Original subtitles

(low rhythmic humming)

♪ My aching heart ♪

♪ Breaks my slumber ♪

♪ Each waking night ♪

♪ Each waking night ♪

♪ Far a river flows ♪

♪ From sea to sea ♪

♪ And washes o'er my liberty ♪

♪ A lark ♪

♪ A lark, she sings ♪

♪ She sings ♪

♪ Sings a song ♪

♪ A song so sweet ♪

♪ To break the stone ♪

(piano notes)

(low synth echoing)

(camera beeping)

- [Jeremy] So we're just about all packed up here.

I've got my clothes, my books, some goodies,

and Stacy's in the bathroom packing whatever it is

you might take 20 minutes to pack in the bathroom.

Stacy, say hello to the folks at the internet?

I don't know, wherever this ends up leaking.

- Jeremy, put the fucking camera away.

Nobody wants to watch two hours

of your shaky-ass home movies.

- [Jeremy] Come on, this is momentous!

We should document this.

- This is exactly what we should not be documenting.

I'm nervous enough as it is.

Don't exacerbate!

- [Jeremy] Actually, I think exacerbating

is on the agenda for night two.

Aw, yeah.

(Stacy scoffs)

So you never did tell me what--

- Jeremy, please.

- All right, all right, I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry too.

Just, I'm a little on edge.

- I thought you were down for this.

You said it'd be good for us, right?

- I did.

It will.

I, I think the reality of everything

is just kind of setting in and...

I don't even know how to pack for something like this.

- I don't know,

I think you've done pretty well for yourself.

- Yeah?

- Definitely, there's a few things in there

I can't wait to see you in.

- Who said they were for me?

- Now you're talking.

Thanks to the good sense of my beautiful wife,

you fucks have all been spared a shitty found footage movie.

Hey, idiot!

Maybe if you put the fucking camera down

and stop running backwards,

you wouldn't die in the next 10 seconds.

(screams)

Unfortunately, found footage or not,

you're still getting a smarmy self-aware narrator,

so buckle up.

Personally, I find narration to be a little bit of a crutch,

so I'm gonna try to stay out of your hair.

The story you're about to hear is gonna sound,

and honestly, probably look,

like a no-budget horror movie you get out of one of those

Echo Bridge 30-packs you can buy for a nickel.

But I swear to you it's true.

I mean, there are some embellishments, sure,

but just as true as any of those other

"based on a true story" flicks.

Probably more true than "The Conjuring."

I don't care if your script

is based on two real snake oil peddlers

with delusions of grandeur.

Don't stop filming.

Well then, we all packed?

- Uh, yeah, I think.

Oh, do you have the tape?

- Three rolls.

- Okay.

(sighs) I think that's it then.

- I think so.

Wait.

- Seriously?

You're gonna bring that?

- Yes, seriously.

How else am I supposed to get in the mood?

(Stacy scoffs)

Hot wife aside, this, right here,

my very favorite book.

"The Romance Writers' Phrase Book"

by Jean Kent and Candace Shelton.

Two people who I can only assume

have never even been naked in the same room

as another person.

This schlock is gonna be my secret weapon.

But, we've gotta get going,

we've got a long drive ahead of us.

(hand smacking butt)

- Okay.

(upbeat funky music)

- Andrea just texted me.

She and Matt are already at the cabin.

- What about Kevin and Chastity?

- Uh, they're about an hour out,

so, they're gonna beat us by a bit too.

- I'm sorry I made us late.

- No, not at all.

I'd rather be the last one there

than sitting around waiting for everybody.

You know how I feel about small talk.

- Gee-whiz, the weather sure looks fine today, doesn't it?!

I wonder if it'll hold out all weekend.

- Shut the fuck up (laughs).

(Stacy giggles)

- You ready, pig?

- Yeah, I think so.

- You think so?

(straps tightening)

You better be ready

and you better call me by my proper name.

- Yes, Goddess of Death.

Okay, Goddess of Death.

Is it really big?

It looked really big.

Is it gonna be too big?

- Aw, is my little pig scared?

It's no bigger than your cock, sweetie.

- [Matt] Okay, okay,

but does it hurt, you know, like in the butt zone?

- [Andrea] Not with the KY.

(jelly squelching)

Now, prepare yourself!

- Great, just use a little more lube

than you think is necessary, okay?

Could you give me my knife, please?

- [Andrea] Here you go, pig.

- Thank you.

