Original subtitles

[music]

[music]

Heat. Heat.

[music]

>> [music]

>> Oh, that's beautiful, Gregory.

Beautiful. Slowly in. Slowly. That's

right. Keep your hands up, darling.

That's lovely. Yes. Keep on the head,

Gregory. Slowly pen down. Splendid. Now,

how about the hands on the hips,

darling? Eh. Oh, was it? That's very

good, baby. Now, how about just a little

smile to the camera? Oh, that's

beautiful. Come around, baby. Don't be

shy.

That's nice. Now to the right. Yes. Now,

now to the left. Oh, very good. I should

explain that this sequence has nothing

to do with the film you're about to see.

Unless of course you call being a

peeping tom one of [music]

which it isn't. It's just that uh well

then this young lady happens to be a

close personal friend of mine and I

promised to get her into pictures.

I'll see you back in the dressing room,

baby.

Right, Gregory. Let us look at the

opening credits.

Idiot.

Okay, Arnold, roll them.

Uh-huh. Mhm.

What are those numbers doing up there,

Arnold? Keep your mind on your work.

>> [music]

>> Now, what's going on?

Arnold, stop living in the past.

Oh, no. No, not again. Arnold, stop

showing your home movies.

ARNOLD.

RIGHT, ARNOLD? Let us show them the

first sin. And it's not that one.

Clean.

>> Come on, Mr. Rosen.

Clayton, give me a cigarette.

>> Help yourself, sir.

>> Don't know how you can smoke these

things. Sorry sir.

Pardon?

Can I fill you up, sir?

>> No. A packet of tissues, please.

>> Packet of tissues.

>> Yes.

>> Right then.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for your custom. Do call

again.

I embellished you through there, didn't

I, Clay?

>> No, sir.

>> What?

>> Uh, yes, sir.

>> Quite. Which is exactly why I'm the man

in the back of the table, and you are

driving it.

>> Ah, [music] but money isn't everything,

sir. You see, what I always say in life

is this. We are all given the

I don't know what you were talking about

behind that glass plate of yours,

Clayton. One thing I'm sure of, it was

wrong. Money isn't everything. Let me

tell you something, Clayton. Everything

comes he who takes, not he who waits.

Talking about waiting, I'm going to the

office now. You can wait here. I'll be

going to the city shortly. Understand?

>> Yes, sir. I

>> Oh. Oh,

>> just a moment.

>> What do you think you're doing?

>> There's a there's a 50 piece there, sir.

It's gone down the drain, sir. Oh,

>> well, it wasn't ours, was it?

>> It certainly wasn't ours. It was mine.

And you've lost it.

>> It's your fault.

>> If you had tried to steal it from me in

the first place, it wouldn't have gone

down there.

>> I I

>> You've lost my 50 p piece.

>> No, you see, you've got You've got

>> Well,

>> I don't want your 50 PIECE. I WANT MY 50

piece.

>> What can I do, sir? If you wanted to

impress me with your capabilities, you'd

get it for me.

>> Mr. Elner, I I shall get that 50 piece,

even if I have to dig up half of London

to do it.

>> Good lad, Clayton.

[music]

here. Do you reckon he's having a fit?

No, he's probably a student. What do you

reckon he's studying? [laughter]

my Well, will I uh

>> I don't think this is going to work.

>> Well, it doesn't matter anyway. Half the

fun of fishing is just sitting here,

isn't it?

>> I can't hang about. I I'd have to get

down there.

>> [music]

>> HELLO.

HELLO.

When I'm calling you,

>> I can hard.

>> IT'S NOT FUNNY. DADDY MYERS, THAT COULD

HAVE MADE ME SLIP THAT GOOD. AND YOU

KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS IN OUR BUSINESS?

>> Why'd you keep your hat on

>> when I'm calling you?

>> Have you got permission to fish down

that drain?

>> There's a fellow lost some money down

there.

>> Where is he then?

>> Well, he's he's gone down after it.

>> Are you pulling my leg? Oh, mine.

>> No one down there.

>> I've got a strike.

[screaming]

>> There is SOMEONE DOWN THERE.

>> HEY. HEY.

>> What's going on here?

Oh. Oh.

>> What are you then?

>> I'm a chauffeer.

>> You haven't got your car down here.

>> No, I haven't.

>> Well, that's all right then, cuz

driving's not allowed down here. Look,

>> I'm I'm caught on this fish hook.

>> Fishing's not allowed either. Here.

What's your bling game up there?

>> Language. Language. There are ladies up

here.

>> Where?

If you can see my buttons gleaming down

there, you'll know that you're talking

to a WPC.

>> A wellprotected crutch.

>> They got no jurisdiction down here.

>> Can you hear me down there?

>> So we sharp bandandy words with the

likes of her.

>> No, if you just get this off,

I'll run our sewers.

>> Can you hear me down there? Hello.

They're gone.

Don't you WALK AWAY FROM ME. HELLO.

>> You won't escape from me, you know.

Hello.

What was it you lost again?

>> 50 p a piece

>> in a tin can.

>> In a tin can

>> down that hole back there.

>> Yes, that hole back there.

>> Right now, let's see. You got your main

flow running east. Now, that's deflected

by the inlet from the west end.

Very nasty area that west end.

Let me see.

>> What are you doing?

>> Testing the warm air currents. We get a

lot of warm air currents through here.

