All language subtitles for 81 - Allo Allo S9e02 - Missing And Presumed Dead

FPS 29,969

You may wonder what I am doing

in an underground bunker,
sitting next to a dead elk.

There is of course
a simple explanation for this.

I have been taken prisoner by Louise
of the communist resistance

who has announced that I am
to be her love slave.

Naturally my quick thinking
has saved the day.

For the past 24 hours I have been
excusing myself with a headache.

I had contemplated taking
her sleeping pills to end it all,

but with my luck I would probably
just end up with a real headache.

Hang on.

I can hear the rattle of her grenades.

Excuse me while I have a relapse.

Oh, Rene, there is bad news.

You have found some aspirins?

No. Come with me.

There is a party meeting.

Is it important?

They will not allow me
to keep you as my love slave.

And just when my headache had gone.

Follow me.

And so I say to you, comrades, there
will be no privileged party members.

We are all for one and one for all.

I second that.

Why should Louise have
this man to herself?

Hands up, those who agree.

His services should be shared
amongst all of us.

What?

I suggest...

We share him mornings, afternoons, and have
a lucky dip to see who gets him at night.

May I put a motion on the table?

I hope that is the correct expression.

It is.
Carry on.

I do not wish to be immodest.

But as a well known resistance hero, should I
not be out all day blowing things up,

and resting peacefully at night?

It is because you are a hero
that you must stay here.

When the war ends, you will
lead our party to victory.

I give you comrade Artois,

and possibly the new leader
of the French Communist Party.

- Comrade Artois.
- Comrade Artois!

Speech! Speech!

Thank you, comrades.

My first task will be getting
a shorter working week,

which I think I should start now.

Overruled.

- What?
- Right.

Let's put all our names into the hat
and see who gets his services first.

Pass it around.

I hope you are not expecting too much.

And don't forget the lucky dip.

Keep calm, you keen commie.

Now let us see.

For the rest of the morning,
he belongs to Nola.

Good. He can help with
the cooking and washing.

You will find me willing.

The afternoon, he belongs to Claudette.

Good, he can help with
the mending and ironing.

You too will find me willing.

And now, the winner of the lucky dip is...

Desiree.

And will I find you willing?

You will find me hiding under the bed.

I think my headache has come back.

It is so sad, Colonel.

Poor Rene sacrificed himself to save us.

He died a hero's death.

Don't be such a ninny, Gruber.

It wasn't our fault he was blown to bits.

It was a German shell that hit the windmill.

He should have run away faster.

What concerns me now is
getting back the painting

of the Fallen Madonna with
the Missing Booby from Madame Edith.

We must go to the cafe at once.

That is very callous, Colonel.

She's only been a widow since yesterday.

Oh, all right.

We'll go in half an hour.

Now pull yourself together,
and get Helga in here.

Could we have a word, please, Helga?

What do you want, Colonel?

We left the painting of the Fallen Madonna
at Cafe Rene for safekeeping.

You must help us recover
the missing booby from Herr Flick.

Only if I get a cut of the proceeds.

You're in no position
to make demands, Helga.

Then the booby will stay missing.

And I may even expose
that cock-and-bull story

you told the General about being
captured by the resistance.

It was not a cock-and-bull story.

No, it was almost entirely bull.

Gruber!

She knows we were really deserting, Colonel.

We have no choice but to cut her in.

Oh, very well.

But you are a devious, underhand,
scheming blackmailer, Helga.

You forget, Colonel,

I am a woman.

General Von Klinkerhoffen!

- Heil Hitler.
- Heil Hitler.

After your incarceration
by those resistance people,

what we all need is a little
relaxation around here.

You are both invited to join me for my
shooting party in the forest this afternoon.

We shall be delighted.

That'll be an honor, General.

Will there be any wild boar?

Apart from you, no.

A few rabbits, perhaps a deer,
if we are lucky.

- Report to the chateau after lunch.
- Yes, General.

And, uh...

About the peasant who was blown to bits
at the windmill during target practice...

Go and see the widow.
Express our regrets.

Should we not apologize, General?

After all, he did save us.

No need to go quite that far.

But perhaps a small offer
of compensation might not go amiss.