And could you dial it back a little on the pig, please?

- I'll call you pig how ever many times

I wanna call you pig, pig.

- Yes, mistress.

(creepy music)

(blood squelching)

Your pig is ready for your throbbing,

inexplicably black cock.

- I love you, pig.

- Love you too, Goddess.

(death metal music) God, damn!

- Does it hurt?

- Not really hurt, but,

oh my god, don't just leave it there.

Keep thrusting so we can get this over with!

(speaks foreign language)

- Now, obviously I wasn't here for this part,

but based on what I found out later,

I'm pretty sure this is more or less

an accurate representation.

Wait till you meet Matt.

He is a weird fucking dude.

Andrea though, I was excited to meet Andrea.

Oh, shit!

Can we get a close up of that?

I'm pretty sure that's the important bit right there.

(hand smacking butt)

(death metal music) (speaking in foreign language)

(ominous music)

(blood dripping)

(creepy synth music)

(grunting)

(ominous synth music)

- [Stacy] Wow, this really is a long drive, isn't it?

- Yeah, at least these

beautiful landscapes fill time though.

You'd be surprised how hard it is to hit 90 minutes.

- What?

- Don't worry about it, sweetie.

Insert creepy kids laughing dot MP3.

(creepy music)

I'm gonna run inside,

I gotta run the trouser snake through Tinkle Town.

How much should I put on pump?

- [Stacy] Uh, should hold about 20.

- Okay.

You need anything while I'm in there?

- No.

Oh!

Um, if they have any Swedish Fish?

Do not do the voice.

- I do a really good Swedish Chef impression.

(imitating Swedish Chef singing "Old Time Rock and Roll")

- Shut the fuck up!

(imitating Swedish Chef singing "Gangster's Paradise")

- [Jeremy] Urr da borkers gonna bork, bork, bork, bork.

Urr da flippers gonna flip, flip, flip, flip.

Chicky schurny gonna skip, skip, skip, skip.

Skip a borp, skip a borp--

- I want a divorce.

- What?

Okay, maybe it's not the best impression.

- Excuse me, sir, are you from around here?

- Born and bred.

- [Jeremy] Inbred.

- Well, we're trying to get to the cabins at Elk Ridge,

and my friend gave me some directions

that don't seem to make,

oh, uh, no thank you.

Um, but, uh, the directions my friend gave me

don't seem to make much sense,

and I tried looking it up on my phone but I can't seem--

- Oh, you ain't gonna get your internets out here, missy.

- Oh, well, no, apparently not.

It's kind of out there for us.

- Yeah, Locust Valley is a little off the beaten path.

But, our folks up here they,

they really value their privacy.

- Oh, we don't wanna disturb anybody,

we're just looking for a, a quiet weekend away.

- You and uh,

the horny Kewpie doll that just walked in there, your fella?

- (laughs) Yeah, that one.

- All right. - Well, and a couple

friends of ours.

Uh, we are just having a fun little get together,

and maybe get some fresh air,

go for a hike, or probably something.

- Uh-huh.

Well, if you're looking for privacy

you've come to the right place.

You know, the nearest town to Elk Ridge

is probably a good 60 miles out.

And heaven help you little lady if you need a hospital.

- Right, uh, well,

this is the route that um, my friend gave me,

and uh, and I know I was supposed to take a turn

somewhere back there but, um, I can't seem to find

Twisted Pine Road.

- Twisted Pine?!

Oh, you do not wanna go that way.

No one in their right mind goes that way anymore.

(ominous music)

Well, nah, 'cause it washed out a couple of months ago

in the big flood we had up there.

No, what you wanna do is you wanna take a detour route, see.

See, you wanna follow this road couple more miles north,

'bout the way you were going,

when you get to Craven Creek, you wanna take a left.

- 'Kay.

- Follow that down maybe 10 miles or so.

You wanna look out for Raimi Road,

take a right on Raimi

then you wanna follow that all the way to the end.

That'll get you to Elk Ridge

a couple miles north of where Twisted Pines woulda put ya.

But you should be able to find your cabin from there.

- Oh my gosh, thank you so much.

- Oh, well, you're quite welcome, ma'am.

You have a blessed day.

- Thank you.

- See Pa Kettle back there?

No, wait, I can do better.

(voice rewinding)

- Did you see Jed Clampett back there?

One more time.

Let me see if I can come up with something

a little more topical.

For the kids.