All the warm air comes through it. Yeah.

We got about a three knot flow. Should

be well up your north passage by now.

Up there.

You can't miss it.

[screaming]

>> Oh, you did.

here. What you reckon he does with the

fish he catches? I reckon he froze him

back. Thank go for that.

>> [laughter]

>> If I'd known you were so lovely, I'd

have never shouted at you.

>> Oh, you startled me.

>> I think I've got something.

>> YOU FILTHY BEAST.

>> WHAT KIND OF ADVANTAGE OF POLICE

SWIMMING IN OUR STORE?

>> You're not even safe in a sewer

nowadays.

No passage.

>> MR. ELENOR, I FOUND IT. MR. ELENOR,

[screaming]

not a bad day.

Done.

D.

>> Anyone seen the chauffeer?

>> I think he went down that way.

>> Bloody fool.

Clayton. CLAYTON.

>> MR. ELSENOR. Found it.

>> Good, cuz you're fired.

>> But I found it, Mr. Elsenor. I I found

it. Mr. Elsenor, I found Mr. Elsenor.

There [music] Mr. Elsenor. There's a Mr.

Elsenor. Mr. [screaming]

>> I found it, Mr. else.

I'm trying to make a picture and I'm

getting no cooperation and no

collaboration of any kind. Suddenly,

everyone has disappeared. They're all

expecting me to do THIS WHOLE FILM ON MY

OWN. FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, WHERE IS

EVERYBODY? WHY CAN'T I GET ANY help or

even assistance?

WHERE HAS EVERYBODY GOT TO? FOR HEAVEN'S

SAKE,

they seen one. Take one.

[screaming]

That's it. That's the house I want. I've

always envied that house. When I used to

walk past here, I used to think, how

lovely to live there.

>> I don't think that one's for sale.

>> Well, make them an offer. You won't know

until you've made them an offer.

Besides, who was it who stuck the pin in

the football coupon?

>> You.

>> And who was it who come up with £250,000

first dividend?

>> You.

>> Right. Well, that's the house I want.

>> But what shall I say to him? How do I

know? You're the one who's got all the

chat. You and your amateur dramatics.

>> Operatics.

>> It's all the same. And don't talk

common. Do your posh voice. The one

you've done in the student prince.

It's all right, dear. Now go.

Have you ever thought of moving? Moving?

Yes. Moving? Moving where? Well, there's

some lovely houses out of sale, you

know. Look at this one. Six beds, four

recepts, oil fine, central heating.

Notice this one. Eight beds, two baths,

two recepts. Thank you. Not today.

>> All right, then. Sell this one and then

look around.

>> No, not today. I'll give you a good

price, a girl. £35,000.

>> Good of you to call. Good day.

>> 37,000.

>> Who is that at the door, dear? Oh, it

was a sort of a traveling estate agent.

He was selling houses.

>> You didn't buy one, I hope.

>> No, no, no.

>> No. Doesn't do to buy things from people

at the door. Look at the brushes I

bought.

>> 38,000.

>> I uh I saw Mr. Parker today.

>> How is he?

>> 38,000 cash. I can make out a check now.

I've got me checkbook. Look.

>> He said his leg was much better.

>> Good. All right, then. 40,000.

>> You know, we haven't had a rumage in the

attic for ages.

>> No, we have.

>> Let's Yes.

>> You You can have a doll in f.

We got plenty of cash. THE WIFE'S NOT

SHORT OF A BOB OR TWO.

>> I made them an offer.

They're thinking about it.

>> About 3 minutes. How long do they want?

Get back in.

>> Right, love.

Have you decided yet?

Hello.

Hello.

I did knock, but nobody answered.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Do you mind if I have a look around?

I say, DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A LOOK

AROUND?

I say

hello. Have you made up your mind yet?

>> I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in

there.

[clears throat] There's a house going on

THE RIVER FOR 35,000 AND IT'S GOT TWO

MORE ROOMS.

>> DARLING, you really must lock this door.

Anybody might come in. I mean, strangers

or anybody.

If you want more time to think about it,

say so.

I made her an offer. She's thinking

about it.

I'll be in touch then.

I'll be in touch.

I SAY IF I COME BACK IN HALF AN HOUR,

COULD YOU LET me

Are they letting us have it?

>> They didn't say.

>> Well, go back and ask them.

>> Go back and ask them.

>> Are you going to let us have it?

Well, are they selling?

>> I don't think so.

>> Oh, yes, they are.

>> We can't make them, you know.

>> Of course, we can.

>> How?

Subt.

[music]

the residents association.

Oh,

>> I wonder if you'd sign this, old man.

>> What is it?

>> It's a petition about the new airport.

>> Airport?

>> Yes. They'll be taken off right over

your heads. We've all signed all the

neighborhood.

>> But why? Uh why? BECAUSE OF THE HIDEOUS

HERE [bell] of the what?

[music] The noise.

>> I'm sorry. I can't quite here.

>> It'll deafen you.

>> What?

>> The noise. [music]

>> What noise?

>> The airplanes.

>> What airplanes?

>> The

airplanes at the new airport. They're

building up the road.

>> Are they building it up the road?

>> Oh, yes, they are. He is. [laughter]

Oh, then certainly outside.

Oh. Oh, you don't do the favor you're

doing me.

Oh, it will be a boon, won't it? Save

all that dreadful journey out to

Heathrow.

Oh, splendid. Splendid.

