Original subtitles

J You're always there when I need you J

J I can count on you all right »

J If the world would end, I'd just call you J

J And you'd fix it overnight &

J If I wanted the sun, I bet you J

J Would deliver it to me &

J You're always there when I need you J

J And I need you constantly J

J These are dangerous days we're living in J

J And many times I feel like giving in &

J But I never, never do J

J Instead I turn to you J

J You're too smart to be true J

J You're always there when I need you J

J Heaven must have sent you here J

J It's a miracle J

J Somehow you make disasters disappear J

JI You make every little feeling

J There is nothing that you won't try J»

J You're always there when I need you J

J And I'll need you till I die &

J Need you J

J Need you J

J Need you J

J You're always there J

J When I need you J

J I can count on you J

J All right &

J If the world would end &

J I'd just call you J»

J And you'd fix it overnight &

J If you wanted the sun J

J I bet you J

J Would deliver it to me &

J You're always there J

J When I need you J

J And I need you constantly J

J Oh, I'm gonna need you, baby

J Oh, baby... &

J Yes, Iam 7

J Yeah, yeah...l

J I'm gonna need you, baby J

J I need you, baby J

J Oh, baby, yeah, yeah, yeah... J

Hey, your boot's ringin'.

Oh, is that my boot?

I thought it was yours.

Yes, well, I think I'll take it outside.

Answer it here.

Uh, answer it here.

Yeah, on second thought,

I think I'll answer it here.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 here.

Max, this is The Chief.

This better be important, Chief.

What is your situation?

Well, I'm 10,000 feet in the air

facing a squad of killers...

who I think know who I am.

How many?

Well, counting the guy with the gun in my face, 18.

Get rid of them and get back here immediately.

Right, Chief.

Well, gentlemen, sorry, but orders are orders.

Ah, ahh!

All right. You guys stay here.

I'll go out and get him and bring him back.

What is it now, Chief?

Max, I wanna know what's happening.

Ahh!

I'm falling at a speed of 120 miles an hour...

from a height of approximately 8,000 feet.

I'm gonna open my parachute.

Should be on the ground in two minutes.

Would you believe two seconds?

Nations of the world...

this is KAOS...

the all-powerful organization of evil and tyranny

speaking to you from our secret headquarters.

We have in our power a devastating new weapon

capable of systematically destroying all known fabrics

which exist in the world.

It is called "The Nude Bomb."

I am prepared to detonate this bomb

in every single nation,

eradicating each fiber,

every last swatch of cloth,

rendering the entire world completely nude.

Every man, woman, and child

on the face of this earth

is at the mercy of KAOS

if our demands are not met.

These demands...

will be forthcoming.

That is all for now.

Have a nice day.

Uh, good work, 86. You made it.

Hello, Chief.

Well, I see you're using the stair ramp.

Pretty tight security, eh? What's up?

A big one, 86. KAOS. KAOS?

The international organization of evil and rottenness, eh?

We're really up against it this time, 86.

The fate of the entire world is in your hands.

Oh, no, not again.

Well, okay, this time,

but next week I'm on vacation, Chief.

If you get in trouble then, it's your ass.

You know, Chief, this Nude Bomb might solve a lot of problems.

Such as?

Well, for one thing, flashers.

Only you would think of that, Max.

That's why they pay me the big bucks.

And there'd be no more trouble with concealed weapons.

I mean, if everyone is nude, there'll be no place to hide a gun or a knife.

Well, there is a place, but it could be painful.

Activate the wash.

This is your team.

Now, Larabee, you already know.

Why don't the rest of you just introduce yourselves?

My name is Carruthers.

Just a minute. Ladies first please.

I'm Agent 36,

and I can't tell you how thrilled I am

to be working with the world's most well-known secret agent,

the Maxwell Smart.

Oh, you've heard of me.

Who hasn't? You're a legend, 86.

While I was studying with the Spy Academy,

I reviewed every one of your cases.

Oh. Well, wouldn't you like to hear my side of the story?

I think you're wonderful.

Oh, you have heard my side of the story.

I'm Dr. Jerry Krovney and this is my sister Dr. Pam Krovney.

No kidding? Listen, Doc,

I got a little pain right about here.

See, I went to this Japanese restaurant,

and I had a chili dog--

Max, Max, they're not medical doctors.

They're doctors in the field of technology.

They are computer analysts.

You're kidding? That's fantastic!

Thank you.

Okay, old-timer, you're next.

My name is Carruthers.

I'm in charge of special tactical weaponry

and logistical support.

I'm responsible for your life

while you're on this assignment.

Well, I certainly hope you're up to it, old-timer,

because there are a lot of people out there that would like to see me dead.

They're not all out there.

Deactivate the wash.

By the way, Chief, what was the nation's reaction

to the KAOS broadcast?

Were they frightened?

- Angry. - Angry?

Well, they interrupted a soap opera.

Which one? As The Earth Turns.

Well, I don't blame them.

That's my favorite soap opera.

Do you realize that Jessica is knocked up?

You know, that's-- Max, Max, please, please!

Could we get on with this, please?

Rendezvous point one.

The President should be calling in a minute and 20 seconds.

He's gonna let us know where to meet him.

Chief, your rear view pipe.

What about it? You got it?

Yes. Let me have it.

What's the matter?

I think we're being followed.

I was right. Duck, Chief! Oh!

Max!

She's on our side!

She's one of your team.

22 has been assigned to back you up.

Agent 86, Agent 22.

You shot at me.

I'm sorry, but you drew your gun,

and I had to protect myself.

Well, you could've killed me.

Oh, no. I aimed for your gun.

I put my bullet in your barrel.

You put your bullet in my barrel?

Max?

Of course. The ol' bullet-in-the-barrel trick.

But suppose you'd missed and hit me?

Max, I want this to be a harmonious relationship.

Well, I'm sorry if I was out of line, 22.

I'm sure you're a very good marksperson,

but we all make mistakes.

And if there's one thing I've learned in many, many years of experience,

is that you cannot be too careful with your gun.