(voice rewinding)

- You see Merle Dixon back there?

- Who?

- (sighs) Never mind.

Got your Fish.

(creepy clanging)

(woman moaning)

- Mm, you know, that old man you were so rude about earlier

actually gave me proper directions.

- What, Andrea's weren't any good?

- Well, no, Andrea's directions had us going

about two hours down a road

that has been closed for a while.

- Must have been those cones we passed.

- Mm, I guess.

In any case, he gave us a smart little detour

and should have us there in about half an hour.

- Sweet!

Well let's hurry up and get there so I can get randy.

- You did not invite cross-eyed Randy from Jiffy Lube.

(sighs)

(bugs chirping) (bugs humming)

(flies buzzing)

Oh my god, honey, it's Bambi.

Go see if it's okay.

- Seriously?

- Well, yeah, I mean, we can't just leave it,

what if it's dying and in pain or something?

I don't know, please.

- [Jeremy] Ugh, all right, hold on.

- Thanks, honey.

(flies buzzing)

(ominous music)

(gas escaping)

- Oh my god, is it still alive?

- No, it's a death rattle or something, ugh.

I think it fell off the back

of a hunter's truck or something.

Its throat was slit, ugh.

- Oh my god.

- Whatever, just go around it.

- Ugh, Jesus.

(flies buzzing)

(ominous music)

(snarled growling)

Babe, this is gonna be so awkward.

- Most likely won't be too bad.

I don't think.

- Well that's encouraging.

(ominous music)

- Look.

Matt and Kevin, they, they been doing this

swapping shit for a while.

It's like old hat to 'em.

You're sexy.

I'm very sexy.

We're gonna be more popular than cucumbers

at a Catholic girl's school.

- You're disgusting.

- Please trust me.

- Okay.

But don't push your luck.

(all chatting)

- Maybe we should have gotten here a little earlier.

- Jeremy!

Jeremy, how you doing, man?

How was your drive?

- I guess you're gonna need some background on these guys.

Matthew, (upbeat music)

used to be my coworker before he got fired.

Now he thinks we're friends.

This whole thing was his idea

after I mentioned that Stacy and I had

hit a bit of a rough patch.

Uh, he swears up and down that one of these get togethers

saved things between him and his wife, Andrea.

This beautiful vixen here, about to knock back

what I'm sure is not her first glass of wine,

you may remember her from the pegging earlier.

As for Woody and Buzzed here,

I don't really know too much about them.

Kevin maybe went to school with Matthew?

You know what?

I really don't care.

And the woman practically riding his dick, Chastity,

probably not his wife 'cause I don't see any rings

on their fingers, but they've been together forever.

Stacy and I went out to dinner with them one time

to make sure they weren't disgusting

but, honestly, the only thing we really know

about them is they're,

well, they're relatively doable.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

- Oh, Matthew!

Oh, okay, we're hugging.

- Jeremy!

- Matthew.

- So sorry about the directions, guys,

I had no idea that the road would be out.

- Oh, no, it was fine.

Um, it ended up being okay,

we found this nice old man who gave us some directions.

Which is lucky because apparently our GPS

didn't know half these little roads.

- Yeah, it's definitely the wilderness out here.

Can I get you guys anything to drink?

- That would be awesome, thank you.

- [Andrea] Great.

- I would like some wine, please.

Big ol' glass of wine.

(bugs chirping)

(ominous music) (heavy breathing)

(grunting)

- Okay, folks, pool up some cash.

Pizza guy is gonna be here in a few minutes.

- Get the fuck out of here.

We're a hundred miles from a god damn hospital

and you can get a pizza out here?

- Go fucking figure, right?

Some mom and pop shit shop.

They probably make enough money during the summer

on tourists to justify their pitiful existence.

- Be nice, the people around here aren't that bad.

- What people?

- Oh, okay.

- So, tell me about the drive, stud.

- Well-- - Actually, I did all

the driving, thank you.

Jeremy here is afraid of country roads.

- Well, yeah.

It was fine, uneventful.

- Well, except that bit about the wrong directions.

- She already apologized,

you don't have to keep bringing it up.

- Oh, no, I'm sorry, you just said that it was uneventful

and I think that that counts as an event.

I mean, that negates the un,

doesn't it? - You know what I was saying.

- Oh, do I? - You don't have to be

pedantic while we're here with everyone--

- Uh, you know, I don't like these country roads either,

especially not with our car.

