Original subtitles

(funky, upbeat music)

‐ God damn it, he made me miss

for that motherfucking dumb ass investment.

I can't wait til I get on Celebrity Pitch Tank.

I'm about to turn this motherfucker out.

This shit about to be lit, dog

with my brand equity, you feel me?

‐ I guess, man.

‐ [Brandon] Someone needs to put me on this show, dog.

Celebrity Pitch Tank, with my guiding start up,

I'm all kind of shit dog.

you feel what I'm saying, I be killing it.

(phone dings)

(phone dings repeatedly)

‐ Oh, shit.

‐ [Brandon] Solar panel business, That business dead.

‐ Solar panels is dead?

‐ Yeah, solar panels is dead.

‐ It's the sun, man.

‐ It's the‐‐ it's a dead business, dog.

You know what I'm saying, I wouldn't invest in‐‐

(knocking at door)

‐ Hey, hey, don't open that.

‐ [Brandon] Dog, what the fuck bro.

Why you acting all cagey and shit?

‐ Just don't open the shit, bro.

The crime level is going up in this neighborhood.

I just want to make sure that everybody's safe.

The thievery and then, you never seen Home Alone?

(loud noise from door) (yelling)

‐ [Baron] Hey, whoa.

‐ Look, I'm calling the motherfucking full‐court press.

Wes is shaving ice on the block that I started homey.

Come on, I need your help right now.

Right, right, right now.

‐ I'm confused.

‐ You're to, you're to calm right now homey.

If you bring your bald headed ass with me

I would fuck him up.

‐ I'm not doin' that.

‐ I' need somebody to ride with me.

‐ Old school, you look like an old school black pecker.

Put on a leather jacket and some dark shades

we could ride out.

‐ Let me get this straight, these Mexican's on your block

where you started shavin' ice‐‐

‐ Where I started.

‐ Takin' money out of your pocket.

‐ Yep.

‐ Trying to get your turf.

You know what cuz?

I don't even give a fuck.

Yep, don't care.

‐ I didn't even tell you to do nothin'.

I just need somebody just to ride with me

one time and let me do my shit.

‐ I got you boy, I'm with you.

‐ Take your ass to the corner.

‐ Alright.

‐ You know I don't fuck with you bro.

Get your ass back over there.

Who ride with me? who?

‐ We're taking a ride?

I'm down.

‐ Yeah, Kenny will ride with you.

‐ Hey dog, you trying to ride with me

to do a little mission.

‐ A mission? Where we going?

‐ Snow cones dog.

‐ We're getting snow cones?

‐ Snow cones.

‐ But first you gotta change your little outfit,

you look like a sexy ass peach or something homey.

‐ I look sexy.

‐ The Mexicans are gonna try to fuck you.

‐ Wait what.

‐ Alright man you all get up on on out of here

you got a rider with you now dog.

‐ It's sad, it's sad that this mother fucking

suburbian bitch got more heart then both y'all.

House full of dicks and you act like pussies.

Fuck all y'all.

Cuzo I'm hurt, I'm telling granny about this.

‐ Yep.

‐ Afro done to fuck you, bitch.

‐ That's alright, man.

‐ Fuck, the drama dude.

(rap music)

‐ Who know I'm here right now,

who know I'm here right now.

‐ I aint your secretary nigger.

‐ This aint no joking matter,

my ex Mo she gonna find me man.

‐ So, God how could you be scared of your ex?

‐ You don't know Lucille, you don't understand.

She crazy Mo, she just got out of jail.

‐ You shouldn't be dating felons mother fucker.

That's your problem.

‐ I didn't know she was a felon mother fucker.

‐ Don't mock me, this is your life.

‐ How bad could this girl be.

There she is right there.

(pounding noise)

‐ Brandon, Brandon.

Brandon, stop playing games with me,

I see you Brandon.

‐ [Bald Friend] That's her, she fine.

‐ This the crazy one.

‐ How could she be crazy dude.

‐ Open the God dam door and see your lovely wedded wife.

‐ Her what dog? You married?

‐ You married her?

Shit man.

(funky music)

‐ Here you go beautiful.

Hey I'll give you a discount, if you give me your number.

Next time okay baby.

Hey what you want white boy.

‐ Whatever.

‐ Okay, I got you bro.

Thank you for supporting La Raza.

