Original subtitles

[foghorn blowing]

[tense music playing]

I'm in. We're on-site.

Affirmative, pony boy.

Got a lock on the target's cell phone. Twenty meters northwest of you.

[Brock] I don't like it.

He's been a ghost for three days, and suddenly we get a ping.

I don't know. Maybe he couldn't find his charger.

All right, team, eyes open.

This could be a trap.

[beeping]

[beeping intensifies]

Ah. Why do they always have to be pre-dawn, these raids?

I mean, what's wrong with a nice pre-noon raid,

like a brunch raid?

[beeping intensifies]

[tense music playing]

[metallic creaking]

[gasps] Oh, no.

Hank?

Buddy?

[screams] What the hell are you people doing?

Trying to sleep.

Negative. It's not him.

Ain't Hank.

[voice shaking] It's not him.

- It's not-- - Ah. Told you this was a waste of time.

What would Hank be doing in Queens, anyway?

Nobody goes to Queens.

I... I live in Queens.

My point exactly.

Cut the chatter, you two.

- Yeah, Dad. Shh! - Don't shush me.

Give. Nah, it's mine. [snorts]

Ah! Come on! [mumbles]

Where'd you get this?

The Batman gave it to me. Give it!

Where is he? Where is Hank Ven--

[explosion]

[Hunter] Captain! Something big just went kablooey, five blocks south.

- [alarm blaring] - [panicked shouting]

Heat signature's off the chart. Pull your team and check it out.

All right. You heard the man. Let's pull out, people.

Move, move!

Where are they going?

- What about Hank? - Ah!

Can't believe I got up early for this.

[Dr. Venture] No! Absolutely not!

You people broke into my home, kidnapped me,

dragged me to your honeycomb hideout,

and now you want what? My blood?

It's just a little cheek swab. Two seconds and I'll be out of your...

bu... business.

Well, you're not getting a swab.

So I guess our "business" is done here.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important product launch to prepare for,

and my morning's already been shot to hell.

Don't you understand?

We need to determine conclusively whether you and The Monarch are related.

What, are you making your Christmas card list?

Why should I care if your husband is some fifth cousin thrice removed?

[sighs in exasperation] This is a Guild matter.

I'm not here as The Monarch's wife.

Oh, that much is obvious.

I don't see a wedding ring.

I'm wearing gloves.

I think I know what this is really about.

You and I have had a certain unspoken sexual tension between us for years.

Meow.

- Ugh! No. - And this is where you play your part,

by denying it, because you must.

You're a married woman.

So you come here wishing on a swab

to find some tiny speck of magic rusty dust

deep inside that husband of yours.

Mmm. I can see by the look on your face, I've struck a nerve.

[thuds]

What was that?

They're calling it off!

They're calling off the search for Hank!

OSI.

Office of Stupid... Idiots!

Daddy's working, Dean.

Daddy's receptionist should have told you that.

Well, I can see you're very busy, Dr. Venture,

and I'm not getting anywhere with you.

So I won't take up any more of your time.

They said they don't have the resources to keep looking for him

'cause some fraud guy blew up or something.

Plus, he isn't really "missing" because he left on his own rec...

recog...

Recognizance.

Well, they have a point.

Wait. Didn't I have a coffee?

I have to find him. We have to find him.

He could be lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

Not a lot of ditches in New York, son.

- Dead in a gutter, maybe. - Pop!

Why aren't you more worried about Hank?

Because he's Hank! He does this.

He runs off and does crazy things, and then he comes back home again.

Remember when he tried to run away to the North Pole

because Santa didn't get him a go-kart?

He was gone for three whole days.

Until Brock finally found him in a...

Wait. He actually was dead in a ditch that time.

Anyway, right now, the best thing you can do for Hank

is to go back to school and live your life.

[scoffs] How will that help?

Because that school is costing me a fortune.

Pop!

You're unbelievable.

Doc, we got a huge problem with the new product.

Do I even have a receptionist?

[groans]

Hmm?

[chuckles nervously]

Hey, honey.

Get in the car.

You too, Gary.

What are you trying to prove?

Exactly what I'd ask you.

What are you trying to prove?

The answer better be that Dr. Venture isn't related to me.

I just collected better DNA and will run proper tests.

Then the Guild will redefine your status.

Oh, I have been jerked around for years by your Guild.

They made a Level Ten.

Now I'm supposed to sit around and wait?

Again?

There are very specific rules,

no arching Venture till we define his relation to you.

- I'm sorry. - [sighs]

- You really don't get this. - Get what?

I am a supervillain that hates Dr. Venture.

That is the way it is, has been, and will always be.

It's what I do.

Ever since you became a councilwoman for the Guild,

I've been unable to be...

to be me!

I know. I swear I do.

But you just have to hang on a little longer.

[cell phone ringing]

- [sighs] Hold on. - You said that years ago.

Yes?

Of course I'm sitting down. Who stands up in a limo?

No. Are you say--

When?

Call an emergency session of the Council of 13.

I'll be right there.

Driver, pull over.

[tires screech]

What's this? What's happening?

[sighs] I'm sorry, sweetie.

I work in the city, so you're gonna need to take the PATH train.

Unreal.

Unreal.

Uh, thank you for the ride, Mrs. Monarch.

[music playing on Helper]

Oh, God, has it become sentient?

- No, no, it has not. - Phew!

And my father's brain isn't trapped inside of it?

What? No.

Well, then, what's the big problem?

White. A demonstration?

Ahem.

Hey, Helper. Turn it up.

[volume increases]

Well, it sounds great.

Glad I insisted on upgrading the superconductors in those speakers.

Wait.

A-ha.

All right.

Nothing a few stickums can't solve.

Whoa!

When did we add that?

We didn't, Rus. That's the problem.

We need to stop the launch.

We need to open this thing up, retool it, fix whatever the bug is.

Oh, for the love of Benji! This is what you're panicking about?

This is a feature, not a bug.

Levitating personal assistant.

- Who else is doing this? - Eh.

Hey, Helper, stop the music.

[beeps, music stops]

- Ahhh! Son of a-- - That could have been a baby's head.

Now do you get it?

Well, we can't stop the launch.

Look around you.

We've got thousands of these things ready to ship.

The fate of the company is literally riding on this product.

Yeah, about that, Doc...

Since ye insisted on all of them modifications to the original design...

Improvements.

...the bleeding things cost more to manufacture

than we was gonna sell them for.

VenTech'll actually lose money on every unit ye sell.

So, basically you Blue Monday-ed it.

Ah.

You knows I hates to say it.

I've been with this company since ye first set sail.

But it might be time to consider filing for--

Don't even. I am not bankrupt.

Here's what I am gonna do.

You're gonna jack up the price and change all the advertising,

and you two are gonna figure out how to not crush babies, or whatever.

We're launching tomorrow, gentlemen.

Get to work.

[incomprehensible robotic speech]

Oh, stop it. They're not replacing you.

[robotic screaming]

No, it's an homage.

Helper. Hey, come on.

You owe me $2.75.

Dude! Villain.

Stop pointing.

So what? Who cares?

She's in colors. Let's go talk to her.

No, come on. Just leave it.

I've never seen her before, and she's blazing colors.

I want to talk to her.

Just... [sighs] There he goes.

Colors!

[The Monarch] Oh, hi. You're dressed like me.

Will you be my friend?

Well, of course I will, because we have so much in common.

Do you like food?

[The Monarch] I love food.

Really? Me too.

Do you like sleep and shelter?

This is amazing.

It's like you can read my mind.

Oh, you're kidding me.

How did you get her number? Oh...

Thumbs up. Yeah. Yeah. Say hi.