Good morning.

>> Morning. Just check it over inside

there, would you? Just to say you've had

it.

>> But I haven't had it yet.

>> You would have it right now.

>> Oh, am I?

>> All right. And here it is.

>> What am I supposed to do with it?

>> Fire it. Of course. That's your distress

rocket. And here's your rubber dingy.

Hello. Oh, hey. Oh. Oh, there you are.

Issue to everybody in case of danger.

>> But I'm not in danger, am I?

>> If that new embankment goes, you'll be

40 ft underwater. So, not to worry.

You'll have 2 minutes warning.

>> Only 2 minutes.

>> Well,

30 seconds. Really? We don't want to

panic people, do we?

>> That's the idea, right?

Here's your life belt.

>> Better put it on straight away.

>> Do I have to wear it? Oh, night and day

>> next to my skin.

>> Oh, anywhere you like. [laughter]

>> Oh,

it's not very pretty, is it?

>> Well, have I um have I got everything?

>> I suppose you have, really. [laughter]

Where would you like me to put this,

dear?

>> You put it where you like, darling. Oh.

>> What's this cord you've got hanging down

here?

>> I think you'll have to stop rubbing that

cream on, darling.

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> Hello there, mine. I'm your new next

door neighbor. Oh,

>> just moved in with the family. The

wife's family, the cousin's family, and

the two brother-in-laws family. All 22

just moved in. 22 people. Oh, 22

families. And now we're all going to

open the Caribbean Calypso Club next

door. So anytime you want any of that

old West Indian music, man.

>> Oh, yes. Come along in there. All man.

>> Excuse my asking, but you are a colored,

aren't you? Of course. Oh, definitely

[laughter] are. Of course.

>> Splendid.

Because I believe that you people are

the only ones who can make that kind of

music. I can listen to it all night.

picture. [music]

[music]

I must say that they've done a good job.

>> I should hope so. It's cost enough.

Just delivering your newspaper.

>> But you're the man who offered us 40,000

to the house.

>> Yes, I am. But I do a newspaper around

in the side. You see it all helps out.

Morning.

>> Good morning.

>> Oh, I say

>> bad news.

>> Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

>> Something wrong then?

Good heavens.

It'll come straight through here then.

>> Yes. All this will be coming down. Yes.

I suppose you wouldn't still be.

>> I might be. Huh?

>> It's only the lamb I'm after, you see.

>> Oh.

Well, it's all yours.

>> I knew you would get it. I just knew.

>> Yes.

>> Oh, by the way, they were right about

the road.

>> Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

[music]

>> Ready, darling?

>> Yes, sweetheart.

>> [music]

>> There must be no mistake. TAKE THAT

THING AWAY.

>> NO. [music] NO.

>> Five quid for yourself.

10. Um.

NO. I'M JUST BALD. YOU SEE? NO. You

can't do this to us.

[music]

>> Beautiful, darling. Beautiful. I will

make you an underwater star. My lean.

Now just wave your tentacles to show

that you love him. Oh, that's fantastic.

You don't have to overplay, baby. I What

happened to the lights?

[music]

>> [music]

>> That's the one I want.

>> Are you quite sure?

>> Positive.

>> I have others.

>> No, [music] that's the one I want.

>> Well, you're the one who's paying. Chin.

>> [music]

>> Is that what you had in mind?

>> That's exactly what I had in mind.

>> Right, Bob.

>> Beautiful baby. Beautiful.

And in our spring campaign for Slimo

biscuits, we cannot overemphasize the

perils of overeating.

We must also think thin and fight the

fat that is fatal with Slim O Biscuits.

Sign for and on behalf Slimo Biscuits

Stockholm AB Richard Clemens advertising

manager.

>> How many copies

>> to all departments?

You really believe in our product, don't

you, Mr. Clemens?

>> Miss Johnson, how can a man sell a

product unless he believes in it with

all his heart?

>> Eight Slimmo biscuits a day.

Um, you have no desire for any other

food.

You did say all departments.

>> M.

>> You really do love those biscuits, don't

you?

Miss Spenson just rang down. She'll be

coming to see you in 5 minutes. I clear

that.

>> [music]

>> for the comb.

Can you spare me a few moments?

>> Yes. Of course.

>> You sure I'm not disturbing you?

>> No, no, no, not at all.

>> Uh-uh.

I just realized we never had a chance to

discuss the new campaign properly.

>> Well, I suppose we could.

>> So difficult with all the distractions

in the office. Yes, it is.

>> If you would care to come to my

apartment one evening, we might have a

little chat.

>> Yes, we we might. [music]

>> And also we might have

>> And now I'm going to suggest something

rather naughty.

>> Oh,

>> raise duckling, new potatoes, pipa, and

stuffing.

But we couldn't. What would they say?

>> They have to know.

>> But you're the vice president. You were

the one that said we must all keep our

weight [music] down.

>> And so we must, Dicki. But this is a

very special occasion. It's a chance for

us to get to know each other.

>> So Thursday evening, 8:00, my place,

right?

Right.

Petty pua

praised duck

and stuffing.

All right, I'm going to run.

>> [clears throat]

>> Oh,

M.

organically sound, but you've put on £5.

But I couldn't have. The scales never

lie. What do you weigh?

>> Nine stone four.

>> So, what have you been eating? All I've

had is eight Slimmo biscuits a day.

>> What are you doing?

