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1
00:00:13,525 --> 00:00:14,583
Where's our food?
2
00:00:14,584 --> 00:00:17,500
It's... the service
of this place, it's horrible.
3
00:00:17,501 --> 00:00:18,667
- Taking a year.
- I know.
4
00:00:18,668 --> 00:00:20,541
- What the hell?
- I know.
5
00:00:20,542 --> 00:00:22,083
I confirmed it, by the way.
6
00:00:22,084 --> 00:00:24,750
Cheryl and Ted are a thing.
7
00:00:24,751 --> 00:00:27,333
They went to Hawaii together.
8
00:00:27,334 --> 00:00:30,333
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
9
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:33,792
- Jeez.
- So, this is really hard to look at.
10
00:00:33,793 --> 00:00:35,667
Yeah, well,
how do you think I feel?
11
00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:37,041
- You think I enjoy it?
- Okay.
12
00:00:37,042 --> 00:00:39,083
I never should've
done that show.
13
00:00:39,084 --> 00:00:40,500
That "Kimmel" show.
14
00:00:40,501 --> 00:00:42,249
God damn it.
15
00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,958
Hi, I'm the manager.
16
00:00:43,959 --> 00:00:45,583
There's been a delay
in your meals.
17
00:00:45,584 --> 00:00:47,124
I'm very sorry.
18
00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:49,291
There's been a disturbance
in the kitchen.
19
00:00:49,292 --> 00:00:50,833
But we're taking care of it.
Thanks.
20
00:00:50,834 --> 00:00:52,625
Well, what kind
of disturbance?
21
00:00:52,626 --> 00:00:55,792
A general disturbance.
22
00:00:55,793 --> 00:00:58,124
What's a general disturbance?
23
00:00:58,125 --> 00:01:01,708
Well, let's just say
it was a minor hiccup.
24
00:01:01,709 --> 00:01:03,917
Well, was it a hiccup
or a disturbance?
25
00:01:03,918 --> 00:01:05,625
It's such a small disturbance,
26
00:01:05,626 --> 00:01:07,958
it might be either one.
27
00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,375
What, it's like...
was the chef angry
28
00:01:09,376 --> 00:01:11,458
or did somebody drop
some pots and pans?
29
00:01:11,459 --> 00:01:12,159
What happened?
30
00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:14,999
Let's just say the
disturbance happened.
31
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,792
Okay, that's a fact,
32
00:01:16,793 --> 00:01:18,875
and we're taking
care of it, okay?
33
00:01:18,876 --> 00:01:19,833
Are you listening to this?
34
00:01:19,834 --> 00:01:21,333
- Wait a second.
- I am.
35
00:01:21,334 --> 00:01:23,208
How come you won't tell me
what the disturbance was?
36
00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,708
Oh, well, that's
a very good question,
37
00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:27,500
- and I'm on top of it.
- Well, thank you.
38
00:01:27,501 --> 00:01:29,500
I'm glad you thought
it was a good question
39
00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:31,500
because it was a really
atrocious answer.
40
00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:34,500
- Well, I beg to differ.
- Let me ask you this question.
41
00:01:34,501 --> 00:01:36,667
How in God's name
did you get this job?
42
00:01:36,668 --> 00:01:40,082
I am great at dealing with
these disturbances.
43
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:41,083
Yes, really?
44
00:01:41,084 --> 00:01:44,083
I'm asking that because you
come off as quite a goofball.
45
00:01:44,084 --> 00:01:46,166
I'm gonna take that
as a compliment.
46
00:01:46,167 --> 00:01:47,083
It's not.
47
00:01:47,084 --> 00:01:48,667
Delicious meal, by the way.
48
00:01:48,668 --> 00:01:51,667
Did I mention that?
Oh, gosh, I'm jealous.
49
00:01:51,668 --> 00:01:54,208
Is there any question
that you will answer?
50
00:01:54,209 --> 00:01:55,958
Because you haven't
answered one question yet.
51
00:01:55,959 --> 00:01:58,333
For example,
what color is your tie?
52
00:01:58,334 --> 00:02:00,208
- Let me just say this.
- Uh-huh.
53
00:02:00,209 --> 00:02:02,249
- I am wearing a tie.
- Yes, you are.
54
00:02:02,250 --> 00:02:06,041
- What color is it?
- I believe the tie is self-evident.
55
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:08,541
So, the color is there.
56
00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:09,958
- Okay.
- Okay, great.
57
00:02:09,959 --> 00:02:12,875
- All right.
- Thank you.
58
00:02:14,542 --> 00:02:15,999
What the hell was that?
59
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,416
Why wouldn't he tell me
what it was?
60
00:02:17,417 --> 00:02:19,458
- What's the big secret?
- I don't know.
61
00:02:19,459 --> 00:02:22,041
- I'm going to the bathroom.
- All right.
62
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,667
- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
63
00:02:41,668 --> 00:02:43,041
The restroom's down
the hallway.
64
00:02:43,042 --> 00:02:45,875
- Are you the chef?
- Yes. Yes, I am.
65
00:02:45,876 --> 00:02:48,625
Oh, okay...
66
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:49,917
I was sitting at my table,
67
00:02:49,918 --> 00:02:51,083
the manager came over to us
68
00:02:51,084 --> 00:02:53,249
and said the food
was gonna be delayed
69
00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:55,583
because there was a
disturbance in the kitchen.
70
00:02:55,584 --> 00:02:57,208
Oh, yes, I'm sorry
about that, sir.
71
00:02:57,209 --> 00:02:59,291
There was a small
disturbance in the kitchen,
72
00:02:59,292 --> 00:03:01,416
but if you go have a seat, we'll
get your food right out to you.
73
00:03:01,417 --> 00:03:02,750
Yeah, I know, thanks.
74
00:03:02,751 --> 00:03:04,249
That's okay.
I mean, everything's fine.
75
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:05,833
I was just wondering,
76
00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:07,833
you know,
what the disturbance was.
77
00:03:07,834 --> 00:03:09,708
Regular kitchen disturbance.
78
00:03:09,709 --> 00:03:11,333
They happen all the time.
Nothing to worry about.
79
00:03:11,334 --> 00:03:13,208
You mean somebody dropped
pots and pans or something?
80
00:03:13,209 --> 00:03:15,999
- Is that what happened?
- It's not that big of a deal, sir.
81
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,249
It was a minor disturbance that
we have since taken care of.
82
00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:20,999
- Minor?
- It was perfectly minor.
83
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,208
If it was, then my food would not
have been delayed by 15 minutes.
84
00:03:23,209 --> 00:03:26,667
- A slight delay in your food.
- It was more than a slight delay.
85
00:03:26,668 --> 00:03:28,750
- Sir. Sir.
- Tell the truth about the disturbance.
86
00:03:28,751 --> 00:03:30,333
It wasn't minor, it was major.
87
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:32,208
What is this, an investigation?
88
00:03:32,209 --> 00:03:33,792
This is a kitchen, sir.
89
00:03:33,793 --> 00:03:35,958
I'm just trying to get some
food to some hungry people.
90
00:03:35,959 --> 00:03:38,458
That's all I wanna do.
And then I wanna go home.
91
00:03:38,459 --> 00:03:39,958
- Are you a married man?
- Yes.
92
00:03:39,959 --> 00:03:42,792
- Do you have children?
- Yes.
93
00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:45,541
All right, so you're having a wonderful
afternoon with the wife and kids,
94
00:03:45,542 --> 00:03:47,875
you go out to the post
office to get the mail.
95
00:03:47,876 --> 00:03:50,083
You come back, you hear a big
crash, you open the door,
96
00:03:50,084 --> 00:03:52,291
and your kids are sprawled out,
unconscious on the floor.
97
00:03:52,292 --> 00:03:54,458
You say to your wife,
"What happened?"
98
00:03:54,459 --> 00:03:56,667
And she goes, "Oh, there
was a disturbance."
99
00:03:56,668 --> 00:03:58,416
And you go, "What was
the disturbance?"
100
00:03:58,417 --> 00:04:01,291
She goes, "No, I don't wanna
tell you." How would you feel?
101
00:04:01,292 --> 00:04:03,224
I would want to know
what the disturbance was.
102
00:04:03,225 --> 00:04:04,625
That's exactly right!
