Original subtitles

And then there's a big explosion and lots of bubbles.

That's where babies come from.

Oh, yeah, we're close enough.

I did the math one. It turns out every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a

pleasant meal together.

Hey, look at this.

I made a pea angel.

Oh, you're a pea angel.

Stop playing with your food.

Mom.

Don't you dare.

Relax. I wasn't really going to. Then don't.

I wasn't going to.

Then don't.

Well, don't accuse me of something that I wasn't going to do.

Interesting mood shift.

It would take hours to explain the psychology behind this.

So let me just put it this way.

Dynamite.

Kid with matches.

You're going to throw that, Mom.

I wasn't going to.

Oh, jeez, Louise.

Reese. Hal, I can handle this.

Reese, I'm warning you. I wasn't going to.

But if you think I would, then maybe I should.

Oh, good. Now he's panicking.

Just put the spoon down and apologize.

Okay. She gave him an out.

Apologize for what? I wasn't going to do anything. Just stop talking. Just stop

talking and let me think.

Dad, do something.

I got it.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm being cute and spontaneous.

Don't do it.

I wasn't going to.

Yep, this is a good dinner.

Yes, no, maybe.

I don't know.

Can you repeat the question?

You're not the boss of me now.

You're not the boss of me now.

And you're not so big.

You're not the boss of me now.

You're not the boss of me now.

You're not the boss of me now. And you're not...

Malcolm?

Yeah? Can I see you for a minute please?

Here, hand out.

Yesterday, I pushed my friend Stevie down some stairs.

Point taken.

What? Malcolm, I'm a little concerned.

You're doing very well in your studies, but I still sense an emotional distance

between us, and I hate it.

I'd really like us to try to connect.

On a deeper level.

Whoa, she is coming on to me.

I thought you were dating the janitor. Who told you that?

God, one drink and the... Never mind.

What I am trying to say is, I know you are parents.

I know you have a colorful home life.

So just remember, if you ever need anything at all, a sympathetic ear, a

shoulder to cry on, I want you to come to me.

Yeah, that's what I need.

Another mom.

Okay, great.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I gotta go.

Do the thing.

And then I do a robot Francis, but my crayon broke. And then I had a popsicle.

I mean, I had 12 popsicles.

You like popsicles, Francis?

Shut up, Dewey. Stop bugging Francis.

I'm so glad you're home.

You don't know what it's like being with these little kids all day.

It's the coolest thing.

It's the first time Francis is home from military school.

Mom and Dad are going off to some wedding.

And Francis has been charging us for the whole weekend.

I can't believe how much I miss him.

Hey.

He's so great.

Boys, the number for the hotel is on the counter.

I left money for pizza, but I want a receipt and exact change.

Well, that underwear is going to wrinkle.

You know... It's kind of nice having Francis back in the house, don't you

think?

Huh?

Nothing. You're just cute when you think you're being subtle.

Huh?

Of course it's nice having Francis home.

Well, it's been a few months now. Maybe it's time to, you know, think about it.

I don't know. Maybe.

Let's see how he does this weekend.

God, I hate this hairdo.

I don't even know why I bother trying to impress your family anymore. They've

always hated me.

Well, you are the one who stole their little Hallie away from them.

Better get moving.

And then it got away.

But it found another one. But it died.

And then... I said leave it alone, you butt munch.

Let me go.

Make me.

Listen for a second.

I just heard Mom and Dad. They're thinking about letting Francis come

home.

You serious?

Yeah. They want to see how he does with us this weekend. Okay? So we can't screw

up. Cool. Let's go tell them. No.

You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do.

I am warning you.

If you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school, and I mean it.

Really. Do you hear me?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Hey, Mom.

What's your dinner?

Right. What are we going to do?

We're going to be good, that's what. How do we be good?

I don't know.

Honestly, it's never come up before.

Look, we're just not going to do anything.

That way, we can't get in any trouble.

Honey, we're late. We better hit the road.

Fine. I'll shave my legs in the car.

Okay. I've marked all the liquor bottles, and we can taste when they're

watered down. I've locked out the smut channel on the TV, counted your father's

cigars. I've checked the odometer on the car. I know the exact balance of all our

credit cards. We love you, have a good time, and just remember, Dewey will tell

us everything you did while we're gone.

