All language subtitles for Mr.Deeds.2002.1080p.BluRay.x264.AC3-ETRG.English

Hello, folks at home.
(LAUGHS)

Here I am, 100 yards from
the top of Mount Everest.

Yet there's a part of me

that can't wait to end
this silly vacation

and get back to work where
the real challenges await.

(LAUGHS)

Shouldn't you take your age
into consideration, sir?

After all,
you're 82 years old.

Am I 82?

These numbers
mean nothing to me.

My journey through life
has just begun.

Sir! Sir!

Oota tells me
the storm's getting worse.

Very, very bad.

We must abandon our ascent

and proceed down
the mountain immediately.

We're so very close to the top,
Mr. Puffy-Jacket-Man.

I'm heading down now, sir.
I advise you to do the same.

All right, so be it.

See you at the staff
meeting on Monday.

And I'll bring
the Krispy Kremes!

(LAUGHS)

(MAN SCREAMING)

ANCHORMAN: There, once again, the sad
footage we've been watching all day.

A beloved visionary who
turned a single radio station

into a global
media empire.

Preston Blake, dead at 82.
More after this.

ANNOUNCER: You're watching the
Blake Broadcasting Network.

The stock of Blake Media,

the parent company
of this network,

plunged this morning on
the news of Blake's death,

but bounced back
after a statement

by Blake's longtime
number 2, Chuck Cedar.

And all the king's horses
and all the king's men

couldn't save Preston Blake
from becoming a human Popsicle.

And sources indicate
that Blake,

who was single and had no
children, did not leave a will.

So, who inherits
Blake's 49% stake

in the company's stock
valued at $40 billion?

We'll discuss that with people
close to Preston Blake,

including his
longtime barber

on tomorrow's Inside Access.
Until then, I'm Mac McGrath.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

- Are we clear?
- MAN: Clear!

Babe? Where's Babe?

I'm gonna come over there and
I'm gonna choke you to death.

I gotta go.
Freaking barber!

That's the best
you could get me, huh?

People tell everything
to their barbers, Mac.

I mean, he's been his closest
confidant for more than 20 years.

Babe, I'm not putting
this guy on the air.

You get me something better
and you get it quick.

Or it's your ass.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Did we find this heir yet?

We should be getting that
information via fax any minute now.

I have lawyers looking
through birth records

in all 50 states,
Puerto Rico, and Guam.

In fact, we have
a little pool going.

Guam's paying off
at 1,000 to 1. (CHUCKLES)

Is this a joke to you?

Some genetic
lottery winner

now controls the fate
of this company.

No, no. I agree.
It's troubling.

Troubling?

Your beard is troubling.

Your pipe is troubling.

Your yellow teeth
are really troubling.

But if I lose control of this
company, it'll be catastrophic.

(FAX MACHINE RINGING)

Does anyone know
a Dr. Mendlesohn?

Congratulations,
you have a spastic colon.

That would explain a lot.

(FAX MACHINE RINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)

"Longfellow Deeds."

Chuck, I think we're there.

My God, it's all green.

(BLEATING)
(MOOING)

Wow. Look at that thing.
Fighter pilot on your left.

(MIMICS GUN FIRING)

Whoo-hoo! God,
I've got that sucker.

(WHOOPING)

You guys lost?

We're looking for somebody.
Longfellow Deeds.

Wow. Is that
Deeds' first name?

Well, if the Deeds you're
referring to is Longfellow Deeds,

then yes, that is
Deeds' first name.

Well, I don't know Deeds' first name.
Maybe it's Greg.

Maybe it's Longfellow.

Maybe. But I don't know.

I know another guy named Greg.
You want me to call him up?

No. Thank you.

Please, just tell us
where Deeds lives.

All right, don't get all
hyperactive on me, buddy.

I'll take you
straight to him.

(DOG BARKS)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

MURPH:
Step right in, fellows.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

CHUCK:
He lives at a pizzeria?

You can't live
in a pizzeria.

He lives upstairs.
He owns it.

Excuse me.
Is Mr. Deeds around?

No, I'm sorry.
He's out making deliveries.

The regular delivery guy
called in sick.

But you don't look
too sick to me, Murph.

Oh! I forgot I was
faking sick today.

You two tricked me
into coming here.

Murph, put on an apron
and give me a hand.

You guys played me
like a fiddle. Touché!

Um...
Is Mrs. Deeds around?

Mrs. Deeds?

I don't think that
poor boy ever had a date.

Do you know when
he'll be back?

Well, he'll be back before lunch is out.
Today's Card Day.

- Card Day?
- Deeds writes greeting cards.

Every Monday, he tries out a
few and then he chooses one

and sends it to one of
the big card companies.

Now, he hasn't sold
any yet, but he will.

You guys need
anything else here?

"To my sweetheart,"

"I love you completely,
with all my soul."

"Without you I'm nothing,
a butterless roll."

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

That's good.

You like that, gentlemen?

Hallmark said it showed some
potential, which is pretty cool.

Longfellow Deeds?

Just call me Deeds, pal.

Easy with that
Longfellow stuff.

Chuck Cedar, CEO.

Cecil Anderson, General
Counsel of Blake Media.

Hey, handshakes
are for strangers.

We hug around
here, buddy.

What's up? What's up?
Welcome to town.

Come on, don't be shy.

I like that beard. Abe Lincoln-style.
Have a seat, boys.

- Murph!
- Yeah, Deeds?

I thought you were
sick today.

No. That was
a lie, pal.

Well, you fooled me.

- I did?
- Oh, yeah.

- Mr. Deeds?
- Just Deeds.

You sounded so sick
on the phone.

You're good.
Do that sick voice again.

(SICKLY) Deeds, I can't
come to work today.

I think
I got strep throat.

(COUGHING VIOLENTLY)

That's unbelievable.

You could be a radio
actor or something.

(LAUGHS) Thanks, buddy.
Sure.

Hey, Deeds.
Read a card already.

I got to get back on duty.

(ALL AGREEING)

Okay. I'd better get up there.
Good meeting you, gentlemen.

Mr. Deeds, does the name Preston
Blake mean anything to you?

Well, Mom's maiden
name was Blake.

I only got one for
you guys this week,

but I got a feeling
it's gonna end

my losing streak
with Hallmark.

Deeds, Preston Blake
was your mother's uncle.

You're kidding me.
I got an uncle?

That's awesome.
How's he doing?

He's dead.

Oh, no. Well, if there's
anything I can do...

ALL: (CHANTING) Deeds!
Deeds! Deeds! Deeds!

DEEDS: Okay.
I'll be right with you guys.

When Mr. Blake died,
he left an enormous fortune.

$40 billion. He left it
all to you, Deeds.

Wait a minute.

What are you talking about,
you got to get back on duty?

You're not a cop.

Yeah, you're right. I got this
down at the costume shop.

But it can't hurt
to pretend. (LAUGHS)

What a wisenheimer!

Okay, everybody,
it's show time.

(ALL CHEERING)

I call this
"50th Anniversary Card."

Which is quite
a feat nowadays.

"Fifty years have passed by
with laughter and tears."

"Do you remember
when we went to the zoo,"

"and that time
we drank all the beers?"

(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Beers! Oh, yeah.

"I promise to love you
for 50 years more,"

"even when your bosoms
sag down to the floor."

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was awesome!
How's he do it?

(SNIFFLING)

It looks like you won't have to be
delivering pizzas anymore, Deeds.

Now you're
a very rich man.

What's that got to do
with delivering pizzas?

Ladies!
The top one's yours.

Oh! Thank you, Deeds.
Of course.

Yummy! Yummy! So,
Deeds, what's new?

I found out I have
an uncle, but he died.

That's too bad.

He gave me
$40 billion, though.

- Well, that's nice.
- Oh, yeah!

Don't you go and spend it all
on some fancy record player.

I won't.

Who are your friends, Deeds?

I'm sorry.
Chuck, Cecil,

this is Jane,
Kitty, and Sue.

Pleasure to
meet you, Cecil.

Pleasure's
all mine, Kitty.

Or should I just
say, "Meow"?

(ALL GIGGLING)

Keep it in your
pants, Anderson.

Now, why am I
inheriting this money?

