All language subtitles for 65 - Allo Allo S7e04 - Up The Crick Without A Piddle

You may wonder what I am doing

in the back of an R.A.F. Plane

flying at 10,000 feet
above the English channel,

disguised as a monk.

There is, of course,
a perfectly normal explanation.

I had to leave Nouvion
in a hurry

because the Germans
were going to give me

a collaboration medal
for helping them

and the communist resistance
were going to have me shot

if I accepted it.

As neither of these two options
appealed to me,

my waitress, Yvette and I,
disguised ourselves as monks

to take the place
of the two British airmen,

who were also
disguised as monks,

to catch this plane.

As you can see
we have taken their place.

Unfortunately,
the best laid plans

can go wrong,

and this one is, as they say,

a real Turkey.

For instead of ending up
with my beautiful,

vibrant, young Yvette,

I found myself
with my airsick wife, Edith.

And so the future

is no longer as inviting
as it should be.

How much longer?

This airplane is so bumpy.
I feel sick.

It is your own fault, Edith.

You were supposed
to stay in Nouvion

and look after the cafe.

Do not scold me, Rene.
The cafe is in good hands.

Whose?

Mamma and monsieur Leclerc's.

Oh my god.
That's like putting a couple of winos

in charge of a distillery.

Mamma is a very
responsible person.

She knows all about
running a bar.

She knows all about
emptying one.

And monsieur Leclerc
is good at accounts.

He was a bookkeeper.

He was a bookmaker.

There is a difference.

He will probably put
all the takings

on the 2:15 at longchamp
if he gets the chance.

Do not worry, Rene,
we are together,

and you are safe,

and we shall start
a new life in england.

The English think
they are getting the flying aces.

They will not be too pleased

when they find out who we are.

But you are the hero
of the resistance!

They should be proud
to give you sanctuary.

Nevertheless, I do
not think we should mention the error

until we are safely
on the ground.

Shh, one of them is coming.

Pretty hairy take off, what!

So, you're carstairs
and Fairfax.

I'm tigger Thompson.
Which one of you is carstairs?

Flof flof flof flof.

Damn brave chap.

And you must be Fairfax.

Rah rah rah rah.

My god, Fairfax,
you look terrible.

Did they torture you?

Oh, rah rah rah rah.

Oh, the swine.

Carstairs looks ghastly
and poor old Fairfax

looks about 110. What's more,

he's wearing lipstick
and perfume.

They obviously haven't
broken his spirit then.

Soon have you
back in Blighty, chaps.

- Flof flof flof flof.
- Rah rah rah rah.

I am revitalized

by this job, Ernest.

I feel 10 years younger,

as if I am floating on air.

I am not surprised,

you have nearly
emptied the bottle.

Did you remember to bring up

the crates of champagne
from the cellar

for our celebration?

Yes, but what are
we celebrating?

Well, what day is it today?

- Wednesday.
- That will do.

Ah, you lazy girls,

you have missed a bit
here and there, too.

Do it again.

And you will keep on doing it,

until I am satisfied!

Madame Fanny has turned into

a right old tyrant
since Rene left.

She treats us like slaves.

I only hope
he is safe in London.

So do I.

But no one must know
he has gone there.

- My lips are sealed.
- So are mine.

How I wish
I could have gone with him.

I wish the same for me.

If I had gone with him,
he would be having a good time.

He would be having
an even better time with me.

Ha! What do you know about men?

I am renowned
for refreshing the parts

that other women miss.

You?
You cannot even reach those parts.

How dare you?

Stop it! Stop it!

I will not have
this kind of behavior

from my staff.

Your staff?

Yes. I am in charge.

We answer only to Rene.

Rene will not be back
till the war is over.

Till then you will do as I say

or you will be
back on the streets

where you belong.

Do not be cheeky.

Are the chaps here, farkington?

There's been a cock-up,
I'm afraid, sir.

It seems our chaps picked up

the wrong two monks.

Well, actually,

it's a monk and a monkess.

What beastly luck.

- Where are they now?
- Outside, sir.

Let's see what they have
got to say for themselves.

In here.

There's a chappie on his way
over from intelligence

to debrief them.

Let's have a crack at them
before he arrives.

