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1
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(low rhythmic humming)
2
00:01:19,794 --> 00:01:24,094
♪ My aching heart ♪
3
00:01:32,858 --> 00:01:37,600
♪ Breaks my slumber ♪
4
00:01:44,533 --> 00:01:47,533
♪ Each waking night ♪
5
00:01:57,591 --> 00:02:02,591
♪ Each waking night ♪
6
00:02:07,262 --> 00:02:12,262
♪ Far a river flows ♪
7
00:02:15,691 --> 00:02:20,691
♪ From sea to sea ♪
8
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:26,225
♪ And washes o'er my liberty ♪
9
00:02:34,879 --> 00:02:39,879
♪ A lark ♪
10
00:02:41,587 --> 00:02:46,587
♪ A lark, she sings ♪
11
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♪ She sings ♪
12
00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:58,003
♪ Sings a song ♪
13
00:02:59,209 --> 00:03:04,209
♪ A song so sweet ♪
14
00:03:08,692 --> 00:03:11,775
♪ To break the stone ♪
15
00:03:13,990 --> 00:03:16,490
(piano notes)
16
00:03:21,528 --> 00:03:24,528
(low synth echoing)
17
00:03:33,488 --> 00:03:34,321
(camera beeping)
18
00:03:34,321 --> 00:03:35,630
- [Jeremy] So we're just
about all packed up here.
19
00:03:35,630 --> 00:03:38,910
I've got my clothes,
my books, some goodies,
20
00:03:38,910 --> 00:03:41,240
and Stacy's in the bathroom
packing whatever it is
21
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,790
you might take 20 minutes
to pack in the bathroom.
22
00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:47,530
Stacy, say hello to the
folks at the internet?
23
00:03:47,530 --> 00:03:49,460
I don't know, wherever
this ends up leaking.
24
00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:52,920
- Jeremy, put the fucking camera away.
25
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,340
Nobody wants to watch two hours
26
00:03:54,340 --> 00:03:55,640
of your shaky-ass home movies.
27
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,520
- [Jeremy] Come on, this is momentous!
28
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,170
We should document this.
29
00:03:59,170 --> 00:04:01,520
- This is exactly what we
should not be documenting.
30
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,300
I'm nervous enough as it is.
31
00:04:03,300 --> 00:04:04,670
Don't exacerbate!
32
00:04:04,670 --> 00:04:06,360
- [Jeremy] Actually, I think exacerbating
33
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:07,840
is on the agenda for night two.
34
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,255
Aw, yeah.
35
00:04:10,255 --> 00:04:12,838
(Stacy scoffs)
36
00:04:15,550 --> 00:04:16,870
So you never did tell me what--
37
00:04:16,870 --> 00:04:18,370
- Jeremy, please.
38
00:04:18,370 --> 00:04:20,070
- All right, all right, I'm sorry.
39
00:04:21,280 --> 00:04:22,810
- I'm sorry too.
40
00:04:22,810 --> 00:04:24,823
Just, I'm a little on edge.
41
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,260
- I thought you were down for this.
42
00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:29,780
You said it'd be good for us, right?
43
00:04:29,780 --> 00:04:30,613
- I did.
44
00:04:31,460 --> 00:04:32,800
It will.
45
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,197
I, I think the reality of everything
46
00:04:35,197 --> 00:04:37,650
is just kind of setting in and...
47
00:04:38,659 --> 00:04:41,642
I don't even know how to
pack for something like this.
48
00:04:41,642 --> 00:04:42,475
- I don't know,
49
00:04:42,475 --> 00:04:45,200
I think you've done
pretty well for yourself.
50
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,033
- Yeah?
51
00:04:46,033 --> 00:04:47,773
- Definitely, there's
a few things in there
52
00:04:47,773 --> 00:04:48,933
I can't wait to see you in.
53
00:04:50,350 --> 00:04:52,600
- Who said they were for me?
54
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:53,853
- Now you're talking.
55
00:04:57,370 --> 00:04:59,300
Thanks to the good sense
of my beautiful wife,
56
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:03,030
you fucks have all been spared
a shitty found footage movie.
57
00:05:03,030 --> 00:05:04,460
Hey, idiot!
58
00:05:04,460 --> 00:05:06,150
Maybe if you put the fucking camera down
59
00:05:06,150 --> 00:05:07,590
and stop running backwards,
60
00:05:07,590 --> 00:05:09,612
you wouldn't die in the next 10 seconds.
61
00:05:09,612 --> 00:05:11,779
(screams)
62
00:05:12,630 --> 00:05:14,780
Unfortunately, found footage or not,
63
00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:17,350
you're still getting a
smarmy self-aware narrator,
64
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:19,080
so buckle up.
65
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,820
Personally, I find narration
to be a little bit of a crutch,
66
00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:24,730
so I'm gonna try to stay out of your hair.
67
00:05:24,730 --> 00:05:26,800
The story you're about
to hear is gonna sound,
68
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:28,530
and honestly, probably look,
69
00:05:28,530 --> 00:05:30,830
like a no-budget horror movie
you get out of one of those
70
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,450
Echo Bridge 30-packs you
can buy for a nickel.
71
00:05:33,450 --> 00:05:35,063
But I swear to you it's true.
72
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,160
I mean, there are some
embellishments, sure,
73
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:39,600
but just as true as any of those other
74
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,560
"based on a true story" flicks.
75
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,360
Probably more true than "The Conjuring."
76
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:44,440
I don't care if your script
77
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,440
is based on two real snake oil peddlers
78
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:47,600
with delusions of grandeur.
79
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,040
Don't stop filming.
80
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:52,533
Well then, we all packed?
81
00:05:52,533 --> 00:05:54,803
- Uh, yeah, I think.
82
00:05:55,780 --> 00:05:57,030
Oh, do you have the tape?
83
00:05:57,990 --> 00:05:59,211
- Three rolls.
84
00:05:59,211 --> 00:06:00,044
- Okay.
85
00:06:02,461 --> 00:06:04,310
(sighs) I think that's it then.
86
00:06:04,310 --> 00:06:05,143
- I think so.
87
00:06:06,090 --> 00:06:06,923
Wait.
88
00:06:12,670 --> 00:06:14,140
- Seriously?
89
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:15,360
You're gonna bring that?
90
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,610
- Yes, seriously.
91
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,973
How else am I supposed to get in the mood?
92
00:06:22,332 --> 00:06:24,915
(Stacy scoffs)
93
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:29,960
Hot wife aside, this, right here,
94
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,457
my very favorite book.
95
00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:33,000
"The Romance Writers' Phrase Book"
96
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,010
by Jean Kent and Candace Shelton.
97
00:06:35,010 --> 00:06:36,650
Two people who I can only assume
98
00:06:36,650 --> 00:06:38,520
have never even been
naked in the same room
99
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,240
as another person.
100
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,870
This schlock is gonna be my secret weapon.
101
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,107
But, we've gotta get going,
102
00:06:44,107 --> 00:06:45,938
we've got a long drive ahead of us.
103
00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:49,021
(hand smacking butt)
104
00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:52,870
- Okay.
105
00:06:53,733 --> 00:06:56,816
(upbeat funky music)
106
00:07:05,397 --> 00:07:06,690
- Andrea just texted me.
107
00:07:06,690 --> 00:07:08,683
She and Matt are already at the cabin.
108
00:07:08,683 --> 00:07:10,700
- What about Kevin and Chastity?
109
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:11,890
- Uh, they're about an hour out,
110
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:13,840
so, they're gonna beat us by a bit too.
111
00:07:16,410 --> 00:07:18,460
- I'm sorry I made us late.
112
00:07:18,460 --> 00:07:19,770
- No, not at all.
113
00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:21,110
I'd rather be the last one there
114
00:07:21,110 --> 00:07:22,530
than sitting around waiting for everybody.
115
00:07:22,530 --> 00:07:24,453
You know how I feel about small talk.
116
00:07:25,910 --> 00:07:29,630
- Gee-whiz, the weather sure
looks fine today, doesn't it?!
117
00:07:29,630 --> 00:07:31,530
I wonder if it'll hold out all weekend.
