Original subtitles

I had a feeling it was a duster.

You got the only three dry Wells in paradise basin, Henry,

and two leases expiring next week.

What about the Bailey five?

Looks bad, Henry.

Dropped the bid at 6-5. We're fishing for it now.

Well, you can't sell dust, Henry,

so you got to hightail it up to the big city

and get yourself some shopping money quick, yes.

Billy Joe, is money all you ever think about?

Henry, I am an accountant.

I'm supposed to think about money.

So you go on up north and raise $1.2 million starting right now,

or you're broke, yes.

Henry, you're a rich man,

and a rich man can't afford to go broke.

Hello, j.R.!

Good day, r.J.

Hi and how are y'all?

Save your confederate money, boys.

Widgets is coming back in style.

Taxi.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi.

What are you doing, lady?

There, young man.

Maybe that'll teach you some manners.

You can't get a cab in the airport.

You can't get a cab when it rains.

You can't get a cab unless you don't want one.

Any other city, you can phone for a cab.

Not New York.

You're just like my wife, mister.

You don't understand the economics of the situation.

Then teach me.

I'm interested in the economics of about every situation.

Well, there are 11,000 cabs in the city

and no new permits for the next 25 years.

Now, suppose you want to buy a cab and start hacking.

You got to get a new permit, too.

Now, the tab on a new permit

is $18,500 on the open market.

And how much did your cab cost, Mr...

Feinberg?

$3,300. new.

And that makes your investment, with the permit

come to about $22,000?

Yeah. but don't tell my wife.

She'll think I'm rich.

Mr. feinberg,

I'll give you $24,000 for your cab and permit.

You want to buy the cab?

Right, but you come along with it.

I'll need your services for a week, maybe two.

No, look, mister.

I can't sell the cab. I need it.

Well, I figured that.

So, when I leave,

I'll sell it back to you for $22,000.

You want to lose 2 grand

just to keep your feet dry when it starts to rain?

I don't lose, Mr. feinberg.

You see, I borrow the money,

and then I get a deduction on the loan interest

and another on the depreciation

and another on the loss when I sell it back to you,

and you make a nice profit.

You win and I win.

Unh-unh.

There got to be a loser somewhere.

Tax man loses.

He usually does on a Henry tyroon deal.

Mister, you just got yourself a taxi.

Yeah?

He did?

Henry's not in midland.

They said he went up to New York.

New York?

Yeah, I bet old Henry's up there looking for some loose change.

They tell me he hit nothing but dust in the basin.

Nothing but dust.

This year there's a real jinx on him when it comes to oil.

Well, if he's looking for mullet in New York,

it looks like that's where we'll find the action.

I reckon we better swing by for a look-see.

We better sashay up to New York.

Yeah. right now, Charlie.

I can't tell whether I'm hung over

or whether I've got sinus trouble.

Well, since you've got the choice, why not make it sinus trouble.

Thanks a lot.

The fuzz on that toungue.

My sinuses don't reach that far.

Where'd you pick up the fuzz?

I caught it at a cocktail party.

I don't think I ate enough.

Bet you ate enough olives.

And where did you spend the night?

On the good ship lollipop?

No. went to a gallery with Leonard.

A new artist he thinks is the coming thing.

Leonard still having his problems?

Still seeing that psychiatrist?

You'd have problems, too,

if you were married to that woman he was married to.

Well, I've have problems married to any woman.

Isn't it amazing how i sparkle so early in the morning?

Why bother sparkling?

When a girl sparkles down on wall street,

she's a threat.

When she sparkles uptown, in my territory,

she's a promise.

I'll stay downtown, thank you very much.

You better quit sparkling for Leonard.

You won't get anywhere with him.

A headshrinker's too much competition.

It puts a third party in the action.

Leonard's a pastime, not a project.

It's comfortable to have him around.

He helps me ward off the grabbers.

I've got to run, so I'll see you later.

Now, you see, if you worked uptown instead of down,

you wouldn't have to bolt so early.

We could shop at bonwits at lunchtime.

Uptown is just a state of mind.

Me?

Put up another $100,000?

Me?

Henry, you must be out of your mind.

You surprise me, len. You're hesitating.

We went down the line with you this year,

and what did it get us?

Part ownership in six of the deepest, driest holes in Texas.

You boys sure got short memories.

How about the seven Wells we brought in two years ago?

I don't believe in living in the past.

You're slowing down, Henry. Maybe you're loosing your touch.

You used to have undercurrents, Henry.

I don't feel the undercurrents anymore.

Len, a few years ago,

when you had all those surplus airplanes you couldn't unload,

- you said, "send them to the junkman," right? - Right.

Well, just who was it that sold them as an air force

to a certain unnamed party in central America?

But we got paid in bananas.

Yeah, and you ferried those bananas on your airline

and cleared half a million dollars, right?

And you, flink.

Who was it that put you

onto those 40,000 obsolete Japanese cameras?

You did, Henry, but I...

I made you the first American in history

to export Japanese cameras to Japan.

I didn't make beans on that deal.

But when we imported them again, you made a killing?

And you, achilles. Of all people to hold out on me.

When we had those tanker charters

and they bottled our ships up in the Suez,

who was it that swapped all that nail-Polish remover

for six more tankers to meet our commitments?

That I liked. That was complicated.

Yeah. just remember, boys.

Nobody who has ever sold me short

has come out ahead of the game yet.

Now, I want $100,000 from each of you, and I want it now.

Well...

I've always been a percentage player, Henry.

Count me in.

I'll go along for the ride.

It's against my better judgment...

But I made a lot of money against my better judgment.

Thank you, gentlemen.

- Okay, boy. - Righto.

Let's get to that list, whitby.

Here it is right here.

It's every stock that osgood bought before he passed on.

Meglo manitoba iron ore.

He bought it in 1951 for $3 a share.

Where is it now?

A 61-cent bid.

Great eastern offshore oil, cost $14...

Six-cent bid.

You mean we haven't unloaded that yet?

Well, it take's a while to unload the real dogs, bullard.

My boy, somewhere in this vast, verdant,

ever-growing nation of ours

must be some people stupid enough

to buy great eastern offshore oil.

Find them.

Yes, sir.

Here's another real dog, bullard...

Universal widget.

Doesn't say when osgood bought it.

Doesn't say for how much. We've had it for a long time.

I-i can't seem to find out anything about it.

Well, write it up in our next stock letter.

Point out that industry is growing

increasingly widget-conscious.

What is a widget, bullard?

I don't know. Ask industry.

Here's a happier item. Reactor engines.

He bought it for five cents six years ago,

sold it yesterday for $61.

$61? that shrewd old fox.

Well, that's the list.

We're still in the red while everyone else is cleaning up.

Economy... that's the answer.

We just got to trim off some of the fat.

No more long-distance phone calls.

Tell your pals at the club to pick up some luncheon checks.

Last man out at night has to make sure

that he turns out all the lights.

Cancel the linen service. We'll get paper towels...

You know, the kind that come out one sheet at a time.

Tell the men to blot, not rub.

I'll take care of it, bullard.

And we've got to let somebody go.

But we need everybody, bullard.

You never need everybody.

But if we let any of the boys go, there'll be talk.

Right, if we let any of the boys go.

But, what about our girl?

Well, the girl seems to be doing pretty well...

A lot of bright ideas, a lot of energy.

It's kind of unusual around here.

What's the difference?

That's one way we can cut expenses without causing talk.

Besides, everybody knows that taking on that girl

was just an experiment.

We've got to have a reason.

Let her try moving one of those dogs,

like that widget thing, for instance.

There's your reason.

Where's she going?

Her lunch club, I think.

Women shouldn't be allowed to have lunch club.

We got to keep them off balance, disorganized,

clawing and scratching at each other.

Otherwise, they might turn on us like mad dogs.

And so you see, ladies, many things are made of steel...

Bright, shining, faithful steel

that you use in your kitchens at home.

Now, I want to leave you with an interesting statistic

concerning a small thing of special importance to women...

The Bobby pin.

Now, the value of the amount of steel

that goes into one year's production

of the American Bobby pin

is greater than the national income

of many far eastern and south American nations.

So is it any wonder, then,

that we of the industry are proud?

Thank you, ladies, for your attention.

Are there any questions?

Mr. Wilson, it was very nice of you

to explain to us how shiny steel is,

but we would like some hard facts and figures.

For instance, how will earnings per share

be affected by the fringe benefits

in section 17 of the recent union contract?

Well, young lady, we'd have to take out our pencils

and sharpen them to answer that one, wouldn't we?

Say you raised iron billet prices 5 %.

What effect would foreign competition have

considering freight costs?