The roads are too narrow.

I freak out whenever we pass somebody.

- Um, well, I mean,

we kinda have to acknowledge the,

you know, we have to acknowledge the logistics of the, the--

- Orgy.

It's an orgy, man.

You gotta own it.

The logistics usually work themselves out.

See first, you typically start kissing.

And then you start fondling.

Then you're naked and horizontal.

It's like regular sex,

but with bonus holes.

- Thank you, Kevin.

But I know,

I mean, if we're going to have an orgy,

we should probably iron out the little details.

- Way to make it sound sexy, babe.

- Oh, oh, no, no.

I, I was just trying--

- We know what you were trying to do, cutie,

but you're horrible at it.

Let me do it.

Stacy.

Jeremy.

You both seem a little tense.

This is your first time?

- Yes.

I mean, this time last year

we would never have even considered

doing something like this,

but Dr. Stiefel says that we need

to try new experiences together.

- Well, I can promise you this is gonna be a great time.

Tell me, what can I do to put you at ease?

- A blow job would go a long way.

- Isn't that a little premature?

- Oh, well,

that's par for the course with this one.

- [Kevin] Hey-oh!

- Thank you.

Um, my concern, actually, is more to do with cameras.

Uh, Jeremy wanted to bring the camcorder.

But, I just don't feel very comfortable

with any recordings right now.

I mean, even if it's just for us.

- Well, of course.

I mean, we didn't bring anything.

- Well, I mean,

your phones.

- That's true.

Hold on a second.

(Stacy laughs)

Found this in the bedroom earlier.

You know, and since the phones don't work out here anyway,

we can just lock 'em up.

- That's a great idea, honey.

Does that make you feel better, Stacy?

- And, for extra security we can stow 'em

in the unnecessarily spooky crawlment.

- [Stacy] Yeah, oh, yeah.

(light bulb humming)

(Matt's footsteps)

- Looks like a raccoon or something

was digging around down there.

- Ew, you didn't see the furry little fuck, did you?

- Nah, it was just some critter's hole. I mean,

whatever was down there is gone now.

Just, you know, be aware in case

anybody goes down there for something.

- So, now that the phones have been taken care of,

let's do something fun.

Um, everybody brought toys, right?

All right.

Let's go round and show everybody what we got.

- You break out the toys, babe.

I'll be back in a minute.

- Hey, hey!

You're gonna wanna leave some toilet paper in there.

(funky rock music)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Mm, yeah ♪

♪ I want to, to feel ya ♪

♪ I need to feel you, feel you ♪

♪ My heart it, ain't easy ♪

♪ My life ain't complete, yeah ♪

♪ Your lips, I can't resist ♪

♪ Tender bits of you ♪

♪ Your hips, I can't resist ♪

♪ Tender bits of you ♪

♪ My love is a mystery ♪

♪ It's surely for history ♪

♪ I'll hold you ♪

♪ I'll kiss you too ♪

♪ I'll promise to love you true ♪

- So did I miss anything exciting?

- No, uh, looks like the excitement just got here.

- So were we actually going to get started?

- Um, we should really wait for the pizza first.

- How boring, can't we make out or something?

- Didn't you get enough of that earlier?

- That's just Kevin.

I wanna try something new

or watch someone else try something new.

- New, I like new.

- Kevin, who should make out first?

- I would like to-- - (laughs) No.

Who wants to make out?

- I'll go.

Andrea, you uh, wanna get in on this with me?

- Well, how does Stacy feel about that?

- Um,

it's a little soon.

It's nothing personal.

- Well, Jesus,

why don't you kiss her? - Seconded!

- Yes!

- Um, I,

I've never, I've never kissed a girl.

- Oh, it's better.

- Yeah, it's better.

- I mean, I don't, I don't know that I'm ready yet for that.

- It's no big deal, babe.

- It can be just as hot to watch.

Would it make you feel better to see somebody else do it?

- Yeah, Cake Pop, you can kiss Chastity.

- I was thinking more like you and um, Jeremy.

- Uh, Andrea.

- You're gonna do it and you're gonna like it.

- Yes, ma'am.

- I don't think this is the best place to start.

- Oh, but,

it's not a big deal, babe.

- All right.

It's not a big deal.

Men kiss men every day.

- My dad used to kiss his barber.

- It's actually not that different.

- (sighs) Fine,

but, afterwards I wanna see you kissing Andrea,

and then I get to kiss a damn girl.

