All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s05e06 - The One Where Rachel Dies In Childbirth

-Hello.

(THEME MUSIC)

-Yoo-hoo!

-That's for the haters.

-Jiggle-wiggle.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Tene tatou katoa,
and welcome to Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells.

And while I think Kmart Seats, Karma
Tests and Marx Teats are all fine,

the truth is that there's only one
way I like those letters arranged.

That's right. It's the title of
Taskmaster.

Tonight, we've invited five
comedians

to compete in a series
of tasks.

I will give each comedian

an appropriate level of points
based on my infallible

point awarding system.

Mostly based on vibes.

Whoever wins the most points at the
end of the season will receive this.

Competing for this trophy

and hoping not to look as foolish
as they really are:

It's Abby Howells...
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Ben Hurley...
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Hayley Sproull
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

and Tom Sainsbury.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Unfortunately, Tofiga Fepulea'i
can't be with us in the studio.

So back again to defend his honour

and stand in his place is the winner
of Taskmaster season three.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Josh Thomson. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

And by my side, as always,
is my trusty sidekick.

He's the Samwise to my Frodo,

the Sundance Kid
to my Butch Cassidy,

and the Donkey to my Shrek.

Please give a huge round of applause
to Paul Williams.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

-Before we got started tonight, my
mum asked if I would use my platform

to perform a song about bullying,
so I'd like to do that if that's OK.

# Hey everybody

# Haven't you heard

# There's no better feeling
in this world

# Than picking on nerds

# Bullying is the best

# It makes you feel so alive

# Just find someone's insecurities

# And make them cry... #

-Hold on...
Hold on for a second.

So is this an anti-bullying song
or a pro-bullying song?

-Pro, I guess. Yeah.

-You sure your mum would want you to
do that?

-Actually, that's a good point.

Yeah, I guess maybe she wanted
anti-bullying.

We'll edit that out.

-All right. Should we start
with tonight's prize task?

-So tonight, we've asked our
contestants

to bring in the thing
that's best from far away.

Whoever has brought in the best
thing

from far away will receive
five points.

And whoever wins the episode

will get to take home all five
great from far away things.

-Abby, what did you bring in?

-I brought in a lovely, beautiful,
sexy lady.

Oh my god, she's so sexy
from far away. And lovely.

But if you look at her close.

Oh my god, her tattoos
are so problematic!

She's got a slur on her chest.

She's got pestilence.
And look at her legs!

"I looked into eugenics,
and it doesn't seem that bad."

She's just best from far away,
I think.

Even though she's a lovely,

beautiful lady,
printed with sexy ink.

-If she was just wearing more
clothes, that'd be fine.

-You wouldn't even notice.

-No, but she never does.
That's the thing.

It's sexy ink, baby. It's the best.

-Ben.
What did you bring in?

-Well, Jeremy, have you ever seen
the sun from close up?

The sun close up is a massive,
fiery ball of gas.

But far away, it's a beautiful
pinprick of light in the sky.

It is a star.

And I purchased you a star.

-Wow.
(LAUGHTER)

Ben gets five points?

-Well, you know, I just thought...
-Wait, what did you just say?

-Hang on...
Hang on...

-We got it on camera!
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

-And Jeremy, when's your birthday?

-January 19th.
-That makes you a Gemini!

And I made it in the Gemini,
you know, thing.

-Constellation.
-Yeah.

-So, I'm a Capricorn.

-Right.

-Hayley, what did you bring in?

-I know we're having a lot of fun,
Jeremy.

And I don't want to have to bring
down the mood.

But for me, the thing that is best
from far away is Paul.

Sorry, Paul, that I have to do this.

But you have been issued
a restraining order against...me.

-If I got a dollar for every time
I got one of these.

-So how far is...?
-It's roughly between 4 and 5m.

So if you were to come forward,
that's a breach.

But if I'm back, you're fine.

-I know it's not your first one,

but it's the first one from an
individual, isn't it?

Because normally it's a school,
isn't it?

-It's actually not a school.
It's all schools.

-Josh.
-Hello.

-You're representing Tofiga.
What have you brought in?

