Original subtitles

Where should we go, honey? Bermuda or California?

Well... uh...

As usual, I'll have to make up your mind for you.

Oh thanks, Vernon, honey.

Bermuda, tomorrow morning.

- Tomorrow morning? - Too soon?

Not soon enough.

Your cue, Mr. Lowndes.

My cue, Mrs. Lowndes.

Good evening Mr. Hudson. Hello, Ed.

Mike, hello. And goodbye.

We're leaving town in the morning.

Julie can go with my blessing.

Show's been running three years. She's deserves a rest.

- Thanks. - But you don't.

Where's the new show you've been promising me?

You haven't written one line since poor Marty got killed.

Please, don't tell me what a great writing team

Marty and I were, and how much I miss him.

I miss him more than you do. He was money in the bank.

Yeah, and Julie keeps telling me what a great husband Marty was, too.

Pretty tough to follow, wasn't he?

Closing night. They won't go home until you've given a speech.

You do it, Vernon.

Oh no, I'm gonna get the car.

Don't make it a long speech, honey. We're off salary time.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I only wish it were three years ago and our show was opening instead of closing.

I know your applause is meant not only for me, but for

Mike Hudson, our producer, and for Vernon Lowndes,

Not only a fine dancer but a fine writer, too.

My only regret is

That his collaborator, that talented young man who also staged this show

Isn't here to share this moment.

He lies in a hero's grave,

Far across the sea.

Marty Stewart, who gave so much of himself to the theater.

No one appreciated his genius more than I.

I was not only his leading lady.

In those day I was his wife.

So while those of us who are still alive are

Hearing your applause, and taking our bows,

We know in our hearts it is really his night, not ours.

Marty!

Oh!

House lights! House lights!

Please everyone, will you leave the dressing room. Come on now, please.

I'm sorry, honey, well, you know how it is.

A guy gets back from overseas, he just doesn't stop to think. Will you forgive me?

Oh, everything is gonna be just beautiful as soon as I get you home.

Home!

Mike, I think we better leave her alone for a while.

I'll help her get dressed. Come on, give her a chance to pull herself together.

Okay, all right.

- I'll be waiting for you. - Come on, son.

How do you feel?

Numb.

It's quite a shock discovering your husband is still alive.

Who's gonna tell your other husband?

The one who's out in the car? With the tickets to Bermuda in his hot little fist?

- I wonder... - Don't look at me.

Once upon a time, I fell in love with him.

You married him.

Oh, then you tell Marty.

Oh I couldn't. I don't know if you know this but...

I was a little starry-eyed about him, too.

All right, I guess it's my place.

For once I've got to make up my mind and do something.

I'll tell Vernon, I'll tell him right now.

I'll...

I'll...

Gwen, won't you tell him.

There's an old saying, "You made your own bed..."

Vernon.

That was kind of a long speech.

I have something to tell you.

Don't. The way I feel, we may not bother to talk for days.

But it's about my speech.

I know it by heart.

"My only regret is that the talented young man who also staged the show"

"Is not here to share this moment."

- But he is. - What?

- He just kissed me. - Who kissed you?

- Marty. - Marty who?

Marty Stewart.

Darling, look. Marty's dead.

He's been dead for two years.

You'd never know it by the way he kissed me.

Now look, honey, I know how sentimental you get about things.

Remember how that little dog got run over, and you kept dreaming he'd come back.

Well, he didn't come back. And Marty didn't come back.

Now, come on, let's get in our little car and go on to our little beddie-bye.

I don't know.

Marty wants to come back to our little beddie-bye, too.

It's not true.

- Julie! - It's true. He's right in there with Mike.

He was marooned on an island some place all this time.

He wasn't killed. He wasn't even wounded.

Well, what did he say when you told him?

- Told him what? - That you're married to me, now.

I didn't tell him.

Well, somebody has to tell him.

Yes, but break it gently.

Gently? Me?

Just say, "Marty, old man. A funny thing happened to me while you were dead".

You want me to tell a guy who's just come back from

Two years on a desert island that I married his wife?

Wait, you haven't met the new stage manager yet.

I don't wanna meet anybody else. There's only one person I'm interested in meeting.

She sent me to say hello to everybody in the cast.

Now it's your turn, again. Hello, Julie.

You haven't say hello to Vernon.

It's great to be back around all the old familiar places.

Uh... Marty...

I know, now it's your turn. Gee, it's good to see you again, Vernon.

You don't know how much I thought about you while I was away.

You two boys can get the old partnership going, just like it used to be.

- Come on, we'll get a cab. - This is my car.

Congratulations. We'll get a cab.

No, no, I'll drive you home.

Okay, if it's not out of your way.

Believe me, it isn't.

I'll go along, too. I live in the neighborhood.

So do I.

