's not how this works.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

You look like shit.

Thanks.

You're welcome,

Please.

Oh God. Is that?

Root beer and scotch.

Jesus.

Can't believe I used to drink that.

Yeah, you taught me well.

Don't ever listen to me again.

Where was the wedding?

Tracy's house.

Ugh.

Hunter and his freaking roses.

Tracy is?

My former paramour.

Aren't you gay?

Yes, your Honor. Super gay.

I answer in the affirmative. Men are my preference.

Javi, specifically, I find the female body grotesque.

Well, not you. You're actually quite lovely.

I'm not a judge, so please stop talking like that.

And let's refrain from mentioning my appearance.

Yes ma'am.

- Can I be honest with you? - Sure.

I'm terrified of you.

You should be.

And who married you?

George Hart. He's my professor and mentor.

Hey.

Oh gosh.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Of course. It's my honor.

He's been practicing in the mirror for a month.

I have not.

Are you two ready to do this?

Yes. I'm ready.

Okay. Wait, wait. My dad.

Got him right here.

Your father was deported, correct?

Yes.

Gracias, Papi.

We are gathered here today to join Javi

and Hunter in holy matrimony.

Hunter, would you like to state your vows?

Oh, that's okay. We didn't prepare anything-

I did actually...little.

Javi.

I made the worst decision of my life five years ago.

I wish we didn't lose all that time.

I vow to never leave your side again, even for five minutes.

- Well. - Not even five minutes.

You're my best friend. My compatriot.

And I'm honored to now call you my husband.

I love you, man.

Compatriot, huh? That's a big word for you.

I'm kidding.

Hunter, you're a true friend.

You made a scared kid from another country

feel comfortable on day one.

I'm forever grateful for that.

I love you too, man.

Are you?

Allergies?

You may now exchange rings.

Okay.

Phew. It fits.

By the power vested in me

and the commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Wait! You have to stomp on the wine glass.

It's good luck.

Are you Jewish?

Tracy is.

Hunter's ex-girlfriend?

Yes.

And what does she do?

Oh, she works for the local paper telling people stories.

For my quinceanera,

I wanted to have a pony, but we ended up with a clown.

Usually they're old men, but this one was a young woman.

Wow.

Yeah, that girl, she really,

she really gets around.

I now pronounce you husbands.

You may now kiss.

Mazeltov.

Thank you.

Yes. Yes.

What is it?

Oh, I just thought you'd want to see some photos.

Papers are so boring.

Cute.

Hunter, what side of the bed does Javi sleep on?

The left.

What kind of mattress is it?

A sleep number.

And what's Javi's sleep number?

I don't know.

He's always fiddling around with the damn thing.

I'm sorry, I, I can't decide.

Sometimes I'm a 70 other days I'm a 25.

All over the place.

- I|m a 45. - Me too.

Sorry.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Oh, we love strawberry.

Hunter does his thing.

He grabs two Oreos, puts it in a mug, crushes it,

and then we grab two scoops of strawberry.

It's delicious. You should try it.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Oh, I, I'm sorry. I just, I didn't.

What color is Hunter's toothbrush?

Well, that's a funny story.

We were at an Airbnb with some friends

and Hunter here thought

that his toothbrush wasn't his toothbrush.

- It's not mine. - Yes it is.

No, it's not.

Mine didn't have that silver streak on it.

Yes it did.

Why don't you go ask everyone if that's their toothbrush?

No, that's embarrassing.

You know what? I don't care.

Don't brush your teeth, okay?

- No! - Please.

That's disgusting.

It's less disgusting than using some stranger-

- It's yours. - No it isn't.

It looked weird.

It was the same white electric toothbrush

he's always used.

He was convinced it was someone else's.

So, whose toothbrush did you use?

Whose toothbrush did you use?

Mine.

You two shared a toothbrush.

Unfortunately.

So taking into account the documentation submitted,

the photos and your testimony,

especially that nauseating story,

I find that this application

can be approved.

You will receive a green card

within seven days to three months.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Thank you, your Honor.

You're a real mensch.

Wow. Young minds ready to be molded.

You're gonna be so great. Can't wait to hear all about it.

Thanks, Trace.

- Guess what? - What?

I just got word that my column

is supposed to come out tomorrow.

Is it? Did you figure out a title for it yet?

You'll see.

You want me to go in there?

I could make faces in the back of the class if that'll help.

No, I'm okay.

You got this?

Yeah. Go get 'em.

I'll see you later.

Your butt looks good in those pants.

Oh, oh!

I worry about him.

I know, he'll be fine.

Hi everybody.

This is US History 101.

I'm Javi Rivera. I'll be your TA.

Before we get started, does anybody have any questions?

Yes. How can I help.