-Yes. I'm, here for my boy Tofiga.

And, I decided to bring in
a beautiful silk pillow.

If you see that in the distance,

you'll think: "I can't wait to put
my head on there."

Don't put your head on there.

Because if you got that close,
you'd realise that I farted on it.

One thing you can do
is you can sit on a pillow,

and you squash all the fibers

and fart as you rise, and it will
suck in the fart.

This really works.

You can keep a fart
for 6 to 8 weeks.

-So at this distance, we're OK?

-I mean, that's a just a picture
of it.

I think you'd be OK.

But you could even enjoy it
from even further away.

-OK. Tom.

-So I went for a walk in our
neighbourhood.

We found this beautiful piece of
nature, and a photo was taken.

And it's a really beautiful thing

that you can appreciate
from far away.

So we just look at the first one.

There we go. That's a waterfall.
That's in my neighbourhood.

It's pretty beautiful.
-Nice.

-But if you get up too close,

it's a little bit of a case of
Where's Wally.

So we'll just go to the next
picture.

-What are you doing there, Tom?

-Are you preparing a pillow?
-I'm coming out of nature.

-I think nature's coming out of you.

Very hard to judge.

One point for Ben Hurley.
He got the wrong constellation.

Two points for Abby. You can always
get tattoos removed.

Three points for Hayley. Four points
for Josh and the stinking pillow.

And that leaves five points
for Tom Sainsbury.

-Yay!

-Nature ablution.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

I'd love the first task tonight,
please Paul.

-People are often trying to steal
my look.

And this task is no exception.

-Here I come.

-Hello, Tofiga.
-Hey, Paul.

-Hello, Tom.
-Wow!

-Wowee!
-Wow!

Got some 'stumes.

'Stumes?
Costumes.

-Nice.

-I'm excited to see what's in here.

-"Match accessories with Paul."

-"Paul will emerge every minute

with a new accessory
until you match him."

-"You may only don one accessory
at a time."

-"And you may not don the same
accessory twice in a row."

-"No peeking!"

"Fewest accessories tried on
by Paul wins."

-"Your time starts now."

-Do you understand it?
-No.

-Oh.

-Well, you could really spot

the theatre nerds in amongst our
comedians, couldn't you?

Abby, Hayley, and Tom's eyes lit up
when they're like: "Oh, costumes!"

-What characters will be born today?

-All right, should we get straight
into it?

-Let's start in the menswear section.

It's Ben, Tofiga, and Tom.

-OK, let's get on to it.

Ready.
-If you squeeze those.

-Oh, man.

-Lovely. But it's not a match.

Ready?
-Yeah.

Oh, you got gumboots on.

-You should have told me
you had gumboots on.

-Oh, sorry.
-Ready when you are, Paul.

Ay, ooh...

-It's hard... Quite hard for me...

-I know, you're not breathing.
-Yeah. I don't feel...

-Your eyes are bulging.
-Sorry.

-You don't have to apologise
every time.

-Sorry for apologising.

-I think I've got it, brother.

-Oh, dammit.

-We've got similar colour schemes.

-Yeah. Does that help?
-No.
-No. OK.

-Next.
-Yep. Ready.

-Yep.
-Ready.

That's not a match!
-It's a good look though.

-Thank you.

-I think I got it.

-That's what I just had on before.

I feel like there is no method
to this.

-Are you ready?
-Ready.

-It's a match. Congratulations.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

-Thank you.
-It's alphabetical.

-OK.

-Close.
-Not really.

But good effort.

What have you got on?
-The book.

-Oh, that's not actually one of
the accessories, sorry...

-Why'd you put the book here
for then?

-I think I just left those there.
Sorry about that.

-I'm gonna make a complaint to
the Taskmaster about you.

-What's his name?
-Jared.

-And action!

Dammit!

-Connection?
-I mean, vaguely.

-The vikings used to wear kilts.
-Did they?
-Yep.

Isa!

Yeah, Paul!

What you reckon?
-It's a match.

-Yeah, it's a match!

-Oh, he did it!
-Only took two goes.