103
00:04:04,626 --> 00:04:06,583
That's a very specific
situation, sir!
104
00:04:06,584 --> 00:04:11,333
You'd want to know what the
disturbance was, just like me!
105
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:12,833
There's no children here!
106
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,750
You're acting like a child.
107
00:04:14,751 --> 00:04:16,875
You're the child who's
keeping a little secret.
108
00:04:16,876 --> 00:04:18,208
- Yes.
- You got a little secret.
109
00:04:18,209 --> 00:04:19,792
- No, no, I'm the parent.
- Oh!
110
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,041
I'm the parent who has to
worry about all the things.
111
00:04:22,042 --> 00:04:23,541
- I gotta worry about getting the food...
- No.
112
00:04:23,542 --> 00:04:25,917
...preparing the food,
and then giving it to you...
113
00:04:25,918 --> 00:04:30,124
No, you're the little baby who
won't tell Daddy what happened.
114
00:04:30,125 --> 00:04:33,875
- Please leave, sir.
- With pleasure.
115
00:04:33,876 --> 00:04:36,166
All right, fine.
116
00:04:36,167 --> 00:04:38,541
I'm coming! Bye.
117
00:04:38,542 --> 00:04:40,208
- We gotta go.
- What?
118
00:04:40,209 --> 00:04:44,166
Yeah, Susie's little sister
didn't come home last night.
119
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:45,999
- Little sister?
- You know, she's part of that
120
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,166
big sister, little sister
mentoring program.
121
00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:49,667
- Oh.
- The girl's staying with us,
122
00:04:49,668 --> 00:04:51,541
and she didn't come
home last night.
123
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:54,276
- Can I help you with anything?
- No, we're good. We're leaving.
124
00:04:54,277 --> 00:04:56,999
That whole disturbance thing
threw us for a loop.
125
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,708
Well, yeah,
I'm taking care of it.
126
00:04:58,709 --> 00:05:01,209
We're too disturbed
to eat right now.
127
00:05:03,626 --> 00:05:06,249
Wow, look at this thing.
128
00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:07,625
New Tesla.
129
00:05:07,626 --> 00:05:09,249
- Nice.
- Yeah.
130
00:05:09,250 --> 00:05:11,083
- Whose is it?
- Ted.
131
00:05:11,084 --> 00:05:12,708
Holy cow.
132
00:05:12,709 --> 00:05:15,249
She didn't come home. I don't
know where the hell she is.
133
00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:17,583
I've called everybody.
What can I do?
134
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:21,541
- Oh, finally. Jeff, she's not back!
- I know, I'm sorry.
135
00:05:21,542 --> 00:05:22,832
Come here,
I wanna show you the tapes.
136
00:05:22,833 --> 00:05:23,833
Hi, Ted Danson.
137
00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:25,208
Yeah, it's me, asshole.
138
00:05:25,209 --> 00:05:27,875
Okay?
It's my fatwa disguise.
139
00:05:27,876 --> 00:05:30,708
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
140
00:05:30,709 --> 00:05:33,625
He was at the hotel.
141
00:05:33,626 --> 00:05:36,500
I'm sorry, were you just at a
hotel in the Marina, following us?
142
00:05:36,501 --> 00:05:38,917
- You were following us, weren't you?
- I was not following you.
143
00:05:38,918 --> 00:05:42,083
I was in the hotel.
That's where I was hiding.
144
00:05:42,084 --> 00:05:43,541
Why didn't you say hi?
145
00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:45,999
I was going to, but I had
to talk to the hotel manager
146
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,416
about the pickle jar.
147
00:05:47,417 --> 00:05:49,166
- The pickle jar?
- The pickle jar.
148
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:51,041
Yeah, everybody wants
to open a pickle jar.
149
00:05:51,042 --> 00:05:53,375
- Don't you wanna open a pickle jar?
- Okay.
150
00:05:53,376 --> 00:05:55,349
Could you get me some
sparkling water, please?
151
00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:56,550
Yes.
152
00:05:56,751 --> 00:05:58,999
Oh, and T, can you get
a lemon with that, please?
153
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,625
T? Oh, "T"?
154
00:06:01,626 --> 00:06:05,041
- What is that? It's unseemly.
- It's short for Ted.
155
00:06:05,042 --> 00:06:06,708
You never gave me
any little nicknames.
156
00:06:06,709 --> 00:06:08,917
Could've called me L.
You didn't call me L.
157
00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:10,416
You didn't call me D.
158
00:06:10,417 --> 00:06:12,291
You could've
called me "Elvid."
159
00:06:12,292 --> 00:06:14,208
- I'm sorry, "Elvid"?
- Yeah, "Elvid."
160
00:06:14,209 --> 00:06:15,999
- As a term of endearment?
- Yeah.
161
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,458
Like, "Let's spoon, Elvid"?
162
00:06:18,459 --> 00:06:20,124
- Yeah, "Elvid."
- Okay.
163
00:06:20,125 --> 00:06:21,667
You know what? Enough with
this bullshit, all right?
164
00:06:21,668 --> 00:06:23,625
Enough with the nicknames.
Nobody gives a shit.
165
00:06:23,626 --> 00:06:26,124
We're looking for my little
sister. We have to find her.
166
00:06:26,125 --> 00:06:27,833
She's 15.
How do you know she's gone?
167
00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,500
She's probably
at her boyfriend's house.
168
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:31,249
She doesn't have a boyfriend.
169
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:35,041
This kid, Larry, oh!
She is so talented.
170
00:06:35,042 --> 00:06:36,916
You think Sammi was
talented at her age?
171
00:06:36,917 --> 00:06:37,917
No, I don't.
172
00:06:37,918 --> 00:06:39,249
Oh, stop it! Look at this.
173
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:41,124
Look at this tape.
Look at that dancing.
174
00:06:41,125 --> 00:06:43,291
Huh? Is that amaz...
look at her, oh.
175
00:06:43,292 --> 00:06:44,917
Got attitude.
176
00:06:44,918 --> 00:06:46,291
It's wonderful.
Okay, I've seen plenty.
177
00:06:46,292 --> 00:06:47,291
Thank you, I got it.
178
00:06:47,292 --> 00:06:48,500
I get it. I got it.
179
00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,124
What do you get?
You don't get shit.
180
00:06:50,125 --> 00:06:52,375
- I got it.
- All right, we gotta find the kid!
181
00:06:52,376 --> 00:06:53,499
What, do you want me to watch
the whole dance recital?
182
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,750
Yes, I do, all right?
183
00:06:54,751 --> 00:06:56,874
We're gonna form a search
party and find her.
184
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:57,875
A search party?
185
00:06:57,876 --> 00:07:00,291
What are we, in Tulsa,
Oklahoma, in 1870?
186
00:07:00,292 --> 00:07:01,750
Find her! Let's go.
187
00:07:01,751 --> 00:07:03,166
- Everybody, split up.
- Yes.
188
00:07:03,167 --> 00:07:05,041
Let's go. Split up.
189
00:07:05,042 --> 00:07:06,458
I thought you were
okay with this.
190
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,583
- What's going on, man?
- Hey, do me a favor.
191
00:07:08,584 --> 00:07:09,333
Yeah.
192
00:07:09,334 --> 00:07:11,333
Can I look for the kid
in your Tesla?
193
00:07:11,334 --> 00:07:12,458
I'd like to drive it.
194
00:07:12,459 --> 00:07:14,333
- All right, okay.
- Thanks, T.
195
00:07:30,501 --> 00:07:32,958
Come on.
196
00:07:37,376 --> 00:07:38,542
What?
197
00:07:40,751 --> 00:07:43,166
- What?
- I don't appreciate that beep, sir.
198
00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:46,208
Oh, well, you know,
the light had turned green
199
00:07:46,209 --> 00:07:47,708
and I gave you time.
200
00:07:47,709 --> 00:07:49,416
You must've drifted off
or something.
201
00:07:49,417 --> 00:07:51,375
- No, I didn't drift.
- Were you daydreaming?
202
00:07:51,376 --> 00:07:54,041
No, I was doing important
police business.
203
00:07:54,042 --> 00:07:56,208
Well, with all due respect,
a green light is not the time
204
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,875
to be doing police business.
205
00:07:57,876 --> 00:07:59,625
Sir, I don't appreciate
206
00:07:59,626 --> 00:08:01,083
the aggressiveness of the beep.