- Pretty crowded neighborhood. - You have no idea.

Well, everybody into the car. Come on Julie, I got a lot to talk you about.

You drive. I'm getting in the back with Marty.

- What for? - We're collaborators, aren't we?

Well, here we are...

Isn't it wonderful? The five of us back together again?

Just like the old days, when we were starving happily in Greenwich Village.

Yes, but no matter how tough things got, we were always friends.

Ready to sing at the drop of a hat, weren't we, Marty?

- Hmm. - Maybe somebody ought to drop a hat.

Boom.

Marty, you haven't told us about your war experiences.

Reconnaissance flight. Hurricane. Out of gas. Desert island.

Coconuts and native girls. And back to the old stand.

You must have hated to leave those coconuts.

Why were you reported dead?

Another Martin Stewart. Air Force snafu.

Julie, isn't there something you have to tell Marty?

- Oh, Marty. - Uh.

There's something you have to understand.

The War Department sent me a telegram saying you'd been killed.

I would have cracked up if it hadn't been for Vernon.

Well, old Twinkle Toes been a comfort to you while I was away?

I've seen a good deal of him.

He's been like one of the family.

Isn't that right, Julie?

Oh, yes, he was very kind to me during my...

Vernon, I knew you would be a tower of strength.

- Oh, I did what I could. - Thanks, pal.

You see months and months went by and everyone gave you up for...

Aw, not you, uh-uh.

Marty you've got to understand...

Julie, you had faith.

I knew you would. A lot of other girls would have run off and got married again.

- Marty. - Huh?

We're home.

Ah the same old apartment house.

You know, I had a crazy idea not to come to the theater at all.

I was just gonna wait and break in on you in the middle of the night.

Wouldn't you have been surprised?

It would have been about even.

Come on, doll.

Good night, sweetie. We'll see you soon. Mike, good night.

Vernon, thanks for the lift. Thanks for everything you did for Julie.

The pleasure was all mine.

No, don't get out. You don't have to see us to the door.

Now look, Marty, you and I have to have a little talk.

Well, fine, we'll have lunch.

Not tomorrow. The first part of the week. I'll see you then.

Hey, open up.

Julie, I have a wonderful idea.

Why don't we all go up and have a drink together and

Celebrate Marty's return?

Fine, I'll park the car and be right back.

Very funny.

That's a wonderful idea.

You're kidding.

I'll make some scrambled eggs.

I remember Marty used to just love scrambled eggs at night.

- Yes, I'll mix the drinks. - I'm not thirsty.

Come on, Marty, you can't brush off old friends. We'll have a wonderful time.

We may stay up all night. Laughing and talking.

Great, just great.

Ah, just as I used to dream about it.

Same old piano.

Oh, Vernon, we wrote some great shows here.

Yup, the windows overlooking the park.

Oh I forgot, we were gonna have a drink. Now...

Well, let's see. Where...

- Just raise up on that knob, there. - Oh!

Oh, huh... you changed things.

Chateau Dijon 1937. You never used to drink wine.

She's got a lot of new tastes.

I bought it for her. That was a fine vintage year.

Oh, well, where did you hide the whiskey, dear?

I gave most of it to the janitor.

There may be a bottle somewhere.

The highball glasses are in the other cupboard.

The ice?

Right there. That's a little ice box.

Oh, very clever. This is new, too.

I bought it for Julie.

You seem to be familiar with everything in this apartment.

- Everything. - He's been a tower of strength.

Oh, you mix them. Come on, Julie.

Marty, I...

I think Julie has something to tell you.

There's been a marriage you ought to know about.

Marty, what was it, water or soda? - Water for me and Julie.

Not for me, I wanna keep my head.

What are you gonna do with your head?

- Marty. - Huh?

I don't know how to tell you but...

Well, you see...

Vernon's married.

Well, what do you know?

The life-long bachelor. Congratulations, Vernon. Gwen...

The best, kid. You finally hooked him, huh?

You two were cozy for quite a while. I'm glad he made an honest woman of you.

- I did not marry Gwen. - I'm free for any offer.

You know, you're lucky you didn't get him.

Well, anyway, whoever you married, I give it three weeks at the most.

I don't give it another night.

We'll drink a toast to the unlucky bride

And then I'm sure you'll all have to be running along.

To Mrs. Vernon Lowndes, whoever she may be.

May all her troubles be little ones.

I'll drink to that.

Well, so long. Sorry you have to be leaving.

What's the matter with this fella. Hasn't he got a home?

- Oh yes, he has. - Well, tell him to go there.

I haven't been out of this uniform for three days. I'm going upstairs.

Hey, Marty, wait!

- Good night all. - Marty, don't!

What am I doing? Breaking a law or something?

- Not yet. - Ah come on, honey. Don't break up the party so early.

It's just like a class reunion.