We don't want to answer any awkward
questions when we lose the war.

Do you not mean "if" we lose the war?

No. I am rapidly losing confidence
in the German army.

But, General, you still have men
like me and Gruber behind you.

That's why I'm losing confidence.

Heil Hitler.

Have you done all your chores yet, comrade?

Well, the snake stew is
coming along very nicely,

and I have almost finished
boiling your underwear.

You have done well.

I will reward you when I win the lucky dip.

The "well done" is enough for me,
if it is all the same to you, comrade.

Oh my God.

What is it, comrade?

I have put your knickers in the stew.

But you have ruined them.

I do not suppose they have
done much for the stew either.

What is the matter with you?

I am not used to being underground
with a bunch of desperate women.

We are not used to living underground
with such an attractive man.

I cannot wait for the lucky dip,
hold me now.

No no, please.
Control yourself, comrade.

Control yourself.

Think of Lenin.

Women loved him as well.

He had crumpet all over the Kremlin.

Please please, look... stop.

Stop!
Your knickers are boiling over.

Oh, you can say that again.

I have just been sorting through
some of Rene's belongings.

Poor Rene.

How I miss him.

I miss him also.

Oh, he is a great loss to us all.

Take something of his from
this box to remember him by.

He would have wanted it.

I shall have his moustache stiffener.

It will remind me of him.

And I will have this lucky rabbit's foot.

What a pity he was not wearing it
when he was blown up.

Madame Edith,

I must speak with you urgently.

What is it, Michelle?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

I have spoken with the parish priest,

and he has agreed to hold a special
memorial service for Rene this evening.

Oh, thank you, Michelle.

Everyone is being so kind.

Well, Rene was a true hero of France.

A pain in the bum sometimes,
but still a hero.

Good moaning.

Good morning, officer Crabtree,
Monsieur Alphonse.

I have here some things of Rene's.

Please take something.

How very kind.

I am moved.

Think you.

I will take these burcycle claps.

They will stop my troosers
flipping in the wond.

And I will have this bottle of hair pomade.

Oh, that smell we remember so well.

No, he was more garlicy than that.

Anyway, he has not used much.

He did not have much hair to use it on.

Madame Edith, I will not
beat about the bush.

I want to press my suit.

I will plug in the iron.

No no, I mean my proposal of marriage,
now that you are a widow.

Oh, Monsieur Alphonse, it is too soon.

Another day perhaps?

But now Rene is still fresh in my memory.

He is frosh in all our mammaries.

Perhaps we should put up something
that will remind us of him.

But what?
Nothing springs to mind.

What about a plaque with a knife
and fork mounted on a bread roll?

He deserved more than that.

Two bread rolls.

What about a stitue?

That is a good idea.

Monsieur Alphonse, do you think you could
make a statue of Rene for the square?

I would need a photograph of him.

Have you forgotten already
what he looked like?

My short term memory is not too good.

Well, he was...

Tall.

Yes, tall.

Thinning on top.

Yes.

And rather plimp with a big bim.

Yes yes, that was him.

Tall, balding and fat.

Whatever did you see in him?

I am beginning to wonder.

It is the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber
in his little tank.

They are getting out and coming this way.

I will disappear up your back passage.

Yvette...

Girls, go upstairs and
get on with the cleaning.

I will handle this.

And I must be about my bossness.

Good moaning, Colonel Von Stream,
Lieutenant Greeber.

You little tonk is badly pocked.

Do not leave it too lung,
or I shall put a tocket on your tirrit.

Good morning, Colonel,
Lieutenant Gruber.

What can I do for you?

We have come for the painting of
the Fallen Madonna we left with Rene.

I'm sorry, Colonel,

I do not know where it is.

Rene hid it somewhere before he died.

Look around for it.
We must have it.

Of course, Colonel.

And, Madame Edith, we deeply
regret what happened to Rene.

Perhaps we could offer you some
small sum by way of compensation?

Oh, Lieutenant Gruber, no amount
of money could possibly

compensate me for the loss
of a man like Rene.

How much?

Monsieur Alphonse, please.

We wish to help you, Madame Edith.

Well, perhaps there is
something you could do.

Would you pay for a statue of Rene
to be erected in the square?