Now look, you two,
what were you doing

getting on that airplane?

What did he say, Rene?

I do not speak of word
of the language.

Blighters don't seem
to understand English.

How's your French, farkers?

Rusty, sir,
but I'll give it a bash.

Good moaning.

We would lik to knee
wote you were deeing

in the bick of the earcraft?

Oh my god,

can none of them
speak French properly?

I don't think
he got my gist, sir.

Try again.

Are you rolly minks,

or are you in disgeese?

- Did you get that, Rene?
- To me it sounds like

the ravings of a mad parrot.

It's no use, sir,
if only my old chum Crabtree were here...

Why, he speaks fluent French.

The interpreter from
military intelligence

- has arrived, sir.
- Thank you, Penelope.

Send him in.

Klop... oops!

Sorry, chaps, old habit.

Rather thrown by sight
of old chums.

Rene, it is
captain hans geering.

I cannot believe my eyes.

- You know these two?
- Cafe chappie and wife

from Nouvion
where I was stationed.

Be good fellows,
give me five with them.

Right, come on, farkington.

Let's hope they've got
a damn good explanation

for this ghastly mess.

Rene! Oh!

Madame Edith!

Oh, I have a lump in my throat,

and suddenly
the memories of Nouvion

have flooded back.
Oh, I must sit down.

Captain geering,
what are you doing in that uniform?

Are you spying for the Germans?

You cannot ask questions
like that, Edith.

What if somebody
is listening at the keyhole?

Of course, how foolish of me.

If you are, just wink.

No, I have become
a neutralized englishman.

Oh, you poor man.

Was it painful?

He means he is now one of them.

Well, after that
I am not surprised.

Rene is correct.

I am now a citizen
of the English,

and am working for them
as an officer in intelligence.

Wouldn't the colonel
be surprised?

He would be amazed!

The last we heard of you
was on the radio

when the resistance
spirited you away to england.

A lot of warm beer has flowed

under my bridge since then.

I spent three months
being brainwashed

by their best men,
burgess and maclean.

So you swapped sides?

Well, I did not fancy
a prison camp,

not after the other one
I accidentally found myself in with you.

Swapping sides is nothing
to be ashamed of.

I am not ashamed.
I get five pounds per week,

free lodgings and a one-way
ticket to South America

if my lot get as far
as marble arch.

Could you,
in your exalted position,

put in a good word for us,
captain geering?

I do not have to.

Being in intelligence,
I know what I always suspected.

You are nighthawk,
hero of the resistance.

I must say you had me
completely fooled.

I always thought you were
just a bumbling old peasant.

Thank you.

And you were doing it
right under our noses.

What fools you made
of the colonel

- and the rest of us!
- Oh, please do not be cross.

We were unwilling pawns of fate.

Over here you are heroes.
I am sorry we will not be able

to spend more time together
before you go back.

Go back? Oh no,
we cannot go back.

No, it is out of the question!

We should be shot
as collaborators...

Or he will.

We will contact the resistance
and straighten things out.

Do not worry,
you are with friends.

Now please sit on the chairs
on the other side of the desk

while I do my stuff.

Now, tell... oh!

Tell me in every detail
what happened

and how you got here,
leaving out nothing.

Never taking your eyes
off mine for a second

so that I may assess that
every word you tell me is the truth.

Well, uh...

As one friend to another,

it is like this...
It was an accident.

Liar!

How am I doing so far?

You've got my adrenaline going.

Tell intelligence

I would like to meet
this frenchman

who saved my bacon.

He must be
a remarkable man indeed,

and remarkable men

should get together

to discuss the remarkable things

that are happening
in these remarkable times.

I am sorry
I had to sound severe.

It's all part of the job
and you never know

who is listening at the keyhole.

Tea for three,
and don't be mingy with the biscuits.

I say, are you
getting anywhere, captain?

- Absolutely, old bean.
- What happened?

It seems there was
a jolly old cock-up frog side.

The old crate came down
bang in the jolly old field,

but the dashed airmen
had gone a.W.O.L.

These two came
to tell our chaps and got dragged on board.

So that explains it.
Well then, who are these two monkey people?

Seems he's nighthawk.

Key resistance Johnny in France.

I say, let me shake
your hand, old chap.