207
00:08:01,084 --> 00:08:02,667
Oh, yeah, well, you know what?
208
00:08:02,668 --> 00:08:05,500
This is my friend's car
and I'm not really attuned
209
00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:08,041
to the subtleties
of the horn yet.
210
00:08:08,042 --> 00:08:11,583
It was merely just a reminder beep,
a subtle way of telling you,
211
00:08:11,584 --> 00:08:13,041
"Time to go.
212
00:08:13,042 --> 00:08:15,541
Let's get moving. Move it on."
213
00:08:15,542 --> 00:08:17,375
License and registration,
please.
214
00:08:17,376 --> 00:08:19,416
- I'm gonna write you a ticket.
- A ticket?
215
00:08:19,417 --> 00:08:22,041
It was a bad decision on your
part to honk at a police officer.
216
00:08:22,042 --> 00:08:23,708
Oh, what... why?
Are you above the beep?
217
00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:25,999
Absolutely. I'm a police officer.
I protect your rights.
218
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,667
My rights to beep.
219
00:08:27,668 --> 00:08:29,291
- That's one of my rights.
- Yeah, but you don't...
220
00:08:29,292 --> 00:08:30,667
Beeping, that's a right.
221
00:08:30,668 --> 00:08:32,541
That's America.
We're allowed to beep.
222
00:08:32,542 --> 00:08:34,124
Yeah? Well, I'm allowed
to write this ticket.
223
00:08:34,125 --> 00:08:35,750
Good. Write it.
224
00:08:35,751 --> 00:08:37,166
You getting smart with me, boy?
225
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,583
I'm not getting smart.
I am smart, by the way.
226
00:08:39,584 --> 00:08:40,999
- I'm smart.
- Yeah.
227
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,083
And of course I'll be
protesting this ticket.
228
00:08:43,084 --> 00:08:45,917
I hope you enjoy
your day in court.
229
00:08:45,918 --> 00:08:48,917
Here you go. Have a nice day.
230
00:08:48,918 --> 00:08:50,541
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
231
00:08:50,542 --> 00:08:53,458
You made my day.
No one's above the beep.
232
00:08:53,459 --> 00:08:55,875
No one!
233
00:09:04,793 --> 00:09:06,792
- Mm.
- They're not coming.
234
00:09:06,793 --> 00:09:07,626
No.
235
00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:12,291
- They're not coming.
- No.
236
00:09:12,292 --> 00:09:15,750
Not even a text.
237
00:09:15,751 --> 00:09:17,958
You know why? They're afraid
to be on the text chain.
238
00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:19,416
- Yep.
- 'Cause of the fatwa.
239
00:09:19,417 --> 00:09:20,999
Mm-hmm.
240
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,083
That's fucked up.
241
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:25,875
They are really showing
their true colors.
242
00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:27,291
They don't have no colors.
243
00:09:27,292 --> 00:09:29,458
They're white.
There's no fucking color.
244
00:09:29,459 --> 00:09:31,291
I should just have
over black friends.
245
00:09:31,292 --> 00:09:34,249
If you want, I'll go over
there and fuck somebody ass up.
246
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:35,792
I'll take Swat over there.
247
00:09:35,793 --> 00:09:37,792
I seen Swat kick
a motherfucker one night
248
00:09:37,793 --> 00:09:40,667
and broke his fucking
back like this.
249
00:09:40,668 --> 00:09:43,124
He turned that motherfucker
into a human wallet.
250
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,375
What did the guy do?
251
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,500
Motherfucker
started mumbling.
252
00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:48,500
The one thing
you don't wanna do
253
00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:51,291
around Swat is to speak
under your breath.
254
00:09:51,292 --> 00:09:54,500
I can't mumble at all?
I like to mumble.
255
00:09:54,501 --> 00:09:56,333
Don't mumble about him.
256
00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:57,500
Hey, let me ask
you a question.
257
00:09:57,501 --> 00:09:59,667
Have you seen my sunglasses?
258
00:09:59,668 --> 00:10:01,583
My... you know,
my Dr. Strangelove sunglasses?
259
00:10:01,584 --> 00:10:03,833
I know what you're talking about,
but, no, I haven't seen them.
260
00:10:03,834 --> 00:10:06,500
I've been looking all over
for them. I love those glasses.
261
00:10:08,292 --> 00:10:09,500
Swat, God damn!
262
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,083
What the fuck's
going on in there, man?
263
00:10:11,084 --> 00:10:13,416
I'm cooking, man.
Nothing going on. Just cooking.
264
00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:14,833
You're causing
a fucking disturbance.
265
00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:16,667
Yeah, yeah, you're
making a disturbance.
266
00:10:16,668 --> 00:10:18,958
This ain't no disturbance.
I'm cooking chicken spaghetti.
267
00:10:18,959 --> 00:10:21,375
No, it's not up to you to say
whether it's a disturbance or not.
268
00:10:21,376 --> 00:10:23,917
We're the ones being disturbed.
It's our call.
269
00:10:23,918 --> 00:10:26,375
Yeah. No, he wasn't making
a fucking disturbance, was he?
270
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:28,958
- That's not a disturbance.
- What the fuck you say?
271
00:10:28,959 --> 00:10:32,625
Oh... no, it's his turn
to deal.
272
00:10:32,626 --> 00:10:34,375
We're playing War.
273
00:10:34,376 --> 00:10:37,375
We're playing cards.
274
00:10:37,376 --> 00:10:40,541
I just fucking told you,
don't talk under your breath.
275
00:10:40,542 --> 00:10:42,792
You wanna get fucked up?
276
00:10:42,793 --> 00:10:46,458
Okay, well, this is
the coup de grĂ¢ce.
277
00:10:46,459 --> 00:10:50,333
They canceled golf
on Saturday.
278
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:53,291
Oh, man, I can't live
like this anymore.
279
00:10:53,292 --> 00:10:54,584
I just can't.
280
00:10:57,959 --> 00:11:00,376
There's only one man
who could help me.
281
00:11:10,084 --> 00:11:12,416
- Yes?
- Yeah, it's Larry David.
282
00:11:19,584 --> 00:11:20,917
- Mr. David?
- Yes, sir.
283
00:11:20,918 --> 00:11:24,249
We've been expecting you.
Please come in.
284
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,876
Okay.
285
00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:31,918
And if you'd follow me.
286
00:11:34,959 --> 00:11:36,250
This way.
287
00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:43,583
Mr. David is here now, sir.
288
00:11:43,584 --> 00:11:47,166
Oh, Mr. David, come in.
Please have a seat.
289
00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:49,500
Thank you. Thank you for
seeing me, Mr. Rushdie.
290
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:52,416
- No, call me Salman.
- It's not "Salmon"?
291
00:11:52,417 --> 00:11:53,483
"Saul-mahn."
292
00:11:53,484 --> 00:11:56,083
Salman? There's an accent
on the second syllable.
293
00:11:56,084 --> 00:11:59,124
Exactly. Now, tell me
why you're here.
294
00:11:59,125 --> 00:12:02,958
Oh, well, I'm sure you, uh...
you've heard about...
295
00:12:02,959 --> 00:12:04,208
Yeah, I heard
about your problem.
296
00:12:04,209 --> 00:12:05,958
And I thought
if there's anybody
297
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:08,750
who could understand what
I'm going through, it's you.
298
00:12:08,751 --> 00:12:10,792
And to tell you the truth,
I'm at my wit's end.
299
00:12:10,793 --> 00:12:14,041
Let me tell you something.
It took me a long time.
300
00:12:14,042 --> 00:12:16,708
It took me maybe several years
301
00:12:16,709 --> 00:12:19,500
to get to the point that I'm
going to talk to you about now.
302
00:12:19,501 --> 00:12:21,041
I want to give you a shortcut,
303
00:12:21,042 --> 00:12:23,625
which is that, yeah,
it is all those things.
304
00:12:23,626 --> 00:12:27,041
It can be scary, it can be
bewildering, et cetera.
305
00:12:27,042 --> 00:12:30,333
But there are things
that you gain.
306
00:12:30,334 --> 00:12:31,875
There are a lot of women
307
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:35,792
who are attracted to you
in this condition.
308
00:12:35,793 --> 00:12:37,833
Really? I didn't think
there was any condition
309
00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:40,376
- that they'd be attracted to me.
