All language subtitles for The Good Place S02E01_en

[Eleanor] Last season on The Good Place...

[Michael] In the afterlife, there's
a Good Place and there's a Bad Place.

-You're in the Good Place.
-[sighs]

Eleanor, you are my soulmate.

Chidi, you'll stand by my side,
no matter what, right?

Of course I will.

-I'm not supposed to be here.
-Wait, what?

Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet
Tahani and Jianyu.

-Oh! You booped me.
-I did!

His real name is Jason.
He's a drug-dealing DJ from Florida.

What's up, homie?

The problem in the neighborhood is me.

You have all done bad things
since you arrived here.

The Bad Place is owed two people.
You can decide.

Holy motherforking shirt balls.

This is the Bad Place.

[laughs]

Except for you four, everyone
in this neighborhood is one of us.

You saw us all on Earth:
a selfish ass, an idiot DJ,

a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud.

You thought we would torture each other.

The only thing you succeeded in doing
was bringing us all together.

That's it. My big mistake

was having you be soulmates
living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out
so it's more of a slow burn.

I'm going to erase your memories,
make a few changes and start over again.

Got to get the boss man to sign off.

If this thing goes sideways again,
you are done.

[Eleanor] Do your worst. We figured
it out once. We can do it again.

Janet, open up.

Because you know what, Michael? Ya basic--

-You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.
-Cool.

I'm your soulmate.

You'll stand by me no matter what, right?

Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out?

I gotta stay jacked. It's who I am.

See you soon.

-Hi, there.
-[gasps]

I'm Janet. I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.

What the fork is a "Chidi"?
Why can't I say "fork"?

Okay, here we go.

Confidence, Mikey. Project confidence.

There he is. How's it goin', boss man?

Enough chitchat.
Is everything in place for version two?

Yep! We're keeping everything
from version one that made them miserable,

adding a bunch of new stuff
that they'll hate.

For example, all the coffee is
from those little pods.

[laughs] Diabolical.

Plus, they will all have new soulmates,
of course.

You gotta trust me on this, boss.
I've thought of everything.

-I won't let you down.
-I think you will.

I think this entire project of yours
is stupid and doomed to fail.

I think you're going to be retired,
eliminated from existence,

and burned on the surface
of a billion suns.

And I have no doubt that you
and your cockamamie experiment

will go down in history
as colossal failures.

-You know, I think if you--
-Toodle-oo.

[Michael] Okay. Take two, folks.

Any last questions
before we start up again? Yes.

Just so I'm clear,
we're not pairing them up this time?

Correct. Obviously, the eventual goal is
to get them to torture each other.

But, first, we're gonna create
some nice, individual torment.

In version one, making them soulmates,

we probably bit off
more than we could chew.

We could bite them? I didn't know
we were allowed to bite them.

That's an expression, Chuck.

Go ahead, Vicky.

I have some questions
about my new character.

I feel like I got "real" Eleanor.
Like, I got her, you know?

But this new character, Denise.
I mean, who is she? I don't get her.

Is she a quirky best friend type,

or more of a "femme fatale,
sexuality is her weapon of choice" type?

Both those things.

I have some questions
about my character, too.

Like... can he bite them?

No. Okay, reminder,
the most important thing tonight,

and this is crucial,

you need to get Eleanor drunk
at the welcome party

so she will say and do
a bunch of bad stuff.

Then, we take that stuff

and use it to build
our chaos sequence in the morning.

For example, you remember last time,
she stole all the cocktail shrimp,

and we made giant nightmare shrimp
fly through the sky?

[all laugh]

See, it's those details
that make her realize

she's in danger of being found out.

Okay, all right, I know
that this kind of large-scale deception

is not what you were trained to do.

There are gonna be days
when you are just sick

of being around these disgusting humans,
with their weird, gross little mouths

and their stupid elbows.

You're gonna be tempted to say,
"Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ,

and do this the old-fashioned way?

Pull out some fingernails,

toss someone in an acid pit,
fire up the old penis flattener?"

And sure, that sounds nice,
but it also sounds easy.