-It took more than two.
-Hope you get fired.

You suck, Paul.

I love you, Paul.
-Thank you, Tofiga.

-Tom!

Who would have thought that knowing

your ABCs were going to help you
in later life?

-Finally!
-What was the book for?

-The books...

I didn't mean to leave the books
there,

but they were there
for everyone.

And the top book was the
"A to Z of Fashion."

-Oh my goodness.

-So, speaking of letters.

Ben got up to the letter N,
which was 14 attempts.

Tofiga the letter L,
which was 12 attempts.

And Tom the letter G,
seven attempts.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

More changing room montages
coming up next.

But first, we've got to sell you
some clothes

that you probably don't
need.

Your clothes are fine!
You look absolutely amazing.

We'll be back after these messages.

Hoki mai ano, welcome back to
Taskmaster.

The only place you can put a camera

in a changing room without
getting a visit from the police.

Paul, jog everyone's memory, please.

-Our contestants are trying to match
accessories with me.

But little did they know, I was
dressing up in alphabetical order.

Next up, they've got a passion
for fashion,

a desire for attire,

and the opposite of loathing
for clothing.

It's Abby and Hayley.

-Have fun in there.
I miss you when you're gone.

How cool are fedoras though?

The best hat.

Bugger it.

I used to definitely wear something
like that when I was 13.

I was a goth.

But I actually went to Animates
and got a proper dog collar.

-Were you watching me change?
-No.

-What's that bit for?
Oh...

-I don't know what that bit's for.

-We're getting there, I feel like.

-What's your Viking name?
-Craig.

-God, you look good in that!
-I feel good.

-Yeah.

-Going to the masquerade?
-Yes.

Going to?
-To Dork Town.

-Doesn't feel right.

Oh, Paul!

I had them, and I changed.

-Oh, beautiful.

And beautiful!
-No!

-Alright.
-Back to Dork Town?

-Yeah.

-You do look like Michael Jackson.
Do a lean.

Yeah, it's really good.
It's really good!

OK, OK.

-You got the x-ray glasses on again?

-Um...
No.

-I picked it up!

-I can't stop!

Compelled by them every time.

-What happens if we're here all day?

-Then we're here all day.

-OK.

-Are you going to go umbrella hat
again?

-No, I don't think so.

-Get back in there.
-Whoa.

(INDISTINCT)

-We're well off again.

-The watch.

-Ready.

-I actually already know
it's not a match.

-Because you could see through
the curtain.

-Yeah.
You ready?

-Yeah.

Yeah!

Looking good, Paul!

I think there was only one more
possible item.

The zebra hat.

-Are you happy?
-Yeah.

-You ready?
-No.

-Thought you said you were.
-I'm ready.

Oh...

You've got to be kidding me, Paul.

We're back to bloody square one,
aren't we?

I'm feeling it.

-You ready?
-Yeah.

Ah! We did it!

-That's for the haters.

-Hayley, between the necklace,
the top hat,

and zebra hat,
it's like you've got

a sixth sense for getting it wrong.
-I know!

Now that I watch you, I should have
just picked one object

and just put it on
the whole time.

-It was a great tactic.
Sadly, the object she...

-Was X.
-Yes.

-Yeah. I alternated between
the X and U.

-Yes. She chose the x-ray glasses
nine times

and she went to Dork Town
four times.

-Where was your autistic superpower
this time, Abby?

I mean, Tom did well there.

-Yeah.
-We now know a lot about Tom.

-He ain't diagnosed.
I'm legit.

-Is this the first time you've ever
been teased for not having autism?

-Where's your autistic powers now,
bitch?

-So how many letters
did we get around to?

-So, Abby, the letter X,
so 24 attempts.

Hayley, the letter C. Great.

But second time through,
so 29 attempts.

That means one point for Hayley.
Two points for Abby.

Three points for Ben.

Four points for Tofiga.
And five points for Tom Sainsbury.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

What are the scores
for the episode, Paul?

-With a perfect ten points,
out in front, it's Tom Sainsbury.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

All right, fast show's a good show.
What's next?