Well, that's something that would have to be determined

coolly, logically,

and with the best interest of the American consumer at heart.

But what would the figures be?

But I see that I'm overdue at my office now,

so I must bid all you charming ladies adieu.

Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Wilson.

Jerusalem steel has been delighted to meet you ladies.

You're uppermost in our thoughts.

What's the use?

They treat us like secretaries and housewives...

Just women.

Insulting. absolutely insulting.

Did you get that bit about the kitchen?

And they're supposed to be smarter than we are.

That's a laugh.

Why doesn't anyone take us seriously?

I'll tell you why.

Because they don't think women have a place on wall street,

and we have.

They won't let us join the society of security analysts.

The next thing you know,

they won't let us on the floor of the stock exchange.

They say we're too emotional for securities,

we have no head for figures, but our day is coming!

We'll show them! We have rights!

And we're not emotional, and we're not excitable!

You deserve a shot at something really big, Thatcher.

Of course, I'll admit i was a little nervous

when you first came with us.

But now we've all come to think of you as one of the boys.

Well, thank you, Mr. bear.

And now we're going to give you a chance

to show your real stuff, real salesmanship.

We've acquired a little gem called universal widget,

and we think the public ought to share

in this great opportunity.

Of course, you understand

the ever-increasingly dominant role

that widgets play in our national economy.

Certainly, Mr. bear. I'll start on it right away.

That's my boy.

Widgets... widgets...

Widgets.

Here we are.

Universal widget, whippleton, Massachusetts.

Founded 1844.

The president, Thaddeus whipple.

Directors lemuel whipple, neahmiah whipple, Isaac whipple.

No annual meeting and no figures reported

since 1894.

Boy. it's worse than I thought.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'd appreciate it if you could direct me

to the office of Mr. bullard bear.

Thataway?

First door there.

Much obliged.

I hope you'll excuse me

for the forwardness of the remark I'm about to make, ma'am,

but surprise becomes you.

Makes your eyes real pretty blue,

like a prairie flower, sort of.

Did I hear wrong, or did that man actually say "thataway"?

Thataway?

Thataway.

Now, with all the money

that this office must have made last year,

you have got to drill off some of that income, Mr. bear.

Now, I've got some participations open

down in scurry county

that'll give you the kind of tax shelter

that an outfit in your bracket really needs.

The depletion allowance...

Mr. tyroon, this year i don't even have a bracket.

Maybe we can get together on something else, though.

You know the oil business.

You know great eastern offshore oil?

Yeah. nice... very nice people, yeah.

Sorry to hear about their rig last night.

Rig? last night?

The very last rig just, you know,

got hit by a Gale down in the Gulf and toppled over and sank.

They got everybody off in time, though, thank goodness.

Thank goodness. Excuse me just a minute.

Dr. pfeiffer? Charlie Raleigh at bear, osgood, and whitby.

We just got a flash on great eastern offshore oil.

It looks like they've finally sunk something...

Something big down in the Gulf.

This may be your last chance

to buy great eastern at this price.

I'd never forgive myself if i didn't let you know in time.

I didn't know you had women working on wall street now.

That's Molly Thatcher, one of our top analysts,

specializing in the widget industry.

Widgets?

Quite a boom now, she tells me.

Well, I'm certainly interested in booming industries.

I gather you might consider opening an account with us.

I certainly might.

I've had my eyes on widget for quite some time now.

Let's see if we can get our miss Thatcher for you.

Well, Mr. tyroon,

actually, I've just started on widget,

but one thing I know already...

It's a vital company, but a small one.

And once it starts growing, which it has to...

It sure has to.

Then the stock could move very rapidly.

It's an old company and secure.

It was started in 1844.

And its strategic position in the new england area makes it...

Mr. tyroon, please.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I didn't want to interrupt, and I didn't think you'd notice.

Have you been listening to anything I've said about widget?

Established 1844, old and secure,

strategic position in the new england area,

and you sure got mighty pretty hair.

The company's management

appears to be able and experienced.

Excuse me.

Molly Thatcher speaking.

Hi, Leonard.

No, that's all right. I'm almost finished.

What time is it now?

It is? Well, I won't be much longer.

Well, look, why don't you go on up to the apartment,

and I'll stop by the market and pick us up some chianti,

and then I'll whip us up some scallopini, all right?

Then we can listen to music and watch the late show

until your nerves are soothed, okay?

Fine. bye-bye.

Now, then, Mr. tyroon.

Mr. tyroon.

Hoo.

Excuse me.

I'm afraid you were a million miles away just then.

Yes. well, i-I'm sorry.

I-i didn't know I was in the way of your plans.

I guess we better take this up another time?

No. I'm at your disposal, Mr. tyroon.

Well, now, I really would

like to know more about these widgets,

except the only free time I have is, dinner tonight.

I'm terribly sorry. I have a date.

Couldn't you ask Leonard for the night off?

I don't have to ask Leonard for anything.

Now, are you sure you can't make it any other time?

Cross my heart.

Well...

All right.

All right, then... 7:30.

I was just gonna take a cab uptown.

Could I give you a lift?

Mr. tyroon, you don't know this town.

It's impossible to get a cab at this time of day.

I'll show you to the subway.

The east side subway is this way.

Howdy, partner.

Howdy.

Well, Billy Joe, hold him off some other way, then.

Well, write a Boston check on our Miami bank,

cover that with a check from the L.A. bank,

cover that with a check from the Dallas bank.

By the time they run the first check down,

I'll have us the money.

I am not fooling around, Billy Joe.

I'm meeting all kinds of money tomorrow.

Yeah. well, same to you, fella.

Hi.

Hi, Molly.

You having company?

Nope. just me.

You got Leonard on the docket again?

No, not tonight.

This time it's dinner with a client... a texan.

How does he shape up?

You wouldn't believe him, my dear.

He's really too much. Boots and all.

Bet he walks in here with two dozen flowers.

You can find a better reason than that to hate him.

My boss says this is some sort of a challenge,

but I think that Texas is just another guy on the make.

That's the way people are constructed.

You know, I don't like what's been going on in the office.

I keep telling you...

Downtown a girl has to be twice as smart to get half as far.

I think Mr. bear's put me on this for some sort of reason.

On wall street, you're every man's rival.

Uptown, I smile, and I get a $5 raise.

An uptown job is just the way

a girl kills time till the evening date.

Anyway, I like wall street.

I like my job, and I'm good at it.

Besides, the man I marry is going to have to want

something more than a chief cook and bottle washer.

Sooner or later, fate, in the form of the diaper service,

must come knocking at the door.

I'll take later.

I'll take sooner.

Now, why do you suppose Mr. bear wants me

to fight off a large texan?

You think he's got more than business on his mind?

Every man has sex on the brain

like it's some sort of wonder drug,

a cure-all for everything... Colds, pleurisy, arthritis.

I even had a guy once tell me that sex prevents cavities.

Cavities? in your teeth?

Sure.

When you're tense, you have more acids in your mouth,

and acids eat enamel.

When you get rid of the tension, you get rid of the acids,

and the best way to get rid of tension...

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Say, why don't you ever undress in the bathroom?

Because I can't hear you from the bathroom.

Well, at least Leonard spares me all that jazz.

Say, where are you and this cowboy gonna chow down?

I don't know.

Someplace where he can't put his boots on the table

and order a burnt steak.

Try le cochon très Cher. It is so swank.

You're not even allowed to use your teeth.

You just gum the food.

That's about the best idea you've had all day.

- Leonard. - evening.

I've been trying to reach you for the past hour.

You know Dr. pfeiffer will never answer the phone during my sessions.

Well, I know, Leonard, but I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to break our dinner date,

because I have a very urgent business appointment.

I'll-I'll make it up to you another night. I promise.

No veal scallopini? No soft music?

I just told you I can't.

I have to have dinner with a client.

How did you rationalize this rejection of me?

What excuse did you give yourself?

It's not a rejection. It's a client.

But the real reason,

the subconscious reason you're rejecting me,

has to do with the ambiguous masculine-feminine role

which you have...

It has to do with trying to sell some stock.

Stock. money.

Do you know what Freud said about money?

It's refuse, dirt.

I'm just trying to turn a fast mud pie.

Now, good night, Leonard.

My client's coming to get me pretty soon.

I'll talk to you later.

I'll be at Sonia's.

Well, howdy, Leonard.

Evening, ma'am. Brought you some flowers.

Howdy, ma'am.

That's my roommate, Eloise cott.

Holy cow.

I, guess I better put my shoes on.

I feel a little short in the saddle.

You know, you really didn't have to do this.