Thank you for dragging me...

Oh, my God.

- Debbie? - [electricity crackling]

[ominous music playing]

[engine approaching]

[powers down]

[heavy marching footsteps]

Call me.

[energy pulsing]

Did you see that?

That was awesome.

Never saw that coming.

Hey, here's crazy. That was my ex.

Look at the hole. No debris.

Map trajectory heat laser.

That's state-of-the-art shit right there.

How did she get that?

Guild doesn't have that.

The Guild has a giant boxing glove at the end of a big rusty spring.

Well, Mantilla's not Guild. She's from Arch.

She gave you her card, and she knew who you were.

- This is weird. - Dude, not weird.

For one, I am the mighty Monarch.

And for two, that's my ex.

That was your ex?

You've dated Mantilla?

Yes. She wasn't Mantilla then.

Well, you should've asked her for a ride

because there's no way a train's coming after all that.

[soldiers screaming]

There were casualties.

[Red Mantle] Is it me, or is every new show about superheroes?

I can't keep up.

It's like a job trying to follow this nonsense.

In humans.

Did I have to watch fake X-Men on the moon to understand the movies?

Gentlemen, this isn't a TV show.

This just happened.

This is a real unlicensed arching.

And does anyone recognize the primary antagonist?

He's not one of ours.

I don't recognize him.

Well, how about now?

You mean to tell me that extra-cool lizard guy

and HR Pufnstuf there are the same antagonist?

This is Brick Frog. EMA Level One.

Powers include holding a brick and shouting his name.

Pays his dues, keeps low.

Then last week, he suddenly quits with a note stating, "Later, losers."

Signed, "Brick Frog" with like, ten exclamation points.

All right, Brick Frog!

- Brick Frog! - That's it!

- [mumbles] Brick Frog! - Brick Frog!

Brick Frog... [chuckles] who is a jovial chap.

Okay, fine. So what?

Someone had a rich aunt die and went out on their own.

How does this warrant an emergency council meeting?

This isn't an isolated case.

In the past week, we've received several of these notices

Yes, Red Mantle.

I need answers to this age-old question. How many is "several"?

"A few" is not unlike "some,"

while "several" is more than "a couple,"

but less than "many."

Wait. How many is "many"?

This is a threat against our very foundation.

This body has guided organized villainy for a century,

and we must protect our collective from this clear commination.

Oh, great. What does "commination" mean?

Oh, my God!

"Commination" means "threat."

"Several" means "about four."

And I agree with Red Death.

Then you shall head up the subcommittee to investigate this alleged commination.

Oh, come now. You just learned that word when we did.

[air brake hissing]

[quirky ominous music playing]

[door creaks]

Hello?

Hello?

- Dr. Orpheus? - [man] No, no, no!

Anybody?

- [roars] - [screams]

Oh, my God! [whimpers]

Greetings, Dean Venture.

Mind not the golem.

He, uh... He came with the place.

It's made out of pants.

Modern golem. Would you believe?

Found him in the attic.

Then Al was all, "Hey, I know a little Hebrew."

Hey, I am a little Hebrew.

- Whoa! Easy, boy. - [growling]

Next thing you know, walking pants monster.

That's not gonna work.

Come, young Dean.

And pardon the mess. We are still moving in.

What's a sham?

Wow!

Looks like you're already finished.

Merely an illusion of the well-appointed study yet to be.

The chair is real, however.

[pulsating]

So, you have come to seek my aid in locating your brother?

Yes. How'd you know that?

Oh, you know, magic guy.

Oh, thank God.

I just knew you could help me.

Here. This belonged to Hank.

That... that is how this works, right?

You are confusing me with a bloodhound.

And quite unnecessarily so.

For I already know where Hank is.

You do?

Of course.

He's right here.

Oh, come on. What are you, ET?

Mistake not my words for mawkish Spielbergian sentiment.

You carry Hank within your heart.

Yet it is far heavier than his 160lbs.

What are you hiding?

What? Nothing.

A-ha!

This is news I can use.

No. Hey, that's personal!

Precisely. Your remorse is a direct conduit to your brother.

I shall ride this info-emotional superhighway

to his whereabouts!

Hmm. Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh. The horror.

[gasps]

[exclaims] I have seen him.

Hank? You saw him? Where?

The images were distorted, fleeting.

Past, present and yet-to-be all swirling together.

Yeah, yeah, okay, but where?

He is oscillating between worlds, betwixt selves.

I feel as though his soul may be in peril.

We must go to him at once.

Jefferson!

- We found the "off" button. - Super.

Jefferson, may we borrow your vehicle?

Nuh-uh. Nobody drives the Blood Vessel but me.

- Dr. Orpheus-- - I see.

- Dr. Orpheus! - Are you busy this evening?

Dr. Orpheus?

Where is Hank?

[Hank] Where am I?

Neither here nor there.

The real question is, who am I?

A week ago, I was just a happy-go-hanky kid

living the high life, with a girlfriend and everything.

And then a blizzard of betrayal blew through my world

and knocked me flat on my heinie.

Metaphorically.

[gasps]

I woke up with a sore head and a busted heart.

I just had to get out of there, but I had no life to go back to.

The old Hank was dead.

Something else was driving me now.

[upbeat music playing]

[in Batman voice] I knew they'd come looking for me.

And how could I find myself if someone else found me first?

I had to shed my skin, slough off all the old Hank.

And Old Hank stuff.

[in normal voice] T... take it all.

I don't care anymore.

[in Batman voice] I'm going off the grid.

[ship horn blowing]

Yeah. I'm taking a break from social media, myself.

Godspeed, Batman.

[in Batman voice] I hopped the first tramp steamer headed out of town.

I didn't know where it would take me.

Zanzibar? South China Sea?

Disko Island?

[in normal voice] That's a real place. Did you know that?

[man] Welcome aboard, everyone.

I'm Carter,

and for the next three hours, it's my absolute pleasure

to show you all the sights of New York City by water.

[Hank groans]

My life just seemed to keep going around in circles.

But it did give me time to think.

Why does this keep happening to me?

Why do I lose all the women in my life?

Why...

[in Batman voice] No. Don't think about her.

Stick to the mission.

[in normal voice] The train, then. Yeah, those go in a straight line.

I'll ride the rails, hobo-style.

Roughing it.

This was the way I'd truly find myself.

Stripped of everything, surviving on my wits alone.

See what I'm really made of.

[music continues]

And then I remembered, I'm, like, totally rich.

I mean, Bruce Wayne is rich.

The Shadow is rich.

James Bond is... Wait, is he rich?

I don't know. He gets to have nice things, anyway.

Whenever you're ready, sir,

Ah. I'll take care of that right now, my good man.

Anyway...

Pop always says, "if you lost something, look in the last place you had it."

Well, I lost myself,

so I'm headed to the last place I had me.

Before New York, before the penthouse, before...

[woman moaning]

[chokes] Why?

[in Italian accent] You should look up all of your other flames

while you're in town.

Ask them why they leave Hank.

Like John Cusack in the High Fidelity, eh?

[in Russian accent] Or like Zoë Kravitz in the High Fidelity.

You're asking the wrong questions, boy chick.

There's really only one dame who ever left you.

The dame.

[sniffles] Who... who do you mean?

[in batman voice] Don't confuse him. Stick to the mission.

Okay, okay.

Can I get my pen back?

[knock at door]

Next stop, Denver, Colorado.

[Henchman 21 ] Arch.

That's simple, almost elegant.

[The Monarch] Her name's not even on this thing.

Just the single-worst logo I've ever seen.

That's a QR code. You scan it with your phone.

