All language subtitles for 21.Jump.Street.2012.720p.BluRay.x264.YIFY-en

Hey, Melodie.

Hey.

Um, look, I know

we've known each other
for a really long time.

And we live across the street
from each other and stuff.

And...

I know, like, in four days,

I'm sure, if...

You know, prom's,
like, in four days...

Oh, my God.

You're not asking
me to prom, are you?

Fuck, no.

No, I...
No, I just...

You're probably
going with someone.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how
to put this nicely.

There's not
a nice way to put it.

You're a fucking nerd.

And, you know... I don't know.
She's hot.

Look at her.
Look at her.

Look at her. Look at her.
Look at her.

I'll see you later.

Bye. JENKO: All right,
buddy, good talk.

Dude, classic.

Greg Jenko
to the principal's office.

Greg Jenko to
the principal's office.

Shit.
Good luck, bro.

I said loud and clear,

if you didn't get your grades up,
you weren't going to the prom.

You, my friend, are
about to pay the piper.

I should pay who?

You're not going to the prom.

Boy, you lucky
you even graduating.

But I'm going to be prom king.

I'm glad you had
a great time in school.

'Cause you ain't
learned nothing.

Fuck! Fuck!

Welcome to the Police Academy.

Make sure your form is completely
filled out, then move along.

Not-so-slim Shady, what's up?
Holy shit!

Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.

Oh, fuck!

Oh!

You're good at this, huh?

Yeah, I am.

Thank you.

Such bullshit.

You're really good at this.

Yeah, I am.

Hey, you want to be friends?

Come on.
Come on, let's go.

Come on, pick your knees up.
Pick your knees up.

I'm telling you right now,
it's not a felony.

Chill, all right? Look, if it
has intent, it's a felony.

What did I tell you? Come on,
let's go, let's go, let's go!

Let's go, let's go, let's
go, let's go, let's go.

Faster. Let's go.

Clear!

Clear!

- Come on, come on, come on!
- Stop.

Yes! Yes!

Let me see.
Let me see.

Nice.

Ten-hut!
Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you the
graduates of Class 137.

Get ready for a lifetime
of being badass motherfuckers.

Oh, lam.

I really thought
this job would have

more car chases and explosions,

and less homeless people
doo-dooing everywhere.

Do you guys really
think this is a police matter?

To get your Frisbee back?

Get your own fucking Frisbee.

Shit.

Shit! Shit!

Yours isn't loaded, right? Huh?

We're supposed to unload
them first, right?

What, you... No.

That's no fun.
Come on.

Sign says,
"Do not feed the ducks."

It's right there.

Don't you... Don't...
Don't. Stop it.

Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.

You feel like a big shot?

No fucking way.

One Percenters?

These guys are,
like, big-time drug dealers.

If we could take them
down as our first bust,

we'd be off park duty for sure.

You see what I see?

Cannabis sativa.

Chaka Khan.

Chaka Khan?

Gentlemen. We having
a little party?

Have we forgotten that the
use of marijuana is illegal?

I have glaucoma.

I get nervous in crowds.

Herpes.

Then you won't mind if I search
your bike, now, would you?

Go ahead.
You won't find shit.

Get up.

Cálmate, gringo.

Man, you guys even real cops? You
look like the kids on Halloween.

If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.

I know, right? I know.

It's hilarious.

So why don't you show
us a little respect?

Fuck you, pig-
Hey.

You want me to
beat your dick off?

You want to beat my dick off?

I'll beat your dick off with both hands.
What's up? Let's go.

That's weird, man. SCHMIDT: I think
what he was trying to say was,

he's going to punch you so many
times around the genital area

that your dick's
just going to fall off.

Why do you have salt in your...

That's actual drugs.
Oh, my God.

Get on the ground! Hey!

- Come here now!
- What do I do?

- Chase someone!
- Chase someone?

Are you leaving your bike here?

Okay. All right.

Don't run from me! You're
making it worse for yourself!

No! Get out of the way!

Stop!

I'm going to shoot you if you
don't slow down, man! Come on!

Hey! Come here!

I'm not playing any more!
I'm so not kidding!

I got him.
I got him.

Freeze! Freeze!

Hands up or I shoot you!
Freeze!

That's it! Come here!

Freeze! Stop it!

You're a pussy!

You got the right to...

Give me that!
You got the right to...

...to suck my dick,
motherfucker!

Oh, my elbow.

You got nothing. How's my
dick feel in your ass, huh?

Hey! Hey! How's it feel?
How's it feel now?

That's right. Schmidt!
Schmidt, we got one!

We got one!
I got him!

Yes! Yes!

Yeah!
We got an arrest!

Yeah! We got him!

Yes!

Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah!
Fuck you! Yeah!

What's up?

Drop my nuts on your
motherfucking forehead!

That's right.

Fuck you, park!

We arrest people now!
What up, park?

What's up?
What's up?

What up, park?
Who wants one?

Congratulations on the bust, boys.
It sounds great.

- Thank you, Cinnamon.
- Are those new?

The department was forced
to drop the charges

because you forgot to
read him his Miranda rights.

What possible reason is there
for not doing the only thing

you have to do when
arresting someone?

I did read him his right...
I did a version of that.

Do you even know
the Miranda rights?

Yes.

Let's hear them, then.

You got a lot of stuff to do.

No, go ahead.
You going anywhere, Schmidt?

We got time.

I had a thing, but I can
probably push it back.

Go ahead. It's four declamatory
sentences, followed by a question,

for a total of 57 words.

Okay. Look,
it obviously starts with,

"You have the right
to remain silent."

I know you've heard
this before. And then,

I think it
sounds something like...

"You have
the right to an attorney."

Well, the thing...
Yeah, right.

"You have the right
to remain an attorney."

Did you say that you have
the right to be an attorney?

You do have the right to be
an attorney, if you want to.

Where were you?

I was chasing my perp, sir.

And how did that go for you?

Honestly, he did get away,

and he threw me
down pretty hard.

Actually fucked up
my elbow pretty bad.

Can I see that?

Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause
the dirt gets mushed into it.

Cw!

Wow.

Fortunately for you two,

we're reviving a canceled undercover
police program from the '80s

and revamping it
for modern times.

You see, the guys in
charge of this stuff

lack creativity and are
completely out of ideas,

so all they do now
is recycle shit from the past

and expect us
all not to notice.

One of these programs
involves the use of young,

immature-seeming officers.

Sir, are you saying

that you're going to
send us into, like,

a child sex slavery
ring or something?

Sir, if I have to suck
somebody's dick, I will.

It's just...
I'd prefer not to.

I think you idiots are perfect.

You're officially transferred.

All right. Yeah.
That's great.

Where should we report to?

Down on Jump Street.

37 Jump Street.

No, that doesn't sound right.

Is it...

This has got to be a joke.

This is it.

Aroma of Christ Church?

How's it going?

This place is weird.

Everybody comfortable?

Yeah.

Get your motherfucking ass up
when I'm talking!

You will be going undercover
as high school students.

You are here simply
because you look young.

You some Justin Beaver,

Miley Cyrus-looking
motherfuckers.

Captain Sassy.

I know what you're thinking,

"Angry Black Captain."

It ain't nothing but
a stupid stereotype.

Well, guess what,
motherfuckers.

I'm black.

And I worked my ass
off to be the captain!

And sometimes I get angry.

So suck a dick!

What I'm trying to show you is,

embrace your stereotypes.

Like this guy right here.
Handsome.

And he's probably a dummy.

And then this guy.

He's short and insecure.

And he's probably
good with money.

You are good with money.

What the fuck?

Didn't somebody tell you guys
this was an undercover unit?

I don't...
I actually didn't...

I didn't get
a letter or anything.

Yeah, like, a start time...

With a dress code or
anything like that.

Teenage the fuck up!

Rule number one at
Jump Street. Fugazy.

Do not get expelled.

Nobody in the system knows you're here.
All right? Nobody.

You get kicked out of school,

your monkey ass is getting
kicked out of Jump Street.

Rule number two Burns.

Do not have sexual relations
with students or teachers, sir.

You hear that?
That's you.

Don't do it, man.
Why...

Keep that dirty dick in your pants.
Dirty?

Don't fuck no students.

Don't fuck no teachers.

Sir, I know we come off
as a couple of lady-killers,

but I promise you we will be
super professional on the job.

Clearly, I wasn't
talking to you, Big Titties.

You cherub-looking
motherfucker.

I was talking to
your partner over here.

Fake-ass Handsome McGee.

When I'm talking to him,
I'm talking to him.

When I say, "Shut the fuck up,"

I'm talking to you.
Cool.

Now, you two sons of bitches,

in my office now.

Right now!

Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.

So I bought these,

which is all anybody seems
to be talking about right now.

Cheers.

It's a new synthetic drug.