>> What's this? What?

>> Well, you see, doctor.

>> And this?

>> Yeah. Now, look, I I I want to explain.

>> And this? You're a walking repository of

carbohydrates. As companies, doctor, I'm

duty bound to report anyone who showed

signs of obesity. But you wouldn't.

>> Well, I might overlook it this time.

What have you had to eat today? Well,

there was this donut

>> cream

>> jam.

>> Jam

>> bowl of rice pudding.

>> Bowl of rice pudding

>> and a sandwich.

>> Sandwich.

>> Contents of sandwich.

>> Ham.

>> York.

>> Virginia. Honey baked.

>> Oh god.

>> Cheese.

>> Cheddar.

>> Dutch. Danish [music] blue. Caref

Philly.

>> Oh my god. Salami sausage, tomato sauce,

and

it was toasted.

>> And it was toasted. There's only one

answer for you.

>> What? Plan B.

>> Plan B.

>> Plan B. But that's only two Slimmo

biscuits a day.

>> Exactly. And you'll remain on plan B for

at least 2 weeks. Otherwise,

>> Excuse me. I must go and have a quick um

conference.

Baked Virginia ham,

Dutch Danish blue capilli, [snorts]

salami sausage

and tomato sauce.

And it was toasted.

H

[music]

breeze duck.

New potatoes.

Pipa

and stuffing.

Raise duckling, new potatoes,

petty

and stuffing.

>> [bell]

>> I just came to tell you it's off.

>> What is

>> the duck? They got me on plan B.

Never mind.

>> Do you all the good in the world? Make

you a lot fitter?

>> How do you know?

>> I invented it. After all, look what it

did for me. We must watch our calories.

>> Yes, we must.

Oh, I was so looking forward to that

duck.

Is that it?

>> You'd better turn it off. I can see it's

worrying you.

>> No. No. Sniffing it can't hurt you, can

it?

>> No. And after all, I will have to keep

my strength up, won't I?

>> Anyway, let's see if I can take your

mind off it.

>> Tell me, how do you like my new perfume?

>> Oh, it's lovely. It's [snorts] um it's

uh No, no, no. Don't tell me. No, it's

um Chanel. No. [music]

>> Gibbons.

No, it's um No, don't tell me. No, no,

don't tell me. It's um

is Upsdale soup you've got on there.

>> No, Dicky.

After all, when two people like each

other,

>> nothing else matters.

Oh, have you done it with Parsley?

>> Who?

>> Oh,

I think I must go to the bathroom.

>> Huh?

>> The bathroom is that way.

Indigestion. cabinets.

>> Oh,

>> what happened?

>> I tried to open the window and it fell

on it.

Oh, my poor boy.

>> Oh,

let me kiss it back.

>> Oh, thank you.

[snorts]

Let it ring.

>> Perhaps it's the office

might be important.

>> Oh.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Goodbye then.

Now, where were we?

>> I think I better leave.

>> No, you'll only go and have dinner. Stay

here and I'll keep you out of

temptation.

Oh, darling, you're so demonstrative.

It's very hot in here.

You're so right. I'll have changed into

something cooler.

>> Patience, darling.

[snorts]

>> Soon, darling. soon.

>> Darling, I'm ready.

Darling,

>> are you there, darling?

>> Just cooling off, darling.

Well, do hurry, darling.

[music]

4B duck

underwater.

>> Well, don't worry. We'll save you. But

don't move. Just lie there.

>> I take it he didn't get to the pudding.

>> No, he didn't get that far.

>> Pity. I like something that's rather

sweet.

>> I'm sure you do.

>> Perhaps I'd better take a look at it.

>> Perhaps you should. Beautiful.

Beautiful.

>> Do you really think so?

>> I've never had anything like it in my

life.

>> So glad you like it.

>> Do you know when I touch it, it goes

wobbly, wobbly, wobbly.

Now, Gregory, we have a nice shot here.

You see a quick pan to that one over

there. Well, that would be very good.

Very good indeed. But for this name, I

want it sharp. Really sharp.

>> Hello, darling. You doing anything

tonight? Cuz if you're not, I might be a

fellow like, well, the fellow you've

been looking for like you and me might

sort of paint the town red like.

Oh god, I've got to stop using that word

like.

What about the more whimsical approach?

Play it a bit sad.

Now, if someone come up to a bird

looking like that, you'd call a law.

My lips don't lend themselves to whimsy.

They're more like cruel and sensual.

>> You will learn to play the piano,

Jessica. You will

go.

Now, if I was a bird, would I fancy me?

Would I? You must be joking.

Still, I might be all right tonight.

I think I'll have a little wander up

west. See if Lady Luck waggles her hips

in my direction.

No good wandering anywhere with that

open.

Why you there's a lot worse looking

fellas than me get birds.

>> Look at that Aristotle bubbling squeak

him with the boats.

>> Hey do too bird.

>> Easy to get a bird if you got a yacht.

Hello darling. Care to come aboard?

That's a girly.

Oh yes. Up anchor full steam ahead. You

can't get out and walk now darling. You

lumbered.

Yeah, if I had a yacht, I'd have

thousands of birds. A different one for

every night of the year. But right now,

I'd be happy with just one

for the moon, is it?

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I get a bird?

All looks so easy on the telly. Unzip a

filter to tip. You're never alone with a

banana.

P O.