You're Mr. Blake's
closest living relative.

Really? He had
nobody else?

Nope, that's it.

(MAN GRUNTING) Gosh,
I never even met the guy.

Would you hold this
for a second?

Mr. Wetherley,
how you doing, pal?

Very well, Deeds.
Just going to the pharmacy.

Oh! Well, let me get you
there a little quicker.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

How's your wife?
She's fine.

Terrific. Say hi for me. I will.

Okay. Here you go.

Thanks for the lift, Deeds.

Oh. You got it.

(GRUNTING)

Deeds, we need you to come
back to New York with us.

Just for a few days.

We're drawing up some papers
that you'll need to sign.

What kind of papers?

You see, technically, you've inherited
300 million shares of Blake Media, Inc.

Chuck and I, along with
some of the partners,

are gonna buy that
stock for $40 billion,

which, of course, we've had
to borrow from various...

Who cares about all the
financial mumbo jumbo?

We just need a little bit of time
to dot the t's and cross the I's.

And while we're doing that,

we need you to stay
away from the press.

All the media frenzy will
die down in a couple weeks,

but until then...

Oh! You don't want
reporters crawling

all over this lovely
little town, do you?

Oh, no!

Crazy Eyes!

Huh? What?

Hey, Deeds.
How you doing, pal?

I got your pizza for you,
just the way you like it.

Oh, yes!

French fries and Oreos. You
know me all too well, Deeds.

What are you in for?

I'm doing a one-nighter
for biting Ed the mailman.

The guy was trying
to cast a spell on me,

you know, like
a wizard or something.

Are you sure
about that?

I don't know.
Maybe he was just waving.

Hey, who are your friends?

This is Chuck and Cecil,
they're from New York.

I don't like them.

Okay. Nice seeing you.

I've never been
to New York before.

I suppose I could
check out the sights.

Give me an hour
to pack, okay?

You got it.

Wow. I'm gonna be
the first guy to leave here

since Jimmy McNally
went to Disney World.

(BAND PLAYING)

See you later,
everybody!

All right, Miss Kitty.
Bye, bye.

Tomorrow is
Kids-Eat-For-Free Day,

so don't forget to clean
the highchairs, all right?

Don't worry about a thing, Deedsy,
I'll take care of everything.

You go. You have a good time!
I'll miss you.

Bye, Jan. Smell you
later, Murph.

MURPH:
Hey, Deeds.

Give us a card!

Yeah!

"On my way to the big city
for a business trip,"

"never ever left Mandrake Falls
before, ain't that a pip?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

"But while I'm gone, I know
I'll miss you all a lot."

"So bring your rich butt back
here, and buy us all a shot!"

(LAUGHS)
You got it, pal.

(SQUAWKING)

Take it easy.

The biggest story of the
year, and we've got nothing?

Do you people want
to be tabloid journalists?

Because I don't think so.

You've got to be ruthless.

When I started out,

I slept in Tom and Roseanne's
dumpster for two days

disguised as a giant
carton of ice cream.

I got it!

My source at Blake says
the company helicopter

took off from there this afternoon
with two male passengers aboard

headed for Mandrake Falls.
Where?

It's some little hick-ass
town in New Hampshire.

But now they're on
their way back

with three male passengers.

That's one more!
Duh!

That third guy's our heir.
Nice work, Marty.

They were supposed to arrive
at Blake Media at 5:00.

But they made an unscheduled
stop in Connecticut.

DEEDS: I'm so happy I got
the Big Bacon Classic.

Thanks for stopping, buddy.
These are unbelievable.

PILOT:
Happy to do it, Deeds.

How's that Frosty
treating you, Cecil?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

You got some on your beard. Hmm?

I'm just kidding you.
I got him big time, man.

I'm going on the air
in two hours' time.

And I want that guy's life story by then.
I'm talking to you, Jim.

And I'm also talking
to you, Babe. Babe?

Where the hell's Babe?

You missed another staff meeting.
Mac's pissed.

Well, he's not
gonna be pissed

when I crack
this Blake story.

What do you got?

Nothing. Do you
have anything?

I'll have a lot more
in a few hours.

Marty, you got to be a pal.

I need this story.
I'm flat broke,

and Mac is going
to fire me.

How're you flat broke?

You make more money
than anyone here.

What did you blow it on?

Shoes.

I'll tell you everything
I know over lunch tomorrow

as long as your club
promoter boyfriend

doesn't try to run me over
with his motorcycle again.

You're safe there.

Ken and I kind of, you know...
We're taking a break.

Really? So he moved out?

Babe, what are you staying here for?
I have a spare bedroom.

We tried that once,
remember?

I woke up and you were standing
over my bed, breathing heavily.

I was having an asthma attack.
I couldn't find my puffer.

Whoa! Easy, fellows.

The Biggie Fries
are making a comeback.

You guys football fans?

I think the Pats could take
the conference this year.

I mean, the Dolphins
are overrated,

and the Jets
are choke artists.

Oh, I wouldn't say that,
Mr. Deeds.

Just Deeds.
Why is that, though?

You own the Jets, Deeds.

I do?

Whoa, that sucks.

Jeez, I hope they don't play
the Pats in the playoffs,

or I'll have to kill myself.

(LAUGHS)

I'm still very worried
about this.

What do you got in that pipe,
hashish? You're paranoid.

This guy's perfect for us.

What if he won't
sell us his shares?

If I got Preston Blake to
trust me with his company,

I can get this moron
to do the same.

I mean, look at him.

(SINGING SPACE ODDITY)

(SINGING ALONG)

(SINGING)

That's right, Anderson.

(CONTINUES SINGING
SPACE ODDITY)

(MIMICS GUITAR PLAYING)

Enough!

Hmm.

Party pooper.

Holy cow!

What's up, New York?

It's an honor to come to the
greatest city in the world!

(LAUGHS)

Congratulations, Deeds,

you're now the most eligible
bachelor in New York.

Well, jeez, I don't want to meet a
girl just because I'm wicked rich.

Well, that's nice, but let's
see how you stick to your guns

once you've paid a visit

to one of our many
fine gentlemen's clubs.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
What?

My father saved my mother.

She was figure skating
and fell through the ice.

I always thought I'd meet a
girl, kind of, the same way.

Some bullspit like that.

Well, then I'll just
keep a lookout

for ladies in distress,
as it were.

That'd be nice.
Hey, Mandrake Falls!

Security, stop that guy!

(PHOTOGRAPHER SCREAMS)
Stop! Come back here!

CHUCK: He's gonna get
100 grand for that picture.

It'll be all over
the news in an hour.

Well, he deserves it with those
James Bond moves he just pulled.

No, he deserves
to get his throat cut,

the filthy spy.
Come on, let's go.

(WHIMPERING)

(GASPS)

So this is where
my uncle lived?

Yes, sir. For the last 35 years
of his astonishing life.

Boy, you kind of
snuck up on me there.

I am very, very sneaky, sir.

I see that.
My name's Deeds.

I am Emilio, sir.
I am your servant.

Servant? I don't
want a servant,

but if you want to be
my friend, I'll take that.

Friends.

Yes, good friends.

Would you like to go down
to your apartment, sir?

I'm sure it's been
an exhausting day.

- That okay with you, Chuck?
- You'll be safe there.

It'll take us a couple
days to get the papers

drawn up for you to sign.

Go make yourself at home.

Terrific.

Later. I will be with
you shortly, sir.

You got it.

Hey, nice to meet you.
I'm Deeds.

I'm Reuben, sir.

This is a wicked
nice elevator.

Keep an eye on him,
Emilio. Or it's your ass.

It's nice to see you, too, sir.

So how's the elevator business
treating you, Reuben?

It has its ups and downs.

(LAUGHING) All right! All right!
That was good.

Jeezum crow, how'd you
get down here so fast?

Sneaky-sneaky, sir.
Right this way.

Wow.

(ECHOING)

Wow.

Is something
the matter, sir?

(BUZZING)
(ECHOING)

That's an echo, sir.

Yeah, you try it.

- Me, sir?
- It's a lot of fun.

Whoo.
(ECHOING)

Come on, you can
do it louder than that.

