Original subtitles

No, no, no. Not the blowtorch again.

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

Not the blowtorch again. Oh, my ear!

That really burns!

No! No, no, no, no, no!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

That tattoo took like seven days, bro!

No!

No, no!

No, not my pinky toe!

No, no, that's my nipple!

- [bleep] - No!

Okie-dokie. This movie requires a little bit of context.

That's me. My name is Shane.

Wait, no, no, no!

And that is my beautiful wife, Emily.

So we did what any normal human would do.

And we made an entire movie with our best friends

and had as much fun as humanly possible.

Our therapist told us that this is a healthy coping mechanism.

They have not seen this movie.

Ralph, get off!

He still thinks he's like two.

- Po-po-pow! - Congratulations to our boy.

There we go.

I'm out. I have nothing.

Nothing left.

Does anyone have a lighter?

You guys liked the food?

And you're gonna pay for it?

...ding dong dishing?

Wait, no, not d-- a dining dish.

Let's get out of here!

We're committing felonies.

A bunch of people died.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's the Indian burial house.

I told you, don't put them in that house.

What? Oh, you didn't say they were foreign.

I'll rubber stamp it. I forgot. I really don't care.

So... Sorry about that.

Mark the sound guy, Amy the event planner.

I'm willing to bet you guys have loud and eventful sex.

Looks like we are pretty much good to go here.

Sorry, pretty much?

Well, looks bad that you guys both lost

your jobs during the pandemic. Yeesh.

Yeah, well, with COVID, anyone in entertainment

- hit a brick wall so it's-- - Mm-hmm.

Like exotic dancers and escorts.

I was thinking of our jobs, but sure, yeah.

Yeah, you were thinking of yourself.

I was thinking exotic dancers and escorts.

- Okay. - Congratulations on being

almost first-time homeowners.

Yay.

- Hooray. - Oh, my God.

- We seriously cannot wait. Um, so it is time - Okay.

for you to help us send the down payment. I have

- paperwork for you. - Yeah, we've never sent a...

You should be waiting an email from, um--

- from somebody in our office. - No--

Isn't that why you're here?

- Don't we just wire the money now since you're here? - No, go ahead.

This is important. This is chill,

- but what's happening here is important. - Is he--

Marshall, I feel like I don't have your full attention.

Yeah, I, uh-- yeah, I'm here. I'm for you.

We just keep getting emails from you, and then half the time it's from Roger.

- Or Brandon. Or Sarah. And it's really confusing. - And you never CC Mark...

- It's just killing my type A organizational brain. - Yeah.

Yeah, I wanna acknowledge

what you're both saying, and to be honest,

it's 'cause we're beyond shitty at our jobs.

All of us. We suck.

We're worthless.

Wait, that's too mean-spirited.

Yeah, I'm also getting floored mentally by the pandemic,

and I have no time for self-care.

I'm consuming a lot of content about cephalopods,

anything that has tentacles,

- I'm big into. - Yeah, that's more like it.

Well, I am so glad I insisted on doing this in person.

Really, really special, and so rare these days.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, cool.

Yeah, they're in.

So that's it? He's gone?

Get him! Get him! Come on! No!

It's two against one, not fair!

There he is! He's pinned. Let's get him.

- Hey, get Deadbolt ready. - Okay.

Not again! Come on!

Let's do a combined power-up. One, two, three.

Come on!

Die, you filthy dick!

Six feet under, bro!

Too slow, you actually dropped dead, Fred.

I'm gonna kill you!

Oh, you're gonna kill us?

- Do you swear? - Do you swear under oath?

Because the last time I checked, I--

I think we just killed you again.

You need way better gear.

Deadbolt is by far the best axe in the game.

Yeah, but the only way to get Deadbolt is if you have

like 15 hours a day to play the game.

Yeah. It's the one item you can't buy.

You have to actually earn it by being good at the game.

I'm level 74!

You obviously bought your account.

You're not actually 74.

Who let you play this game?

Is it those silly gooses down at the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

Hey, no. No, no, no, no. Hey, we're gonna go again, alright?

What are you saying? I think you're glitching out. I--

I just-- I can't hear your whining over your mom's moaning.

I bet your lap smells like piss because

your micropenis aim is so bad.

Go buy a better account, you punk-ass biatch!

Hey, come say that to my face, you little shit!

Ralph, we went too far. Listen, I apologize

for everything we said. We do have to go.

We're gonna go play some burn victims with no hands,

so there's more of a challenge.

Hey, if you boot me from the server,

it'll be the biggest mistake of your lives.

Oh, I'm gonna find your IP address.

I'll find out where you live. I--

Bitch.

Okay.

You've brought this upon yourselves.

It's time to find out where you live.

I just got an email that you two are weeks behind on homework,

skipping class, failing tests.

How are you failing online school?

Uh-- 'cause it's pointless.

Dad, we learn more watching murder documentaries

than anything Obesemus Fatson's

gonna teach us on Zoom from her bed.

Okay, so as liquid it means death,

but as air it means we can knock someone out.

This is the shit they should be teaching in school.

No, you're right. It's like a step-by-step on how to get away

with kidnapping and killing someone.

- Yeah! - Let's go!

The smart ones bring down the house at the end.

Fire solves everything.

Okay. If you want to make it in the world,

in the real world,

you have got to get your hands dirty. Okay?

You can't keep spending all day watching TV,

- playing Thunder Siege, making your weird videos. - Okay.

We have 20k followers.

I claim this car for mine!

What are you doing?

- What the hell? - Freddy, what are you? Freddy--

Hey, what are you guys doing? Hey!

I'm sorry, brother.

Brother. Being stabbed hurts.

I loved thee, brother!

I mean, you did-- You did stab me!

I just did it to kill you. I-- I'm sorry.

Quite frankly, I don't know how you accidentally stab somebody.

Cough! Cough! Dramatic!

- This is it, brother. - Brother, I'm so sorry.

Do not let mom and dad go through my search history

or the top left drawer of my dresser.

No! No! No!

We've gone viral like three times.

And that's supposed to, um, support your argument?

Well, we're not asking you to understand it.

'Cause you guys are old as shit.

We just want you to respect it.

Dad, you make videos for a living.

Let's go ahead and see where it got us.

Unemployment ran out, we lost our health insurance,

and we had to sell Prism Pal vacuums

during the pandemic just to provide for you.

So y'all like chocolate milk?

Oh, yeah. God bless. I put vodka in mine.

- Amen. - Taste like a little milkshake.

I was being sarcastic. This jug is filled with

poo, dirt, hair--

I'd drink it for five bucks.

- He will, too! - I will do it.

- He packs, and he loves bets. - The whole thing.

And if I throw up, it still counts.

- Can we get the good cup? - Get the good cup.

- Watch out, girl. - We're going-- We're going--

- Don't spill any. - Oh, I heard a splash.

- You-- You're being serious. - You're gonna make a sale today, all right.

- Does it clean up blood? - I'm sorry, sir?

Does that clean up blood?

Does it c-- Yes. Yes.

With the Breathing Happy Cleaning Solution,

Prism Pal gets 99.9% of all

- airborne and contact bacteria. - Mama, mama!

Hush, Willie Mae. God likes a quiet woman.

Can I go in the backyard and use my gun?

Maybe after supper.

Who'd y'all vote for?

- Say the right answer, and we'll buy you a little vacuum. - We really need the sale.

We voted for America.

You're goddamn right.

It's safe to say we have all had a major identity crisis this year,

and we are all frustrated.

Your father goes in to donate bone marrow tomorrow,

- and it is a major surgery. - Dad gets to use some bone again.

- Great. - I'm-- I'm sorry.

We don't-- We don't hear the bed squeaking anymore.

Can you just do your homework, and then once it's done,

we will send you the daily password, okay?

Freddy, Mom's right. Let's just go grab my knife so

- they can cut our nuts off, too. - Yeah, and then let's go to our

totally life-changing homework so we don't end up selling

toasters in a loveless marriage.

Well, good. It looks like we got through to them.

Come on, guys. Give me a challenge.

Oh, wait. What's this?

Putting a down payment on a house?

Oh, and they haven't sent it?

20K? Oh, I'm gonna steal your parents' shit.

Let's make a fetch bank wire thing.

Woo! I'm gonna steal all your shit.

Thunder Siege!

Open up a-for papa.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, this is just too easy. Scorched earth.

A million eight and left no crumbs.

Here I am, about to be 20K richer,

'cause your stupid kids run

their stupid little mouths.

Send.

Hey, babe.

Hm? I'm in here.

Um, the email came in from Sarah

for the down payment.

Tight.

Tomorrow, the notary arrives at 10 AM,

then we have the inspector's bill.

Mark, are you listening?

- Clicky-click. Stealy-steal. - Yeah.

Can you forward me the email?

Because they didn't CC me again.