118
00:07:31,530 --> 00:07:33,072
- Shut the fuck up (laughs).
119
00:07:33,072 --> 00:07:35,739
(Stacy giggles)
120
00:07:43,690 --> 00:07:45,160
- You ready, pig?
121
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,986
- Yeah, I think so.
122
00:07:47,986 --> 00:07:49,398
- You think so?
123
00:07:49,398 --> 00:07:50,577
(straps tightening)
124
00:07:50,577 --> 00:07:51,410
You better be ready
125
00:07:51,410 --> 00:07:53,770
and you better call me by my proper name.
126
00:07:53,770 --> 00:07:54,930
- Yes, Goddess of Death.
127
00:07:54,930 --> 00:07:57,470
Okay, Goddess of Death.
128
00:07:57,470 --> 00:07:58,780
Is it really big?
129
00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:00,600
It looked really big.
130
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,800
Is it gonna be too big?
131
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,080
- Aw, is my little pig scared?
132
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,090
It's no bigger than your cock, sweetie.
133
00:08:08,090 --> 00:08:09,360
- [Matt] Okay, okay,
134
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:13,280
but does it hurt, you know,
like in the butt zone?
135
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,740
- [Andrea] Not with the KY.
136
00:08:14,740 --> 00:08:18,050
(jelly squelching)
137
00:08:18,050 --> 00:08:19,460
Now, prepare yourself!
138
00:08:19,460 --> 00:08:21,940
- Great, just use a little more lube
139
00:08:21,940 --> 00:08:23,923
than you think is necessary, okay?
140
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,680
Could you give me my knife, please?
141
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,710
- [Andrea] Here you go, pig.
142
00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:29,543
- Thank you.
143
00:08:30,570 --> 00:08:32,720
And could you dial it back
a little on the pig, please?
144
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,270
- I'll call you pig how ever many times
145
00:08:34,270 --> 00:08:36,690
I wanna call you pig, pig.
146
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:37,937
- Yes, mistress.
147
00:08:39,108 --> 00:08:41,233
(creepy music)
148
00:08:41,233 --> 00:08:44,150
(blood squelching)
149
00:08:52,050 --> 00:08:54,320
Your pig is ready for your throbbing,
150
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,333
inexplicably black cock.
151
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,333
- I love you, pig.
152
00:09:03,230 --> 00:09:04,663
- Love you too, Goddess.
153
00:09:08,430 --> 00:09:10,350
(death metal music)
God, damn!
154
00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:11,219
- Does it hurt?
155
00:09:11,219 --> 00:09:12,499
- Not really hurt, but,
156
00:09:12,499 --> 00:09:14,050
oh my god, don't just leave it there.
157
00:09:14,050 --> 00:09:16,803
Keep thrusting so we
can get this over with!
158
00:09:16,803 --> 00:09:20,303
(speaks foreign language)
159
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,680
- Now, obviously I wasn't
here for this part,
160
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,170
but based on what I found out later,
161
00:09:45,170 --> 00:09:47,060
I'm pretty sure this is more or less
162
00:09:47,060 --> 00:09:48,950
an accurate representation.
163
00:09:48,950 --> 00:09:50,140
Wait till you meet Matt.
164
00:09:50,140 --> 00:09:52,900
He is a weird fucking dude.
165
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:56,573
Andrea though, I was
excited to meet Andrea.
166
00:10:00,170 --> 00:10:01,040
Oh, shit!
167
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,250
Can we get a close up of that?
168
00:10:02,250 --> 00:10:04,900
I'm pretty sure that's the
important bit right there.
169
00:10:07,988 --> 00:10:08,821
(hand smacking butt)
170
00:10:08,821 --> 00:10:13,821
(death metal music)
(speaking in foreign language)
171
00:10:25,263 --> 00:10:28,222
(ominous music)
172
00:10:28,222 --> 00:10:30,972
(blood dripping)
173
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:40,981
(creepy synth music)
174
00:10:47,006 --> 00:10:49,256
(grunting)
175
00:10:52,413 --> 00:10:55,580
(ominous synth music)
176
00:11:38,382 --> 00:11:41,920
- [Stacy] Wow, this really
is a long drive, isn't it?
177
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,270
- Yeah, at least these
178
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,080
beautiful landscapes fill time though.
179
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,663
You'd be surprised how hard
it is to hit 90 minutes.
180
00:11:48,521 --> 00:11:50,100
- What?
181
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,583
- Don't worry about it, sweetie.
182
00:12:00,661 --> 00:12:03,236
Insert creepy kids laughing dot MP3.
183
00:12:03,236 --> 00:12:05,819
(creepy music)
184
00:12:42,317 --> 00:12:43,750
I'm gonna run inside,
185
00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:45,920
I gotta run the trouser
snake through Tinkle Town.
186
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,240
How much should I put on pump?
187
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:48,610
- [Stacy] Uh, should hold about 20.
188
00:12:48,610 --> 00:12:49,443
- Okay.
189
00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:50,637
You need anything while I'm in there?
190
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:51,750
- No.
191
00:12:51,750 --> 00:12:52,583
Oh!
192
00:12:52,583 --> 00:12:54,740
Um, if they have any Swedish Fish?
193
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:56,653
Do not do the voice.
194
00:12:57,977 --> 00:13:00,420
- I do a really good
Swedish Chef impression.
195
00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:05,420
(imitating Swedish Chef singing
"Old Time Rock and Roll")
196
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:10,473
- Shut the fuck up!
197
00:13:10,473 --> 00:13:14,556
(imitating Swedish Chef
singing "Gangster's Paradise")
198
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,984
- [Jeremy] Urr da borkers
gonna bork, bork, bork, bork.
199
00:13:24,984 --> 00:13:27,330
Urr da flippers gonna
flip, flip, flip, flip.
200
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:29,823
Chicky schurny gonna
skip, skip, skip, skip.
201
00:13:29,823 --> 00:13:31,500
Skip a borp, skip a borp--
202
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:32,843
- I want a divorce.
203
00:13:36,790 --> 00:13:37,623
- What?
204
00:13:59,690 --> 00:14:01,740
Okay, maybe it's not the best impression.
205
00:14:19,890 --> 00:14:22,010
- Excuse me, sir, are
you from around here?
206
00:14:22,010 --> 00:14:23,370
- Born and bred.
207
00:14:23,370 --> 00:14:24,540
- [Jeremy] Inbred.
208
00:14:24,540 --> 00:14:27,270
- Well, we're trying to get
to the cabins at Elk Ridge,
209
00:14:27,270 --> 00:14:29,190
and my friend gave me some directions
210
00:14:29,190 --> 00:14:31,290
that don't seem to make,
211
00:14:31,290 --> 00:14:33,820
oh, uh, no thank you.
212
00:14:33,820 --> 00:14:37,990
Um, but, uh, the directions
my friend gave me
213
00:14:37,990 --> 00:14:39,650
don't seem to make much sense,
214
00:14:39,650 --> 00:14:41,810
and I tried looking it up on
my phone but I can't seem--
215
00:14:41,810 --> 00:14:45,330
- Oh, you ain't gonna get your
internets out here, missy.
216
00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:47,610
- Oh, well, no, apparently not.
217
00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:50,170
It's kind of out there for us.
218
00:14:50,170 --> 00:14:53,170
- Yeah, Locust Valley is a
little off the beaten path.
219
00:14:53,170 --> 00:14:55,050
But, our folks up here they,
220
00:14:55,050 --> 00:14:56,663
they really value their privacy.
221
00:14:57,570 --> 00:14:59,020
- Oh, we don't wanna disturb anybody,
222
00:14:59,020 --> 00:15:02,121
we're just looking for
a, a quiet weekend away.
223
00:15:02,121 --> 00:15:03,240
- You and uh,
224
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:06,117
the horny Kewpie doll that just
walked in there, your fella?
225
00:15:06,117 --> 00:15:07,650
- (laughs) Yeah, that one.
226
00:15:07,650 --> 00:15:09,640
- All right.
- Well, and a couple
227
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:10,770
friends of ours.
228
00:15:10,770 --> 00:15:13,880
Uh, we are just having a
fun little get together,
229
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,510
and maybe get some fresh air,
230
00:15:16,510 --> 00:15:19,342
go for a hike, or probably something.