We're all here because we believe
that there's a better way

to make humans miserable.
And I... I believe in you.

So, torture on three. Ready?
One, two, three...

[all] Torture!

And biting!

Nope! No.

[theme music playing]

Hey, lady? Can you come back?

Joey?

Janine?

[stammers] Jaja?

Why don't I ever listen to people
when they talk about themselves?

No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to.

Okay, Chidi, where are you?
Or what are you?

A type of soup, maybe?

[indistinct conversation]

Hi, there. I'm Eleanor.

Nice to meet you, Eleanor.
I'm Nina, this is my soulmate, Bart.

Love it! Love people's names,
and love learning all about them.

Where are you all from?

Well, oddly enough,
I was born in Mozambique--

Cool. Listen, do you guys know if
there's a neighborhood phone book

with everybody's name listed in it?

Oh, I don't think so,
'cause there's no phones here.

There are no phones here?

-Of course. Duh!
-[both chuckle]

There's no use for 'em.

I always prefer talking to people, anyway.

People are like nature's apps.

Hmm. Anyway,

we're on our way to get some pizza.
Would you like to join us?

Maybe we could get know each other
a little bit, chat.

Uh, I'm good.
I'm gonna explore a little bit,

but it was so nice
to meet you, Nina, and--

Bye-bye.

Oh, sorry, I didn't see you.

Chidi? Are you Chidi?

-Eleanor? What are you up to?
-Oh! Hey there, Michael.

Just getting to know everyone
in the neighborhood.

Who was that mysterious gentleman
wearing the nightgown?

Oh, uh, that's Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk
who never speaks.

Might be a little hard
to get to know him. [chuckles]

Eleanor, you and I both know

you're not like everyone else
in this neighborhood.

Everyone here led a remarkable life.

But you, the work you did
as an environmental activist

was just extraordinary.

Uh...

Oh, well, it's the environment.

I mean, I loved...

mushrooms.

I can honestly say that.

Well, it paid off because
you were the number one point-getter

in this entire neighborhood.

And as such, I was hoping
you could say a few words

at tonight's welcome party
to introduce yourself?

How can I say no? [chuckles]

Can I say no?
It doesn't feel like I can say no.

-But if I can, Michael, I'm saying no.
-Okay.

You'll speak for maybe an hour or so?
Hey, you know what?

I got you something to wear here.

All the top point-getters wear these
on the first night.

Oh, you gotta be forking kidding me.

So, long story short,
my heart is in the Pope,

my liver's in the Dalai Lama,
and my teeth were strung into a necklace

for a child king in French Polynesia.

But it got me into the Good Place,
so can't complain.

Wow! Can I tell you something,
just soulmate to soulmate?

Hold that thought.
I'm gonna head to the gym.

[chuckles]

Are you serious?
Again, right now?

Yeah. I'll catch you later.

Hey, there, Best Person.

You must be Eleanor.
I'm Jessica, the host.

-Hi.
-Michael told us about your speech.

I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Me neither, Jessica. Me neither.

Aw, don't be nervous.
Here, liquid courage.

Actually, um, you know what?
I think I need to keep a clear head.

Can you imagine getting drunk
before giving a big speech?

Getting kicked out
of your niece's christening

and then, only later,
once you've sobered up,

realized you don't even have a niece?
It's like, who was that kid?

[chuckles]

So, Eleanor, you were
an environmental lawyer.

-That's fascinating.
-I know.

Just don't ask me questions about it.

I am sick of describing
exactly what it means.

Hey, I'm headed to the bar.
Can I grab you something?

-How about a margarita?
-No, I'm good.

Actually, I'm the best.
According to the sash.

-She's still not drinking?
-Nope. Something's off.

Should we...

[chomping]

No.

-Keep it together.
-Yeah.

Screw it. Couple of quick shots.

Then I'm coming for you, shrimpies.

[woman] Please don't make this harder
than it already is, Chidi.

These are for you. Drink up.

Hi. Is your name Chidi?

Yes?

Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.

-What?
-Listen to me carefully.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

We need to talk.