- [Andrea] What?!

- [Chastity] That was weak.

- Well, I was kinda hoping for a little better.

- Look, it's gotta be a real kiss if you want me to go next.

Real kiss.

- Okay, okay.

Okay!

(bones cracking)

Dude!

You taste like Funyuns.

- I just ate Funyuns.

(Stacy laughs)

- We are all brushing our teeth

before this orgy gets started.

All right, ladies.

I believe you owe us a show.

- [Andrea] You good?

- (exhales) As good as I'm gonna get, I guess.

Let's do this, okay.

(sexy saxophone music)

(knocking on door)

- God dammit!

- [Andrea] Pizza's here! (laughs)

- Somebody better go pay for that.

- (sighs) Yeah.

(Andrea laughs)

- Uh, bad time?

- A little.

- [Pizza Boy] I'm sorry, sir.

- No, no, it's fine.

You have trouble finding the place?

- Why does everybody ask me that?

- What's the damage?

- The damage?

No, sir, I didn't, I didn't damage anything.

I have your pizzas.

- How much does the pizza cost?

- [Pizza Boy] $22.68, sir.

- Keep the change.

- Thank you, sir.

Sir,

can I ask you a rather forward question?

- Absolutely not.

But I kinda get the impression

you're going to anyway, aren't you?

- Are you guys

having an orgy?

- What? What?

No, we, no!

- Dude, I can literally see all of the sex toys back there,

plus that uh, one lady sluttin' it up.

- Don't you shame her, she can wear whatever she wants.

- Yeah, dude, I'm all for that.

Listen, you gotta let me in on this.

It is too perfect.

- What's too perfect?

- The sexy older couples having an orgy,

the hot young stud who comes by to deliver the pizza pies.

This shit writes itself.

- Nobody's writing anything.

Young stud?

Get the fuck outta here.

- Come on, man, please.

- No.

- Please. - No!

- Look, I don't even have to stay for the whole thing,

just let me fuck the shy one and blow you,

and I'll be on my way.

I'm mostly straight but I have like a daddy thing

and you just--

- Get the fuck out, shoo!

Get the fuck outta here.

You know, with a few more beers in me,

I might have let him blow me.

Don't judge me.

Like I'm gonna turn down a free blow job

just because a dude's a sketchy weirdo.

(ominous music)

- Did you like need more napkins or--

(blood spurting)

♪ Yeah, I don't think I can make it any clearer ♪

♪ That you and me should get nearer ♪

♪ Get closer, why don't ya ♪

♪ Don't make me use a magic potion ♪

♪ But it ain't that, that easy ♪

♪ And I ain't that, that cheesy ♪

♪ I was willing to wait for a while ♪

♪ But you're killing my grace and style ♪

♪ Oh, girl, I know you're better than worth it ♪

♪ So let me hold you in my arms ♪

♪ Oh, girl, I know you're practically perfect ♪

♪ I would never ever do you no harm ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I know that you love me ♪

♪ Why don't you just be mine ♪

♪ Oh, baby, you said that you love me ♪

♪ So why don't you be mine ♪

- So, Jeremy, what's this book that you brought?

- Oh, that?

Secret weapon time.

It's just this book Stacy and I found

in a crazy old used bookstore.

- "The Romance Writers' Prase Book."

the essential source book for every romantic novelist.

Contains over 3000 descriptive tags,

arranged for quick, easy reference.

Guaranteed to stimulate the imagination.

- What is it?

- It's exactly what it sounds like.

It's a phrase book for talentless hacks to use

while they're churning out

their Harlequin romance trash for grocery store aisles.

Here, let me see it.

(metal clanging)

His mouth throbbed with a passionate message.

Oh, yeah.

A hot ache grew in her throat.

He fondled one small globe, its pink nipple throbbing.

- [Andrea] It does not say that.

- Oh, but it does.

- The sweetly intoxicating musk

of his body overwhelmed her.

A rush of pink stained her cheeks.

(Andrea giggles)

(ominous music)

- The huskiness lingered in his tone.

(ominous music)

- His closeness was so male, so bracing,

sending shivers of delight through her.

She asks playfully, glancing at him.

(ominous music)

- She locked herself into his embrace.

Burying her hands in his thick hair,

the magnificent man in her arms, at last.

- A muscle quivered at his jaw.

Nervously, she moistened her dry lips.

There was a suspicious line at the corners of his mouth.