231
00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:21,313
- Uh-huh.
232
00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:24,620
Well, if you're looking for privacy
233
00:15:24,620 --> 00:15:25,800
you've come to the right place.
234
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,990
You know, the nearest town to Elk Ridge
235
00:15:27,990 --> 00:15:30,260
is probably a good 60 miles out.
236
00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:33,077
And heaven help you little
lady if you need a hospital.
237
00:15:34,860 --> 00:15:36,810
- Right, uh, well,
238
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,480
this is the route that
um, my friend gave me,
239
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,860
and uh, and I know I was
supposed to take a turn
240
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:45,060
somewhere back there but,
um, I can't seem to find
241
00:15:45,060 --> 00:15:46,570
Twisted Pine Road.
242
00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:47,867
- Twisted Pine?!
243
00:15:48,922 --> 00:15:51,013
Oh, you do not wanna go that way.
244
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,666
No one in their right mind
goes that way anymore.
245
00:15:54,666 --> 00:15:57,333
(ominous music)
246
00:15:58,890 --> 00:16:00,910
Well, nah, 'cause it washed
out a couple of months ago
247
00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:02,440
in the big flood we had up there.
248
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:05,620
No, what you wanna do is you
wanna take a detour route, see.
249
00:16:05,620 --> 00:16:08,230
See, you wanna follow this
road couple more miles north,
250
00:16:08,230 --> 00:16:09,530
'bout the way you were going,
251
00:16:09,530 --> 00:16:11,964
when you get to Craven
Creek, you wanna take a left.
252
00:16:11,964 --> 00:16:12,797
- 'Kay.
253
00:16:12,797 --> 00:16:15,070
- Follow that down maybe 10 miles or so.
254
00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:17,070
You wanna look out for Raimi Road,
255
00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:18,660
take a right on Raimi
256
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,840
then you wanna follow that
all the way to the end.
257
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,150
That'll get you to Elk Ridge
258
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:26,750
a couple miles north of where
Twisted Pines woulda put ya.
259
00:16:26,750 --> 00:16:28,556
But you should be able to
find your cabin from there.
260
00:16:28,556 --> 00:16:30,540
- Oh my gosh, thank you so much.
261
00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:31,890
- Oh, well, you're quite welcome, ma'am.
262
00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:33,100
You have a blessed day.
263
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:33,933
- Thank you.
264
00:16:34,980 --> 00:16:36,450
- See Pa Kettle back there?
265
00:16:36,450 --> 00:16:38,414
No, wait, I can do better.
266
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,460
(voice rewinding)
267
00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:43,080
- Did you see Jed Clampett back there?
268
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,260
One more time.
269
00:16:44,260 --> 00:16:45,410
Let me see if I can come up with something
270
00:16:45,410 --> 00:16:47,380
a little more topical.
271
00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:48,254
For the kids.
272
00:16:48,254 --> 00:16:49,308
(voice rewinding)
273
00:16:51,150 --> 00:16:52,710
- You see Merle Dixon back there?
274
00:16:52,710 --> 00:16:53,739
- Who?
275
00:16:53,739 --> 00:16:55,450
- (sighs) Never mind.
276
00:16:55,450 --> 00:16:56,292
Got your Fish.
277
00:16:56,292 --> 00:16:58,742
(creepy clanging)
278
00:16:58,742 --> 00:16:59,589
(woman moaning)
279
00:17:01,181 --> 00:17:04,610
- Mm, you know, that old man
you were so rude about earlier
280
00:17:04,610 --> 00:17:06,550
actually gave me proper directions.
281
00:17:06,550 --> 00:17:08,385
- What, Andrea's weren't any good?
282
00:17:08,385 --> 00:17:10,400
- Well, no, Andrea's
directions had us going
283
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:11,770
about two hours down a road
284
00:17:11,770 --> 00:17:13,620
that has been closed for a while.
285
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:14,885
- Must have been those cones we passed.
286
00:17:14,885 --> 00:17:16,052
- Mm, I guess.
287
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:19,900
In any case, he gave us
a smart little detour
288
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:21,870
and should have us there
in about half an hour.
289
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:23,040
- Sweet!
290
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,153
Well let's hurry up and get
there so I can get randy.
291
00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:28,910
- You did not invite cross-eyed
Randy from Jiffy Lube.
292
00:17:30,339 --> 00:17:31,457
(sighs)
293
00:17:31,457 --> 00:17:36,457
(bugs chirping)
(bugs humming)
294
00:17:38,982 --> 00:17:41,649
(flies buzzing)
295
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,497
Oh my god, honey, it's Bambi.
296
00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:55,380
Go see if it's okay.
297
00:17:55,380 --> 00:17:56,914
- Seriously?
298
00:17:56,914 --> 00:17:58,093
- Well, yeah, I mean,
we can't just leave it,
299
00:17:58,093 --> 00:18:00,408
what if it's dying and
in pain or something?
300
00:18:00,408 --> 00:18:02,233
I don't know, please.
301
00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:04,700
- [Jeremy] Ugh, all right, hold on.
302
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:06,282
- Thanks, honey.
303
00:18:06,282 --> 00:18:08,949
(flies buzzing)
304
00:18:12,455 --> 00:18:15,122
(ominous music)
305
00:18:34,463 --> 00:18:36,190
(gas escaping)
306
00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:38,390
- Oh my god, is it still alive?
307
00:18:38,390 --> 00:18:41,450
- No, it's a death
rattle or something, ugh.
308
00:18:45,930 --> 00:18:47,240
I think it fell off the back
309
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,350
of a hunter's truck or something.
310
00:18:48,350 --> 00:18:50,500
Its throat was slit, ugh.
311
00:18:51,889 --> 00:18:53,650
- Oh my god.
312
00:18:53,650 --> 00:18:55,326
- Whatever, just go around it.
313
00:18:55,326 --> 00:18:56,409
- Ugh, Jesus.
314
00:18:59,701 --> 00:19:02,368
(flies buzzing)
315
00:19:04,934 --> 00:19:07,601
(ominous music)
316
00:19:10,674 --> 00:19:13,591
(snarled growling)
317
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:15,433
Babe, this is gonna be so awkward.
318
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,920
- Most likely won't be too bad.
319
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,318
I don't think.
320
00:20:21,318 --> 00:20:24,797
- Well that's encouraging.
321
00:20:24,797 --> 00:20:27,464
(ominous music)
322
00:20:35,145 --> 00:20:35,978
- Look.
323
00:20:38,380 --> 00:20:40,320
Matt and Kevin, they, they been doing this
324
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:41,960
swapping shit for a while.
325
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,223
It's like old hat to 'em.
326
00:20:45,420 --> 00:20:46,363
You're sexy.
327
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,053
I'm very sexy.
328
00:20:51,490 --> 00:20:53,100
We're gonna be more popular than cucumbers
329
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:54,400
at a Catholic girl's school.
330
00:20:55,410 --> 00:20:56,423
- You're disgusting.
331
00:20:58,360 --> 00:20:59,303
- Please trust me.
332
00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:01,383
- Okay.
333
00:21:01,383 --> 00:21:02,743
But don't push your luck.
334
00:21:08,039 --> 00:21:10,622
(all chatting)
335
00:21:19,305 --> 00:21:23,011
- Maybe we should have
gotten here a little earlier.
336
00:21:23,011 --> 00:21:24,171
- Jeremy!
337
00:21:24,171 --> 00:21:26,350
Jeremy, how you doing, man?
338
00:21:26,350 --> 00:21:27,927
How was your drive?
339
00:21:37,860 --> 00:21:40,120
- I guess you're gonna need
some background on these guys.
340
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,230
Matthew,
(upbeat music)
341
00:21:42,230 --> 00:21:44,380
used to be my coworker
before he got fired.
342
00:21:45,380 --> 00:21:46,630
Now he thinks we're friends.
343
00:21:46,630 --> 00:21:48,010
This whole thing was his idea
344
00:21:48,010 --> 00:21:49,710
after I mentioned that Stacy and I had
345
00:21:51,354 --> 00:21:52,880
hit a bit of a rough patch.