Goes by the street name H.F.S.

Holy fucking shit.

Holy...

They put this on the Internet
for everybody to see?

They're teenagers, man.
They're really stupid.

So you should blend right in.

Jessica, will you
go to prom with me?

But I already know the answer.
It's yes.

Whoo!

I could watch this kid all day.

Man, this kid rules.

Ruled.

His parents found him OD'd
in his room a few days ago.

He's dead.

Whatever he took, the lab
has never seen it before.

And as you can see,
this kid is white.

That means people
actually give a shit.

Sir, I just want
to throw out to you

that I would give
a shit if he was black.

Right now, H.F.S. is contained
right there at Sagan High.

Now, once this drug breaks containment,
it goes viral in a few days.

Jenko, I looked at
your old transcript.

I enrolled you in
a bunch of bullshit courses

like photography and drama.

Get in with the burnouts
and the cool kids.

Find out who's
slinging this shit.

Schmidt, says you were a virgin

through high school.
It says that?

No. I just assumed it,

due to your many
years on the honor roll

and your membership
to the juggling squad.

It's the Juggling Society,
but it's fine. It's fine.

They're stealing equipment
from the chemistry lab.

That's what we think
they're cooking the dope with.

I enrolled you into
honors chemistry.

Here's your new identities,
all right?

Brad and Doug McQuaid.

The mission is this.

Infiltrate the dealers,
find the supplier.

We get to be brothers?

Infiltrate the dealers,
find the supplier.

But if we find
the supplier first,

we don't have to
worry about the dealers.

God damn. Infiltrate the
dealers, find the supplier.

Hey, Korean Jesus.

I don't know if you only cater
to Korean Christians

or if you even exist.
No offense.

I just...

I'm really freaked out about
going back to high school.

It was just

so fucking hard the first time.

I know we haven't made our first
arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.

Korean Jesus, I just really
don't want to fuck this up.

I'm sorry for swearing so much.

The end?

I don't really know how
to end a prayer. The end?

Yeah.

Hey! Hey!

Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!

He ain't got time for
your problems. He busy!

With Korean shit.

You two get to
your mama house ASAP.

What?

You're teenagers now,
all right?

You two are staying
at Schmidt's parents' house

for the duration
of this assignment.

Oh, fuck me.

This house is adorable.

My baby's home!
Come here.

You will always be my infant angel baby child.
There's my guy.

It's great to see you guys.

Hey. Schmidt family!
Up top, Papa Schmidt.

Oh, my God. Mama Schmidt, did
you do all this yourself?

This is unbelievable.

Well, yeah.

I guess I did.

It's gorgeous!

So are you.

Honey, listen,
I want to tell you,

we did blow up the air
mattress in your room

'cause we're kind of using
that as a workout area,

so I hope you don't
mind the elliptical.

No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh,
my God, please. No, no.

Don't touch that. We just
brought it back from Sedona.

Guys, can we get rid
of this stuff?

I mean, it looks like
I died in a car crash

and you guys haven't moved on.

Rid of it?

If we take it down, we have
to stop bragging about you.

I look like Fred Savage
from The Wonder Years,

but completely naked, wearing
Indian friendship bracelets.

That is a great picture, Morton.
Mmm-hmm.

You look like a young Jay Leno.

Am I even wearing underwear
in this picture?

Umm...

No.

I remember.
You know why?

Because I've told it to a
therapist about 8,000 times.

I mean, this is a fourth grade

participation medal for soccer.

It's literally
a medal for sucking.

No, that is a medal for trying.
Yes.

Let me tell you something. This
guy was always a great tryer.

That must be Phyllis.
She is just dying to see you.

What? Mom, you told
Phyllis I was here?

She's going to tell
the whole neighborhood.

I told you, it's an undercover assignment.
It's super secretive.

"Undercover."
That's so cute.

I'm going upstairs.

Okay, honey.
I want you to know

we are so glad you're here.
Okay.

That's great.
Thank you.

All right.
Where is he?

He's upstairs.

He just needs to
take a little rest,

and then he's
dying to see you, too.

Bye-bye.

I baked muffins!

If you don't know your
identity, we're screwed tomorrow.

You got to study this stuff.

Forget those identities.
They're bullshit.

They said I was
held back a year.

You were. You were
held back two years.

Just 'cause it's
a fake backstory

doesn't mean it
doesn't hurt my feelings.

Fuck! Socks don't match.

I got to start all over.

It's the first day of school, dude.
I got to look awesome.

You know, back in the
day, you were super popular,

and I wasn't as much.

We didn't really get
along in high school.

You don't think that's going
to happen again, do you?

No. Come on, man. We're adults now.
We're best buds.

It's definitely not
going to happen again.

We're good.
Cool.

Beautiful day out there, boys.

Just shut up.

"Anything you say can and will
be used against you in a court of law."

"You have the right
to an attorney."

"If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed..."

Dude, do you still not know the
Miranda rights? You're a cop.

Come on, man. They always cutaway
on TV before they finish them.

All right, let's do it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What?

What are you doing?

What? What are you talking about?
Are you two-strapping?

My backpack? Yeah.

Yeah, I got to be
seen with you.

You got to one-strap it.

Seriously, I would no-strap it
if that would even be possible.

Okay, what makes you the expert?

I was cool in high school,
and you weren't.

Okay, that makes sense.
Continue.

The Three Keys of Coolness
in High School, by Jenko.

One, don't try hard at anything.

Okay? Two, make fun
of people who do try.

Three, be handsome.

Four, if anyone steps to you
on the first day of school,

you punch them
directly in the face.

Five, drive a kick-ass car.

Shit.

All right, but just don't be
driving it like teenagers,

revving up the engine
and shit, okay?

We would never.

Come on, Hoffs.
Give us a little credit.

Hey, you ready?
Go!

That was awesome!
That was amazing.

Was I flying?
That was amazing.

All right, do mine, do mine.

Okay, ready?
Here I go.

Yeah, yeah.

You Okay?

I think I shit my pants.

Hey, park in
that handicapped spot.

It'll make us look cool.

That's awesome.

Dude?

Everybody's
two-strapping it.

Just stay with
the one-strap.

I can't. I can't.
I can't right now.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Don't succumb to
the peer pressure.

What are you doing? You're
supposed to use two straps.

One strap is peer pressure.

No. No. You're fucking
up right now.

Okay, those are Goths.

Those are nerds.

I don't know what they are.

What the fuck are those things?

I'm so confused right now.

Whoa.

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.
Good morning.

Hey, yo. Hey.

Is that your car?
Yeah.

What's that thing get,
10 miles to the gallon?

No, try, like, seven.

What about you?
Biodiesel, dawg.

Smells like egg rolls.

Yeah, it does.

Runs on leftover fry oil
from Hunan Palace.

But we try to
ride bikes when we can.

Global crisis and whatnot.

Whatever, man.

I don't care about anything.

You don't care
about the environment?

That's kind of fucked up, man.

Hey, hey,
will y'all shut the hell up?

I'm trying to study.
Thanks.

Look at him. He's trying.

He's actually trying.
What a nerd.

Look at the nerd.
Look at the nerd.

Look at him.
Look at the nerd.

Who you calling a nerd, man?

I'm sorry. What...

Shit!
Shit, dude.

Are you okay, man? Hey, what the hell?
Are you serious?

Well, turn that
gay-ass music off.

You punched me because I'm gay?
What?

No. Oh, Come on.

That's not cool, man.

That is really insensitive.

I didn't punch him
because he's gay.

I punched him,

and then he happened to turn
out to be gay afterwards.

I was gay when you punched me!

In a weird way,

it might have been
homophobic not to punch you

just because you were gay.
Right.

You punched a little gay
black kid in the face,

and it's not even second period.
How do you explain that?

Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that.
I just...

Look, guys, I'm going
to relate to you, okay?

A kid died the other
day from drugs,

and nobody, including me,
is doing anything about it.

That's weird, guys.

And then you two show up,
with 30 days left,

causing trouble in my school.

I am one more black gay kid
getting punched in the face

away from a nervous breakdown.

Do I make myself clear?

You guys cross my line again,

and you walk into this office,
I'm going to expel you.

You got me?

All right, let's do this.
Which one of you is Doug?

Let's do that again and pretend
you guys aren't weird.

Which one of you is named Doug?

No, dude, I'm Brad.
Okay, good.

So that means your
name is Doug, son.

Yeah, I'm Doug.
Great.

Here are your class schedules.

Funny, I wouldn't have taken
you for the brainy type.

I wouldn't. But you as a drama
geek, far less surprising.

Thank you.

Now we have the wrong
identities, you dumb-ass.

I'm in drama.
I suck at drama.

It's girly and embarrassing.

Oh, my God. Relax, dude.
Who cares?

