All language subtitles for 79 - Allo Allo S8e07 - Swan Song

Eh, you may wonder what I am doing

in a field in the middle of the night

dressed as air marshal Goering.

There is,
as usual, a very simple explanation.

Edith and I are
to dress as Hitler and Goering

on the orders of general Von
Klinkerhoffen to act as decoys

to help him
catch the local communist resistance.

Unfortunately, his plan went wrong

and we are now
in the hands of general Von Karzibrot

who runs the neighboring garrison

and who is, it turns out,
one of the, uh...

One of the rebel generals who
is plotting to assassinate Hitler.

Due to the bad light, he thinks that
we are the real Hitler and Goering

and has just taken Edith
over there to be shot.

All I can do now is pray
that if she has one last wish,

it is that her old friend
Hermann Goering

does not have to suffer the same fate.

I will not stand by and see Germany

destroyed by you and your insane war!

For the good
of the fatherland, you must be shot.

You are making a big mistake, general.

My name is Edith!

Very well, I have no time to argue.

I, general Van Karzibrot,

hereby sentence you, Edith, to be shot!

Firing squad, take aim!

Hitler, come back!

Fire!

The British!
Retreat! Retreat!

Well done, chaps. Churchill
will give us all medals for this.

Rene, what is happening?

They are British soldiers, I think.

- Oh, thank goodness.
- Yeah.

We are saved.

I am captain Frobisher of five
commando and you are my prisoners.

We have waited
a long time for this moment,

you Nazi swine.

What is he saying, Rene?

How should I know?
I do not speak a word of their language.

I'm going to enjoy
seeing you put on trial

and then shot, you monsters.

Oh, thank you, how nice.

They obviously realize
we are important, Rene.

- These uniforms have saved our lives.
- Mm...

I am not so sure, Edith.

I never thought we would pull it off,
sir... snatching these two like that.

Our intelligence was spot-on.

A damn fine show, went like clockwork.

Just in time too...
They were about to shoot the blighters.

Rum-looking pair, aren't they?

Hitler is even uglier in the flesh
than he is in the propaganda films.

Goering has grown a mustache, I see.

Doesn't improve him.

Even a beard
couldn't cover up an ugly mug like that.

Rene, what are we going to do?

We have got to let them know
we are not really Hitler and Goering.

How? I cannot speak
any of the language.

Perhaps one of them speaks french.

I will try.

Excuse me, we are
not really Hitler and Goering, you know?

What is he talking about, pilkers?

Do you understand German?

It sounded more like french, sir.

I speak a few words.

Say what did you?

Rene, one of them speaks french.

Sort of.

I am just a simple peasant woman.

Hitler says he's a woman, sir!

The rumors about
the operation were true.

And this is my husband.

Good lord, he's married to Goering!

Then no wonder they're losing the war.

Better untie those hands.

Oh, they did not seem
to understand, Rene.

I will prove to you I am a woman.

She's going to prove she's a woman!

Men, look the other way!

See, it is a false mustache.

No...

We are just peasants who run
the local cafe in the nearby town.

Actually, sir,
he does look a bit like a woman.

The other one
doesn't look that much like Goering.

I think there's been
an almighty..., pilkers.

We haven't snatched
Hitler and Goering after all.

I wonder what they are saying now.

I've picked up a few words of English

when the British airmen were with us..

I think they are going
to give us a lift back down the road.

- Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Right.

So much for your few words of English.

- Are you hurt?
- No.

Fortunately, I landed on top of you.

We'll have to walk back to Nouvion now.

Dressed like this?!
Are you mad?

Some peasant could
take a potshot at us.

What we need is different clothes.

- I have an idea, Rene.
- Hmm?

- Follow me.
- What?

Throw that old drunk out.

It is I, Leclerc.

Something terrible has happened.

- Where are Rene and madame Edith?
- Give me a drink.

They were taken prisoner by
the general in the next district

who thought they were
the real Hitler and Goering.

He's a rebel
who wants Hitler overthrown.