Should we do it?

"Should we do it"!

What allegiance do we have to the Guild?

They made us a Level Ten,

then handed me some horseshit about Venture being related to me.

Yeah, I'm tired of their crap.

Yeah, but, dude! That was your ex.

Your wife is gonna flip out.

Relax. It's nothing.

I dated her right before I met my wife.

She dumped me.

Yeah, she dumped me because she was screwing that asshat Venture

while we were together.

Oh, my God, that's like origin myth stuff.

The truth has been revealed.

Dude! That's, like, reason number 100 I hate Venture.

That's not the reason I hate Venture.

You're making way too big a deal out of this.

Well, then if it's not a big deal, we should see what Arch is all about.

Not a big deal. Little deal.

Just scan it, or whatever.

[clicks]

Crap! It's loading tons of data.

It's downloading my data.

They'll get into my porn.

My spank bank is super specific.

It's very hard to explain.

- [low rumbling] - [shushing]

You hear a car or something?

[engine revving in distance]

[gasps] Minions! Battle stations! Ready the...

- Uh... Ready the... ready... - We have nothing to ready.

We don't really have battle stations anymore.

[engine approaching]

Gentlemen, nice to see you again so soon.

What can Arch do for you?

[Shoreleave] All right, everybody. Bag them up and tag them up, people.

Antagonists go in that pile. Scientists get the body bag.

We ran out of body bags, so we're using tarps.

Yep. if ol' Brock says it's tarps, then it's tarps.

Let's get them out of here.

And you should be wearing gloves. This is a crime scene.

Formal attire only.

[Brock] Sir. Unbidden counter agents on premises.

[speaks German]

[in English] I figured you'd show up to our little barbecue.

- It's not one of ours. - Yeah, well, we didn't see any anvils

or guys with pianos on their heads.

We figured this was a little too upscale for the Guild.

You, uh, know anything?

The antagonist is Brick Frog. He was a Guild Willy Loman,

punching the clock till just a couple days ago.

I don't know how he pulled this off.

Who's the protagonist?

Professor Viggo Dale.

He was working on a building material that's supposed to be indestructible.

Clearly, he didn't use it to build his lab, because... hole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that.

Evidence. We need to analyze this.

I'll save you some time. They're dead people.

Analyzed. Now put them down before I put you down.

Where's your money on that?

Oh. Brock. All the way.

I'll go 20 bucks on it.

Eh...

Can't call it.

So, you want to share intel on this?

Uh, sure, but we gotta keep it soft, off the wire.

- Too much-- - Red tape. Yeah, same here.

[Brock] Okay.

Now, why didn't you take him back to his haunted castle

and let us get back to work?

[body bag zipping]

Eh, could you take him?

What, Red Death? He's, like, 73.

Are you joking? He scares the crap out of me.

All right, fine. He's a little...

Just a little bit scary.

I'm pretty sure I could take him.

Red, what was all that about?

Ah, simply a distraction.

I found this phone on one of the henchmen.

The poor guy's hand was blown off.

No, of course not. I ripped it off his corpse.

In case he had a fingerprint lock on his phone.

[elevator dings]

Hibiscus tea with lemon and acai berry?

Oh! Uh...

Thank you, uh, hench...

You call them acolytes.

Thousands of them are at your disposal.

Just bring up the Arch app on your phone and enter an amount.

Voila! Instant army.

[chuckles softly] Watch this.

Acolyte, kill.

[The Monarch] Ah!

Oh, my God! What the fuck?

Acolyte, stop.

Go and give her a kick.

Just go ahead and kick her right in the throat meat.

Hard as you want.

What? No, I... I don't want to kick anyone in the throat meat.

Your loss.

Can I get a refresh?

- [all cheering] - One hundred thousand vanquished!

Great job, Tina. Let's get back to work. Our clients need us.

There are 100,000 rivalries in this city?

[giggles]

City? Arch is global.

Seven continents, seven seas and five oceans.

Arch is the largest and most effective antagonist-solution resource known.

By who? I've never even heard of Arch.

Because we're perfect.

Quiet, efficient, deadly.

We work behind the scenes for you.

You get all the glory, and we do all the dirty work.

Let me show you around.

So what do you need?

This isn't the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

This is Arch.

We're here to help you.

You need a grapple gun?

Voila! Grapple gun brought to you by focused-beam teleportation

exacted by thought-accessed inventory request.

In short, if you could think of it, we can get it for you.

It's an Arch exclusive.

Totally want that grapple gun!

So, what do you need?

Or did life already give you everything?

Never made a misstep or a bad choice? Perfect life?

Or do you want more?

You deserve everything, and I want to give it to you.

This is your moment to finally have it all.

What do you need, Malcolm?

Deborah.

Name it, Malcolm. What do you need?

Well, for starters, new costumes and two of those sliding poles,

like for firemen, you know? And Batmen.

All yours.

Just pull out your porn-stuffed phone and hit "Accept."

It'll load everything you need.

We've done all the intel.

We've done all the research.

We know what you want.

Even if you don't.

Give me your phone.

- [sighs] Don't go into the gallery. - I'm not gonna look at your porn.

Oh, you have no idea how much you don't want to see his porn.

Just scroll down to the bottom and hit "Accept."

[inhales]

- [dings] - Done.

[funk music playing]

[Jefferson] All right! Chicago!

Making good time.

If we get an early start tomorrow, we'll be there by midday.

Whoa, wait, we're gonna stop?

We can't stop. What about Hank?

Should've thought of that before you poached the booty.

Poached? Po--

Stealing your own brother's girlfriend, man, that's lowdown.

You told?

Don't you have a vow of secrecy or something?

I am not your Catholic priest.

Know what kind of people do that, take other folks' lives for their own?

Vampire people.

Oh, don't be so hard on the boy, Jefferson.

He's tormented enough.

All right. Sorry.

[groans] I'm just beat. I got a place we can crash nearby.

This does not look like a motel.

You want to work pro bono?

We can't afford one.

This was my old base of operations back in the day.

Uh, I like your new place better.

Jefferson Twilight!

[Dean gasps]

What are you doing here?

[laughs maliciously]

Clayton! Just passing through on our way to Colorado.

Got any room for some overnight guests?

We've still got your room.

Come on the heck up, fellas.

[laughs]

So, you two must be the rest of the famous Order of the Triad.

Only myself.

Our tertiary member is back at our New York headquarters.

- Ooh. - The boy here is our... client.

- [electricity crackling] - [Dean screams]

Hey, Seth. What's up?

Oh, hey, Jefferson. Long time.

Oh, shit.

Guys, we have roaches!

So, are you guys, like, Mr. Jefferson's old team?

No, no, no.

- We were never a team. - [Clayton chortles]

It's more of a shared live-work space deal.

We're all obsessive loners

who need the space and privacy of an abandoned factory.

[Jefferson] But like to keep expenses down.

And here you are, just like you left it.

Oh, thanks again, man.

Hey, you want to grab a nightcap before we turn in?

Nah. You know me, night's my busy time.

[laughs maliciously]

[groans, sighs]

Think you packed enough stuff?

One must be prepared for anything.

And my cloak gets all wrinkly if I wear it in the car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll take the couch. You two can share the bed.

We're leaving at first light.

[beads rustling]

Hey, you blocked my battle van in.

[grunts]

Gracias, señor.

Okay, Hank. Ready for this?

[The Bat] That's new.

Hmm. Didn't plan for this contingency.

If only I'd packed my grapple gun.

Damn it! We should turn back.

Eh... I got this one.

[creaking]

What the...

Wha... what happened to it all?

All those memories. My whole life.