-This task involves A-list...ers.

-Hello, Paul.
-Hello, Abby.

-Got another one of these stupid
challenges, huh?

-They're called tasks.
-Tasks?

-We generally don't say
they're stupid.

-Oh, yeah.

-"Write down the 20 public figures
you know the most about."

-"You have seven minutes.
Your time starts now."

-Dai Henwood.

-Season four of
Taskmaster New Zealand.

-Gonna go Madeline Sami.

-Season one of
Taskmaster New Zealand.

-Joseph Parker, Steven Adams.

-Elizabeth I,
Henry VIII.

-How long have I got?

-You got three minutes
and 50 seconds.

-Oh my god, I have to move quickly!

-Anthony Bourdain.

-And I will go Paul Ego.

-Season three of
Taskmaster New Zealand.

-All right. It's been good.
-Wait.

-I knew there was a second part.

"Create a short biopic based on the
life of your 20th public figure."

"You may not do any further research
into your figure."

"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."

I'm going to put Beyonce
down the bottom.

-I'm going to go with Christine Daae.

-From Phantom of the Opera?
-Yeah.

What's the Prime Minister's name?

-Current one?
-Current one.

-Chris Luxon.
-Christopher Luxon.

-And last of all, public figure
I know least about...

Matt Cameron.

-Who's Matt Cameron?

-He's the drummer for both Pearl Jam
and Soundgarden.

-Oh, no!

-I'm dreading this.

-This is going to be quite obscure
television.

-Is there anyone you would have
rather made a biopic film about?

-Everyone else but Luxon.

-Great to see you get some plugs in

for some previous seasons
of Taskmaster, Paul.

-Yeah.
And they were popular as well.

Ben had six Taskmaster New Zealand
contestants.

Haley, eleven.
-Oh, wow.

-I had many kings and queens of yore.

-No one on her list
was born after 1970.

Tofiga's list, Chris Luxon
was the only white person.

-He didn't even know
who the Prime Minister was.

So I don't know how he's gonna make
a biopic

about someone who he doesn't know.
Josh?

-Tofiga and Luxon,
they've kinda got a similar vibe.

Like a Ebony and Ivory,
doing a duet.

-Who are we watching first?

-We've all been wondering
when Matt Cameron,

the drummer from Soundgarden
and also Pearl Jam,

would be getting his biopic.

Well, the wait is finally over
thanks to Ben Hurley.

-Dad, what are you doing?

Well, I'm cooking, son.

Because men cook too.

One day you'll find something
you're passionate about.

Yeah.

(FLURRY OF DRUMMING)

-Man, I'm such a good drummer now.

I just need a cool band
with a cool name.

(COLLECTION OF ANIMAL NOISES)

-Wow! There's so many sounds
in this garden!

Yeah!

What is it, Chris Cornell, lead
singer of my band Soundgarden?

That's right, Matt.

I'm Chris Cornell from our band
Soundgarden.

And it's time for our band
to break up.

I'm going to embark on a pretty
average solo career.

NO!

I'll never drum again!

Eddie Vedder from the band
Pearl Jam?

Yeah!

(SINGING IN ROCK STYLE)
# Would you like to be in my band

# Called Pearl Jam?

# Again? #

Yes!
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Oh, now that was good.

There's so much to unpack there.

It actually felt like a lot of TVNZ
biopics, to be honest.

It was using the same wigs.
-Yeah.

-It's a wig-based production.
-Yep.

-The Eddie Vedder impersonation
was inspired.

-Yeah.

-If only you could do the biopic
about him.

-I know! Imagine that.

-OK, if they were making a biopic
about your life,

this would be the part of the movie
where the main character

sits perfectly still
and waits for the ads to be over.

We'll see you in just a moment.

Nau mai ano,
welcome back to Taskmaster!

You're currently watching
comedians make biopics

about famous public figures
they know almost nothing about.

Who have we got next, Paul?

-Destiny's Child, Beyonce,

meet Ross and Vicky's child, Tom.

-In Texas in 1989,
Tina Knowles and Papa Knowles

welcomed their little cherub baby,
Beyonce.