- You are a dangerous man.
310
00:12:41,626 --> 00:12:43,583
There are very beautiful women
311
00:12:43,584 --> 00:12:45,208
who like that.
312
00:12:45,209 --> 00:12:46,917
- Really?
- Yeah.
313
00:12:46,918 --> 00:12:48,416
Even with me they would like it?
314
00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:49,833
It's not exactly you;
315
00:12:49,834 --> 00:12:52,708
it's the fatwa
wrapped around you.
316
00:12:52,709 --> 00:12:54,500
Like kind of sexy pixie dust.
317
00:12:54,501 --> 00:12:55,333
Huh!
318
00:12:55,334 --> 00:12:58,333
But you have to stop
acting like a wuss.
319
00:12:58,334 --> 00:13:02,208
I mean, look at you. You look
like a person trying to hide.
320
00:13:02,209 --> 00:13:04,416
- That's exactly right.
- That is not sexy.
321
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:09,083
Be a man, stop this,
and fatwa sex will follow.
322
00:13:09,084 --> 00:13:12,792
- Fatwa sex?
- The best sex there is.
323
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,708
- Wow!
- Yes.
324
00:13:14,709 --> 00:13:17,083
What about the fatwa itself?
I don't...
325
00:13:17,084 --> 00:13:19,833
You know, you've survived
many, many years now.
326
00:13:19,834 --> 00:13:21,625
Well, it's, you know...
it's there.
327
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,541
- Yeah.
- But fuck it.
328
00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:25,750
Mm, yeah, the
"fuck it" philosophy.
329
00:13:25,751 --> 00:13:27,917
It's a tough one.
I've tried it with orthotics.
330
00:13:27,918 --> 00:13:29,708
It didn't really
work very well.
331
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,375
No, no, you're... look,
you're being pathetic.
332
00:13:31,376 --> 00:13:33,375
- Let me help you.
- What?
333
00:13:33,376 --> 00:13:35,875
There. Now, look,
there you are.
334
00:13:35,876 --> 00:13:38,166
You're a man of danger.
335
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:41,792
The fatwa sex is beginning
to circle around you,
336
00:13:41,793 --> 00:13:43,249
so be a man now.
337
00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:46,249
Let's go out,
get a bite to eat.
338
00:13:46,250 --> 00:13:47,501
Trust me.
339
00:13:50,042 --> 00:13:51,875
Let's eat!
340
00:13:51,876 --> 00:13:55,249
That's my boy.
341
00:13:56,918 --> 00:13:58,625
Hello. Table for two, please.
342
00:13:58,626 --> 00:14:01,083
Of course, Mr. Rushdie.
Hello, Mr. David.
343
00:14:08,793 --> 00:14:11,708
Turn around, turn around.
344
00:14:11,709 --> 00:14:13,625
- Look.
- Oh. It's him.
345
00:14:13,626 --> 00:14:15,250
Oh, my God.
346
00:14:19,417 --> 00:14:21,667
And your server will be
right with you guys.
347
00:14:21,668 --> 00:14:23,833
- Thank you.
- Sure.
348
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:26,875
Okay, so, you see?
It's not so bad.
349
00:14:26,876 --> 00:14:30,541
Yeah, I'm in a restaurant
having... having lunch.
350
00:14:30,542 --> 00:14:32,708
You're not behind
some stupid mask.
351
00:14:32,709 --> 00:14:35,750
You can go in a supermarket,
go to a ball game.
352
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:39,083
- You'll be a person.
- You know what?
353
00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:40,458
I'm feeling a lot
better about things.
354
00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:41,792
Now, tell me something.
355
00:14:41,793 --> 00:14:43,917
This musical,
it's about me, right?
356
00:14:43,918 --> 00:14:46,708
- Yes.
- So, I mean, I'm interested.
357
00:14:46,709 --> 00:14:48,333
Who have you got playing me?
358
00:14:48,334 --> 00:14:51,708
Oh, well, of course, now,
because of this whole fatwa thing,
359
00:14:51,709 --> 00:14:53,124
it's probably not gonna happen.
360
00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:55,291
But the guy I had in mind
361
00:14:55,292 --> 00:14:59,249
was actually Jason Alexander.
362
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:01,958
You mean, like,
"George" Jason Alexander?
363
00:15:01,959 --> 00:15:04,291
No, you know, that was just
a character that he played.
364
00:15:04,292 --> 00:15:06,875
- Ja... you know...
- There's no remote resemblance.
365
00:15:06,876 --> 00:15:09,792
I mean, he's short.
He's a lot shorter than me.
366
00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:11,583
He's not... a lot shorter?
What?
367
00:15:11,584 --> 00:15:14,124
- He's not that much shorter.
- Inches.
368
00:15:14,125 --> 00:15:16,083
Hmm. Well, who are you
thinking about?
369
00:15:16,084 --> 00:15:18,083
I'm thinking about,
you know, Hugh Jackman.
370
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,291
- That's good.
- Hugh Jackman?
371
00:15:20,292 --> 00:15:23,166
- Yeah, he's a triple threat.
- Are you out of your fucking mind?
372
00:15:23,167 --> 00:15:24,999
He can sing,
he can dance, he can act.
373
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,583
- Yeah.
- He could totally play me.
374
00:15:26,584 --> 00:15:29,083
I think you're delusional.
Anyway, it's all moot.
375
00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:31,166
What's the difference, you know?
It's not gonna happen.
376
00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:32,458
All right, well,
that's a relief.
377
00:15:32,459 --> 00:15:33,583
It's too bad, too,
378
00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:35,667
because what you said
about fatwa sex?
379
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:36,917
- Yes.
- Oh, my God.
380
00:15:36,918 --> 00:15:38,667
I would've put that
right in the show.
381
00:15:38,668 --> 00:15:41,708
- That is so perfect.
- But that is not the only benefit.
382
00:15:41,709 --> 00:15:44,500
For example, you don't
have to go to anything
383
00:15:44,501 --> 00:15:45,833
you don't want to go to.
384
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,625
- Hmm.
- So, like, your cousin
385
00:15:47,626 --> 00:15:51,833
is giving a reading
of his lousy poetry book,
386
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:53,875
and you say,
"Sorry, can't make it.
387
00:15:53,876 --> 00:15:55,625
- Fatwa."
- Fatwa.
388
00:15:55,626 --> 00:15:58,458
Somebody calls you, says,
"Can you come pick me up at the airport?"
389
00:15:58,459 --> 00:16:00,999
You say, "Can't make it.
Fatwa. Can't make it."
390
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,999
This is a fatwa
"Life of Riley."
391
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,917
- Yeah, with added death threats.
- With the death threats, yeah.
392
00:16:05,918 --> 00:16:09,625
You know what's happening?
I'm feeling, uh, pretty good.
393
00:16:09,626 --> 00:16:11,917
Pretty, pretty good.
394
00:16:11,918 --> 00:16:14,584
Compliments of the lady.
395
00:16:19,042 --> 00:16:21,208
Oh, my God.
396
00:16:21,209 --> 00:16:24,458
- You know who that is?
- That's Elizabeth Banks, my friend.
397
00:16:24,459 --> 00:16:26,124
She sent you a drink.
398
00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:27,833
This is what
I'm talking about.
399
00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:29,542
Here it is, right here.
400
00:16:31,709 --> 00:16:33,708
Salman, this is...
this is unbelievable.
401
00:16:33,709 --> 00:16:35,875
So don't talk to me.
What are you talking to me for?
402
00:16:35,876 --> 00:16:38,041
Go talk to her.
403
00:16:38,042 --> 00:16:40,042
Do this. Go for it.
404
00:16:47,709 --> 00:16:48,917
- Hello.
- Hi.
405
00:16:48,918 --> 00:16:51,166
Cheers. May I join you?
406
00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:53,875
- Yes.
- Although, I should warn you
407
00:16:53,876 --> 00:16:57,124
that it might be...
it might be a bit dangerous.
408
00:16:57,125 --> 00:16:58,792
- Really? Tell us all about that.
- Yes.
409
00:16:58,793 --> 00:17:02,249
- Is that Salman Rushdie?
- Yes, that's Salman.
410
00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:05,583
We're the, uh...
we're the fatwa boys.
411
00:17:05,584 --> 00:17:07,999
I just can't believe
you're out and about.