Well, I always figured

that flowers and ladies kind of go together.

Where we gonna chow down tonight, ma'am?

Well, there's a little place where we usually drop in,

sort of a neighborhood atmosphere.

It's called le cochon très Cher.

What does that mean?

Well, in French, it means "the very dear pig,"

but that's not what it means.

Thank you.

We should have made a reservation.

We'll never get a table.

Sure.

Excuse me.

We'd like to get a table and something to eat, please.

If you will wait at the bar, monsieur,

I will call you... Perhaps two, three hours.

But I'm too hungry to wait that long.

Monsieur duglace, madame, bonsoir!

Le numeral quatre pour mssr. Duglace et dame.

Merci.

Yes.

Excuse me.

Clyde, I don't think you understood the lady.

You got all those empty tables,

and we'd like to eat there right now.

Monsieur, when I say three hours,

I mean three hours.

You listen to me, merle.

Pasado uno para El oficial de imigración, ¿.

Para uno piccolo de tu quota.

Un grande amigo de eliot ness.

Certamente, signore.

Certamente.

Il tradire dieci per signore queen.

Avanti.

Thank you.

Monsieur.

Was that Italian?

I find that in New York,

most French headwaiters are Italian.

Can you speak Italian?

No, ma'am. No, ma'am.

That's just a little wetback Spanish.

It sounds the same.

You, really do like this place?

Yes. I could eat here... Every night of my life.

Madame, monsieur, may I suggest a specialty of the house?

Filet de sole Monaco.

Excuse me, friend.

Yes, sir?

What's that key for?

That's the key to the wine cellar, sir.

Well, if that's the key, the door must be 50 feet high.

May I suggest the specialty of the house?

Filet de sole Monaco.

Well, I think I'll have

the poulet flambé Saint Bernard du vin.

Excellent. excellent choice.

You, monsieur?

What was that you had?

That's chicken with mushrooms and onions

and marinated in wine and topped with Brandy.

Chuck-wagon stew with a dash of red-eye?

Waiter, bring me a burnt steak

and a mess of Greens, please.

Yes. of course.

I'll bet you a shave

that old Henry's on to something real good.

Okay, I'll see your see your shave

and raise you two shoeshines.

I'll see your two shoeshines, raise you a shave,

and loan you my helicopter.

That's good wine.

And aren't you glad I made you change your order to chicken?

I sure am.

That chicken's the most I've had to drink

in quite some time.

Now, Mr. tyroon, let's get back to business,

because I know you want to hear about widgets.

I sure do.

How did a girl like you ever get mixed up with widgets?

You mean what am I doing on wall street,

and how come I'm not married?

Well, now, I wasn't gonna get to that for another hour or so.

I'm impressed by your directness.

Mr. tyroon, getting married

is not the only thing a girl can do.

And I like wall street,

and I want to see girls accepted there.

Well, you mean them fellas downtown

are giving you a hard time?

And if I can put widget over, I'm on my way.

I may even be the next president of the women security analysts.

Well, since we're doing all this so speedy-like,

this Leonard, is he your steady fella?

No, no. No.

No. i-i see a lot of him.

He's an art critic and very intelligent.

And your next question is going to be

how long have I known him.

Ee.

There's no point in messing with you.

You're ahead of me all the way.

I'm just not used to bright girls.

You really think I'm bright?

So do I, and nobody ever tells me that.

Whenever anybody wants to score points with me,

they tell me I'm pretty.

And I get so tired of that when...

When actually, i-I've done s-some very...

Intelligent...

Thoughtful work.

Hey! hey, good buddy!

Everything's gonna be all right.

Now get off the road, little puppy,

and let us big dogs roll.

Well, howdy, Henry. Evening, ma'am.

Evening, ma'am. Howdy, Henry.

Howdy, boys.

Miss Molly Thatcher, I'd like you to meet

Jay ray spenalbee, ray Jay potts, and j.R. Wilson.

- Hi. - hi. - Hi.

The boys are from Texas.

No. hello.

It's a pleasure, ma'am, and if I'm not too bold,

I'd just like to say that your hair's pretty as corn silk.

Prettier.

Say, now, Henry,

whatever it is you're on to, I'll take a fourth of it.

And I'll take an eighth.

I'll see your eighth and I'll raise you a fourth.

Well, I'll tell you, boys,

I haven't got anything going just now.

These gentlemen have been associated with me

in a couple of my ventures.

Come on, now, Henry. You can tell us.

Now, what are we getting into this time?

Honest, boys, I'm just out for a nice sociable dinner.

Is that true, ma'am?

Yes, that's true.

Where can a man get a bowl of chili in here?

How is the chow, ma'am?

Well, it's just about the best in the world...

When you get a chance to enjoy it.

You, really like this place?

Under certain circumstances, it can be heaven.

Well, people have a different idea about heaven.

Well, let's see.

There's a few interesting principles.

I mean, it's got a high margin.

You keep the people packed in there.

At a dollar and a half a shot, they're crying to get in.

By the time they have four or five whiskeys,

they don't know what the wine tastes like anyway.

Yeah, they got them little pulley carts.

Fire insurance.

You, really, really like it here?

Yes.

Well, when he's not busy, would you have him call me back?

Miss Thatcher?

Yes, Mr. bear?

What's new with that widget thing

we gave you several days ago?

Well, I've been trying to do the research,

but the company doesn't answer its phone.

What about that texan we set you up with?

I-i haven't been able to reach him.

Well, don't let him get away, miss Thatcher.

Speed things up. We've got to get on to other things.

Give her another month.

Otherwise, it will look too obvious.

One month, and we trim the fat.

Out she goes.

Leonard, I sympathize,

but I can't listen to your troubles now.

I have too many of my own.

Listen, I'll see you at the opening tonight, all right?

I have another call now.

Molly Thatcher.

I'm not disturbing you, am I?

Hi! no, no.

You're not disturbing me one bit.

I've been trying to reach you for days.

I was afraid I wouldn't get the chance to talk to you again.

Well, I've been working on a little crash project.

I got a surprise for you.

I'd like to show it to you tonight about, 7:30?

I do want to talk to you.

I have to go to an art gallery tonight,

a reception for a new artist,

the first time his paintings have been hung.

If you wouldn't mind eating early,

maybe you'd like to come to the gallery with me.

It's the first time i ever took a girl to a hanging.

Bye-bye.

Evening, ma'am.

Good evening, sir.

Well, good evening there, Bonaparte.

We'll be out in a couple hours, feinberg.

Good evening, Mr. tyroon.

It's nice to see you this evening.

Well, thank you.

Commendatore, buonasera. Quell'onore.

Commendatore, buonasera. Quell'onore.

Signorina, bellissima.

Molta carina, bellissima, signorina.

Wake up.

One of your favorite cigars, Mr. tyroon.

Favorite cigars.

Grazie, grazie.

Thank you, Zelda.

They certainly have changed this place, haven't they?

And that headwaiter...

Did he turn out to be your long-lost father or something?

Well I figured if the bar is more profitable than the dining area

and people like to be shoved around,

well, then, you double the size of the bar

and shove them a little harder.

Good evening, Mr. tyroon. Good evening, mademoiselle.

Good evening, Clyde.

Now we have a 100-foot door on the wine cellar.

Then I figured,

who would loan me enough money to buy this place?

Simple. a fire-insurance company.

Mr. tyroon, y-you bought this place?

Chez-Henri.

"Henri" is the same as "Henry," and Henry is me.

- Mr. tyroon... - No, no, no.

You can call me Henri, like it says on the menu.

You bought this place.

Well, you said you'd like to eat here every night.

Well, now you can.

See what we got tonight.

Nardo! nardo?!

Wait for Chuck!

Pottsfield is such an antiseptic painter.

At first glance,

but that's because he uses only white paint.

Well, his paintings are germ-free.

But then when you've said that, you've said everything.

Personally, I like horse paintings.

Henry, abstracts are always hard at first.

It's an acquired taste.

Now, you have to try to understand,

what is the artist trying to communicate?

A feeling, but he ain't making it.

But I can't this Saturday, spike.

I'm going to the cape to expand.

For the whole weekend?!

Nardo! nardo, there you are!

His work is ghastly,

but it does have a certain obscene power.

Communication is very difficult at first, Henry.

Well, I ain't having any difficulty.

He is.

I don't think what Ted is doing is awful at all.

After all, Dee Dee and Sally are twins.

You're not trying, Henry.

Well, I'm willing to try, but he's got to try, too.

Excuse me, Henry.

$500?

I think I get the message.

Nardo! nardo, you dear, dear boy!

I read your brilliant little piece in art world.