Early on in her life, little Beyonce

met Kelly Rowland
and they became fast friends.

They loved going to church together
and singing gospel.

In their late teens, Beyonce, Kelly,
and two other people,

became a band known
as Destiny's Child.

Not to be confused with
Destiny's Church!

But due to some disagreements,
the band split up.

In the early 2000s,

Beyonce then meet Jay-Z.

They had three children together and
they all lived happily ever after.

The end!

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

I got to say right off the bat,
'Say My Name' is a very good title.

-Yes, good!

Thank you. And I also thought,
you know...

I tossed up whether I should play
Beyonce and Jay-Z etc.,

but I decided not to.

-I think that's a good decision.

-You also got slightly confused

because the Texas he held up
for her birth,

he wrote 1981, which is correct.

But then he said 1989.
-I know.

I was in Taylor Swift mode.

-OK. Whose biopic have we got
next, Paul?

-Christine sings, but Abby howls...

made this sitcom.

-What if we did The Phantom
of the Opera like a sitcom

after the Phantom of the Opera
has happened?

-That would be great.
-Yeah.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

-Oh, hello Eric,
the Phantom of the Opera

and my husband.
Did you do any murdering?

-Maybe a little.

-Aw, Eric, you promised me!

No more murdering.
-OK.

-I'll believe that when I see it.

-I've got some news.
-What is it?

-I'm up for a big promotion.

So I invited the boss of the Paris
Opera House over for dinner.

-I hope dinner is ready soon.
I am starving.

-Here comes Eric now.

He's prepared dinner.

-Bon appetit.

-A hand!

I have always wanted to eat a hand!

Delicious!

-I'm going into labour!

Eric!
I think I'm going to die.

Please...

Write a musical about me one day.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

-Yeah, I know
what you're going to say.

My characters have died
in childbirth three times now.

-Three times this series.
-Yeah.

-Also, you don't see many deaths
in sitcoms.

Like, my favourite episode of
Friends is the one...

'The One Where Rachel Dies
in Childbirth.'

-Alright. I'd like to see another
biopic, please Paul.

-You've got it, Jeremy.

He's New Zealand's current
Prime Minister.

And before we started this task,
Tofiga didn't know his name.

This is the Christopher Luxon story.

-Luxon...

Sounds like a soap, ay?
-It does.

-Do you think he had little toy
planes and stuff and then thought:

'Aw, I wanna be CEO of
Air New Zealand.'

-Possibly.

-And then loved honey and stuff
and thought

'I wanna own my own beehive.'

Once upon a time in a small town in
Christchurch, there was a young boy

who loved to play with airplanes,

and his favourite food was honey
on toast.

Christopher!
Christopher, how many times

have I told you to stop playing
with those stupid planes?

-It's not a stupid plane.

-You're eating up all the honey
as well.

Remember, you are the future
of our soap business.

Luxon Soap.
-I don't like soap.

One day, I'm going to be CEO
of Air New Zealand.

And I'm going to own my own beehive.

-Well, until then, you're going to be
looking after our family business.

Luxon Soap.

Oh, smells like Luxon.

Feels like Luxon.

Mmm...
Even tastes like Luxon.

-Dad, you've got to stop eating soap.

-Mmm...

Oh, Luxon!

Kia Ora.
My name's Christopher Luxon.

And I'm Prime Minister of
'Aot-rio', New Zealand.

(SPEAKS WORDS IN LANGUAGE UNKNOWN
-TO CAPTIONER)

-Mmm....
Luxon.

-Josh, I love the way that
Chris Luxon changed ethnicity

just towards the end of that.
It's impressive.

-Seamless transition.

-Yeah.
-Pretty factually correct.

As far as I can tell.
I mean, we don't...

He probably does like honey
on toast.

And his Dad probably ate
a lot of soap, so...

-And that's how he says Aotearoa.

-That's right.

-OK. Who have we got next?

-It's Taskmaster New Zealand
season three alum Paul Ego.

And who better to direct it

than someone who knows him and his
family intimately?

Hayley Sproull.