346
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,090
Uh, he swears up and down that
one of these get togethers
347
00:21:56,090 --> 00:21:58,390
saved things between him
and his wife, Andrea.
348
00:21:59,430 --> 00:22:01,410
This beautiful vixen
here, about to knock back
349
00:22:01,410 --> 00:22:04,330
what I'm sure is not
her first glass of wine,
350
00:22:04,330 --> 00:22:06,630
you may remember her
from the pegging earlier.
351
00:22:09,990 --> 00:22:11,530
As for Woody and Buzzed here,
352
00:22:11,530 --> 00:22:13,560
I don't really know too much about them.
353
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,033
Kevin maybe went to school with Matthew?
354
00:22:17,053 --> 00:22:17,886
You know what?
355
00:22:17,886 --> 00:22:18,890
I really don't care.
356
00:22:18,890 --> 00:22:21,490
And the woman practically
riding his dick, Chastity,
357
00:22:22,610 --> 00:22:24,460
probably not his wife
'cause I don't see any rings
358
00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:26,400
on their fingers, but they've
been together forever.
359
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,320
Stacy and I went out to
dinner with them one time
360
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,480
to make sure they weren't disgusting
361
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,020
but, honestly, the only
thing we really know
362
00:22:31,020 --> 00:22:32,710
about them is they're,
363
00:22:32,710 --> 00:22:34,180
well, they're relatively doable.
364
00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:36,470
Now, if you'll excuse me.
365
00:22:48,490 --> 00:22:49,323
- Oh, Matthew!
366
00:22:49,323 --> 00:22:51,323
Oh, okay, we're hugging.
367
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:54,873
- Jeremy!
368
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:55,706
- Matthew.
369
00:22:59,290 --> 00:23:00,770
- So sorry about the directions, guys,
370
00:23:00,770 --> 00:23:03,650
I had no idea that the road would be out.
371
00:23:03,650 --> 00:23:05,620
- Oh, no, it was fine.
372
00:23:05,620 --> 00:23:07,390
Um, it ended up being okay,
373
00:23:07,390 --> 00:23:10,310
we found this nice old man
who gave us some directions.
374
00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:12,540
Which is lucky because apparently our GPS
375
00:23:12,540 --> 00:23:14,670
didn't know half these little roads.
376
00:23:14,670 --> 00:23:17,400
- Yeah, it's definitely
the wilderness out here.
377
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,410
Can I get you guys anything to drink?
378
00:23:19,410 --> 00:23:21,039
- That would be awesome, thank you.
379
00:23:21,039 --> 00:23:22,456
- [Andrea] Great.
380
00:23:23,940 --> 00:23:26,308
- I would like some wine, please.
381
00:23:26,308 --> 00:23:27,553
Big ol' glass of wine.
382
00:23:31,462 --> 00:23:34,129
(bugs chirping)
383
00:23:38,527 --> 00:23:43,527
(ominous music)
(heavy breathing)
384
00:23:55,148 --> 00:23:57,398
(grunting)
385
00:24:16,210 --> 00:24:19,050
- Okay, folks, pool up some cash.
386
00:24:19,050 --> 00:24:21,070
Pizza guy is gonna be
here in a few minutes.
387
00:24:21,070 --> 00:24:22,565
- Get the fuck out of here.
388
00:24:22,565 --> 00:24:24,245
We're a hundred miles
from a god damn hospital
389
00:24:24,245 --> 00:24:25,078
and you can get a pizza out here?
390
00:24:25,078 --> 00:24:27,120
- Go fucking figure, right?
391
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,110
Some mom and pop shit shop.
392
00:24:29,110 --> 00:24:30,870
They probably make enough
money during the summer
393
00:24:30,870 --> 00:24:33,710
on tourists to justify
their pitiful existence.
394
00:24:33,710 --> 00:24:36,782
- Be nice, the people
around here aren't that bad.
395
00:24:36,782 --> 00:24:37,803
- What people?
396
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:39,793
- Oh, okay.
397
00:24:45,270 --> 00:24:47,070
- So, tell me about the drive, stud.
398
00:24:48,090 --> 00:24:50,730
- Well--
- Actually, I did all
399
00:24:50,730 --> 00:24:52,410
the driving, thank you.
400
00:24:52,410 --> 00:24:54,663
Jeremy here is afraid of country roads.
401
00:24:55,967 --> 00:24:57,050
- Well, yeah.
402
00:24:58,940 --> 00:25:01,256
It was fine, uneventful.
403
00:25:01,256 --> 00:25:06,240
- Well, except that bit
about the wrong directions.
404
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,340
- She already apologized,
405
00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:08,350
you don't have to keep bringing it up.
406
00:25:08,350 --> 00:25:11,600
- Oh, no, I'm sorry, you just
said that it was uneventful
407
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,540
and I think that that counts as an event.
408
00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:16,306
I mean, that negates the un,
409
00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:17,260
doesn't it?
- You know what I was saying.
410
00:25:17,260 --> 00:25:18,093
- Oh, do I?
- You don't have to be
411
00:25:18,093 --> 00:25:19,013
pedantic while we're here with everyone--
412
00:25:19,013 --> 00:25:22,270
- Uh, you know, I don't like
these country roads either,
413
00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:24,110
especially not with our car.
414
00:25:24,110 --> 00:25:25,830
The roads are too narrow.
415
00:25:25,830 --> 00:25:28,080
I freak out whenever we pass somebody.
416
00:25:42,330 --> 00:25:44,153
- Um, well, I mean,
417
00:25:45,419 --> 00:25:47,117
we kinda have to acknowledge the,
418
00:25:48,730 --> 00:25:52,770
you know, we have to acknowledge
the logistics of the, the--
419
00:25:52,770 --> 00:25:54,150
- Orgy.
420
00:25:54,150 --> 00:25:55,810
It's an orgy, man.
421
00:25:55,810 --> 00:25:57,350
You gotta own it.
422
00:25:57,350 --> 00:26:00,430
The logistics usually work themselves out.
423
00:26:00,430 --> 00:26:02,793
See first, you typically start kissing.
424
00:26:07,390 --> 00:26:08,790
And then you start fondling.
425
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,510
Then you're naked and horizontal.
426
00:26:12,510 --> 00:26:14,273
It's like regular sex,
427
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:17,253
but with bonus holes.
428
00:26:18,868 --> 00:26:20,373
- Thank you, Kevin.
429
00:26:21,652 --> 00:26:23,110
But I know,
430
00:26:23,110 --> 00:26:26,210
I mean, if we're going to have an orgy,
431
00:26:26,210 --> 00:26:27,670
we should probably iron
out the little details.
432
00:26:27,670 --> 00:26:30,440
- Way to make it sound sexy, babe.
433
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:31,630
- Oh, oh, no, no.
434
00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:32,930
I, I was just trying--
435
00:26:32,930 --> 00:26:34,560
- We know what you were
trying to do, cutie,
436
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,890
but you're horrible at it.
437
00:26:36,890 --> 00:26:37,753
Let me do it.
438
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:40,650
Stacy.
439
00:26:40,650 --> 00:26:41,600
Jeremy.
440
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:44,070
You both seem a little tense.
441
00:26:44,070 --> 00:26:45,890
This is your first time?
442
00:26:45,890 --> 00:26:47,150
- Yes.
443
00:26:47,150 --> 00:26:49,980
I mean, this time last year
444
00:26:49,980 --> 00:26:52,070
we would never have even considered
445
00:26:52,070 --> 00:26:54,120
doing something like this,
446
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,980
but Dr. Stiefel says that we need
447
00:26:56,980 --> 00:26:59,823
to try new experiences together.
448
00:27:00,740 --> 00:27:04,740
- Well, I can promise you
this is gonna be a great time.
449
00:27:04,740 --> 00:27:08,393
Tell me, what can I do to put you at ease?
450
00:27:10,329 --> 00:27:11,900
- A blow job would go a long way.
451
00:27:11,900 --> 00:27:13,920
- Isn't that a little premature?
452
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,460
- Oh, well,
453
00:27:15,460 --> 00:27:17,494
that's par for the course with this one.