Excuse me.

Ahem.

Are you all right?

Missed it by that much.

Excuse me.

PITS.

Yes, Mr. President.

Bye, Mr. President.

22, take cover.

Right, Chief.

See you later, 86.

Right, 22.

22?

Where the hell did she go?

You know she graduated at the top of her class?

Majored in vanishing.

But she's always there when you need her.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 here.

This is the President speaking.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. President?

Mr. Smart, because of the highly sensitive nature

of this Nude Bomb threat,

I've arranged for us to rendezvous in this unorthodox manner

than risk any form of security leak.

Any form of what, sir?

Security leak.

I'm sorry, sir, but I can't hear you

because of the traffic noise.

Security leak!

Oh, that. Yes, sir, thank you.

Mr. Smart, I've just received the KAOS demands.

We're in severe trouble.

They're insisting the United Nations pool its resources

and pay KAOS a monthly rent of $10 billion.

Well, that's blackmail, sir.

I know, but my information is...

the United Nations is ready to capitulate.

Ah, blow it out your ass!

Blow it out my what?

Oh, no, not you, 86.

Now, listen.

They've called an emergency session

at the Security Council.

They meet at noon.

Mr. Smart, I want you to be there.

Right, sir.

Now, you realize, Mr. Smart,

that once KAOS learns of your mission,

they'll stop at nothing.

You'll be in imminent danger...

constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.

And...loving it.

I don't think Carruthers expects us this early.

I hope he moved your things over from your old apartment.

22, we'll be out in about five minutes.

Okay. Chief, you may have been followed.

A black truck just turned the corner.

Well, check it out.

Will do.

And, uh, stay out of sight.

Right.

Watch your step, 86.

Now, remember, Max, when you use this entrance-- Gotcha, Chief.

You knock the bell and ring the knocker, right?

Right.

As I was explaining, Max, the door is the wall

and the wall is the door.

Unless you make the mistake of ringing the bell

and knocking on the door.

Then the wall will electrocute you.

You're early. I'm not ready.

Max just came to pick up a few things, Carruthers.

We'll be out of your way in a minute.

All right. In that case, I have in this box a--

Now, just a minute, Carruthers.

Let me see if I get this straight.

What you're trying to tell me

is that that telephone activates that wall?

Actually, it's not a telephone, 86.

It's a master control panel.

There's another one over there.

Now, I have in this box-- Wait a minute.

What do I use for a telephone?

That stapler.

Now, I have in this-- A stapler telephone?

That's fantastic, Carruthers.

Can it also be used as a stapler?

No.

Oh, well, you better work on that.

What's in the box, Carruthers?

We don't have all day, you know.

We made you a new shoe phone, 86.

Ah! Touch-tone dialing. Very good.

And in the event you're indisposed...

my latest innovation.

Oh. Shoe answer phone.

Very practical, Carruthers.

Now, when you wanna go to bed,

you press that top button there

and it activates the bedroom wall.

And now I've got to activate your filing cabinet.

Well, Carruthers has really done an exceptional job

this time, hasn't he?

You know, you ought to thank him, Max.

You thank him, Chief.

The only thing that's on my mind right now

is why is there a KAOS agent in my bedroom?

What the hell are you talking about?

Shh. Listen.

Now, let's not be hasty, Max.

This could be one of Carruthers' Men.

No chance. He would've mentioned it.

Look, just let me handle it, Chief.

And above all, try not to panic.

Drop that gun and put up your hands.

Not you, Max.

Come over here.

Who are you and what are you doing here?

I'm Harrington. I'm on Carruthers' special staff.

I came in here to make a last-minute check for hidden microphones.

A likely story. Don't trust him, Chief.

Why not?

Eh, why not? Why not?

Yes, why not? Well, for one thing, he has a foreign accent.

A foreign accent?

I don't hear any foreign accent.

What kind of an accent?

Eh, what kind of an accent?

Eh, Chinese.

Chinese?!

Eh, would you believe Japanese?

Max, not another word.

Italian? You--

Let's see your identification.

All right, Harrington, you can go.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Hey, Chief. Have you ever seen this?

This is a picture of Agent 13 and me.

That's Agent 13 in the trash can.

Agent 13 would be terrific on this case.

No. You're already dangerously overstaffed, Max.

But Chief, Agent 13 is one of the best

undercover men in the business.

Why, he could be in a room with you

and you wouldn't even know it!

I wish you would reconsider, Chief.

I'm telling you that Agent 13 is one of the best.

He's top drawer.

Uh, bottom drawer, Max.

13, what are you doing here?

We always work together, don't we, Max?

Not on this job.

Ma--

Let's go.

Ahem.

Chief, Chief! Believe me.

You cannot get anybody better than Agent 13 for this job.

22, can I see you a minute?

Sure, Chief. Oh.

All right, all right. You can have Agent 13.

Thank you, Chief. What's up?

Well, Max has to go to the United Nations

and you're going to back him up.

Of course.

Good.

That girl worries me a lot, Chief.

What ever happened to our regulations regarding female agents?

They're supposed to be unmarried, without dependents,

and willing to fool around a lot.

Here comes that black truck.

Of course, the ol' big-black-truck trick.

Down!

Max, take cover!

Max! Watch out!

Well, Max, KAOS knows you're on the job.

I've never seen that maneuver before.

Falling over backwards and coming up shooting...

When did you first think of that?

The second my foot hit this banana peel.

PITS has picked Maxwell Smart to work against us.

But it's to our advantage.

Stop mumbling through that ridiculous affectation.

This affectation, my dear Nino,

is more than a disguise.

It's my latest innovation.

Besides being perfectly coordinated

stylistically with this ensemble,

this fabric filters every last particle,

each microorganism of a polluted world.

I'm telling you Maxwell Smart has been put on the case!

Maxwell Smart is a fool and a bumbler.

So, how do you explain how this bumbler

has been able to thwart KAQS constantly in the past?

He's a lucky bumbler.

I also know an attempt was made on his life.