He sent me away in the car
while he took Rene and madame Edith

into a field to be shot.

Oh my god,

- they are probably both dead by now!
- Oh-hh.

I'd better say a prayer.

Oh, lord, watch over my daughter Edith

who has so tragically
been taken from me.

Amen.

And if you are
still listening down there,

keep an eye on that
rotten husband of hers.

Now I wonder if they have left a will.

Madame fanny, how could you even think

of such a thing at a time like this?

Although madame Edith did always
say I could have the silver cutlery

and a choice of her wardrobe.

And the jewelry was promised to me.

You will have nothing.

I am her sole relative
and the cafe is mine in any case.

It is all mine!

- Ours.
- No!

You get the money out of the till.

We will leave for Paris tonight

- and have a final fling.
- Yeah.

Then throw these old useless bodies

into the seine!

Could you not just throw yours in?

Apart from which, the last
train to Paris has already left.

Oh, where is your get-up-and-go?!

It has gotten up and gone.

We can use the old ice-cream
van from round the back.

Mmm, there's no petrol in it.

Well, we will use alcohol.

You girls... you go down to the cellar

and bring up five cases
of methylated spirit.

That's a lot of meth
just to get you to Paris.

Whatever is left over we can drink.

Was it not a good idea of mine to take
these clothes off the scarecrows, Rene?

It's very uncomfortable.

This straw gets everywhere.

What is it, Rene?

There is a field mouse
down my trousers.

Look, Rene,

something is coming down the road.

Maybe we can persuade them
to give us a lift back into town.

That was my old ice-cream van.

With mama and monsieur Leclerc.

What are they doing?
They will never sell any ice cream

going at that speed.

Now that Rene
and madame Edith are gone,

we will have to run the cafe ourselves.

I will look after the bar while
you serve the customers.

Who are you to give me orders?

I will look after the bar, not you.

Why don't we step
outside and settle this woman to woman?

That's fine by me.

Saved by the bell.

Good moaning.

We have hid the bod nose
about Ronnie and madame Edith.

It is a terrible tragedy.

- Pour me a drink.
- I'll have a double brandy.

My dicky ticker is almost broken.

Ah. Dear madame Edith...

She was a fine woman, the best.

Now I will bury them both
at a very reasonable rate.

Now they are gone,
I am taking over this bar.

We will run it
for the benefit of France,

my brave girls and me.

But we will start with me.

Where is the money?

Madame fanny and monsieur Leclerc
took it. They have gone to Paris.

- For a final fling.
- Oh, never mind.

We will soon fill it up again.

Officer Crabtree,
you will take over the bar.

Splondid!

I have always wanted
to wick behind the boar,

pilling punts and chitting
to the kistomers.

Yes, but first we must
increase the takings.

How much is a bottle of wine?

200 francs.

Then we'll double it
immediately to 400.

But nobody will pay 400
francs for a bottle of wine.

Especially the plonk they serve here.

We will see about that.

This cafe is now being run by us.

Hands up here anyone who
wants a bottle of wine at 400 francs?

This never fails.

Oh, look, there's a parcel, Gruber.

Ah. And a letter

marked "private
and confidential". It's for you.

I wonder who it's from.

It is from Juan Garcia.

Our disguises are in this box.

He'll meet us at the crossroads
at 10:00 tomorrow night.

So much for private and confidential.

Good evening, colonel.
Lieutenant Gruber.

We have just learned that Juan
Garcia is coming here tomorrow night.

We will need the missing booby

you cut from the painting
of the fallen Madonna

so we can sell it in Spain.

There is an easier way.

I've just had dinner
with Herr Flick of the gestapo.

How could you, Helga?
He's such a horrible slimy little worm.

We've had a large dogfish

with a very interesting stuffing.

My god, Helga, you don't
mean the dogfish

containing our 10 million francs?

The very same... bought
at the fishmonger's.

Herr Flick is willing to do a swap.

He will give us the 10 million francs

if we give him the painting
of the fallen Madonna.

Never! The painting is
worthy much more than that.