412
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,291
- In broad daylight.
- What am I gonna do, Elizabeth?
413
00:17:10,292 --> 00:17:13,750
Look, I'm not gonna walk around
with a mustache and a wig.
414
00:17:13,751 --> 00:17:15,917
- Right?
- Yes, you just face the world.
415
00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:16,917
Absolutely!
416
00:17:16,918 --> 00:17:18,708
Hello, ladies, I'm the manager.
417
00:17:18,709 --> 00:17:22,083
I really apologize about
your lunch being late.
418
00:17:22,084 --> 00:17:24,249
There was a disturbance
in the kitchen.
419
00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:26,667
- Ah. What kind of disturbance?
- He's not gonna tell you.
420
00:17:26,668 --> 00:17:28,958
- I am about to tell her.
- Yeah, sure, go ahead.
421
00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:31,124
Yes, we have a very big kitchen,
422
00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:32,875
and we're moving forward now,
423
00:17:32,876 --> 00:17:35,083
and we're going to get
your meal right away.
424
00:17:35,084 --> 00:17:36,058
Can't wait.
425
00:17:36,059 --> 00:17:38,458
He hasn't told you one thing
about the disturbance, has he?
426
00:17:38,459 --> 00:17:40,291
He hasn't... you didn't tell
her about the disturbance,
427
00:17:40,292 --> 00:17:41,625
- just like last time.
- I believe I did.
428
00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:43,291
I've ticked all the boxes...
429
00:17:43,292 --> 00:17:45,041
- You didn't tick one box.
- ...of the disturbance.
430
00:17:45,042 --> 00:17:47,291
You didn't tick a box.
The boxes are empty.
431
00:17:47,292 --> 00:17:48,458
I beg to differ.
432
00:17:48,459 --> 00:17:50,291
Let's get on to that
delicious lunch.
433
00:17:50,292 --> 00:17:52,208
All right, thank you.
434
00:17:52,209 --> 00:17:54,416
- Thank you. Thank you.
- It's okay.
435
00:17:54,417 --> 00:17:57,626
I wanna know everything there
is to know about Larry David.
436
00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:07,500
- To the fatwa boys.
- To the fatwa boys.
437
00:18:09,042 --> 00:18:11,500
He completely changed my
outlook on this whole thing.
438
00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:12,999
At the end of the conversation,
439
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,166
he got up, he ripped off my wig,
440
00:18:15,167 --> 00:18:17,667
and said, "Come on,
we're going out to lunch."
441
00:18:17,668 --> 00:18:19,291
- Unbelievable!
- Welcome. Welcome back.
442
00:18:19,292 --> 00:18:20,833
- Look at you, you're back to normal.
- Yeah.
443
00:18:20,834 --> 00:18:22,958
- Yes.
- I like the other look better.
444
00:18:22,959 --> 00:18:24,999
Ooh, you know what?
She's better every day.
445
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,416
Pretty good. Anyway, Elizabeth
Banks sent a drink to my table.
446
00:18:29,417 --> 00:18:30,792
Oh, my God, I love her.
447
00:18:30,793 --> 00:18:32,833
- Oh, she's fantastic.
- She's fantastic.
448
00:18:32,834 --> 00:18:35,875
- I know. I went over to her table.
- Oh, bullshit.
449
00:18:35,876 --> 00:18:39,166
We had a lovely conversation,
and I saw her last night.
450
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:42,458
- She's not interested in you, Larry.
- She's swooning.
451
00:18:42,459 --> 00:18:44,249
- She's swooning?
- She's swooning over me.
452
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:45,875
- You're delusional.
- Do you know why?
453
00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:47,667
- Because I'm dangerous, Susie.
- Yeah.
454
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,333
What the hell are you
doing here, anyway?
455
00:18:49,334 --> 00:18:51,375
I think I might've left
my sunglasses here.
456
00:18:51,376 --> 00:18:53,208
You know, the Dr. Strangelove
glasses?
457
00:18:53,209 --> 00:18:54,541
Yeah, would you mind
looking for them?
458
00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:55,875
Yeah, I would mind
looking for them.
459
00:18:55,876 --> 00:18:57,708
I'm busy looking
for a little girl.
460
00:18:57,709 --> 00:19:00,041
All right, well,
when you're outside,
461
00:19:00,042 --> 00:19:02,458
you look for Katie,
and when you're inside,
462
00:19:02,459 --> 00:19:05,458
eh... you look
for the sunglasses.
463
00:19:05,459 --> 00:19:07,708
You could do both.
It's like Jeff's Cubs hat.
464
00:19:07,709 --> 00:19:08,833
Have you found
your Cubs hat?
465
00:19:08,834 --> 00:19:10,208
No, I have not.
466
00:19:10,209 --> 00:19:11,875
I'm sure if you ran across
Jeff's Cubs hat,
467
00:19:11,876 --> 00:19:13,124
you would call it
to his attention.
468
00:19:13,125 --> 00:19:14,667
Same thing with
the sunglasses.
469
00:19:14,668 --> 00:19:16,533
That's all I'm asking.
470
00:19:16,534 --> 00:19:17,933
- Excuse me. I don't give a shit
- ...that's all.
471
00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:19,040
about Jeff's Cubs hat...
472
00:19:19,042 --> 00:19:21,500
...about your
Dr. Strangelove glasses.
473
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:23,875
I care about this kid,
my little sister.
474
00:19:23,876 --> 00:19:26,166
Just keep it in the
back of your mind.
475
00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:29,541
Look, I've got Katie
in the back of my mind.
476
00:19:29,542 --> 00:19:32,833
I've got the sunglasses up front,
Katie's in the back.
477
00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:34,792
- That's so wrong, Larry.
- But it's always in the back.
478
00:19:34,793 --> 00:19:36,708
Katie should be in the
front for both of you.
479
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,750
She's not an inanimate object.
480
00:19:38,751 --> 00:19:41,124
Okay, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do for you.
481
00:19:41,125 --> 00:19:43,917
I'm gonna move Katie all
the way up to the front.
482
00:19:43,918 --> 00:19:46,291
I'm gonna give her equal
footing with the sunglasses.
483
00:19:46,292 --> 00:19:47,667
Both in front of my mind.
484
00:19:47,668 --> 00:19:49,750
Where's my Cubs hat
in this scenario?
485
00:19:49,751 --> 00:19:51,999
I can't handle
three in the front.
486
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,291
It's too much. It's overload.
487
00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:56,416
I'll move Katie
back two paces.
488
00:19:56,417 --> 00:19:58,792
I'm gonna move your
Cubs hat to the front.
489
00:19:58,793 --> 00:19:59,958
That works perfect.
490
00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:02,291
You two have no compassion,
491
00:20:02,292 --> 00:20:04,917
have no caring about
another human being.
492
00:20:04,918 --> 00:20:06,583
There's some partial
truth to that.
493
00:20:06,584 --> 00:20:08,958
- Yeah.
- It's an illness, for sure.
494
00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:12,249
I don't know why I have it,
but I... I definitely do.
495
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:14,041
Maybe that's her.
496
00:20:14,042 --> 00:20:16,249
- This is fucking nuts.
- Oh, Ted!
497
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:18,083
She's still gone.
498
00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:20,083
- No, she's still gone.
- You're living the life now.
499
00:20:20,084 --> 00:20:21,583
- Oh, my God, I love her.
- Bless your heart.
500
00:20:21,584 --> 00:20:22,833
- You poor thing.
- By the way,
501
00:20:22,834 --> 00:20:24,625
that car of yours
got me a ticket.
502
00:20:24,626 --> 00:20:25,525
How?
503
00:20:25,526 --> 00:20:29,625
I was at a stoplight
and I beeped a cop.
504
00:20:29,626 --> 00:20:31,541
What's that have to do
with my car?
505
00:20:31,542 --> 00:20:34,875
Because your horn cannot hit the subtle
notes required in the art of beeping.
506
00:20:34,876 --> 00:20:37,124
- A beep's a beep.
- A beep is not a beep.
507
00:20:37,125 --> 00:20:39,625
I'm telling you, that horn is
gonna get you in a lot of trouble.
508
00:20:39,626 --> 00:20:40,750
Mark my words.
509
00:20:40,751 --> 00:20:42,083
So, how much is a beep ticket?