Did you order that? Yes!

He's dangerous.

On the contrary, my dear Nino.

He's invaluable.

I planted a double agent in PITS...

Hence, we have on Maxwell Smart's team

a constant continuity of information

who will apprise us of every move he makes.

Uh-huh. You're really taking over, aren't you?

I rather look upon my contribution

as an enormous help to both of us.

It's no help to have Smart go to the U.N.

He could convince them we don't mean business.

An antidote to that is to drop the bombs.

Drop the bombs! That's all you think!

Drop the bombs!

we'll drop the bombs when I say, "Drop the bombs."

Calm down, dear Nino.

I don't understand these outbursts.

You've become highly irrational

since that explosion in your laboratory...

when you lost your eye, your arm, your leg,

your larynx...

What's wrong with you?

You're a fool!

If we kill the goose, where is the golden egg?

If we destroy the world, who'll pay us the money?

However, your plan does have some merit.

we'll drop just a few bombs.

Limited warfare. Ha!

Very civilized.

Present arms!

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Please, please. Let us not panic.

It is perfectly obvious to me what has happened here.

KAOS has merely tried to confuse us

by using the ol' fake-naked trick.

Of course!

The old-a fake-a naked trick!

Uh, what's the old-a fake-a naked trick?

They have employed and hired

hundreds of people to appear naked

in different countries throughout the entire world.

It's an old trick, but they have not fooled me.

In a top secret discussion of such a sensitive nature,

we cannot risk being bugged.

I suggest that we activate the Cones of Silence.

For security reasons, we shall activate

the Cones of Silence.

There are advantages to nudity.

It might eliminate war.

Without uniforms, no one will know who the enemy is.

We will know.

We can have uniforms made out of metal.

Aluminum is good!

It's light. You can march in it.

You can paint your medals on it.

A-uniforms! A-uniforms!

And stop already with-a your uniforms

get us in the last war!

I would advise you not to talk to me like that.

You have relatives in Germany?

I can talk any way I like.

I got relatives in Chicago.

Gentlemen, trust me. I know what I'm talking about.

There is no such thing as a Nude Bomb.

There never has been a Nude Bomb,

and there never will be a Nude Bomb.

How was the U.N., Max?

Very cooperative, Larabee.

It's a fine organization.

Max, I've been thinking about it,

and if they decide to drop the Nude Bomb,

I know the answer.

Well?

Well, what?

Don't you wanna know the answer? No.

Food. Food?

Sure. The whole world will start wearing food.

Larabee, that is the stupidest thing

I have ever heard in my entire life.

The whole world will start wearing food?

I have heard you say some dumb things, Larabee,

but that's gotta be the dumbest thing

I have ever heard come out of your mouth.

People wearing food! Forget it, Larabee.

Just forget it.

Food. Jesus!

What kind of food?

Fruits, vegetables, fish...

but not too much red meat.

You wear red meat a couple of times a week,

that's plenty.

But this is crazy!

Why? We're just going back to the Bible.

Now, what did Adam and Eve wear

to cover up the good parts?

Fig leaves. Now, that's food.

Now, you take a head of Romaine lettuce.

That will clothe a family of six.

You buy a flank steak,

you throw it over your shoulders,

and you got a stole.

Cantaloupe. You cut it in half,

scoop out the inside, and you got a bra.

What holds the bra up?

Linguini.

Linguini?

Larabee, that's insane.

Do you realize that the whole world

is facing a food shortage as itis?

Max, this will work.

People for the first time will know where

their next meal's coming from.

They'll be wearing it.

They'll wear it two or three times,

then you'd eat it.

Won't it spoil?

Not if you're neat.

What has neatness got to do with it?

Well, you can't take your clothes off

and throw 'em over a chair anymore.

You got to learn to fold them neatly

and put them in the refrigerator.

Larabee, you can just drop me off in front.

Why are we going in this way?

Wait till you see Carruthers' invention, Max.

See you later, Max.

Got our first break, Smart.

Man named Seigle responded

to the distribution of the photographs.

Said he'd call you back.

Don't tie up that stapler, Carruthers.

Seigle may call back any minute.

Carruthers here.

I'm leaving the stapler location.

I'll be at my piano number in half an hour.

If you need me earlier, call me on my jock strap.

But please just ring once.

All right! Smart, I'll explain this desk to you

and then get the hell out of here.

That won't be necessary, Carruthers.

I've seen desks before.

Not like this one.

This is the latest in counter-attack furniture.

The D-1 Turbocharger Desk Mobile.

This desk can go from 0 to 60 in five seconds

and can cruise at 80 miles an hour.

It was built for the cost of $12 million.

Get on.

See that key in the drawer?

Turn it.

Of course!

The ol dashboard-in-the-drawer trick!

To activate the armament, you press the knob marked

"air conditioning."

How do you turn on the air conditioning?

There is no air conditioning.

There is no air conditioning?

Are you kidding?

$12 million for this thing,

and no air conditioning?

You better work on that, Carruthers.

How much mileage do you get on this thing?

35 on the highway, 12 in the living room.

Well, that's not bad for an American make.

That's because it doesn't run on gasoline.

It runs on ink.

This thing runs on ink?

That's fantastic, Carruthers!

Why, do you realize that could be the answer to the fuel shortage?

I'm afraid not. Special kind of ink.

Comes from Saudi Arabia.

Well, Smart, that's it.

Make sure to change drawers every 6,000 miles.

Mine or the desk's?

That depends on who's chasing you.

I'm sure I'll see you later.

It's been that kind of day.

Ahh!

22, don't do that to me! How did you get in here?

Through the wall. Through the wall?

Well, what do you want?

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking since we met,

and I feel we got off on the wrong foot.

You know, things would run a lot smoother

if we became friends.

Let's stop beating around the bush, 22.

What's you're after is my body! 86!

Well, just put it out of your mind

because it won't work.

I don't know what you may have heard about me,

but I am not easy.

Look, I think you've got this all wrong.