Damn brave, what.

What's he saying, Rene?

I expect he is saying
how damn brave I am.

P.M. wants to see him
at number 10 p-d-q.

Surely not in
those clothes, sir?

Well, surely you had
some civvies standing by

for Fairfax and carstairs?

Yes sir, we've got these.

There's no time to lose.
They'll have to do.

Captain, will you tell
these frenchies

we are going to see the P.M.
and he will probably give them a medal?

Churchill is probably
going to give you a medal.

May I say how happy I am
to give you this news?

Oh my god, no, not a medal.

- No, no, please.
- What did he say?

He is almost speechless
with excitement.

Good morning, colonel,
lieutenant, captain.

Good morning, Yvette.
We are looking for Rene.

He is not here, I am afraid.

Well, where is he?
We have been looking everywhere for him.

He said he had
joined the monastery, but he is not there.

All we find were
a bunch of the monkeys in the long dresses.

I think he changed his mind

about becoming a monk,

the robes were too tickly.

I not surprised.

With beautiful ladies
like you around,

only the fruitcake
go into the monastery.

Oh, thank you captain,

- what a charmer.
- Yeah, and how sickening.

Nothing has happened to Rene
has it, Yvette?

He said threats
had been made against him.

He's not hiding
in some cold place,

alone and friendless?
I could not bear it.

Oh no, lieutenant.

He has just gone away
for a few days.

Mi mi mi mi...

- What is madame Fanny doing?
- She plans to sing tonight.

She is just warming up
her tonsils.

It sounds more like
she's overheating.

Do you require a table
for this evening?

Yes, but a long way
from the piano.

And make sure there is
plenty of cheese

for our ears.

I must lubricate my vocal cords.

I think it has done the trick.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have some bod nose for you.

I have had a massage
from ongland.

Ronnie is ova there.

No? Is he safe?

And are his pieces in one?

I presume sue,

but there has been
an almotey kick-up.

He and modom Edith
simhow got on the earcraft

instead of the brotish earman.

Michelle is lovid with inger.

But thank heavens he is safe.

Michelle has arroonged
to spoke to him

on the roodio
at farteen hondrid ears.

What has happened
to the British airmen?

We do not knee,

but I am going
to lick for them on my burcycle.

If the nitzis find them,

we could be up the crick
without a piddle.

That is bad nose.

I say, carstairs,

I wonder what happened
to that airplane from Blighty?

Don't know, old boy.

Must have missed it somehow.

Well, we'll just
have to kip down here

until someone finds us.

I hope they hurry up,
I'm starving.

Well...

"needs must when
the devil drives."

Can't be any worse
than the grub at the cafe.

Enter.

These are
the two French resistance fighters

you asked to see,
prime minister.

They don't look
very French to me.

More like Laurel and Hardy.

We had to give them

new clothes, prime minister.

When they arrived, all they had

were filthy old habits.

That's typical of the French.

He looks very tired.

It is all that blood,
sweat, toil, and tears.

Not to mention the whiskey.

Tell them, I'm very
grateful to them.

Foiling the plot to kidnap me

was a most courageous act.

I have their medals here.

He has the medals for you.

Oh, no, that is
the last thing we want.

Refuse them,
captain geering, please.

What was that, captain?

They are delighted,
prime minister.

You cannot refuse them.

He may have you
shot as traitors.

Here are the citations.

R. Artoyz, e. Artoyz,

for gallantry above
the call of duty.

Brothers are they?

No, they're married,
prime minister.

Very odd bedfellows, the French.

No, sir,

this one's a woman.

I'll take your word for it.

Come here.

It is people like you,

brave, loyal allies,

fighting on the beaches,

in the fields,

on the streets and in the hills,

who are keeping
the free world safe

from the shadow
of the Nazi jackboot.

I give you these medals,

from a grateful British people,

in recognition of your work
for the resistance.

What did he say?

You're a hero.

Thank you.

I'm getting quite a collection.

I will pin it on myself,
Mr. Churchill.

Captain, show them the sights

and take them for tea
on expenses.

Yes, prime minister.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I must get on with the war.

That's it. He has to
get on with the war.

I think it could be
a very long one.

You are not
pedaling evenly, Von smallhausen.

I'm sorry, herr Flick.