Chidi? Come on in.

[Chidi] There really is an afterlife.

I can't wait to have breakfast with Kant,
lunch with Michel Foucault,

dinner with Kant again,

so we can talk about
what came up at breakfast--

I'm sorry, Chidi,
all the great philosophers in history

ended up in the Bad Place.

All of my heroes are--

Being tortured. Yes. I'm afraid so.

Actually, it is kind of clever
how they punish philosophers.

Every day, they make them
go to school naked.

Then they take a test in a class
they've never been to. [chuckles]

Then they smash them with hammers.
That part is not so clever.

But the point is, Chidi,
you were way better than all of them.

You're safe.

-No way. Soulmates are real?
-They sure are.

Although, your soulmate situation
is a little unusual.

Oh, no. I don't have one, do I? That's
fine. Who needs a soulmate, anyway?

My soulmate will be... books.

No, no. It's not that
you don't have a soulmate.

It's that you have multiple soulmates.

Here, now, normally our omniscient system
perfectly analyzes each person's profile

and matches him or her
with another person.

But in your case, the system matched you
with two other people.

It's a rare occurrence,
like a double rainbow.

Or someone on the Internet saying,

"You know what?
You've convinced me I was wrong."

So, how do you choose
who I should be with?

I don't choose. You do, Chidi.

I... What?

This is Angélique, Pedro and Pevita.

According to the system, either Pedro
or Chidi could be matched perfectly

with either Angélique or Pevita.
So, figure it out. Should be fun.

Cool beans. One second, guys.

-So, so-- Yeah.
-Yeah?

So, making decisions
isn't necessarily my strong suit.

I know that, buddy.

You once had a panic attack
at a Make Your Own Sundae bar.

There were too many toppings
and very early in the process,

you had to commit to a chocolate palette
or a fruit palette.

If you couldn't decide, you wound up
with kiwi, Junior Mint, raisin,

and it ruins everyone's night.

Chidi, I am so sorry.
I literally cannot choose for you.

This has to be your decision.

Buddy, you gotta trust me.

I would never place you
in a painful situation.

Great. [clears throat]

You ready, Chidi?

[mouthing] Perfect.

Here you go, Chidi. One slice of Hawaiian
straight out the oven for ya.

I'm Denise. Welcome to my pizza place.

-Thanks, Denise.
-And here's one for you. Have a nice day.

It's interesting
that Hawaiian pizza's so popular here.

Yeah, I guess a lot
of the residents love it.

Makes you wonder what type of pizza
they have in the Bad Place, huh?

[both chuckle]

So, I can't believe
you studied in Brisbane.

We must've just missed each other.
What was your thesis on?

Oh, gosh. It was so boring. It was called,
"Cultural Relativism and Moral Absolutism:

An Exploration of Values As Seen Through
the Works of Alain LeRoy Locke

-and Immanuel Kant."
-And Immanuel Kant!

Shut up. You read it?

No, but that pairing
is the most obvious pairing

to employ in a paper with that title,
and I wanna read it so bad.

What about Morocco?

You ever travel there?

[clicks tongue]

No.

What about anywhere else?
You been anywhere else?

No.

So, first impressions? Anyone?

I kinda wanna hear what Chidi thinks.

Well, um, I mean, you're both brilliant,
accomplished women,

and Pedro, you're great, too.

Just amazing people. I'm surrounded.
[exclaims and chuckles]

But if I had to say who I, sort of,

immediately bonded to on a gut level,

I think I would say that

I kind of feel like
my soulmate is Angélique--

[panting] Wait! Wait!

There was a mistake in the calculations.

We had a four-hour time gap
in your profiles on May 10, 2003.

I corrected that day's events
for all of you, and ran the numbers again.

And the final result proves definitively
that Pedro is Angélique's soulmate,

and, Chidi, your soulmate is Pevita.

That was close. [chuckles]

Hey. You guys hadn't made
a decision yet, had you?

No, we did not.

No one said anything,
I didn't hear anything,

and I certainly didn't say anything.
That's for darn sure.

[both laugh]

Okay. All right. See you later.