I'll be-- I know. I know. You'll be gentle.

I've heard that one before.

Sure, and as soon as I relax,

you'll be all over me.

And then when the case is over,

I'll never hear from you again.

Max! Ah, so now it's "Max."

See! That's what I was afraid of.

Look, 22. When I'm on a case,

I don't fool around.

I mean, before a case, maybe.

After a case, definitely.

During a case, never.

Never? Never.

Hmm?

After. Definitely.

Freeze!

36...

What are you doing in my bed?

Well, Carruthers called about Seigle.

I rushed right over and you weren't here,

and I hadn't slept in 48 hours,

so I thought I'd take a shower to wake myself up.

But it didn't work.

I'm sorry, Max.

I guess I fell asleep on the job.

I suppose nothing like that's ever happened to you.

I'm going to change into my clothes.

Oh, Max!

Would you hand me the bra and panties on the chair?

Uh, Max? Huh?!

22! Excuse me.

I just got instructions from Carruthers

to activate the voice-print monitoring system

for the Seigle call... on all the extensions.

What was that?

Uh, what was what?

Didn't the toilet just flush?

Uh, the toilet, yes.

Uh, well, that's another one of Carruthers' inventions.

It's, uh, an automatic flusher.

You seg, it, uh, it flushes every hour on the hour,

whether you want it to or not.

It's also a clock.

Uh, two flushes. That's two a flush.

Uh, 2:00.

3:00.

Well, time certainly flies

when you're having fun, doesn't it?

Well, you should be running along, 22.

It's getting kind of late.

What is that in your hand?

Uh, that! That's my bra.

Your bra?

Uh, would you believe my training bra?

Mm-mm.

22, I can explain this bra in five seconds.

Uh, these panties are gonna take a little longer.

It isn't necessary.

Ah, but it is necessary, 22.

You see! They're a disguise from a former mission.

Max, where are my bra and...

panties? Uh...

36, you know 22. 22, 36.

Mm-hmm.

Now, wait a minute, 22!

I can explain anything!

I mean, I can explain everything.

I did not know that 36 was in my bedroom.

When I came into my bedroom, there was 36 lying on my bed

in my bathrobe.

Uh, so, uh, then when I came in,

she was embarrassed, you see,

so she went into the bathroom

and she asked me to bring in her clo--

her--her clothes.

So, that's when I went to get her clothes--

her panties and her bra.

See, and I went to bring them in.

That's when you came in, she came out,

and that's the whole story in a nutshell.

Well, what do you think?

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

This is the last time

I ever tell the truth to a woman.

Look, the next time you come over here,

don't wear my bra and panties.

Uh, your bra and panties. That's an order.

That could be Seigle.

Hello?

My name is Jonathon Levinson Seigle.

I own Jonathon of Paris here in New York.

I have information

which could determine the fate of the entire world

and civilization as it is known today.

You got a minute?

Of course.

I received a photograph

of that fellow that broadcasts for KAOS on television,

and suddenly I remembered...

Yes?

I had a model who worked for me,

came in late one day

vearinga dress with the exact same pattern--

a plum paisley.

Now, listen. This is very important, Mr. Seigle.

Can you put me in touch with this model?

Uh, look, Mr. Smart, this is not a good time.

I've beenvaiting for a buyer,

and she's finally here.

Uh, why don't you come by my place--

1711 7th Avenue--

tonight, exactly 5:00.

Could be 5:15.

Mr. Seigle?

He's been shot, 22.

See what you can do for him.

I'm gonna check out the back.

Relax, relax. Calm down, ladies.

You have nothing to fear from me.

I'm a government agent.

I advise you to keep this door shut and locked.

Whoever it was got away. Is this Seigle? Yes.

How is he?

I think he's dying. I'll call an ambulance.

Mr. Seigle, did you see who did it?

It was a man.

It was a man who...

Too late.

Better call the morgue.

Just a second.

Ambulance.

It was a big man, a tall man.

I'd say, uh, 42 long.

Did you notice anything else about him?

He had a patch over one eye.

Morgue.

What's your hurry?

Ambulance.

He also had one leg and one arm.

One leg and one arm?

Why didn't you tell me that before?

You didn't ask me if he was hard to fit.

Morgue.

Just a few minutes.

Ambulance.

When you called me,

you told me you had information

about the Nude Bomber.

I think...

Who should I call?

Morgue?

Ambulance.

Get me a fair deal, Andy, with Ernest Ainsley.

Oh, Mr. Seigle, you've got to try to remember!

Now, you said there was this model that worked for you

that wore a dress with the same paisley pattern

as the man in the photograph.

Ah, something was happening.

Uh, what is this?

The fuckin' Indianapolis 5007?

Ugh.

- Hey. - Mr. Seigle!

Mr. Seigle, say something!

Vhiplash!Oy!

Watch where you're goin', fella.

Oh, Doctor.

How is he? Will he be all right?

I think so. His vital signs are encouraging,

but he's very weak.

We have to ask him some questions.

He can't talk.

Can he type?

I'm sorry. You can't go in there.

Doctor, it is absolutely vital that we speak to him.

This is an international emergency.

That man in there has information

that could determine the fate of the entire world.

Well...

22, do you mind? Let me handle this.

I've dealt with doctors before.

Now, look, Doctor, we want in.

Please? Okay.

See?

Mr. Seigle... Huh?

We desperately need to know the name of the model

who wore the dress.

Can you help us, Mr. Seigle?

What did he say?

He asked me to take my hand out of his groin.

What did he say?

He wants you to put your hand in his groin.

Mr. Seigle, please, can you help us?

I...

He's too weak to talk.

He's humming the information to us.

That's Hello, Dolly.

The model's name must be Dolly.

Mr. Seigle, Dolly, Dolly.

This Dolly... Where can we find this Dolly?

Darn, I know that tune.

I know it. I know that tune.

Now, don't tell me. I know it.

California, Here I Come.

I told you I knew it.

She's somewhere in California.

Where in California, Mr. Seigle?

In Hollywood.