The four of us back together again.

Like the old days in Greenwich Village.

Oh no!

Somebody stop him.

You got any idea how?

Look, will everybody please go home except my wife.

- Everything all right? - Come on in. You're just in time for the finale.

Oh no!

What's this?

- Nobody told him yet? - Kindly fasten your seat belt.

- Now, Marty... - On your bed.

Pajama tops. Men's. Who belongs to them?

Where are the bottoms?

I never wear them.

Marty, why did you do that?

Why? What a question.

It's all right, it's perfectly legal.

Legal? What's happened to America while I've been away?

- If you'll let me explain... - Go on, it should be interesting.

- Well, you see... - Look, Marty, it's that...

I knew all along I'd have to tell you.

Marty!

You were reported dead.

Julie and Vernon got married.

Happens every day. No need to let it break up the team.

Now, aren't you sorry you lost your temper?

Well, you see. Nothing's wrong. We're married.

Congratulations.

Oh.

Have you...

Not yet.

How long is it going to take?

I don't know.

A girl who hasn't made up her has no right coming in here looking so beautiful.

How did the natives go for that line?

Please.

You see what this all means.

If I decide on one of you,

I've got to hurt the other.

And I love you both too much for that.

Now, wait a minute. That's silly.

Is it silly to...

Be in love with the man that I've been married to for over a year?

Someone who's been sweet and kind and understanding.

And when you came up on that stage...

I thought my heart would stop.

It was like the first night you took me home,

And you held out a bag of peanuts to me and said,

"I wish these were diamonds."

Yeah, I stole the line but I meant it.

Probably stole the peanuts, too.

- Julie, what are we gonna do? - We can't go on like this.

Please, you've got to give me time.

A girl just doesn't flip a coin about a thing as important as this.

I have to decide which man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I've got to be sure I'm right.

Good night, darling.

- Oh Julie. - Good night, darling.

Good night.

Got a deck of cards?

No.

If you don't mind, I think I'll take a cold shower.

Julie. Julie.

Ouch!

What are you doing here?

If I ever heard of a situation that calls for a chaperon, this is it.

- Where's my wife? - Downstairs, the maid's room.

Oh, by the way.

Maid's room is locked.

I might as well have stayed with those coconuts.

Ouch!

Boy, you must have been dirty.

I like long showers. Any objections?

No.

- Did you have fun, little boy? - Not a bit.

I think I'll take a shower.

Go ahead. You won't have any fun either.

- Good night. - Good night.

# Which one?

# I think it's time that I knew which one?

# I wish that character would

# Make up her mind

# She can't have them both

# That can't be done

# By all that's right

# I'm entitled to one, but

# Which one?

# Which is the one

# For

# Me

You have nothing to worry about, Mrs. Lowndes.

You're in the hands of the United States Air Force.

We recognize our responsibility for this situation.

It's wonderful of you to help me, Colonel Wharton.

It seemed like an impossible problem.

Well, you know our motto,

"The difficult we do immediately,"

"The impossible takes a little longer."

Of course the civil courts are rather slow moving,

But when your case come up, the Air Force will be at your side.

And then what? Who am I married to?

Well, the law is quite specific on that point.

The first spouse is the legal spouse. The second marriage null and void.

What if I don't want the second marriage null and void.

Oh? Oh!

Well, there is plenty of precedent for that, too.

Since the second marriage was entered into without intent to deceive,

The second marriage is legal, therefore the first marriage may be annulled.

But the first marriage was legal, too, wasn't it?

Oh yes, of course.

Then I'm legally married to Marty, and I'm legally married to Vernon.

Well, that's an amusing way of putting it.

Of course, you'll have to decide on one or the other.

- Why? - Why?

I should hope because you're in love with one of them.

Which one is it?

I love both of them.

Yes, but one a little more than the other.

No.

Not even just a little bit?

Not even a little bit.

Even Steven.

Pardon me.

You know something.

You've just given me a wonderful idea.

Why, I've got what every woman wants.

A husband and a lover.

And they're both legal.

No, no, no. That's bigamy, and it's illegal.

Illegal?

Who sent me this telegram?

Well, the... War Department.

What does it say?

"Regret to inform you, your husband, Lieutenant"

"Martin Stewart, killed in action."

Did I have every right to marry again after that?

Well, yes, of course, but...

Then if anybody is guilty of bigamy, it's the army.

You made the mistake.

Madam. In 150 years,

The United States Army has made a lot of mistakes.

But letting you in this office was the biggest mistake of all.

I don't feel that way at all.

Why, you've taken a load off my mind.

There's nothing wrong in what I'm doing.

Nothing wrong?

According to your line of reasoning, a woman could have three, four, six...

A dozen husbands.

A dozen husbands.

There'd be no limit.

A dozen husbands.

Let me read you something, if I may...