Whoo!
(ECHOING)

(LAUGHS)

- Serious.
- Thank you, sir.

Hey, buddy, how you doing?
You want to give it a shot?

(SHOUTS)

Nice.

DEEDS: You guys want to join us?
Make a weird noise.

(ALL SHOUTING)
(ALL ECHOING)

That was a great time.

Well, I'm kind of tired. I'd
like to go to sleep if I could.

This way, Mr. Deeds.
Thank you very much.

- Good night, everyone.
- ALL: Good night, Mr. Deeds.

Yeah? (CLEARS THROAT)
You just going to lie there

and let the Post
take your story?

What's up, New York?

He had a water fountain
in his room. I love it.

That's Hawaiian Punch.

He adored Hawaiian Punch.

Wow! You kind of just
snuck up on me there, man.

I fear you're underestimating
the sneakiness, sir.

Yeah. I guess I was.

What are you doing
down there?

I am assisting you
with your sock change.

You're gonna change
my socks for me?

You don't got to do that.
Come on, stand up.

Thank you, sir.

Besides, you don't want to
have to touch my right foot.

I got wicked bad frostbite when I
was in the Scouts. Check it out.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

Pretty messed up, huh?

The hideousness of that foot
will haunt my dreams forever.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

But the weird thing is
I got no feeling left in it.

So you could, like, jump on
it and it wouldn't hurt me.

Go ahead, jump on it.

I would really
rather not, sir.

Please. Please
jump on my foot.

(YELLS)

Yeah. I didn't feel that.

What else you got?

Hey, get that fireplace
poker right there

and just whack my foot.

Do I absolutely have to?

It's gonna be fun.
Just grab it.

All my friends do this when
they're wasted. (LAUGHS)

Come on.

Go ahead,
give it a whack.

- Nothing.
- Really?

Isn't that sick?

Didn't feel that.
Isn't that awesome?

Go ahead. Nothing.

Yeah. I know.

I know you're starting
to like it, aren't you?

Chop that wood!

Yeah. That's it!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

You're sick! You're sick!
Why would you do that to me?

I'm just kidding you, pal.
(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES IN RELIEF)

You had me going there.

I saw your face,
you were like...

Anyway, I gotta talk
to Cedar and Anderson,

find out what I'm supposed
to be doing today.

So could you take that
out of my foot?

I'm nailed
to the ground here.

(GRUNTING)

There you go.

I must insist on absolute secrecy
regarding this discussion

till I've officially
acquired Mr. Blake's shares.

If that's acceptable to you,
then as far as I'm concerned

you've just bought
2,000 radio stations.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Morning.

Deeds.

What's up?

Doing a little business.

Whoo-hoo!
(ECHOING)

This room's
an echo room, too.

I'm sure you guys
already knew that.

May I help you?

I just wanted to see if there's
anything I should be doing today.

Well, I think we've got
everything under control.

Well, there's got
to be something.

I mean, until I sign
those papers,

I kind of own
this place, right?

(LAUGHS)
What?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Anderson,
what's up, buddy?

I was dreaming about Frosties
all last night. You?

I tried to make
my own at home,

but it just
wasn't the same.

CHUCK:
Deeds.

Every stockholder,
large and small,

has a say in the operation
of this company.

And they have this say at the
annual stockholders' meeting.

The other 364 days
of the year,

the officers of the company,
like me, run the show.

You mean now that
my uncle's gone.

Yeah, and it's not
all fun and games.

This company is a player
on so many levels

and in so many areas

that running it is literally
a 24-hour-a-day job.

I mean, I only got three
hours of sleep last night.

Then it's actually
a 21 -hour-a-day job, huh?

Move it, lady. I don't give
a damn about no meeting.

Mr. Cedar, I am sorry... Hey!

I passed for 3,500 yards
last season,

and I ain't even gonna
touch a football

until you get off
your fat, rich asses

and renegotiate
my bullshit contract.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy
with the language, buddy.

There are ladies present.

Shut the hell up,
rich boy!

I want more money,
or y'all can just suck my...

(GROANS)

Ooh!

I warned you.

You went down like
a sack of potatoes,

I'll tell you
that much. Come on.

(GROANING)

Come on, big man.
Upsy-daisy.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Football!
(LAUGHS)

What's the problem
with your contract?

You know, I figured
if I played well,

I'd renegotiate
and get more money.

If you didn't play well,

could we renegotiate
and pay you less?

Shit, no!

I mean, no.

- Doesn't seem fair to me.
- CHUCK: Deeds.

Kevin led the League
in touchdown passes.

That's okay, Chuck.
I got this one.

(SIGHS)

Listen, fellows,
I want more money,

or I ain't even gonna
play another down.

Well, we're gonna have
to let you go then.

(SCOFFS)
Let me go?

Yeah, you're fired.

So can I sign
with another team?

You can do
anything you want,

but I suggest you
change your attitude,

or nobody's gonna
want to work with you.

Bye.

Deeds, Kevin won the Heisman
Trophy two years ago.

He is our best player.

Don't worry about it,
he'll be back.

Biggest mistake
of your lives!

This thing's cool.
Hey.

Why don't you get out
and enjoy the city?

Everything's fine here.
Take that with you.

No, I'll leave it here.
That's all right.

But call me if you
need me, all right?

Absolutely. Thanks.
Love you, Anderson.

Oh! All you guys,
I noticed you were French.

The opposite
of bonjour to you.

Whoo-hoo!
(ECHOING)

You look so hot
as a blond.

You don't think
it's too streaky?

I feel like he did it
really streaky.

No, I love it, but you should let me go
undercover. This could get dangerous.

No. He said he likes
ladies in distress,

not men who wear
too much cologne.

BABE:
Oh! There he is.

DEEDS: Thanks for the
New York City tour, Tommy.

TOMMY:
You're welcome, Deeds.

Hidden cameras on,
ready to go. Molest me.

(SIGHS)

Marty, molest me!
You got it!

Oh, God. Help! Yeah. Come on.
Give it to me.

Help, I'm being mugged!
All right! Come on!

Help! Help!
I'm being mugged!

Stop it!

Good luck.
See you at the office.

(GASPS)

DEEDS: Don't worry,
I'll get him.

Oh, shit!

Stop! Stop
right there.

(GASPING)

(GROANS)

Oh!

Come on!

Ah!

Ow!

What's your problem, pal?

Come up here.

Got your pocketbook.
Get a job, pal.

(GROANING)
Miss! Miss!

Are you okay?

What happened?

Let me help you up.

All right, now.
All right.

(PANTING)

Ma'am, you were just the victim
of a New York City mugger.

As I suspected, he was a
coward and a weakling.

And also wore more cologne
than any man should wear.

I got this back
for you, though.

Thank you.

Can I take you
to the hospital?

No, no.

I'll be all right. I just feel
a little dizzy and violated.

I'm fine.

(GROANS)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Please, let me take you
to the emergency room.

Huh? Oh.

I'm sure I'll be all right.

I just need to perhaps
walk it off or...

Could you?
Sure. Sure.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

My name's Pam.
Pam Dawson.

My name is Deeds.

I'm not from here.
I'm just visiting.

Where do you
hail from, Deeds?

Mandrake Falls,
New Hampshire.

Just a little town
nobody's ever heard of.

I'm from a little
town like that.

In Iowa.

Is that right?
What part?

Winchestertonfieldville.

Yes, the small town of
Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

(GROANING)

(MOUTHING)
I'm sorry.

So what are you doing
in New York?

I'm a school nurse.

There's no way
you're a school nurse.

Why don't you believe me?

You're too nice to be
a school nurse.

My school nurse
was so mean.

Every time I would tell her
I had a tummy ache,

she'd send me back to my class
and say, "Stop whining."

But that's awful!

Well, I said it every day.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I missed my mother.

Oh! That's sweet.

- Miss Dawson?
- Mmm-hmm.

How would you like
to maybe go out

and have a New York
City dinner with me?

Golly. Well...

That sounds wonderful.

- It does?
- Yeah.

Let's do it, then.

Okay.

Damn you, Old Spice.

(COUGHING)

So you run this pizza place
and you have your poetry.

So what brings you
to the big city?

Actually, I just
inherited $40 billion.