Los Angeles.

Los Angeles.

Mr. Seigle, you said you knew the name of the man

who designed the paisley dress...

"I wanna be...

"in that number,

when the saints go marchin' in.

DOCTOR, SMART, AGENT 22: "Oh, when the saints

go marchin' in...

Oh, when the saints go

marchin' in... "Go marchin' in..."

Well, I want to be..."

Mr. Seigle?

Mr. Seigle!

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave.

Doctor, you've got to give us a little more time.

I must ask him one more question.

We've got to find out what he meant by

When the Saints Go Marching In.

It's too late. He's asleep.

Well, at least we have some information

to feed into the computer.

We know about Dolly

and we know about California.

Yes. And we also know that somehow

KAOS has advanced information on every action we take.

Well, no matter how clever they may be,

no one, not even KAQOS, can anticipate my every move.

Nothing on When The Saints Go Marching In,

but as for Dolly...

Do you have a make on her?

Subject's full name is Dolly Francine Winston.

Address--2211 Beach Avenue Santa Monica, CA 90402

That's fantastic!

What does she do?

Interesting background.

She traveled with Isaac Stern as his accompanist

on 20 concerts worldwide.

Prior to that, she was a curator

specializing in Pre-Columbian restoration

at the Pyramids of Teotihuacan.

And she voyaged with the Cousteau expedition

as a consultant on bathyspheric pressure studies.

Hmm. What is she doing now?

She's a tour guide at Universal Studios.

Well, she certainly has the background for it.

Well, thank you very much. You've been very helpful.

Oh, just one more question, Doctor.

Yes?

Are you sure this is the right Dolly Winston?

Positive.

Why do you ask?

Well, I once knew a Dolly Winston,

traveled with the Benny Goodman band.

She was a singer? No.

She just traveled with the band.

What happened here?

Ask the landlady.

We're government agents. What happened?

I didn't see that.

That doesn't look anything like you.

It's my thumb print.

Okay.

Was that Dolly?

That was Dolly. Dolly Winston?

Mm-hmm. What happened?

A man--a man with a patch over his eye.

And one arm? And a limp.

Of course! They knew we were coming again, but how?

He ripped the room apart. He destroyed everything.

May we see the room?

It's $300 a month.

Of course, you realize it's a mess right now,

but once we get it cleaned up,

I may have to charge my cleaning fee

a little higher than usual.

But as a rule, we're very clean,

and the apartment is such a mess, we...

And the bathroom is just down the hall.

You are so lucky.

The plum paisley dress isn't here.

The plum paisley. That was her favorite.

But she never kept it here.

She kept it in her locker at the studio

for when she went out on dates right from work.

We got here as soon as we could, 13.

Who're you working with?

Agent 22 is my backup right over here.

Hi, 13.

Oh, hi, 22.

Where's the locker room?

Oh, it's over there.

Women only. I better go get the dress.

I didn't know 22 was your backup.

She's really something, isn't she?

Yes, she's very nice.

I knew her when she was married to Agent 78.

22 was married to the late, great 787?!

Wasn't he a little old for her?

Well, let's see, 22 was 21 when she married 78 in 72.

78 was 46. That means 78 was 22, 32, 42--

25 years older than 22.

22 joined PITS when 78 died in 75.

Tell me, 13, how was 78 killed?

Investigating the Numbers racket.

Max, help!

22, are you all right?

He clubbed me.

A man...he grabbed the dress and...and went out the door.

That way, 22!

Now, there are rules to movie fighting!

The villain always gets in the first punch.

I counter with a left,

I get him in the stomach, toss him in the window...

That's why movie fights look realer.

Now we have a little gun play.

After a fist fight, there has to be a movie shootout.

They're using real bullets!

You have blundered into a Cylon Battle Zone.

You are now our prisoners.

Do not attempt to escape.

Move forward immediately

or we will blast you.

All stations stand by...

Power beams on.

Stand by.

Activate primary thrusters.

Activate...

Ignition sequence.

All systems ready... stand by...

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're about to see a close-up of one of the most famous

structures in motion picture history--

a house used in the Alfred Hitchcock thriller Psycho.

You remember the thriller...

Stay all together and do not stray off...

We've gotta take this tram.

There are people on it.

Tell 'em it's part of the tour.

They could get killed. So, what?

We're not charging 'em for it.

This tram is overloaded.

Tell 'em they can walk on water.

It's part of the tour.

All right, now, you're all Israelites.

You're going to go into the water

and experience what Moses did.

Everybody up! One, two, three!

Max, duck!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Your damn vanity could have led Smart right to us.

Fairly empty accusation considering

it was you, my dear Nino, who gave the whole damn dress

to your lady friend.

Smart has seen me. He should be eliminated.

Yes, I'm afraid we'll have to kill him...

if he gets too close.

We're getting close, 86.

Name.

Nino Salvatori Sebastiani.

Subject was victim of violent laboratory explosion

which occurred the afternoon of November 24th.

Wasn't that on Thanksgiving Day?

That's not important, Larabee.

Subject sustained the loss of one arm,

one leg, one eye, and one turkey.

Told you.

I think what Larabee is really trying to say

is that the explosion in the laboratory

took place while Nino was working on the Nude Bomb.

And Nino Salvatori Sebastiani

could be the Nude Bomber himself.

Question is, where do we find Nino Salvatori Sebastiani

within the next...36 hours?

Uh, this may help. He was recently divorced

from Edith Von Secondberg.

She's a reputable fashion designer

currently vacationing in Innsbruck, Austria.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Okay, I'm off!

Agent 34?

86, welcome to Innsbruck.

Uh, thank you.

Shall we go?

Fill me in on Edith Von Secondberg.

She's a famous fashion designer.

Cherishes her seclusion.

However, she does like her men.

A bit of charm and you may get what you want.

Bit of charm, eh?

Well, I've used that weapon many times before.

If that's what it takes to get the information,

I may let her have her way.

And if necessary...

I'll go the limit.

Uh-oh!