It's just one big nothing hole?

All the answers are right in front of ya.

You just gotta look.

- Scamp! Here, boy. - Here, Scamp.

[grunts]

Break his balance.

You can't just pull a guy over, you have to roll him over your leg.

[all chanting] Mecha-Shiva, Mecha-Shiva.

You are an immortal.

- Like, the Highlander? - Yes.

Like the Highlander.

We are clones, Hank.

That is awesome.

[laughing maniacally]

Isn't that your make-believe girlfriend?

Oh, crap. Where?

Ma Venture didn't raise no fools.

What? We don't have a mom, Hank.

We don't have a mom, Hank.

[thunderclap]

We don't have a mom.

Mom... [echoing]

[whimpers]

[adult Hank] Are you talking about my mom?

[The Action Man] Yes. Damn it, Hank. You're missing my point!

What was my mom's name?

It's Bobbi St. Simone.

[gasps]

Bobbi?

- Bobbi St. Simone. - That's a dumb name.

She was an actress.

She was an actress.

Halt! In the name of the Office of Secret Intelligence.

Bobbi St. Simone.

She was an actress.

Hank? Dude, are you high?

- D... Dermott? - Dude, what are you doing here?

- I totally could have shot you. - With a Super Soaker?

It's not-- I haven't got my lethal firearms rating yet.

Freaking red tape and shit.

But it is filled with pee, and I am authorized--

Dermott! Listen, I need your help.

Fuck yeah.

We're getting the band back together.

[Dr. Venture] Ahem. Testing.

One, two. One, two, three.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press,

VenTech is proud to present

its revolutionary new product, the HelperPod.

The cutting edge of--

Are we still in love with that name?

- "HelperPod"? - [robotic warbling]

The name stays!

Ain't changing all these slides again.

Maybe we shorten it to, uh, "HelpPod"?

That's catchier, right?

Uh, nah. It sounds like HellPod.

Wasn't asking you, Hatred. Aren't you done down there yet?

It'd go a heck of a lot faster if I had a little help here.

Fellas?

Where do you two think you're going?

My mom made chicken piccata.

And if you want this thing ready by tomorrow morning,

which is impossible, by the way,

we're gonna need to fuel up for an all-nighter.

Well, hide that thing under your coat. There might be paparazzi outside.

And make your mother sign an NDA.

[crickets chirping]

[suspenseful music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

Ah...

What? What's the problem?

Dude, our suits have giant outie belly buttons.

Ew!

They're worse than the nipple suit in Batman Forever.

Ah, they catch the light when you gyrate. It's a horror show.

[gasps]

- Oh! - Yeah!

Whee!

Ha-ha!

Swimming.

Garçon.

What's on tonight's menu?

For the main course, our chef recommends stealing Dr. Venture's latest invention.

Mmm. That sounds tasty.

Oh, that comes with one battle tank garnished with a top-mounted laser

that shoots your logo,

and it's served with a side of five armed henchmen.

Hmm, how about ten?

I've worked up quite an appetite.

[chuckles] Excellent choice, sir.

Ten.

- Shall I put your order in? - Oh, absolutely.

I am famished.

[upbeat song playing]

Dude, for real?

Shh!

[Hank] That's her!

Whoa, she's hot. I'd do her.

Dude, that's my mom.

Pfft! Why? 'Cause Chewbacca told you in a dream?

He wasn't Chewbacca, he was Mark Hand, the catch man,

as played by the Action Man.

And it wasn't a dream.

It was coma town.

Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I know this chick.

- What? You do? - Yeah, yeah.

Hold on here. Yep.

Yeah. Fucking knew it.

Check it out.

Huh? This proves it.

They totally XO-ed each other.

Wait. Why do you have this?

[man] Hey, Fictel. Fictel!

Who the heck is that?

He's just a crazy old hippie

who's always trespassing on the compound.

You're the trespasser, you sticky-fingered little fascist!

[Hank] Hey, it's Old Man Potter.

He lives in that haunted house on the edge of the compound.

Hi, Mr. Potter!

Ben. My name's Ben, not Potter. How many times I gotta--

Dude, we're busy. What do you need?

Uh, Polyphase Venturillium converter.

Blue. Kind of looks like a car battery with a funnel on one end,

about yea big.

Fine. One sec.

[Dermott] Think fast, old man.

Damn it! How much?

I don't know, like, 200.

Two-hundred? Why, you greedy little...

Fine.

Put, uh... Put it on my tab.

Minus the beer.

Dermott, did you steal all this stuff from our compound?

Excuse me? I secured it for the OSI.

Don't want your dad's old tech falling into the wrong hands.

Sure.

Can we get back to my mommy quest?

Maybe one of these videos will tell me where she is now.

[woman] We all know animals make wonderful companions,

but far too many of them are being turned into sidekicks

and henchbeasts every day.

And they need your help.

Hello.

I'm Bobbi St. Simone.

[gasps]

- [snoring] - Hmm.

I saw him again. With that awful Fictel boy.

He's inching closer to his fate.

We must stop him.

We haven't a moment to lose.

[hissing]

[screams]

- Ah. - [Dean] Ow!

Give me a second. I think I pulled something.

You shouldn't have come back here, hunter.

Chi-town belongs to the Blood Brothers now.

[all laughing]

[grunts] Get in the Blood Vessel.

Yes, sir. [whimpering]

- Uh, you too. Go. - Nay! We shall fight them together.

Magic cloak, I thee invoke.

[laughs mockingly]

Your magic don't work on us, fool.

- Is that true? - 'Fraid so.

You might want to... [clicks tongue]

Off I go.

Ah!

[dramatic music playing]

[vampires snarling]

[chuckles]

No! Lock everything.

They'll turn to smoke

and they'll get into the air conditioner.

No, no!

Orpheus, clean that bug off my windshield.

Clean what?

Oh, yes.

Holy water.

Oh, no!

No, no, no!

[hissing]

[sniffing]

[snickers]

[gasps]

No, no, no!

No! [whimpers]

[vampires laughing]

The hunter's mine!

But first, we make him watch while we turn his friends

into that which he hates the most.

You can try, but I don't think they can pull off that new jack style.

[snarling]

Hey! No fair.

Did that sumbitch just bail on us?

[whooshing]

Unhand my friends, blood suckers!

Nah, you don't get to do that.

[growls]

What the hell is that?

What?

Wait, what the fuck is that shit?

Y'all are getting killed by this?

You really gonna let that thing kick your ass?

[growling]

Move, move, move.

You want to get bit? Let's go!

- You all are punks. - [Vampire boss] Move your damn ass.

Everybody's getting it. You getting fucked up too?

Oh, now you getting fucked up.

- Oh, wait a minute. - [engine revving]

- Now you're fucked up. - [screaming]

[all panting]

That was so close.

So nice of your old team to lend us a hand back there.

I told you we were never a team.

- [ominous music playing] - Wha...

It's the Police.

- Oh, my God, it's the Police! - It's not the Police.

Of course it's the Police.

So obviously the Police.

Toto! It's Toto. Everyone knows it's Toto.

Toto?

Toto did "Rosanna."

"Roxanne" is the Police.

Oh! Right.

Argh!

Yeah, you see where I got it all mixed up?

"Roxanne." "Rosanna."

I mean...

[sighs]

All right, let's just... siege.

You know, they're both really great songs.

I'm way off my game.

Hey, you really dug in there.

I don't know why I dig in like that.

- You really dig in. - I just dig in.

I... All right. Okay.

[exhales sharply] Shake it off.

[Henchman 21 ] Laser cannon ready.

Okay, okay, okay.

[sighs] No, no. Uh...