So acrid, so deliciously nasty!

Nobody else could do it!

Nardo, you must come and have tea with me.

There's the most exciting neorealist painter

I want you to meet.

He's a slob, darling, but he's a genius.

Let us in on it, nardo.

What are you going to say about the exhibition?

Yes.

This exhibition is going to make history.

That's what I'll say.

What stanislas has achieved here

is essence rather than appearance

by using space on light instead of light on space,

and that, of course, is the whole mystique

or geist, if you will, of the stanislas method.

He's brought mysticism to painting,

but he hasn't fallen into the trap

of bringing painting to mysticism.

My dear. He's a genius.

One thinks of baudelaire and the other fin-de-siècle poets,

because, well,

one just does think of baudelaire so often these days.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to make a scene.

Seems this picture broke that young fella up.

Don't worry about him.

He's a paid weeper, one of the best.

You know this fella stanislas?

I am stanislas.

Seems to me that,

you use space on light instead of light on space.

Six of one...

You're bringing mysticism to painting,

but you ain't bringing painting to mysticism.

What are you, some kind of religious nut?

Tell me, stanislas,

is this an asking price, or is that firm?

Firm. sold four already tonight.

Of course, if you're a Texas collector,

I might work something out on a job lot.

Afraid I can't afford a hobby like collecting.

It's not a hobby.

It's an investment.

Remember that Rembrandt

that sold for $2 million a bit ago?

Yeah, I heard about it.

You know you could have bought that once for 20 bucks?

From whom?

From Rembrandt when he painted it.

Now, my stuff goes for 500 clams,

but it's got 1,000 % profit potential.

Yeah, but Rembrandt and that bunch,

you know, they're old masters.

They've all been bid up.

This new stuff, it's like wildcatting.

It may go up, but the odds are against it.

If I read you right, you go for wildcats.

I always like something on the outskirts of a producer

where nobody's brought one in...

Not too expensive, but then, not too left-field.

I believe I know of just such a field.

Now, when the collection needs a curator...

A curator?

A foreman.

Someone to ride the herd and all that beauty.

Well, I always give my associates

a piece of the action.

Let me lay this on you.

The coming field is German expressionists.

I have the awful feeling

that the ax is about to fall.

"How are things going, miss Thatcher?

We can't keep on giving you chances, now, can we?"

Let the ax fall.

Work uptown and be a girl again.

How can somebody just disappear for days?

Henry?

Who else?

Well, he couldn't go around in public forever.

Answer that, would you? My hands are wet.

Yes?

Fine, thanks, but my head's hot.

Hold on.

Hello?

Hello, Henry.

I'm fine.

No. that's all right.

I've been terribly busy, too.

I-i tried to reach you, but you checked out.

Henry, I never did get a chance

to explain to you all about widget and...

Half an hour?

Well, I'm really awfully busy,

but, I guess I could make it in a half an hour.

All right.

I-I've got to get in some clothes.

Would you rinse those things out for me?

Sure. run along.

Does my hair look all right?

For a downtown girl, that's an uptown question.

Better not look at this one.

It's a shattering experience. Loosens your teeth.

You know, we're sopping up the flokes, flack,

and 'dinskys, all right.

About to get the noldes cornered.

How we doing on them gorkys?

Well, if you can extend your bank credit,

I can grab the two gorkys in the rothschild collection.

Now, there, there, honey.

Don't cry. No.

I thought you were gone forever.

Me and my boy stanislas,

we've been wildcatting all over the place.

We went to Europe on Tuesday.

Your b... W-what are you doing here?

Mother, you're talking to the head wrangler

of the Henry tyroon collection.

This is miss Cathy Madison.

She works for the same magazine your boy Leonard works for.

Art world?

Such a moving collection.

Such marvelous taste.

That... that nolde.

Yeah. how about this cute little yeller one right here?

Ain't that a beauty?

Are they real?

They better be.

But that one over there...

That's in the Tate gallery in London.

Well, it was in the Tate gallery.

We just about got this expressionist field

- staked out? - They are real.

Mr. tyroon, I hope you'll show them all together

in your exhibition.

Your personal taste makes it all a...

An entity.

Henry, have you looked at anything you've bought?

Looked?

My poor eyes about bugged out.

Now, if you could just tell me

what you consider the key to your collection,

I'll have plenty for my interview.

Yes.

Well, the, the key to my collection is, this.

I immerse myself

in whatever the painter is trying to communicate.

This school, if I may call it such is,

is not decorative.

It deals with...

Human problems.

And... I learn from it.

Mr. tyroon, thank you.

You have done a beautiful thing.

The art world owes you a debt of gratitude.

Let me go down and help you grab a cab.

Good day, ma'am.

Henry, you don't love them.

You have no right to own them.

Well, now, I ain't gonna hide them away.

I've just gotten involved in a little wheelin' and dealin'.

Doesn't anything give you any pleasure

unless it makes money for you?

Molly, you got me all wrong.

You don't go wheelin' and dealin' for money.

You do it for fun.

Money's just the way you keep score.

You see, I figure if there's a strike anywhere,

this whole field is gonna go straight up.

Now, anytime you feel like communicating with these fellas,

you just come right on up, you hear?

Howdy, Henry.

Boys.

Evening, miss Thatcher.

Evening, Jay ray, r.J., Jay ray.

We sure hate to bust in.

We ask your forgiveness. We didn't want to interrupt.

That's all right. You're not interrupting a thing.

Thank you, ma'am.

Now, Henry, you remember the time I let you have my crew

so you could meet an expiration date.

I sure do, j.R.

And remember, Henry, when we drilled all them dusters,

we didn't whimper.

I did appreciate that.

Well, then, Henry,

now, we hear you're onto something hot.

Where's the action, Henry?

- Canada? - Venezuela?

Well, now, hold on, boys.

You caught me out prematurely. I'm not ready yet.

But, Henry, we're your buddies here.

Well, since I can't pay for what I bought,

I would be glad to extend of a little participation.

Henry, we hear tell

you're messing around with them electronics.

No, no, no.

Oil.

No.

Heaven forfend. Not this year.

Anything but oil.

Oil it is.

And it's right here... On canvas.

- Canvas? - canvas?

Henry, are you all right, son?

You feeling a might bit peaked, son?

Molly, I wonder if you could get these gentlemen

something for their parched throats?

Well, just a little branch water, ma'am.

Boys, did you ever hear of a fella named renoir?

Of course you have.

Once upon a time,

this fella renoir, he painted pictures.

And he couldn't sell them to save his life.

He gave them away for his supper.

Sold some for 50 cents.

Why?

That's 'cause they was all kind of fuzzy.

And people laughed.

People weren't ready for fuzzy pictures.

Do you know what one of those fuzzy old renoirs

will bring today?

Mnh-mnh.

$1 million.

Now, I know.

You're gonna say that these pictures don't look fuzzy.

They look scratchy.

Well, I may be wrong,

but when people get ready for scratchy pictures,

these are gonna go up, right through the ceiling.

Look at the fuselage on this woman.

What's the acreage on this run, Henry?

I'd say, $60 million an acre, counting the frames.

What's the depletion allowance?

Well, I'll tell you, j.R.,

it's not depletion, but it works out the same.

You buy the paintings, you give them to the museum,

and then you take a deduction on the appraised value,

which is going up.

I figure I can save you,

say, 10 cents on the dollar off income.

Ray Jay.

Just a minute.

Look, ray Jay, you the art man.

- We could buy a little... - They look pretty good.

I'll go. All right.

Henry, we've made a decision.

Now, we realize that a deal like this is risky,

but there's a risk in all good things.

So we're gonna take half the kandinsky

and one-fourth of this pile over here...

If we get a one-eighth override

on the producers of this batch here.

All right. Sounds fair.

You got yourself a deal.

Yes, sir, it's a deal, j.R., ray Jay.

Evening, miss Thatcher. Evening, Henry.

Evening boys.

Well, now, that wasn't hard, was it?

Henry, you're quite an operator.

In some fields.

In others, I don't even know where to start.

Well, you could start with universal widget.

Although maybe that's not exciting enough...

Not enough room for wheeling and dealing.

You want action?

Okay.

First thing in the morning,

you and I will hop in a car and run up to Massachusetts

and take a look at this universal widget.

Then you can prepare to hold on to your hat.

What happened to feinberg and your taxi?

We couldn't get the top down on that one.

Left is scotch and right is bourbon.

Left is soda, and right is branch water.

All I wanted was a light.

Try that one.

Henry, this is not the way i light my cigarettes.

Excuse me.

Could you tell us where the universal widget plant is?

Plant is right down there.

Burned to the ground after the war.