A dozen husbands.

A dozen husbands.

# Down boy

# You're acting like a Newfoundland pup

# And mama don't Like you jumping up I swear

# You've gotta stay Down, down, down

# You've gotta stay down

# Down boy

# You're acting like You ain't ever fed

# So if you wanna Be mama's

# Ted... Dy... bear

# You've gotta stay Down, down, down

# You've gotta stay down

# Girls like

# A sudden show of affection

# But they don't like

# So much that they need A bulldog's protection

# Down boy

# I'll pet you but I must draw the line

# You evidently Ain't read my sign

# "Beware!"

# You've gotta stay Down, down, down

# You've gotta stay down

# Down boy

# Stop acting like a brand new Newfoundland pup

# All beat up

# Button up Trying to make up Mama's getting fed up

# You've gotta stay Down, down, down

# You've gotta stay down

# Down boy

# Stop acting like a Half-grown quadruped

# Under fed Sick in the head

# You heard what What mama said

# You've gotta stay Down, down, down

# You've gotta stay down

# Girls like

# A sudden show of affection

# But they don't like

# So much that they need A bulldog's protection

# Down, down, Dee down boy

# I'll pet you but you have to Draw the line somewhere

# Guess you haven't read my sign

# "Beware, boy!"

# You've gotta stay Down, down, down

# I'll say it just once more

# Same thing I said before

# Down boy!

# -You've gotta stay Down, down

# Couldn't you just die?

If your argument was to be taken seriously,

It would result in the ridiculous conclusion

That a woman can have as many husbands as she wants.

Oh, I'm glad you agree with me.

It would be just wonderful.

And if anybody has any objections, I can send them right to the US Air Force.

Oh, thank you, Colonel Wharton. You've been a wonderful help.

And the impossible you have done immediately.

Now think hard.

You saw their faces in your newspaper today.

Now, what news story does this represent?

Ah? Would you repeat the question please?

Another one.

We're famous.

You saw their faces in your newspaper today.

Now, what news story does this represent?

Uh... that's that actress.

And her husband came home and he was in the army.

Only she had two of them.

Correct.

Leave it on. It's better than looking at you.

Now, soldier, this is right up your alley.

What do you think of the situation this represents?

All right, so this guy goes into the Air Force, see.

And he leaves the wife alone, see. Correct.

Well, this other guy, he's been givin' her the eye all along, see.

So along comes a telegram from the War Department

Tellin' her this first guy's been knocked off, leavin' the field clear.

Well, telegrams come cheap.

What point are you trying to make, soldier?

Anybody can swipe a telegraph blank,

Sign it "War Department" and slip a kid a couple of bucks to deliver it.

Ha!

Then by the time this poor Joe gets back, if he ever does get back,

The other guy and his wife are so cozy, he don't stand a chance, see.

Good, now, if you were Marty,

How would you solve this problem?

Easy. I'd grab the crumb who stole my wife and bust him right in the nose.

Thank you Miss Williams and Sergeant Kowalski.

And I'm sure you've been a great help

In bringing peace and happiness to a troubled home.

Now...

Marty, Vernon.

- What happened? - Where you been all day?

That's her own business.

Where have you been?

Well, I talked to the Air Force

And I was little excited so I walked around and shopped

A little because that's when I do my best thinking.

What did the Air Force say?

I think we'd all better sit down.

You can see how foolish it was for you two to be fighting

Because the Air Force says I can keep you both.

Our Air Force?

You're joking. See, she's just joking.

- She isn't. - Of course I'm not.

The Colonel didn't exactly say that.

But he admitted that I was legally married to each of you.

And while I'm making up my mind, that's how I'm going to stay.

You can see that's the only sensible thing to do instead of rushing into things.

If you're not careful, you think for a minute that she's talking sense.

I am talking sense.

I will not be rushed into anything so important.

Now, we're going out to dinner just as we did when we were married.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me understand this thing.

Exactly who is going to dinner?

You and I, Marty and I.

- Two happy couples. - Uh-huh!

And then we'll go dancing and have few drinks.

And then we'll all come home.

We'll all come home?

Just like we did when we were married?

That's right.

I'm going upstairs and change.

What do we do now?

Just what she says.

You'll have to let Marty have one of your dinner jackets.

Oh, naturally.

Share and share alike.

And hurry.

Oh, by the way old man. When I socked you a while ago.

- Yes? - I meant it.

So did I.

I phoned, they didn't answer. I checked with the desk. The manager said the

Three of them left together, hours ago.

The happy triangle out on the town.

Trying every angle.

I have to run along in a minute.

Mind eating alone?

No, the kid's getting used to it. I've been well trained.

Did I ever tell you about the time I fell in love with Sam the Coconut Man?

Marty?

But you know little Gwen. A lot of laughs.