I really don't want to do the speech.

- Fire? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fire. Whatever.

Dude, come on.

Fine. For you.

Fire!

[glass cracking]

Uh, we can't fit through that.

Oh, great siege.

This is great.

Don't blame me.

It's a really delicate logo.

Oh! Okay, it's my fault we can't fit through our logo.

[alarm beeping]

- There is a breach in Sector A. - Huh? What?

Oh, come on!

[screams]

Penthouse emergency mode! Come on...

Argh!

I got to take the doggone stairs.

Seriously?

It's the middle of the night.

My husband snuck out. Now I gotta...

What? Why y'all looking at me weird?

Welcome to Arch headquarters.

Or what's left of it, at least.

We de-encrypted the data from the phone we took off that agent.

It led us right here.

I'm sorry, madam.

For what?

Come on. What's going on?

- This is weird. - I'll say it.

We've got tons of evidence here that closes this case.

And it all leads to you.

Wha... What are you talking about?

You're not serious, right?

Oh, we're dead serious.

[beeps]

That's you.

This is a hard one to get out of.

And this video is just one tube of lube in an orgy of evidence.

The Guild and the OSI both have enough on you to hang you

for treason.

This is a setup. You can't possibly think I did this.

Be fucking reasonable.

It's all right here.

The evidence speaks for itself. It's too bad that we can't find you.

You're just too clever.

You slipped away, but we will hunt you down.

I'm sorry, Sheila, but you're gonna have to run away.

What?

Run!

[panting]

[neighing]

Ah! Oh.

[suspenseful music playing]

Dude, our ride just left with our troops.

Oh, come on now.

You know, we should just say to hell with this crap.

Arch fucking sucks.

We got played.

- [alarm blaring] - Nobody...

Nobody move.

So many stairs.

Oh, suck on this, fatty. Feel the sting of the...

Oh. Uh...

[both screaming]

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, hey.

Time out.

I think it's an AMBER alert or Silver alert.

Is no one else getting this?

[invalid tone plays]

What is that?

What is this now?

[upbeat music playing]

[muffled music continues]

[rumbling]

Uh, three o'clock, flock of seagulls.

Isn't that your house?

Holy fuck!

Pilot! Follow that... skyscraper.

[cell phone ringing]

Doc, are you okay? What the hell is going on over there?

I'm fine. Hatred pulled the alarm or something.

You know how paranoid he can get.

Paranoid? Do you not... What the...

Have you looked out a window?

No, Silly Billy. I'm in the panic room. There aren't any--

Go look out the fucking window!

Fine.

Second night in a row I'm getting no sleep because of you people.

Okay, what am I supposed to be looking at?

A double rainbow or something?

All I see is...

Oh.

[gasps]

Ooh.

[music continues playing]

[Billy Quizboy] Hey, Helper!

Helper! Stop the music!

- Hey, Helper! - Helper!

Stop the music.

Oh!

It's not working. Hit the power button.

- What a racket! - You can't hit the power button.

Don't just whack it.

You gotta hold it down for three seconds.

[gunshot]

Party's over, laddies.

It's not a party. We're working.

And that's why we don't bring our super science work home with us.

Ma, don't clean. White'll do it.

Just a quick tidying.

No, Ma, please.

[cell phone ringing]

Doc, I was just about to call you.

We absolutely cannot launch tomorrow.

Oh, we're way past launch.

[horse] I apologize for that kerfuffle back there.

We know you're innocent, so we gave you a chance to prove it.

And you're a talking horse. Great!

No, it's me, Red Death.

But I'm a horse, too.

Daisy is connected to me by a neurotransmitter.

We are one.

Yeah, I understand. Wait.

You named a flaming hell horse, "Daisy"?

No, my daughter Lila named me. I wanted to call me "Lady Disaster."

But in retrospect, it's more of a name for a band.

Well, Daisy, where are we going?

I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?

I need some good news.

A rental agreement found at the remains of Arch

led to a woman called Mantilla.

I'm riding you to her apartment now.

Is it riding, or am I flying you there?

- Carrying, maybe? - "Riding" is fine.

What's the bad news?

Your husband's joined Arch,

and he appears to be flying a building to the moon.

What?

And there's an OSI Interceptor, about to shoot us down.

Hang on!

[snoring]

- [vehicle approaching] - [tires screech]

Dermott Fictel, we need your help.

No, you need to learn to use the frigging door, dude.

Get out of my room.

Time is of the essence.

Where is Hank Venture?

- I ain't seen him. - Liar. Pants aflame!

His psychic residue permeates the air about you.

I sense it still.

Yeah, I dropped a big deuce before you got here.

You're probably smelling that.

Foul boy. Master Venture is in grave danger.

Tell us where he is, Dermott.

[scoffs] What is this? "The good cop-Unabomber" routine?

- Well, I ain't no snitch. - Where is he?

Whoa!

All right, fine. He went to look for your mom.

Bullpucky! We don't have a mom!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

We googled her. She's down the road at some shitty zoo.

[panting]

Dean.

[hisses]

[gasps]

[whimpers]

It's starting. I can feel it. I'm turning.

The change...

Oh, God. [groans]

Geez. What's eating him?

What shitty zoo?

[engine pulsing]

[in Batman voice] This is crazy.

Your whole life you've wondered about her,

and she's been right here the whole time?

[in normal voice] Hmm, this was the place in the video.

Yeah, but how do you know it's her joint?

She was an actress,

could've been jobbing on a commercial gig.

She's here.

I can just feel it.

Huh.

Looks like it's closed.

[in Italian accent] That's never stopped you before.

Love can open all the doors.

Go meet your mama.

You sure you wanna do that?

This woman abandoned you.

What do you know?

Batman's mom's dead.

[scoffs] Some mystery.

I always thought the missing mom would turn out to be

the queen of Atlantis or some other swill.

I had my money on "She was a threat in the quantum realm."

I thought she is prostitute.

- [thuds] - [grunts]

[suspenseful music playing]

[leaves rustling]

Hmm?

Mom?

[growls]

[screams]

- [roars] - [whimpers]

[woman] Buddy, no. Go play with your drums.

[gorilla snorts]

Huh. if it isn't Hank Venture.

You're younger than I expected.

- You... you were expecting me? - [chuckles softly]

I've come to. ls your brother with you?

We had a falling out.

Aww, that's a shame.

Family is... [sighs] It's everything, really.

Is that supposed to be a fucking joke?

Language, Hank.

Language, shmanguage!

Where have you been all my life?

Hmm. Right.

[sighs] Guess you're gonna want to hear the whole sordid story, huh?

[dance music playing]

[Billy Quizboy] All right, Doc. We figured out what's going on.

The magnets in the pod speakers

are made of cutting-edge superconductors,

and thanks to our software glitch...

- [White] Not my fault. - It's your fault.

When the volume goes up, so do they, by generating a powerful magnetic field.

It's actually kind of amazing.

We accidentally built a miniature anti-gravity engine.

Go, Team Venture.

So, can White fix the glitch?

Not a problem.

If I could get into the software, that is.

But somebody locked me out of the system, so... problem.

So what do I do? Cut the power?

That's the last thing you wanna do.

VenTech would plummet like a bag of hot rocks.

Or, you know, a 500,000-ton skyscraper.

Exactly why I'm getting the hell out of here.

If Hatred would get his fat ass up to the hangar already.

[panting]

I hate stairs.

Doc, from that height, if VenTech crashes down,

it'll take out half of Manhattan.

Well, I definitely don't want to be in it when that happens.

No, you can't let that happen.

You just can't bail.

You have to fix this. You have a responsibility.

We all do. This is our fault.