Spring of '99.

Don't let on any more than you have to, Zeke.

Is that the only plant? You sure?

Only one.

First left, second right.

Down the hill.

Old new england company.

Strategically located.

And it sure has lots of room for growth.

Come in.

Good afternoon, Mr. whipple.

Might be. Might not be.

My name is Henry tyroon.

This young lady is miss Molly Thatcher

from the wall street firm of bear, osgood, and whitby.

Women on wall street now,

Mr. whipple, we won't take up much of your time.

We... we just want to ask you a few questions.

Might as well ask them sitting down.

Mr. whipple,

where did you build the new plant

when the north Adams street plant burned down?

Never did build a new plant.

You are the president of universal widget?

Says so on the door, don't it?

Don't think I'd paint a falsehood on my door, do you?

Well, then where do you make the widgets?

Young lady, I don't know why you're up here

fussing about our stock.

We whipples control it anyway.

We haven't made a widget since 1854.

Any fool knows that.

Flying clippers went out years ago.

But you must make something.

Why?

Well, it seems to me, if you don't make something,

you got no call to stay in business.

I'm a busy man,

and I'd like this to be the last word on this subject.

Our company owns just two things...

That bog out there and some stock we bought.

Only thing that keeps us from dissolving the corporation

is my brother lemuel says we'd have to pay a tax on the stock.

I don't understand.

Well, what Mr. whipple is saying

is that when they went out of widget production,

they took whatever was left in the treasury

and invested it in another stock.

And that's where it is now.

That's right.

We bought American telephone and telegraph

just before the war.

Back in the '30s?

The day before they sunk the lusitania.

You bought at&t in 1915?

You have a fortune in hidden assets!

Young lady, don't you fuss with our stock.

It's selling now just about the way it ought to.

You'd better go on home and get yourself a husband.

And a cookbook.

Does my face look puffy?

I'm a gentleman, and I refuse to answer that question.

I'm sorry I burst out like that.

I haven't done that in years.

You weren't crying over a little old burned-out factory,

now, were you?

No. it's the whole situation.

I mean, if I can't put widget over,

then it's gonna make it that much harder

for every girl on wall street,

and they're depending on me.

Anyway, this is a wild-goose chase,

and my boss knows it.

Well, there's nothing wrong with a wild-goose chase,

provided you catch the geese.

Anyway, how can I sell widget stock?

I mean, anybody in his right mind

would go and buy at&t direct from his broker.

Well, I guess there's nothing for me to do

but go back to Philadelphia

and push little monsters around in supermarket carts.

You really want to stay out of Philadelphia?

Excuse me.

All right. I'll make you a deal.

This steak is all pink inside.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, I wonder if you'd take it back to cooky

and tell him to burn it for me, please.

- Yes, sir. - Thank you.

Don't wait for me. Turkey will get cold.

Now, about that deal.

What about it?

All right. Here are the terms.

If I help you put over this stock deal,

you come down to Texas with me as my assistant

for six months.

If I don't help you, no deal.

Me in Texas?

There's plenty of room.

Henry, you're an operator,

but do you know anything about the stock market?

I know the stock market is money and emotion.

There's... hope when you start out,

greed on the way up, and fear on the way down.

I know that the stock market is people,

and if there's anything you can't sell people,

I have yet to find out what it is.

These people need a reason to buy.

The beauty of it is, the reason doesn't have to make sense.

You're not thinking of anything illegal, are you?

I'm never illegal.

I'm just close to it.

Texas.

Philadelphia.

Mr. tyroon, you've got yourself a deal.

All right.

First off, we go see whipple in the morning.

Now, wait a minute there.

Staying overnight is not part of the deal.

Well, we've got to take advantage while we're here.

Advantage of whom?

Circumstances, that's all.

Henry, I may not be the driven-snow type,

but I don't go in for one-night stands.

I never thought you did, Molly.

Separate rooms okay?

Separate floors if you like.

I really do have to check something in the morning.

We may have an extra asset in that widget weed patch.

Separate floors.

Okay.

My compliments to the chef.

Henry, why don't you buy a couple of new england mountains

and send them down to Texas?

Well, now, I'd purely like to do that.

But I just don't think I could swing it.

You don't mean to say

you finally discovered something you can't buy.

No, I could buy the mountains, all right.

The problem is moving them.

My face still puffy?

It's still puffed a little right here.

And it's a little swollen right here,

and it... It's all messed up here,

and...

It's still about the prettiest face I ever did see.

You know something?

When I first met you, I didn't believe you were for real.

I mean, the Texas accent and the hat and those boots.

Well, it was all a little too much.

Well, supposing when I met you

that I was wearing one of them wall street suits

and a short-brimmed hat and I'd said...

"I find it hard to be happy

now that I've left Harvard."

Would I have been any more real?

Well, maybe just a little bit.

Real is what you're used to or what you get used to.

The boots and the hat and the Texas accent

are just trimmings, that's all.

They don't really have an awful lot to do with me.

Well, you're real to me now, trimmings and all.

And I think it's time we go back to the hotel.

Yeah.

Henry?

Nothing, just... Henry.

Hey, you made me all kind of wide awake.

Want to join me for a nightcap?

No, thanks, Henry. I'm kind of tired.

All right.

You call me the minute you wake up.

I'm on the second floor, room 23.

Okay. if you wake up first, you call me.

I'm in, 32.

All right. See you at breakfast?

Okay.

- Good night. - Good night.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. tyroon?

The party in 23 called up

to say they ain't checking out.

But there's another vacancy in room 31.

31?

That's right next to 32.

You share a bath.

Is that the only other room you got?

We ain't got another vacancy in the hotel.

Tough luck, Mr. tyroon.

Yeah.

I, asked for another room, but...

But they didn't have any standard models left.

Party in 23 didn't check out.

This was the only room I could get.

And the automobile with the scotch and the bourbon

and the new "tuck me in" look,

that was the only thing you could get, too?

I didn't think you'd believe me.

I don't. And the warm-up on the mountaintop...

There's nothing wrong with your timing, is there?

I cross my heart, Molly.

And the nightcap that was supposed to set me up.

What did you have in mind... A-a triple bourbon?

I swear to you, Molly, I...

Now, look, Clyde. I told you... No one-night stands.

Now, as far as I'm concerned,

rooms 31 and 32 are just one room,

and they have just one tenant.

You?

Henry?

Henry, you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

We're still partners, aren't we?

We're still partners.

Good night, partner.

Good night.

Hello. operator?

Yeah, could you get me midland, Texas,

excelsior 3-6-2-2-1, please?

My number is w-1-h-k-k.

Hello, Patricia. How are you?

Say, pat, could you get me Bo bluedog

on the other radio phone

and have him call me at w-1-h-k-k?

Connecticut, I'd say, heading south.

All right. Thank you, pat.

Henry tyroon's office.

Yes, he is.

Just one moment.

It's somebody called Billy Joe.

Thank you.

Hi, Billy Joe. How are you?

Yeah, yeah.

Billy Joe, I told you I'd have the money on schedule.

I figure to swing a big piece of change on a restaurant.

Yeah, and I also got a piece of the action with some painters.

You heard me right. Painters.

Well, I haven't got the whole $1.2 million,

but I'm moving, Billy Joe.

I'll get it somehow.

You just relax and have Bo call me

when he gets back from his coffee break, you hear?

Thank you, Billy.

I had a talk with Thaddeus whipple this morning.

I want Bo bluedog to get his drilling crew together.

Don't be so mysterious, Henry. We're partners, remember?

You know that little weed patch

where the factory burned down?

Well, I made a deal with widget for the subsoil rights.

The drilling rights?

You mean to say you think there's oil

there in Massachusetts?

Henry tyroon's office.

Just one moment. I'll see if he's in.

Are you in? It's for you.

Hello?

Hi, Jack. How are you?

Jack? not Bo?

It's Jack Graham. He heard I was at this number.

Just a sociable call.

What's that, Jack?

Well, it's kind of partly cloudy.

It's a nice day, though. Nice day yesterday, too.

How is it down there, hot and dry?

Jack says it's hot and dry down in Texas.

That's a load off my mind.

Henry tyroon's office.

Yes, he is, but he's busy on the other line just now.

Will you hold, or shall i have him call you back?

Well, that's right nice of you, Jack.

Jack's flying some people to sun valley.

Wants to know if we want to go skiing.

It's for you.

Hey, Jack, I got another call.

I guess we'll have to pass this time.

Righto. thank you, Jack.

Hello?

Hi, Bo! How are you?

Well, it's kind of partly cloudy, but it's a nice day.

I hear it's hot and dry down there.