Well, that's nice,

but I think anything over
$30 billion's just gravy.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I like that.

Your hair is very
blond and pretty.

(STAMMERING)
I'm of Swedish ancestry.

Really?

Yes.

My grandfather was in ABBA.

ABBA, the band?

(STAMMERING)
Excuse me,

do you get any
famous people in here?

Famous, rich, powerful.

Really? We don't get any famous
people in Mandrake Falls.

Actually, Stephen King

stopped by our
gas station one time,

but everybody was too
scared to talk to him.

I'd imagine he'd
be very spooky.

Jake, the gas
station attendant,

made eye contact with him.

That night
he lost 200 pounds.

Wow.

Anyway, your chicken parmesan
should be ready soon.

Okay, buddy. Hey,
you know what?

I saw a couple over there.
It's their anniversary.

Give them this. Don't say
it's from us, though.

This is, like, $20,000.

Tell them it was like a restaurant
giveaway, or something like that.

Thanks, buddy.

That's an awfully nice way
to start spending your money.

Is that who I think it is? Who?

Preston Blake's nephew,
the $40 billion man.

We have to meet him. Dave?

Gosh, I hope that
mugger got home okay.

Mr. Deeds.
Yeah.

Mr. Simonds would like to
invite you to join his party.

Why is that?

Just to enjoy the pleasure
of your company.

Wow, that's pretty
cool of him.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, that was
a very nice hug, Deeds.

It's wicked nice of you guys
to invite us over here.

This is awesome.

Have we met?

Not unless you have
a sick kid.

You're a very important man
in this town now, Mr. Deeds.

I don't know about that.

I sing at the
Metropolitan Opera,

and Blake Media contributes
50% of our budget.

So, on behalf
of the opera...

♪ Thank you ♪

That was awesome!

You shouldn't be
thanking me, though.

You should be thanking
my great-uncle.

He was a pretty
interesting man.

I served on the board
of the Guggenheim with him.

Really? I'm not
sure what that is,

but good luck with it.

(LAUGHS)

You know, I would love
to write a piece on you

for The New Yorker.

What's The New Yorker?

It's a magazine.
Uh-huh.

With essays, witty cartoons.

I read the Mandrake
Falls Gazette

and they got some
cartoons in there also.

You know who's a riot?
That Beetle Bailey guy.

He's always wearing his hat
and doing his thing.

But it is an honor to meet a real
writer such as yourself, George.

I've been trying to get my
stuff published for years,

but that Hallmark is one
tough cookie to crack.

Hallmark?

He writes greeting cards.

I try.

You must share
one with us.

I don't know about
that, Mr. French.

Who's Mr. French?

Doesn't he look
like Mr. French?

I've never heard of him.

- Come on.
- All right. All right,

I'll give you one.

This is a Mother's Day card
I've been working on.

"Mom, you are the one who
brought me to Planet Earth."

"You are the one who suffered
through my 14-hour birth."

"You are the one who
made lemonade for me"

"after I'd come
back from play."

"I love you, Mom,"

"so have a wicked nice
Mother's Day."

Something like that.

An instant classic!

♪ Genius, genius, genius ♪

Do you write your poems
with a crayon, Deeds?

(ALL LAUGHING)

MAN:
It's amazing!

I see why
you brought me here.

To goof on me, huh?

Don't be silly, Deeds.

Pipe down, George.

I may seem funny to you,

but if you came
to Mandrake Falls,

you might seem funny to us.

Only nobody would laugh at you
and make you feel stupid,

'cause that wouldn't
be good manners.

Maybe my poems
aren't that great,

but I know some people
who like them.

Anyways, it's the best
I can do.

Okay. Well, we're
going to get going.

Sorry about that, Pam.
I hope I didn't embarrass you.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And if it wasn't for
Miss Dawson being here,

I'd probably knock
your heads in.

- I don't mind.
- Okay.

♪ No ♪

(DINERS EXCLAIMING)

I think I just shat myself.

How would you like to go see
the sights now, Miss Dawson?

Oh. Yes. I just need
to powder my nose.

That'd be great.
I'll get your coat.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey, buddy, this will pay for
everything I damaged. Sorry about that.

Good to meet you guys.
Thank you.

God, that was good stuff.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I want a raise, Mac.

Yes. Yes.

Hey, man! What's up?

Holy cannoli,
you're John McEnroe!

Hey, I saw what
you did to those guys

who were making fun
of you. Nice work.

You know what it's like
to get riled up,

don't you, Johnny Mac?

That I do.

I'm Deeds, by the way.

Deeds, nice to meet you.

You got to let me
buy you a drink.

Oh! Miss Dawson,
this is John McEnroe.

Hello. Miss Dawson,
nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

I kind of promised Miss Dawson
I'd take her out sightseeing.

Look, the sights are great. I've
seen the sights. I love the sights.

Let me show you a New York
most people will never see.

Uh-oh.

That okay with you,
Miss Dawson?

Sounds like fun!

Here's to a big night
on the town.

Okay.

(MOUTHING)
Yes!

(GROANING)

What happened?

Here are some aspirins,
Mr. Deeds.

They make your head
seem smaller.

(GRUNTING)

How did I get
in these pajamas?

I changed you.

I was very gentle, sir.

I think I drank all the alcohol
in Manhattan last night.

And you nearly succeeded
according to Miss Dawson.

Miss Dawson.

I don't even remember taking
her home. Is she okay?

I took the liberty of sending her
off in the company limousine.

She was a lady in distress
and I helped her.

Dreamt about her
last night.

Usually when you get blackout
drunk, you don't dream.

So I read.

What's up, Chuck?

America's newest
billionaire...

(LAUGHING)

...stupid and drunk.

What's this?

Well, it was quite a night
for Longfellow Deeds.

Oh, no. They're gonna know
my name's Longfellow.

After punching out
some society types,

Deeds joined forces with the original
bad boy of tennis, John McEnroe.

And stupidity won
in straight sets.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

How'd they get
that footage?

DEEDS:
Watch out, Johnny!

Whoa!

What kind of
driving is that?

You're a (BLEEP) disgrace!

No, sir.
You're a disgrace.

We did it, man!
Johnny McEnroe!

(LAUGHS) Look at Deedsy hanging
out with McEnroe! That's awesome!

I love the Beach Boys.

Here I go, here I go.

(REGGAE SONG PLAYING)

This is not the kind of
attention we need right now.

What do you mean?

For the moment, you are
the largest stockholder,

and people might think
any instability you show

may equal instability
in the company.

My bad.

My bad. My bad.

Okay. Okay.

- My bad.
- Okay.

Shall I call your car, Mr. Cedar,
to take you to the funeral?

What funeral?

Your great-uncle's funeral.

His funeral's today?

Today, yes.

I'll go get my suit on.

Cute, bigmouth.
Sir?

As soon as that moron goes
back to Cowpie Falls,

you are out of here on
your fat Puerto Rican ass.

I hail from Spain, sir.

(EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH)

REVEREND: Now, Brother Preston is
soaring with eagles high above.

Because he lived
a life of love.

Yes, he's flying
way up high

because he was
a super cool guy.

He's gone away,
too soon, it seems,

leaving behind
his unfinished dreams.

This guy could make a fortune
writing greeting cards.

Yes, we remember
Preston Blake.

A man with faith
no man could shake.

A strength
no man could break.

A character
no man could fake.

For goodness sake,
let's eat some cake.

- ALL: Amen.
- Amen.

Excuse me, Reverend,
that was a grand slam.

I mean, that part with
soaring with the eagles

gave me goose bumps.

Thank you, my brother.

My friend got me
a mug for my birthday.

It says, "It's hard to
soar with the eagles"

"when you're surrounded
by turkeys."

But what you said was better.

It's all good.

PRIEST:
Rest in peace, Preston.

That concludes
today's service.

(EXCLAIMING)

I actually, I thought
I would say something.

Deedsy was always
the best speaker in school.

Deedsy?

DEEDS: Awesome job, by the way,
Your Majesty.

I thought we were
watching Scooby-Doo.

Hi, my name is Deeds.

I was Preston Blake's
great-nephew.

I wrote a poem for him on my
way over here, in my head.