-Two sons.
Abe...

Gabe!
-Abe and Gabe?

-Nope! It's not even Gabe.

I've forgotten his wife's name.

I've met her so many times.
This is so rude.

Hi. It's me. You know who I am.

But do you know the man behind
the voice?

It's time to get to know
the real Paul Ego.

Ya, ya, ya!

Young Paul Jones enjoyed

a privileged and lovely childhood,

growing up in New Zealand.

I love the 70s!

Then one day as a young man,
he met his beautiful,

petite wife,
Jane.

The only love of his life.

Hi.

After some delicious marital sex,

Jane gave birth to Gabe

and then Gabe's brother.

Or vice versa.

-Put your hands together...

-But after some time, he began his
historic rise as a comedian.

I've got two children,
lovely Gabe and Gabe's brother.

And I love them very much
as a father.

But my question is, when the hell
do they shuffle on out?

I've been Paul Ego, goodnight!

Recently, he joined
More FMs Breakfast Show.

It's not as good as ZM,
but it's still all right.

That was Robbie Williams, 'Angels'
here on More FM Breakfast.

And we're asking you currently
at the moment,

when did you fart in public?

So what's next for Paul Ego a.k.a.
Paul Jones?

Perhaps a starring role
on the Celebrity Bake Off?

-Considering you didn't
know their names,

do you think maybe you focused on

Paul's children just a wee bit
too much?

-I have to apologise to Paul's
family, whom I've met so many times.

In particular his wife, Janine,
not Jane.

-You got Gabe right.
-I got Gabe right.

And then I forgot, um...
-Isaac.

-Isaac.
-Don't tell her!

-This is going to be quite difficult

because I think
they were all very good.

-They were.

-But unfortunately, there have to be
winners and losers.

This is Taskmaster.
That's the way it goes.

-OK.
-And Abby is a loser.

I mean, look, you tackled a biopic
and then did a multi-camera sitcom.

I thought Tom deserves two
for his stick puppets.

Hayley, it's difficult making
something about someone you know,

especially when you don't know
the names of their children.

So I'll give you three points.
-That's fair.

-I thought Tofiga's effort
with Christopher Luxon

was particularly good.

Four points.

And I think Ben Hurley's, I thought
was outstanding. Five points.

We've run out of biopics.

Give us a few minutes to come up
with another task,

and we'll see you
in a moment.

Welcome back to
Taskmaster.

The only show on television
still giving out

sexually attractive women
as a prize.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but I believe it's time

for another task?

-Aye, aye, Captain.

If you're watching this episode
illegally,

this task is inspired by you.

Ahoy there.

-I don't even know what's going on
there. But hi.

-Where's the task, Paul?

-The task is on the cassette tape.

-Oh.

-"Cover one eye and turn you
into a pirate."

"Cross the seven seas and circle
where X marks the spot."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

-I wasn't listening.

-OK, Paul.

Cover one eye, turn you
into a pirate.

Cross the seven seas
and circle the X.

Sounds pretty achievable.

Who are we gonna see first?

-Up first, it's Sailor Sainsbury
and Captain Hurley.

-So, cover one eye.

Exhibit A.

What was the rest?

-"And turn you into a pirate."

-Done. Tick.

-"Cross the seven seas"

"and circle where X marks the spot."

-Come on!

Fastest wins!
I hope there's a boat.

-You want to come with me, squire?

-I tell you what. Having one eye
is quite hard.

-I feel like it's a little disparity
in our weights.

-Land ahoy!

-Must be an X around here somewhere.

-Oh no, I didn't listen to
the instructions.

-There must be an X
around here somewhere.

-Did it say go to the X and dig it up
and find some treasure?

-All the information you need
is in the task.

-It's on the tape!

OK, I have to run back.

-I feel it was foolish
not to bring the map.

-"And circle where X marks the spot."

-Let's go.

-What have I missed?

I'm starting to get tired of this
character.

-I circled X.
-What do you mean?

-Oh!

-Ahoy!

A shovel!

No X though.

-Have you seen an X?
-On the map.

-Right.
-Surely that wasn't it.