Yeah. Just scrub under the armpits with

a lump of old soap and [ __ ] straight into

bed with some right little darling.

>> Huh? Ah, [snorts]

bleeding laundry.

Such an real life. It don't work out

that way. Do it. I mean, there must be

birds in the same position as me. It

stands to reason. I mean, who are they

Eminem commercials at? Listless hair

ruined my social life. I don't even get

the ones with listless dandruff.

Must save up some more [ __ ] coupons.

[music]

Saturday night, I'm all on me. It's not

right. It's not fair.

I am 38 years old.

I've got natural needs.

Now check bird hunting equipment. Light

up.

Pardon me, miss. Was you looking for a

light?

>> Yeah. It's very useful for opening

conversations with birds. That is

right.

You're sitting on the tube.

There's a rather dolly looking bird

sitting beside you. She's rumaging in

her own handbag for a cigarette. She

takes one out and now she's looking for

a match. Right. H you go.

>> H. Not bad. Have to clip one or two

seconds off of that. Otherwise, some

bright looking geyser might beat me to

it.

That's better. Ambrose tweedly, the

fastest lighter on the bakerof.

Right. Foreign phrase books for chatting

up opairs. Another sundry foreign

crumpet.

Spanish English. Swedish English.

How to say it in the German?

Uh volenc

on the way down.

Right,

we'll sit then.

Right, off to the go then.

Heat. Heat.

That's good, isn't it? You had your

chance and missed it. The fastest

lighter on the Baloo. More like the

phantom fire razor from Finchley.

Anyhow, she knows you're there. She

probably wants chatting up anyhow, but

she'll only let you as long as you let

her pretend she doesn't want to know and

you talked to her into it in the first

place.

Right, chatter. Go on now.

>> Hello, darling. You're all on your

ending, are you, darling?

>> What did you say? Oh,

>> do pick your pardon. You called me

darling. I distinctly heard you call me

darling.

>> I'm very sorry. I thought you was a

young lady.

That is I mean I thought

>> I know what you thought. I know very

well what you thought.

>> Terribly sorry, really.

>> It's nice, isn't it? Charming, eh? Can't

blame me. A gentleman can't ride on the

London Underground by himself now

without been accosted by every passing

pervert.

>> Look, what can I say? You were a girl

before. Only you changed. Amen.

>> I heard you. I heard what he said. He

called you darling.

>> Ask me if I was on my own.

>> They can't help it. You know, it's the

hormones. I've read [clears throat]

about them. Yes, that's what it is. Or

neighbors got them.

>> Hormones. Yeah, of course. You know, you

can get pools for them now.

>> Yeah, what they say you can anyway

because I know the float down the road.

>> Where to then? I think I'll just hang

about by the ticket office upstairs.

That's the place. Birds waiting for

their dates. One of them's bound not to

show up. Yeah, I'll hang about upstairs.

Blime me. Look at that.

Oh, that's deliberately titilating my

lower sensibilities. That is

a possible leg's not bad. Looks a bit

mouthy. No, I think I'll hang about

upstairs.

>> Hormones.

Now then, Ambrose, hang about a bit

nonchalant.

Take your time. No worry.

Remember, you're not rabbit hunting.

You're after big game.

Pass him, pervert.

Nah. Which little darling's going to get

lucky tonight?

That one? No, she's too tall. Tall ones

always giggle.

>> [laughter]

>> H. Not bad. Typist maybe. No, no, no,

no. Fingernails is too long for a

typist. Receptionist, perhaps. Uh-oh.

She's got them funny stockings on.

Probably hiding blotchy legs. I can't

stand blotchy legs.

Oh, that's better.

No, it's not.

Oh god, the mouse is still here.

Oh, stru. Well, that's it, isn't it?

Definitely the Swedish Opair on her

night off lost in a foreign city. Right

now's me chance.

Are you the ticket collector? Which way?

Platform 5. Can I help you, madam?

Can I help you, madam?

Come. Yug help her, bro.

Can y help?

Can you help her? Frocken,

>> I beg your pardon.

>> Can Can you have some trouble, girl?

>> What is this foreign? I think he's lost.

>> Lost? Are you Are you lost? V and Z

cigarette and throw line filter to

tippen or hood and pine then you still

at it. You and I've got them hormones.

You want to watch him.

>> You watch your game. You trying to pull

my bird? You better watch it, son. I'll

have you, mate. I'll have you, son.

>> I love you, son.

How does he think he's kidding?

I'm not the type that frightens easily.

Can I help you?

>> I'll have this one.

>> 50 p, sir. Thank you, Jack.

>> Yeah.

Yeah, I'll have a bit of a read. Never

hurts to look a bit intellectual.

Felt his swine. That's typical. That is

I reckon he's got more hormones than I

have.

Hello.

Yeah, that's a bit much, isn't it? I

mean, I'm not approved, but that's a bit

much in public. Talk about flaunting

your wealth. Hello. She's going and all.

Perhaps she didn't have blotchy legs.

Let's see. That leaves

the Marcy Bird.

Oh, well, beggars can't be choosers.

Shall we have a go? Blime me. Don't tell

me she's going and all.

No, she's been stood up. She's going to

phone the boyfriend. Find out what went

wrong.

This calls for immediate action. Right.

He's out. He has to go up. He ain't

going to be here. Right, Twombly? This

is your last chance.

Come on, darling. Answer it.

>> Hello.