I can fake my way
through band practice

and app chemistry
for a few weeks.

AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry.
And, no, you can't,

because you don't even know what
it's actually fucking called!

It's going to be fine.

You go to my classes,
and I'm going to go to yours.

Okay, now, chemistry's
the one with

the shapes and shit, right?

Fuck.

So, we are going to hold auditions
for the Peter Pan part today.

Billiam would've
wanted the show to go on.

When I was a young actor just
starting out in New York state,

Albany, to be exact,

I booked a local
television commercial...

Hey.

...In which I had to
play a young man...

It's really sad about
that kid. He was talented.

So are you saying if he wasn't
talented, it would be less sad?

No. No, no, no,
that's not what I meant.

I was just busting your balls.

Okay. Good.

I remember, one time, doing cocaine
with Willie Nelson's horse,

and we were having so much fun.

And then I realized
that she was dead.

I remember one summer...

Do kids still do this stuff?

Even after what
happened to him?

Everyone's saying that
Billiam had a heart murmur.

Pretty much
everyone I know does it,

but it's not my thing.

It's not really
my thing, either,

but a buddy of mine
really wants it.

Who would he call
if he wanted it?

Well, you can tell your friend

that if he really wanted it,

it's not so hard to find.

When to take it. He
shouldn't have been taking it at all.

Drugs are bad.

But they can have their place in
the life of a professional actor.

Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.

Notice the distinction.
I said "professional actor."

New person.
Mr. Texty Texty.

Since you have so
much to say to Molly,

let's see if you can
be Peter to our Wendy.

You look like you might have
a little Peter inside of you.

Uh, I can't. I'm fine just
being a tree or something.

Doug, you never won't know

what you can't achieve
before you don't achieve it.

My point is,

you have to. Everyone
auditions for Peter.

Yeah, sure.

My favorite molecule is water.

I'd marry it, unless
it was my daughter.

Its solid form
floats on its liquid form,

which makes it far
outside the norm.

It allowed life to
form on ancient Mars,

and we use it to wash our cars.

H2O.

H2O. H2O.

H2O It's okay.
Thank you.

Thank you, Zack.
Whoo! So good.

All right, anybody else for
Molecule Mondays? Anyone?

Okay.
Time for a pop Quiznos.

A What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

What is your name? Brad?

Brad. Yes, ma'am.
Wow. Look at you,

Brad. Big.

Uh...

What is a pop Quiznos?

It's a quiz, and the first
person who finishes

gets a $10 gift
certificate to Quiznos.

Today's quiz is on...

You look really old.

Were you held back
or something or...

No. You look super young.

Were you held forward?

I went to school
in France, so...

And they do, like, two extra
years of middle school there.

It's so lame.

French, the language of love.

That's cool, man.
It's nice to meet you also.

Hey.

Good luck.

Okay.

Um...

Maybe try one cooler.

And faster.

And louder.
And better.

And less insecure
and more just cool.

Okay, yeah,
those are great notes.

I'm going to run outside,

and I'm going to utilize those,
and I'm going to come back.

It's such bullshit.

Oh.

Wow. You're fast.

Not like that.
Just, let me check you out.

Let me check out your chest.

Check out your test...
Let me...

Let me grade your quiz.

Um, can I go take a dump?

Yeah, okay.
That's cool.

Oh. We have this
"hurry back" rule,

so if you're not
back in six minutes,

I have to send you
to the principal.

Rules are rules, so,

I guess this will
have to be a quickie.

Which way is yearbook?
I don't know.

Is it this way?
I don't know!

Yo.

Hey.

You guys, huh?

Um...

That was a total mix-up,
what happened earlier.

Yeah. He feels awful.
He feels...

Totally, very nervous.

You're the dealer?

You're the dealer guy?
Is that you?

Yep.

So do you make the stuff or...

Do I look like a fucking scientist?
No, I just sell it.

Yeah, he just sells it Come on.

Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

I meant I just...
How many you guys want?

20 bucks a pop.

One each?
One pop each of drugs.

You guys aren't narcs, are you?

Whoa!

Dude, come on.
No! Maybe you're a narc.

You know who
calls people narcs?

Narcs, narc.

First of all, your argument kind
of just collapsed on itself,

because if you call us narcs,

if narcs call people narcs, and you
call us narcs, then that's kind of...

'Cause you just said that.
They call people...

Look, I don't have
time for this shit.

You guys want to
do this or not?

Jesus.
Yes.

Yes, yes.
No problem.

All right, take it here
so I know you're cool.

I'm sorry. What?

We were going to take it home.

I gotta go back to class,

is the only thing.

I was thinking that I
was going to go home,

maybe turn down the lights,

getting snuggy,
get a little weird.

I was going to take it,
and then masturbate later.

Okay, I'm not asking.

Take it now or
get the fuck out.

I got to finish the girls'
volleyball page by lunch.

Yeah?

Yeah, no, it's all good.

I love doing drugs at school.

I'll just take
the drugs right here,

in our mouths.

There you go. That's it.

Mmm. Mmm.

What is that?
Barbecue? Cool Ranch?

Have fun.

You got to pull the trigger!
Okay.

You got to pull the trigger!

We got to throw up, man.
I can't.

We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died.
We got to throw up.

Just think of something gross.
Think of something gross.

You fucking think of something.

Okay, all right, all right.

Your grandma's vagina,

and there's a dick
going into it.

What the fuck are you saying? I don't know!
I'm just trying!

I'm trying my best! I'm just trying!
Fuck! Come on, man!

Dude, let's just
finger each other's mouths.

No!
Yeah.

No, you're not
fingering my mouth.

Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?

Okay, fine!

Let's go. Come on. Come on!
Come on!

What are you doing? Are
you trying to find my G-spot?

Just stick it in! I don't know.
I've never done this before!

Just stick it in! Go!

Cut your fucking fingernails!

Oh, God!

Is it me?

I'm sorry.

I just can't sometimes.

Think we're going to be fine.
I don't feel anything.

Me, neither.

Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

You got a pass for running
around the hallways

like a couple of
ding-a-lings?

Pass, in your hand.

Hello.

Oh, damn.

You guys are late.

Now I'm going to have to take
you to the principal's office.

No, no, no, man. Come on, please.
Sorry. Come on, please.

You have exceptional muscle
tone there, young man.

When'd you go through puberty?
Like, at seven or something?

You look like you're in your
mid-20s, for crying out loud.

McQuaid, huh?
Doug McQuaid.

I read your file.

You got a lot of something special
going on there, young man.

What the hell was that?
God damn it, son!

Don't ever raise your hand to
me like that again, all right?

I consider that a threat.

I was just
saying that I'm Doug.

I'm Doug McQuaid.

See, that's Brad.

That's Brad.

You're the new kid
who's All County in track?

Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,

the track star, and this is
Brad, the science prodigy.

He's really fast.

Is this funny to you guys?

So you're Doug.

You're Doug. You're Doug.

Here's the deal.

My track team is full of
physically incapable rejects.

I mean, if I wasn't the coach,
I'd be laughing my ass off

at how spastic they are,
but I am the coach,

so I need you.

I need me some Doug McQuaid.

Understand?

I need you to run anchor on the
4 X 400 at today's track meet.

You do that,
and I'll sign this pass.

Don't blow on me, son.

I haven't trained.

Guys, don't make me take you
to the principal's office.

Do we have a deal?

Yes.

Nice.

I don't like that. Put your
tongue back in your mouth.

Put your tongue in
your mouth, and close it.

What are you doing?
Stop it.

Actually, that's not bad.

All right, here you go.

Are you guys on drugs?

Okay.

One particle of Unobtainium has

a nuclear reaction
with a flux capacitor.

Carry the two,
changing its atomic isotoner

into a radioactive spider.

Fuck you, science!

All right, all right, we're good.
Whoo!

We're good. We're good, man.
We're good.

We're good, baby.
Whoo!

Good work.
Hit that shit.

Christoph, did you feel that?

Who are you?

Welcome aboard, Peter.

Whoo! No, keep it going!

Keep it going.
That was so tight!

No, no, no, keep it going.
Keep it going.

All right, let's go, McQuaid!

All right! Yeah!

I like it!
I like the confidence, son!

I know y'all seen
this shit before.

I know you've seen
this shit before.

Huge lead! Huge lead!
We got this. All right.

You're looking amped!

Here we go.

Here we go!
Here we go!

Hey, pick it up!

Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up.
What are you doing?

What are you doing?
Pick it...

What? McQuaid!

Don't throw the baton,
you jackass!

Come on!

McQuaid!

Run that way!

Spike that!
Fuck you, Miles Davis!

Let's go, God damn it!
Let's do this!

Let's go! Come on!

Oh, my God.

No, no.

No, stop.

Come here.
Come here.

Don't make a...