Uh, what your mother said, boys.

Minus one.

Don't even think about it.

Think about what?

She's bluffing.

Okay, I am going to show you guys the coolest thing you've ever seen.

Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron. I want to do we stuffed animals.

The furrier, the better.

Actually, we're kind of tired.

Tired? Yeah.

Tired. I'm not tired.

Okay, I'm tired.

Let's just go watch TV.

Whatever.

This plan better work.

The only thing worse than no TV is golf on TV.

Oh, come on, guys. Let's go outside.

Let's go do something.

No, they're only on the sixth hole.

They're only on the sixth hole.

Hello? Francis, bud, I heard you were in town.

You the man, Francis.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Same old, same old, man.

Oh. Circus says hi.

Dude, you're not gonna believe it. I finally moved out. I'm living in the

basement now. Total freedom, dude.

You mad, Francis?

Mom, she's supposed to knock.

Dude, we're coming over.

Okay. Hey, Richie and the guys are coming over.

Maybe they shouldn't. You know, Mom and Dad are gone. Okay, got it. Hey, Richie,

listen to me.

I'm watching my brother, so we gotta hang here.

And no parties, okay? I'm serious.

It's got to be just the three of you.

Huh. I wouldn't think only three guys could do so much damage.

Call us next time you're in town. You're the mayor of Francis.

Trying to seduce me.

I can't believe we're going to this wedding. What a waste of time. Oh, come

on. I promise it'll be fun. Hal, I'm not Dewey.

Sorry. But still, we're alone. We're away from the kids.

Right now, we're just two unencumbered consenting adults.

I say we enjoy it.

Yeah, you're right.

It will be nice to have some time for just the two of us.

And I'm going to love not having to yell at somebody every 20 seconds.

Either...

Absolutely deserved it.

I hate those guys.

Did you see Circus break that cinder block with his head?

That's a good lesson for you guys. It didn't break the first six times. Did he

quit trying?

No, sir.

Francis, we have to clean this up.

Yeah. No, I mean now.

If Mom and Dad see this, they'll freak.

They always freak.

I'm used to it. No, this is different. We have to clean off.

Okay, what's with you guys? I'm in charge here. I'm the only one who's

going to get in trouble. Just relax.

Well, I want you to come home.

What? I heard not my dad talking.

This weekend is like a test for you.

Or a trap.

If you do good, they may let you come home. And if you don't, they're going to

toss your butt back into military school.

Okay, look, I... Francis, it sucks around here without you.

Can't you just try for our sake?

Look, guys, I appreciate your sentiment.

But they're not going to decide my whole future based on how I behave over one

weekend without even telling me about it. It's too arbitrary. It's

unreasonable. It's Mom!

Okay, let's clean up.

It's perfect.

The house has never been this clean.

Uh-oh.

What? It's too clean.

You're right.

You'll never buy it.

Looks like we're the only ones who gave him five folders.

Oh, hi.

It's great to see you. You too.

You look terrific.

How long do you think it's been?

I don't know.

Will you excuse me?

Well, that was worth driving 600 miles for. Who was that guy?

It's the groom, Hal.

I wish people would wear name tags at these things.

Perfect. Nice touch with the breadcrumbs, Dewey. Huh?

I clipped my toenails on the coffee table.

Atta boy. She will never know a thing.

Wait.

Malcolm, you okay?

I think so.

Ow!

Hold still.

Come here. Let me see it.

Let me see it.

How does it look?

Not too bad.

Oh, man.

What's that white stuff? Is that bone? What?

Reese, get ice and some paper towels. Sit down. You have to put pressure on

it. Ow!

Ow! I'm sorry. I have to put pressure on it.

Reese, give me the ice. Come on. We got the ice. We got this.

Fine. Give me some antiseptic.

Don't answer that. Let the machine... Huh?

Hi, we're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.

He's in the bathroom.

Oh, well, let me talk to Malcolm.

He's in the bathroom.

They're both in the bathroom?

What are they doing in there?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Let's go to the hospital. No, you can't.

Mom and Dad will find out.

Malcolm, this is a head injury. You could have a concussion.

Concussion? I think he's making too much of this.

I'm not as fickle as the Hoogers.

No, I don't care. I'm not going to the hospital. Do you hear me? There is no

way that I... Get the car.