- It's got descriptors too.

Here, let me see.

Dark, snappy eyes looked out from his sun-toughened face.

Hatred blazed in those eyes.

(snarling)

- Ugh, I'm bored!

Why isn't anyone inside of me yet?

- Is she starting this orgy without us?

- Yeah.

- Well,

you guys do what you gotta do.

I'm gonna join her.

- [Chastity] It's about time there's some orgy in this orgy.

- So, I guess this orgy just got kick started.

I, I thought we were gonna ease into this?

- Well, we were.

- Hey, hey, sweetie, are you okay?

If you're getting cold feet we can just go to bed.

- No.

I don't know.

I just don't wanna be a stick in the mud.

- That's actually my favorite position.

- Shut up, we're having a moment.

- Okay.

- It's actually my favorite position too, though.

Recommend.

- No, we'll just, we'll hang out here.

It's a safe place and nobody knows but us.

And honestly, we could not possibly be more isolated.

(slow knocking on door)

- Jesus, what the fuck?

Did one of you assholes invite somebody else?

- No.

- Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Is it cross-eyed Randy from Jiffy Lube?

Oh my god, no. - Obviously not.

I don't know who it is.

Hold on a second.

(suction popping)

God damn teenagers, why are they even out here?

- Do you think it was the pizza boy?

(ominous music)

- No, I think it was the pizza boy.

- Oh my god. - Oh my god.

- Oh my god.

- What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do, Jay?

- Don't, don't panic, we've got the landline.

We'll, we'll lock the doors, we'll call the cops.

- No, no, no, no, staying here is a bad idea.

I mean, who left you in charge anyway?

- Well I just figured it was obvious,

I mean I am the alpha male in this situation.

- That's absurd.

I mean, I'm bigger and I'm stronger.

- I'm smarter, I'm ripped, and I'm better looking.

- [Matt] Um, that's subjective.

- He is right.

- Why?

- Look, will you both shut up

and act like adults for 30 fucking seconds already?

- Well I just wanna hear what his grand alpha man plan is

if mine's so absurd.

- My plan is that we get the hell outta here

and let whoever lost their penis

have to worry about calling the cops!

(blood spurting)

- [Stacy] Oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

(suspenseful thrilling music) (Matt grunts)

- [Matt] Argh!

(Matt screams)

(Matt gurgles)

(suspenseful music)

(door creaking)

(heavy breathing)

(ghoul's footsteps thudding)

(metallic chiming) (metallic springing)

(ominous music)

(ghoul grunts) (fast paced synth music)

(Andrea yelping)

- [Stacy] Shit, that fucker slashed our tires.

- These too, fuck!

- Did you see it?

It wasn't human!

It wasn't human, it wasn't human!

- Of course it was human.

It had to be human.

Didn't it?

(Andrea hyperventilating)

- Andrea, Andrea!

Does this have something to do with that shit in your room?

What was all that?

What did you do?

- It's a ritual, a ceremony to raise the dead.

- Why the fuck would you do that?!

- Well, neither of us believe in it,

it gets us off, all that,

all that goth shit.

We do it all the time when we fuck.

(stammering) It's a joke, it's a joke!

- Apparently, it's not.

Jay, what are we gonna do here?

- Best I can figure,

if we take off on foot,

get as far as we can until we catch a signal some...

Fuck.

- [Stacy] What?

What?!

- The cell phones.

- Jesus.

- We gotta go back in and get 'em.

- Of course we can't go in there, he's in there!

He'll tear us to shreds!

- I know, I know. - Wait, so what do we do?!

- Will you shut the fuck up and give me a minute to think?

I've got an idea.

(sinister music)

Okay.

Here goes nothing.

(car alarm beeping)

(heavy breathing)

- See?

Amish fucks hate technology.

- Good one, babe.

(hands slamming)

- Let's go.

(funky rock music)

♪ I can't help it when your eyes shine blue ♪

♪ Sometimes I swear they're sapphires ♪

♪ You fill my heart with feelings ♪

♪ Feelings of burning desires ♪

♪ I want you to know that I love you so ♪

♪ Till my death takes its toll ♪

♪ At least you know that I love ya ♪

♪ That I love ya ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You never ever had a clue ♪

♪ I don't think you even knew ♪

♪ My soul is, it's melting ♪

♪ Please listen to me, listen to me, listen to me ♪

♪ Won't you be mine ♪

♪ Let our lives intertwine ♪

(sinister music) (snarling)

(ghoul sniffing)

(rock thudding)

(sickle clinking) (Andrea gasping)

Okay, so I know that seems really cold.