And I'm going to
recite it for you.

I didn't realize
I'd be following

the rhyme-master
Reverend Sharpton.

But here we go anyways.

"You climbed mountains
and built skyscrapers."

"You made TV shows
and put out newspapers."

"You were wicked good
at doing stocks."

"You liked it when Emilio
would change your socks."

"We never hung out
and that makes me sad."

"All the good times
we could've had."

Nice rhyme.

"But when I die, Uncle Preston,
you'd better say, 'Cheers! '"

"'Cause me and you are
hanging at the pearly gates."

"I'll bring the beers,
I'll bring the beers."

He's good.

ALL:
Amen.

Now, I know this is supposed to be a
closed casket, but where I come from

we feel it's good to see the body
for the grieving process, so...

(ALL SCREAMING)

Sorry about that!
I'll keep this sucker closed.

(CRACKLING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

He's still pretty frozen.

Almost there.

(BONE CRACKS)

(GROANS)

I'll keep an eye on the company
for you, buddy. Love you.

Nice meeting you.
Thanks for the apartment.

That was freaky.

Everybody drive home safe.

Man, this guy is
in way over his head.

Take care, Father. You're
gonna see him again tonight?

Yes, I'm calling
at around 4:00.

That's when I get off work.

Remember, I'm Pam Dawson,
virgin school nurse

from Winchestertonfieldville,
Iowa.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That's priceless.

You, a virgin.

All right, thank you.

Excuse me, sir.

It's all right. I told him
he could have that.

Thanks, Deeds.

Right on, buddy.
Nice seeing you.

You need to use our bathroom,
come back and use it, okay?

- Will do, Deeds.
- All right.

How do you think I did
at the funeral today?

You spoke beautifully, sir.

I still feel bad.

I think I snapped
my uncle's hand off

when I was putting him
back in the casket.

Lucky for him,
he was dead, sir.

Even though his face
was frozen that way,

it looked to me like he was a happy guy.
Am I right?

Oh. He truly was.

Come on, sit down, please.

And I got to hang out
with him, just like this,

almost every day
for 30 years.

What did you guys
talk about?

We spoke of life, love,
art, wine, business.

I learned much from him.

I bet you miss him, too.

I do. He was like
a parent to me.

You see, I never
knew my father.

And Mama, she passed while
giving the birth to me.

- You want some Cocoa Pebbles?
- No, thanks.

Okay.

I have much work to do.

Thanks. You don't got to do that.
All right. Thank you.

Enjoy your Pebbles.

One more thing.

Your great-uncle did not let me
change his socks for him, either.

I like feet.
I do not know why.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Hi, Deeds? It's Pam.
Pam Dawson.

I'm so happy you called. I'm
wicked sorry about last night.

I don't drink very often.

Oh! I thought you held
your liquor very well.

Well, unfortunately, I
couldn't hold it for too long.

That's okay. I didn't really
like that skirt anyway.

(CHUCKLING)

(PHONE BEEPS) I'm getting
a call on the other line.

Do you think you can
hang on for a second?

- Sure.
- Thank you. Hello.

Mr. Deeds, this is Kevin Ward,
the quarterback you punched.

Okay. What's up, buddy?

Yeah. I wanted to say that
I was thinking it over

and I'd like to
live up to my word.

And I'd like to
win you a Super Bowl.

That's terrific, pal.

And my daddy wants
to speak to you.

Deeds. Buddy Ward
here, Kevin's daddy.

How you doing
there, Mr. Ward?

I just want to thank you
for teaching my boy a lesson.

Not a problem, sir.
He's a good kid.

He's just gotta watch his
language in front of the ladies.

(CHUCKLES) I'll remind
Kevin where he comes from.

Okay. That sounds terrific.

You used foul language
in front of a lady?

No, Daddy, no!

(BELT WHIPPING)

(KEVIN SCREAMING)

Pam.

Still here, Deeds.

So how's it going?
You at work?

Yep, up here
in the nurse's office.

Any customers?

Customers?
Oh, sick kids.

Well, little
Billy Barty's here.

You're not feeling
too good, Billy?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Miss Dawson, my tummy hurts.

Okay. Why don't you just
lay back and relax?

That was nice.
Good job.

I've got too much doo-doo
in my underpants.

(CRYING)
Make the stinky go away.

Well, you sound like
you got your hands full,

so I'll just
come out with it.

How would you like to do
something with me tonight?

I'd love to do
something with you.

Great. Well, we can't
go out drinking

'cause I got our
company in trouble.

Oh. That's okay. I was brought
up never to drink alcohol.

Not even rum raisin
ice cream.

I like that. I'll think of
something good, okay?

See you tonight.

Okay. Bye.

I got to try this.

(WHOOPING)

Whoa. Whoa! Whoa!

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Was that awesome?

Am I out or safe?

I'm with you.

What is this? My great-uncle's
personal journal.

Should I read it?

Family.

Family, safe, good.

All right, have a good night.
My back hurts!

Nice doing business
with you, fellows.

Thank you, Mr. Deeds.

Thanks for the bikes.

What are you gonna do
with your $20,000?

Buy a giraffe.

What are you gonna do
with your $20,000?

Quit school.

Good idea. School is for fools.
Look at me!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

The park is beautiful.

These trees,

they remind you of
Winchestertonfieldville at all?

Oh! Yes. Yes.
Very much so.

What was it like
growing up there?

It was great.

I remember walking down
to the corner drugstore

and getting
malted milkshakes.

What was your house like?

We had this big Victorian.
Right off Main Street.

Blue shutters
and a big red door.

All right.

And a tire swing
in the front yard.

I love it.

And I remember the time I fell out
of old Boo Radley's apple tree

and broke my arm.

And my father,
before he passed away

from the disease
of the lepers,

he came and
he scooped me up,

and he ran me all the way to
Dr. Pepper's.

Dr. Pepper?

Yeah.

I'm glad that guy
was around.

Want to sit down?

Sure.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

I was reading my great-uncle's
journal on my way over to you.

And when he was age nine,

he wrote that he had
the only family

on the block with a radio,

and he was dreaming about
becoming a disc jockey someday.

- A disc jockey?
- Yeah.

Wow.

You know,
when I was a kid,

I wanted to be
a news reporter.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I used to go around
interviewing everyone,

and writing notes in my
little Holly Hobbie notebook.

People didn't like that.
I got beat up a lot.

Do you remember
their names?

Oh. No, it was
a long time ago.

Okay.

But my grandma said to me,

"One day, honey,
you're gonna grow up,"

"and you're gonna
work for 60 Minutes,"

"and make a difference
in the world."

Well, you do make a difference
in the world every day.

You're a school nurse.

Yeah.

Anyways, this is what
happened to my uncle.

Later on in his life, he'd go to
this radio station that he owned

at, like, 3:00 in the
morning, and DJ for an hour.

Oh! That's great.
Yeah.

So don't give up hope.
You'll be a reporter someday.

If you really want to.

That would be nice.

(SIREN WAILING)

Jeezum crow, a fire!

Fire?

- We should help.
- We should?

- Let's get going.
- To the fire?

Yeah.

WOMAN: Fifi, get
over here right now.

Come on, we'll catch you.

Go away! No! I can't
leave without me kitties.

They're all I got.

Crazy lady!
Babies, where are you?

Don't worry! Get up there now.
Get going!

Longfellow Deeds, Mandrake
Falls volunteer fire chief.

I'll be up there
in a jiff, buddy.

OFFICER:
Get right back in the car.

Yeah, take them.

Where's he going?

FIREMAN:
Watch it, man!

Hey, Sully, who's that guy up there?
I don't know.

He says he's from the Mandrake
Falls Fire Department.

(ALL GASPING)

How the hell does
he climb like that?

He must have monkey blood
in him or something.

DEEDS: It's an honor to work
with New York's bravest guys.

Be careful, Deeds!

I'm gonna get you.

WOMAN: Where are me babies?
Babies, where are you?

Ma'am! Oh, Lord,
it's hot in here.

Calm down. Calm down.

Kitties, come to Mommy.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Okay, but I'm not leaving
without me kitties.

- How many do you got?
- Seven.