Or Patrick Real Estate.

Like, this company sucks, dude.

Can nobody do their job during COVID?

Huh? Oh, you want me to do my job? Tentacles.

Hey, listen. I know this has been tough,

but not everything has to be a battle.

Right?

I'm sorry.

You wanna buy a house?

Let's buy a house.

Okay. I triple-checked on my end.

Looks good to me.

Shall we send it together?

- Three. - Oh, three.

Two.

One.

Sent.

We just bought a house.

We bought a house?

We bought a fucking house!

See? Money sent.

Not everyone is a slimy, sleazy, miserable, worthless

pathetic pompous douchebag

with a pleasureless micropeen purposefully

trying to ruin our life.

The type of criminal is what we call a chameleon.

Always changing...

...stolen identities...

...multiple fraudulent bank accounts.

His hacker name is The Chameleon so--

so there's-- there's that-- that.

The two of us have been tasked with finding

El Camaleón for the last three years.

I'm Lieutenant Lucia Luna of Hillsborough County.

My name is Detective Don Dugas

and I'm a digital forensic specialist.

El Camaleónpreys on people's good hearts,

which makes him a scum of the earth in my book.

During Hurricane Sally I donated to a GoFundMe

to rescue animals, $40,000.

I'm gonna get that son of a bitch.

He took 80k from my vet clinic. Asshole.

It stated that we were

door-dashing to New York, Ohio and LA.

Our vet clinic is here. We're in Florida.

We haven't moved our vet clinic.

I'm gonna find you, little fucker.

You wanna know what happened to me?

I went to go reach in my pocketbook.

My pocketbook was stolen.

Our router got hacked so we lost access to all of our streaming.

Yeah, he literally just walked in here dressed as one of our doctors,

stole our clinic cat Figaro expecting some kind of

reward later on or something like that.

Joke's on him, though. That cat is crawling with ringworms,

just like that dog.

What a beautiful day in Clearwater Beach.

Time for some cereal.

Ugh, gross.

They can't see it. Turn it. Turn it.

Cereal boxes can be a problem.

They expect a thin layer of cardboard to keep, ke--

To keep out creatures such as...

And whatever this thing is.

- This stupid thing is jammed. - My leg! Oh!

Help me! Help me!

- Can you see yourself in the mirror? - No we're good.

Okay, then we're fine. All right.

Hi. Freddy Rumble here.

Has this ever happened to you?

You're trying to make a nice bowl of cereal in the comfort

of your own home when you get attacked

by a demon manatee shark who rips your arm off?

And what's worse?

It gets cereal-- It gets--

Fuck! It gets blood in your favorite breakfast cereal?

Well, not anymore with Dr. Donkey Balls

bloodproof cereal boxes.

Our cereal boxes are made to withstand any amount of blood.

No blood at all will get in our cereal boxes.

None at all.

Bloodless. Can your cereal boxes do that?

I don't think so.

Our cereal boxes can.

Buy Dr. Donkey Balls bloodproof cereal boxes.

God damn it.

- Did we get it? Is that good? - Yeah, I think so.

What is going on? Guys, what is all this?

Hi, Mark. We're making a video.

I'm this manatee that like turns into this werewolf.

Mm, don't you guys have online school?

Today I learned in school that

the age of consent in Florida is 16 to 24.

So we're basically good to go.

- Would you like to get married? - Guys...

this camera is very expensive.

I'm gonna take that please.

And these are my hero props

which cannot get wet

and the boys know this.

Dad, dad, dad, I'm telling you

we're being careful. It's fine, okay?

Yeah, I think I can afford

a couple more bucks.

Are these sticks for sale?

Yes, yes they are.

- Um, go clean this up. - Okay.

- Oh, uh, here you go. - Oh, oh, yeah.

You know what, I trust you.

I'm really sorry about losing my cool with the kids.

- It's just been a lot. - Don't worry about it.

And don't be too rough on 'em.

They're good kids.

And they got a great dad

who would do anything for 'em.

Oh, this is yours.

Take good care of her.

I will. Thank you very much.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

Thank you.

My dad died.

Isn't that great?

Anyway, Big Richard passed, so

now it's me, Little Dick.

He was your landlord, now I'm your landlord

and I'm just here to check in to see

if you can move out earlier than three weeks.

We'll be out on the 21st.

Like I keep emailing your company,

my wife has the contract and everything.

Contract? Are--

Do you have it in your possession, the contract?

My wife keeps a copy of everything.

Damn it. Okay, son of a bitch.

Contract...

I'm way over my head

in a lot of different areas,

and I have a bit of a small

luck problem when it comes to my gambling problem.

Sorry, we're kind of in the middle of something.

Great, I wish you the best.

Do I know you?

No, I'm sure you don't.

You look so familiar. Are you an influencer?

No, no, no. I'm from up north.

Up north, Tallahassee.

Um, if you need to get a hold of me,

you can call me on my cell phone, I'll--

or-- or just stop by the nightclub

right down the street, Stalactite.

Guano everywhere. Real, not fake.

In a nightclub? Fun for, like, ten minutes.

- Do you do drugs? - Um...

- I'm not-- - Secret's safe with me.

You son of a bitch.

Hey, I'll be back in 15 minutes to check

and see if you've changed your mind.

I own this place too. Isn't that crazy?

Did Dad give us the wrong password?

'Cause I keep trying it but it's not working.

I don't know. I'm still kind of just living off our data at the moment.

What's happening?

- Well, what is it? - I clicked this link and now all this weird stuff

is popping up on my phone, dude.

I-- I don't know. I think we got hacked.

What the hell's happening?

- No, no, no, no. You're messing with me. - What?

No, d--

Ralph, all of our bullshit homework is gone.

No, no, no. All of our videos have been deleted.

How did this happen? What do you mean?

- Look, look, look. I swear. - Are you pranking me?

- Mom and dad are gonna ground us for life. Ralph-- - I swear. Under oath.

Well, check your email again because I sent it

- to LowerCase - Yes, I have it all right here.

- Title. - Yes, LowerCase Title. Here we go. Here it is.

Oh, no, I think I found

some clarity for you.

See, the Sarah that works for us is S-A-R-A, no H.

This email came from an S-A-R-A-H.

With an H. It's fake.

Someone made up an email that looked legit and tricked you.

It's been happening a lot during COVID...

- You're not special. - Um, we are first-time homebuyers.

You didn't think you should warn us?

Well, my scoutmaster taught me,

"My money, my responsibility."

It is the responsibility of you, the homebuyer,

to double-check everything before

you initiate the wire transfer.

We didn't notice the letter H in the name Sarah,

and that's our fault?

Yeah, exactly.

You guys get it. Cool.

We have everything on here.

Dude-- Oh, God, no.

Freddy and Ralph Rumble.

Your digital lives are over.

Thunder Siege, Deadbolt, Consensual Taco,

everything is mine.

You didn't just have your entire life savings stolen, did you?

Fuck off!

Amy, there is no need for such foul language.

But if that's the way you want it,

if we don't get the money by tomorrow,

you lose the house.

Sorry to stop the ride, but this bullshit happened too.

All right, keep going.

Toodles.

Like, we literally can't afford to have this happen.

- I paid the power bill. - Wait, there was an address on the transfer.

Yes, two, three, um.

Here it is, okay. 237 Overlook Drive,

Rob-- Rob Huberton?

All right, this is good.

We have a name and address.

The banks are going to help us.

Right, this is what they do.

You're right, we're gonna be fine.

We're gonna be fine.

No, no, it took us years to get Deadbolt.

All that hard work for nothing.

Brother, I have never known anger like this.

Brother, we must enter battle.

We are going to kill him!

He took everything away from us.

- Bite Flix. - He took Deadbolt.

We have watched every fucking murder documentary worth watching.

We know exactly what to do.

Freddy, grab the chemicals.

I'm gonna need a shit ton of spray paint.

We all know I'm an expert at drawing penises.

He's the Picasso of penis.

- Wait, Freddy, you drew that? - Nobody else could.

If there were the Olympics for drawing penises,

I would make Michael Phelps look like a penis because I drew it so expertly.

We cannot match wrong with wrong.

That might be a fake name and address.

And then we would just be drawing penises, as truly remarkable

- as they are, way to go, dude, - Like, that is an amazing penis. Really.

on a priest's house or something.

- Wouldn't be the first time. - You know what, Dad is right.

This is a very, very real problem.

Okay, we're gonna call the cops, then we're gonna call the bank of the morning.

They said that if we don't give them another 20K

by tomorrow, then we lose the house.

- Can they do that? - Yeah, I'm still here.

I didn't leave the meeting. I just stopped video.

One thing about me, I like to lurk.

Did you guys get your money back?

All right.

Well, I'm never seeing those losers again.

Okay, well... shit, now what tonight?

Or this weekend, or--

Ooh, okay, I know what I'm gonna do.