That is a baton penis.

Oh, speak of the devil!

Dude, that was awesome how you
sabotaged that track meet, man.

Organized sports are so fascist.
It makes me sick.

That's just what I do.

Okay. Shit, man. See
you around, all right?

I don't get this school.

That was awesome.

Okay, so we stayed up
all night making this.

It's awesome. You're
really going to like it.

All yarn work
was done by Jenko.

Okay, Captain, look, the
dealers are the popular kids,

but they're not normal popular.

They're these crunchy granola dudes
that have convinced everyone

that they're cool,
and they're not cool.

It's backwards and unnatural,
and it's got to be stopped.

Lead dealer, Eric Moison.
Alpha dog.

Sick chicks, killer steeze.

Did the AIDS run this year.

He's getting into Berkeley,
early admish,

and he totally gets me.

Who put this together?
Are you autistic?

It is artistic,
sir, because the thing is,

the yarn actually indicates...

We're compiling a list

of suspicious types at school.
The users are here.

This kid was actually talking
to a tree this morning.

Cut the bullshit!

I want to know
who's the supplier.

We don't know. That's why there's
a question mark on his face.

That's not the way his face looks.
That's just a question mark.

Infiltrate the dealers,
find the supplier.

Simple.

Sounds like you guys really
cracked the whole case.

Great job.
You guys are on fire.

So proud.

Like you could do any better?

We just brought down
a group of wannabe thugs

stripping down cars in the
Garfield High metal shop.

What?

Meanwhile, you two
were standing around

finger-popping
each other's assholes.

We're not finger-popping
each other's assholes.

What we're doing is
getting shit done.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

I'm about to infiltrate
a super high-tech

drug manufacturing ring
in the chemistry classroom.

Password!
Open the door!

You have to say the password.
I'm sorry. What?

What are you...

Geez.

What are y'all doing?
How'd you get a key in here?

Ms. Griggs gave us one so we
could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.

Bakugan?
You dealing drugs?

Let me see. You dealing drugs?
No.

It's just a card game. It's,
like, a hybrid card game.

See? They open up.
Battle Brawlers.

You're not doing anything illegal?
No.

What are you doing in here?

I'm here to study.

Good. You could use it. You're
pretty far behind, so...

You're behind.
I'm ahead.

I know everything.
Really?

What's a covalent bond?

Fuck you, man. I don't
need to tell you.

I wasn't trying to be rude.
Sorry.

I just... I don't think
you know everything.

I know everything.

Okay.

What kind of
bullshit do they say

about a covalent bond
in this school?

They say it's when two atoms
share both their electrons.

It helps them to
stick together.

I could help you out if you
want, tutor you for the test.

What are you doing with
all those phones anyway?

I crack and jailbreak kids' phones
to try and save for college.

You know, I switch
their wireless carriers,

get them restricted apps.

Can you listen in on
phone calls and stuff?

No, no, I can't install a spyware
to remotely monitor calls

or anything that
the mic picks up.

I can't do that at all.

Wait, you can't do it?

No, I can't.

Is he being sarcastic?
I don't know.

So you can.

Liking comic books is popular.

Environmental awareness,
being tolerant.

If I was just
born 10 years later,

I would have been
the coolest person ever.

I know.
It's bullshit.

You know what?

I totally know the cause.

Glee. Fuck you, Glee.

Man, I got to say,
this is kind of awesome.

I might become popular. I might
get in with the popular kids.

We just have to do something wildly
irresponsible to earn their trust.

You saying we
should throw a party?

I'll invite Molly,

and then Molly will
invite Eric,

and that'll be the quickest way
for me to bro down with him.

Wouldn't it be better if we both
infiltrated the cool kids' group?

I think it would be
better if you get in

with the nerdy kids and see
what's going on over there.

That'd be the best
thing for the case.

Yeah. I mean,
I guess that makes sense.

Hello?
Hey. Is this Molly?

Speaking.

Hey. It's Schmidt.

It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.

Oh. Hey, man.

It's so weird that
you're calling me.

I pretty much text except for
when a random old relative calls.

Uh I was just calling 'cause we're
costarring in this play together,

- and...
- Hello?

Mom, get off the phone!

Oh. Sorry, Doug,

my teen son.
Mom!

I love you, honey, Dougie
Doug, Douglas McQuaid.

Mom, so serious right now!
Stop!

I'm sorry.
My mom's such a dick.

Ugh! She just, like,
smothers me with affection

and makes me feel
like I'm five years old.

Wow. You're a sharer.
I dig that.

Well, I'm 18 years old,

and my mom still packs
a lunch for me every day.

There was this one month where she
bought me 43 stuffed animals.

The doctor thought I was gonna
spontaneously grow a vagina.

I didn't, though,
just to be clear.

Yeah, because
you already had one.

Exactly.
I already had one.

And you don't need two vaginas.
You just don't.

Although you could
use one as a coin purse.

I never got any stuffed
animals growing up.

Oh, wait, actually, that's not true.
I did.

My dad gave me a stuffed puppy
the day he bailed on us.

I'm just fucking with you.

That is a weird joke.

I thought your dad
abandoned your family.

No, he did walk out on us, though.
Oh.

But he didn't even
leave me a stuffed puppy.

Just broken dreams.

Oh, man. Well, I guess,
to that, I would say,

well, uh,

that there are some
good guys out there,

and I wouldn't let,
you know, one experience

taint your memory.

Oh, my God.

Are you getting choked up?
I'm sorry if I made you upset.

No, it's just, you know, I don't
like when guys are mean to girls.

Yeah. Well, thanks.

Normal transition here.

Actually, I'm having a party next weekend.
You should come!

You and Eric and Juario,
whatever.

Do you mind if I just put,
like, a posting on Facebook?

Okay. Yeah, yeah!

I should call you back.

Well, all right, I'll see you at school.
You're a great person.

Bye-bye. Bye,
Bye.

What the fuck are you...

Are y'all throwing a party?

What?

There's rumors in
the Twittersphere.

And if any of my officers

are caught giving
alcohol to minors,

they'll find theyself in prison

with a snorkel
duct-taped to they mouth

and me shitting
down that snorkel.

That's extremely vivid.
Thank you.

You're the best.
You are the best.

Oh, my God.
We love you.

Enjoy the vineyard.
You boys be good, now.

Yeah, I can't believe
you guys did this for us.

Bye!

"We love you"?
What are you doing?

Why you saying "I
love you" to my mom?

I'm in character. Shut up.
It's weird.

Look, dude, it's kind
of like we're brothers.

Wait, how are we
going to buy alcohol?

Dude, I don't have a fake ID.

How are we going to
get drugs for the party?

Oh, no.

We got a pound of coke.

We're trying to show them a good
time, not ruin their fucking lives.

Pound of marijuana?

Best party ever.
Boo-yah!

To a brilliant idea

from my brilliant brother

that I love so very much.

And this is going
to fucking rock.

Cheers, man.
Cheers.

Who invited you guys?
I did!

The party's here!

What's up, Zack?
Hey, buddy.

What's up, Roman?

This is crazy. This is, like, the
craziest thing I've ever been a part of.

Where is Eric, man?
He said he'd be here.

Do we have enough chips?

Is this playlist
too dance-y?

Feels too dance-y.
Too dance-y?

What are you talking about?

I don't know,
it just feels dance-y.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

That's my mom's Kokopelli vase.

I got it, I got it.

Doug, Doug, hey!

Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.

Such a bad joke.

Terrible, terrible.

You guys know each other, right?
Yeah.

Get ready,
get ready, there's Eric.

Wait for the signal.

And then you come in here
looking like a rock-solid 10.

What?

What's up, man, how you doing?

Eco Suave.

Whoa.

Wow, so I'm really
digging this decor.

Very Native American.

Yeah, our parents are actually

really into Native American...
Let's rock and roll.

- Sorry.
- What are y'all doing?

Come on. Did you
guys even see Eric?

Seriously,
did you not see Eric?

No offense, man,
but your brother sucks.

Yo, this is butt. There's,
like, no hot dudes here.

Man, let's bounce.
We're out of here, man.

No, no, no, come on, you guys
just got here, you just got here.

Come on, let me at
least give you a tour.

Okay, boys, come on, we did
it, we can do this, just go,

just go as fast as
you possibly can.

Taking out the SIM card.

Taking out the SIM card.

Come on, CSI
the shit out of this thing.

Are you drunk?
No.

Have you even
been drunk before?

No, but“ Give me this.

What? Can we get some
bitches up in here?

'Cause it's just
boys right now.

No, you can't get
any bitches up here.

This is my parents' bedroom.

What the fuck, bro? Some privacy!
Shit, shit, shit!

And that is
a really gross three-way.

But what was the girl
in the back doing?

Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.

Cool, yeah.