510
00:20:42,084 --> 00:20:43,249
$275.
511
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:44,583
Wow. Are you gonna pay it?
512
00:20:44,584 --> 00:20:46,834
No. I'm fighting it.
513
00:20:49,209 --> 00:20:50,458
I mean, Your Honor,
514
00:20:50,459 --> 00:20:51,999
I don't even know why I'm here.
515
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,999
There should be no such
thing as a ticket for this.
516
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,333
It's our inalienable
right to beep.
517
00:20:56,334 --> 00:20:58,583
Without the freedom to beep,
518
00:20:58,584 --> 00:21:01,458
we are no better than
the beasts in the field.
519
00:21:01,459 --> 00:21:03,999
And I'm not talking
about the common chicken.
520
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,875
I'm talking about the mighty
oxen and the donkey...
521
00:21:06,876 --> 00:21:08,708
- Donkey.
- ...with his floppy ears,
522
00:21:08,709 --> 00:21:13,375
...his pea-brain and his stolid,
slack-jawed gaze.
523
00:21:13,376 --> 00:21:16,500
A revolting creature,
if there ever was one...
524
00:21:16,501 --> 00:21:18,833
- O-okay. Okay, all right.
- ...who walked the earth!
525
00:21:18,834 --> 00:21:21,917
That's enough of that talk about
donkeys and field chickens.
526
00:21:21,918 --> 00:21:23,583
I've got more
about the donkeys...
527
00:21:23,584 --> 00:21:24,958
That's enough.
528
00:21:24,959 --> 00:21:27,583
All right,
so, Officer Jenkins,
529
00:21:27,584 --> 00:21:29,541
you have been in this
courtroom many times.
530
00:21:29,542 --> 00:21:31,291
How many of those cases
has been because
531
00:21:31,292 --> 00:21:34,458
someone has beeped you?
532
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,124
Never, Your Honor.
533
00:21:36,125 --> 00:21:38,208
- Not once.
- A feather in my cap.
534
00:21:38,209 --> 00:21:39,917
I'm a first to beep a cop.
535
00:21:39,918 --> 00:21:41,792
I'm a pioneer, Your Honor.
536
00:21:41,793 --> 00:21:43,833
In the mold of a Rosa Parks.
537
00:21:43,834 --> 00:21:46,416
- Wow. Huh.
- In the mold of a Jackie Robinson.
538
00:21:46,417 --> 00:21:49,166
Mm-hmm. Anyone else
you're in the mold of?
539
00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:52,750
Maybe a Martin Luther King
or a Malcolm X?
540
00:21:52,751 --> 00:21:53,999
Harriet Tubman?
541
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,416
Yes, Harriet Tubman.
542
00:21:55,417 --> 00:21:57,124
Although I'm not quite sure
what she did,
543
00:21:57,125 --> 00:21:59,625
I have a feeling she was
in the pioneer family.
544
00:21:59,626 --> 00:22:00,958
All right,
so do you think that...
545
00:22:00,959 --> 00:22:02,583
I'm sorry, could you
just take a step back?
546
00:22:02,584 --> 00:22:05,208
- You're in the well right now.
- Oh, am I in the well?
547
00:22:05,209 --> 00:22:08,541
- Yeah, that would be called a well.
- Oh, sorry.
548
00:22:08,542 --> 00:22:10,583
Somebody could've told me
about the well, frankly.
549
00:22:10,584 --> 00:22:12,458
I was talking
to you outside.
550
00:22:12,459 --> 00:22:14,333
You never mentioned anything.
Wouldn't have killed you.
551
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:17,333
I think we need to get back
to you beeping right now.
552
00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:19,875
Your Honor, may I offer
you a cough drop?
553
00:22:19,876 --> 00:22:21,750
You know, you're a judge,
you're talking a lot,
554
00:22:21,751 --> 00:22:23,375
there are people here
all the time.
555
00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:24,833
You get a sore throat.
Take it.
556
00:22:24,834 --> 00:22:26,416
- Take the cough drop.
- I don't need any.
557
00:22:26,417 --> 00:22:27,750
- Take it for later.
- Yeah, all right.
558
00:22:27,751 --> 00:22:29,416
- Okay? Yeah.
- Thank you for your...
559
00:22:29,417 --> 00:22:31,291
- your warm pocket candy.
- You'll thank me.
560
00:22:31,292 --> 00:22:32,124
Yeah.
561
00:22:32,125 --> 00:22:33,124
You'll be sucking on
that thing, going...
562
00:22:33,125 --> 00:22:34,750
"Boy, that guy in court today
563
00:22:34,751 --> 00:22:36,375
really had something
with that cough drop."
564
00:22:36,376 --> 00:22:39,583
The chances of me putting that
in my mouth are very slim.
565
00:22:39,584 --> 00:22:42,416
Well, if you're not gonna suck on it,
you might as well return it.
566
00:22:42,417 --> 00:22:44,500
I mean what's the point of
taking a coughdrop
567
00:22:44,501 --> 00:22:47,957
from somebody if you're not gonna
suck on it? ...Cause I'll use it.
568
00:22:47,958 --> 00:22:49,958
That may be the first thing
that we've agreed on today.
569
00:22:49,959 --> 00:22:52,708
Now take your unsucked candy
and get back to your desk.
570
00:22:52,709 --> 00:22:54,917
Okay, let the record show I
had a good time in the well.
571
00:22:54,918 --> 00:22:56,792
- Hmm.
- That's all I'm gonna say about it.
572
00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,291
Love the well.
573
00:22:58,292 --> 00:23:01,249
- I'm so glad I came.
- Yeah, yeah, me, too.
574
00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:04,708
- Yeah, I'm really glad, too.
- This is not going the way you wanted it.
575
00:23:04,709 --> 00:23:07,500
Your Honor, are you listening to
what this man is saying over here?
576
00:23:07,501 --> 00:23:10,292
Huh? Did you listen
to one word... yoo-hoo.
577
00:23:11,417 --> 00:23:13,458
Mr. David, did you just...
578
00:23:13,459 --> 00:23:14,917
did you just yoo-hoo me?
579
00:23:14,918 --> 00:23:16,833
I did. I yoo-hooed you.
580
00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:18,792
You weren't paying attention,
so I yoo-hooed.
581
00:23:18,793 --> 00:23:21,041
Right, so you decided
it was okay to yoo-hoo.
582
00:23:21,042 --> 00:23:23,041
Oh, you can't
yoo-hoo a judge?
583
00:23:23,042 --> 00:23:27,208
You most certainly cannot
yoo-hoo a judge.
584
00:23:27,209 --> 00:23:29,125
I'm affirming the citation.
585
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,124
Very well.
I will pay your citation.
586
00:23:34,125 --> 00:23:35,792
But I cannot leave
this courtroom
587
00:23:35,793 --> 00:23:38,833
without telling you that a grave
injustice has been done here,
588
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:41,041
for I'm not doing this for me;
589
00:23:41,042 --> 00:23:42,917
I did it for you
and you and you.
590
00:23:42,918 --> 00:23:44,583
- Bailiff.
- And all of you.
591
00:23:44,584 --> 00:23:46,333
For we are not donkeys.
592
00:23:46,334 --> 00:23:48,833
Or in Brooklyn, we would say...
593
00:23:48,834 --> 00:23:51,500
we would say "dunkeys"
for some reason. "Dunkeys."
594
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,000
Hey, come on, buddy.
595
00:24:09,668 --> 00:24:13,667
Oh, jeez, that is...
that is loud.
596
00:24:13,668 --> 00:24:15,541
Oh, no. No, no, come on.
597
00:24:15,542 --> 00:24:18,041
No, no, I... I'm sorry.
598
00:24:18,042 --> 00:24:19,249
- Sorry.
- Roll down the window.
599
00:24:19,250 --> 00:24:20,958
That was just a reminder beep.
600
00:24:22,626 --> 00:24:25,375
That was just a reminder beep.
I'm sorry.
601
00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:27,041
Reminder beep?
Reminder for what?
602
00:24:27,042 --> 00:24:28,792
Well, but the light
had changed and...
603
00:24:28,793 --> 00:24:30,708
No, no, that was
an aggressive fucking beep.
604
00:24:30,709 --> 00:24:32,416
It's a new car
and I'm not used
605
00:24:32,417 --> 00:24:33,875
to the subtleties
of the beeps.