I am gonna steal from the LGBTQ community and female filmmakers.

Like, it's not just the fact that we were robbed, you know? Like...

...we were tricked, like... I feel so stupid.

No, hey, "we." It's "we."

We both missed it, so...

Okay, well, you donate bone marrow tomorrow

and I start my work back up.

Like, we don't have any time to fight this.

I know, I know, I'll... sell the rest of my gear.

Or maybe we get-- no one's gonna give us a loan.

I don't know, I-- I'm being a downer.

No, like-- Just--

I know...

I mean, we--

Like, we paid our dues, you know?

We did everything right.

I just--

Like, they stole our damn Prism Pal money.

They did that.

I know.

Oh, man.

This is bad.

And you need to sell one more of these

to get a new home or something?

Yeah, we just need...

...one more sale and then we can finally afford a house.

Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you, kid.

I'm gonna buy two, because I'll put one in this room

and one for the room where I watch the hockey games.

- It'd be great. - Are you serious?

Life is not a bowl of cherries, you know that.

It's crap sometimes, it really is.

You go-- you're ups and downs, man.

I'm happy to do this for you and it better work.

It will, it will. You're like the first nice per--

- Thank you. - Good luck to you and good luck to your wife.

This means the world. Thank you, Phil.

You got it. Go buy your goddarn house.

You got it, Phil, thanks, man.

Appreciate it, appreciate it.

I promise...

...it's only gonna hurt a lot.

How long have you been down here?

I'm not gonna apologize.

- BS! - And...

...to start off this video I'm gonna ask you a question.

Do you like Red Vines or Twizzlers?

I gotta say Red Vines.

- High five. - Okay.

Sorry if it's a little blurry, but it should say...

And it's backwards because, um...

You ready, hon?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Looks like we got your records...

Ralph and Freddy.

You little shits.

Alright, I wanna check what you got.

- What's that, Ralph? - Oh...

I think I'm getting notes of...

...little bitch!

Let's see what you got, Freddy, huh?

What you got?

Oh...

I own your lives.

I'm the one and the only, Pound Sanders, co-founder of Consensual Taco.

- I am Sin-uh-bun, and... - Mmm.

I am an actress.

- The best actress. The best. - The best actress.

- I mean, who does, right? - Nobody knows.

All I know is he's a son of a bitch.

He slides, like, right into my DMs,

and they took a bunch of money from me.

- Yes, please, thanks, babes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chameleon made me feel like I never really felt before.

I'd stomp the living shit out of them.

Well, we'd film it.

- Yeah, we would totally film it. - Of course.

Right? That would-- Make some money off of it.

A shit ton of money.

Freaking Chameleon? This is for you.

Don't trust anybody in your DMs.

- Babes. - Yeah? Mm.

Did you check who these people are?

- No. - Could they--

Could they be the...

I think you have a point, baby. Who are you?

- Who are you? - What--

He's not looking at us.

This interview's over.

Sorry. I'm a teensy bit late.

We've been waiting three hours.

We?

Mark, get up. Get up.

Mm-hmm. I'm awake.

It was easier for me to wait down there.

Did you get shot in the ass?

No, I, um, donated bone marrow to

potentially save an eight-year-old's life.

Oh.

I thought it was gonna be a cool story.

The chance of you getting your money back is-- it's 5%.

- What? - 70 million people got hacked in 2020 alone.

Bad guys almost always get away with it.

But you guys clicked the link when we texted you

asking if it was you.

So it's our fault for being tricked?

Yes, exactly.

Dude, I didn't even get her number.

Uh, looks like this transfer shouldn't

have been approved. Whoopsies.

Yeah, so like, totally give us our money back.

Oh, unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

- I don't wanna fight anymore. - Twenty times that...

- No, you're right, it's nothing. - And if I'm worked up, it's

- because my homo-goblin went... - Okay, it's-- Babe.

- What? - It's hemoglobin.

Thank you for interrupting me and correcting me.

It's my favorite when she does that.

- Right. - And this is how it starts.

Being hacked can really change the way you view the world

and the systems that were meant to protect you.

If anyone knows how you feel... it's us.

Yeah, we have some really dope documentaries about people

getting tricked and having their lives totally ruined.

You should really check those out.

Hey, Adelina, you've solved

our problem completely.

Can I please get your number?

Oh, Mark and Amy are like,

"Yeah, we're stupid

and we'll just approve our transaction

and not look at our emails."

Then your money's gone.

So it's our fault for being hacked?

Yeah, exactly. Cool.

So, Mr. Muscles--

I'm so sorry. That-- That was my pet name for--

Is my pet name for my--

my husband-- My ex--

See, I don't even know how to refer to us anymore.

- I-- - I'm so sorry.

This is so unprofessional.

Don't-- don't start with the poetry.

The love that once burned bright for one another

hath been doused by our Hacker's misdeeds.

Hey, bite him... Bite, bite, bite.

That is so hot.

We searched for another light.

Alas.

So now you, not us,

you have to prove that it's not buyer's remorse.

I'm gonna freeze the account for now,

place the money in a Fetch holding,

we conduct our investigation,

should take a few months to sort all this out.

Wait, wait, hold on. We don't-- we don't have a few months.

When I say months, I really mean never.

Even with the strong arms of the law,

we couldn't find our Hacker.

So there's really nothing you guys can do for us.

Some stupid-ass bullshit.

We have scary lawyers and time on our side.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

No, you're a lifesaver, Doug.

Thank you, sir.

Y'all have a blessed day.

Dude, why can't everything be this easy?

That was actually super easy.

That was him again, wasn't it?

Can you see me?

Uh, no, you're good.

Hi, Freddy Rumble here.

Has this ever happened to you?

You think someone look like one thing,

but then they actually turn out to be a chameleon.

My people will rule your pathetic--

Your people won't rule shit when I have a magic wand.

No!

Looks like that chameleon...

...is chamale-off.

Hey, Ralph.

Yeah?

I think we might be responsible for some of this.

Yeah.

Well, this doesn't appear to be a good situation.

Storage unit is full.

You two are lifesavers. Boys.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, Mom, I can-- - Oh, my gosh, Kate!

- No! Are you okay? - Yeah.

No, you could have seriously hurt yourself.

Don't be doing that kind of stuff.

This could go out the top, so it's like--

No, no, no, no, no, no. Cash away.

- No cash. - Yeah, we're happy to help.

Nova, can you make sure the car is locked?

- It is locked. - No, can you make sure

the car is locked?

- You have the keys. - Here you go.

- Okay, I'ma-- I'm sorry. - Bye, toodles!

Bye, honey. Boys, can you help me

bring in the important stuff? I don't trust anything in the car.

- Why can't Dad do it? - Yeah, why can't Dad just do it?

Yeah, why can't Dad help, lazy bag of bones?

Because he's already done too much,

and I gave him double the pain pills

so he can take a coma nap.

Comas are my favorite.

Oh, Jesus.

Right...

Which one of you is, um... Marshall?

Put your hand back down.

I think you have the wrong room.

Uh, leave. Exit.

Yeah. Thank you.

Beautiful woman. Thank you.

I'm gonna make an executive decision, okay?

You are gonna take a nap with your husband,

and you're gonna enjoy it.

Uh, I know you have work tonight.

The Halloween party, the boys

can hang out with us tonight.

- Boobs. I mean, tits. - Hell yeah.

Oh, my God, honestly, a nap sounds so nice right now.

- Yeah. - Um...

if they start humping your leg,

you have permission to kick them hard.

- No, they're harmless. - So I can hump your leg?

- Good night, boys. - Playtime outside.

- Yay! - I hid a ball somewhere out there.

Who can find it first?

Yeah, Freddy, you love balls.

I'm totally comfortable with tasteful nudity.

- Just if the script calls for-- - Freddy, I swear to God.

Go to the car. I left something in the motel room.

- She touched me. - Dude, she definitely likes you.

I'm telling you, she's into you.

Have you seen how well, like, you can get girls?

Dude, I'm telling--

Listen, there is precious little time to explain.

I'm not a babysitter. I'm CIA.

Oh, my gosh, this is hot.

We have been deep undercover for years

trying to track down this sick puppy,

not getting so much as a whiff.

We?

I'm her superior officer.

You're looking at the best undercover agent the CIA has got.

Ho-- How is this possible?

I have...

So even though I look 14,

I'm really a...

The Chameleon has been making our lives hell for years.

God, you two are the only ones to be able to sniff him out.

And I pray to God that you have another trick up your sleeves.

Except this time, you have the full support

of the United States government.

So please, for the love of all humankind,

tell me you have some sort of plan of attack.

Hell yeah, we do.

Rob Zamo is trickery and misdirection.

We have to beat him at his own game.

We dress up in Prism Pal polos,

so we look like salespeople,

but we're actually revenge-filled karma people.