Hey, man, thank you
for the hospitality,

but we got to get going.
You know how it is, yeah?

Dude, tell me about it.

Is it ready? He's gonna
leave right now.

It's extracting right now.

Dude, it's now or never!
Is it ready or not?

Read this. "Please wait.
Extracting data from SIM card."

Shit! It's a bust.

- Keep it casual.
- Yeah.

Go with the flow, dude.
Cool, man.

I don't like to make plans or whatever.
You got it.

Thank you again, though, man.
All right.

Eric, Eric, Eric.
Hey, man, what's up?

Hey, why you here, Scott?

What, Kennedy High isn't
having any parties tonight?

No, I heard you guys were
partying with some new stuff.

Wanted to know your hookup so me
and my boys can get in on it.

Got other commitments on
that front, so, you know...

I wasn't asking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take five, take five, man,
let me get this. I got this.

Yeah? You sure?
I got this one.

Hey, big player,
I don't know who you are.

Don't worry about who I am.
I'm worried about it.

Why? 'Cause you're at my
party right now, dude.

This is my temple, this is where
I come to find peace, dawg,

and you're coming in here

like an emotional bull
in a china shop,

metaphorically knocking over
vases, messing with my crew,

and I'm like,

"What, Scott, what, Scott, what,
what, what, what, Scott?"

It's that kind of party?
Yeah, dude.

Matter of fact, it's
getting hot in here, huh?

No, it's getting real.
It's getting very real.

Yeah. It's like seven strangers
living in one house.

True story.

You want Real World?
Yeah, let's do it, man.

Come on. What's your Real...
Here's Real World.

What was that?
Did you hear that?

Real enough for you?

Schmidt. Doug.

What do I do?
Hit him!

Shit! That hurt worse
than when he hit me!

Fight normal.

Yo, I'm serious.

Sorry.

I'll fucking kill you!

I'm sorry!
I'm very sorry!

Seriously, use your words,
use your words!

I kicked him in the nuts.

Fight's over, dude!
Fight's over! Fight's over!

No, watch my mom's shit, man!

I'm gonna fucking kill you!
You'll knock over my mom's vase!

Fuck your mom's vase!

Fuck this!

Oh, shit!

Yeah!

That's my brother!

That was insane!

You're so cool!

Did you see that shit?
That was crazy.

Oh, shit,

when did I get stabbed?

That's awesome.

Yeah!

Is that a cop?

Where?

No, it's not. Here.

Oh, I'm so glad we're going
back to get my phone.

I just hope we
don't wake up Schmidty.

Oh, my God,
he's a policeman now.

It's like we're
living with a narc.

The boy is an angel.

Pull it out!

Pull it out! Pull it out!
Pull it out!

Sorry!

Aw...

Okay, let's take some shots.

Shots, shots!

That's like us fucking Mother
Earth without a condom.

What the fuck is going on?

Annie, hang on.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Get out of my house. I said get out!
The party's over!

I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!

The mom is coming!

Listen to me!
Chill out! Chill out!

Let go of me! SCHMIDT:
You're embarrassing me

in front of my friends!
Get back here, you shit!

Dude, that was so crazy, man.

I swear, best party
I've been to in years.

Dude, I'm doing
crazy stuff like that,

like, all the time, man.
I bet you are.

Dude, I'm so amped
right now, God!

You, dude, I like you, man.

How do you feel about making
a little extra money?

Whatever it is, I'm in.

All right, here's the deal.

Okay, I can't sell
all this shit on my own,

but I only bring
in people I like.

Okay, you do good, maybe we bring
you in on what we're doing,

I introduce you to my hookup.
How's that sound?

Cool with me.
My man.

That is my man...

That was nuts.
I lost you guys.

Um... Hey, thank you again
for the party, man.

Yo, yo.

Come on!

I love dick"?

You think that's funny?

"Wonder Years douche"?

What kind of
a sick animal draws

an ejaculating penis
into an 8-year-old's mouth?

It's arguably, like,
an airplane throwing up.

You think I don't know
that's a dick and balls?

I know all about
dick and balls!

I partied with Robert Downey Jr.
before he got sober,

when he was really fucked
up and a lot of fun!

You know what? From now on,
you're gonna do some chores.

You're gonna wash the laundry,
you're gonna fold it,

you're gonna do the dishes, you're
gonna mow the lawn...

Dude, I have
a surprise for you.

Last night at the party,
I took Eric's phone

and I had Zack put this
monitoring device in it,

so we're gonna get to hear every single
thing that little prick is up to.

Dude, I don't know if
that was a good idea.

What?

What if you had gotten found out?
But it worked.

This is, like, the smartest
move I've ever pulled,

so, I'm sorry, what are you
getting mad at me for?

I'm not getting mad at you.

I'm glad you have
something to do.

Good.

What's up?

Great job, Schmidt.

Password!

Kneel before Zod!

You may enter.

Thank you, Zod.

Let's tap that wire, huh?

We were just about to go outside
with a bunch of chemicals.

We were going to
test what blows up.

There's no reason the wiretap
is super urgent, right?

Not that I can think of
that would make sense.

Go for it, go for it.

Look out.
Go, go, go!

Yes!

Yes, that's what
I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about!

I love this science shit!

This is what you guys do all day?
Let's do it again.

Are you texting Molly?

Uh, what?

I don't...
Molly, uh...

Maybe. Is that...

Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.

I'm not some, like, '50s
letterman who pins a girl.

I mean, yeah, we blow each other
sometimes, but it's not a thing.

I just, like...

I don't know, I don't believe
in possessions, ja feel?

Ja feel, ja definitely feel.

Yeah.
Schmidty?

Schmidty.

Phyllis.

I'll be right back, dude.
Okay.

Hey. How are you?

How is my
favorite police officer?

Okay.

Your mother told me
that you are undercover.

Listen, now
is not a really good time.

Are you undercover right now?

Yes, it means I'm
undercover right now.

Are those the bad
guys over there?

Do they have guns?

Oh, my God. Oh, God,
this is so exciting.

I have got to call Annie. She
is gonna die.

I heard that that Jenko
boy is your partner.

Where is my phone?
Okay, okay.

Shut your fucking mouth.

Shut your fucking mouth,
you understand me? Shh...

Let's go check this out.

I will straight-up punch you in
the face if you do not shut up.

There is no...

A straight-up face punch.

I swear to God,
you're gonna get me killed.

Hey, yo.
That is...

Shit! She just tried
to grab my dick, dude!

What?
You tried to grab his...

She tried to grab my junk.

She was like, "Oh, my
God, I have arthritis,"

"it hurts my hand, I need to
grab a handful of that dick."

I was like,
"Get the fuck off me!"

She said, "I need to grab
a handful of that dick"?

And it felt good, but then
it felt weird for a second,

so I pushed her.
We got to get out of here.

All right,
cool, let's get the...

Ah, so your
parents are just cool

with having
people over whenever?

Yeah, you know,
they're out most nights.

Pretty laissez-faire
about the whole thing.

You're so lucky your parents
don't give a shit about you.

Right?

This place is awesome.
Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

How's it going?

Wow, that's a bigger hug
than I was expecting.

Sorry. I'm happy to see you.

Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

Hey.
Oh, hey.

Good?
Mmm-hmm.

All right, come on.
Yeah, let's...

I brought tacos,
so that's cool.

Hey, boys, this eco-pussy
is going down today.

It's really not a planet.
It's for sure a planet.

Pluto is a planet.

It's ready!
It used to be a planet.

It's ready.
Not any more.

I'm embarrassed.

I always feel
exposed after playing.

Do not feel exposed.

I got to use the bathroom.

Is it in there? ERIC: Yeah,
yeah, right up there, dude.

All right, all right, all right, all right.
God damn that.

The mic is live and we can
hear how the other half lives.

What are you doing?

I heard something.

Hey, can
I ask you something? Sit down.

Okay.

I just want to make sure that you
and Eric are going to be careful

with whatever it is that
you're getting involved in.

Yeah, I promise we will.

It would just suck
if something bad happened,

because you're a good guy.

Yeah, no, I feel
the same way about you,

except girl version.

You're a girl.

I am.
Yeah.

That's why I put this dress on,

to remind you.
Exactly.

Are you excited about the play?

Yes.

Yeah, you were just

right in there with excitement.
Yes.

No hesitash.
I'm very excited.

Yeah.

Does that make me a super nerd?

No, not at all.

We get to act together.

What a vagina. He has
no chance with her.

So...

Shit.
Sorry.

You're on the prom committee.
Mmm-hmm.

Do you think it's
going to be fun?

Did she just bring
up prom on her own?

She did, she just brought up prom.
What is she doing?

I think it's
going to be awesome.

Prom eats a dong.
Multiple dongs.

All right, anyone who says

they don't care about prom
actually secretly does.