454
00:27:17,494 --> 00:27:20,170
- [Kevin] Hey-oh!
455
00:27:20,170 --> 00:27:21,003
- Thank you.
456
00:27:21,003 --> 00:27:26,003
Um, my concern, actually,
is more to do with cameras.
457
00:27:26,220 --> 00:27:29,163
Uh, Jeremy wanted to bring the camcorder.
458
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,383
But, I just don't feel very comfortable
459
00:27:32,383 --> 00:27:34,000
with any recordings right now.
460
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,400
I mean, even if it's just for us.
461
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:37,400
- Well, of course.
462
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,763
I mean, we didn't bring anything.
463
00:27:41,270 --> 00:27:43,373
- Well, I mean,
464
00:27:44,990 --> 00:27:45,823
your phones.
465
00:27:48,410 --> 00:27:49,283
- That's true.
466
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:51,937
Hold on a second.
467
00:27:58,211 --> 00:28:00,794
(Stacy laughs)
468
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:07,020
Found this in the bedroom earlier.
469
00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:09,720
You know, and since the phones
don't work out here anyway,
470
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,827
we can just lock 'em up.
471
00:28:11,827 --> 00:28:13,277
- That's a great idea, honey.
472
00:28:14,930 --> 00:28:16,830
Does that make you feel better, Stacy?
473
00:28:19,870 --> 00:28:22,450
- And, for extra security we can stow 'em
474
00:28:22,450 --> 00:28:25,480
in the unnecessarily spooky crawlment.
475
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:26,953
- [Stacy] Yeah, oh, yeah.
476
00:28:40,317 --> 00:28:43,400
(light bulb humming)
477
00:28:45,864 --> 00:28:48,781
(Matt's footsteps)
478
00:29:07,427 --> 00:29:10,000
- Looks like a raccoon or something
479
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:11,593
was digging around down there.
480
00:29:12,690 --> 00:29:15,380
- Ew, you didn't see the
furry little fuck, did you?
481
00:29:15,380 --> 00:29:18,250
- Nah, it was just some
critter's hole. I mean,
482
00:29:18,250 --> 00:29:20,800
whatever was down there is gone now.
483
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,410
Just, you know, be aware in case
484
00:29:22,410 --> 00:29:24,527
anybody goes down there for something.
485
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:29,480
- So, now that the phones
have been taken care of,
486
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,620
let's do something fun.
487
00:29:31,620 --> 00:29:35,323
Um, everybody brought toys, right?
488
00:29:37,230 --> 00:29:38,063
All right.
489
00:29:38,063 --> 00:29:40,873
Let's go round and show
everybody what we got.
490
00:29:42,985 --> 00:29:45,230
- You break out the toys, babe.
491
00:29:45,230 --> 00:29:47,262
I'll be back in a minute.
492
00:29:47,262 --> 00:29:48,095
- Hey, hey!
493
00:29:48,095 --> 00:29:50,390
You're gonna wanna leave
some toilet paper in there.
494
00:29:50,390 --> 00:29:53,993
(funky rock music)
495
00:29:53,993 --> 00:29:58,457
♪ Yeah ♪
496
00:29:58,457 --> 00:30:03,457
♪ Mm, yeah ♪
497
00:30:07,423 --> 00:30:10,706
♪ I want to, to feel ya ♪
498
00:30:10,706 --> 00:30:13,988
♪ I need to feel you, feel you ♪
499
00:30:13,988 --> 00:30:17,299
♪ My heart it, ain't easy ♪
500
00:30:17,299 --> 00:30:20,729
♪ My life ain't complete, yeah ♪
501
00:30:20,729 --> 00:30:24,313
♪ Your lips, I can't resist ♪
502
00:30:24,313 --> 00:30:26,869
♪ Tender bits of you ♪
503
00:30:26,869 --> 00:30:31,085
♪ Your hips, I can't resist ♪
504
00:30:31,085 --> 00:30:34,014
♪ Tender bits of you ♪
505
00:30:34,014 --> 00:30:37,345
♪ My love is a mystery ♪
506
00:30:37,345 --> 00:30:40,637
♪ It's surely for history ♪
507
00:30:40,637 --> 00:30:42,340
♪ I'll hold you ♪
508
00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:43,997
♪ I'll kiss you too ♪
509
00:30:43,997 --> 00:30:47,997
♪ I'll promise to love you true ♪
510
00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:55,640
- So did I miss anything exciting?
511
00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:58,370
- No, uh, looks like the
excitement just got here.
512
00:30:58,370 --> 00:31:01,053
- So were we actually
going to get started?
513
00:31:02,010 --> 00:31:05,290
- Um, we should really
wait for the pizza first.
514
00:31:05,290 --> 00:31:08,230
- How boring, can't we
make out or something?
515
00:31:08,230 --> 00:31:10,250
- Didn't you get enough of that earlier?
516
00:31:10,250 --> 00:31:11,610
- That's just Kevin.
517
00:31:11,610 --> 00:31:13,040
I wanna try something new
518
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,737
or watch someone else try something new.
519
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,403
- New, I like new.
520
00:31:19,750 --> 00:31:21,563
- Kevin, who should make out first?
521
00:31:22,500 --> 00:31:24,690
- I would like to--
- (laughs) No.
522
00:31:24,690 --> 00:31:26,680
Who wants to make out?
523
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:27,513
- I'll go.
524
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,870
Andrea, you uh, wanna
get in on this with me?
525
00:31:30,870 --> 00:31:33,383
- Well, how does Stacy feel about that?
526
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:36,713
- Um,
527
00:31:38,030 --> 00:31:39,310
it's a little soon.
528
00:31:39,310 --> 00:31:40,743
It's nothing personal.
529
00:31:41,732 --> 00:31:42,899
- Well, Jesus,
530
00:31:44,490 --> 00:31:46,208
why don't you kiss her?
- Seconded!
531
00:31:46,208 --> 00:31:47,041
- Yes!
532
00:31:48,500 --> 00:31:50,863
- Um, I,
533
00:31:52,460 --> 00:31:55,880
I've never, I've never kissed a girl.
534
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:56,730
- Oh, it's better.
535
00:31:56,730 --> 00:31:58,540
- Yeah, it's better.
536
00:31:58,540 --> 00:32:03,055
- I mean, I don't, I don't know
that I'm ready yet for that.
537
00:32:03,055 --> 00:32:04,303
- It's no big deal, babe.
538
00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:07,320
- It can be just as hot to watch.
539
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:10,250
Would it make you feel better
to see somebody else do it?
540
00:32:10,250 --> 00:32:14,053
- Yeah, Cake Pop, you can kiss Chastity.
541
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:22,270
- I was thinking more
like you and um, Jeremy.
542
00:32:22,270 --> 00:32:24,830
- Uh, Andrea.
543
00:32:24,830 --> 00:32:26,270
- You're gonna do it and
you're gonna like it.
544
00:32:26,270 --> 00:32:27,660
- Yes, ma'am.
545
00:32:27,660 --> 00:32:30,304
- I don't think this is
the best place to start.
546
00:32:30,304 --> 00:32:32,070
- Oh, but,
547
00:32:33,230 --> 00:32:35,573
it's not a big deal, babe.
548
00:32:42,157 --> 00:32:42,990
- All right.
549
00:32:42,990 --> 00:32:44,210
It's not a big deal.
550
00:32:44,210 --> 00:32:46,300
Men kiss men every day.
551
00:32:46,300 --> 00:32:47,980
- My dad used to kiss his barber.
552
00:32:47,980 --> 00:32:50,763
- It's actually not that different.
553
00:32:51,767 --> 00:32:53,590
- (sighs) Fine,
554
00:32:53,590 --> 00:32:58,260
but, afterwards I wanna
see you kissing Andrea,
555
00:32:58,260 --> 00:33:00,373
and then I get to kiss a damn girl.
556
00:33:07,997 --> 00:33:09,358
- [Andrea] What?!
557
00:33:09,358 --> 00:33:10,920
- [Chastity] That was weak.
558
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:14,790
- Well, I was kinda hoping
for a little better.
559
00:33:14,790 --> 00:33:19,193
- Look, it's gotta be a real
kiss if you want me to go next.