Yeah, but he lives in a gated community.

Security cameras galore. Even the CIA

can't get past those neighborhood security guards.

Okay, but Prism Pal customers schedule in-home demonstrations.

So if we make a request in his name,

the guard has to let us in.

If not, I'll shoot him.

Collateral damage is to be expected.

- Hell yeah. - I just don't see him letting

- two teenage boys into his house. - Why not?

You're five foot nothing with the voice of a dying pigeon.

Hey! Hey.

And you, you look like Ugly Hagrid.

This is so us. This is why I love you.

It could work if we put a mask...

- Cover their faces. - ...or something.

Cover it all.

- So you would go-- - Stop resisting!

I am sorry.

I'm so sorry. It's programming. Programming.

Looks like I'm gonna have to do all the talking.

Break it down.

In theory, once these two are mixed together

and then in the air, it should just knock him out.

How do we know if it works?

I'm two steps ahead of you, Kate.

I have no idea if this is safe.

Great.

I'll do it. If I die, that'll, like, totally suck.

But... hopefully, I just fall asleep.

So... put it on before I change my mind.

Guys, this is a lot of pressure.

She's gone.

She died for her country.

I'm just kidding. She's not dead.

- So hot! - Don't be so funny.

- Shut up! Get back to work! - Yep.

- Sorry, ma'am. - Okay, yep.

- Shit. - Not much of a visor guy, but I can pull this off.

Hey. Chill out.

Dad's... asleep. We don't want him to wake up.

What size is that?

- I'll just be quiet. - I think it's really cool.

Hey, boys. Shh.

Come here.

Take a knee.

I owe you boys an apology.

For what?

Your videos are so insane and unique

and a lot of people aren't gonna understand them.

But they don't matter.

Because a lot of people will.

Art is good.

And when you put good into the world, it comes back.

Don't let anybody stop you from making your videos.

Myself included.

I am really proud of you two.

Go on.

Tis your time.

Hi, good afternoon.

What's good about it?

Um, we're here to see Rob Huberton

for a scheduled Prism Pal demo.

- Name? - Jody Zisimopoulos.

- It's with a Z and an X. - Not on the list.

Um, maybe it's under Prism Pal.

You're not on the list... you're not getting in.

Bunch of cruddy kids,

dirty polo t-shirts.

Just slowly back out of my line.

Have a nice day, all right?

Hey, you're a Tom Brady fan.

Ye--

Hello? Of course I'm a Tom Brady fan.

The man who led the Bucs to the Super Bowl

his first year with the team.

Brought all his guys down to Florida

for a good time for a party.

- Right? - Took my dad to the game.

We cried like babies when they won, okay?

I love Tom Brady.

Sir, my grandma is sick in the hospital.

And we need one more sale to afford her surgery.

The city of Tampa believed in Tom Brady.

And I believe that you can be our hero today.

All it takes is one man in the face of adversity...

...to open the gates to destiny.

Kid...

...you changed me today.

For me, being a hall monitor in school until now,

I spent my entire life hoarding my gatekeeping powers

over anybody who was gonna walk through a threshold

that I was sworn to protect.

Now I need you to save your precious meemaw.

And she's gonna ask what happened today.

And you all tell her, security guy Jeremy,

he's the one that gave you that key.

Go Bucs.

Go Bucs.

Go Bucs.

Go Bucs.

I shall find cover behind the enemy and wait for the signal.

Fail... we shall not.

Brother, this is our destiny.

Go on.

Tis your time.

I have 20 "No Soliciting" signs. Fuck off.

Hi. We're-- We're not solicitors.

We're actually here for your scheduled Prism Pal demo.

I didn't schedule anything.

Really? Well, we have it

right here on this little tablet.

Ta-- Where's-- Where's the tablet?

Oh, I don't-- I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know where?

- I don't know. - That has 200 people's

- personal information. - Let me look!

Brian, you cannot lose that tablet.

- Stop pressuring me. - It's not even password protected.

Okay. Can you stop shouting?

I found the tablet with 200 people's names on it.

Yo, welcome to the party crib.

Come on in. You can set-up your shit up in there, but that's off limits.

And-- and shoes off 'cause I'm not a scrub, so... you know.

Hey, and sorry for the mess.

I was up last night raging.

Oh, that's cool.

- I'm Owen Collinson. - Owen Collinson.

Wow, it is so wonderful to meet you.

My name is Jody. This is my associate, Brian.

- Hi. - Yeah, hey, you don't need

to wear those bullshit masks in here.

- You know they don't do anything, right? - Oh, totally.

Our company makes us, though.

- You single? - Vaxed and waxed.

Hell yeah. Everyone loves a slip and slide

more than rolling around in the crab grass.

You feel me, Brian?

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

All right, stud. Class is in session.

- Listen to the teacher. - Well, wait, don't I need to, like,

put my info in-- in the tablet there?

Please hold all questions until the end of the presentation.

Thank you so much.

Prism Pal has four settings.

- Level one... - Oh-hoh!

...it traps airborne dust

and water straight from your faucet

instead of in a dry HEPA filter like in your vacuum.

Oh, man, this shit rips.

Can I smoke out of this thing?

Level two,

with our "breathing happy" solution,

- it eliminates odors and kills - Woah.

99% of all airborne germs.

Are you feeling all right?

Um...

Here's level three.

Hi, Rob Huberton.

You will never hack again!

Ah, you bitch!

Oop.

Are you feeling all right, sir?

Come on, search him.

Guys, how long do you think he's going to be out?

Phase one complete.

Come on, let's balance the scales.

Why is this fake?

Oh, do you guys smell that?

- What is that? - Did you fart?

- What? No. What-- - What are you--

Oh, I feel something slippery down here.

- What is that? It's just-- - Oh, it's all slimy. Ew.

- Oh! Oh, God! - What? What!

- What is that? - Oh, my God, he pooped his pants.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, dude, no way.

Oh, my God, why does it smell like that?

We ought to keep searching.

Guys, wait, there's keys.

- No. Stop. - Hey, we got his car keys.

- Stop, stop. What is-- - Oh!

- Don't throw that at me! - Stop throwing shit!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

- Ugh! Get it off me! - You got it on my shirt.

- Oh! - Oh, my God. Stop touching him!

- Wait, but that's more-- - Oh, shut up.

- You better not throw that at me, Freddy. - Guys.

Guys, it's okay.

There's nothing on it.

It doesn't have shit on it, look.

Oh, God, it's on the back!

How the fuck are we getting him outside, guys?

Get him downstairs super quiet and sneaky.

I want a clean job here.

Ugh... God.

What the fuck, come help!

Jesus Christ!

The trunk.

The trunk. The trunk.

Okay, the trunk.

Let-- The trunk, throw him in.

Can you tell us your name and what happened?

My name is Kari Rosbeck,

president and CEO of the TSC Alliance.

Tuberous sclerosis complex,

TSC, is a rare genetic disorder that causes tumors

to grow throughout the body.

Our mission is to...

Last year, the creators of Thunder Siege,

the biggest video game in the world,

donated a one-of-a-kind replica of a weapon

called Deadbolt for our annual fundraiser,

which we were so excited to have in our live auction

because we knew it would raise a lot of money,

a lot of excitement,

and really drive the success of the entire event.

Sadly, someone dressed up as a janitor tricked us

and stole it before the event.

I'm sorry. I just-- I need a minute.

It's alright. Cut, cut.

Dude, there's hard drives.

This could have our family's money on it.

I don't know. This looks important, though.

- Dude. - What?

- Is this legit? - No way!

This is legit UNDEROATH gear.

This is the guitar from Jannus Landing.

You know the one that was stolen?

The one that our show got canceled for?

Uh-huh. They couldn't do the show 'cause

everything was stolen from the backstage the night before.

Wait, they found our gear?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, can we-- can we have it back?

Who in their right mind is going to steal something

just because they like it and think it looks cool?

I would never do that.

Hey, dude, look out the window.

Which-- uh--

We're gonna steal the ever-living shit out of that.

I had no doubt in my mind.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Brother. - What?

We gotta bless this quest.

No, you're right, you're right.

Before time was time, or space was space,

'twas written in stone that you...

Would keep us safe.

Go on.

- Tis your time. - Thou would allow me?

A youngling.

Youngling. Tis not a jest.

And this guitar is also really heavy.

- Oh, dude, no, no. You're right. - So it's just one of those things.

- Yeah. - I don't want to have to carry two things at once or else.

- Okay, I'll-- I-- I got that. - Just be careful.

All right, yeah, go for it.

You guys found Deadbolt?

You know Deadbolt?

...you fucking piece of shit!

Ah! Ah! Whoa--

- Kate? - Mommy!

- Mom, you had a revenge plot too? - Oh, my god.

- Yeah. - This is a wonderful twist.

You look really hot.

Hello, friends.