This is fun. It's a fun party.

There's no question about it.
This is a fun situation.

Hey. You guys are here.
The fun continues, nay, increases.

You two look nice.

Thanks. And you look...

fine.

Would I say you look
better than anyone else here?

No, I wouldn't say that.
Do you look bad? No.

But good, would I go as far to say is,
you look good? Doubtful.

Hey, wine.

Mmm. Uh...

Do I feel like red or white?

Deep down in your heart of hearts,
you already know which one you want.

Why isn't anyone talking?

Janet, could you show me
to the bar, please?

Oh! Hey. Chidi, right? Denise.
We met earlier, remember?

-Oh, yeah. Hi. Are you limping?
-Yeah, I am.

Crazy story.

See, I was a trapeze artist
in an illegal circus in Bangladesh--

-Angélique.
-Hey, how are you doing?

[chuckles] Oh, well, you know...

stomach's in knots,
I'm stress-grinding my teeth,

and it feels like
my soul is being suffocated.

You know, your standard paradise stuff.
How about you?

It's been a little uncomfortable.

I think Pedro maybe heard you say
that thing you were gonna say.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry, I...

But I have to ask,
do you feel the way I feel?

-We can't talk about this.
-I know,

but if the numbers were that close,
I think I'm supposed to be with--

Stop. Please don't make this harder
than it already is, Chidi.

These are for you.

Hi. Is your name Chidi?

-Yes?
-Ah! I knew you weren't a soup!

-What?
-Listen to me very carefully.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
We need to talk.

-About what?
-Just shut your mouth,

smile at me and walk over here.

Okay, you're definitely
my least favorite person I've met so far.

I'm sorry, this is not a good time.

I'm in the middle of something--

Dude, I'm guessing we have about
30 seconds to talk before someone notices.

When I got here, some robot lady appeared
out of thin air and gave me this.

-You mean Janet.
-[groans] That's it. Janet.

-Hi, there.
-Not now, Janet. Buzz off.

Okay.

Now, I have no memory of writing this,
but it is my handwriting.

That's your name, right?

So, for some reason, at some point,

I put this note into...
that whatever-lady's robot mouth.

You already forgot her name.

No, I didn't. Her name is Janet.

-Hi, there.
-[gasps] Fork off.

Okay.

From the second I got here,
these nerds have been acting real weird,

trying to get me drunk.

My soulmate ditches me every time
I try to talk to him.

And this Zen master guy
gave me this magic bracelet thing.

And then he just ran away.

Something very strange is going on here,
and the only person I trust is me.

And me told me to find you.
So, what's the deal?

What's happening? What do you got?

Okay. Look, I'm sorry,
but none of this means anything to me,

and I've got my own problems to deal with.
I'm sorry. I can't help you.

-Attention, everyone! Speech time.
-[glass chimes]

You're probably not a magic wizard
trapped in an amulet.

But if you are,
please get me out of this speech.

Tahani, come on in.

You're in the Good Place, Tahani.

[exclaims] What a surprise!

But, yes, I accept.

This is your soulmate, Tomás.

Now, Tomás was a doctor
with the International Rescue Alliance,

and you raised money that ultimately
funded his medical mission.

It's just so perfect.

-It's lovely to meet you, Tahani.
-Charmed, I'm...

Short.

I'm sorry, did I just say "short"?

I meant to say, "Charmed, I'm sure."
Because I am charmed to meet you.

It's just
an unfortunate Freudian short. [chuckles]

Shall we?

Where did you attend medical short?

So, this is the living room,
as well as the kitchen and the bedroom.

-It's so cozy.
-[chuckles]

I feel like the walls are hugging me.

Michael, I don't mean to be rude,
but this is simply absurd.

Yes. Thank you.
I didn't want to say anything, but--

There's only two of us.
We don't need all this space.

"All this space"?

Of course, you two humanitarians
don't want anything extravagant.

I'll get rid of the second floor.

Okay. I'll let you two
have some alone time.

I'll see you at the party.

Well, it certainly is quite quaint.
It's just...

fun... I dare say, even quite charming...
Oh, no.