Who we gonna take to the prom?

No one's going to prom with us.

Come on, picture it.

You pull up in a white
stallion of a limo.

You got fine-ass
honeys with you.

You're dressed to the nines
with your best buds.

Doves fly out behind
you, slow motion.

Doves. Why doves?

'Cause doves make you look
like a badass, that's why.

I am pretty skeptical,

but maybe,
if someone fun asked me,

I would go.

Aren't... Isn't...
Aren't you and Eric...

Wouldn't you and Eric
go together?

Not that I know of.

Uh...

Would you...

He's going to choke.

He always chokes. He's going
to choke, wait for it.

So would...

So would...

Would you...

Mayb...

Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

Yeah.

That is the actual
sound of choking.

I was wondering if you...

Would you

maybe want to go

with me to prom?

Would you want to go to me...

Maybe with me to prom?

Yes.

I would love to go
to prom with you.

What?
She just said yes!

Whoa.
Wow.

Good for you, Doug.

Thank you for asking.

Put her there, man.

Just put...
Put it right there.

I'm putting it right there.

Yeah. There you guys are.

What's up, my man?

Hi.
How you doing?

Whazzup?
Yeah.

Doug...
Okay, settle an argument.

You and your brother
aren't related, right?

'Cause you look
totally different.

He's adopted.

We all suspect from
a very lame family.

Where is he tonight?

Probably at home
with those lame tools

he hangs outwith.
I don't know.

You know how Tom Cruise is
always pissed off at Rain Man?

That's like my life, except
Brad is really shitty at math.

Your brother's kind of a dick.

Well, yeah

he kind of is, isn't he?

Don't listen to that.

I don't give a fuck.

Dude, Eric is
the funniest IM-er.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, hey, guys. It's so
funny seeing you here.

How are you?
Guess what, I don't care.

We just closed our third
high school operation.

And check what
we found at Kennedy.

Looks like we're going to
have to do your job for you.

Your drugs is spreading to
different schools now, sucker.

You failed to stop the outbreak,
and you have no leads!

We are running out of time!

You either find the supplier,

or I'm gonna jump your
asses off Jump Street!

I totally understand where
you're coming from, sir,

but, look, I heard Eric
talking on the phone yesterday

with somebody that
sounded very suspect

about meeting up
with a stuffed piñata.

Is that a code for sex?

Piñata? Really?
Yep.

Remember that wiretap
I put on Eric's phone?

While you were having the time of your
life last night, I was listening.

I overheard a phone call between
Eric and some dude about a piñata.

That's all you heard?

Yep.

I am so nervous.

We are about to premiere
in front of the whole school.

I apologize in advance
if I throw up on you onstage.

Serious question, though.

How do I look?

Ravishing.

Is it too sexy of an outfit?

Bend the knee a little bit.

Yep, it is.

Oh, it's going to be so much
easier having you onstage with me.

I am so happy that I met you.

You're, like, the only guy
that I can really trust.

Yep. That's me.

Doug.

Potassium nitrate.

Don't hate.
It's great.

It can act as an oxidizer.

I didn't know that,
but now I'm wiser.

It has a crystalline structure.

If you can't respect that,
you're a butt muncher.

It's a key ingredient
in gunpowder.

K-NO-three,
don't give no grief.

It can be used to
make corned beef.

It's also known as saltpeter.

Brad?
Shit.

Where are you going?

I don't want to look like
it's like I'm wearing makeup.

Right.
Doug! HL

Brad!

Whoa. What are you wearing?

Potassium nitrate.
Thanks for noticing.

I need to borrow you.

Now's not a good time, Brad.

Mmm-hmm.
It's a really good time.

'Cause my piñata is killing me.

Is that code for a sex thing?

It's leaving the parking lot.

Piñata?
Mmm-hmm.

Molly, uh,

I will be right back. I need to
help Brad with something, okay?

I just need to help Brad
with something real quick.

What? No. What?
I promise you...

Do you understand how soon
the show is starting?

I swear to you I will be
back in time for curtain.

I swear. I swear to you. Tell
me you understand how soon...

What? Are you kidding me?

What did I say?
What did I say?

See? Whose wiretap is
working for him now, huh?

Shit.

Fuck!

You told me not to
worry about the tickets!

I thought they
made us look cool.

Cones, cones...

Driver's ed car.

I'm driving.
No, you're not.

I never get to drive.
I'm driving this time.

Fine! Drive!

Hey, guys. Just borrowing
this for one sec.

Sure.

Go. Go, go, go, go.

Guys, hey, wait. Guys,
you're not on the list.

Hey, guys, wait!
Ah, who cares?

Holy fucking shit.
No fucking way.

Those are the guys
from the park.

That's just too crazy.

What do you think's
in that thing?

I don't know, money, drugs.

They could be a new buyer,
or they could be the supplier.

If it's good,
you'll hear from me.

If it's not good,
you'll hear from me

about telling you
how it's not good.

Makes sense.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, no worries, man.

I'll see you guys.

We definitely got to follow
them and find out, though.

Get down! Get down!
Get down! Get down!

What are you doing?
If they see us,

just pretend like
you're sucking my dick.

What? No!
Yes. Stop.

You pretend like
you're sucking my dick.

No, just pretend like
you're sucking my dick.

Why am I automatically
blowing you?

'Cause you're in
a fucking Peter Pan costume!

Okay.

Okay, let's go.
Let's go, let's go.

Go, go, go. Okay, fine,
we'll follow them.

But we need to be back in
30 minutes for curtain.

Dude, did you just
hit the teacher brake?

Yeah, you're
following too close, dude.

They're going to make us.
Well, if I go too far back,

it's going to look even more
suspicious, so just stop.

God, just let me do my thing.

I know what I'm doing.

Seriously,
if you do that again,

I'm going to Whac-A-Mole
you in the balls.

Just stay back.

I could not be more serious.

Take your foot off the brake.

No. I'm not... No.
Take your foot off the brake!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Look what you did!
Look what you did!

What the fuck? You
non-driving motherfuckers!

Get the fuck out of the car!

Oh, fuck.

Lock the door!
Lock the door!

What do I do?
Go away!

What are you,
a fucking Keebler Elf?

Get him out of that car!

No, no!
It's fucking ZZ Top!

No, no! No, no, no!
It's fucking ZZ Top!

Like an angry walrus!

I stomp the car now!

Oh, my God!

Stomp! Stomp!
Oh, shit.

Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Just let me drive!

Stop hitting me!

Dude, watch out!

Will you stop
front-seat driving?

Get your hands off the wheel!

Man, you just hit
two people back there!

You stop. I'm not... Take
your hands off. Shit!

We're stuck in traffic!
Oh, shit.

Shit, they're coming!
They're coming! What?

Oh, my God, dude.

What do we do?

What the...
What the...

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. What's wrong with you?
Run!

I can't!
I'm wearing tights!

I got skinny jeans on!
It's the same fucking thing!

They're going to
make us, or kill us.

Porsche! Porsche! Police!
Get out of the car, douche!

I'm on a call here, jackass.

That's right.
Go to sleep, bitch.

You just got head-butted,
motherfucker!

Go, go, go, go, go, go! Shit.

Check around for a gun
or something, all right?

Where? Where? There's
no glove compartment

in this shitty-ass car!
There's golf balls and this.

What am I supposed to do with this?
I don't know, man!

I've never been in
a freeway chase before!

Watch out! It's going to explode!
It's going to go!

What happened?
I don't know.

It just didn't explode.
That's weird.

Can anybody
tell me where my Peter is?

French!
You're not my first choice,

but I need you
to go on as Peter.

Oh, gosh. And I've been in
character for months now.

Great. Nobody cares.

Come on!
Another traffic jam?

I'm sorry I didn't
check the traffic report

before we got in a car chase!
Let's go! Come on!

Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Shit!

Are you texting?

No, I'm not texting!

Yes, you are!
You're texting!

No, I'm not!

Okay, almost done.

"LOL."

I'm driving!

Why do you always jump
over the car like that?

Hi. Hi. How are you?

Hi.
God damn, you are beautiful.

Oh. Hi.
You are fine as shit.

Don't worry.
Someone will pick you up.

Wow.
Hurry. Just drive.

Wait. Pick me up?

They're coming! They're coming!
I got an idea.

Why don't you text them

and ask them to
stop chasing us?

Oh, shit!

He's got a gun!

I'm going to throw
this thing at him!

Okay, you don't have
to narrate everything!

Just throw it!
Okay! Okay, okay!

It's going to explode! Oh, my God!
Roll up the windows!

What the fuck is that going to do?
Roll it up!

I don't fucking care! Just do it!
Oh, God!

Huh?

I really thought that one
was going to explode.

Oh, shit!

Look in the glove
compartment for a gun.