I didn't even want to make these goddamn things.

You people talked me into this "lifestyle products" crap.

I was happier as a middling super-scientist

in the middle of nowhere.

You done feeling sorry for yourself?

[sighs]

Yeah. What do we do?

Your only hope is to shut the HelperPods down manually,

one by one, until you start to level off.

Then gradually turn more off to control your descent.

Okay, and how do I do that?

Uh...

We found shooting them to be pretty effective.

Yeah, but the thing is, with all that electromagnetic energy--

- Doc? Doc. - [static]

Billy? Hello, Billy?

I lost you.

Hello?

[groans] Uh...

You get all that, Hatred?

[gasping]

Turn around and head back downstairs.

I'll meet you by the mezzanine elevator.

[Hatred panting]

[knocking]

- Help us! Get us out of here! - Hey! Help us! Help us!

Please take us with you!

[Brock] You're gonna shoot them down?

You can't do that.

If it's between them and millions of citizens

nestled snugly in their beds, I can and will.

The second they tumble into Uncle Sam's air space.

[Brock] Just give me a chance.

Put me in a shuttle. Get me up there.

No dice, Samson.

This is one cluster you can't unfuck with a Bowie knife.

Arch ain't playing by the rules.

We're in uncharted territory here.

Uh, not entirely true, sir.

September 1962.

Fantastic Four, #6.

Dr. Doom lifted the Baxter Building into space

with a device called the Grabber.

Really?

And how the hell did Reed in the FF get out of that sticky wicket?

They had help, sir.

From Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner.

[scoffs] Last I checked, Dr. Venture doesn't have one of those. Does he?

No, he's only one of the foremost super-scientists on the planet

with a seasoned super-soldier at his side

who used to be one of ours.

That's a team you can bet on.

[laughter]

Oh, you guys suck. Fine.

If you don't trust them to fix this,

then trust the agent we have working the Arch angle.

If Arch is pulling the strings here, she'll cut them.

All right, I'm gonna look around.

Watch your head.

Oh.

It looks like an episode of Intervention in here.

Or an episode of CSI.

Man, someone is obsessed with your husband. [chuckles]

Oh, my God. How do you even get these? That's a picture of us eating dinner.

There's one of you both asleep in your bed.

It's like she was always there.

[woman] I was.

I was there for all of it.

It should have been me.

You dropped your gun when you landed on me.

Aww. Nice job, you two.

Now, the knife you keep in your boot, please.

I know you. You're that girl my husband used to date.

Debbie, right? You're Debbie.

[scoffs] Trying to erase me and steal my husband?

Okay, first of all, it's Deborah, not Debbie.

And second of all, you got it all wrong.

The crime scene cliché here tells a different story.

Yeah, it started as a kind of a checklist.

And then I had all these pictures, and I got some, um, yarn.

You never set out to make an "I'm crazy" wall

but, you know, they happen.

It's an organic thing.

You insinuated yourself into the sanctity of matrimony.

I took some pictures, go cry about it.

- Who is the talking horse? - Daisy.

Well, Daisy, why don't you sit down and shut up?

Because this has nothing to do with you.

And I'm not obsessed with The Monarch.

Seriously? Right now that evil genius and his "brilliant" archenemy

are flying haplessly into space in overpriced real estate.

No offense to morons, but... [chortles] your husband is their king.

I don't even know what you see in him.

[Daisy] Of course.

It's you.

She's obsessed with you.

Daisy, seriously, shut your mouth.

I have no problem shooting a robot horse.

[clicks]

[Bobbi] The year was 19-I'd-rather-not-say.

And I was shooting Follow That Bikini on the Isotope lot.

Your grandfather was consulting on some hush-hush project

on the next sound stage,

and I guess our little movie piqued his curiosity.

He told me he knew a much more convincing way

to make me look invisible,

and invited me back to his compound to show me.

[electricity crackling]

Well, it sure was convincing.

And so was Jonas.

I ended up staying the night, which is how I met your father.

And that's when you two fell in love and had me and Dean?

No, cuckoo pants. He was just a little kid at the time.

Adorable little Rusty. Such a sweetie.

Little bit sad, too.

I think he asked if I was his mommy.

Anyway, Follow That Bikini was a certified bomb.

Talk about a fading star.

I couldn't even make it through an audition without fading.

I begged Jonas to fix me.

But instead he and his OSI cronies offered me a job.

And just like that, I went from an actress to a spy.

Cool.

It ain't like it is in the movies, kid.

They threw me to the wolves.

But I guess they knew their wolves,

because it wasn't long before I caught the eye of the alpha.

Force Majeure.

Number one on the OSI's Most Wanted list.

Sovereign of the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

And Jonas Venture's archenemy.

Gaining his trust was easy-peasy.

My special talent made me a natural for super-crime,

and truth is, I was attracted to the Guild lifestyle.

And to him. Meow.

It didn't matter how many dumb names I crossed off their most wanted list,

the OSI only wanted Force Majeure.

But how could I betray the man I'd fallen in love with?

The father of my child.

Whoa.

Force Majeure is my real father?

No, Hank. I was talking about my daughter.

I have a sister? Does my dad know?

Oh. Your father comes later.

After Force Majeure was usurped,

I knew I was next on the new Sovereign's hit list,

so I grabbed little Debbie and got the heck out of Dodge.

After a decade on the run,

I just wanted to live a normal life again.

Jonas was dead by then,

so I found your father and asked for his help.

And?

And he helped me. That's it.

That's it?

Nothing else happened between your father and me, Hank.

I'm not your mother.

And I've already told you all of this.

Wha... what do you mean?

This ain't the first time you've come looking for me, kid.

Heck, it isn't even the second.

Who is...

[groans]

[wind blowing]

[gasps]

Oh, shi--

Hank. Hank! Buddy, fetch the smelling salts.

[growls softly]

No need, Buddy.

I shall take it from here.

[The Monarch] I can't believe we stayed for your over-the-hill rent-a-cop.

Why didn't we just leave him and get the hell out of here?

We didn't stay for Hatred.

We stayed because if we leave,

the building will kill a bunch of people.

- [snickers] So? - Dude.

And that's why I'm always the hero and you're always the villain.

Oh, don't flatter yourself, slick.

And don't think this is some buddy-buddy comic book team-up crap.

- I still hate you. - Yeah, well, I hate you, too.

But I don't walk around obsessing about it all day.

It's not why I put on my speed-suit every morning.

[inhales]

- Why'd you fuck Debbie? - Debbie? Debbie who?

Debbie St. Simone!

She was my girlfriend.

Debbie? From-20-years-ago Debbie?

We never vodeo-dodo-ed.

I did some work for her. And her mother.

[inhales]

Fine.

Hey, uh, you heard this crap about how we might be related?

- [scoffs] Ridiculous. - Ridiculous, right?

Yeah, that's what I said.

I mean, maybe you go back, like, 20 generations or something.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, they say, like, half the world can trace their roots to Genghis Khan.

- Exactly. - Exactly.

Then again my dad did get around,

and he did know your mom. So...

Say it again. Say that about my mother one more time,

I will kick you in your fucking throat meat!

What the hell?

The elevators work!

What? Of course. You just override the...

- Uh, don't... Never mind. Get in. - Ah, geez.

[robotic warbling]

You've been waiting all day for this, haven't you?

Okay, it's gonna be loud in there, and probably a little disorienting.

So get in and get out.

Start at the corners, pick off a few pods,

then regroup in here to reload.

- We'll work in waves. - What? -What?

Just follow my lead.

[electrical buzzing]

[yells]

- [gasps] - [screams]

[high-pitched robotic scream]

[screaming]

[groans] No. Ahhh!