Colonel, I think Helga
might have a point.

We would be
much better off with the cash.

Mmm...
Oh, very well.

Helga, tell Herr Flick
we will see him tomorrow night

in the cafe Rene
in the backroom at 9:30.

We will do the exchange and then
we'll go straight to the crossroads

to meet Juan Garcia.

As you wish, colonel.

Where is the missing booby?

I carry it with me always.

I will produce it for you.

How do I know I can trust you, colonel?

Helga, I'm an officer
of the German army.

That is what I mean.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention, please.

It is cabaret time at cafe Rene.

I give you

the singing policeman and
Michelle of the resistance.

Oh!
Forget I said that.

I will now tickle the ivories.

Listen very carefully,

we shall sing this only once.

♪ Shine on ♪

♪ shine on,
harvest moon ♪

♪ up in the skoo ♪

♪ we ain't had
no loving ♪

♪ since January,
February, June ♪

♪ and juloo ♪

♪ snow time ain't
no time to stay ♪

♪ outside and spoon ♪

♪ so shine on ♪

♪ shine on,
harvest moon ♪

♪ for me
and my ghoul. ♪

Rene!
Madame Edith!

Can it be true?
You are alive!

Well, as we are here,
it appears that is so, yes.

- What a relief.
- We thought you were dead.

Shot by a furring squid.

We escaped by the skin of our teeth.

Oh, who has written
"under new management" on this menu?

And what
are you doing singing in our cafe?

That is my role.

You will drive away all our
customers singing off-key like that.

I'm sure they are used to it.

Apart from which,
we were merely continuing your business.

We did not thunk you were coming bick.

So this is what happens
when I am away for a moment.

Get that apron off
and get out of here, the lot of you.

We were only traying to help.

Don't get your knockers in a twoss.

It is gone midnight,
you will lose me my license.

Mimi, Yvette,
get everybody out of here... now.

Quick.

Oh. Oh,
madame Edith,

I was grief stricken
with the thought of your death.

My dicky ticker soars
at the sight of you.

Oh, thank you, monsieur Alfonse.

- I know how much you care about me.
- Oh, yes.

And I had chosen
a beautiful coffin for you as well.

Oh well, I will keep it
for another day, huh?

This is not much
for an evening's takings.

Madame fanny
and monsieur Leclerc took the rest.

They have gone to Paris for a
binge before they jump in the seine.

Oh my god, so that is where
my ice-cream van was going?

It is typical of mama.
She never wanted to go out quietly.

She never did anything quietly.

Those takings should go
to the resistance.

We are desperately shirt of kish.

That is not my fault.

You are partly to blame
for the dogfish bungle

which lost us the 10 million francs
from the colonel and lieutenant Gruber.

Then why not ask them for more?

We have
decided to show them we mean business.

We have sent the incriminating
photograph which implicates them

in the theft of the fallen Madonna
to general Von Klinkerhoffen

who will no doubt have them shot.

In the meantime,
I shall take this for singing tonight.

I never get paid for singing.

Well, you should
be paid for not singing.

- And I will have some too.
- What?

After all, I played the piano.

What about moo?
Don't I get any woges?

Here.

If you nude a sagoon
I'm froo on mindays and sotadays.

Get out!

Oh, there's grititude for you.

What a night.
I am exhausted!

Let us go up to bed.

I am not that exhausted.

I understand the weather in Spain is...

Did you order a window cleaner?

- No, why?
- A ladder has just come into view.

Rene!

Pardon me for
this unexpected appearance

on your balcony, lieutenant.

Rene, what a lovely surprise.

But I must tell you

that I am not alone at the moment.

No no, no no no.
I want to speak with both of you

- to give you a warning.
- What about?

Uh, the resistance people...
Who I do not know...

Have sent the incriminating
photographs of the lieutenant

to general Von Klinkerhoffen.

- What?!
- Mm-hmm. He will get it sometime this morning.

My god, what are we going to
do?! The general will come here

and arrest us for
stealing the fallen Madonna from him.