But in that exact moment

I realized that I truly loved my wife,

and I would do anything to protect her.

Even at the expense of others.

- I can't believe you killed Andrea for me.

- Can we not say killed?

What was I supposed to do?

I love you.

- I love you too.

Now let's get the fuck out of here.

(foreboding music)

(dull clanging)

- Those cabin dwellers sure picked a good one, didn't they?

- Do you think we're the only ones left?

- I don't know.

I, I saw Chastity, but, I didn't see Kevin,

maybe he made it out.

(bubbling)

(Jeremy talking outside) - The fuck is that?

(Jeremy and Matt arguing) What the fuck is that?

What do you want?

Wait, Kevin? (cries)

Is this Kevin?

What do you want?

(cries)

(chewing)

(frightening music)

Why are you doing this to me (cries).

(Andrea talking outside)

(chewing)

Wait, what did we,

what did we do? (Matt talking outside)

(sickle clinking)

- I've got no signal.

- I got nothing either on either of these.

- Jeremy!

- Get the phones!

(sizzling)

Did you see that?

- What?

- The light, from the cell phone, it, it burned him.

I think we can hurt him.

- That's fantastic!

And I think I have an idea.

- [Jeremy] I knew I married you for a reason,

what do you got?

- Okay, so, I think we have enough cell phones

that we could form a star.

- Lost me,

immediately.

- No, listen, okay,

so, if we could find a signal somewhere

and form the cell phones into a sort of pentagram shape

or something, right?

Then maybe we could send a group text

and it would, I don't know,

trap him, kill him?

- Why would you think that would work?

- Do you have a better idea?

- No, I haven't got past "don't fucking die."

- Well then.

- Improbable cell phone voodoo it is.

(determined upbeat music)

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here, I got it.

- Me too.

- Finally, let's do this thing.

(ominous music)

Okay, so I'm gonna have to stay close

if I'm gonna send the text.

- I know, I'll lure him out.

- Okay, be safe, sweetie.

- Safer than sex.

- Oh, about a 5% chance of unwelcome complications?

- Oh, at least.

(sinister music)

Okay, come on out.

You Amish douchebag mangy Mennonite motherfucker!

That didn't take as long as I thought.

(ghoul grunting)

Any fucking time now.

- Well it's hard to send a group text with this many people!

- Well you're using the iPhone,

why don't you take one of the Androids?

- Because I'm a fucking hipster, Jeremy.

(suspenseful music)

(Jeremy coughs)

(Jeremy grunts)

(Jeremy grunts)

- See?

My secret weapon.

- I got it!

(ghoul grunts)

(snarling)

(low rhythmic humming)

(snarling)

(blood gushing)

Oh my god.

Oh!

Oh my god, that's disgusting!

- How the fuck are you still immaculate?

- We gotta get that off you.

- Oh. - Ohh.

Oh! - Oh, god.

Ugh!

Ugh!

- We should probably get those pants too.

Just, you know, for the sake of.

Hey, hey.

We did it, okay?

- Not yet we didn't.

(Stacy laughs)

(sexy saxophone music)

Wait, what about a condom?

- What's the worst that could happen?

- Good point.

And that is the true story of how I saved our marriage,

and the reason you're sitting here today.

- You are so full of bullshit, Dad.

- (laughs) What do you mean?

- What do I mean?

Where do I even start?

You expect me to believe any of that?

- Well, I may have embellished here and there a little bit,

but, it's all true.

It's mostly true.

A lot of it's true.

- Uh-huh.

- What?

What's so hard to believe here?

- Okay, let's forget the whole entire revenge zombie thing,

I'll even give you that part.

Was he Amish or was he Mennonite?

- Wait, there's a difference?

- That is really insensitive, Dad.

- It was 2019, nobody knew!

- (sighs) You are so embarrassing.

This is why you haven't met my girlfriend yet.

- I haven't met your girlfriend

because you're way too young to have a girlfriend.

And don't have a girlfriend.

But see, I don't have a problem with you having a girlfriend

in about five years.

- So now you want points for not being homophobic too?

- What? No.

Forget it, just, just forget it.

Was that it?

You're upset I don't know what denomination

of backwards asshat the murderer was?

- Of course that's not it.

You want a list?

- There's a list?