[screaming]

[grunting]

[Dr. Venture] Abort. Abort the mission!

[Hatred] Grab him. Grab...

Come on, now.

[straining]

[screams]

[panting]

- Come on. - Get far away.

[whimpering]

You'll never take me alive, Bat-fool.

- Hyah! - Ow!

- [laughs] - No fair.

Oh, it's all in the eye slits now.

- [man chuckling] - No, no, no, no.

Clients like petite girl.

You make good money you do this.

I only keep 50%.

- Think about it. - Hmm.

Call me daffy,

but I'd bet dollars to doughnuts we're not in Colorado anymore.

[voice] Hank?

Hank!

Hank!

Master Venture, are you here?

Dr. Orpheus?

What are you doing here? Are you in a coma too?

No, young Hank.

We have come to rescue you.

Why are you dressed as Borat?

I know not. But I deduce your comatose delusions

are somehow drawn from half-remembered cinema.

[Jefferson] You're Zed, man.

From Zardoz, the sci-fi classic.

Hmm. Be that as it may,

you must come back with us, young Hank.

Back? To what?

There's nothing there for me.

I don't have a girlfriend anymore.

My mommy isn't even my mommy.

My own brother stabbed me in the back.

Who do you think brought me here,

some 1,700 miles through dark of night and threat of desanguination

just to find you?

- It was Dean. - [Jefferson] I drove.

Jefferson drove.

But your brother's love for you and his deep and earnest remorse

were our compass.

He's waiting out there to make amends.

Your whole life is waiting!

So, am I calling an ambulance, or...

No, no, they can fix him.

Mr. Jefferson's kind of a conduit between realms,

so he's taking Dr. Orpheus into Hank's coma world.

So that one's a doctor.

Okay.

I'm, uh...

I'm not your mother, by the way.

Oh, I know.

Oh. So you remember me, then?

- Uh, have we met? - [groans]

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch] So you ruined my life.

You launched my husband into space,

and then suddenly you and I are listening to Dolly Parton,

kicking it as Sheila and the invisible Debbie?

You chose a ridiculous 20-year revenge plan

over asking me to team up?

When? Seriously, Sheila, when?

You went from Truckules to Phantom Limb, right to The Monarch.

Always a number two for some incompetent man.

I'm saving you from that system. Me.

You're welcome.

Screw you, Debbie.

I'm not gonna thank you and join Arch.

Arch? There is no Arch.

But there could be.

Do you know how easy it was to poach from the Guild?

We could have their entire roster if we just gave them

a better insurance package and donuts every Friday.

They're hungry for more than just donuts.

They want efficiency donuts, effective leadership donuts.

- Sixteen Candles! - Horse! What?

- What now? - You sitting on that table.

I was trying to remember what it reminded me of.

It's the end of Sixteen Candles.

It was killing me.

Thanks. Very helpful.

Debbie, wake up. This is nuts.

Let's go back to the Guild and fix it. It's not too late.

There should be a cake.

You're Guild persona non grata.

There's no going back to that mess.

The Council of 13 is now, what, seven old men?

There's no Sovereign. You have no choice but to start again.

You and me.

No. I've always had a choice.

You've followed me for years, and you know my life isn't perfect.

But I don't need to be saved from it.

Yes, the Guild is a mess, and we're trying to make it better.

But I'm not a victim. I chose my life.

I never chose my life. My mother chose my life.

Do you know why I broke up with The Monarch?

He told me it was because you slept with Dr. Venture.

Gross! No!

Ew! I never slept with...

Gah! Ew!

Gah! That was business.

Rusty just took away my mom's invisibility and gave it to me,

and I gave him my...

stuff I wasn't planning on using.

I can't believe he told you I slept with Rusty.

Well, then why did you break up with him?

Please. My mom took one look at his costume and was like,

"No way. You're not dating a supervillain.

We gave all that up."

Your mom was an antagonist? Who?

Honey, my mom was the antagonist, Madam Majeure.

I'm the daughter of Force Majeure, the last true sovereign of the Guild.

And my mom has me shoveling monkey shit?

I'm Deborah fucking Majeure!

You are the rightful heir to the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

My liege, I am at your service.

Rise, humble servant.

You shall be my steed and be at my side as I take my birthright.

Shut that noise up!

That's not how this ends.

Done with your plan, Debbie. Here's my plan. Non-negotiable.

I'll save your ass from the Guild and OSI,

and make you a supervillain.

Simply bring down that flying building my husband's in and untie us.

Now!

Don't fucking listen to that horse.

Seriously. I need to shut my mouth.

Mmm-hmm. I knew that wasn't gonna fly.

Yeah, deal. I'll bring it down.

I'm not nuts, you know, despite the... [makes silly sound]

[chuckles]

I just wanted...

Ahem, or I thought maybe we could have...

Argh! I want to blame my mom here, but I gotta--

God! Whatever. Bring the building down.

Oh, shit! Yeah. Sorry. Just got to turn off the...

- [dings] - Done.

[panting]

That was...

That was so much long.

New... Need new plan.

[all panting]

I feel like all my organs are inside out.

I think mine came out my ass.

Wait, wait. Shh, shh. The music stopped.

Thank fucking God.

Uh, no, that's a bad thing.

That's very bad...

[yelling] Oh, shit. I'm weightless.

Well, duh! We're in space, right?

No, we're in free fall. We're falling.

Oh, my God. The building is falling.

[panicked screaming]

Wait, wait, wait. Think.

We've still got your plane.

Can we get back to the hangar from here?

I don't know.

I don't even know what part of the building this is.

Well, we know the hangar is up, right?

So let's go up.

[panting]

Hey, how long have we got?

Uh... Let's see. Felix Baumgartner took just over four minutes.

But he started in the stratosphere, and the air is thinner in the mesosphere

and the thermosphere, so terminal velocity...

[Hatred] Ball park it, egghead!

[mumbles] Less than five minutes.

- [bangs] - [Dr. Venture] Ow!

Can't see a goddamn thing. Doesn't anybody have a light?

[The Monarch] I think my costume had headlight goggles,

but your angry robot DJs ate it.

[Hatred] Hang on. I think I got some matches.

You know, for my stogies and bathroom odors.

[all screaming]

[Hatred] What the fuck was that?

[Dr. Venture] Our way out.

I mean, I guess I could give it another try out there.

Yeah, but I don't think they're gonna want to go back.

Look at them.

[laughter]

Then leave them.

They are the stuff of fantasy

conjured by a hurt and frightened boy who's outgrown his need for them.

They belong in this place.

But they're... me.

No more than the Hank whose diapers your father once changed,

or the Hank who lost his first tooth,

or scanned the December sky for Santa's sleigh.

You will carry them inside you always.

But their time has passed.

[laughs] Aww, he's really cute.

Aww. He likes you.

You know, if you ever want to come visit, uh, to see the animals,

you're welcome anytime.

Your brother, too.

Well, thanks, that sounds nice,

but we don't really live around here anymore.

You see, we moved to the...

[energy pulsing]

Bye, Hank Venture!

- [The Bat] Goodbye. - Arrivederci!

[yelling]

Dean?

[all] Dean?

Here's what's coming to you.

Hanks! [whimpering]

Guys, quit it. Stop!

Forgive him. We forgive him!

Jefferson. S'il vous plait!

Hmm?

[gasps]

Oh.

- [Dean] Oh, thank God. - Sorry, Deano.

I guess I had a little residual anger there, huh?

No, I kind of deserved that.

Hey, thanks for coming to rescue me.

Oh, did Pop come too?

Well, he...