-What's the matter?
-Sorry, it's just a self-portrait

of my sister.

Wonderful.

Your sister is Kamilah Al-Jamil?

I used to play her music for my patients.

At times, it felt like Kamilah's songs
were curing the malaria for us.

Great.

Well, I best be getting changed
for tonight.

I can hardly wear a day dress
to an evening event.

Sounds good.
I'm ready whenever you are.

-Is that what you're wearing?
-Oh, yeah.

My years treating remote villagers
taught me to favor comfort over style.

But you should wear whatever you prefer.

Well, I mean, as we are soulmates,

perhaps, I should also...

dress down.

You all right, my dear?

Yes. Just not used to dressing
like a plumber-ess.

Is that what you call a female plumber,
or is it a toilet sweep?

Or clog wench?

[chuckles] In any case,
that's how I'm dressed.

My darling, you are in the Good Place.
Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet.

That's why Crocs have holes in them.
I'll get us a drink.

Lower that beautiful face for me,
won't you?

-Lower, lower, lower, lower, lower...
-Okay.

Tahani, you all right?

Michael, hello.
Yes, I'm having a splendid time.

Although, if I'm being honest,
a few aspects of my day

have been sub-optimal.

Really? Like what?

[sighs] Well, my house is a bit small,
which is fine.

It's just not what I'm used to.
And Tomás is lovely,

but we haven't really "clicked" yet,
to use a mundane colloquialism,

which I suppose I should do,
now that I'm wearing cargo pants.

Tahani, it's very common
to experience adjustment pains.

But the system matched you and Tomás.
And the system is never wrong.

But guess what? This is the Good Place.

If you want your house to be larger,
then just ask.

Do you want something this big?

Or maybe bigger, like the Taj Mahal.

I know, I know. How about a moon?

Would you like to live
on your own private moon?

No. No. No. My house is wonderful.

It's so silly to want
a bigger house, of all things,

here in paradise. So, no.
No changes needed.

Okay.
But if you change your mind, just ask.

Because all the other residents
are very happy,

so it'll give me plenty of time
to deal with whatever requests you make.

No demand is too,
what's the word, frivolous. Okay?

Wow. That is rough.

[Angélique] Please don't make this harder
than it already is, Chidi.

These are for you. Drink up.

-No, no. I--
-[chuckles] Hey! Twinsies.

-I'm sorry?
-Look. Cargo pants buddies.

[chuckles] I bet we have a lot in common.

I was a garbage man in Winnipeg.
How about you?

Okay.

Crocs also?

[glass chimes]

Speech time!

You're probably not a magic wizard
trapped in an amulet.

But if you are,
please get me out of this speech.

I've asked our top point-getter here
to say a few words.

So, take it away, Eleanor.

[all applaud]

-The dictionary defines "best" as being--
-Oh, God. Boring.

I'd like to say a few words
if nobody minds.

Thank you, wizard.

I am Tahani. Tahani am me.

And even though I wasn't
a "number one point-getter,"

I want to welcome you all
to the neighborhood.

You all look so beautiful tonight
with your regular-size pockets,

regular-size soulmates...

No offense, darling, wherever you are.

Probably somewhere down there.

Why don't you try to ease her
off the stage and take over?

The point is,
we're all good people, right?

We all did the right thing,
whenever we could.

And that's why it's so nice to be here
among you in this massive house

that I want. I want this house.
Give it. [laughs]

No, I'm kidding.
But really, give me the house.

Hey there, hot stuff.
Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Get your hands off me. You think
you're better than I am, don't you?

Just 'cause you're wearing that.

Look at that terrible placement and angle.

Is this your first time wearing a sash?

Yeah. It is. But I think
if we all just take a break--

Give it to me!

-[all gasp]
-[crashing]

I got her off the stage.

Jianyu, come on in.

Before we start,
I know you were a Buddhist monk

who kept a vow of silence.

Would you prefer
to remain silent here, as well?

Every resident here in the Good Place
has a soulmate.

Now, some of the pairings are platonic,
some are romantic.