Just our luck!

We gotta run into a poisonous Achtung.

That means "attention."

Uh, there has been an avalanche.

Well, what do we do now?

Oh, don't worry.

I'll get us out in a second.

Meanwhile, why don't you slip in your ski boots?

Carruthers has adapted them with your usual equipment.

Now, the road is blocked.

We have to do the rest of the way on skis.

You know how to ski, don't you?

I'm gonna try and forget you said that.

Slip into those bindings.

If you don't lock them in place correctly,

they can be very difficult to get off.

Almost impossible.

They freeze shut.

All set?

I'll be right behind you.

You're the boss, 86.

What took ya so long?

Oh, boy, you are fast.

I couldn't even see you pass me.

Okay, 34, you better get out of sight.

Let me help you with your skis.

If it'll make you feel better.

The bindings are stuck.

They're frozen. Got a cigarette lighter?

34...listen.

Someone's coming to the door.

Get out of sight.

Good luck, 86.

Shh. You mustn't knock.

No noise whatsoever...

or that will come down.

Won't you come in?

We can talk inside.

Wouldn't you prefer to leave your skis... outside?

In this neighborhood? Are you kidding?

You're quite witty.

And charming.

Who are you?

My name is Maxwell Smart.

I'm an insurance salesman from Mutual of Austria...

and I have come here

to sell you avalanche insurance.

Really?

I'm most interested.

Well, I'm preparing some hot buttered rum.

Would you like to join me?

Uh, no, thank you.

If you're chilled, Mr. Smart,

why don't you stand by the fire?

Oh. Thank you.

There's something I think you should know, Maxwell.

And what is that?

Your skis are on fire.

Well, in that case,

why don't I just take 'em off

and, uh, uh...

Let's see.

I'll just...

just put them there until I'm ready to leave.

You are amusing.

I've tried for years to get avalanche insurance.

There is no such thing.

What is it you really want?

That's very perceptive of you, my dear--

The truth of the matter is

that I'm not really an insurance man.

I'm a secret agent,

and I am here on a very important mission, Edith.

May I call you Edith?

I'd like that...

particularly since that's my name.

You'll find I answer a lot faster to it

than I would if you called me Marian.

I'm going to level with you, Marian.

May I call you Marian?

Edith.

I'm looking for your husband.

Do you know where I can find him?

I don't know.

I haven't seen him in years.

Were you married to him

when he had his accident?

We were married but...

Well, we weren't living together.

Things weren't working out.

Nino became almost schizoid at times.

Schizoid?

Yes.

Half scientist, half fashion designer.

He developed an insatiable desire

to know everything about my work in design.

And then came Norman.

Norman?

Tsk. Oh!

I took an out-of-work scientist and made him a partner.

And what did it get me?

Permathin and Norman.

Who's Permathin?

It's a fabric.

Is that like a plum paisley?

It could be produced as plum paisley.

It could be plaid. It could be plain.

In other words, it could be anything

that starts with a "P," right?

Right. If you invested in it, it could make you poor.

It was prohibitive to produce.

And who is Norman?

Norman Saint Sauvage.

And I never did meet him.

Norman, uh...

How do you spell that last name?

S-A-I-N-T.

That's Saint.

It's pronounced "San."

Of course!

Well, that's what Seigle was trying to tell us

when he hummed When The Sans Come Marching In.

Norman Saint Sauvage.

Open up, 86!

It's KAOS! Shh.

The avalanche.

Where are they? They're on a snowmobile.

There's two of them.

KAOS knows every move I'm making.

There must be a double agent on our team.

We've gotta get out of here.

Is there a backdoor?

Through the kitchen.

All right, you two stay here,

and I'll take care of them outside.

All right. Nobody move.

All right, gentlemen, that's it.

This ridiculous little game is over with.

I advise you to drop your guns

and put up your hands.

Why?

Because at this very minute, my friend,

this chalet is being completely surrounded

by 500 Alpine crack troops.

I find that hard to believe.

Would you believe 150 Tyrolean ski troopers?

No, we wouldn't.

How about two Saint Bernards in heat?

Ugh!

Ugh!

Whoa!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh! Ah! Ugh!

Ugh.

Ugh!

You all right?

Uh-huh.

Ugh!

This is Maxwell Smart.

I'm sorry I can't speak to you at the moment,

but if at the sound of the beep

you'll leave your name, number,

and the approximate time you called,

I shall return your call as soon as possible.

I can't believe this.

What is it?

Something's goofy.

This morning we ran a profile on Saint Sauvage

and found nothing.

And now, suddenly, we've got something.

I find that very difficult to believe.

Yesterday, nothing on Saint Sauvage.

Today, the computer has the whole story.

There's something very strange going on around here.

What happened, Doc?

Somebody screwed around with the computer.

Or there's been an unprecedented malfunction

which led to an egregious miscalculation of--

Forget it.

I'll check out the circuitry.

Norman Saint Sauvage. Boulder, Colorado.

Age 43. Height 6'2".

Profession-- fashion coordinator.

That certainly ties in

with the design and textile business.

Sauvage lived in New York in 1975 and '76.

Didn't Edith Von Secondberg

say that that's where Sebastiani and Sauvage met?

Yes.

Looks like Sauvage is our man.

I don't think we have any options, 86.

We'll have to fly to Boulder.

86, don't you think it's advisable

to take the whole PITS team?

If it turns out that Sauvage is the Nude Bomber,

you're gonna need their expertise and skills.

Good idea, Chief.

Hi, Max.

Did you give it the once over?

Twice. Somebody had good reason

for getting you on this plane.

Left you a little going-away present.

A going-away bomb.

It's set for 5,000 feet, and bon voyage.

Well, that clinches it.

Whoever doesn't show up for this flight

is the double agent.

Well, who do you think that is?

Girls don't understand baseball.

I'll tell you at checkpoint seven.

Okay.

Well, who do you suspect?

Agent 36.

How do you figure? It's really quite simple, 13.