Have you seen my daddy?

Oh, no.

Daddy's my hero.

I love him so much.

Hold on, does he have kids?

He would do anything for us.

He says so every day before church.

Right?

- Yeah. - If they went missing...

Kids go missing all the time.

She is right, kids do go missing.

Kids go missing all the time.

He says he'll be able

to afford my medicine soon.

COVID has just been tough on him lately.

Are you bitches gonna say anything?

No, we're just kidding. Our hacker doesn't have kids.

- Where's Rob? - In the car, knocked out, tied up.

But the house is clean, no DNA,

'cause we did use the Prism Pal.

- Um, and he shit his pants. - Okay.

But we're good to go.

Like, we washed his ass.

Wonderful!

And I can confirm, as a

former Prism Pal employee,

- that is exactly how DNA works. - Right?

No one will ever know we were here.

Especially the CIA.

- Oh, my God. - Wha-- What?

We found your shrine with all the names of your victims.

We are going to go one by one

and make sure everyone gets every dollar back plus interest.

- Asshole. - And whatever's left over,

gets donated to charity.

Oh, no... Oh.

Oh, you guys have my phone and my thumbprint too.

No, you-- you're gonna need my...

Hey, and guess what? Three failed attempts,

you're locked out forever. Not even I

can get back in. I don't write any of this shit down.

It's all in my head. So good luck getting that out of me--

Hey, what the f--

Hey, I'm not-- I'm not

- done, okay? Hey! - Shh!

Can you-- I-- I wasn't done.

- Wow, it's hotter than Gainesville in there. - Wow.

That was a really detailed

- explanation of what we need to do. - Yeah.

Yes, voice, face, 2FA.

We could torture them to get all that information out, right?

- That's a good idea. - Well, boys, you guys are still kids, okay?

I have to think about your future after all.

So let's leave the torture to the professionals.

- What? Come on. - I...

Hey, your mom's right, okay?

I did two years of torture school.

There's a little science behind it.

We deserve to torture too.

He wouldn't be here if it wasn't for us.

Okay, what if you kill this guy, huh?

That is it, your life's are over.

This isn't your video games.

This isn't some magic wand thing where poof.

Ho, ho, ho.

- Santa! - I love that guy!

Hey Mark. It's Betty from Fetch Bank.

And Marshall, motherfucker.

Come on, babe. Tell him the good news.

- Oh, my God. - Wait, wait, you guys have good news for me?

No, bad for you, good for us.

Your case is now formally closed to Fetch Bank

and the money has been absorbed.

Yay!

Wait, I--

I have police reports.

Subpoenas, a judge signed off on...

You should have paid attention to Sara's name.

In this culture, I'd hate to be the guy who didn't know the name

- of a woman he's doing business with. - Yeah. Mmm.

Gosh, golly darn.

I just-- I wish there was something us

powerful banks could do, you know?

Other than create competing divisions of wire fraud

that ultimately start to confuse you to the

point of repeated mental breakdown.

- Are you kidding me? - Yeah, that's what happens every fucking time.

42 minutes and 40 seconds. Just stop.

An hour and 20 minutes. What am I supposed to do?

This is my life. This is all I do.

I'm just on hold with you guys.

They did it again. Two hours,

29 minutes, 34 seconds.

And in the end, we keep your money.

House always wins.

So frustrating.

You guys can't do this.

Oh, sure we can. It's already done.

- Past tense. - This is my money.

Take a look at the dust.

No, sweetie, we went over this.

- It was your money. - Mm-hmm.

- You sent it, yeah? - You, that's who.

You did this, remember?

He forgot.

Oh, look how pathetic you are.

- Mm. So pathetic. - Look at this guy.

- Drunk on his own ineptitude. - Poor baby.

Put his family up in a meth hotel.

Bleeding out of his backdoor fun hall.

This is what you get when you make bad decisions.

Maybe they'll make a Lifetime movie out of this.

Yeah!

Are you Marshall?

Yeah.

Betty?

- Oh, my gosh! - Mwah, mwah!

Looks like you're all out of options.

Happy Halloween.

Where's all the laptops? Dang it!

Where's all the-- where's all the tech shit?

Dang.

Piece of shit.

Motherfu--

God, I'm such an idiot. I forgot it was your week off.

I should have called you on the snow cone phone.

Oh, don't worry, that's all right.

So, Santa, you live in a mattress store?

Ah, please, just, uh, call me Chris.

I'm off duty now.

Nobody ever goes in a mattress store.

And they're on every corner.

It's the perfect cover.

Hey!

Oh, good, you're awake.

- Oh, hi, Chrissy. - Hello!

What is happening?

Hey, who said you could talk?

Guys, you can't just torture him and then not invite me.

- What the fuck? - Ah! Oh!

Uh, not to steer the sleigh,

- but maybe we can talk about - Hey!

ground rules over cookies and beer

in Santa's happy Florida man cave.

Wait, Mom, can we please have our very first beer with Santa?

'Cause we've definitely never, ever, ever had a beer before.

Please let us have our first beer with Santa.

Please.

Fine, one beer.

- You're sharing it. - Yes!

So what beer are we drinking first, Santa?

I love you, Santa.

Welcome to Santa's happy Florida man cave.

Ho, ho, ho, come on in.

Enjoy. We've got all sorts of

food, drink, you name it.

We've got Frenchy's from Clearwater,

best grouper sandwiches on the planet.

And if you want to wash it down with the best beer in the world,

we've got a magic beer keg that will pour whatever beer

you ask it.

And after a hard day making toys,

a victory cigar.

J.C. Newman cigars, best cigar on the planet.

Santa, can we please smoke with you?

- Oh, my God. Yes, please! - Of course.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

So Santa's real and you guys are CIA, huh?

- Yeah. - Are aliens real too?

Yeah. Yeah.

We actually admitted it once the UFO videos got leaked,

but, uh, no one cared about my life's work.

- You guys remember that? - Down the drain.

- What was that? - Santa?

There was a press conference and everything.

Like, I think-- does anybody care?

I think aliens are real.

I bet they didn't think I had another

phone crammed up my ass.

I'm The Chameleon, man. Come on.

No, that's the duct tape.

- Santa, Jesus Christ! - Oh, my God!

No, that's-- that's my keys.

Chug, chug, chug!

Hey, you're gonna be the godfather

of my children, when I have 'em.

Let's not get, uh...

Here we go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everyone likes their own brand.

Nine, one, one.

Babe? Babe?

It's Magic Marsh,

it's your Betty Boo.

Hello?

Where'd you go?

Uh- Yes, hi, I-- yeah.

Yes, hi, hi. I-- Yeah, I-- I've been kidnapped.

Okay, please send-- send some help.

Who is this?

Psst.

Wee! Torture time!

Boys, that's enough torture for now. Thank you.

You thought we would leave you alone in here?

You're under 24/7 surveillance.

Oh, look at that.

Now your burner phone...

- Don't-- - ...is destroyed.

Whoa, guys.

Now this, this is cool.

Sorry, I saw your post where you guys were, like, drinking

and smoking with Nova and this guy.

And I was like, "Ugh, what are they doing?"

But now I get it. You're making your video.

You guys really took our heart to heart and ran with it, huh?

That's great. Sorry, hey, nice to meet you.

I'm Mark. Are you from Craigslist?

Help me, man. They kid--

They kidnapped me and they're--

- They tased me. - Got it, method actor.

- No-- - Hell yeah.

This guy is a really good actor.

It's too late now. He's already seen...

...your face, honey, so it doesn't--

it really doesn't matter anymore.

Babe, this is Rob the Hacker.

- Ooh. - So it's you,

Rob the Hacker, Huberton.

That's The Chameleon to you, Santa.

Oh, you guys are still rolling? I'll--

Babe, this is real.

It's him. We got our hacker.

Wait, guys, you did all this?

- Babe. - You leaked our UFO videos.

- You ruined our digital lives. - You took Deadbolt.

Wait, you're-- You're those kids.

Uh, no, actually, I'm 48, so...

You're trying to ruin Christmas again.

This fucking ship is going down.

- Bubbles! - Chris, we're losing presents left and right.

That damn Chameleon.

This is his doing.

Bubbles, you're the best elf I ever had.

- Me the best? - We need someone to save Christmas.

Bubbles, it's up to you.

It's a suicide mission, but you've gotta do it, Bubbles.

You've gotta do it. It's Christmas.

- Dad! - Wh-- Don't get weird.

Get back there and take care of it.

Do it now.

It's an honor to be at your service, Chris.

- Yes. - I got this!

Christmas can be saved.

Bubbles!

I remember the pain.

Each and every person felt...

their holidays ruined because they couldn't afford--

Couldn't--

Excuse me.

Oh, hey, hey. Give him some room.

Yep. Give him some space.

Why is it so loud?

Okay. All right, he's fine. He's fine.