606
00:24:33,876 --> 00:24:35,375
No, I don't give a shit.
Come here. Get out here.
607
00:24:35,376 --> 00:24:36,958
Wait, wait, wait!
It's me, Ted Danson.
608
00:24:36,959 --> 00:24:39,542
"Becker," "Cheers,"
anything? Jesus.
609
00:24:41,209 --> 00:24:42,875
- Hi, Lar.
- Oh, hello.
610
00:24:42,876 --> 00:24:46,375
- Oh.
- This is my friend, Elizabeth.
611
00:24:46,376 --> 00:24:47,917
- Hi!
- Hello, Elizabeth.
612
00:24:47,918 --> 00:24:49,667
- Elizabeth Banks.
- Yes!
613
00:24:49,668 --> 00:24:51,166
- Hi.
- This is Susie Greene.
614
00:24:51,167 --> 00:24:53,333
Hi. Oh, what a beautiful
house this is.
615
00:24:53,334 --> 00:24:54,750
Hi, Jeff.
This is Elizabeth Banks.
616
00:24:54,751 --> 00:24:56,708
- So nice to meet you.
- Hi.
617
00:24:56,709 --> 00:24:58,875
- Nice to meet you.
- The man behind the man.
618
00:24:58,876 --> 00:24:59,541
I get it.
619
00:24:59,542 --> 00:25:01,541
Why don't you come inside,
all right?
620
00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:04,583
Okay, okay.
We'll go inside.
621
00:25:04,584 --> 00:25:05,524
Thank you, Elizabeth.
622
00:25:05,525 --> 00:25:07,124
You know, we were just
in the neighborhood
623
00:25:07,125 --> 00:25:08,541
having a little drive.
624
00:25:08,542 --> 00:25:11,249
I heard about
your little sister.
625
00:25:11,250 --> 00:25:13,166
- Yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah.
- It's terrible.
626
00:25:13,167 --> 00:25:16,875
I lost a cat once,
so I know how you're feeling.
627
00:25:16,876 --> 00:25:19,917
With all due respect,
losing a cat
628
00:25:19,918 --> 00:25:21,583
is nothing like
losing a child.
629
00:25:21,584 --> 00:25:23,917
Well, with all due respect,
630
00:25:23,918 --> 00:25:25,999
I mean, that cat was my child.
631
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,249
And this girl, I mean, it sounds
like you kind of barely know her.
632
00:25:29,250 --> 00:25:31,124
I would say I know
her quite well.
633
00:25:31,125 --> 00:25:33,875
She's an underprivileged child
we took into our home,
634
00:25:33,876 --> 00:25:36,375
and she feels like
our own little girl.
635
00:25:36,376 --> 00:25:38,958
Well, Mr. Noodle
was a stray as well,
636
00:25:38,959 --> 00:25:40,708
who I brought in
off the street,
637
00:25:40,709 --> 00:25:43,875
and literally slept on
my bosom for 17 years.
638
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:45,416
Mr. Noodle slept
on your bosom?
639
00:25:45,417 --> 00:25:47,124
- Yeah, he did.
- Yeah.
640
00:25:47,125 --> 00:25:50,166
- He was a stray?
- I know how much you miss this girl.
641
00:25:50,167 --> 00:25:52,583
It's... it's a loss,
for sure.
642
00:25:52,584 --> 00:25:54,167
It's a huge loss,
and she's a human being.
643
00:25:54,567 --> 00:25:55,067
Yeah.
644
00:25:55,068 --> 00:25:57,166
- Flesh and blood.
- Not your flesh and blood.
645
00:25:57,167 --> 00:25:58,633
Not my flesh and blood..
646
00:25:58,634 --> 00:26:00,333
- ..but I don't discriminate.
- No. Someone else's.
647
00:26:00,334 --> 00:26:02,917
I'm happy to tweet
a recent photo of her.
648
00:26:02,918 --> 00:26:04,458
I do have a lot of followers.
649
00:26:04,459 --> 00:26:06,375
I have a video of her dancing.
650
00:26:06,376 --> 00:26:08,291
She's a very talented dancer.
651
00:26:08,292 --> 00:26:10,917
Oh, we should put that on my
social channels or something.
652
00:26:10,918 --> 00:26:12,625
I saw her dance. She's not...
she's not much of a dancer.
653
00:26:12,626 --> 00:26:14,458
Oh, what the fuck
do you know, Larry?
654
00:26:14,459 --> 00:26:16,208
- I saw the tape.
- You know talent? You know dancing?
655
00:26:16,209 --> 00:26:18,333
I saw the tape of the dancing.
I don't wanna get into it.
656
00:26:18,334 --> 00:26:19,833
What was the last dance
program you ever saw?
657
00:26:19,834 --> 00:26:21,625
Did you go to
Martha Graham? No.
658
00:26:21,626 --> 00:26:24,917
Yeah, because I don't like to
go out of my way to be bored.
659
00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:26,667
I could show Elizabeth
right now
660
00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:29,583
a video of her dancing,
which is magnificent.
661
00:26:29,584 --> 00:26:32,249
I'll watch that video
and you can watch
662
00:26:32,250 --> 00:26:34,083
a video of Mr. Noodle
chasing a string.
663
00:26:34,084 --> 00:26:36,375
- All right, enough!
- It is the cutest thing you ever saw.
664
00:26:36,376 --> 00:26:38,541
This is a underprivileged child...
665
00:26:38,542 --> 00:26:40,667
- Oh.
- ...who came into our world.
666
00:26:40,668 --> 00:26:42,541
Look, I just wanna
be helpful, you know?
667
00:26:42,542 --> 00:26:44,875
Elvid told me
about the situation and...
668
00:26:44,876 --> 00:26:46,500
- Who?
- Oh, El...
669
00:26:46,501 --> 00:26:48,249
- She calls me Elvid.
- It's my little...
670
00:26:48,250 --> 00:26:49,833
Why the fuck do you
call him "Elvid"?
671
00:26:49,834 --> 00:26:51,291
- It's my little nickname.
- Nickname.
672
00:26:51,292 --> 00:26:52,958
You know? I like to have...
he calls me Lizzie,
673
00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:54,999
- I call him Elvid.
- Oh, Jesus.
674
00:26:56,626 --> 00:26:57,750
Oh, wait a minute.
675
00:26:57,751 --> 00:26:59,500
A cop car just pulled up, Jeff.
676
00:26:59,501 --> 00:27:00,376
What is that?
677
00:27:02,209 --> 00:27:04,124
Oh, my God, Jeff!
678
00:27:04,125 --> 00:27:06,917
- My little sister!
- I'm really sorry.
679
00:27:06,918 --> 00:27:10,458
- Oh, my God!
- My glasses!
680
00:27:10,459 --> 00:27:11,999
My glasses!
681
00:27:31,668 --> 00:27:34,333
I'm so happy to have you back.
682
00:27:34,334 --> 00:27:35,958
Where'd you find her,
Officer?
683
00:27:35,959 --> 00:27:37,541
- She was at her boyfriend's.
- No, she wasn't.
684
00:27:37,542 --> 00:27:39,749
She doesn't have a boyfriend.
Come on.
685
00:27:39,750 --> 00:27:41,208
- All right.
- You come in. We'll discuss it.
686
00:27:41,209 --> 00:27:44,041
- Bite to eat?
- Love it. Starving.
687
00:27:44,042 --> 00:27:45,876
- Let's do it.
- Great.
688
00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:51,541
That's Jeff's Cubs hat.
689
00:27:51,542 --> 00:27:53,083
You gotta call
the fire department.
690
00:27:53,084 --> 00:27:54,625
The fire department?
691
00:27:54,626 --> 00:27:56,875
That's very dangerous,
Elvid.
692
00:27:56,876 --> 00:27:58,542
I got this, Lizzie.
693
00:28:02,084 --> 00:28:04,041
Wow, Elvid.
694
00:28:04,042 --> 00:28:05,918
Is there nothing
you're afraid of?
695
00:28:11,376 --> 00:28:14,626
Oh, yeah, yeah, yes!
696
00:28:19,542 --> 00:28:22,124
Oh.
697
00:28:22,125 --> 00:28:24,250
- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Okay.
698
00:28:30,876 --> 00:28:33,458
You have an...
an idea for an app?