What are you talking about?
We're in a pink Bug!

I don't care. Look in the
goddamn glove compartment!

What the hell?

Shoot
Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!

Shoot the gun!
Shoot the gun!

Can't get a good shot, man!
I can't get a good shot!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Take the shot!

Take the shot! Just shoot him!
Let's go!

Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.

Shoot! Shoot!
Shit, shit...

That's what exploded?
Holy shit. That was crazy.

Why did you shoot for me?

You weren't shooting,
you were choking,

so I had to save us.
I was going to shoot.

You always do this,
every single time.

What?

Seriously, just take
me back to school, man.

If I miss this play,
Molly's going to freak out

and she's not going
to go to prom with me.

Are you fucking serious right now?
Fuck, yes, I'm serious!

Can't believe you made me late.
You're so selfish.

I'm selfish?
Yes, you're selfish!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Look at yourself!

You're in too deep, man.

Yesterday, I found a college
application on your desk!

I don't know how long this
case is going to last.

And Eric's going to
get into Berkeley,

and, honestly,
I can get in, too.

Who knows? I could
ride this thing out.

I could be
a doctor or something.

Have you lost
your fucking mind?

You screwed this
investigation all up.

At least I know my Miranda
rights, you idiot.

You are a very
silly man indeed.

Boys, squaws, come quickly.

Hey! Sorry!
It's okay. I'm here.

I know I missed
the first few scenes.

I want to thank... Give
it up to French Samuels

for ably backing me up.

Fuck you, Doug!
What?

I say we just roll
right into this thing, huh?

This is my twin.
We're together in...

Get the fuck out of here.

What are you doing? Have you
completely lost your mind?

What is this?

I don't know, but it's
already more exciting.

You're embarrassing me.

It's okay.
I'll make it up to you.

And... Let's fly!

- Such bullshit!
- Get off of me!

I'm not dumb!
I'm smart!

You think I'm stupid?
You're stupid!

Go, Doug!

I guess I should do something.

I should probably not
just stand here watching.

I should take action.

Worst best friend ever!

Molly, I'm sorry!

I don't want to
talk to you ever again.

I'm sorry.

You stupid idiot!

Come here!
Come on!

Make fun of me behind my back
and everybody laughs at me?

I was a loser for four years! You
couldn't handle it for five minutes!

Have some fairy dust,
motherfucker!

Hey, guys, no!

I heard you call me
Rain Man, you asshole!

Principal Dadier sucks dick!

You're supposed
to be my friend!

Stop! Stop it. You're expelled.
Both of you are expelled.

And that's the end of Act Two.

Is that it? You're not
going to scream at us?

Nope.

I'm gonna just fire you.

Moving out?

Yep.

You know what's crazy to me

is that I think that I actually
thought that we were brothers.

I would've tooken
a bullet for you.

Get in now.
Both of you.

Why should I?

Just get in the car, man.

Get in the fucking car.

Nope, not until you ask nicely.

Please get in the car.

Come on, you guys.
Come on. Please. Jesus.

Some messed up shit
went down yesterday.

Yeah, after we made
the exchange,

our potential business partners

got followed by
some fucking cops.

That's insane, man.

Are you serious?

Okay, it's just I
don't want to go to jail!

You know what happens to a
handsome guy like me in jail?

It rhymes with "grape"!

It rhymes with "grape."

I can't let that happen.

So I got these from
my dad's gun cabinet.

Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric.
Whoa. Come on. Whoa.

Springfield .45s, police issue.
Very powerful guns.

You ever use one?

We're not really gun people, man.
No. No?

A lot of things have made
me wonder about you.

Come on.

Your taste in music.

The fact that you look like
a fucking 40-year-old man.

Then after that shit
at the play, I realized

there's no way you
guys could be cops.

Oh.

Yeah, I got this
deal going down.

The supplier's
going to be there.

I need people I can trust.

All right.
All right, come on.

Okay, right over here, we're
going to shoot these bottles.

We're going to practice, okay?
Okay.

That was... That was actually
really fuckin' awesome.

Beginner's luck.

All right.

The supplier wants the deal
to go down at prom.

All right, there's going to be
all these heavies there,

but as long as you
guys have my back...

Yeah? Yeah? Shit.

I always got your back.

Time to get our jobs back.

Let's get ready for prom.

Schmidty! Chore time!

Mom, we don't have time
for chores right now!

If you stay in this house,
you have time for chores!

Mom! Ugh!

Fuck this thing.

Here.
Huh?

It'll be quicker if I help.

There you go.

Thanks.

Your shotgun's hanging too low.

They're gonna see it.

Thanks.

Jenko, uh...

Will you go to prom with me?

I guess.

Are we really
going to take down

a whole drug operation
by ourselves?

I got some contacts
that'll help us.

Brad, what are you doing here?
You can't be here.

What if the principal sees you?

This is wrong, yet so right.

What?

I am so happy you're willing
to get in trouble for me.

You have to go. Please,
don't leave me ever.

Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.

Stay! Stay.
Stop.

What?
Stay.

Go!
Okay.

Stay.
Stop. Stop.

I'm lost without you.
What?

Get out of me.
I'm going to throw up.

You are so hot!

All right.

Hey, pumpkin head.

I'm very mad at you.
Dance with me.

Are you on that shit?
So what if I am?

Look, Molly, some serious
stuff is about to go down,

and I don't want
you to get hurt.

I've already been hurt, Doug.
I don't care.

You need to leave.
You need to leave.

You need to get out
of here right now.

Making a lot of hand gestures!

Okay, my name's not Doug.

It's Schmidt.
What?

And I'm a cop.
What?

Okay, and I care about you,

and I don't want you
to get busted,

so you have to leave right now.

Leave the prom
right now, Molly.

I'm serious.
Hey. Hey.

Penthouse now.
Supplier's waiting.

What are you?
Come on. Hey, come on.

Supplier's waiting.
Is that Eric?

Molly, leave right now.
What are you...

Just leave right now!

What is this?

Mr. Walters?

Hey!

Beautiful Brad,
and his brother.

Wow. You look great.

You're the supplier?
You're a teacher.

And I was stuck on
a teacher's salary, bro.

Could barely pay my alimony.

What are you gonna do? Ha!

Oh, yeah.

You boys are so good at this.

Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!

Oh, my God, we're getting
such good evidence.

I stole some of
that Bunsen burner crap

from the chem lab, threw
in some of my Cool Deets,

and it was muy delicioso!

Then one day I catch
Eco Butt-munch over here

smoking a J.J.
behind the field house,

and I'm like, "Hey, you
want to make some coin?"

What a green penis
that guy is, huh?

There's my quesadilla.

I hurt my hands!

Bitch.

Oh, shit.

You guys look crazy scary.

How many of you are there?

A lot.

Karl.

Patch looks pimp, man.

Thank you.

He's gonna recognize us, man.

I'm freaking out.

This is Walters,
he made the stuff.

Real pleasure to meet you.

Fuck what his name is.

Your shit's good.

Thank you.

That means a lot
coming from you.

What, you having a party now?

Who are these
two motherfuckers?

Fuck!

Hey.
Hey. How's it going?

Nah, nah, it's cool,
man, they're my boys, so...

Are they?
Yeah.

I don't like strangers.

How do you ever expect

to make any new friends
with that attitude?

It's, like,
everyone's a stranger

till you give
them a chance, man.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

I don't even...

Just fuckin' around.

Do your thing, man. Proceed.

Hey, kid, come here.

You, you look familiar.

Me?
Yeah.

I was in a French fry
commercial when I was a kid,

so people are like, you know, often
say, "Oh, I think I know you,"

but I don't think
we've ever met before.

Do I look like I
eat French fries?

I don't know, you look like
you're in great shape,

but maybe you have,
like, one cheat day,

like a carb blowout, you know?
I don't know.

Nah.

Yeah, the theme song
was, like...

That's my quesadilla!

Who wants a piece? Huh?

I know you're in there,
Doug, or whatever your name is!

You lied to me!

I'm gonna kill you,
you stupid fucking cop!

Hey, you guys,
she just called me

a stupid fucking cock.
That's rude.

Dickhead narc motherfucker!

Did she just say "nickhead
dark motherfucker"?

That's just racist.

I know these two.

Your boys are cops!
They're cops!

Police! Get on the ground!

You get on the fuckin' ground!

We asked you first!
I don't give a damn!

You're fucking cops?

But we partied together, man.

You bought us Taco Bell.

Eric, honestly,
that was a sincere gesture.

You made me this
friendship bracelet.

Well, he's not
really your friend.

He was pretending
the whole time.

I'm gonna cut this the
fuck off later, all right?

What the fuck is going on?

Shut this kid up!

Him, too.
No, no! Hey, wait!

No, no, no.
Listen, I'm with you guys!