>> Uh, Jean, is that you?

>> No.

Well, that's funny. I dialed uh 7341

29.

>> That's right. Only it's a call box.

>> Well, it appears I have been stood up.

>> I know the feeling.

>> Really? Fancy that. Uh, two destinies

come together.

The ships that pass in the night.

>> Ships? Oh, are you a sailor?

>> No.

Oh, what I've tried to say is

I feel as if I know you already.

>> I know what you mean. It's sort of Well,

you know what I mean.

>> Exactly.

And you put it so much better than I do.

>> By the way, my name is Ambrose.

>> Hello, Ambrose.

>> Hello.

What's your name? No, don't tell me. Let

me guess.

Greeter.

>> How do you know?

>> Oh, I don't know. Shot in the dark, I

suppose.

>> Or perhaps it's because I once knew a

girl called Greeter when I was a little

boy.

>> Pretty little thing. You will

got blue eyes, blonde hair,

>> a lovely little turned up nose.

>> Got a mole on her cheek.

>> No.

>> Yeah, just under the right eye.

>> What about her?

>> Oh, nothing really. It's just I was

madly in love with her for a while. She

never knew, of course.

Wonder what happened to little Greet

Spavin from Wilston.

>> My name's Greet Spavin. That's my name.

>> Well, what do you know about that?

>> Yeah, you weren't that nice little boy

that used to push me on the swings in

Gladstone Park. Were you?

>> You do remember.

>> I often wonder what become of you. Look,

greet her. It It just so happens if I'm

doing nothing tonight. I wonder if we

could sort of meet and

have a coffee.

>> I can't tonight, Ambrose. I'm waiting

for my date. Only ain't showing up. I

was trying to phone him when you called.

>> Well, he won't show now.

>> Well, he might.

>> No.

Greeter, look. Greet, please listen.

Please meet me. Just for a talk. I mean,

it's just it's rotten being on your own

on a Saturday night.

Will you meet me? I mean, just for a

talk.

>> Well, all right.

There's just one problem.

>> What's that then?

>> There's a right idiot in the next box to

me. He's been following me all night.

Funny looking little man. He looks like

a monkey.

Well, as soon as I get rid of him, I'll

be there. You choose the place and I'll

meet you. So, listen. Where am I going

to meet you then?

Ambrose.

Hello.

Hello. Ambrose.

It's all right. He's gone now.

Ambrose.

Ambrose.

There goes one plane. And there goes

another one. That was one of ours. Keep

the camera on those planes. Now, now you

MUST USE THE TRIPOD, GREGORY. GREGORY,

use the tripod.

YOU'RE IDIOTS. YOU'RE IDIOTS.

[screaming] AH,

HEY. [music]

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> HEAT. HEAT.

OH, go on then. Back up.

>> I beg your button.

>> I said back up. I can't get past here,

can I?

>> Well, I suggest you back up.

>> I'm not backing up. Oh, no. It's not up

to me to back up. I know me highway

code. I'm further up the lane than you

are.

>> You most certainly are not.

>> I am. And that's galore. The one

furthest up the lane has the right of

way. But don't keep on about being

further up the lane. There's a good

chap.

>> Aren't you? There's a good chap. Me,

mate.

>> And don't you mate me.

>> Look. Are you going to back up or not?

>> Certainly not.

>> I see.

>> Well, that's it then, isn't it?

I got all day.

Go on, Albert. Back up.

>> Me? Oh, no. I'm further up the lane than

he is. It's up to him to back up.

>> You've got to win every time, haven't

you?

>> I'm in the right and I'm not moving. So,

sit down and shell up.

>> Why don't you back up, Charles? It won't

take a minute.

>> Certainly not. We're further up the lane

than they are.

>> Don't be so childish.

>> I'm not being childish.

>> You always have to be on the right,

don't you? Look, Celia, would you please

leave this to me? Just sit there and

keep quiet.

>> Just all day, mate. I've switched off.

>> Well, while I'm here, I might as well

kill two birds with one stone.

I see.

Well, two can play at that game.

>> Charles,

>> I need one anyway.

>> [music]

>> Now look here. This has gone far enough.

>> Don't lean on my car.

>> I was just resting my hand on the

windscreen.

>> Well, don't don't touch the car. I don't

like people touching my car.

>> Look, it would be much easier for you to

back up your car, but it would for me to

back up mine.

>> You got no right coming up a lane like

this with a great car that size.

>> I am entitled to drive my car whenever I

please.

>> You think because you got a Rolls-Royce,

we've all got to drive up the bushes to

let you get by.

>> Oh, I see. That's it. Is it? You resent

the fact that I have a Rolls-Royce while

you have a

>> What is it?

>> Don't matter what it is, it's stopping

you, isn't it? Are you going to back up

this heap of old tin or am I going to

have to push you back?

>> You call my car.

>> Albert,

>> keep out of this.

>> What' you call my car?

>> A heap of old tin, which if necessary, I

shall drive up to and push back right

the way down to the other end of the

lane.

>> And if you do, I shall push your teeth

right the way down to the other end of

your throat.

>> Right. We'll see about that.

Oh, Charles, you're not going to brawl

in public. Billy, there are times when I

find it extremely difficult not to laugh

at you.

>> Thank you, my dear. It is always

encouraging to know that one's wife is

on the side of the enemy.

>> Oh, do what you like. But watch your

blood pressure.