What a splendid idea.

Depends how much it would cost.

Here is a list of my charges.

That one is for a life-sized
statue in marble,

that one is for sandstone,

and that one is for concrete.

And that one is for a waterproof
cardboard cutout.

We'll pay for the concrete one.

Come on, Gruber.

Cheapskates.

I am so very sorry about our loss.

Thank you.

Oh, Madame Edith, you have me now.

And soon you will have him,
in two of sand and one of cement.

You will have to pedal faster than that,
comrade, or our knickers will never dry.

I am doing my best, Claudette.

You may stop...
For a moment.

What is the matter?

I am saddle sore.

We are going out now on patrol.

But I will be back, in a short while.

Take your time.

Do not get ideas about escaping.

As if I would.

Because I am leaving one of my comrades
behind, to keep an eye on you.

How thoughtful.

Desiree?

Until later, comrade.

Now get back to your pedaling
or our knickers will go moldy.

Faster, peasant, faster.

My knickers are next.

I am not training for
the Tour de France, you know.

Be very careful how you take off
the bandages, Von Smallhausen.

My new features may
still be a little delicate.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Good morning, Herr Flick.

Ah, Helga, you are just in time to witness
the removal of my bandages.

I can hardly wait.

Von Smallhausen, get the scissors.

Yes, Herr Flick.

As soon as the allies invade,
I will head for Argentina.

Will you be taking me with you?

Only if you help me recover
the painting of the Fallen Madonna

from the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber.

- But they do not have it.
- What?

They gave it to Rene Artois, the cafe owner
who was blown up at the old windmill.

Then we will get it from his widow.

Surely she will never give it to you?

My brilliant mind is even now devising
a cunning plan to persuade her.

But first, Von Smallhausen,
cut the bandages.

Yes, Herr Flick.

I'm agog with expectation.

- Hold the mirror.
- Yes, Herr Flick.

What a shock!

Is this really you, Herr Flick?

Even I am unsure if it is really me.

I shall carry out the ultimate test.

I will kiss you, to see if I still
shudder with ecstasy.

Well?

I still shudder, but the ecstasy is missing.

Then I need a second opinion.

Not from you.

Is that dandelion tea ready yet?

It is almost coming, comrade.

Here it is.

Drink it all down in one go,
it will do you good.

Ah, I needed that.

You make fine dandelion tea.

It is a knack.

I have waited a long time
for this moment, Rene Artois.

At last I have you alone.

No, please please please, you do not
get me until after the sun goes down.

I don't care.
Comrade, I love you passionately.

- And I know you feel the same.
- You do?

I've seen the way you've
been looking at me.

The hunger in your eyes.

I am not surprised,
I did not fancy that stew.

Please, now control yourself.

Do not blot your party card.

Oh, I feel funny.

It must be the air in here.

Come back.

Fancy luring me into
the bedroom, you naughty boy.

I assure you it was...

It was not intentional.

And what do you suggest we do now?

- How about a nap?
- Later.

And now my hero of the resistance, hold me,
kiss me, make me faint with ecstasy.

Remember your part well, Von Smallhausen.

She is only a simple peasant.

She will be completely
fooled by our stories.

But remember, she will not recognize me.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Good morning, Herr Flick.

Herr Von Smallhausen.

Do you not notice anything
different about me?

A new hat?

- Prepare yourself for a surprise.
- Quite a big one.

I am prepared, I hope.

I am not really Otto Flick of the Gestapo.

I am, in fact, a member
of the British intelligence service.

My real name is Basil de Vere Courtney.

And I am George Marmaduke St. John
Fotherington Smythe.

But you can call me Buffy.

But the German accents?

Both born in Germany, but
we were turned at Cambridge.

He was turned a bit more than me.

Well, this is a surprise.

I have here some photographs, to prove
to you that we are really British.

This is me playing polo with king George.

And here I am on the center court
of Wimbledon in 1936.

But this is the ladies' singles.

Even then I was in disguise.

This is the 1937 Cambridge
university rowing eight.

When you look closely,
you may recognize their cox.

- Will I?
- I was the cox.

He steers the boat.

Oh... oh yes, of course.

Have we convinced you?

With such overwhelming evidence,
how could I doubt it?