Back in the boat, squire Paul!

-Cross...
What am I missing?

Do I need to go back
and listen to it again?

-Magic, innit?

-Come on, Paul!

-Please, Pirate Paul.

House ahoy, Captain.

-Aye!

-"Your time starts now."

-I've gotta go back and get the map.

Do you think I'm a bit of a stupid
at the moment?

-No.

I never could think that.

-I should have known
this would be a trick.

-Oh my god!

So there's seven Cs.

And turn U into a pirate.

-So I'm going to turn you
into a pirate?

-No, you're gonna turn U
into a pirate.

-Is there a U on here?

A hat, not unlike yours.

-I'm going to draw a little
parrot here.

-Cover one I.
Cross the seven Cs.

Turn U into a pirate.

And circle X.

-I've stopped the clock.
-OK.

-Stop the clock.
-Oh my god!

What a journey!

-I reckon that's...
pretty good.

When you figured out the trick, did
you want to hurt Paul in any way?

-I wanted to hurt him
throughout.

-How many times...?

-So he ran from the study to the lake
three times.

For clarification, it was sort of
a letter-based task.

So, cover one I, turn U
into a pirate. The letter U.

Cross the seven Cs, cross those out.

And then circle the X.
So a very simple task.

I don't know why they would go to
the lake.

-How long did it take them?
-Ben, 31 minutes 15.

-Oh...
-Tom, 41 minutes 24.

-Oh!

Who have we got next?
-Up next, it's Ahoy-ley Sproull,

Aye-aye-by Howells,

and Tofig-arrr Fepulea'i.

-"Cross the seven seas and circle
where X marks the spot."

-I have to cross the lake.
All right, let's go.

-I'm gonna take this.

"Circle where X marks the spot."

-"And circle where X marks the spot."

-I could just do that.
I could just circle it now.

-Just gonna double check that this
isn't a trick.

-It says circle
where X marks the spot.

-Just double checking, is that it?

-You've completed part of the task.

-OK. Let's go, let's go, let's go!

-C'est la vie, to the dock we go!

-Are we going to the dock?
-Fully up to you.

-Let's go.

Unless I completely misunderstood
this, Paul.

-And all the instructions were on,
what he just?

-Yeah.
-On the tape?

-It's on the tape.

-"Cover one..." Oh! Cover one I.

-Bon voyage, Captain.

# Crossing the seven seas. #

(MUTTERING)

-OK!

Circle where X marks the spot.

-Where X marks the spot.

-Surely this is it.

Are you sure this isn't me
completing the task?

-Do I dig?

Treasure.

-If this is just a pile of dirt
with nothing in it,

I'll be quite
unhappy.

-Is there anything under here?

-I don't think so.

-Oh...

-There's nothing here.

-Yeah. What are you digging for?

-Well, there was a hole.
I just started digging.

We're gonna have to go back
and listen to the tape again.

All right.
Off we go.

-"U into a pirate."

-"Turn U into a pirate..."

-Oh, I'm a pirate!

-Cover one eye and turn you
into a pirate...

-Done.

-You've not done it.

-Are you sure?

-I reckon that's us, brother.
-I've stopped the clock.

-Thank you, sir.
-Thank you Tofiga.

-Look at me Paul. I'm losing my mind.

I have completed the task.

-You've not completed the task.
-I think I have.

-Cassette up...

(SIGHS) "Cover one I."

-"And turn U into a pirate."

-"And then I crossed the seven Cs."

-Have you covered one I?
Stop the clock.

-Lord have mercy.

-Thank you, Hayley.

-Oh my god!

-Hayley, you were far more focused on

acting like a pirate, really,
than...

-I thought maybe I hadn't nailed
the "turn you into a pirate."

So I was trying to drop in deeper.

-I thought you had to do it
the entire time.

I was so sick of talking like that!

Also, what you cut out was that

I spent ages on the side going,
"I'm terrified of water.

I can't swim."

And then Paul going,
"You don't have to do this."

-Oh!

-And I was like, "No.
I'm going to get in the boat.

I'm gonna face my fears, Paul."