‐ When a mother fucker set up on your turf

and trying to take what's rightfully yours,

somebody gotta deal with this transgression homey,

do you understand what I'm saying.

‐ Right, should I be writing this down.

‐ Man, must you be weird every fucking day?

‐ Right, no yeah‐‐

‐ Let's pay attention sometimes man.

‐ Yep okay.

‐ Shit, it's all about leverage out here.

‐ Leverage.

‐ Rule number one, protect your booty at all times.

‐ Protect your booty at all times.

‐ Feel me?

‐ Yeah.

‐ Look at it as, this is your money.

Your blood, sweat and tears homey.

That you put them man hours in.

That somebody else is reaping the benefits

from that shit man.

That aint cool.

‐ No.

‐ I don't give a fuck who it is.

‐ No, you can't drive one of my cars around the block.

And stop asking me for shit son.

No you can't get a new TV.

‐ But, I made all the money Dad.

‐ You owe me everything.

I bag it up, you'll be nothing.

You're lucky I haven't bagged it up.

‐ ‐ lucky I haven't bagged it up.

‐ I comprehend exactly what you are saying.

‐ Go to that (mumbles) place homey.

‐ You protect your booty.

‐ Protect your ass.

‐ Yeah. okay.

‐ You got me?

‐ I got you.

‐ Well let's go show the nigger what's up then.

‐ Alright.

‐ Met her on Instagram right,

slid in her DMs got her number,

went to Vegas got drunk as fuck

end up getting married.

We married right, so we walking down the strip,

skipping, boom, she ended up beating Optimus Prime ass

for giving me some titty tickets

to some titty club.

‐ What's wrong with that.

‐ Optimus Prime nigger.

‐ She ride or die dog.

Look at her.

‐ This your wife right here.

Wait a minute dog, I didn't know you could pull that.

There you go.

‐ Get that shit out of my face.

But listen man, long story short

she ended up going to jail that night

couldn't get the annulment signed, why,

because she was in jail.

Been in jail ever since, guess what,

she out now.

Where, here.

Here killing us.

‐ [Bald Friend] She loves you,

she went to jail for you nigger.

‐ That's that shit Mary J sing about.

‐ Do you love him?

‐ Yes.

‐ I just threw love in the air man.

‐ Man fuck love and the air.

‐ No, no, no.

You know what your problem is dog.

What's my problem Darrin.

‐ You need to trust me.

Lesson 214, tell him Ron.

‐ What's lesson 214.

‐ Communication.

(yelling)

(music)

‐ I don't love you no more okay.

‐ What do you‐‐‐

You don't love me?

Are you out of your damn mind Brandon.

‐ Just leave me alone, leave man.

‐ I'm never leaving you, you married me.

Get out here you little bitch

I'm gonna make you love me again.

Please baby, fuck man why are you doing this to me Brandon.

Open the damn door.

(laughter)

(slamming door)

‐ Hey, hey check this out mother fucker.

This mother fucking cart closed, now.

Bye, go.

‐ Hold on, brother.

Back of the line is that way.

‐ ‐‐ line this is my block homey.

‐ Hold up bro, you came at me really disrespectful bro.

‐ Homes this shit is done homey.

‐ Listen street vending that's a Chicano thing bro,

okay we don't make collard greens.

Now take LeVar Burton back over to the car

and get the fuck off my block okay cuz.

‐ This aint no Reggae tone essay.

‐ Listen bra I got white people here bro

your embarrassing me.

Whetto what do you want man.

‐ I respect what you got going on,

you look like you went to Whole Foods

and shit like that.

‐ Their the best.

‐ Naw man fuck all that.

I think we're having a miscommunications.

(mumbles) so let me break it down for you.

‐ Okay, okay.

‐ Get this shito off my blocko, comprende andale andele.

‐ Hey dog, just come out,

communicate with her dog.

Remember the lessons.

‐ You know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna email you,

and we is gonna type to one another, okay?

‐ Fuck babe, I missed you so much.

It feels so good to hear your voice again baby.

Babe can we just go home and snuggle up

and watch 'Think like a man two'

while I play with your back.

‐ She fucking nuts dog.

‐ [Lucy] I know how much you like that baby.

‐ I do‐‐‐ hell no Lucy it's over, okay.