But what you have with your soulmate
is unique.

You have a spiritual connection
that transcends the physical realm.

This person's gonna be your best bud.

Jianyu, let me introduce you
to your soulmate, Luang.

He is also a Buddhist monk
from the Lumbini zone of Nepal

You and Luang share an identical soul.

Like binary stars, orbiting one another
in a perfect reflective harmony.

You won't ever have
a single moment of loneliness

because you'll always be
right next to each other.

For eternity.

I'll let you two get acquainted.

I'm sure you have a lot
to not talk about. [chuckles]

Because... Well, you get it, you get it.

[sighs]

Oh! Sorry. I didn't see you.

Chidi? Are you Chidi?

Eleanor? What are you up to?

Oh! Hey there, Michael.

Just getting to know
everyone in the neighborhood.

Who was that mysterious gentleman?

Hello, you beautiful spirits.

Can I offer you two something to drink?

-Janet.
-Hi, there.

This is Janet. Now, she can get you
literally anything you want.

All you have to do is ask.

Of course,
you two won't ever want anything

because you're perfectly content.

Oh, I know. How about something special?
Janet, two yak's milks, please.

Enjoy.

[glass chimes]

Speech time!

-If we all take a break--
-Give it to me!

-[all gasp]
-[crashing]

I got her off the stage.

Tahani? Are you all right?

Yes. Fine. Never better.

Top of my game, actually.

You'll have to excuse me.
I've got to go.

Look. Got some shrimp...

in one of my
many, many cargo pants pockets.

-[cries]
-What the fork is happening?

Okay, here we go.

How's it going, boss man?

Enough chit-chat.
Is everything in place for version two?

Yep. I've thought of everything.
I won't let you down.

I'm hoping you could say a few words

at tonight's welcome party
to introduce yourself?

How can I say no? [chuckles]

So cozy.
I feel like the walls are hugging me.

How about something special?
Janet, two yak's milks, please.

Why isn't anyone talking?

[Chidi] Janet, could you show me
to the bar, please?

Michael, may I please
speak with you privately?

Sure. Sure.

It just feels like I used to be
"real" Eleanor, and now I'm Denise.

Denise is a good part,
with a great backstory.

You run the best pizza place
in the neighborhood.

You have a cat, and that's cool.

I took this job
because it seemed fun and different,

and in the original version,
I got to break Chidi's heart

20 times and it was great.
I mean, he was miserable.

And now Angélique gets to torture him?

Angélique is a hack.
I can act circles around her.

But I have nothing to do.

I am a Ferrari, okay?

And you don’t keep a Ferrari
in the garage.

I hear your concern. I do.
And I promise you,

there is a great arc coming for Denise,
the pizza lady, in about 80 years or so.

Chidi is going to
accidentally kill your cat.

It's gonna give you
a great chance to shine.

Can I just have
something that makes me stand out?

A mysterious past or a limp?
I want a limp.

This is supposed to be the Good Place.
Why would you--

Okay. No, I hear you. I tell you what.
Go nuts, right? Limp your heart out.

Hey. Chidi, right?

Hi. Are you limping?

-How's it going?
-We're having some trouble with Eleanor.

She's not engaging in conversation.
She's not drinking.

Eleanor's not drinking?

She brought a flask in the car
during her driver's test.

Okay, we need to keep things moving here.

I'm about to make her talk for an hour.

She'll definitely end up
insulting somebody.

[glass chimes]

Speech time!

We're all good people, right?

We all did the right thing,
whenever we could.

-If we all take a break--
-Give it to me!

-[all gasp]
-[crashing]

Tahani? Are you all right?

[Tahani] Yes. Fine. Never better.

-You'll have to excuse me.
-Come here.

[Tahani] I've got to go.

-What the fork, man?
-I know that book.

Is that a nerd pickup line?
Because it's only kind of working.

No. The note you showed me before?

Right, this is from a book called
What We Owe to Each Other.

I used to teach it. I was a professor
of ethics and moral philosophy.

-All right, brag much?
-I'm trying to help you.