I didn't know
these guys were cops!

I'm getting out of here.

I fucking hate you!

Get that out of my face!

Molly!
Oh, there you are!

What the fuck!

Drop your guns, or I'll spray
her brains all over the room!

Trying to take a hostage,
some goddamn TV show shit?

I don't know! I'm
trying to help, all right?

I've never done
this shit before.

Well, you're fucking up.

Drop the guns or she's dead!

She looks dead already.

What? No.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, I can hear her breathing.

She just passed out from the drugs.
We're good.

Drop the guns or...

All right, all right,
just chill out.

We're gonna drop our guns.

You got to let the kids go,
and no one's gonna die, okay?

Just drop the guns,
and kick them over here.

D.B., shoot these
motherfuckers.

Oh, come on, that's unfair! We
put our guns down in good faith.

You're a liar, and you're mean!

That's unfair.
We're all friends here.

Let's just relax, and we
can all leave here as friends.

Yeah, let's do that.

Y'all boys are stupid.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
We're gonna die.

God damn it!

Tom Hanson, DEA!
On your knees!

What the fuck?

Now!
Fuck!

Doug Penhall, DEA!
You're under arrest!

Guns down, all of you!
Domingo, tell them!

Put them down.

Nice! Yes!

Shut the fuck up!

You little dweebs just ruined
a five-year investigation.

We had no idea.

You're, like,
an amazing actor, man.

You played saxophone
at my sister's wedding, man!

Tough titty.
I fucked her, too.

What?

You little turds.

Do you have any idea
how difficult it is

to infiltrate a gang like this?

Do you see this nose?

That is a fake nose.

Do you want to wear a fake
nose on your fuckin' head

for, like, months on end?
Glue and shit?

Worse things in the world.

We had to get fuckin' tattoos
on our dicks, man.

Hey, actually, I just said that

to mess with you.
What?

Looks tough.

Look, we know what
it's like being undercover.

Metro Police,
Jump Street Division.

Come on,
you guys are Jump Street?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

That's funny, because
we were actually Jump Street.

What?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God!
Oh, shit.

Oh, my God, dude!

Get them!

Motherfucker!

Shoot them!

Fuck that.

That was a gun.

Somebody definitely got shot.

All right.

Here, take the money, all right?
We're getting out of here.

Did I hit anything?

You were shooting at
the fuckin' ceiling.

Doug.

I know sometimes I
was a jerk to you

when we were undercover.

It's just... I didn't
feel good about myself.

All that stuff I wore, like the
bracelets, the rings, the tight pants,

was just so

that people
would think I'm cool.

The only approval

that I ever needed

was my best friend.

Thanks, man.

The money's gone!

Come on, let's roll.

We gotta get out of here, man.

Are you telling me it's on?

Let's do this.
Let's make a baby.

What? What are you talking about?
I don't know.

I was trying to sound cool.
Sorry.

That was crazy!
You killed a guy!

Oh, fuckin' shit!

Hey, hey, we'll lose
them in the prom! Go!

Go, go, go, go!

Where'd they go?

Molly!

Shit!

You want to drive?
Yeah, I do, actually.

Okay, cool.

Nice!

Did it look cool when I did it?

That's what I'm talking about!
Yeah!

How you guys
doing back there, huh?

God, I love high school!

Best prom night ever!

Shoot them!
Stay on them!

I'm on them!
I'm on them!

Oh, good, you guys, come
hang out with me back here.

Oh, fuck, dude. Lisa, what are you doing?
Did she pass out back there?

Whoo!

Hey, you got a gun. Why
don't you shoot back there?

Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!

All right, one second!

Just shoot someone, you bitch!

Peek-a-boo!

Give me my money!

Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!

I can't do this! I'm
supposed to go to Berkeley!

I'm gonna get
the party started!

I'm gonna get the party started!
No! No! Lisa, no!

Hey, I'm living my dream
of standing in a limo!

What?

You're killing my dream!
Come in.

What? I'm trying to party.
Down!

Bitch!

What? Fuck!

I'll kill you!

Kill you!

No! No!
Stay where you are.

Go! Go, go!

No! Stop!

I'm not fucking kidding! Look,
I'm trying to shoot people!

Will you stop!
Just for two seconds!

You're really hot and you're
really slutty and it's awesome,

but I got to shoot
people right now!

You think I'm hot?

I wanna...
Oh, my God!

Wait, guys! Call me!

Let me know where
you're ending up later.

I'm almost out of ammo.

We're fucked.

Give me my money!

I got an idea.

You still got those shotgun shells?
Yeah.

Pop Quiznos.

What do you get when lithium batteries
react to potassium nitrate?

That would be
a covalent bond, brother.

That's when two atoms,
they share electrons.

You see, they both need
what the other one has.

That makes them stick together.

Are you saying
we're covalent bonds?

What? No.

We're not atoms, dude.

What's this?
Tequila?

I don't know,
it was supposed to explode.

Oh, shit!

Where'd you learn
how to do that, man?

App chemistry, bitch.

Come on, blondie.

Molly!

Drop your weapon!

Don't you fuckin'
pull that arm up.

Don't.

Oh-ho! Looks like you're
out of ammo, asshole!

Come on!
Get out here!

What? What's going on?
All right.

All right, here's the deal. Nobody
moves, or she's gonna get hurt.

Do you understand?
Nobody move!

All right.
Eric, help me.

Don't you have a gun?

All right, don't move!

Come on, let's go.
Let's go.

No!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Hey, no, no, I said don't move!

Oh, fuck, you shot him!

Oh, God!

Are you okay?

You shot my partner,
you motherfucker!

I didn't mean to shoot you!
I meant to shoot him!

Are you alive, buddy? You okay?
You took a bullet for me, man.

Yeah, I'm feeling a little
ambivalent about that right now.

Didn't you hear me?
I said don't move!

I said that!
You heard, right?

Eric, you heard me!

- I said don't move!
- Eric, help me!

- You got this.
- Hey, hold still.

Freeze!

Shoot!

Come on.

You peaked in high school,
motherfucker.

Oh, shit.

I shot him in the dick.

You shot me in the dick!

Oh, my God!

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

You are under arrest!

It definitely came
out my asshole!

You have the right
to remain silent!

Anything you say can
and will be used against you

in a court of law!

You have
the right to an attorney!

If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed for you!

Do you understand these rights
as they have been read to you?

Fuck you! Bitch!

Yes! Yes!

We did it, man!

We did it.

God, I feel so good.

We did it, man!

You're a goddamn rock star.

Do you feel that?

God damn, you're so cool.

You just shot him in the dick.

I've never seen that.
Who does that?

Look, I'm sorry I
called you Rain Man.

I know I didn't say you
were, but you're smart.

You're a smart guy,
and you're thoughtful,

and you're sincere and you're
sweet and you're loyal...

And I fuckin' cherish you.

Should we high-five?

Ow! My hand!

Are you all right? Should we
get you to the hospital, man?

Yeah, I think we need to call somebody.
Hey, call somebody!

I got to get my
dick sewn back on.

You shut the fuck up.
Hey, you shut up.

That's not funny.
Is that it?

What?

That's my dick!

Pick up my dick! Please!

No, we're not
picking up your dick.

Fuckin' pick my dick up!

Oh, fuck!

He's my friend.

They don't serve
vegan in jail, bitch.

Hey.

Molly...

I'm really sorry.

I know you
wanted a guy to trust,

and I wanted to be
that person so badly.

And I let you down
in a lot of ways.

And...

It's good that
you're mad at me.

I think it's good. I think you
should be mad at more guys,

because you deserve a guy who's
good and who doesn't lie to you.

And you should never settle
for less than that.

There are good guys out there

who aren't assholes like me.

Thanks for saving my life,

asshole.

Put her there, partner.

I'll come back later.

We're, like, in the end of Die Hard
right now, but it's our actual life.

It's crazy.

Number one or two?

Three.

Sam Jackson one. Yeah!
Sam Jackson style.

Boom, motherfuckers!
What's going on? Come on!

Where is he?
There's my guy!

There he is! That's him.
That's him.

Enough.
Too long on the hug.

Congratulations, you crazy,
sick, vigilante motherfuckers.

You got your first arrest, huh?

- Look. Got something made for you.
- You didn't!

Come on. All right, all right.
Enough. Enough.

New assignment.

Since you two cowboys
love to drink booze,

smoke weed with kids, and fuck
anything with a big ass in jeans

with low self-esteem,

I'm gonna send you to a place
where all that shit is allowed.

Oh, I love Disneyland!

You two sons of bitches
are going to college!

No! Yes!

Boo-yah!

Whoo!

Oh, my God! You're like
two Hardy Boys in one!

Oh, fuck!

Hey, why are you here, Scott?

What, Kennedy High isn't
having any parties tonight?