He got it out, out of his system.

He's done.

He's better now.

You miserable bitch.

I'm gonna kill you.

Oh, oh, okay. All right.

How is that much in his body?

Oh-- There it goes. Okay, all right.

He's just upset. He's upset.

He's got a great arm.

Great arm. Great arm.

Oh, every year

Rob manages to ruin

the spirit of giving with his dirty tricks,

one broken heart after another.

Y--

I didn't want to scare you all,

but as of right now...

...there's not gonna be a Christmas for anyone.

- What? - No!

- Yes! - No!

- Yes. - No!

- Yes. Really. - No!

The database for naughty and nice...

...was wiped clean by someone.

- Yeah, and guess what, Chris? - Hm?

I'm just getting started.

You hacked Santa?

He is Santa's problem now.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

You son of a bitch!

Okay.

This slippery suckerfish is always two steps ahead of me.

A new name, fake address.

But now you've fallen into my lap.

Is Santa gonna help us torture this guy?

Oh, you bet your gumdrops I am.

- Hell yeah, Santa! - Oh, come on, Chris,

you're a long way from the North Pole.

- Oh! - You're in the swamp now, don't get bit.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Oh, wo--

Oh... interesting.

Well.

Is Santa kinda hot?

Right, Santa's really hot, come on, Santa.

- Sing and talk! - Hell yeah!

- Wow, come on, go torture on him. - Good, yeah, good.

You see this candy cane?

What?

This candy cane...

...was forged...

...so that if any kid

accidentally saw me on Christmas Eve,

I could just wave it...

...and create a new reality for them.

Go back in time,

preserve... the magic.

Dude, it's like a magic wand.

Like-- like if he were to die, it could bring him back to life.

Respawn, it's like a real-life video game.

Ah, it used to be so easy.

There would only be about five people that got presents.

Now it's closer to five billion.

What is that sound?

Oh, my God.

We got a head start for you, Santa.

Drink poison, you piece of shit.

No, no, stop, no!

Stop it, stop, stop.

Oh- my God-- okay, okay, okay.

- He's okay, he's okay. - Oh, my God.

- I think he's bleeding. - He's okay.

- No pulse. Um... - Oh, gosh.

Yeah, he's dead.

- Son of a bitch, Ralph. - What?

What, you don't think that anybody else wanted a turn?

No one else wanted to stab him?

I am sorry, sir.

I raised them better than-- no, no, no.

You guys say you're sorry to Santa.

- Uh-- Sorry, Santa. - Sorry, Santa.

Oh, no, no, boys, it's fine.

I'll just go back to the North Pole and fuck myself.

Mark, that is not why I'm upset.

You just murdered someone.

- No one's gonna help us. - Exactly.

He's gonna keep stealing from people.

- No one's gonna stop him, listen. - Hey, hey, hey.

- He's taken... banks, tax-fraud people. - Banks.

- Title companies. - Fucking Santa Claus.

We have to take this into our own hands, Dad. You know that.

So-- So you just throw away your lives?

Dad, you told me to get my hands dirty.

- Look-- what? - Not-- not with blood.

- Not with blood. - It's a little bit of blood.

- We have to solve this problem. - Oh, God, he's alive.

- He's still alive. Oh! - Oh.

- Ralph, come on. Okay. - I'm trying, Dad, it's stuck.

Listen, we're not just doing it for us.

We're doing it for them.

- So you two commit murder? - Yes.

You guys, hi, I do need to collect

his organs before his body gets cold.

Whoosh.

Oh, God. Hell is real.

- Hell is real. Oh, my God. - Yes!

- The demons, the screams. - Sorry, that, um-- that can

- bring him back to life? - What the fuck?

- Okay. Yes. - You killed me.

Oh, you know, I'm definitely not the Zodiac Killer.

Definitely. I never accidentally killed

a lot of people over a lot of time, and

then had to bring a lot of them

back with new realities, but... I guess.

Wait, wait, Mom, you didn't know that it could bring him back to life?

- I mean, - Don't... you...

...ever do that to your mother again.

- That scared the shit out of me. - Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

- Give your mother a heart attack. - Dude, I have an idea.

We can make money off this.

Yes, dude, we can make it in a movie.

- I got an idea. - Yeah?

Oh, I just want it to be included.

- Cool. - I actually do have a good idea.

So why don't we-- we're going to be torturing him anyways, right?

- Yeah. - So why don't we just put it on film and then

we could sell it and make so much money, dude?

You know what? I have an idea. Give up.

I've got an idea. Shut up.

- Oh! That's awesome. - Oh, my God, that's a good idea.

- Look at that, look at that. - Dad.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Dad, we want you

to make a video with us.

- Oh, yeah, please? - Aw, come on, boys.

- That's cute. - Yeah, that is.

Our boys may be failing online school,

- Yeah. - but you sure are street smart.

Um... I can't-- well,

I already sold the rest of my gears. So I'm--

Yeah, not so fast. I have all the gear here.

- What? - I'm the guy who

bought it from you earlier this month.

- No! - I'm from up North.

Up North, Tallahassee.

I used this candy cane to

make me look like someone else,

but I was really Santa the whole time.

No way.

- You look nothing like-- - Nothing like that!

- That guy had a hat! - Phew! Oh!

Hey, Rob, hey, Rob, look at me, buddy.

We're killing you a million times over.

It's a Halloween miracle.

Boys, come here, come here, boys.

Yeah, get over there, get over there.

Happy Halloween.

Yes, indeed.

Now, who's ready to make some magic?

- Dad, you rolling? - Good to go, son.

- Here we go, here we go. - Bam, bam, bam.

Yes, on sound, on camera, on lights and on props.

Let's start with the bleeding and hope it won't stop.

Hi, Freddy Rumble here.

Have you ever been hacked by an evil douchebag?

So you kidnap him and the CIA, your parents,

and Santa Claus help show up to torture him?

Well, then I've got the thing for you...

I'll never give up.

Whoosh!

Tic-tac-toe, take three.

- There you go. I win. - Yeah!

Fine, best out of seven.

Witches brew, take 68.

Give us the codes!

Picasso O' Penis, take 13.

Wait, do a Spanish accent.

Picasso O' Penis, take 13.

That penis is miraculous.

This is better than anything Banksy has ever done.

I did it.

I'm so proud of you, dude.

This one's for you, grandpa.

What the--

You gotta be kidding me.

Happy Hallo-- Hockeyween, take 17.

Oh, I broke your toe. Password, passwords!

You suck at hockey!

No, no, no--

Okay, whoosh.

What's the password, bud?

Yeah, yeah, the password is "The Lightning

is a terrible hockey team."

Knock, knock, that's right, cheese graters.

They're not all, um, made the same.

Some are made to shred...

Mozzarella cheese.

Good old Gouda cheese.

Fancy European cheese.

Parmesano cheese.

And evil hacking douchebag

piece of shit skin cheese.

Look at it just glide right off.

Just little bits of skin.

Hair and nails.

Could this cheese get any greater?

I wish I had a bowl of pasta right now.

What's that smell?

No, it's not your mama's skin, it's--

it's this hacker's piece of shit skin.

Any mom would kill for this cheese grater.

No! Oh, God!

- No! - Oh...

Yes, dude, I cannot wait to chop--

Mmm... We gotta earn it.

It's too early, it's too early, bring it back.

- You never let us do anything fun. - Let's go...

- You gotta earn it. - Let's get ready to rumble.

Round four.

On the right, he is 155 pounds of man meat,

five six of terror.

He's the heartthrob any teacher in Florida would go to jail for.

He is Ralph Rumble!

Coming in on the left, Kim Kardashian's low life,

this piece of shit.

Where are you, Ralph? I hacked

your life, you little bitch.

Whoosh.

Round 12.

If you blink first,

Whoosh.

What? No, mom, stop.

Okay.

He's a passionate man.

A romantic man.

A man with a good digestive system.

He's a lover, he's a fighter, and most of all,

he's my brother, Ralph Rumble.

He knows how to play

two songs on the piano.

He's my best friend, apart from my porn accounts.

Hide your kids!

Hide your wives!

For my brother, Ralph fucking Rumble!

- Dad, do I really have-- - Just--

Can you just do the thing?

Whoosh.

Alright, Rob, Rob,

are we getting the codes or what?

No.

Get him!

Yeah!

Oh, okay.

Oh!

God, that looked painful.

Hey, answer the passcodes.

- Give us the codes. - And everything stops.

Give us the password, Rob.

- Hey, Rob. Hey, Santa. - Hey, Mom.

Okay, can we just like pause for a second here, guys?

Can we just have like a-- like a-- just a human moment

for, like, ten seconds here

before you go back to killing me?

Please? You guys are mad. Yeah, you're mad.

I get it. But you're not mad at me.

You're mad at the system.

Interest rates, credit cards, all that shit.