Nobody takes me seriously.

I sent Julie a lovely wedding gift.

And switched to Twinkle Toes.

Yes, I made up my mind fast.

Big mistake.

Should have followed Julie's example and never made up my mind about anything.

I drank his awful wine. I sewed buttons on his awful vests.

And I was beginning to like it.

Along comes Little Miss Indecision and I'm shut out again.

I sent her the same wedding gift.

You wouldn't wanna maybe do the town with a guy who

Has no intention of getting married until he's around 70? Might help you forget things.

I'm having much too good a time feeling sorry for myself.

Don't worry. Julie'll make up her mind, and there'll be one left over for you.

We'll get a new show going and everything will be great.

Thank you, Mother Goose.

Night, baby.

# There's a someone I'm longing to see

# I hope that he

# Turns out to be

# Someone to watch

# Over me

# I'm a little lamb

# Who's lost in the wood

# I know I could

# Always be good

# To one

# Who'll watch

# Over me

# Although he may not Be the man

# Some girls think of

# As handsome

# To my heart

# He carries

# The key

# Won't you tell him please

# To put on some speed

# Follow my lead

# Oh, how I need

# Someone

# To watch

# Over me

Ole!

Ole!

It was wonderful. Wonderful!

We'll go out every night together and dance and dance.

My earrings hurt.

Please.

Thank you. Thank you both.

Would you unzip me?

Good night.

You still here?

We were under the impression we were invited.

Would you care for the bathtub first, old boy?

- Oh, no after you. - Oh, thank you.

Go to your room, both of you.

Our room? Oh, you mean the dungeon with the twin beds.

Didn't the Air Force say we were all married?

Well...

You know, I'm a little dizzy.

But not as dizzy as you think. Now, get out of here.

Exactly what we intended to do all along.

Just as soon as you discovered how ridiculous your whole idea was.

Why!

Vernon, Marty!

We are going to the Waldorf. And when you finally make up your mind, you can phone us.

No, phone one of us.

- Mrs. Lowndes? - Yes.

Colonel Wharton sent his car.

Colonel Wharton? What for?

- Weren't you informed? - No.

Big meeting this morning, in the colonel's office.

I hadn't heard, but if it's for the colonel, I'll be down on the double.

I'll wait downstairs.

Let me out of here.

After Sergeant O'Hallihan went to the trouble of stealing the colonel's car?

- Let me out. - Relax.

It's the only way I could get to see you alone.

But it's not fair to Vernon.

Yeah, that's the best part of it.

- Where are we going? - Back about six years.

Thanks, Charlie, I can take it from here. Scramble.

Wilco!

The Village Cellar.

It's been a long time, Marty.

Under a new management.

Kind of like what's happened to us.

I know the rental agent.

Oh, no.

I wish I hadn't seen it like this.

Oh, I don't know, Julie.

It's all in the way you look at it.

I'll always remember it the way it was the first time.

The first time I saw you.

A warm kind of saloon.

Just about what you'd expect to find in the Village.

Red checked tablecloths.

They didn't show the spots.

Sawdust on the floor.

You were rehearsing that afternoon.

Gwen was doing a pirouette.

She ended up in Vernon's arms.

There was a cloud of smoke at the piano.

I could hardly see the guy behind it.

I could see you all right.

You were standing in the doorway.

Out of work and scared stiff.

I remember you were staring at me.

I wasn't staring at you.

It was those lovely hamburgers.

There was something about you.

I hadn't eaten for two days.

That seedy character you had for an agent brought you into the place.

We'd been looking all over town for a girl.

And he said you were something special.

He had no idea how right he was.

I remember, you asked if I cared to have lunch.

But Mike was putting on the big act.

Mike said you just had lunch at 21 with a big producer.

A likely story.

He said you were only interested in an audition.

You were pressed for time. Everybody in show business was after you.

Mike went off with Vernon and Gwen, and there we were.

The two of us.

You weren't much impressed with my material.

It looked like I was gonna get a quick brush.

You were interrupting my lunch, and I had a date uptown.

Oh no, "I've been kissed before".

Every singer in town was using that.

Oh well... and away we go.

# I've been kissed before

# Arms have held me fast

# You can tell by my kiss You weren't the first

# And you won't be the last

Oo, waka-doo, and a roony too-too.

I figured it was only common courtesy to let you finish.

# I've been kissed before

# Only fools tell when

# I was born to be kissed To kiss and be kissed

# And I...

You want another one of those?

- No thanks. - You got enough money to get home?

I'm not going home. I came here for an audition.

Well, you're not in any shape. You're weak.

Look, mister, I've waited a long time for a break like this.

I like hamburgers. And I wanna be eating them regular.

Let's try it again from the top.

Is this all the music you brought with you?

It's 50 cents a copy.

Sorry. Wait a minute.