Terrific weather report. Costs only $300 an hour.

Bo, got a little project for you.

Yep. whippleton, Massachusetts.

No, I'm not kidding. The universal widget site.

We'll drill right through the rock to the eosine.

Let me know when you get there, Bo.

Bo, skip the questions. I got a reason.

You just call me when you get to the hotel.

Righto.

Now, what makes you think that there's any oil

within 1,000 miles of Massachusetts?

Molly, you got a little old company

that's got a little old weedy piece of land.

It never hurts the stock in it

to set up a drilling rig and drill for oil.

Hello?

No, this is w-1-h-k-k.

Yeah.

You better hurry if you're gonna get downtown

before the stock market closes.

You can have a hairdo or a ride in a convertible,

but you can't have both.

Come in! Door's open!

Afternoon, ma'am. Howdy, Henry.

We just got in.

Hi, Jay ray, ray Jay, j.R.

Henry, they really got oil in Massachusetts?

Well...

A man can't even use a radio phone anymore.

You gonna be able to drill through that hard rock

to the eosine, son?

What's that Massachusetts action, Henry?

Now, you boys are a wee bit early.

This is an investment situation.

I'll keep you informed.

Henry, couldn't I sell them some?

I'll take an eighth, whatever it is.

Wait a minute. I'll take an eighth.

Take an eighth of your eighth, ray Jay.

For the eighth of the eighth, I'll tell you what I'll do...

Give you a rig I got stacked and throw in a helicopter.

I don't need no rig.

I'll swap you two of my expressionist pictures.

Raise you an expressionist and throw in another helicopter.

Well, now, sir, I'll just see your raise,

and I'll raise you two more of my expressionist pictures.

Now, hold on, boys.

There's nothing to sell yet.

Well, Henry, if we're early, don't you forget one thing.

We still buddies.

- You better believe it. - Yeah.

I don't understand.

How can you buy something when you don't even know what it is?

Well, you see, ma'am, Henry here is a real Wheeler dealer.

And a Wheeler dealer is somebody

that loves to find places for money to go.

It's like hitching onto a star.

You may zoom up to the skies on a mighty pretty ride.

And if the star falls?

Well, then I find some way for the government

to take three-quarters of the loss.

You see, miss Thatcher,

that's the Mark of a real Wheeler dealer.

Yeah.

Investors!

That street is full of investors!

Stop it, vanson.

Look at them down there, boss.

Money, money, money... That's all they want.

Relax, vanson.

Relax? how can I relax?

I double-checked

the consolidated silicon stock transfer.

It's all perfectly legal, boss. The company's in the clear.

Be patient.

Something outrageous is bound to come along.

We haven't had a really good victim

since we smashed zircon aviation products.

Too bad you weren't around for the crash of '29.

It was heaven.

Yeah. yeah.

I've got lots of statistics, like labor supply

and power consumption in the area

and things like that.

That won't do it, sweetheart.

We need romance... Waves of the future,

ribbons of concrete across the land,

the country growing, growing, growing.

We got to build a bandwagon for these people to jump on.

I sure hope you like garlic.

We have got to figure, who are the big investors today?

Not the morgans and the rockefellers anymore.

No, it's the pension funds and union funds and mutual funds.

Right. now, you take one of these mutual-fund fellas.

Mailman brings him $20 million every day to invest.

He can't go speculating on no wildcats.

No, he got to play it cautious.

He has got to invest

just like all the other managers do.

Now, we've got to convince each one of them

that the other is buying widget.

What are you laughing at?

Your socks. I never saw those before.

What's the matter with my socks?

Well... you look like a bunny.

I look like a bunny?

I can just see you as a little boy.

Little tiny Wheeler dealer

trading a red wagon for a bicycle.

And you look so much like a bunny,

nobody could get mad.

It's time for bunny's evening nibble.

Scallopini's burning.

I appreciate the job you boys did publicizing my restaurant.

- It was great. - Great!

Did he say great?

Listen to him, buster. He calls it only great.

Only great, Mr. tyroon?

The job we did was only magnificent!

- Only stupendous! - Only fabulous!

That's all it wa... Get the book. Get the book.

You'll read the book. You'll look in the book.

You'll see.

Look. every page has got a plug for Chez-Henri.

Okay, okay. I agree.

Now I've got something else for you to take on.

You name it, we'll make it a household word.

Universal widget.

It's a little stock nobody ever heard of.

Widget.

Widget.

Widget. widget.

Widget.

- Widget. - widget.

Widget.

Wid-get.

Widget.

I can hear it now, buster. It starts as a whisper.

Then it rises to a murmur.

Until it becomes a triumphant shout

in the throats of all America!

What's a widget?

The company has something to do with communications.

Don't... don't tell us more.

We don't believe in overresearching a product.

Boys, there are laws about this sort of thing.

Now, I want a first-class job.

I want it restrained, dignified, but hard-hitting.

Say no more.

There are differences between this campaign and the...

Hold it. Hold it, Mr. tyroon. Buddy's thinking.

I got it! I got it! I go...

We launch a campaign to give America the lead

in international widgetry!

You've got to give me time, Mr. bear.

Now, in a week, I guarantee you action, or I'll resign.

But, miss Thatcher, this thing keeps dragging on and on and on.

Now, look, Mr. bear.

You promised me a month, and that month isn't up yet.

Now, is your word worth anything or isn't it?

Well, it varies.

It...

Molly Thatcher?

Thank you.

Thank you, miss Thatcher.

Maybe I did say one month, but that was...

Now, look. Look at this.

Texas mutual cooperative funds.

Right, and it's a very sizable investment in widget.

Now I've got the mutual funds interested,

and this is just the beginning.

Miss Thatcher, I owe you an apology.

Take a week, take a month... Take all the time that you like.

From the very first day that you set foot in this office,

I said to myself, "that boy is going places!"

Sure, sweetheart.

You did?

Well, now, that's what I call real wonderful.

But how did a Texas mutual-fund outfit ever get wind of it?

Well, ray Jay and Jay ray and j.R. Wanted participation,

but I wanted them to participate my way.

You see, the three of them are

the Texas mutual cooperative fund.

They act more like speculators than mutual-fund operators.

No, no, sweetheart.

They're not a mutual-funds company.

It's a cattle syndicate.

I might have known there'd be a catch someplace.

Why are you so disappointed?

Sounds like a mutual fund, doesn't it?

See where Texas mutual

is adding universal widget to their portfolio.

It's good to see an interest in widget.

And high time.

If we don't watch out,

the Soviet union will outproduce us in widgets.

You won't be the first man in this town

who turned down a good thing

because a woman brought it to his attention,

but when Texas mutual cooperative fund

moves on an issue, it's time you took a look for yourself.

Look.

It's only about 7/8 of an inch long.

The production of widgets is a masterpiece of tooling.

Any widget with a tolerance of more than 1/10,000 of an inch

is rejected.

Man

to transistorized communications.

Exactly.

Ain't no oil in Massachusetts.

I won't say there is,

and I won't say there ain't.

We made Wendell's column this morning.

Listen to this.

"Did the secretary of defense

"make a secret trip to new england yesterday

for a quickie inspection of universal widget?"

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Yeah, but we've got to ask more questions.

That's right. Questions are very important, Mr. tyroon.

You ask any question, and the public answers yes.

You mean like, "is universal widget stepping up production"

"to meet the demands of radio star,

the new communications satellite?"

Buster, he's giving off sparks.

Not bad. Not bad.

"Is Texas mutual funds pulling out of rails

"to concentrate on communications issues

such as universal widget?"

He effervesces!

He bubbles!

"Are union leaders worried

as automation steps up widget production overnight?"

Every word is mother's milk.

Gentlemen, you're great. You have done it again.

My office cabled yesterday.

There's a hot rumor going around...

A merger between rca and universal widget.

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Honey, we've got it.

What? what? What? What do we have?

Here it is.

This is the latest issue

of modern techniques and communications.

It's the technical journal of the communications industry.

Now, listen to this.

"The manufacturers of radio star,

"the new communications satellite,

"have stated that they need all the widgets

"they can possibly round up,

"because they consider them essential

to efficient production."

Then there really are widgets. They really use them?

Any fool knows

that widgets went out with flying clippers.

Well, then that paragraph doesn't make sense.

I only read one paragraph.

The whole article is about radio star,

the new communications satellite.

Now, inside the satellite,

they can't afford to waste one inch of space,

because it's got umpteen instruments.

Now, men have to mount these instruments

inside the satellite in some pretty close quarters.

Ordinary men are having an awful lot of trouble

squeezing in there and doing all this work

in those itty-bitty places.