How can I make pots,

if the wheel does
not turn evenly?

Now look what you
have made me do.

My pot has gone all wobbly.

I was concentrating
on my petit point.

It is going very well.

Oh, dear, I have
stitched it to my habit.

I will tell the Abbot,
Von smallhausen,

and he will put you in
solitary confinement.

I do not mind.

I find the peace
and quiet refreshing.

In that case, you will
remain here with me.

Enter!

What can we do for you, sister?

It is I, Helga.

Helga?!

You have not become
a nun, have you?

No,
I had to disguise myself to get in.

Ordinary women are forbidden,

in case they corrupt the monks.

I always say,

a little bit of what
you fancy does you good.

Have you located
the British airmen yet?

No, it it not very easy.

Well, could you not
eavesdrop and see

if any of the monks
speak English?

This is a silent order.

Except after
the cheese and onion soup.

Did you get the note
we smuggled out,

attached to the stray dog,

that I remembered you
had once thrown a bone to...

Which I assumed would seek
you out for another nibble?

No,

but I did see you swinging

on the bell rope,
through my binoculars,

and assumed you must
be suffering

great privation
in the cause of duty,

and in consequence,

I have brought you
some sustenance.

Here is the bread
for the sandwiches.

What is there
to put between them?

I have brought a salami.

Helga,

in my current state
of nooky deprivation,

the sight of your garter
drives me wild.

May I kiss you, herr Flick?

A notice

warns of severe penalties

should any kissing take place

within these walls.

Am I not worth the risk?

Let us try and see.

The answer is no.

Quick, it is nearly time.

Hello, nighthawk, this is... er,

nighthawk calling
from London. Over.

Hello, nighthawk.
This is blue tit.

Receiving you
loud and clear. Over.

Hello, blue tit,

I, too, can hear you
very loud and clear. Over.

What went wrong with the plan?

We were dragged
onto the plane by mistake.

They thought we were
the airmen. Over.

Where are the airmen now?

Are they not with you? Over.

Would I be asking if they were?

Officer Crabtree has searched
the whole countryside for them.

I have licked everywhere
on my burcycle,

but they have vinished
into thon ear.

I have burcycled so much,

I've got a sore bim.

Well, I do not know
where they are. Over.

Nighthawk,
listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

You must return immediately
to sort this out.

This is Mrs. Nighthawk.

It is madame Edith.

I would like to speak to mamma.

She has passed out on the bed,

with a bottle of gin.

Who is looking after the till?

Monsieur Leclerc is in the bar,

giving free drinks
to all his old pals.

He will ruin the business!

We shall return tonight.
Over and out.

It was very good of you

to take us shopping,
captain geering.

Not at all, madame Edith.

Oh it is all
on government expenses.

And I love this dress.
It's beautiful.

What do think, Rene?

It was a long way to come

just to go to
marks and Spencers.

You were very pleased
with your y-fronts.

Please, not here.

We cannot have you coming
to lyons corner house

in a man's suit, madame Edith.

So this is lyons corner house.

Oh, it is very nice.

Do you come here often, captain?

Oh, yes,
I have something of a sweet tooth.

But it is not
the same as France.

How I miss
the smell of the drains,

and hair oil,

and they can't make
strudel here for toffee.

But most of all, madame Edith,
I miss your cooking.

Things must be
very bad over here.

Also, I have...
A little thing going

with one of the waitresses here.

Her name is Ethel.

She's a nippy.

Is she Japanese?

No, no, they move so fast,

that's what they call them.

I hope she's better looking
than that one over there.

That's her.

Oh. Now that I give
her a second look,

I see she does have
certain qualities.

You'll like her.

Could we have
the special please, Ethel?

These was leftover
from a customer

what got tired of waiting,
so you're in luck.

Will I, er...

Will I see you later, Ethel?

Oooh, if you like.
I'm off this evening.

I'll come round
and knock you up at about 8:00.

Such a strange sense of humor,

have these English girls.

What has died
on this heated bread?

Today's special.

Mushroom stalks on toast.

Delicious!

Apart from which,
everything else is off.

- It always is.
- Mushroom stalks?

What do they do with
the rest of the mushrooms?

Grind them up to make tea,

if this is anything to go by.