Rene, you will
have to hide us in your cafe.

Oh, no, colonel.
I'm sorry, that is out of the question.

Just till tonight, Rene.
We have some business with Herr Flick

in your backroom
and then we are heading for Spain

with Juan Garcia
and his flamenco troupe.

I-i... I cannot do it.
The resistance would shoot me

if I gave you shelter.

And I will shoot you if you don't.

I will see you later.

Bye.

We are to meet
with the colonel and lieutenant Gruber

in the backroom of the cafe Rene

at 9:30 this evening,
Von Smallhausen.

Yes, Herr Flick.
It is past my usual bedtime,

but I hope you will let me
stay up at least for this once.

There we will exchange
the 10 million francs

we found inside the dogfish

for the painting of the fallen Madonna.

It will be a bargain
at that price, Herr Flick.

Especially as I do not
intend to hand over

the whole 10 million.

What do you mean?

I have devised a cunning plan.

We will show them
a small amount of real money,

but most of the cash will be paper

cut up to look like 1000-franc notes.

That is a masterly plan, Herr Flick!

Aren't they always?

Now,

I have here on the desk
a number of magazines.

You will cut them up with a knife

to the exact size of this note

I have pasted to this block of wood.

- I will do it at once, Herr Flick.
- Stop!

First, I must give you a warning.

These magazines
are old copies of the Hitler youth

unadorned Aryan maiden quarterly.

You are forbidden to look at them.

I mean, how will I cut them up?!

You will wear
this paper bag on your head

and do it by touch.

There.

You may begin.

And no wiggly edges.

We are not making doilies.

How long do we have to hide, Gruber?

I'm getting cramped in here.

Patience, colonel,
it's only a few hours more.

It's all right for you, you're in bed.

It's so ignominious
for a man of my rank

to be hiding under a chamber pot.

And where's the food
that madame Edith promised us?

I will try to attract
someone's attention, colonel.

Edith!

Edith!

Will no one here who hears the cries

of a poor old woman?

Edith! Edith!

Coming, mama.

Oh, I mean, lieutenant.

I have bought you both some soup.

How am I expected

to drink soup in this cabinet?!

Ah. I have
come prepared.

Now you suck through this,

but don't suck too hard

or you will get indigestion.

Madame Edith, general
Von Klinkerhoffen is here.

He's searching the cafe for the
colonel and lieutenant Gruber.

In fact I hear his foots
on the stairs now.

Oh my god!
Do not give us away!

Oh, you are safe, lieutenant.

The general does not
know mama very well,

and if you act like her,
he will be fooled by your disguise.

The soup has gone down the wrong way.

Quickly, colonel,
get back under the chamber pot.

General Von Klinkerhoffen.

I assure you, general,

there is only my old
mother-in-law up here.

I intend to search every
building in the town until I find them.

I have information they have stolen

a very valuable painting
from my quarters.

Search under the bed
and in that cupboard.

Yes, general.

That mother-in-law
doesn't look very old to me.

Oh, she is very
well-preserved for her age.

She has remarkable teeth
and very few wrinkles.

It is the simple country
life she has led...

Plenty of fruits and vegetables.

Who did that?

My mother suffers
terribly from indigestion.

It gives her hiccups.

Edith, who is the fat kraut
with the piggy eyes?

- Mama!
- Get him out of here!

I spit on him and all the Germans!

Shut up, you silly old bat!

I'm very sorry, general.
She is going a little bit gaga.

- Anything?
- No, general.

If the colonel or lieutenant Gruber
come anywhere near your cafe,

- inform me at once!
- Of course, general.

Give the old lady a glass of water.

Are you all right, lieutenant?

Oh, I think I've
just aged a great number of years.

And the colonel?

Has he gone?

I've got the hiccups.
I can't get rid of them.

A sudden shock would do the trick.

Look out, the general is coming back!

It has done the trick.

I thought it would.

Ah. Good evening,
Herr Flick, and welcome.

Good evening.
Where is Rene?

I will get him for you.
Here, help yourself to a drink.