She knew about Seigle, she knew about Dolly Winston,

and she knew about the Von Secondberg trip.

I'm sorry to say this,

but Agent 36 is the double agent.

Hi. I came early to set up my equipment.

On the other hand, it could be the Krovneys.

Those two innocent teenagers are vicious KAOS killers.

Hello, 36.

Pam, do you have the file diskette load F-C-R-T-F?

It could be Carruthers.

86, it's Carruthers.

Are you gonna be in there long?

I'll be right out, Carruthers.

How about Larabee?

He knew every move you were about to make, too.

Max, come on out.

Give Carruthers a break. It's an emergency.

Well, 13...

that takes care of about everybody on board.

With one exception.

Yes.

Agent 22.

I can't believe it.

I don't wanna believe it.

There's nothing else I can do.

She's the only one left, 13.

I like her.

Well, 13...

there's no room for sentimentality in this business.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, 13.

Oh, that's all right.

22 is not on board.

Well, I'll tell you why she's not on board.

It's something I've suspected for a long time.

What's the factual data, 86?

22 is...

Sorry I'm late! always sorry she's late.

Boy, am I glad to see you, twenty--

Oh, there you are. I'm glad to see you, 22.

Let's take off, Max.

No, Larabee.

This flight is canceled.

Coming!

Hello?

Hello, Max. Oh, it's you, 22.

Good. Anything yet?

Well, we're working on it.

Well, did you seal the airports and the Amtrak?

We worked around that, too. Good.

Well, any news yet? No.

I'm waiting word from the President.

Okay.

Well, you can call me here, 22.

From here on in, I'll be working out of the apartment.

Gotcha.

Not for long, Max.

I underestimated you, Max.

When did you first get suspicious?

It really wasn't that difficult to figure out.

You knew about Seigle,

you knew about Dolly,

and you knew about the Von Secondberg trip.

But the real clincher was when you sent me to fly

the unfriendly skies of KAOS.

It's been nice working with you, 86.

Where would you like it?

Uh, how about Cincinnati?

Very funny.

Good-bye, Max!

Watch out, Larabee, it's not the Chief!

May I see your license please?

Now, look, Officer-- Is this your desk?

Uh, yes, it is my desk. 60 miles an hour

is pretty fast for a desk, isn't it? It is?

Yup. Uh, look, Officer, I'm a government agent.

I'm after a defector.

Hey, Mac! Where did you get your license?

Yeah, you!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! Don't let go please!

I won't if you tell me where I can find

Sebastiani and Saint Sauvage.

I don't know!

And I don't know how much longer

I can hold onto you.

Oh, uh, the Pocono Mountains!

Mount Thimble!

But don't tell 'em I told you.

They'll destroy me.

Don't worry. I won't tell them.

Can I have your word on that?

You've got my word.

Ahh!

Sorry about that, Chief.

The President has requested more time from the U.N.

They are going to give it to him.

And that's dangerous for us.

Smart knows too much.

Why all this stupid waiting?

Let's drop the bombs!

That suits your purpose,

but not mine!

Get it out of your head once and for all.

We are not turning the world nude SO you can dress them

in your Norman Saint Sauvage look.

I'm in this for money, not applause!

You're jealous of me.

Jealous?

Of you?

And you're beginning to exhaust my patience.

I am beginning to exhaust your patience?

Who do you think you are?!

If it weren't for me,

you wouldn't be sitting behind that desk.

You wouldn't exist!

Oh, but I do exist.

And as for you, that's no longer true.

Ahh!

How long will it take you to have the bombs

prepared for launching?

All the bombs, sir?

Yes, all the bombs.

Countdown for total launch is 2 hours.

Good.

Start your countdown procedures immediately.

We've landed totally undetected

thanks to my genius in creating

the noiseless Shushcopter.

Look, there it is!

That's the second biggest zipper I ever saw!

It's unzipping!

Don't look, 22! Why?

No telling what's liable to come out of that thing.

It's a magenta alert.

We launch the bombs in 15 minutes.

15 minutes?!

Carruthers, radio our position to PITS Central.

Tell them to send in the Task Force

and to have them get here faster than possible.

All right, 22.

We've got to invade that zipper

before the mountain's fly closes.

Come on.

All right, all right. No need for any rough stuff.

It's The Chief. How can that be?

When the pulled him from the manure truck,

he had two broken legs.

He's in a Washington hospital

under heavy guard.

22, there's something very strange

going on around here.

Which way shall we go?

I don't know, but we can't afford to get lost.

This place is full of labyrinths,

and they all look exactly alike.

You're right. Of course I'm right.

Why, I once knew an agent

who went into the Pentagon Building in Washington

and was lost for three days.

Three days?!

I can't believe anybody could get that confused.

Well, let me see.

I went in on a Tuesday

and I came out on a Fri--

Max, I don't understand it.

If the Chief is working with Sauvage,

then why is he a prisoner?

I don't know, 22.

The whole thing is crazy,

but there must be some explanation.

Indeed there is!

Please come in.

Well, thank you very much,

but we were just leaving.

We'll take those guns.

You wanna stay for a little while?

I don't care. It's up to you.

Please come in, Mr. Smart.

Make yourself comfortable.

We're in trouble. What'll we do?

Stall.

Sit down please.

Thank you.

Well, this is certainly a very pleasant

and unexpected surprise.

I'm sure there is a good reason

why you have invaded my mountain.

Okay. Let's hear it.

You're indeed an incredible man.

Here you are completely in my power

and yet you manage to keep your sense of humor.

All right, Sauvage.

Let's cut out all the small talk.

I'm here to make you a deal.

Give up this mad scheme,

turn over the Nude Bombs to me,

disband KAOS,

make a public apology,

and I will see to it personally

that you are executed immediately

to avoid a long stay in a dirty, filthy jail cell.

Well, that's my deal. What do you say?

Well, what's your answer? I'm waiting.

You won't have to wait too long, Mr. Smart.

In five minutes, I will release the Nude Bomb

and rid the earth of all its unsightly, gauche fabric.