Honestly, I don't think we've ever been

out in the car without you getting

involved in something. If it's not a

fight, you're sticking your head out the

window and shouting at people. You can

always stay at home.

>> Just remember what the doctor said about

your varicus veins.

>> Before we start, what are we fighting

for? Loser backs up? In that case, you

might as well back up right now.

>> Well, don't you be so sure.

>> Yeah, I'm going to thrash you with an

inch of your life, you d mouth light.

Straight softy nose quick. I'll beat the

daylights out of you.

>> Come on, you vulgar little man.

>> You was for it now. I met you tight

before. It'd be a pleasure to smash your

reading.

>> Put your hands up. Put your hands up.

Come on.

Stop backing away, you coward. Who's

backing away?

Careful. You need to cut one then.

>> You think I can't take care of myself?

Oh.

Oh.

Uh, can I be of any assistance, sir?

>> It's a good job you arrived. We just

stopped him getting the biggest item of

his life.

>> I was just going to put him away.

>> Yeah. All right, then. Come on. Let's

see. Come. Gentlemen, gentlemen,

gentlemen. Gentlemen, please. Has there

been an accident?

>> Not yet.

>> This fellow refuses to back up. It's not

up to me to back up. I'm further up the

lane than he is.

>> You are not.

>> Obviously, one of you will have to back

up, won't you,

>> gentlemen? I must, without fear or

favor, exercise my discretion now. Is

that your car, sir?

>> Naturally.

>> Right. Come on. Back up. Yeah. Bum.

>> Come along, sir. Now, please. It's not

for me to move.

>> Back up.

Some people just don't know how to

behave on the road.

>> Very nice car. These, aren't they?

>> Thank you very much.

>> Has your AA badge fallen off by any

chance, sir?

>> H no, I only belong to the RC.

>> Oh dear. Only people with your class of

car usually belong to both

organizations. Not that I have anything

against the RC, of course. And I know we

do not boast the royal prefix, but our

past president is the Duke of Edinburgh.

>> Look, this is no time to tout for

business. Are you going to get him to

back up or not?

>> My first consideration must be,

regardless of my own personal feelings,

to our members.

>> Hey, I've just noticed he's not one of

your alert and I am.

>> Do I understand that you are asking me

to back up?

>> If you wouldn't mind, sir.

>> Well, I bloody well do mind.

>> I'm not going to.

having a little spot of ballazer.

>> Yes, he won't back up.

>> Do you mind? I'm speaking to my member.

You were saying, sir.

>> This car is blocking my way and the

driver refuses to back up.

>> Have they been intimidating you, sir?

We'll soon sort this out. Come along

now. Back up.

>> It's your duty to look after my

interest. That's what you pay for.

>> My member categorically refuses to move

his vehicle in any other direction than

forwards.

>> Good lad.

>> As representative of the senior

organization.

>> As the what

>> senior organization? We were formed

before you were.

>> Who's got the most members?

>> Quite obvious. My member is farther up

the lane than your member.

>> Well, there's an easy way to settle it.

>> [music]

>> That's our eldest. He takes after his

father. Unfortunately,

>> men are such children, aren't they?

>> Oh, mine is right. What pink head do you

use?

>> He can't be worse than mine. Honestly,

he's on the board of 30 companies, and

if they saw how he behaved at home, they

throw him off every one of them.

>> Well, Albert, mine, he's a shop steward.

He's always the first one on strike.

He'll never amount to anything.

>> Thank god his father left him money.

That's all I can say about mine. More

champ.

>> Oh, thank you. Now, Timothy, he's our

youngest.

>> Your member is 103 yards from the

nearest layby.

>> Aha. Your member is 101 yards from his

nearest Levi.

>> Right. He's nearest. He backs up.

>> Now, just a minute. Your member has a

bigger car than my member.

>> Well, what's that got to do with it?

Your member's vehicle is 2 yards longer

than my member's vehicle.

>> Uh-huh. Which means they're both exactly

the same distance apart.

Hello, Fred.

Hello, Harry.

>> Now, what seems to be the trouble here?

>> His members blocking my members's path.

>> His members blocking my members's path.

>> Yours?

>> Yeah, that's right. Yes.

>> Yours?

>> Yes.

>> You have got theote certificate.

>> Oh, yeah. Well, it's been done for. See,

>> is the umbre full on?

>> Yep.

>> The indicators, please.

>> Right.

>> Yes. Well, if they were a bit bigger,

you'd be able to take off, wouldn't you?

I'm sure you'll be hearing from someone

in the next few days.

>> Danger to the public, Rex, like that.

>> Driving license, insurance.

>> I beg your pardon.

>> Driving license insurance.

>> Um, well, I um I don't normally carry

them on me, constible. I've

>> near police station in the next 5 days.

>> Well,

so you both refuse to back up, do you?

Then I'll be forced to take a legal

decision.

>> Back up.

>> Also,

excuse me. I think we're off.

>> Oh, yes.

>> Well, thank you so much. It's been very

nice.

>> Not at all.

It was a pleasure.

>> Thanks.

>> Well, you feel better now.

>> Thank you very much, constable. You may

proceed now, sir, if you wish.

We won, darling.

>> How clever of you.

>> Yes, I'm quite pleased about that.

Stand up for what you believe. It's the

only way.

Oh, Constable,

how far is Lord Kanewood's house?