Sorry. Okay.

I've never seen you before in my life,
but I think, somehow, we know each other.

That definitely sounded like
a pickup line, and I'm not not interested,

but we need to figure this out first.

It's not that bad, right? I mean,
we got a drunken speech. That's good.

No. It isn't.

Tahani gave the drunken speech
instead of Eleanor.

We can't build a chaos sequence
out of Tahani's speech

because she thinks she belongs here,
ya ding-dong.

Okay. We can still salvage this.
Where's Eleanor?

She's gone. I can't find her anywhere.

Maybe she left with Chidi? He's gone, too.

-What?
-Or maybe she left with Jason.

You lost Jason? How's that even possible?

Your only job is
to stand next to that idiot.

I got distracted by the fire.
I love fire.

You know, my main job is to burn people
with fire.

What's up, guys?

What are you doing here?
Why aren't you with Eleanor?

I told her I was going to the gym again.

Why would you say that
in the middle of a party?

-You told me to.
-No. I didn't.

You said, if Eleanor tries to confess
she doesn't belong here,

find a reason to avoid her.
Like saying, "I'm going to the gym."

That's what I've been saying.

That was a suggestion of the type of thing
you could say. Don't...

How many times have you specifically
told her you were going to the gym?

Five... No, nine.

You dimwit!

Hey, man. I was perfectly happy
in my old job in the twisting department.

People came in, and I'd twist them
until they snapped in half,

and I'd move on to the next one.
But this job is weird!

-[all agreeing]
-It's all talk, no twisting.

If you don't like the way I do it,
get somebody else.

I'm going to the gym!

Fine. Yeah, you do that.
You go to the gym.

Okay. We can still pull this off.

We just need to find the four humans.
Okay?

[claps] Okay.

[chuckles] Right now.

Everyone in this room,
find those four humans!

Are you gonna talk
or walk around like a nerd

trying to get a personal best
on his Fitbit?

I'm sorry. I'm trying to process
a tremendous amount of insane information.

I mean, you're not supposed to be here.

But you and I clearly met here
somehow before now.

Does that mean
I'm not supposed to be here?

I don't know, dude.
Were you a good person on Earth?

I think so. I spent my life in pursuit
of fundamental truths about the...

[gasps] Oh, no!

I used almond milk in my coffee,

even though I knew
about the negative environmental impact.

What?

-Eleanor, what do we do?
-I don't know, dude!

But we better figure it out soon
or we're doomed.

-Uh... Janet?
-Hi, there, Jianyu.

Hi, Janet.

-Can I tell you something?
-Sure.

I'm not Jianyu. And I'm not a silent monk.

My real name is Jason.

I don't know what's going on.
I got here and Michael said I'm a monk,

and he told me
I was gonna have a new best friend,

and that we were going to live
in a yogurt.

-A yurt.
-Oh, yeah. Yurt, for short.

I was psyched to meet my new best friend.

But he turned out to be this weird
silent guy that won't leave me alone.

I don't want to go back to my yogurt.
Can I go to your house?

I don't have a house, Jason.
I live in a boundless void.

Can I go there?

No. It's a boundless void.

-Okay.
-So, what you're saying is,

there are certain aspects of your
existence here in the Good Place

that are confusing for you?

And you're searching for someplace to go
where you feel less lonely.

I know somewhere you could go.

Why did you do that?

Because you were nice to me.
You're my friend.

Okay.

[Jianyu] Okay.

If we got all the way to Scanlon,

we must have been studying very intensely
for a long time.

Or you grabbed a random book of mine,
and tore a page out.

I'll be honest.
That sounds more like me.

-[rapid knocking]
-Ah!

Eleanor and Chidi.
What a pleasant surprise.

I'm so happy you two have met.

I'm just going door-to-door, apologizing
for the commotion earlier tonight.

The first night in the afterlife can be
a little overwhelming.

Don't worry about us, Michael.
We are doing fine.

Oh, good. Glad to hear that.

Well, it's getting late.

Chidi, allow me to escort you
back to your house.

Hello, all. Sorry for the late hour.