You have this in your repertoire?

- Sure I know it. - You know the verse, too?

Hammer away.

Well, maybe, before we get into it, I could give you a few pointers.

See, we have a strange type of audience, here in the Village.

I mean they're not exactly music lovers. They're a little more down to earth.

I get your message.

# How glad the many millions

# Of Tom and Dick and Harrys

# Would be

# To capture me

# But you had such

# Persistence

# You wore down my resistance

# I fell

# And it was swell

# You're my big and

# Brave and handsome

# Romeo

# How I won you

# I shall never

# Never know

# I've got a

# Crush on you

# Sweetie pie

# All the day and night time

# Hear me sigh

# I never had

# The least notion

# That I could fall

# With such emotion

# Could you coo?

# Could you care?

# For a cunning cottage, baby

# We could share

# The world will pardon my

# Mush

# 'Cause I have got

# A crush

# Baby

# On you

# Crush on you

# Sweetie pie

# All the day and night time

# Hear me sigh

# I never had the least notion

# That I could fall With so much emotion

# Could you coo?

# Could you care?

# For a cottage, baby

# We could share

# The world will pardon my

# Mush

# 'Cause I have got a crush

# Baby

# Baby

# Crush on you

# Sweetie pie

# Night and day time

# Hear me sigh

# I never had the least notion

# That I could fall

# With such emotion

# Could you coo?

# Could you care?

# For a tiny cottage

# Baby, we could share

# The world will pardon my mush

# 'Cause I have got

# A crush

# Baby

# Baby

# And I have got a crush

# Baby

# Baby

# Baby

# On

Remember what you said to me?

I love you, Marty. I'll never love anyone else.

You mean it?

I'm coming home, Julie.

- Are you gonna tell Vernon, or should I? - I'll tell him.

- Poor Vernon. - Poor Vernon.

I guess I already knew it all the time.

Don't act this way, Vernon, please.

How else can I act?

Marty and you gone all day.

Me alone in my hotel room. Thinking.

About what?

Julie!

About myself.

Maybe if you took something to get the acid out of your system.

Julie, I...

I wish you every happiness in the world.

What do you mean?

Well, I know my weaknesses. My faults.

It's not hard to see I'm just a plain guy.

Why should any woman want me?

- I married you. - Why?

Well...

How can you ask a thing like that?

There, you see?

Marty, he's everything a woman loves.

He's handsome, reckless, unreliable.

Selfish.

No, I'm licked, Julie.

There's no use fighting.

I'm going away.

Well, if that's how you feel?

How I feel has nothing to do with it.

Far be it from me to interfere with your plans.

Go ahead and quit.

But what kind of a man gives up before the fighting starts?

I shouldn't give up?

Of course not. Never take no for an answer.

You can't lose if you have the will to win.

Keep fighting until the last man is down.

- Are there others? - Others?

Don't quit now. Don't hang your head and run away. Fight for the woman you love.

That's the way.

That's more like it.

Darling.

- You love me? - Yes.

- Who's gonna tell Marty? - Oh.

Break it to him gently.

Julie, I'm coming home.

Anybody home?

No use waiting for Marty and Vernon.

They won't be in any mood to talk about a show.

I hate to see talent going to waste, brilliant writers doing nothing,

A dancer like you wasted in nightclubs.

The theater is my whole life, Gwen. This sort of thing gets me... here.

Isn't that where you keep your wallet?

Okay, so I like money. Is that a crime?

The boys have got something in common, now. They both hate Julie.

They'll kiss me for asking them to go back to work together again.

Great. My collaborator, breaking up my marriage.

What about my marriage?

I never wanna see your ugly face again.

Taxi.

- Where to? - Reno!

What happened?

The next time he's reported dead, it won't be a mistake.

With these two hands.

Vernon.

Why don't you use those two hands on the typewriter?

Write a show without him. That'll kill him worse than anything.

You're out of your mind.

Taxi.

- Twenty-third street theater. - What do you think you're doing?

We'll go to my office, have a few drinks, sign a few contracts.

Before you know it you'll be collecting five percent of the gross.

Which you won't have to split with a collaborator.

- Why pick on me? - Marty's cab left too fast.

Don't listen to her. Don't I know the one who's the real talent?

Look, I wouldn't write a show for Julie if you hung me up by my thumbs.

Who mentioned Julie?

Did I mention Julie?

Did you mention Julie?

- Did you mention Julie? - Huh?

He didn't mention Julie.

All right, make jokes.

What's wrong with writing a show for Gwen?

Wonderful dancer. Great personality.

Hey, wait a minute. Come down to earth. I'm not ready for that.

A show for Gwen?

If it's a hit, it'll not only kill Marty, it'll kill Julie.

You know what makes you so attractive, Mike?

It's that mean, diabolical mind.