You mean you have
to live on this food?

It's delicious. It's very tasty.

And great Germany is
successfully blocking

the allies' supply lines,

which are stretched
to breaking point,

by our glorious men
in the undersea boatens,

as they blow them
out of the water.

Oops! What am I saying?

You know, Edith,

I wish I were coming home
with you tonight.

Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

After eating here,
even your food tastes like cordon bleu.

I'm afraid I must go, Rene.

Mamma and monsieur Leclerc
are ruining the business.

I will send you
good luck messages,

from time to time, on the radio.

Listen, an air raid.

Our glorious air force,
whose brave pilots

defied the might of the few,

have come to blow the pants off
the British imperialists.

Oops! I must go
for some more brainwashing.

Quick, to the shelters.

Evening, Yvette.

Good evening, colonel.

Your table is over here.

Is there any word
from Rene, Yvette?

No, but we expect him
back shortly.

Oh, good,
because we have to report

persons missing
more than 24 hours

to the general.

After that, they are subject

to arrest and interrogation.

Also their friends
and acquaintances.

This includes the staff here.

So you see, it is
rather serious.

Are you sure you don't
know his whereabouts?

I have no idea.

- Nor those of his wife?
- I know nothing.

I think she tell the truth.

Here, let me buy you a drink.

Oh, not at the moment,
thank you, captain.

Okey-dokey.

I give you one later.

I sometimes wonder what
you are doing in this war.

Trying to get a piece
of the action.

Nearly there.

Just stand in the middle,

and watch for the green light.

All right?

Time to go.

It has been wonderful
to see you again.

In a way I wish
I was going with you,

but that would not
be a good idea.

It is very good of you both
to come and see me off.

Rene,

will you not change your mind?

I cannot, my love.

I am not wearing a parachute.

I do not want to get shot.

My heart will beat
in time with yours,

although I am
in a foreign land, far away,

while you fight for freedom.

Oh, how beautifully put.

Oh, goodbye, Rene.

I will give your best
to the girls.

And do not forget...

Half the portrait
of the fallen Madonna

with the big boobs is...

Aarghh!

Oops.

Oh, Rene,

I knew you would
change your mind.

You were standing on my foot.

We will kill them

with this cabaret number.

Now can you remember the words?

♪ I like to go awandering ♪

♪ with a suitcase in my hand. ♪

No, no, no.

"A knapsack on your back."

Oh, do try to get
it right, Ernest,

or it will be a disaster.

Now that Edith has gone,

my career is about to blossom.

If you go on
watering it like that,

it will wilt.

I am ready.

Nothing can stop

my big comeback now.

24 hours are up, colonel.

We shall have to
arrest Rene on sight.

I will let you do it.

Is that an order?

It is now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your entertainment,

I give you
"the wandering yodelers."

My god, it's Rene. He's back!

And showing a very nice leg.

You keep singing,

I will yodel my way
down the back passage,

and make a run for it.

♪ I love to go ♪

♪ awandering ♪

♪ along the mountain track ♪

♪ and as I go ♪

♪ I love to sing ♪

♪ my knapsack ♪

♪ on my back ♪

- ♪ valder-ee ♪
- ♪ yodel-odel-ee ♪

- ♪ valder-aa ♪
- ♪ yodel-odel-oo ♪

- ♪ valder-aa ♪
- ♪ yodel-odel-ee... ♪

Ah, so there's the peasant

I recommended for
the collaboration medal.

I thought you said
he was missing!

He was!

Silence!

♪ Yodel-odel... ♪

I have bad news for you.

Berlin did not accept
my recommendation.

Blowing up a minor
troublemaking general by accident

does not constitute
a sufficient degree

of collaboration.

You must try to do better
next time, peasant.

I will do my best.

Well, now that I'm here,

I might as well enjoy
a convivial evening.

Carry on.

- ♪ Valder-ee ♪
- ♪ yodel-odel-ee ♪

- ♪ valder-aa ♪
- ♪ yodel-odel-aa ♪

- ♪ valder-ee ♪
- ♪ yodel-odel-ee... ♪

On second thought,

I will enjoy a much
more convivial evening

alone at my chateau.

♪ With a knapsack ♪

♪ on my back. ♪