560
00:33:20,230 --> 00:33:21,720
Real kiss.
561
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:23,618
- Okay, okay.
562
00:33:23,618 --> 00:33:24,451
Okay!
563
00:33:31,525 --> 00:33:34,275
(bones cracking)
564
00:33:41,170 --> 00:33:42,003
Dude!
565
00:33:42,003 --> 00:33:42,836
You taste like Funyuns.
566
00:33:42,836 --> 00:33:44,061
- I just ate Funyuns.
567
00:33:44,061 --> 00:33:45,548
(Stacy laughs)
568
00:33:45,548 --> 00:33:46,950
- We are all brushing our teeth
569
00:33:46,950 --> 00:33:48,450
before this orgy gets started.
570
00:33:49,910 --> 00:33:51,200
All right, ladies.
571
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:52,713
I believe you owe us a show.
572
00:33:54,780 --> 00:33:56,093
- [Andrea] You good?
573
00:33:56,093 --> 00:33:59,573
- (exhales) As good as
I'm gonna get, I guess.
574
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,023
Let's do this, okay.
575
00:34:04,757 --> 00:34:08,007
(sexy saxophone music)
576
00:34:22,427 --> 00:34:23,360
(knocking on door)
577
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:25,480
- God dammit!
578
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,220
- [Andrea] Pizza's here! (laughs)
579
00:34:27,220 --> 00:34:29,081
- Somebody better go pay for that.
580
00:34:29,081 --> 00:34:30,065
- (sighs) Yeah.
581
00:34:30,065 --> 00:34:32,732
(Andrea laughs)
582
00:34:40,510 --> 00:34:42,853
- Uh, bad time?
583
00:34:44,052 --> 00:34:45,390
- A little.
584
00:34:45,390 --> 00:34:47,000
- [Pizza Boy] I'm sorry, sir.
585
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,090
- No, no, it's fine.
586
00:34:48,090 --> 00:34:49,510
You have trouble finding the place?
587
00:34:49,510 --> 00:34:51,943
- Why does everybody ask me that?
588
00:34:55,350 --> 00:34:56,985
- What's the damage?
589
00:34:56,985 --> 00:34:57,818
- The damage?
590
00:34:57,818 --> 00:34:59,680
No, sir, I didn't, I
didn't damage anything.
591
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:00,630
I have your pizzas.
592
00:35:01,470 --> 00:35:04,430
- How much does the pizza cost?
593
00:35:04,430 --> 00:35:06,333
- [Pizza Boy] $22.68, sir.
594
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:11,220
- Keep the change.
595
00:35:11,220 --> 00:35:12,070
- Thank you, sir.
596
00:35:13,290 --> 00:35:15,450
Sir,
597
00:35:15,450 --> 00:35:19,190
can I ask you a rather forward question?
598
00:35:19,190 --> 00:35:20,433
- Absolutely not.
599
00:35:22,010 --> 00:35:23,220
But I kinda get the impression
600
00:35:23,220 --> 00:35:24,940
you're going to anyway, aren't you?
601
00:35:24,940 --> 00:35:27,140
- Are you guys
602
00:35:27,140 --> 00:35:29,263
having an orgy?
603
00:35:30,710 --> 00:35:32,100
- What? What?
604
00:35:32,100 --> 00:35:33,910
No, we, no!
605
00:35:33,910 --> 00:35:37,240
- Dude, I can literally see
all of the sex toys back there,
606
00:35:37,240 --> 00:35:39,903
plus that uh, one lady sluttin' it up.
607
00:35:44,415 --> 00:35:47,150
- Don't you shame her, she
can wear whatever she wants.
608
00:35:47,150 --> 00:35:48,970
- Yeah, dude, I'm all for that.
609
00:35:48,970 --> 00:35:50,600
Listen, you gotta let me in on this.
610
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,033
It is too perfect.
611
00:35:55,290 --> 00:35:57,380
- What's too perfect?
612
00:35:57,380 --> 00:35:59,580
- The sexy older couples having an orgy,
613
00:35:59,580 --> 00:36:02,880
the hot young stud who comes
by to deliver the pizza pies.
614
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:05,510
This shit writes itself.
615
00:36:05,510 --> 00:36:06,520
- Nobody's writing anything.
616
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:07,440
Young stud?
617
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:08,310
Get the fuck outta here.
618
00:36:08,310 --> 00:36:09,690
- Come on, man, please.
619
00:36:09,690 --> 00:36:10,523
- No.
620
00:36:10,523 --> 00:36:11,420
- Please.
- No!
621
00:36:11,420 --> 00:36:13,320
- Look, I don't even have
to stay for the whole thing,
622
00:36:13,320 --> 00:36:16,630
just let me fuck the shy one and blow you,
623
00:36:16,630 --> 00:36:18,153
and I'll be on my way.
624
00:36:21,240 --> 00:36:23,850
I'm mostly straight but
I have like a daddy thing
625
00:36:23,850 --> 00:36:24,683
and you just--
626
00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:26,030
- Get the fuck out, shoo!
627
00:36:26,030 --> 00:36:27,230
Get the fuck outta here.
628
00:36:33,090 --> 00:36:35,490
You know, with a few more beers in me,
629
00:36:35,490 --> 00:36:37,010
I might have let him blow me.
630
00:36:37,010 --> 00:36:38,003
Don't judge me.
631
00:36:39,590 --> 00:36:41,470
Like I'm gonna turn down a free blow job
632
00:36:41,470 --> 00:36:43,587
just because a dude's a sketchy weirdo.
633
00:36:45,429 --> 00:36:48,096
(ominous music)
634
00:36:59,446 --> 00:37:01,249
- Did you like need more napkins or--
635
00:37:01,249 --> 00:37:03,975
(blood spurting)
636
00:37:03,975 --> 00:37:08,535
♪ Yeah, I don't think I
can make it any clearer ♪
637
00:37:08,535 --> 00:37:11,840
♪ That you and me should get nearer ♪
638
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:15,245
♪ Get closer, why don't ya ♪
639
00:37:15,245 --> 00:37:18,522
♪ Don't make me use a magic potion ♪
640
00:37:18,522 --> 00:37:21,817
♪ But it ain't that, that easy ♪
641
00:37:21,817 --> 00:37:25,206
♪ And I ain't that, that cheesy ♪
642
00:37:25,206 --> 00:37:28,542
♪ I was willing to wait for a while ♪
643
00:37:28,542 --> 00:37:31,882
♪ But you're killing my grace and style ♪
644
00:37:31,882 --> 00:37:35,083
♪ Oh, girl, I know you're
better than worth it ♪
645
00:37:35,083 --> 00:37:38,534
♪ So let me hold you in my arms ♪
646
00:37:38,534 --> 00:37:41,869
♪ Oh, girl, I know you're
practically perfect ♪
647
00:37:41,869 --> 00:37:45,206
♪ I would never ever do you no harm ♪
648
00:37:45,206 --> 00:37:48,446
♪ Oh, baby, I know that you love me ♪
649
00:37:48,446 --> 00:37:51,853
♪ Why don't you just be mine ♪
650
00:37:51,853 --> 00:37:55,200
♪ Oh, baby, you said that you love me ♪
651
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,783
♪ So why don't you be mine ♪
652
00:38:01,131 --> 00:38:04,501
- So, Jeremy, what's this
book that you brought?
653
00:38:04,501 --> 00:38:05,418
- Oh, that?
654
00:38:06,350 --> 00:38:07,663
Secret weapon time.
655
00:38:08,990 --> 00:38:10,630
It's just this book Stacy and I found
656
00:38:10,630 --> 00:38:12,283
in a crazy old used bookstore.
657
00:38:14,067 --> 00:38:16,490
- "The Romance Writers' Prase Book."
658
00:38:16,490 --> 00:38:19,290
the essential source book
for every romantic novelist.
659
00:38:19,290 --> 00:38:21,820
Contains over 3000 descriptive tags,
660
00:38:21,820 --> 00:38:24,210
arranged for quick, easy reference.
661
00:38:24,210 --> 00:38:27,830
Guaranteed to stimulate the imagination.