Yeah, that's-- that's for-- against people like us.

They're the problem. They should be the ones in this chair.

Okay, so what, so I'm the-- I'm the bad guy

for finding loopholes?

You guys are the one that kidnapped me and tortured me

and killed me 500 times.

Yeah, and it's gonna be 501.

- Fuck. - Can you boys help me with some groceries, please?

Oh, I got Pub Subs.

Did you bring the sharp, unripe pineapple

- I asked for? - I sure did.

Good.

We all know where that's going,

don't we, Rob?

You guys are waterboarding again without me.

Oh, no, Dad. It's fine. We're all taking turns.

I'm just using our dirty toilet water.

I haven't even added the lemon or the chili flakes

- or whatever else sounds cool. - 800085.

- Was that the passcode? - Say it again.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, say it again.

Like-- You know, like-- like boobs,

but just with an extra o in the middle like-- like three boobs.

Are we in?

Oh, it's-- it's one step.

Okay? Of many. It's a process.

I told you. But look, I helped you,

now... you help me.

I am-- I'm starving. For real food, okay?

I want-- I want a Grouper Sandwich

from Frenchy's.

And I'll get you the next code.

This could end tonight, guys.

We can-- we can all have a happy Halloween.

Okay, how do we know he's not lying?

We don't, but we tried everything else,

we might as well try this.

All right, Rob.

I'm gonna go to Frenchy's and get you

a super delicious Grouper Sandwich.

Okay.

Can I have a minute with him?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, okay, we'll be back.

- Sure, yeah. - Come on, boys.

No, no, no, no.

Robert.

Whatever happened to you?

I remember when you were a young boy,

you weren't like this at all.

You know, it's never too late

to make your way onto the nice list.

Think about it, son.

Kill me 501 times?

Okay, give me one...

Give me two. Give me three.

Yeah, yeah, I got you, I see you.

Come on, come on, come on.

Yes, yes, yes!

- Okay! - 911 emergency response.

Hi, hi, yes, I've been kidnapped.

Alright, stay calm, we're sending officers right away.

I'm-- I'm sending you my coordinates right now.

They have guns, and they have knives, and--

Last but not least,

cakes in the shape of spooky bones.

Oh, my gosh, mom, you're so thoughtful, thank you.

Right, right?

Who is it, who?

- Who, who, who? - Hey, hey, hey, shh.

- Stop! - It's Santa Claus, you know that.

Police! Freeze! Get on the ground!

- Hands! - Hands where we can see them!

Wait, I know you guys.

Lieutenant Luna and Detective Big Dick.

It's Detective Dugas.

- But... you're also not wrong. - You're not wrong.

It's-- it's Mark. It's Mark and Amy.

- You remember us? Remember our faces? - Yeah!

I would never forget a face so equally handsome.

Anyway, we caught the guy who got our money.

He's tied up in the back room.

- You guys kidnapped someone? - You kidnapped me.

What the fuck?

No, we shouldn't kill him yet.

You kidnapped me.

And if I happened to like it,

- that was incidental. - Marshall!

Really dude? You just ruined the surprise. Not nice.

I know, I feel-- I ruin things.

I-- I do that, I ruin surprises.

Baby... You got me a Title rep?

Yeah, I got him to you as a Halloween present

- What are you doing? - and he was supposed to stay

- Stay, they didn't see. - quiet until tonight and he--

Totally ruined it. Totally ruined it.

- I've been naughty. - It's okay.

We both kidnap people, right?

We're so cute.

- I love you so much. - Badass.

You didn't have to tie me up to make me watch.

They're such a cute couple.

Yeah, that's really sweet.

- Love you, babe. - Hey...

Cops, you know, we're still here.

- Oh. - Justice.

Are you guys real cops or is this

- part of the kink? - Maybe!

Stop resisting!

- Done. - That's enough!

- Oh, yes, Daddy. - On the ground.

You've got a very commanding presence.

Shut up... idiot.

Go to the torture room.

Hey, did you guys get your money back?

Are you still dealing with poverty?

- Dick! - Go to the torture room!

- You suck. - You're annoying.

I'm sorry, I do suck.

Wait, you guys, this is insane.

You're looking at some serious prison time here.

Assault? Kidnapping? Trespassing?

Hey now, it is a filmmaker's God-given right to trespass.

All right, this is 96. take one.

Some of you may not have noticed

but at various points in that previous scene

we actually had another actor playing the role of Mark.

We felt it was important to show you

just how easy it is to be tricked.

Be careful out there.

And let that be a lesson to you.

And I was in the scene the whole time.

Hi.

- Oh, we're here now. - Hey guys, we're CIA.

We already pushed this up the ladder, got the green light.

We have jurisdiction, blah, blah, blah.

Ugh, thank God, less paperwork for us.

Oh, thank goodness because, I mean,

I get so uncomfortable when guns are out.

- He really does. - That's concerning.

Well, here's the list of people Rob has stolen from

in the last 36 months.

It's almost like we did your job for you.

That's our hacker. This is the guy that's

ruined our sex-- our marriage.

Wait, you guys have El Camaleón?

Plot twist!

- Oh, yeah! - Do you guys wanna

go in there and...

...get yourself some torture-- torture time.

Very much. Yes, please. Yes.

Torturing bad guys, you know, really strengthens...

- ...a relationship. - Wow.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

Mark, I love being married to you.

It's just through those doors.

- Let's go. - Yeah, it's...

- ...right there. - Are you guys coming with us?

Oh, no, there's, um, way too many damn people.

You guys just go, you two have some fun.

It's "you time," have your moment, you know,

forget about us, forget about this face.

I will always remember that face.

Thanks, bro

- Bye-bye. - Have you been working out?

Oh-- Mark always works out.

Safety.

The Chameleon blends perfectly

into its environment.

Hiding on plain sight.

- Perfect. - ...all rules.

I could be anywhere.

In the ceilings.

Waiting for the perfect moment.

To distract.

I've outran 112 governments.

Even the United States' minor outlying islands.

I could be anywhere.

There he is.

- Got him. - Ow!

Okay, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I can give you triple your money back, okay?

Like... tax-free.

That's like, what, like nine grand?

It would be for you guys.

That's a hell of a payday.

Just a shitload of money.

That'd be-- that'd be pretty good, right?

Yeah? Yeah, not bad.

Because, you know, you can, like... go to a strip club.

I saw those credit card receipts.

Oh, yeah, I heard-- I heard Macy's is having a big sale.

Yeah, you could go crazy at Macy's.

Can we make a deal here? 'Cause this thing's really fucking--

This thing's really hot.

So we-- we have a deal here, don't we?

Yeah.

Let's get that money transferred over to you guys. We got a deal?

It's Tampa's favorite news guy, Jed Jansen here.

We got one! We got a murder on Halloween, baby!

Yeah! Tell us, what's going on? What's in the barrel?

My husband and I, we found this motherfucker

sizzling in the barrel.

Ding dong, the dick is dead.

This is your tax dollars hard at work, people.

Worst skin-- scum off of the street.

All of his clothing proves that he's dead.

Motherfucker!

And that's all the proof I need. Rob Huberton is dead.

Do it again, do the sizzle.

♪ Happy birthday Dear douchebag ♪

- Ding dong, the dick is dead. - ♪ Happy birthday ♪

- ♪ To you ♪ - You heard it here from the cops.

- I'm Jed Jansen. KLIN. - Congratulations.

All day.

Bless up.

No one is looking for you.

- He's dead. - All right, guys, no more needless murders.

- Oh! - Come on Dad.

Hey, hey, guys, the more he's dead,

the less time we all have to get the passwords, alright?

Dad, murder is really the only way

we've ever bonded as a family.

I feel like these past...

...days have been amazing,

getting to know you guys better, with needless murdering.

We haven't had this much fun since

we went to Lowry Park Zoo.

Just let him be alive for, like, ten minutes, alright?

- Then I can kill him? - Sure.

Whoosh.

Whoosh.

Oh, that's not good. I don't know--

Well, sometimes you gotta jump-start it.

Christmas!

- All right, there we go, good. - Never gets old.

Thank you, Santa, I'll take these.

Well, you're ready to talk?

Well, what's the password? Hmm?

I think-- I think the...

Yeah, I've been trying to tell you

the password for, like, six hours,

but you taped my mouth shut with magic.

Whoopsie, honest mistake.

It's-- Look Santa's allowed to make mistakes, too.

I'm gonna need my hands free if I'm gonna-- if I'm gonna type in the password.

- I need to type it in. - "I have a whole system."

- Okay. Come on. - There you go. There we go.

And hey, you're not gonna try anything, right?

- No... - Because stabby stabby.

Stabby stabby.

Okay.

Welcome, Chameleon, please confirm voice recognition.

♪ Let's go Yankees ♪

Facial recognition.