Good.

Now, I understand you have
the painting of the Fallen Madonna.

I have the missing booby.

You must give me the painting.

Then we will insert the booby
and send the whole thing to England

so they can sell it to raise
money for the war effort.

They're jolly hard up.

But I do not know where
the painting is, Basil.

Rene hid it somewhere.

Search the building for it, and bring it
to me at my headquarters.

I will do my best.

Your loyalty to the cause
will not be forgotten.

And when the war is over, perhaps we can
get to know each other better.

I would like that.

I will take you to England
and show you my country seat.

- That sounds interesting.
- Oh, it is. I've seen it.

Come, Buffy, we must get back
for some tiffin, and a cup of cha.

Good day, Madame Edith.

What is cha, Herr Flick?

It is English for tea.

How quickly you forget, Buffy.

Oh, sorry, Basil.

What a Von twit I am.

This looks like a good spot.

Last one to bag a rabbit
buys all the drinks.

I am slightly worried.

Isn't this General Von Blinkhorn's estate?

He is renowned for being
ruthless with poachers.

To hell with Von Blinkhorn,
we hunt where we like.

An elk!

In these woods!

Quite extraordinary.

Not a very big one.

My shot, I think.

- I think you winged it, General.
- I agree.

But that's the first time I've seen one
run off on two legs.

Did you just hear a shot?

Louise, look, there are Germans over there.

They will not leave the wood alive.

Open up.

Von Blinkhorn's gamekeepers
are rather keen.

Quick, back to the car.

There.

Oh, what a wonderful
touching service that was.

And what wonderful things
the priest said about Rene.

It is customary to exaggerate
on these occasions.

Do not fear, Madame Edith.

Ronnie's mammary will live on,
even though he has pissed away.

Oh, dry your eyes, girls.

It is over.

Come let us go into the back room.

I have prepared some sandwiches for us.

Splondid.
I could do with a nobble.

Here, help yourselves.

For my part, I could not eat a thing.

I am too upset.

Nor me.

My appetite has vanished also.

Oh well, all the more for moo.

Do not worry, Madame Edith,
I will look after you.

No one will ever forget a man
such as Rene Artois in a hurry.

Do you think he is up there,
Monsieur Alphonse, watching over us?

Who?

Rene of course.

Should we try and get in touch with him?

It is a bit late for that, is it not?

Well, mamma used to do it.

Perhaps she has passed the gift on to me.

Let us all sit round
the table and hold hands.

Mimi, light the candles,
Yvette, put out the light.

Are you sure you know what
you are doing, Madame Edith?

Oh, do not worry.
I will be in control.

I hope so.

It is dangerous to enter the spirit world.

Oh, I must try and get in touch
with Rene one more time.

Perhaps he could tell us where he has
hidden the Fallen Madonna painting.

And I would not mind a word
with one or two clients of mine

who did not leave enough money
to pay their bills.

Here, let us all hold hands.

Oh, it has suddenly gone very cold in here.

I can fool icy fongers
down the bock of my nick.

It is very croopy.

Oh, I hope we're doing the right thing.

Is there anyone there who wishes
to speak with anyone here?

Two knocks for yes, one knock for no.

I heard a rattle.

I think we are getting through to him.

I feel his presence.

He cannot be far away.

Be careful, Madame Edith.

I had a friend once who drew a pentacle
and summoned up the devil accidentally...

In a deserted laundry.

That must have put the woolies up him.

Rene, if you are here
make your presence known.

He knocked.

Oh my Gid.

Oh, there is something at the window.

Can it be him?

Back from the groove?

Suddenly my ticker is very dicky.

I am not afraid, for I am pure in heart
and looked after by the angels.

I think the angels are on strike.

Oh my God, it is the devil.

We have conjured up the devil.

The knob has come off in my hand.

Help!

She is fighting with the devil.

What does she say?

The knob has come off in her hand.

He will not like that.

Rene!

Rene?

You stupid woman.

Of course it is me, alive and well
after a week under the ground.

Well, what do you say?

How dare you come back to haunt me?

No no, Edith.
I want you to look at something for me.

Look, there.

Back! You fiend!
Begone!

- Oh, Rene!
- Stop it!