Holy shit!
Let's get cracking.

I apologize
for the language.

Apology accepted.

(GASPING)

Fire excites me.

Knock yourself out.

Come here. Come here.

WOMAN:
Yes. That's Freddy.

Here we go! Whoo!

Oh! My children!

FIREMAN:
Look out!

(SCREECHING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Nice catch, Pam!

Good throw, Deeds!

Whee!

(MAN GRUNTS)

WOMAN: That's Frobo.
Thank you, darling.

Coming at you, boys.

I'll take that.

There's a lot more.

Okay, okay, okay.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(MEOWING)

Holy shit, it's a cat!

Oh, snap.
I got you, kitty.

Nice grab!

DEEDS:
One more to go.

Fifi, where are you?

DEEDS: I think I found Fifi.
(CAT SCREECHING)

WOMAN:
Oh! Good!

Hang in there. Hang
in there, buddy!

I got it! I got it!

(MEOWS)
(LAUGHS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, let's do
this together.

WOMAN:
I'm scared.

Deeds, be careful!

All right, they do it
all the time. Here we go.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Oh, shit!

(WOMAN GRUNTS)

Deeds.

I'm okay.

Are you okay?

Yes, I am.
Thanks to you!

(ALL CHEERING)

DEEDS:
You're hurting me!

Longfellow Deeds
is at it again.

His latest victim,
Coretta Keeling,

whose only crime was
loving her cats too much.

And letting Deeds
find out about it.

I'm gonna get you!

Go away!

- I love it.
- DEEDS: Here comes two!

(SQUISHING)

MAN: Cat killer!
Cat killer!

MAC: After he finished
with her cats,

he turned his sights
on Miss Keeling herself.

No! No!

My God!

That's not what I shot.

Has Longfellow Deeds been locked up?
Of course not.

While the rest of us
obey the law,

rich playboys like himself
get to laugh at it.

(LAUGHING)

Longfellow Deeds.

Our jackass of the week.
(JACKASS BRAYING)

What the hell?
Who edited that?

I did.

Your first cut was great,

but I needed to
spice it up a bit.

The truth was a great story.

He saved that woman
and her seven cats.

He was heroic!

Heroic is nice.

Depraved and insane
is better.

Hell, yeah!

Babe, this footage
you're getting, gorgeous.

Keep it coming!

God, how can we do this
to such a sweet guy?

Sweet? Sweet?
Look at me!

Was he being sweet when he gave me
the most savage beating of my life?

You were mugging me!

Babe, no one
is as good

as this guy's
pretending to be.

Don't be a sucker.

He doesn't deserve this.

He doesn't deserve you.

Ow! My neck!

(SNIFFS)

DEEDS:
I feel like an idiot.

They made me look
like a fool, Jan.

I was thinking of going down
to that Inside Access place

and giving Mac McGrath
the beating of a lifetime.

JAN:
That sounds like fun,

but don't stoop
to their level.

You're better
than that, Deedsy.

So hang in there.

And know that we are
always here for you.

Thanks, Jan.

My uncle really built
an amazing company.

Because of him,
50,000 people have jobs.

And he always tried
to do the right thing.

Well, he does sound amazing.

But don't forget,
he was related to you.

Enough about that. Tell
me more about this girl.

She's nice.
A small-town kid, like me.

Deedsy, you
sick-ass mo' fo'.

You got to tap that

before she starts boning
other guys, kid. Boo-Yah!

He thinks it's you!
He thinks it's you!

(LAUGHING)

DEEDS: Let's go, Cedar.
Put some steam on it, kid.

Here it comes.

(EXCLAIMS)

He's trying to kill me.

You're good at this.

You know, when
you asked me to play,

I thought you'd done
this before.

No, Johnny McEnroe said
it was wicked easy.

Plus, it was my uncle's
favorite game, right?

How'd you know that?

I read it in his diary.

Really? I didn't know
he kept a diary.

(SCREAMS)

Sorry about that, dude.

It's okay.
He's a new member.

Ball boy.

Ball boy!

All right, baby,
I'm ready for you.

(GROANS)

You okay?

Not a problem.

Anderson, you liked
that, didn't you?

I did.

CHUCK: Listen, Deeds,
I got some good news.

Those papers will be
ready to sign tomorrow.

So you can relax knowing your uncle's
company's gonna be in good hands,

and you can go home
$40 billion richer.

I actually was thinking about
maybe sticking around here

and going to some meetings with you.
What?

(GROANS)

- Whoa!
- Fault!

I figured I could learn, you
know, like this tennis thing.

Oh!

I swear to God, I'm not
trying to do that. (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLING)

I don't got to sell
my shares right away,

- Do I?
- Huh?

Plus, I met
this girl, Cedar.

I swear to God,
I think she's the one.

CHUCK:
That's wonderful for you.

(CHOKING)

That got you right
in the throat, huh?

(CHUCKLING)

Got to ask you, though, if it hits
you, is it my point or yours?

Yours. Well, I'm
winning then, I guess.

Psst!

(CHUCK READING)

(SHOWER RUNNING)

CHUCK:
Sweet Jesus!

Who are you?

And what do you
want to tell me?

I'm a junior producer
at Inside Access.

And I have information that will
help you get Deeds out of town.

Interested?

Very. Provided the
information is good,

and you stop
soaping your ass.

You know
Deeds' girlfriend?

The school nurse.

Not quite.

Lucy, bring me
the overnights.

JD will tell you
where they are.

Hey, what the hell are
you doing in my chair?

Chuck Cedar.

I think you and I could help
each other out, Mr. McGrath.

DEEDS:
You excited about this trip?

I'm so excited.

Where are you taking me?

I told you
that's a surprise.

Well...

(BABE READING)

You got to
be shitting me.

Whoa! I never heard
you curse before.

I'm that excited!

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

All you
Winchestertonfieldvillians,

recognize this
little girl?

Hey, I'll give you a hint.

"I fell out of Boo
Radley's apple tree,"

"and my arm
is killing me!"

Ow!

Come on, it's little
Pammy Dawson!

Hello.

You related
to Bill Dawson?

Yes, he's my relative.

I think I remember you.

Did you used to have a kind
of hump on your back?

Yes, that was me.
I had a slight hump.

Really?

This was no slight hump.

The girl I'm thinking of
looked like

she had a damn
beach ball on her back.

Okay, it was a huge hump,

and I'm a little
sensitive about it.

Look, Martha, it's
Quasimodo, all growed up.

How wonderful!
I thought you died.

No! She actually
became a school nurse.

You're a nurse?

Yes. What should
I do about this?

(GRUNTING)

I would call Dr. Pepper.

Who?

It was so great seeing
everybody again.

We're going to leave now.

ALL:
Bye.

- Hi, mailman.
- Morning.

How you doing?

Oh, my God,
there it is.

Blue shutters, red
door, tire swing.

That's your house, isn't it?
(LAUGHING)

Wouldn't you know it?

Come on.

DEEDS:
Hey, how you guys doing?

You know who she is?

She actually used to
live in this house

when she was
a little girl.

It's true.

DEEDS: You live here and
she used to live here.

You're practically cousins.

Wow!

So many memories.

Where to begin?

This is our fireplace

where my dad would build
fires out of wood.

And this is the dining room
where we would have our meals

made of food.

And this was
my brother's room.

My parents
hated my brother.

My daddy
built this house

with his bare hands
six years ago.

Well, your daddy is a liar.

How come you...

(CHOKING)

Oh. He's choking.
We should go.

Help. What are you
talking about?

You're the nurse.
Come on, help him.

KIDS:
Save him!

Stand back, kids.

He's gonna die!

Take him to the hospital!
Smack it out of him!

GIRL:
Save him!

Get it out of him!

GIRL:
Save him, please!

Ohh!

(GASPS)

That was amazing.

BOY:
Thank you.

I saved his life.

Yeah.

You're my hero,
Nurse Dawson.

Thank you,
thank you.

Good parking job,
buddy.

Thanks, Deeds.

Testing,
testing.

I had such
a wonderful time.

Thank you for
such a great day.

Oh. Yeah.

Thanks for showing me
your town.

I hope sometime
to see your hometown.

Maybe someday this will
be my new hometown.