662
00:38:27,830 --> 00:38:29,394
- What is it?
663
00:38:29,394 --> 00:38:31,550
- It's exactly what it sounds like.
664
00:38:31,550 --> 00:38:33,990
It's a phrase book for
talentless hacks to use
665
00:38:33,990 --> 00:38:34,844
while they're churning out
666
00:38:34,844 --> 00:38:37,540
their Harlequin romance trash
for grocery store aisles.
667
00:38:37,540 --> 00:38:38,963
Here, let me see it.
668
00:38:41,927 --> 00:38:44,677
(metal clanging)
669
00:38:57,900 --> 00:39:01,647
His mouth throbbed with
a passionate message.
670
00:39:01,647 --> 00:39:03,353
Oh, yeah.
671
00:39:03,353 --> 00:39:05,943
A hot ache grew in her throat.
672
00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:13,033
He fondled one small globe,
its pink nipple throbbing.
673
00:39:14,130 --> 00:39:15,790
- [Andrea] It does not say that.
674
00:39:15,790 --> 00:39:17,233
- Oh, but it does.
675
00:39:22,410 --> 00:39:24,940
- The sweetly intoxicating musk
676
00:39:24,940 --> 00:39:27,290
of his body overwhelmed her.
677
00:39:27,290 --> 00:39:30,465
A rush of pink stained her cheeks.
678
00:39:30,465 --> 00:39:33,215
(Andrea giggles)
679
00:39:35,499 --> 00:39:38,166
(ominous music)
680
00:39:41,169 --> 00:39:43,833
- The huskiness lingered in his tone.
681
00:39:47,573 --> 00:39:50,240
(ominous music)
682
00:39:54,007 --> 00:39:56,840
- His closeness was so male, so bracing,
683
00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:59,390
sending shivers of delight through her.
684
00:39:59,390 --> 00:40:02,215
She asks playfully, glancing at him.
685
00:40:02,215 --> 00:40:05,480
(ominous music)
686
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:08,133
- She locked herself into his embrace.
687
00:40:09,140 --> 00:40:11,980
Burying her hands in his thick hair,
688
00:40:11,980 --> 00:40:14,853
the magnificent man in her arms, at last.
689
00:40:20,330 --> 00:40:22,350
- A muscle quivered at his jaw.
690
00:40:22,350 --> 00:40:25,030
Nervously, she moistened her dry lips.
691
00:40:25,030 --> 00:40:28,163
There was a suspicious line
at the corners of his mouth.
692
00:40:30,010 --> 00:40:31,170
- It's got descriptors too.
693
00:40:31,170 --> 00:40:32,023
Here, let me see.
694
00:40:37,330 --> 00:40:40,783
Dark, snappy eyes looked out
from his sun-toughened face.
695
00:40:41,950 --> 00:40:44,152
Hatred blazed in those eyes.
696
00:40:44,152 --> 00:40:46,402
(snarling)
697
00:40:49,434 --> 00:40:51,360
- Ugh, I'm bored!
698
00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:53,923
Why isn't anyone inside of me yet?
699
00:40:59,099 --> 00:41:02,100
- Is she starting this orgy without us?
700
00:41:02,100 --> 00:41:02,933
- Yeah.
701
00:41:10,370 --> 00:41:11,203
- Well,
702
00:41:12,070 --> 00:41:14,573
you guys do what you gotta do.
703
00:41:15,990 --> 00:41:16,940
I'm gonna join her.
704
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,223
- [Chastity] It's about time
there's some orgy in this orgy.
705
00:41:25,990 --> 00:41:28,730
- So, I guess this orgy
just got kick started.
706
00:41:28,730 --> 00:41:30,830
I, I thought we were gonna ease into this?
707
00:41:31,980 --> 00:41:33,933
- Well, we were.
708
00:41:38,797 --> 00:41:41,110
- Hey, hey, sweetie, are you okay?
709
00:41:41,110 --> 00:41:43,500
If you're getting cold
feet we can just go to bed.
710
00:41:43,500 --> 00:41:45,020
- No.
711
00:41:45,020 --> 00:41:45,853
I don't know.
712
00:41:48,620 --> 00:41:51,330
I just don't wanna be a stick in the mud.
713
00:41:51,330 --> 00:41:54,380
- That's actually my favorite position.
714
00:41:54,380 --> 00:41:55,627
- Shut up, we're having a moment.
715
00:41:55,627 --> 00:41:56,840
- Okay.
716
00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:58,690
- It's actually my favorite
position too, though.
717
00:41:58,690 --> 00:41:59,880
Recommend.
718
00:41:59,880 --> 00:42:02,613
- No, we'll just, we'll hang out here.
719
00:42:03,710 --> 00:42:08,020
It's a safe place and nobody knows but us.
720
00:42:08,020 --> 00:42:11,789
And honestly, we could not
possibly be more isolated.
721
00:42:11,789 --> 00:42:15,380
(slow knocking on door)
722
00:42:15,380 --> 00:42:16,530
- Jesus, what the fuck?
723
00:42:17,410 --> 00:42:19,660
Did one of you assholes
invite somebody else?
724
00:42:19,660 --> 00:42:20,595
- No.
725
00:42:20,595 --> 00:42:21,932
- Oh my god.
726
00:42:21,932 --> 00:42:23,200
Oh my god.
727
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:25,060
Is it cross-eyed Randy from Jiffy Lube?
728
00:42:25,060 --> 00:42:27,393
Oh my god, no.
- Obviously not.
729
00:42:27,393 --> 00:42:28,226
I don't know who it is.
730
00:42:28,226 --> 00:42:29,263
Hold on a second.
731
00:42:37,312 --> 00:42:38,937
(suction popping)
732
00:42:47,243 --> 00:42:50,943
God damn teenagers, why
are they even out here?
733
00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:52,568
- Do you think it was the pizza boy?
734
00:42:52,568 --> 00:42:55,874
(ominous music)
735
00:42:55,874 --> 00:42:57,910
- No, I think it was the pizza boy.
736
00:42:57,910 --> 00:42:58,890
- Oh my god.
- Oh my god.
737
00:42:58,890 --> 00:42:59,890
- Oh my god.
738
00:43:01,342 --> 00:43:02,860
- What are we gonna do?
739
00:43:02,860 --> 00:43:03,950
What are we gonna do, Jay?
740
00:43:03,950 --> 00:43:06,310
- Don't, don't panic,
we've got the landline.
741
00:43:06,310 --> 00:43:08,310
We'll, we'll lock the
doors, we'll call the cops.
742
00:43:08,310 --> 00:43:11,099
- No, no, no, no, staying
here is a bad idea.
743
00:43:11,099 --> 00:43:12,600
I mean, who left you in charge anyway?
744
00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:13,670
- Well I just figured it was obvious,
745
00:43:13,670 --> 00:43:16,100
I mean I am the alpha
male in this situation.
746
00:43:16,100 --> 00:43:17,670
- That's absurd.
747
00:43:17,670 --> 00:43:20,010
I mean, I'm bigger and I'm stronger.
748
00:43:20,010 --> 00:43:22,380
- I'm smarter, I'm ripped,
and I'm better looking.
749
00:43:22,380 --> 00:43:24,440
- [Matt] Um, that's subjective.
750
00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:25,431
- He is right.
751
00:43:25,431 --> 00:43:27,030
- Why?
752
00:43:27,030 --> 00:43:28,300
- Look, will you both shut up
753
00:43:28,300 --> 00:43:30,780
and act like adults for 30
fucking seconds already?
754
00:43:30,780 --> 00:43:32,730
- Well I just wanna hear what
his grand alpha man plan is
755
00:43:32,730 --> 00:43:33,840
if mine's so absurd.
756
00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:36,410
- My plan is that we
get the hell outta here
757
00:43:36,410 --> 00:43:38,060
and let whoever lost their penis
758
00:43:38,060 --> 00:43:39,264
have to worry about calling the cops!
759
00:43:39,264 --> 00:43:42,345
(blood spurting)
760
00:43:42,345 --> 00:43:44,273
- [Stacy] Oh my god, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
761
00:43:44,273 --> 00:43:49,273
(suspenseful thrilling music)
(Matt grunts)
762
00:43:54,611 --> 00:43:55,567
- [Matt] Argh!