Eleanor, I wanted to stop by
and give you back your sash.

-That's okay. You can just keep it.
-No! I don't deserve it.

I made a complete fool of myself tonight.
I interrupted your big speech,

badly stained my cargo pants which,
I have to admit, are quite comfortable.

Oh, God, what's happened to me?
I'm praising off-the-rack separates.

Tahani, please, it's late.
What we should do--

No. Look, ever since I got here,
it feels like something's been off.

Tahani. There you are.
I've been worried sick about you.

[Eleanor] That's her soulmate?

Is there a second one of him
that stands on his shoulders?

Chidi, there you are.
I've been worried sick about you.

Okay. All right, everybody, now we are
really imposing on Eleanor here.

-Chidi, let's everybody take off--
-Hey, Eleanor...

This person would like to speak with you.
Privately. About something.

Oh, really?

Yep. Bye.

[Eleanor] This is the wise monk
who gave me the magic amulet.

I gotta figure out what it means.
Could be the key to this mystery.

Luang. Perfect.

Why don't you take Jianyu
back to your yurt? Right away.

Homie, no.

I'm not spending another second
with this loser.

You said he was going to be
my best friend, but he is not.

My best friend from Jacksonville
was named Pillboi and he was dope!

We would talk together, get high together,
throw old batteries at drones together,

but this guy can't hold
a camel to Pillboi.

Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk,

and I'm pretty sure
this is just a piece of garbage.

-Babe, there you are. I've been worried--
-[Eleanor] Let me stop you.

Can I guess?
You've been worried sick about me.

I'm headed to the gym.

-Sure. Why not?
-I'm quite confused.

Let me explain, gorgeous.

I don't know what this place is,
but it is certainly not the Good Place.

Michael is forking with us.

-Like a prank show?
-Yeah! Like a prank show!

Except, according to this note, it's
a prank show we've all been on before.

What note?

Apparently, I wrote myself a note,
and stuck it in that Jackie lady's mouth.

Janet. Her name is Janet.

-Oh! Right. Janet.
-Hi, there.

-Hi, Janet.
-Hi, Jason.

[laughs]

Are you kidding me?

Eleanor Shellstrop,
you sneaky little so-and-so.

That was some very quick thinking.
I'm extremely impressed.

And, to be honest, I'm relieved.

At least there's an explanation
for why this all went south so fast.

But you won't be so lucky next time.

-Next time?
-Yeah.

He's going to do it again.

That's not going to work this time, dummy.

Okay. Excuse me.
I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable.

I demand to speak to your superior.

I am so sorry, madam.
Please forgive me. [snaps fingers]

Well, as humans like to say,
"Third time's the charm." Right?

[all groaning]

I take full responsibility
for the false start.

But I assure you all,
there is no note this time.

I'll prove it to you.

-Janet!
-Hi, there.

Hi, Janet.
Open your mouth, please.

Thank you.

See, no notes, no clues or loopholes.

Nothing in there.

Thank you, Janet.

So, let's all pretend the last attempt
never even happened. Questions.

Maybe it's none of our business,
but did you tell Shawn what happened?

Yes, I did. And he completely understood.

As a matter of fact, he found
the whole thing kind of funny.

But he was very supportive.

He says he's very excited
for us to get going again.

So, anyone else?

Anybody? No?

Let's get out there
and make some miseries.

Testing, one, two, three.

[line ringing]

Hey there, boss man.

You were supposed to call me this morning,
give me an update.

Right. Sorry. Yeah.

It's just, the, um...
The chaos sequence was going so well.

Better than the first time, in my opinion.

Eleanor got completely drunk last night.

She talked for like an hour,
even flashed somebody.

So, we had a lot to work with.

So attempt number two is on track so far?

Smooth as silk. Everything's great.

-[distant screaming]
-Oh...

Sounds like everything's
going well back there, too.

We're trying out the new butthole spiders.

-Ah!
-They're enormous.

You know, good old-fashioned torture.

The way it's supposed to be.

Good luck with attempt number two.

And, remember, there will be
no attempt number three.