So they're hiring midgets to do the work.

Well, then what's this about? A-a misprint?

I suppose so.

They said "widgets," and they meant "midgets."

So why don't you just get over on that little old phone

and you read that little old paragraph

to all the people on your little old list.

Henry, do you really think that...

Honey, I don't want you to tell a lie.

I want you to tell the truth,

and the truth is that modern techniques and communications

printed the statement that you are about to read.

Yeah.

45. I'll bet widget makes 60 by the first of the month.

Our girl picked a winner.

Well, not exactly. I picked it.

But she did a pretty good job with it.

Hey, look at that. 47.

Whitby, if it hits 50, take out the paper towels

and bring back the linen service.

Will you look at this, boss?!

"Widget to enter miracle drug field."

Yeah.

Well, vanson, you may be on to something.

Well, the way that stock's been going up

is little too spectacular for me.

All right.

Put the surveillance squad on it and give me a day-by-day report.

Right, boss.

I'll lay odds somebody's kiting that stock.

You know, that deduction we got

from the appraised value of them expressionists

is gonna run over 10 cents to the dollar.

I figured it closer to 12.

Henry's been a real good buddy to us this year.

He even made us money on that restaurant, too.

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking.

Old Henry's done well by us,

and we ought to do something for him.

Well, you can't give him anything.

He don't want to own a thing.

Leases everything so he can deduct it.

Must be something old Henry wants that we can help him with.

Well, I never heard of anything Henry wanted

he couldn't get for himself.

Except, well, maybe that little old girl up in New York.

- Yeah! - maybe.

Nah.

That little old girl's too stuck on the stock market

to have any time for Henry...

Any real time.

I think I know a way we can help old Henry out.

How?

Let's highball it to New York.

Yee!

Thank you. Thank you.

I want you to know

that I consider the presidency of this organization

the highest honor any girl on wall street can receive.

And I promise to use my term of office

to open more and more doors to women security analysts.

And in time, no one will dare stand in the way

of women taking their rightful place in wall street,

and between you and me, it won't be long

before I am no longer the only woman

in the inner offices of bear, osgood, and whitby.

You want me to fire my top analyst?

A woman's place is in the home,

but most women don't know it.

You got to push 'em.

Texas is gonna make Molly mighty happy, too,

even if she don't know it yet.

You want her to be happy, don't you?

Can't possibly let her go. She's my number-one boy.

Well, we think your number-one boy's ready for motherhood.

Just now, when widget is really starting to fly?

We happen to know you took a real whopping

in great eastern offshore oil.

I can't do it. It's, it's morally wrong.

Suppose we was to get you off the hook with great eastern.

You mean you'd take my whole position?

For Henry and Molly, we'll take the whole thing.

Gentlemen, I don't know what to say.

Except you make me feel humble.

Truly humble.

Out she goes.

Henry, if you knew how much i wanted to be president.

Well, that's very nice,

but it does make for some difficulties, doesn't it?

And, Henry, I want you to come to Philadelphia this weekend

to meet my parents.

They'll adore you. I hope.

Well, can we, leave for Texas from there?

Texas?

As I remember, we got a deal.

That.

Well, Henry, I know I made that deal,

but, well, my term of office is six months,

and I just can't leave now.

You can wait six months, can't you?

You made a promise, Molly. You gave me your word on it.

Please, Henry, how did I ever know I'd really be president?

A promise is a promise.

Well, I know I promised, but...

Henry, couldn't we talk it over tonight?

Well, could you drop up here, Molly?

If you'd like me to, Henry.

I could order us a little, late supper.

That would be nice.

I'm tired of restaurants, even Chez-Henri.

As a matter of fact,

a little champagne wouldn't hurt, would it?

A little champagne never hurt anybody.

Bye.

You were a great talent, stanislas.

And look at you now.

Don't you like the way I ride?

It's people like you

who give the north mediterranean neorealist movement a bad name.

The brush is outmoded as a tool of art.

Modern technology demands new means of artistic production.

Anyway, buster, it's not me that's bothering you.

You're suffering from acute lack of Molly.

Maybe you're right.

I've lost her,

and it couldn't happen at a worse time.

My psychiatrist won't speak to me when she hears about this.

You couldn't help it, man.

Tell your shrink that's the way the popsicle melts.

Brother, you didn't make the scene at all.

I was defeated by money.

Plain, common, ordinary, filthy money.

Well, that's not true.

Putting the stock over helped.

But the real thing is excitement,

win, lose, or draw.

That guy always has a good time.

He loves the game, any old game.

I can't believe it...

Molly with a half-educated, sun-dried prairie marshal.

You've been tuned in to the wrong wavelength, nardo.

Meaning what?

Underneath all that cowboy jazz,

the oversize hat, and the boot bit,

he's strictly a Yale type from Boston.

Boston? he's not from Texas?

Look, man, long ago, he figured

the best way to rub up against money was to be a texan.

Now he's been there so long, he's caught the accent.

But that Italian he speaks so well.

Majored in romance languages

in a little old Texas schoolhouse by the name of Yale.

Yale? but...

But Molly doesn't know about this deception, does she?

What if she doesn't?

Look, man, if you're gonna walk on my canvas,

the least you can do is put a little crimson on your soles.

Did you see widget this morning, Mr. b...

Sit down, miss Thatcher.

Thank you. Did you see widget this morning?

It broke through its upside resistance level... 59.

Yes. well, everybody hits a lucky fluke now and then.

A lucky fluke?!

Miss Thatcher, I've been wanting to talk to you for some time,

like a father to a daughter.

I've been watching what's been happening to you.

You've grown hard.

That tender, lovely look

you used to have in your eyes is gone.

Now they glint.

No, I have to come right out and say it.

This crass commercial world has coarsened you.

What do you mean?

No, miss Thatcher, I wouldn't want it on my conscience

that I took a lovely young girl

and let her work transform her

into a heartless, grasping dealer in the marketplace.

I-i can't just bear sitting by and watching

while I see all that is wonderful and tender in you

run out and cast aside.

You can clean out your desk.

But you said...

I have a daughter your age, Molly.

And now that I'm firing you, i may call you Molly, may I not?

You gave me your word.

But really, you'll be much happier in Texas.

Texas? did you say Texas?

That's right... I understand you're gonna have

a ticker tape in the kitchen and...

That double-crossing sidewinder!

I was ready to live up to my part of the deal,

but if he thinks he can guarantee it this way...

Now, Molly, there's no need...

Now, look, Mr. bear, I'm not part of any deals,

and I'm staying here on wall street.

With my record in widget,

I can get another job in three minutes.

By the way...

We revoked your security dealer's registration.

The papers should be in Washington by now.

Hello?

Hello. Henry?

Listen, Henry, I phoned to ask you,

how long do you want us to keep drilling holes in Massachusetts?

You know, this is gonna run you into money.

Well, finish out the day and pack up,

and I'll see you down in Texas.

See ya.

Texas.

He even went so far as to have Mr. bear revoke my registration.

I used to wonder how low a man could get, and now I know.

I don't get it.

A few hours ago, you were mooning over him.

You were ready to play the pajama game.

A few hours ago, I thought he was a man, not a snake.

Hello? yes.

Leonard, I don't want to talk now.

All right. Make it quick.

He what?!

Are you sure?!

That fraud!

Do you remember the first time i told you about Henry tyroon?

I said he was a $3 bill if I ever saw one.

Then you went through a period of inflation.

I was right. Him with his Texas booties.

Why, that phony was born and bred in Boston.

He went to Yale!

Nobody's perfect.

And the act he put on.

He even moved his lips when he read!

So he led you up the garden path.

He sure did.

But now he can just cool his heels and wait for me,

because I'll just go back to Philadelphia

where the men may be dull,

but at least they're not backbiting frauds!

As long as he's waiting for you,

why not give him some of the same?

The same what?

A stroll up the garden path.

Wait right there.

I was saving this for a rainy day.

Give me that shorty nightie.

Well, do you have to talk right now, Bo?

I'm expecting a very important visitor up here any minute.

I've got to talk now!

Henry! Henry, you ready?!

All right. Go ahead, Bo. What is it?

Henry, I don't know, but maybe we're both crazy,

but I'm watching it come up!

It's coming up! The purest oil I ever saw!

Oil in Massachusetts?

What are you taking, happy pills?

Henry, we won't even have to refine it!

Oil in Massachusetts.

The room looks wonderful, Henry.

You sure have good taste for a texan.

I got your very favorite dinner coming up in a little while,

and I got that champagney wine

cooling in its own little old bucket.

That's terrific.

I sure could use some champagney wine.

Say no more.