You still got a house arrest ankle monitor on.

how are you even here.

‐ Baby I swear to God I'm not fucking crazy,

you're making me act insane right now.

Just open this God damn fucking door.

‐ Come out, stop being a bitch nigger.

She gonna re braid your hair.

‐ (mumbles) Brandon (mumbles).

‐ I don't know what none of that shit means.

‐ I can't believe you Mitch.

‐ Man, what's Trump number, he gotta build that wall fast.

(trumpet)

‐ So what you mean?

You telling me you want me to stop selling

snow cones over here, is that what you say.

Let me think about it, let me think about it.

Fuck no bro, get the fuck off my block okay.

I slap your dreads loose petron.

‐ I made all the money Dad.

(laughter)

(screaming)

‐ Chill out bro.

‐ Oh, shit.

(banging)

‐ That's some shit from his childhood.

‐ (mumbles) be a virgin.

Fuck you Dad you mother fucker.

‐ Come get this girl man.

‐ [Bald Friend] Come on RunDMC,

come get the girl dog.

‐ It's been 17 months baby please

I can't take it much longer, please.

‐ You need help.

‐ I need help.

‐ Yes.

‐ So why don't you open this God damn door

and help my ass then Brandon.

‐ I'm not professionally qualified

to help crazy people.

‐ What.

‐ I'm gonna call you okay.

‐ No you're not calling me Brandon,

you want to see crazy?

You want me to show you crazy.

I'm gonna show you‐‐ (breaking glass)

‐ Think you can steal from me you pussy ass bitch.

You know what my name is, it's Kenny K E N N Y.

Say my name.

‐ Kenny.

‐ Shut the fuck up, this is (mumbles) fuck you.

You were just supposed to love me.

I still don't know how to play catch mother fucker.

Hooty Hoooo.

You were just supposed to love me,

you were just supposed to love me.

(scream) (crashing)

Stop, let me go.

‐ Lord, Lord please please, i promise you

if you get me out of this situation

I will never slide into another girls DM on Instagram

and I definitely never slide into crazy ass bitch

DM on Instagram.

‐ [Bald Friend] That's Mediterranean glass.

What the fuck wrong with you girl.

That's my fucking Karaoke trophy.

‐ Open the fucking door Brandon.

‐ Please get me out of this I'll go to church

every Sunday, Jesus name, Amen.

(loud crack)

‐ Oh shit!

‐ Back the fuck up.

I'm about to smash his mother fucking head in right now.

‐ Wait, wait, wait, look don't use that side

you're gonna hurt your hand.

Turn it over.

‐ No, fuck that.

That's the only thing I won in the last two years.

‐ Oh, I don't give a fuck.

‐ I don't give a fuck about him.

I care about that God damn trophy.

(yelling)

‐ Whoa.

I don't know you none cuz, but from where I'm standing

at right now you look like a respectable bitch though.

Now any other day I'd be whipping his ass with you,

you understand, but today I learned some shit today.

Oh yeah.

And so from one crazy mother fucker to another

let me be the first to tell you

you don't need this shit cuz.

Don't throw away your life for no pussy ass

nigger like that cuz.

You feel me?

You look like an angel from God cuz.

Blue tight dress on cuz, like a little

ride or die bitch I need on my team.

Now I'm about to give you an offer right now cuz

that you can't refuse.

You either bust him in the shit and go to jail,

wait, wait, or, I got some weed from these Mexicans

I got some liquor cuz, so we could go

talk over some shit and give our life to the Lord together.

You feel me.

You gotta let this whole life of crime go.

‐ But you gotta take my hand right now cuz.

‐ This hand will always be open

so take it while you can.

‐ [Male] Take his hand.

(dramatic music)

‐ See you need some dark skin in your life,

you can't (mumbles) with light skinned niggers anymore,

I'm trying to tell you.

‐ Exactly.

‐ Light skinned niggers be you're problems.

‐ Take that guidance, take that‐‐

that was perfect, you guys are perfect

for each other.

Hey I love you cuzzo.

‐ That was the most beautiful, ghetto,

ratchet, disgusting, loving shit I ever seen

in my life man.

But you know what, I appreciate it.

That was entertaining.

You suck.

And what the fuck happened to your face man.

‐ Crip life, you wouldn't understand.

I'll see ya'll niggers later.

(music)