You know, he had a thing.

Brock? You guys bring Brock?

- [siren blaring in distance] - [Gorilla grunts questioningly]

Wha... what is it?

Is it a missile?

It's...

- It's coming down. - [rapid beeping]

We have target lock. Awaiting your order, General.

Sorry, Samson.

Artillery, on my mark.

[tense music playing]

Uh, something's happening to it.

[powering up]

[dramatic music playing]

Ventronic Red is go.

Ventronic Gold is go.

Ventronic Blue is go.

Nuh-uh. Not saying that shit.

I remember that fucking thing.

[Dr. Venture] Sergeant Gold, get us down there.

Henchman Blue, get ready to grab that building.

Uh...

Easy, Godzilla. That's my house.

Sorry, sorry.

I've never driven a giant arm before.

[metal crunching]

- Hatred, back it up. - Yeah.

[all] Ahhh!

[Henchman 21 straining] I don't know if I can hold it!

Monarch, help me out here.

Help how? I'm a fucking clown.

[Hatred] Yeah, you can say that again.

"You can say that again." Fuck you!

- Do these things even do anything? - [squeaks]

[screaming]

Uh, General, are we firing, or...

Belay that order.

By golly, they have a fighting chance.

Artillery, switch to harpoon cannon.

Snoopy, find somewhere safe to put her down.

We're going in!

[dramatic music continues]

[all straining]

Argh!

[warning tone beeping]

[Ventronic powers down]

[cheering and applause]

Whoo! Yeah!

[Dean] Whoa!

- Is this real life? - Are we moving back?

[tires screech]

Ahhh! [groans]

We... [coughs]

We did it.

[sighs]

[crashing]

[ringing]

Monarch? Monarch. Dude, are you awake?

Oh, my God, he's really hurt.

Medic! We need a medic here! Medic!

No, I'm not that kind of doctor, but...

Jesus, look at that!

My dad clearly wants him dead.

Whoa!

Boys, what are you doing here?

Where should we be?

If we were home right now, home wouldn't be.

What are y'all standing around for?

We gotta get this thing off him.

Everybody, on three.

One, two, three.

[all straining]

[mumbles]

Whoa! That's a lot of blood.

[gasps] Blood.

No, no, no.

I've seen a lot of battlefield injuries.

That is a ruptured liver right there.

Sergeant, I could enter the interdimensional ether

and procure a liver from one of Mr. Monarch's other dimensional selves.

Returning with the organ before this event has transpired.

Please don't kill me.

- What? Now, why would I-- - I got bit back in Chicago.

I can feel the change coming.

I don't wanna be a vampire. [cries]

Or you got nicked by my necklace when I tackled your ass, is all.

Eh... Huh?

Always got to make it about you.

All I can smell is blood.

I have a liver! I have a liver!

What the hell is that? That's disgusting.

It has inverted.

The time shift part inverts matter. My bad.

Oh, my God, you guys, he's totally dying.

- What do we do? - [horn honking]

I can fix him.

[keyboard clacking]

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch] Uh, there. You're vanquished.

And I guess I'm a hero for saving the Guild.

These records will be intercepted by OSI. Case closed.

[Debbie] And I'm set up with a sweet villain gig.

I already have costume ideas.

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch] The Peril Partnership will be expecting you.

Daisy'll fly you to the Toronto headquarters.

It's time you lived up to your pedigree.

[Debbie laughs] You make me sound like a Poodle.

Or a Petit Basset Griffon Vendéen.

Stupidest dog name.

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch] Don't drink that. Watch and Ward pee in bottles.

- That's probably pee. - [Debbie] Ugh.

When guys get comfortable somewhere, they always start peeing in bottles.

What's wrong with them?

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch] Ugh. Who the hell knows?

Hey, how long does your, uh, invisible blood last?

[Debbie] Oh, like, another day or so.

Why? [gasps] Do you wanna go do invisible stuff and freak people out?

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch] No, I gotta go get my husband.

- [beeping] - Sorry, just a sec.

These are Venture's DNA results from the mug.

Oh, my God.

[gasps] The Phantom of the Guild.

The legends are true.

[Dr. Venture] My dad...

What a dick.

[sighs]

I mean, our dad.

[chuckles] Crazy, right?

Yeah. [smacks lips]

It figures.

I swear we should have expected this.

Yeah, I... wasn't expecting this.

I had done this before when I was younger,

but it was quite messy this time.

- Um, I couldn't have my gloves-- - [Ben] All stitched up.

They'll be fine. They're just finishing up the blood transfusion.

I was so worried.

I'm so glad he had his brother's blood.

Brother's blood? That's what you guys think? Brothers?

- They are not brothers? - They are not brothers.

They're the same guy.

Or clones of the same guy, at least.

Other than a pinch of baboon DNA we spliced into R22

to counteract the premature balding, they're identical.

They're both Rusty clones.

Monarch has baboon in him. Cool!

2%.

I told Jonas, "Don't put that monkey junk in there.

It'll make him more aggressive."

But did he listen? No.

Pawned R22 off on that Morpho couple.

Couldn't have kids of their own, poor bastards.

Felt sorry for them.

[Dr. Venture] Uh, where are the boys?

I gotta blow their little minds...

again.

[ECG beeping]

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch] How's my king butterfly?

- Sweetie, where are you? - I'm, uh, invisible.

Your ex-girlfriend, yeah, she gave me some of her blood.

It should wear off soon.

Eh...

I'm so sorry about all that.

Every stupid idea I have, I just dig in.

You dig in. I know who you are, baby.

So you know I'm Dr. Venture.

Plus baboon.

A fucking baboon.

You are The Monarch.

That Dr. Venture makes my skin crawl,

and you make me feel like the luckiest person alive.

You're not the same.

Ah.

So what now?

Spent my entire life arching me.

- I'm pathetic. - Honey, you're a Greek myth.

You're pitted in the eternal battle against the worst aspects of yourself.

The Guild, it can't touch a rivalry like that.

He's all yours. if you want.

Or...

[sighs] maybe I should just give this all up.

It's your choice.

I'll stand by you either way. Tell me what to do.

Hey, kid, I want to give you something.

Your grandpap gave me this before your dad was born.

Is it more dumb news?

You gonna tell me who my mom isn't?

Nah. Just a watch.

GMT-Master. Venture-blue dial.

- Tells the time in two time zones. - It's heavy.

Yeah, that fourth hand there? Little date window?

Those are called complications.

Complications make a watch special.

More complications, the more valuable.

Read the engraving Jonas put on the back there.

"Elige tua."

[Ben] Yeah, close enough.

It's Latin for "Choose your family."

Blood doesn't make a family, love does.

Your grandpap knew that.

[exhales]

Choose your family.

And remember, the complications make it special.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, so who is our mom?

Seriously, Dean, haven't we had enough family history for one day?

I don't even know who my mom is.

All you need to know is that the person who gave birth to you loves you.

I promise they do.

I love you, Pop.

Watch the arm, son.

Oh, come on. Who did that?

Like, who's there?

Feel the sting of the mighty Monarch!

Yes, we are back!

Mark my words, I will get you, Dr. Venture!

You can't hide from the villainous wrath of your better self.

[groans]

I am radiant and vitalized by the blood of a ferocious baboon!

[groans]

Now somebody call me an Uber.

[sighs]

I knew this was coming.

Brock? Aren't you gonna get him?

Yeah, I've had enough for tonight. I'm gonna just get him an Uber.

Pooned!

[Helper harmonizing]

[beeping]

Well, it looks like they're about done, Helper.

[toots]

Are you ready to meet the Venture Brothers?