699
00:28:33,459 --> 00:28:34,875
It's a fantastic idea.
700
00:28:34,876 --> 00:28:36,625
Say I invite you over
for dinner one night.
701
00:28:36,626 --> 00:28:38,291
Okay, I like where
this is going.
702
00:28:39,292 --> 00:28:40,416
And I'm cooking...
703
00:28:40,417 --> 00:28:41,816
- And then?
- I've never done this in my life,
704
00:28:41,817 --> 00:28:43,917
...by the way, but I'm...
it's just all hypothetical.
705
00:28:43,918 --> 00:28:47,249
- I like it.
- So, now when dinner's over,
706
00:28:47,250 --> 00:28:49,924
okay, and there's a big pile
of dishes in the kitchen.
707
00:28:49,925 --> 00:28:50,625
Sure.
708
00:28:50,626 --> 00:28:52,458
We don't wanna deal with that,
right?
709
00:28:52,459 --> 00:28:54,333
Wait till tomorrow.
We've got other things to do.
710
00:28:54,334 --> 00:28:55,875
No, we don't even need
to wait till tomorrow.
711
00:28:55,876 --> 00:28:57,291
- Why?
- I pick up the phone,
712
00:28:57,292 --> 00:28:59,458
I open up the app,
five minutes later,
713
00:28:59,459 --> 00:29:01,291
there's people
doing the dishes.
714
00:29:01,292 --> 00:29:03,708
Excuse me, I'm looking
for a suspect.
715
00:29:03,709 --> 00:29:06,291
He vandalized police property.
Larry David.
716
00:29:06,292 --> 00:29:07,958
Hi, I'm the restaurant
manager.
717
00:29:07,959 --> 00:29:09,249
How may I help you?
718
00:29:09,250 --> 00:29:11,291
Yes, I'm looking
for Larry David.
719
00:29:11,292 --> 00:29:13,999
- Ah, yes, Larry David.
- Yeah, I'm looking for him.
720
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,166
He's one of our more
engaging customers.
721
00:29:17,167 --> 00:29:19,766
They'll be driving all over
the city just like Uber...
722
00:29:19,767 --> 00:29:20,667
Okay. Right.
723
00:29:20,668 --> 00:29:22,625
...and then they'll get
their... their dish call.
724
00:29:22,626 --> 00:29:24,999
I just don't understand how you and
I are getting it on after dinner
725
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,833
if there's a rando stranger
in the house doing the dishes.
726
00:29:27,834 --> 00:29:29,999
Oh, my God.
727
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:34,583
- It's that cop. Come, come, come on!
- Okay, okay.
728
00:29:34,584 --> 00:29:36,333
You're not answering
any of my questions.
729
00:29:36,334 --> 00:29:38,124
Well, I just wanna tell you,
730
00:29:38,125 --> 00:29:43,958
I'm here to support
the men in blue 110%.
731
00:29:43,959 --> 00:29:47,041
Okay, uh, we need a plan.
We gotta come up with a plan.
732
00:29:47,042 --> 00:29:50,124
- What's the story? What do we say?
- Um, okay, here it is.
733
00:29:50,125 --> 00:29:51,999
We went across the street
to buy some lemonade
734
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,500
from these Girl Scouts.
735
00:29:53,501 --> 00:29:54,999
One of the Girl
Scouts is Asian.
736
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,249
It's good to be specific
when you lie.
737
00:29:56,250 --> 00:29:57,333
It's the cornerstone
of a good lie.
738
00:29:57,334 --> 00:29:58,375
- Okay.
- Okay?
739
00:29:58,376 --> 00:29:59,875
And the lemonade
was delicious.
740
00:29:59,876 --> 00:30:01,583
- Yes. I can taste it.
- Delicious lemonade.
741
00:30:01,584 --> 00:30:04,875
Yes, and all of a sudden, a gust
of Santa Ana wind comes along
742
00:30:04,876 --> 00:30:07,875
and knocks the rake off the
roof onto the hood of the car.
743
00:30:07,876 --> 00:30:09,333
- Yes. Okay, I can...
- Got it?
744
00:30:09,334 --> 00:30:10,708
I got it. Yes, of course.
Are you kidding?
745
00:30:10,709 --> 00:30:12,416
I did Shakespeare.
I can handle this.
746
00:30:14,084 --> 00:30:16,875
- Is there a problem?
- Yeah, there's a problem.
747
00:30:16,876 --> 00:30:18,083
You vandalized my car.
748
00:30:18,084 --> 00:30:20,667
- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.
749
00:30:20,668 --> 00:30:25,875
Officer, we were standing
across the street
750
00:30:25,876 --> 00:30:28,375
from your vehicle,
751
00:30:28,376 --> 00:30:33,541
buying some lemonade
from a... a stand.
752
00:30:33,542 --> 00:30:35,540
It's like a, you know,
the wooden with..
753
00:30:35,541 --> 00:30:36,841
- Lemonade stand?
- ..a sign...
754
00:30:36,842 --> 00:30:38,333
..the lemonade stand.
755
00:30:38,334 --> 00:30:40,625
They were the little ones,
the Brownies,
756
00:30:40,626 --> 00:30:43,667
one of whom was Indian.
757
00:30:43,668 --> 00:30:49,667
And we decided that we actually
wanted Arnold Parkers,
758
00:30:49,668 --> 00:30:51,458
- and so...
- Palmers.
759
00:30:51,459 --> 00:30:54,166
- I don't think so.
- Palmer.
760
00:30:54,167 --> 00:30:55,163
Arnold Palmer.
761
00:30:55,163 --> 00:30:57,583
Well, let's leave that
detail for another day.
762
00:30:57,584 --> 00:31:01,249
At any rate,
he went into the house to...
763
00:31:01,250 --> 00:31:01,750
He?
764
00:31:01,751 --> 00:31:04,750
...retrieve the...
yes, there was a man.
765
00:31:04,751 --> 00:31:08,249
An Irishman who went
into the house.
766
00:31:08,250 --> 00:31:10,083
He said...
"I'll go get you...
767
00:31:10,084 --> 00:31:13,917
ye the iced tea
for the Arnold Parker."
768
00:31:13,918 --> 00:31:15,625
And so, while we were waiting
769
00:31:15,626 --> 00:31:19,041
for the Arnolds Palm...
whatever it is.
770
00:31:19,042 --> 00:31:22,208
- Palmer!
- Anyway, a gust of wind came.
771
00:31:22,209 --> 00:31:25,124
- It blew a rake off of the, um..
- The roof!
772
00:31:25,125 --> 00:31:25,625
..roof!
773
00:31:25,626 --> 00:31:28,708
- Off the roof of the house onto the car.
- I was handling it.
774
00:31:28,709 --> 00:31:32,000
Anyway, it blew the rake
off of the roof...
775
00:31:33,292 --> 00:31:38,041
and that's how your car
was damaged.
776
00:31:38,042 --> 00:31:39,875
All right,
you're coming with me.
777
00:31:39,876 --> 00:31:41,291
It landed on your vehicle.
778
00:31:41,292 --> 00:31:42,667
Great! Great performance!
779
00:31:42,668 --> 00:31:44,375
- You're an actress?
- You know what?
780
00:31:44,376 --> 00:31:46,416
That's the worst performance
I've ever seen in my life!
781
00:31:46,417 --> 00:31:48,124
- You!
- It was a bad script, Larry.
782
00:31:48,125 --> 00:31:50,917
- You wrote me a bad script!
- Oh, oh, a gust of wind.
783
00:31:50,918 --> 00:31:52,625
I do better with a little
more preparation.
784
00:31:52,626 --> 00:31:54,124
You should arrest her
for bad acting.
785
00:31:54,125 --> 00:31:56,958
Look, I need a rehearsal.
I'm not a one-take wonder.
786
00:31:56,959 --> 00:31:58,875
- Give me a break.
- Fuck you, Elvid.
787
00:31:58,876 --> 00:32:00,833
Hello?
What the fuck?!
788
00:32:01,834 --> 00:32:03,992
Hi. I'm the manager. Sorry..
789
00:32:03,993 --> 00:32:07,291
- there has been a delay in your meal.
- What's taking so long?
790
00:32:07,292 --> 00:32:11,124
Well, there's been a
disturbance in the kitchen.60676
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