- In order, in 200 years no one ever found

and disposed of the body hidden

in the basement of that cabin?

The goth blood just happened to drip exactly

where the Bible was buried?

Why did the ghoul murder that deer?

Why did he leave it in the road?

Did he know you were coming?

Why is Mom such a bitch?

And why didn't nobody ever get naked at an orgy?

- Whoa, wait, I never said it was an orgy.

- Ugh, you didn't have to, Dad.

(sighs) Why did an entire cabin full of adults

think locking your cell phones in the basement

was a good idea?

Why was there even a lockbox in the cabin?

Why is Mom such a bitch?

And how did the whole entire pizza boy thing even work?

- No, that bit was verbatim, he was a legit weirdo.

- I'm talking about his murder, Dad.

What happened to his car?

Did the Amish guy move it?

How did he know what it was?

How did he know how to drive?

And after he ripped it off, he what?

Went and found some lighter fluid and some matches,

set the whole thing on fire,

knocked on the front door and ran away to hide?

Why was that his plan?

- Um, I think he wanted us all near the front door

so he could--

- Sneak in and kill the black guy first?

- Hey, he's from the 1800's.

Would make sense if you're gonna murder a group of people

he'd do it racistly.

Think you're being awfully nitpicky here.

- That's not even all of it.

Back to the car thing.

How did a guy from the 19th century

know that you needed those strange metal boxes?

How did he know to slash your tires?

How did he know that they were full of air

and not just solid?

And then why did you all just mosey right back

into the basement?

Why didn't you immediately run for the road?

Why did you need the cell phones so badly?

- Well, Jessica, hindsight is 20/20.

- Yeah, well, apparently dumbass is blind as fuck.

Why did you all have to go to the basement?

- You should know how horror movies work.

You never split up, ever.

That's how people die.

- Well it seems to me that you wouldn't have had to kill

Andrea if she didn't come to the basement with you.

- Why does everyone frame it that way?

I saved your mother.

Let's just focus on that.

You wouldn't even be here if I hadn't have thrown

that stupid little rock.

Probably.

- And so what happened to the rest of Kevin's corpse?

Are you trying to tell me that Chastity ate his entire body?

- Well, no.

- And how do you even know that any of that part happened?

You were too busy arguing with the bald one

about whose dick was bigger.

- I think I'm allowed a little dramatic license here.

- How did--

- Oh, god, there's more.

- How did Mom come up with her master plan?

That is beyond far-fetched.

- That's what I told her.

- And still you went along with it.

(sighs)

And why did the ghoul explode?

- Does it look like I know how ghouls work?

- I'm not convinced you know how anything works.

- Okay, why don't you go bother your mother

for a little bit, huh?

- No way, I hate that bitch even more than I hate you.

- I know you do.

- It's just a lot to take in without any evidence.

You couldn't even be bothered to take the magic Bible

to a priestess or a demonologist or something

to have it examined?

- I don't have the Bible.

- What?

- I don't have the Bible.

It was covered in ghoul guts,

why would I keep the Bible?

- You left a possibly cursed Bible

just lying out in the woods?!

- So?

We killed the ghoul.

The curse is broken.

- I don't think you know how curses work, Dad.

- And since when are you the leading authority

on folk magic?

Maybe she does know how horror movies really work.

No, no, that Bible is much safer off

in the middle of Elk's Ass, Virginia than it would be here.

What, you think some hipster asshole's gonna go out

for a spring stroll, stumble across the sickle,

cut himself, and drip blood on the Bible?

No, no way in hell.

(sickle clinking) (snarling)

(ominous music)

- The heck?

Ow!

(blood dripping)

(sinister synth music)

- Her knees were weakened

by the quivering of her legs.

His touch upset her balance.

A rush of pink stained her cheeks.

A shudder passed through her.

She couldn't suppress an exclamation of admiration.

Their eyes locked and their breathing came in unison.

She was filled with a strange inner excitement.

Her breasts tingled against the silky fabric of her blouse.

Her heart thumped uncomfortably.

A quiver surged through her veins.

His gaze was soft as a caress.

She had to fight her overwhelming need to be close to him.

There was a tingling in the pit of her stomach.

Her heart jolted and her pulse pounded.

He stoked the gently growing fire.

She tried to learn him by heart.

She was powerless to resist.

She felt a lurch of excitement within her.

Her heart ached under her breast.

It was a definite turn on.

(both laughing)