What do you say, Gwen? Wanna try it?

A star, and a show of your own.

Hold it, hold it.

That's all for tonight. Everybody go home. Tuck into your nice cozy beds and

Think of me sitting up half the night

Trying to figure out what to do with the second act.

Attention, kids.

Everybody see Harry Selby about the costume call for the morning.

And please be on time for the fitting.

Report back here when you're through.

It is gorgeous, no?

- Okay, fine. You can go now. - Merci, monsieur.

Thanks a lot.

How about dinner, Gwen?

- Why, I'm game for anything. - There's a steak involved.

Why, Mike, I'm flattered. That costs money.

Well I figured I'd get even... - Say, Gwen.

Would you mind putting in a little overtime?

Sure, if you want me to.

- Pick me up at my place at 9 o'clock. - Okay.

Why don't we take it from the promenade section.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Good.

Good night, folks.

- Good night. - Good night, Harry.

That's better.

Wonder if he'll take me to a place with candlelight?

- Who? - Mike.

Big date, huh?

I think candlelight is terribly flattering to a girl.

Don't you?

Watch your balance.

What kind of champagne should I order?

Depends on what you're launching.

I wonder if I should wear my blue dress.

Watch your point.

All right. Hup!

Wait a minute.

What's the matter?

That felt different, somehow.

It's the same way we've been doing it for two weeks.

I guess I never noticed before.

Well, let's try it again.

All right.

It is different.

Maybe I should wear my pink dress.

Black is always good.

Of course, I always say, when a girls accepts a date with a fella,

It presents many more problems to her than it does to him.

Why, all he has to do is see whether he's got a dark suit,

A shirt,

Maybe a different tie,

And he's ready.

On the other hand,

A girl has to think about things like

Whether she's gonna wear a hat, because, you see,

Some fellas like hats

And other fellas don't like hats.

Do you like hats?

Maybe I shouldn't go out with him at all.

You see,

You might go out with a fella, but there might be

Somebody else you wanted to go out with

And never got around to mentioning it.

And maybe you wanted to go out with him, too.

But you never got around to mentioning it either.

Even though the two of you are around each other all the time,

Taking each other for granted, so what's a girl gonna do?

They're staying away like this was Shakespeare.

Mr. Hudson, you've got bust.

I've had them before. I've pulled out of it.

Everybody who goes to a show, they know what the writers do.

They know what the composers do. They know what the actors do.

Nobody knows what the producer does.

Legit, please.

I'm gonna let you in on my little secret.

Who's this, Joe? Mike Hudson.

What is it Mike? The usual story?

Heavy advance sales for Mike Hudson show.

Huh?

Say, is this Mike Hudson?

What do you mean you got no second act?

The book is weak.

Say, what do you wanna run down your own show for?

Sure, I'll print it.

Are you sure this is Mike Hudson?

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

You don't think Gwen Howard can carry the show.

Nobody's buying tickets.

You predict everyone including yourself will lose their shirts.

Of course I'll print it.

You think I'm crazy?

Mike, confidentially. Are you...

Who, me?

What good does that do?

Marty's on a ranch in Nevada someplace waiting for his divorce.

Julie's in California, isn't she?

These papers have a wide circulation.

Anyway, if they don't, I'm mailing out copies.

Maybe it'll look better when it's typed up.

Breaking for lunch, so let's go.

Okay.

No matter what I do to that second act, it comes out the same.

- Dull. - Don't worry, kid, it'll come to you.

Hi.

Just thought I'd drop around, take in a rehearsal. Any objections?

I guess you read our sick notice in Variety?

Yeah, well, they're wrong. I went through this script.

The second act can be fixed like that.

Wait a minute. Where did you get a copy of the script?

What do you mean? You mailed it to me.

I mail... who mailed it to you?

Twenty-two cents. That's all it cost, plus tax.

Wanna go to work?

- Do you? - Do you?

Ah!

Look, let's go. We've got to keep alive one of the great romances of the theater:

Mike and his wallet.

I feel it... here.

Everybody back in one hour, please!

Gwen... Marty's here!

- What? - Uh-huh!

- Wonderful. Is it gonna work? - Like a charm.

- Well, I gotta see him. - Uh-uh.

They're creating. Let's go eat.

I will buy you the biggest...

Any casting today?

- Julie! - Baby!

- Gee, it's good to see you. - Gwen.

- Hiya, Mike. - Hi, honey.

Is it true, what Billboard said about the show?

Pay no attention. They use very unreliable sources.

It's true. We're about to hatch a turkey.

Look, I don't wanna push my way into anything but...

If I can help.

Julie, will you?

Of course I will.

Well, let's all sit down.

I just happen to have a contract right here.

Your old salary, run of the play, dated yesterday.

What kept you?