>> Lord Kanewood? Uh, uh, about a mile,

sir.

>> Oh,

thank you very much.

>> I wouldn't go that way if I were you,

sir.

>> Why not? because he lives back there. By

the way, you won't be able to turn

around, so you'll have to back off.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Back up. I'm not fast enough.

>> Back up.

>> Oh, for [ __ ] sake.

>> Now look here. Will you get that thing

out of here?

>> You get your thing out of here.

>> I have got the right of way. Get it out

of here.

>> What about my right away? Eh,

>> crying out loud. Will you move that

vehicle or not?

>> You try moving it.

>> I wish I

PURE THE MOUNTAINS.

BRING in the Roman soldiers.

[snorts]

Now the chariots.

Oh, there is still something missing. I

was promised elephants.

I thought there was more than one.

I wonder if that is all.

I must speak to the casting department.

[music]

Heat. Heat.

>> [music]

>> Heat. Heat.

Heat. Heat.

Yeah,

[music]

you

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> Heat. [music]

Heat.

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

>> Now, where is that other piece of film?

The birth of a nation. Gone with the

wind. Ah, [music] here we are. My latest

masterpiece.

Oh yeah.

All my life I spend in the army.

£3 a week I pay and she won't even let

me keep a cat.

>> 25 years ended up a company commander.

>> I I said to her I said you've [music]

got a cat, Mrs. Latimer. M scrap heap

>> big fat thing never moves and when it

does it makes a mess.

>> 25 years and now I'm being pushed about

by an acting lance corporal.

You look at the spike

[music]

going.

Here he comes. The pride of the pioneer

core.

What's it going to be this time?

So, it's kindness to our feathered

friends week this week, is it? Sir,

may I remind you that those little

creatures already do receive a balanced

diet? Don't want their little crop

stuffed up with carbo dehydrates, do we,

sir?

>> Right. Let's have that litter in the

basket then, shall we, sir?

>> He dropped it down.

He picked it up.

Come on, let's have it up.

Oh, do forgive me, sir. I forgot.

You're too old, didn't you?

I'll do it for you, sir.

[laughter]

Of

course you realize I couldn't have done

any of that.

I'm too old.

You've done it now.

You won't be justified for that. You

know that's vandalism. That is have the

law on you for that. Have the police off

you.

And don't forget you're a witness.

You know what we've got to do?

>> What's that?

>> I'm afraid we've got to kill him.

>> You're not joking.

>> Nope.

>> Oh, good.

>> You mean you think we should?

>> Oh, yes, of course. I've thought so for

a long time. Uh, sandwich cream.

I must say you're a bit of a dark horse,

Kenny. Nothing personal, but I'd always

considered you a bit wet.

No, that Jarvis is a bastard. Oh,

forgive the language. Once we've taken

care of him, we can attend to your

little problem.

>> That damn cat.

>> No,

that damn Mrs. Latima.

>> Oh, have another sandwich.

>> Oh, no. After all, what have we got to

lose?

>> No. That man has gone too far. He's made

me very, very angry. Would you mind

giving me a hand?

>> Certainly, old boy.

>> One,

two,

THREE.

BANDLES. BANDLES. Is nothing sacred.

>> [music]

[music]

[screaming]

>> George. George.

Yeah. What's going on here?

We should have tried my idea.

>> Shut up.

>> After you, Kenneth.

>> No, no, after you, George.

>> Oh, very well. If you insist.

Now you know what it feels like.

>> [screaming]

>> Well,

hello.

Come on.

You

Hi. Who are you? What do you think this

is? Ed Scots miss. Yes. Very nice.

>> Right. Right, mate. I'm having you.

>> If you THINK YOU CAN FLOP MY AUTHORITY

AND GET AWAY WITH IT, MATE. YOU GOT

ANOTHER THING COMING. I'LL HAVE YOU,

MATE. DON'T GO AWAY.

The bastard's indestructible.

>> I think I have the solution.

>> It's indestructible, I tell you.

>> What do you mean?

>> I've never really wanted to use this

before, but I feel we have an emergency.

>> What?

>> Mrs. Latimer's homemade juniper wine.

>> I don't understand.

When we've given some to Jarvis, she

will.

Oh,

there we are.

Then I leave you to administer the

potion.

>> Yes. All right.

>> Are you sure it'll work?

>> Oh, well, I'd hate to tell you what it

once did to me.

>> Oh, well, it's worth a try. Get on. Get

on.

>> [music]

>> Yes. Well, not bad as a peace offering.

>> Mind you, don't imagine for one minute

that's going to get me to sit down on

the job.

>> Oh, I'm sure it won't. You still have to

mind your P's and Q's, you know.

>> Yeah.

>> About now. I should think.

[music]

[music]

>> [music]

>> 5 4 3 2 1

>> You did fix the wires, didn't you?

>> No, I left that for you. After all,

you're the explosives expert.

>> Quick, before he finishes. [music]

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

>> Well, it was worth it.

>> Oh, yes. I do so agree with you.

>> M. It's perfect here.

>> Yes.

>> And we can throw as much paper as we

like. Of course. Oh, yes. [laughter]

Right, let's have all that litter up

then, shall we? Come on, look lively.

>> What makes you think you've got control

up here?

>> Impertinence.

>> May we remind you that we are in heaven?

>> Oh, no, you bloody will not.

>> Come on,

get that little up. Come on.

Come on.

Heat.