Hey, what you got in the little poke?

This?

My night things.

Where's the other half?

That's all there is. There isn't any more.

Better give me that coat,

or you'll be standing around with it all night long.

Come in, gentlemen.

Right over here.

Right there.

Thank you. Thank you. That will be all.

Everything looks just wonderful.

Henry, what's it really like in Texas?

Molly, you mean...

Yes. I mean.

Molly...

Well, what about the presidency?

No, no, no, Henry.

I've decided that a woman's place is in the home,

so I'm going to give up wall street

for a cookbook and a husband.

And if your home is in Texas,

then that's where my home is, too.

Molly.

Shall we chow down?

Why not? Then we'll have that out of the way.

Everything was just perfect.

It might be just the most perfect evening of my life.

You know, sweetheart,

we can get married in midland,

and then you can redo the house any way you want it.

Well, if it's your house,

I'm sure I'll like it just the way it is.

Darling...

Why don't you just leave me alone in here for a few minutes,

and you go in and slip into something more comfortable.

More comfortable?

All right, sweetheart.

You'll say when.

Of course, darling.

Henry.

When, Henry.

Molly!

You want to talk about deals, Henry tyroon?!

You want to talk about Texas?!

Molly! what's this all about?!

Don't play innocent with me!

Molly!

I was ready to give up my presidency for you,

but you had to wrap it up, didn't you?!

No! Molly! You had to get me fired!

You had to get my registration revoked!

Well, nobody gets me by double-deal...

Don't!

Nobody gets me that way.

You like this thing so much, you wear it yourself.

Molly, I didn't get you fired! I didn't do any of those things!

I suppose you'd swear it on the state of Texas! - The whole state!

Well, you can drop that little act, too,

because you're a Boston boy with a Yale degree,

and I think you got it in double-dealing.

I know what you're doing.

It's an act to try to weasel out of your bargain!

Me weasel my way...

Molly! Molly!

Molly!

- Hi, Molly. - Hi.

Martini.

In the kitchen, all made.

What's with the phone?

Henry's been calling me all day.

I have a sore arm from hanging up.

Eloise gets telephone action, too, remember?

Hello?

Hold on. I'll see.

It's Henry tyroon. What shall I tell him?

Tell him to go soak his head.

Molly says you should go soak your head.

Hello?

Yes, Mr. tyroon.

He says he's drying off his head.

What was that?

Well, I'll try.

Molly?

I love you.

What?

Well, that's what he told me to tell you.

Tell him I'll get him arrested

as soon as I can think up a charge.

She says she's going to have you arrested

as soon as she can think up a charge.

Come in.

Mr. Henry tyroon?

That's me.

What's that?

- Subpoena. - for what?

Fraud... in the matter of universal widget.

Molly!

Defendants are charged with violations

in the investment company act, the erie canal act,

sections 14 through 23 of the interstate commerce act,

conspiracy to lurk, entailment...

Mr. vanson, this indictment seems to be

a little enthusiastic.

Well, they're a pretty slippery bunch, your honor.

I had to throw the book at them.

Mr. vanson, this court intends to whittle down...

Whittle down, you understand? The relevant evidence.

The last security case I sat on took five years.

I don't intend to spend five years

on this one, you understand?

Now, we'll stick to the bare bones.

The bare bones, you understand?

We'll get out of here by lunchtime, you understand?

Lunchtime.

Now go ahead. Go ahead. Proceed.

All I did was read to them

exactly what was written in the magazine.

Aha!

And you consider that perfectly ethical?

Well, I was desperate.

My boss wanted to fire me, and I wanted to keep my job.

Then it was a little unethical.

Now, I can't let her take the rap for that, your honor.

She never would have thought of it

if I hadn't told her about it.

Now, hold on, Mr. tyroon.

Your attorney will give you ample opportunity to speak

at the proper time.

Proceed, Mr. vanson.

Now, miss Thatcher, you took this weekend trip

to Massachusetts with Mr. tyroon.

What were your relations with him?

We were business associates... That and nothing else.

You were business associates... That and nothing else.

Thank you, miss Thatcher.

I now call to the stand Mr. Horace pillsbury.

You are Horace pillsbury,

night clerk in the cotton mather inn, are you not?

I am, and there ain't much escapes me.

Mr. pillsbury, have you ever seen

these two business associates before?

Yes, sir.

They checked into the cotton mather inn

on, Tuesday night, July 16th.

There ain't much escapes me.

Can you describe the nature of the accommodations

these business associates took? Your honor!

Your honor, that question's improper and irrelevant.

Your honor, we submit that this line of questioning

has absolutely nothing to do with this case.

No, no, no, no.

It has everything to do with the charges.

Much of this case depends

upon the credibility of the witnesses.

I plan to prove to the court

that their testimony is unreliable.

If that's the purpose of the questioning, you may proceed.

Thank you, sir!

Now, Mr. pillsbury,

will you please answer the question?

Well, that business associate

took one room with a double bed,

and that business associate took the adjoining room.

And they shared the connecting bath.

Aha!

So much for the witness's claim

that the defendants were business associates

and nothing else.

Next witness, please.

Mr. Thaddeus whipple.

Now, Mr. whipple,

did you lease the subsoil rights to Mr. tyroon?

You mean that crazy fellow over there? I sure did.

He paid good money for them, and he can have them.

Ain't no oil in Massachusetts.

What about the oil Mr. tyroon claims to have discovered there?

He struck oil, all right.

He struck a pipeline runs right underneath our property.

Pipeline?

Pure diesel.

Did, he know there was a pipeline there?

Can't say he did, can't say he didn't.

Did you tell him there was a pipeline there?

Of course not. He didn't ask me.

Mr. whipple, does the pipeline company know

its oil is being diverted?

They ought to.

My brother lemuel's their lawyer,

and he filed suit this morning.

He charges trespassing, damage to property,

and a lot of other things.

Your brother's suing you?

Not me. Suing them crazy texans.

They own the subsoil rights, not me.

Now, Mr. tyroon,

suppose you tell the court the real reason

for your trip to Massachusetts.

Like I said, a sort of picnic.

See, I'd met this pretty girl who for once had some brains,

and she was having a little trouble with a stock report,

so I figured I'd combine a little business with pleasure.

Well, it was a way of courting her.

I opened my bathroom door, and there you are,

brushing your teeth in your underwear!

No outbursts, miss Thatcher.

I slept in the car, your honor, and let me tell you.

It was cold out there.

Will the witnesses please confine themselves

to the purposes of this hearing?

Then the real reason for your trip

was your interest in that young lady?

Well, you might say so. And I'm still interested.

I suppose that's why you got me fired.

I didn't get...

Again, I must ask the witnesses that...

Please, your honor, I just have to speak.

I didn't even know she got fired.

Now, I'm willing to take half the blame.

- I'll take a quarter. - I'll take an eighth.

Let's take 5/16ths and split it three ways.

I'm only the judge here, but will somebody let me in

on the significance of this testimony?

What Henry says is true, your honor.

We got miss Thatcher let go in trade for some stock,

but we meant well.

Henry.

Henry!

Witnesses will refrain from hugging and kissing.

Y-your honor, Mr. tyroon shouldn't be a defendant.

I was the one who wanted to sell widget,

and I didn't much care how I did it.

Presumably not, young lady.

Trading in this stock stopped when it reached its peak.

Everyone has sold it so far as a profit.

What about the innocent people who are still holding it?

We whipples hold 48 %.

Always have and always will.

We hold another 48 %, your honor.

We figured as long as Henry was interested,

- there just had to be a reason. - Yes, sir.

You bought this stock from everybody?

That's right, your honor.

Guess our 48 % and Mr. whipple's 48 % makes us partners.

Howdy, partner.

Now, you stop that.

There's still 4 % stock outstanding.

Soon as I get it, i don't want to hear no talk

about partnerships from you, y-you... cowboy!

Well, now, the fact is, your honor,

I have the other 4 %.

Now, if Mr. whipple there

is interested in purchasing my percentage,

which represents the balance of power...

Let me see now.

$1.2 million, paintings, the restaurant...

I don't think a half a million dollars

is asking too much, is it?

Since this situation has removed the stock from public ownership,

this court now considers that the case

is beyond the jurisdiction

of the federal securities commission.

Case dismissed.

Kiss now.

Thank you, your honor.

Afternoon, miss Thatcher.

Howdy, partner.

Take good care of my boy.

Thank you, Mr. bear.

Henry, I'll take a fourth of the action.

And I'll take three-fourths of his fourth.

Figure me in for a fifth,

and I'll loan you my helicopter.

No dice, boys.

This is a private corporation.