Deeds, there's something
I have to tell you.

What's the matter?

What?

Go back to New Hampshire,
and enjoy being rich.

Just don't let anyone
hurt you anymore, okay?

Sucker.

Pam.

I made a card for you.
It's kind of dumb.

I never worked on
anything harder, though,

so don't laugh at me.

Remember we went to the
restaurant that first night,

and you ordered
chicken parmesan?

So I drew you a plate.

There's the chicken
and the cheese

and the linguini.
That actually took me

a long tim
e with the squigglies.

It's beautiful.

There's a poem
inside for you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(VOICE BREAKING)
"Hard to breathe, feels like floating."

"So full of love,
my heart's exploding."

"Mouth is dry,
hands are shaking."

"My heart is yours
for the taking."

"Acting weird,
not myself."

(SOBBING) "Dancing around
like the Keebler Elf".

That was funny.

"Finally time for
this poor schlub."

"To know how it feels
to fall in lub."

Couldn't think of anything else
that rhymes with "schlub."

"Rub" and "tub"
didn't work.

Wow!

I'm sorry, Deeds.

I'm really sorry.

Don't be sorry,
that was unbelievable.

Oh.
(LAUGHS)

Hi, Mrs. Finch and Atticus.

Sleep well.

Al, I'm gonna walk home.

AL:
Okay, Deeds.

(CRYING)

Whoo!

Ow!
(CAR ALARM RINGING)

I love New York!

MAN:
Nobody cares!

I'm in love with him.

And I'm going to
see him tonight,

and I'm telling him
everything.

He'll probably
punch you in the face.

I kind of hope he does.

Come on, Babe,
snap out of it.

You really want to throw all this
away for a dipshit like that?

He's not a dipshit.

He's a goodhearted guy
who we think is a weirdo

because he doesn't share our
sense of ironic detachment.

All this hip, snide,
smart-alecky...

Bullshit?

Yes, bullshit.

Well, in a few moments, I'm gonna
put on my Versace overcoat,

get into my Mercedes, drive
to my Fifth Avenue apartment,

and squeeze my girlfriend's
big, fake boobs.

And that bullshit you're talking
about paid for all of it.

Good for you, Mac.
But I'm still telling him.

Well.

Babe Bennett falls in love.

I'm happy for you. I am.

Gonna miss you, Babe.
Something fierce.

You think she's gonna like this?

All right.

Chicken parmesan?
Terrific, thank you.

Let's hear it.

(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

She gonna like that,
Mr. Deeds.

Okay.

Emilio, it looks beautiful.
Thank you.

Okay.

Think these roses might
be a little too high.

I won't be
able to see her.

- Do we have anything smaller?
- Yes, sir.

Okay.

Byron?

That's terrific.

Would you mind sitting
down for a second?

Yes, sir.

Say something to me.
Pretend that you're her.

Me, sir?

Please.

Well.

It's nice of you
to have invited me

to dine with you
this evening.

It's my pleasure.

Actually, you're
a little too tall.

Can you slink down?

Like this?

That's good.

This is one of the best
dates I've ever been on.

You make me
feel very special.

You make me feel
very special, too.

That's why I got
this for you.

Okay, could you
lean forward?

I really like you a lot.

I like you, too.

I can't stop
thinking about you.

Please let me
touch your feet.

Okay, this is getting weird.
You can stand up now.

Deeds!

Fellows!

We wanted to come by and wish
you the best on your big night.

Thanks a lot.
I'm so nervous.

I never asked anybody
to marry me before.

It's 7:30, time
for Inside Access.

We're not in for any more
nasty surprises, are we?

I don't think so. I haven't
done anything stupid all day.

I've been here.

Let's see what kind of
lame show they put on

when they don't have
Deeds to pick on.

Excuse me!

Could you put on
Channel 8, please?

You got it.

(ON SCREEN) Welcome to Inside Access.
I'm Mac McGrath.

All of us here at IA take pride
in our ability to handle

every story with
sensitivity and empathy...

Okay, pal.

...while maintaining an appropriate
journalistic distance.

But what happens when a reporter
becomes part of what she's reporting?

What happens when a journalist
falls in love with an idiot?

That's Longfellow Deeds
with Pam Dawson.

I can't believe they dragged her in this.
28-year-old school nurse

who recently moved to New York City
from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

But wait.
Doesn't Pam Dawson

bear a striking resemblance
to Babe Bennett,

a producer here
at Inside Access?

In fact, the two are
one and the same.

MAC: Hey, we're gonna
wire your apartment

with state-of-the-art
surveillance video.

BABE: (ON SCREEN)
Sounds good.

BABE:
Deeds.

I came here to
try to explain.

I'm the biggest sucker
in the world, fellows.

This town can be brutal.

I don't belong here.

I can't run the company, I can't
even run my own damn life.

Well, sure you can. The good
news is the papers are ready.

So once you sign them,
we'll get our stock,

and you'll get
your $40 billion.

I don't want that money.
Just give it to a charity.

What's a good charity?

The United Negro
College Fund?

Okay, give it
to those guys.

Can we give you
a ride to the airport?

The company chopper
will take you home.

Thanks, anyway. I'll be
all right on my own.

Nice meeting you all.

Nice meeting you, Deeds.

Goodbye!

(ECHOING)

Goodbye.

(CRYING)

Not right.
It's not right.

Hmm.

(GROANING)

Oh. Hi.

You must be Jan.
My name is...

I know who you are.

Wham-bam Dawson.
AKA Little Miss Slut-Slut.

(SIGHS)
Okay, I deserve that.

Do you have any idea
how much you hurt him?

You're not getting
anywhere near that boy.

I have to find him,

and there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

There's a lot I can
do to stop you.

He needs to know
how bad I feel.

And that I would go
to the end of the earth.

I would do anything,

anything to take back
what I did to him.

I'm sorry,
all I heard was,

"Blah, blah, blah,
I'm a dirty tramp."

(GROANS)

Tell you what.

You get by me,

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

I'll tell you
where he is.

(NECK CRACKING)

Whoo! Feeling crazy!

Okay.

Come to Mama.

(EXHALES)

(COUGHS)
Ow!

I was a rodeo clown
for six years.

You're gonna have to
step it up a notch, shorty.

You mean like this?

(GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

Where were you kicking?
I ain't got no balls, dummy!

(BABE SCREAMING)

- Please. Put me down!
- You got it!

BABE: Just tell me
where Deeds is.

JAN: Bring your bony
ass over here. Whoo!

I want to cut you into eight
slices of bitcheroni.

(SIGHS)

Are you all right?

Good kick, honey.
Good kick.

Crazy Eyes!

Oh.

All right.
Here you go.

Peanut butter and gumballs.
Nice combo.

Don't worry about
what happened.

Time heals all things.

Except these crazy eyes.

Well, it's good to be home.
I know that much.

I wasn't talking
to you, Deeds.

I was talking to that
squirrel over there.

Oh.

Although it is a shame
about that Cedar fellow

tearing apart your
uncle's company,

and firing all
those nice people.

Where'd you hear that?

I watch the stock market
channel all the time.

I just watch 'cause I suspect that
anchorman of being an evil leprechaun.

He can bullshit
everybody else,

but he ain't
fooling me.

There it is. Okay.

(SCREAMS)

(GASPING)

Somebody help me!

Help!

Deeds! Help!

Deeds!

Help! Oh, God!

Deeds!

Oh, my God!

Deeds! Deeds!

(PANTING)

Where do you got the camera
hidden, in the woods?

No camera.

(SHUDDERING) I'm so cold.
Please!

You gonna get mugged
in there, too?

I'm so sorry.

I really love you.

Bullshit!

Hey.

Oh!

(MUFFLED GROANING)

I'm coming!

Go down! Go down!

Here comes
the black foot.

No!

I know it's gross,
but grab it.

Okay.

I got you. I got you.

(GASPING) Oh, God, your foot.
It's disgusting!

I know, I know.
Come here.

Come on, you okay?
You okay?

I think so.

You didn't really fall out
of an apple tree, did you?

No.

But I really love you.

I don't even know
who you are.

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

ANCHORMAN: (ON TV)
A company in tatters.