Oh, Mike. It's just like the old days,

Double-crossed before I start.

I love you, you dirty rat.

Julie, I think I've kind of double-crossed you, too.

Vernon and I...

Well, legally he was fair game but...

- If you still want... - Uh-uh.

Once you make up your mind, don't ever change it.

She's right. I don't want you on the open market again.

- You're safe, Mike. Hey, Mike.

Mike, the second act, we've got a wonderful idea.

Mike, this is great. All you gotta do is...

- Now Marty, look... - Mike.

What did you come down for? The wake?

I heard the show was in trouble.

So I came down to offer to help.

We don't need your help.

Maybe we don't. But we do.

In that case I'm through. The only time I wanna see you again is in a divorce court.

I'm sorry, I'm leaving the firm.

Look, I may not like seeing you any more than you like seeing me.

But when a show's in trouble, you've got to try to help.

I'd like to help. But not on those terms.

That's pretty selfish, isn't it?

Well, look who's talking about being selfish. The original two-for-one girl.

Our friends are in trouble.

And hot or cold, they've got to open two weeks from tonight in New Haven.

I'm gonna stay with it.

How about you?

Oh, let's get back to the typewriter.

One... two... three... four. Five... six... seven... eight.

One... two... three... four. Five... six... seven... eight.

One... two... three... four. Five... six.

Hold it.

Hold it, look. Now wait a minute.

We all know we've only got four days to go to dress rehearsal, right?

So let's get with it.

I know you're a big star, but you're supposed to

Bend down all the way like the rest of the help.

All right, you girls take five.

Not you.

We're gonna try it again from the beginning.

And one... two... three... four. Five... six... seven... eight.

One... two... three... four. Five... six... seven... eight.

One... two... three... four. Five... six... seven... eight.

Eight.

One... two... three... four. Five... six... seven... eight.

One... two... three... four. Five... six... seven...

Come on, there's no time for rehearsal. Make it for real.

For real.

Everybody, half-hour! Tomorrow night is at 8 o'clock.

Remember. Everybody, tomorrow night is at 8 o'clock.

Don't let him get you down.

Gwen, I think I'd better leave the show.

Bad as that?

I'm in love with a man I'm legally married to. Isn't it silly?

If you ask me, I think he's still in love with you.

Then why doesn't he says so?

What do you think he's been doing for the last two weeks?

Every time he balls you out.

Every time he treats you like a dog?

The mating call of the lonely male.

Why doesn't he come right out and tell me?

That's what you've been waiting for, isn't it?

That's why you came back to the show?

But because he won't do it your way,

You're gonna run out on the show the day before dress rehearsal.

What would you do?

Oh... I'd probably do something stupid like

Swallowing my pride and

Crawling to him on my hands and knees.

Right out in public.

But you wouldn't do anything like that.

It's liable to work.

Wouldn't I?

One... two... three... go.

# Oh Matilda, it's so hot

# Sat up till day break

# Couldn't even sleep a wink

# My mind was wandering

# All I did was... think

# The way I've been treated

# Would drive a gal

# To drink

# How come you do me like you

# Do... do... do?

# How come you do me Like you do?

# Why

# Try to make me feel so blue?

# I ain't done nothin'

# To you

# Do me right or else just Let me be

# 'Cause, lover, I can beat you Doing anytime

# What you're doing to me

# So tell me

# How come you do me like you Do... do... do?

# How come you do me Like you do?

# How come you do me like you Do... do... do?

# How come you do me Like you... do?

# Why try to make me Feel so blue?

# I ain't done nothin' to you

# Do me right or else just Let me be

# 'Cause I can beat you doing What you're doing to me

# How come you do me like you Do... do... do?

# How come you do me Like you do?

# How come you do me

# Like you do?

# How come you

# Do?

# Why make me

# Feel blue?

# I done nothin' to you

# Do me right or else just Let me be

# 'Cause I can beat you doing What you're doing to me

# How come you do me like you Do... do... do?

# How come you do me?

# How come you do me like you Do... do... do?

# How come you do me?

# Do me like you do?

# Like you do?

Watch.

# How come you do me like you

# Do... do... do?

# How come you do me

# Like you do?

# Why

# Try to make me Feel so blue?

# I ain't done nothin' to you

# Do me right or else just

# Let me be

# 'Cause I can't beat you doing

# What you're doing to me

# How come you do me like you

# Do... do... do?

# I've got a

# Crush on you

# Sweetie pie

# All the day and night time

# Hear me sigh

# Crush on you

# Sweetie pie

# All the day and night time

# Hear me sigh

# I never had the least... notion

# That I could fall with So much emotion

# Could you coo? Could you care?

# For a cottage We could share?

# The world will pardon my

# Mush

# Mush?

# 'Cause I have got a

# Crush

# Baby

# Baby

# Baby

On... you