I can't see anything.

You want to get blood on the car?

Wait, we can't take the car.

No, no.

Mom checked the odometer, remember?

I'm on top of it.

I hate the 80s crap.

One good thing about a head injury, there's a good chance I won't remember

any of this. Oh, great. A one-way street.

How does that work if I'm going backwards?

And on this joyous day, as we celebrate the occasion of two souls joining into

one, and now... You think this is going to be one of those long surfaces?

What's wrong?

Did you know that your family has given me a nickname?

Really?

That's nice.

What is it?

Lois Common Denominator.

Hey, come on.

It's just that they've never seen anyone like you. I mean, you're honest and

unpretentious.

Direct.

You're baffled by that.

I'm the only one that gets you, Lois.

And frankly, I like that.

Kind of makes you my secret traitor.

Oh, hell.

Between the Lord and us, his servants, two people brought together in

love.

Oh, for God's sake, you kids again.

And a head injury.

You boys like to keep it interesting, don't you?

We kind of have a history here.

I was in the right place.

But it must have been the wrong time.

I said the right thing. But I was in the wrong life.

I was in the right world.

It seems like it's wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Look, Doc, about the bill.

Oh, don't worry. We'll send it to your parents.

Yeah, well, we were kind of thinking we'd pay for it now.

Okie dokie, but it's probably going to be about $400.

What? $400? Don't you have some kind of frequent customer discount?

Like at the car wash?

Or maybe we could work it off. We could empty bedpans or wash cadavers.

It's probably not nearly as cool as it sounds.

Sorry.

Well...

We're screwed.

Come on. There's got to be something we can do.

Someone we can call.

There's no one, Malcolm.

Actually, there might be.

But I'm not sure if it's worth it.

Oh, Malcolm!

Are you all right?

Sorry you took me so long. I was having a little short day when you called and I

had to take a cab.

Oh, God, I knew we made a deeper connection. I just knew it.

Now, I know it's going to be hard to turn against your parents, but in time

you'll see it. No!

You don't understand. My parents didn't do this. It was just an accident, and

they can't find out about it. What?

It's kind of complicated.

See, my parents are away at a wedding, and my brother's home from military

school to take care of us.

And, you know, I don't think people should be punished just because their

dad uses cheap mail.

And we need... We need $400, lady.

Will you let me talk?

We need the money for the doctor bill, because if my parents find out that I

got hurt, then they'll send Francis away, and we'll never see him again.

You know, we love him.

Malcolm, I can't do that.

But you said if I ever needed anything... Yes, I was talking about

emotional stuff.

Do you have any idea what a teacher earns?

I have $62 in my checking account.

They take credit cards.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm... I'm just sorry.

We can break her.

Guilt. Go for guilt. I got it.

That's okay.

Thanks anyway.

Well, Squirt, looks like I'm going to be going back to military school, and I'm

not going to see you for a really, really long time.

But I need you to be brave. Can you do that for me? Huh, Squirt?

Stop, Francis!

I wish I could, kiddo, but I can't.

I mean, Miss Dewey, it's just the way life is sometimes.

Please stop crying.

I know it does. It hurts me, too. Wait. I'll do it.

I guess Jamaica isn't going anywhere.

Where is my credit card?

It fell out of your wallet.

How did that happen? Let's go.

The processing room is right over there.

It's right here in the vending machine.

Thank you.

Why don't you take one for the team, buddy?

When we get home, you can eat ice cream until you puke.

Yay!

Yay!

Huh.

Well, I don't see any holes.

Crappy attempts to plaster him up. But I'm sure there's something.

There's always something.

What are you hiding underneath that hat?

Nothing. I was just wearing...

You boys.

That's it?

Do you guys think Francis did a good job taking care of us, then?

Oh, great job.

Yeah? Absolutely.

You know, Francis, we were having our doubts about that school, but it's

really matured you. In fact, I think it's the best decision we ever made.

Mom, 62,437.

Kid, zero.

So we get to see Francis again in a month or two. I know, it sucks, but we

gave it a shot.

And school's easier now, because Caroline won't even make eye contact

with me anymore.

So it wasn't a complete waste.

And Mama always said, it's not a wasted experience if you learn something from

it. And I definitely think I did.

Okay!