Remaining balance, 418 dollars and 23 cents.

What is that?

Oh, oh...

Oh, you thought-- you thought I saved money?

Invested?

No, I fly to Europe and I rack up

10k in strip club bills

and then I just steal from a grandma and buy a bag of coke.

Yeah, you have been torturing me

for something that doesn't exist.

Idiots.

So...

Welcome to Tampa.

System override complete.

Chameleon, you are in control.

What just happened?

Oh, I just made it look like you guys stole everything.

Yeah. So now the system,

it sees you guys as the bad guys.

Bank statements, IRS, everything.

It all gets traced back to you.

It's all debt.

Millions and millions of dollars.

Not even your children's children's children

are gonna be able to pay it off, so

you guys are gonna rot in jail.

Ralph and Freddy, you're gonna spend your whole lives

trying to pay that shit off, so...

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

You know, honestly...

...I'm glad that you-- you killed me.

Now all I have to do is just create a few new identities,

put it in some trust accounts, collect all the health insurance

and give it all back to myself and it's all tax-free.

You know all this shit's online, right?

You can just google it.

He's always two steps ahead.

Of course I am.

Dad, what's gonna happen?

Yeah, honey. What is gonna happen?

Yeah, Mark...

What's gonna happen?

I-- I don't--

Get back! Go, go, go!

- Freddy! - Hey, Freddy, Freddy.

- No, no. Keep it in, keep it in. - Come here. Come here.

Freddy!

Okay, nobody move.

Hey, grab my hand. Come on. You're gonna be okay.

- Yeah, there's no more candy cane now, bitch. - Freddy?

- Now there's consequences, now it's permanent. - You'll be okay. You'll be fine.

You're not okay, Freddy. You're gonna die.

- You're gonna be okay. - It's okay,

D-- don't move.

Harder, come on, squeeze.

Let it out. There.

It hurts to breathe.

Just... keep breathing.

I'm--

I'm really proud of you.

And... everything-- all the--

all the videos we make, you know--

you know, I couldn't-- I couldn't make

- those videos without you. - No, dude.

I'm glad I got blessed with such a great brother

I-- I work so well with and

get to laugh with and...

...fight with and...

...do everything with.

You're the best little brother ever.

I love you, man

I love you, too.

C-- can you send me off with honor?

Before time was time, or space was space...

...twas wooden and stone...

- ...that you... - You...

You would keep us safe.

Go on.

Tis your time.

Freddy?

Wait--

Freddy?

- I love you. - It's okay. F-- Freddy?

- Oh, Freddy's dead. - Freddy?

Freddy's dead.

How does it feel to die?

All right, Ralph.

Looks like we're in a Mexican standoff.

What you gonna do?

You took everything away from me.

You took everything away from my family.

You killed my brother.

I'm gonna kill you.

Wait, Dad, did you get that on camera?

Yeah, I sure did, son.

- Oh, shit, okay. - Boys...

- I have tears. I have, like, literal tears. - Perfect.

That was amazing.

Did you get the password, honey?

Yeah, babe, uh, turns out his password is...

All lowercase. I got it like five minutes ago

on my phone, but I didn't--

I didn't wanna break this moment, guys, it's so good.

- Got you, you son of a bitch. - Christmas is saved.

- Ow... Shit hurt so bad. - I-- I-- I don't understand.

Hold on, family time, family time.

- Okay. Alright, - Sorry.

- go ahead. - Oh, I don't know

- how you always do this. - Need help?

- Ralph, back here. - Okay.

Did we make a fake candy cane that looks

like the real candy cane and then tricked you

into giving us all of your passwords?

We changed your reality.

Okay, I-- I would like--

Seriously, thank you so much for your step-by-step instructions

on how to get millions in insurance.

You're gonna make a lot of families happy.

From one type A organized brain to another...

bravo. Seriously, bravo!

- Well, guys, my work here is done. - No!

Enjoy your family time and I'll see you

in a couple of months.

Ho, ho, ho.

- Man, I love that guy. - He's so cool.

- He's-- he's amazing. - How can you be sad around Santa Claus?

- Okay, I-- I-- I am-- - You know what, Dad?

- Yeah? - Even though Santa's so cool,

I want you to know, you are the best dad in the world,

Dude, yeah, and I-- I mean, us helping out,

that's just what-- that's what family's for.

- Hey, you boys put in a lot of hard work, proud of you. - Yeah.

- Thank you. - Look at us, one big

beautiful happy family

outthinking this hacking turd.

I'm-- I'm just-- I'm really sorry. And

I-- I regret everything that I did and I--

from-- from the bottom of my heart I'm...

...really sorry that...

...you feel like I'm the bad guy.

- No, I'm-- I'm-- - Sorry.

I just wanted to just...

...get back at the people that pushed me down.

- Mm. - And so I started taking

from people that didn't deserve it.

And then I took it from you guys.

And I promise I'm never gonna-- gonna

hack or steal.

Or do anything bad ever again.

Do you-- do you swear?

Y-- Yes, I swear.

Rob, do you swear under oath?

Y-- Yeah, I swear-- I swear under oath.

Hey Freddy, let's go grab my knife.

So we could cut his nuts off too.

Then we can force him to sell toasters

in a loveless marriage.

Sic'em, boys.

Ba-ba-bam!

Ah, so sweet!

You boys ready for the grand finale?

Hell yeah!

Let's go!

Zip this, boys!

Wait!

- Alright, you guys. scram. - Alright, alright, alright.

- We're leaving. - Something awesome is about to happen.

Yes, Ralph Rumble, I will marry you.

Freddy Rumble, kiss me, you stud.

We're home.

Oh, that's it.

- Hey, guys. - Yeah?

Do you wanna go for a walk?

Yeah, let's go for a walk.

- Yeah. - Let's go for a walk.

Oh, my God. Thank God.

Come on! That's my puppy!

- Wee-ooh! - That's my puppy!

That's a puppy!

Hi!

He did it, yeah! That's my boy.

- We don't have kids. - Um...

We don't have kids...

- ...yet. - Oh!

Yeah, so we hired these kick-ass kid actors.

Hey, uh, I am Owen Atlas

and I'm obviously not a dog.

Hi, I'm Collin Thompson and I'm also not a dog.

The only dog I got is the dawg in me.

And I'm Augie Duke. My name sounds like a dog.

Hire everyone for your next movie.

- Shane hits me. - End of movie.

Wait, wait, wait.

I've had about enough-- Son of a bitch!

It's a happy Halloween indeed.

I'm here with local neighborhood security guard Jeremy.

Jeremy, what the heck is going on?

I don't know man, I was at work watching the Tampa Bay Lightning game,

and then all of a sudden, this dude house just randomly

caught on fire so I was like, "Oh, snap. Let me go watch it," right?

And then I came out here, saw some of my people so I was like,

"Yo, we finna party, y'all know what's up."

Hey, Peanut. What's up, dog. I love you.

T'wana, you know I love you girl.

- Tampa! - Bay!

- Tampa! - Bay!

No one will be sad this perp is dead.

In fact, the mayor has named today

"Not all house fires are bad" day

Hey, sometimes God does the right thing

and kills the animal-abusing, pedophilic bath-salt zombie

- Ding dong, the bitch is dead, baby! - Hey!

- Justice is served. - Got plenty of evidence.

Yo, we gotta a full-- Found this evidence.

If there's any of you, uh, ghouls and goblins out there

come on down to this virtual reality booth

where you can experience what it's like

to actually kill a hacker.

Stabby stabby!

We're killing people here.

I popped his eyeballs out and I pulled his teeth out.

Now I have lots to give to the tooth fairy.

You wanna go do it again?

Yeah, yeah, I wanna do it again.

The blood started gooing out

and the blood tasted so good.

- Oh, who drew that? - I did.

Oh, you're gonna go places!

- Thanks, fucker. - It is amazing.

It is a big old dick and balls.

Hey there, slugger.

So yeah, it looks like you used the bat.

- What? Uh... - You had a lot of fun with the bat.

Is it-- is it real?

Oh, my God, it was so great to

kill my goddamn ex-hu-- I mean, the hacker. The hacker.

It-- Where else can you go to beat the brains out

of that motherfucker that won't give you child su--

I went nine times. Because he never could.

Okay! Viagra!

Hey, you, uh-- you ever tried a banana?

No, good idea.

Let's take a, uh, turn on the, uh, killing.

Uh, we'll be right back, Jim, you piece of shit.

♪ A partridge in a pear ♪

♪ Tree ♪

- Woosh. - Christmas!

Amazing, oh, I do it sometimes for myself with the belt,

but when you do it, Santa, it's magic.

- Good. - Let's go again.

- Let's go again. - My job is to

- spread joy. - Yeah, yes, yes!

- ♪ On the seventh day of Christmas ♪ - ♪ Seventh day ♪

♪ My true love ♪