Preston Blake's great legacy
gone to the highest bidder.

The shocking announcement
from Chuck Cedar today

confirmed that Blake Media

will be stripped down
and sold off piece by piece.

The only man
who could stand up

to Mr. Cedar
and save the company,

Longfellow Deeds,
has apparently given up

his voting rights
and left the city.

The sale is expected to pass
with unanimous consent

at the annual
stockholders' meeting

here in New York
tomorrow afternoon.

Sources indicate
that virtually

all of Blake's
50,000 employees

are likely to
lose their jobs.

Hey, wait a minute.
I'm a Blake employee.

Holy shit!
This sucks.

Ladies and gentlemen, the bottom
line is that this divestiture

will result in
every shareholder,

all of you and
myself included,

getting a substantial
premium for our shares.

But before we vote,

the company bylaws require
me to open the floor

to shareholders
for statements

either for or against
this buyout plan.

Does anyone wish
to make a statement?

(GASPS)
Dismantling this company

would be an insult
to a great man.

You scared me.

It is an unspeakable outrage,

and it cannot be
allowed to happen.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

DEEDS:
Excuse me.

I got a statement.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

CHUCK:
Longfellow Deeds.

Unfortunately, since you sold
me your 300 million shares,

you have no right
to speak at this meeting.

Well, unfortunately for you,

I bought one share of
Blake Media this morning.

You told me every stockholder
has a say in this company.

Even the little guy.

You've got two minutes,
Deeds, but just remember,

I now control 49%
of this company.

So you're gonna
have to persuade

just about everyone else
to start hating money.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Hello, everybody.
I'm Deeds.

For a little while, I was a
big part of this company.

(LAUGHS)

I was wicked rich
and powerful.

Now, being rich and
powerful isn't a bad thing.

It looks like the
Monopoly guy over there

is pretty darned
psyched about it.

But the problem is what can
happen when you decide

that you would do
absolutely anything

to become rich
and powerful.

I don't know who licked the red
off your lollipop today, son,

but you are preaching
to the wrong choir.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

All I'm saying is,
when you were kids,

did you dream about becoming
a savvy investor one day

who would think with his
wallet instead of his heart?

Come on, I know I didn't.
I wanted to be a fireman.

I wanted to be the guy everybody
called on if they were in trouble.

I wanted to help people,

and yeah, I wanted to slide down
those wicked awesome poles.

(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)

But money, that was the
last thing I thought about.

What about you, sir? Did
you want to be a fireman?

No, I did not.

Truth be told, I wanted
to be a veterinarian.

Cool. Why would
you want to do that?

I wanted to help
sick animals.

And what do you do now?

I own a chain of
slaughterhouses.

Okay. You kind of went the other
way on that one, didn't you?

Okay. In the back.
Come on.

Tell me what
you wanted to be.

I wanted to be
a magician.

And what do you do now?

I operate
a pornographic website.

That makes people
happy also, I guess.

But kind of in
a grosser way.

- Who else?
- I wanted to be a senator.

I wanted to be a florist.

International House Pancake.

JAN:
I wanted to be a man.

Huh. That explains a lot.

I wanted to be
a ping-pong champion.

But you're not those things
you wanted to be, are you?

Everybody made
a compromise,

then another compromise,
and now,

you're about to put
50,000 people out of work

just to make a quick buck?
Come on.

I bet if we ran into the sixth grade
versions of ourselves right now,

they would kick our asses
all over the place,

and put Bubble Yum
in our hair

for even thinking
about doing this.

He's right. I would've
beat my greedy ass red.

I would've thrown myself
off the merry-go-round.

I would've tied myself
naked to a chair

and burned myself
with lit cigarettes.

Did anybody here dream about
becoming a psychiatrist?

Just kidding, pal.

There's still hope for the
kids inside of all of us.

Please don't break up
my uncle's company.

I always wanted
to do that.

Well...

That was very
touching, Deeds.

It appears this divestiture
has been defeated.

Unless I'm forgetting
something.

(SIGHS)
My 300 million votes

plus the five million votes I control
as proxy for the foreign investors.

So which way should
I vote my 51%?

I vote aye.

305 million times.

The ayes have it.

And Blake Media
is no more.

BABE: Not so fast,
Chuck.

Too bad for you,
when I was a kid,

I wanted to be
a good reporter.

Miss Bennett, I wasn't aware
that you were a stockholder.

There's a couple things
you're not aware of.

Like how to tweeze your
eyebrows, for instance.

Also, when Deeds
gave away his fortune,

he gave away something
that wasn't his.

What are you
talking about?

I have here the diary
of Preston Blake.

I stole it and read it.
Please don't be mad at me.

I did it for good
reasons, I promise.

I would like to read a passage from
Mr. Blake's diary

dated April 12, 1957.

"I am a volcano of lust."

BLAKE: I've gotten this far in
business by following my heart.

And I must follow it
now in love.

If she just gives me
a sign, an opening.

Want me to wipe the leaves
on your ficus tree, Mr. Blake?

You can call me Preston.

(NERVOUSLY) Want me to wipe the
leaves on your ficus tree, Preston?

Yes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yes.

Yes!

BABE: Who was this
mystery woman?

I have here the
Blake Media ledger

sign-in book
from April, 1957.

On the night
of the 12th,

there was only one woman working
on Preston Blake's floor.

Sadly, nine months
later, she died,

giving birth to a son.

A son born

January 23, 1958.

That is my birthday.

To Miss Consuela Lopez.

That is my mother.

And the rightful heir
to $40 billion!

That is my money?

A simple DNA test
will show

that Emilio Lopez is the majority
stockholder to Blake Media.

It is my money!

That's your money!

That is my money!

(EXCLAIMING)

DEEDS: Way to go,
Emilio!

I will do good things,
good things for everyone.

Free flamenco
lessons for all.

People, people! Please!

That is my money.

Don't be misled.
These are all lies.

Mr. Cedar.

Huh?

You are fired.

You can't fire me!

I'm in control!

Get your hands off me!
I'm Chuck Cedar!

At the lake,
when you saved my life,

which I never got a chance
to properly thank you for...

You're welcome.

You said that you
didn't know who I was.

And it made me realize
I don't know who I am.

So I started working on it,
and here's what I got so far.

My name is Babe Bennett.

I grew up in Syosset,
Long Island.

I have brown eyes

and I don't know what my
natural hair color is anymore.

When I was in fifth grade, I got
a crush on Walter Cronkite.

And I really did have
that Holly Hobbie notebook

I was telling you about.

I love Bruce Springsteen,
Almond ROCA,

and Abbott and Costello
movies.

I don't like licorice
or my ankles.

More importantly, I know
that I messed up real bad.

And I'd be willing to spend
the rest of my life

begging you to give me
another chance

because I am so deeply
in love with you,

and I know that it's definitely
that forever kind of love...

You're crazy.

You have beautiful ankles.

Let's go home.

You're fired!
You! You!

Oh! You, sir.
You are definitely fired.

I'd like to stay.

I think I can really do some good
if I just got another chance.

Not fired. But tomorrow morning,
you let me change your socks.

Okay.

And you,
Long-Long-Longfellow,

you are the one who
made all this possible

with your beautiful words
and your beautiful spirit.

And Miss Bennett with
her beautiful research.

How can I thank you?

All I want is your
friendship, Emilio.

You're a good man.

I'll miss you.

Deeds!

How about $1 billion?

All right.

Done.

Whoo!

Holy jeez!

I can't believe it!

What's that,
Deedsy?

It's a letter
from Hallmark.

They're actually going
to buy one of my cards.

Oh, my gosh!
Which one?

The one I wrote for you,
do you remember it?

Do I remember?

"Hard to breathe,
feels like floating."

"So full of love,
my heart's exploding."

"Mouth is dry,
hands are shaking."

"My heart is yours
for the taking."

"Acting weird,
not myself."

"Dancing around
like the Keebler Elf."

"Finally time for
this poor schlub"

(CAT BITES)
(YELPS)

"To know how it feels
to fall in lub"

I'm so proud of you.

MURPH: Can you believe
Deeds bought us all these?

(LAUGHING)

Damn, these things
are fast!

I'm okay!