And then I, being the only source of clothing,

become master of a shivering, groveling,

naked mass of humanity,

thereby gaining absolute control

of every living man, woman, and child on this earth.

Well, that's a very pretty speech, Sauvage,

but it has one great flaw in it!

What's that?

Uh, what's that?

Yes, well, I'm not quite sure,

but if you would run through it one more time,

I think I could spot it.

You're a strange man, Mr. Smart.

I'm strange?!

Listen, fella.

Anyone that runs around with pantyhose over their head

and tries to make the whole world nude,

that's strange.

Let's face it, Sauvage.

You're not playing with a full deck.

Your bogus ingenuousness

is straining my equanimity.

Could you put that another way?

You're pissing me off.

Yes. Well, there's no need to get hostile about it, Norman.

Uh, may I call you Norman?

No, you may not.

No, I may not. Eh, Norm?

Mm-mm. Normy?

Uh, yes, well, perhaps you're right.

Familiarity does breed contempt.

Well, Mr. Saint Sauvage, sir,

let's look at a couple of facts.

Let's.

Supposing you do get four billion

shivering, groveling, bare-assed subjects...

a fashion plate like yourself

would wanna design clothes for them

so that it would reflect your own good taste.

Let's face it, my friend.

Good help, nowadays, is hard to find.

I've taken that into consideration.

Madame Rose?

There is my answer-- Madame Rose.

The world's greatest seamstress.

She's going to make clothes for four billion people?

Boy, is she in for a lot of overtime.

Madame Rose, pass through the Clonatorium.

Instant cloning?

Yes. When I need them,

there will be a room full of Roses.

That's fantastic.

One goes in, two comes out.

I gotta get one of those machines.

I wonder what they go for...

Declone yourself.

Thank you, Madame Rose.

Now it's time for you to witness

history in the making.

I'm going to set off the Nude Bomb

and introduce to the world Norman Saint Sauvage.

There is no Norman Saint Sauvage.

What?

This isn't Norman Saint Savage.

This is Nino Salvatori Sebastiani.

Release him. Stand back.

You're very clever, Mr. Smart.

And you are very careless.

You yourself gave me the answer.

Your vanity led you to demonstrate the cloning machine.

And then it came to me in a flash.

The Chief was captured, cloned,

and returned to PITS as a double KAOS agent.

After that, it was fairly simple.

If Nino could clone The Chief,

then he could clone himself.

And that's exactly what he did.

And after cloning himself and creating you,

Mr. Norman Saint Sauvage,

that's when the explosion in the laboratory took place,

leaving the original Sebastiani

with a squint, a gimp, and a limp.

Well, Mr. Norman Saint Sauvage,

I wouldn't be too smug,

because to use the terms of your own trade,

"you're nothing but a knock-off."

A cheap copy.

Where is the original Sebastiani?

Dead.

You killed him!

I merely discarded an imperfect mold

and preserved the product--

its first and finest masterpiece.

Well, Mr. Smart,

evidently, I underestimated you.

You're not a complete fool after all.

Almost. Very close.

But not complete.

Unfortunately, your luck has run out.

It's a pity that one so young and pretty

must die.

Well, thank you, Sauvage,

but I'm not afraid to die.

Max, I think he means me. Oh.

The girl has a choice.

She may die with you

or stay with me and join KAOS.

Well, what do you think, 22?

Max, there can only be one answer

to a question like that.

There can only be one answer

to a question like that, Sauvage.

What is that answer, 22? Max, I'm staying with you.

That's the answer to a question like that.

Too bad.

If you'll excuse me for one minute,

I'm now going to fire my missiles.

Initiate all prelaunch programs.

Prepare phase one.

All crew ready areas.

Let's hustle it up, ma'am.

Code blue. Code blue. Activates...

Prepare for launch!

Go through your underground checklists.

You stay here.

They're on their way, Mr. Smart.

In four minutes, these missiles will

reach their destination and strike the world nude.

Now, Mr. Smart,

I have one last delightful launch to perform.

Yours.

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ah!

Sorry about that...

Normy.

Max!

22, are you all right?

My legs are numb.

Well, don't worry, 22.

I'll have you out of here in no time.

Put your arms around my neck.

Atta girl.

Jesus.

Oh...

Oh!

What are you doing, Max?

The Fireman's Carry.

Oh.

22, where are you?

I'm over here.

Oh.

Max, I'm starting to get some feeling down there!

We've got no time for that, 22.

No. I mean my legs!

If I let you up, will you walk?

If you let me up, I will dance.

Chief! Are you all right, Chief?

I'm fine. What about you two?

We're okay. How did you get loose?

Well, my guards deserted the mountain.

Where's Sauvage?

He got hung up.

Max, this mountain is gonna blow up any second!

Let's go!

Mission's over, Max.

Listen, there may be some fallout from that Nude Bomb.

We better get out of here.

Don't be ridiculous, Chief.

There is no fallout from a Nude Bomb.

Fallout from a Nude...

J You're always there when I need you J

J I can count on you all right »

J If the world would end, I'd just call you J

J And you'd fix it overnight J»

J If I wanted the sun, I bet you J

J Would deliver it to me &

J You're always there when I need you J

J And I need you constantly J

J These are dangerous days we're living in J

J And many times I feel like giving in &

J But I never, never do J

J Instead, I turn to you J

J You're too smart to be true J

J You're always there when I need you J

J Heaven must have sent you here J

J It's a miracle J

J Somehow you make disasters disappear J

JI You make every little feeling

J There is nothing that you won't try J»

J You're always there when I need you J

J And I'll need you till I die &

J Oh, I'm gonna need you, baby

J You're always there when I need you J

J I can count on you all right »

J If the world would end, I'd just call you J

J And you'd fix it overnight &

J If you wanted the sun, I bet you J

J Would deliver it to me &

J You're always there when I need you J

J And I need you constantly J

J, Don't you know I need you, baby J

J Yes, IdoJ

J I'm gonna need you, baby J

J Gonna need you, baby J