-Yet again, Josh, it seems like

Tofiga's unwillingness to move
really helped him out.

-It's a good tactic.
It's a hell of a good tactic.

-So, the current time to beat
is 31 minutes 15.

Hayley was 35 minutes 55.
-OK.

-Abby, 29 minutes and 10 seconds.

-Not too bad!

-Tofiga, 14 minutes and 40 seconds.

-How did that take 14 minutes!

-Tofiga, with most of the tasks,
he would sort of read the task.

And then he'd have kind of ten
minutes of just relaxation.

-OK, so where does that leave
the scores for that task?

-That means one point for Tom.

Two points for Haley.

Three points for Ben.

Four points for Abby.
And five points for Tofiga.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
-OK!

Now it's time for some ads.

Unless you pirated this episode.

In which case you don't have to
watch the ads,

but you do have to spend
eternity in hell.

We'll give you a moment to think
about which is worse,

and we'll see
you after this.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We're about to see

how comedians tackle a live task.

And find out, once and for all,

who has won a restraining order
against Paul.

But before we do, Paul,
a scoreboard update, please.

-In first place, with 17 points,
it's Tofiga Fepulea'i!

-OK, everyone, head up onto the stage

for the final task
of the show.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Oh, this looks interesting.
What's going on here, Paul?

-Josh Thomson.

-An honour. Thank you.

Ahem. "Listen for your note and move
forward when you hear it."

"When you hear your note,
you may move one spot forward."

"If you move forward on someone
else's note,

you must move two
spots back."

"Highest score at the end wins."

-OK, these are your notes.

Abby.
(MUSICAL WHISTLES INCREASING
-IN PITCH)

-Ben. Haley.

Josh.

Tom.

-Can we have it one more time,
please?

-No, sorry.

-Can I give you a note?

Love to have it one more time.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

-Are you ready?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS,
-PAUL INTERJECTS WITH WHISTLE SOUND)

(DESCENDING NOTES)

-Two steps back, Ben.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS,
-PAUL INTERJECTS WITH WHISTLE SOUND)

(DESCENDING NOTES)
-Two steps back, Abby.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS,
-PAUL INTERJECTS WITH WHISTLE SOUND)

(DESCENDING NOTES)
-Abby, back two steps, please.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS,
-PAUL INTERJECTS WITH WHISTLE SOUND)

(DESCENDING NOTES)
-Two steps back, please Ben.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS,
-PAUL INTERJECTS WITH WHISTLE SOUND)

-Those are 15 notes.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Come on down, everyone.
Let's score it!

I really enjoyed that, Paul.

All right, how are we going to
score this?

Because we've got a couple of last
places and a couple of first places.

-Yes.
So, Ben and Abby shared last.

Then Tom. And in first equal
was Josh and Hayley.

-OK.
So, one point for Abby and Ben.

Three points for Tom.

And then five points for Hayley
and Josh, representing Tofiga.

So, where does that leave
the episode?

-That means with 22 points,

the highest episode score of the
season, and his first episode win,

represented by Josh,
it's Tofiga Fepulea'i!

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Congratulations, Josh,
on behalf of Tofiga.

Please head up to the stage

and get nice and close to things
that are only good from far away.

Away you go, Josh!

And that's it!

Thanks for joining us for another
episode of Taskmaster.

Especially our favourite viewers,

Gabe, Gabe's older or younger
brother,

and a woman possibly
called Jane.

And what did we learn tonight?

We learned that Abby Howells
can't resist a pair of x-ray specs,

and our Prime Minister can't
resist the delicious taste of soap.

But most importantly,
we learned that the winner

of episode six of Taskmaster
season five is Tofiga Fepulea'i!

We look forward to seeing you
next time! Po marie, good night.

Captioned by AI-Media
ai-media.tv

-All right.
-You stupid boy! You stay there!

-When I put this on, I'm going to
completely change.

-I'll do whatever you want,
any of your bidding!

-The vegetarian option's
unbelievable.

-That's chicken.
-Whoa!

-What!
-What's happening?

-It's been quite the show for us.
-Yeah!