The future looks very rosy for you

if you stay with us, Helga,

after tonight, we will have both
the painting of the fallen Madonna

and most of the 10 million francs.

But you're giving the 10 million francs
to the colonel and lieutenant Gruber.

They are mostly
cut-up magazines, not real money.

How devious you are, Herr Flick.

I'm so glad I'm on your side.

Ah. Good evening,
Herr Flick, Helga.

Good evening, peasant.
We are expected in your backroom.

Of course. The colonel
and lieutenant Gruber are already there

in disguise, ready for their escape.

Just wait one moment.

Oh, Rene.

I am afraid this is goodbye forever.

Then let us say farewell.

Perhaps the french way.

What?

Don't they...
Don't they hug and kiss on the cheek?

Only when presenting medals
or in a dire emergency.

Ah. Uh, one moment.

This way, please, Herr Flick, Helga.

I will ensure
that you are not disturbed.

- Good evening.
- Let's get straight to business.

Did you bring the 10 million francs?

It is in this attache case.

Have you brought the
painting of the falling Madonna

with the big boobies by Van Klomp?

I have it here.

Then let us complete the transaction.

We want to see the money first.

Von Smallhausen, open the case.

- Seems in order.
- Now the painting.

We wrapped it
in newspaper to protect it.

There is one of the boobies.

No touching, Von Smallhausen.

I was just checking
its authenticity, Herr Flick.

Helga, you know
more about boobies than anyone else.

Is that the real thing?

Yes, Herr Flick,
that is definitely a Van Klomp booby.

We wish to see more of the painting.

We wish to see more of the money.

We have seen enough of the painting.

We have seen enough of the money.

We will leave by the window, Gruber.

Goodbye, Helga.

Perhaps we shall meet
when the war is over.

Goodbye, colonel, lieutenant.

Goodbye, Helga.

And good riddance.

Pour us some wine, Von Smallhausen.

We will celebrate
the double-cross of the century.

Those idiots were completely fooled

by my cunning deception.

Herr Flick, you are
so irresistibly attractive

when you're being
underhand and dishonest.

- May I kiss you?
- Let us look at the painting first.

There is no painting, just a booby!

We have been diddled!

Quick, after them!

Oh, Rene, I do not know
what's happened to Dr Le Comte.

He's very late.

And we need those
extra ration books before we can elope.

Well, perhaps
you should wait until another night.

Oh, you're not trying
to get out of it, are you?

If you are, I will announce now
that you're the father of my child.

Oh, no no no, we will elope.

I will meet you down here at midnight

and we will get
the milk truck to Paris.

Oh, thank goodness,
here is the doctor now.

I am sorry I am late.
I had an emergency to attend to.

Have you brought my extra ration books?

Oh, I have some
good news for you, my dear.

You are not with child after all.

- What?!
- It's been a terrible mistake.

The frogs which we use
for the pregnancy test got mixed up.

They leapt into each other's jars.

I just discovered the error.

It is not you who is with child,

it is madame Linard, the dressmaker.

I thought you would be pleased.

It is probably the shock, doctor.

Well, if she is
so upset, she could always try again.

Perish the thought.

- Oh well. Good night.
- Good night, doctor.

Oh, there there.

Imagine that... madame Linard pregnant

and her husband died a year ago.

I wonder who the father is.

Do not start that again, Edith.

Cheer up.
It is good news.

Oh, this has
been hanging over us for far too long.

And now it is over,
it is time to rejoice.

Yes, you can say
that again, Edith. Aha, yes.

Yvette has avoided the shame

and you and I are still in one piece

after last night.
Ha-ha-ha.

The German commandant
and the lieutenant have gone

and soon the war will be over.

Suddenly, everything is perfect.

I will sing a song to celebrate.

Perhaps not as perfect as it could be.

♪ Shine on ♪

♪ shine on,
harvest moon ♪

♪ up in the sky ♪

♪ I ain't had
no loving ♪

♪ since January,
February, June ♪

♪ or July... ♪