763
00:43:55,567 --> 00:43:58,840
(Matt screams)
764
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:01,423
(Matt gurgles)
765
00:44:18,264 --> 00:44:21,264
(suspenseful music)
766
00:46:03,108 --> 00:46:05,775
(door creaking)
767
00:46:17,416 --> 00:46:20,249
(heavy breathing)
768
00:47:01,138 --> 00:47:04,971
(ghoul's footsteps thudding)
769
00:48:06,055 --> 00:48:11,055
(metallic chiming)
(metallic springing)
770
00:48:32,853 --> 00:48:35,520
(ominous music)
771
00:48:59,629 --> 00:49:04,224
(ghoul grunts)
(fast paced synth music)
772
00:49:04,224 --> 00:49:06,974
(Andrea yelping)
773
00:49:18,386 --> 00:49:20,124
- [Stacy] Shit, that
fucker slashed our tires.
774
00:49:20,124 --> 00:49:21,624
- These too, fuck!
775
00:49:22,717 --> 00:49:23,550
- Did you see it?
776
00:49:23,550 --> 00:49:24,383
It wasn't human!
777
00:49:24,383 --> 00:49:26,027
It wasn't human, it wasn't human!
778
00:49:26,027 --> 00:49:28,167
- Of course it was human.
779
00:49:28,167 --> 00:49:30,556
It had to be human.
780
00:49:30,556 --> 00:49:31,389
Didn't it?
781
00:49:31,389 --> 00:49:32,246
(Andrea hyperventilating)
782
00:49:32,246 --> 00:49:34,486
- Andrea, Andrea!
783
00:49:34,486 --> 00:49:37,330
Does this have something to do
with that shit in your room?
784
00:49:37,330 --> 00:49:38,163
What was all that?
785
00:49:38,163 --> 00:49:39,700
What did you do?
786
00:49:39,700 --> 00:49:42,632
- It's a ritual, a
ceremony to raise the dead.
787
00:49:42,632 --> 00:49:43,981
- Why the fuck would you do that?!
788
00:49:43,981 --> 00:49:45,579
- Well, neither of us believe in it,
789
00:49:45,579 --> 00:49:46,781
it gets us off, all that,
790
00:49:46,781 --> 00:49:48,669
all that goth shit.
791
00:49:48,669 --> 00:49:50,809
We do it all the time when we fuck.
792
00:49:50,809 --> 00:49:52,757
(stammering) It's a joke, it's a joke!
793
00:49:52,757 --> 00:49:54,578
- Apparently, it's not.
794
00:49:54,578 --> 00:49:57,767
Jay, what are we gonna do here?
795
00:49:57,767 --> 00:49:59,610
- Best I can figure,
796
00:49:59,610 --> 00:50:01,410
if we take off on foot,
797
00:50:01,410 --> 00:50:03,307
get as far as we can until
we catch a signal some...
798
00:50:05,003 --> 00:50:06,428
Fuck.
799
00:50:06,428 --> 00:50:07,386
- [Stacy] What?
800
00:50:07,386 --> 00:50:08,219
What?!
801
00:50:08,219 --> 00:50:09,719
- The cell phones.
802
00:50:10,570 --> 00:50:11,403
- Jesus.
803
00:50:16,757 --> 00:50:18,735
- We gotta go back in and get 'em.
804
00:50:18,735 --> 00:50:20,783
- Of course we can't go
in there, he's in there!
805
00:50:20,783 --> 00:50:21,616
He'll tear us to shreds!
806
00:50:21,616 --> 00:50:23,060
- I know, I know.
- Wait, so what do we do?!
807
00:50:23,060 --> 00:50:27,893
- Will you shut the fuck up
and give me a minute to think?
808
00:50:29,630 --> 00:50:30,753
I've got an idea.
809
00:50:32,291 --> 00:50:35,041
(sinister music)
810
00:50:44,930 --> 00:50:45,763
Okay.
811
00:50:47,020 --> 00:50:48,335
Here goes nothing.
812
00:50:48,335 --> 00:50:51,335
(car alarm beeping)
813
00:50:54,506 --> 00:50:57,339
(heavy breathing)
814
00:51:05,450 --> 00:51:06,283
- See?
815
00:51:06,283 --> 00:51:07,794
Amish fucks hate technology.
816
00:51:07,794 --> 00:51:09,082
- Good one, babe.
817
00:51:09,082 --> 00:51:12,635
(hands slamming)
818
00:51:12,635 --> 00:51:16,320
- Let's go.
819
00:51:16,320 --> 00:51:19,506
(funky rock music)
820
00:51:19,506 --> 00:51:23,062
♪ I can't help it when
your eyes shine blue ♪
821
00:51:23,062 --> 00:51:26,696
♪ Sometimes I swear they're sapphires ♪
822
00:51:26,696 --> 00:51:29,920
♪ You fill my heart with feelings ♪
823
00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,753
♪ Feelings of burning desires ♪
824
00:51:32,753 --> 00:51:35,764
♪ I want you to know that I love you so ♪
825
00:51:35,764 --> 00:51:37,511
♪ Till my death takes its toll ♪
826
00:51:37,511 --> 00:51:42,238
♪ At least you know that I love ya ♪
827
00:51:42,238 --> 00:51:46,096
♪ That I love ya ♪
828
00:51:46,096 --> 00:51:48,615
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
829
00:51:48,615 --> 00:51:51,857
♪ Yeah ♪
830
00:51:51,857 --> 00:51:55,272
♪ Yeah ♪
831
00:51:55,272 --> 00:51:59,724
♪ Oh ♪
832
00:51:59,724 --> 00:52:03,019
♪ You never ever had a clue ♪
833
00:52:03,019 --> 00:52:06,405
♪ I don't think you even knew ♪
834
00:52:06,405 --> 00:52:09,744
♪ My soul is, it's melting ♪
835
00:52:09,744 --> 00:52:13,079
♪ Please listen to me,
listen to me, listen to me ♪
836
00:52:13,079 --> 00:52:16,396
♪ Won't you be mine ♪
837
00:52:16,396 --> 00:52:19,979
♪ Let our lives intertwine ♪
838
00:52:23,502 --> 00:52:27,658
(sinister music)
(snarling)
839
00:52:27,658 --> 00:52:30,491
(ghoul sniffing)
840
00:53:07,450 --> 00:53:09,139
(rock thudding)
841
00:53:09,139 --> 00:53:14,139
(sickle clinking)
(Andrea gasping)
842
00:53:18,470 --> 00:53:21,563
Okay, so I know that seems really cold.
843
00:53:22,427 --> 00:53:23,580
But in that exact moment
844
00:53:23,580 --> 00:53:26,960
I realized that I truly loved my wife,
845
00:53:26,960 --> 00:53:28,910
and I would do anything to protect her.
846
00:53:29,810 --> 00:53:31,313
Even at the expense of others.
847
00:53:39,871 --> 00:53:41,800
- I can't believe you
killed Andrea for me.
848
00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:43,000
- Can we not say killed?
849
00:53:44,306 --> 00:53:46,473
What was I supposed to do?
850
00:53:47,447 --> 00:53:48,623
I love you.
851
00:53:48,623 --> 00:53:50,043
- I love you too.
852
00:53:51,550 --> 00:53:54,665
Now let's get the fuck out of here.
853
00:53:54,665 --> 00:53:57,582
(foreboding music)
854
00:54:10,689 --> 00:54:14,764
(dull clanging)
855
00:54:19,340 --> 00:54:22,170
- Those cabin dwellers sure
picked a good one, didn't they?
856
00:54:22,170 --> 00:54:25,992
- Do you think we're the only ones left?
857
00:54:25,992 --> 00:54:27,107
- I don't know.
858
00:54:27,107 --> 00:54:30,180
I, I saw Chastity, but,
I didn't see Kevin,
859
00:54:30,180 --> 00:54:31,587
maybe he made it out.
860
00:54:35,621 --> 00:54:37,871
(bubbling)
861
00:54:45,184 --> 00:54:47,643
(Jeremy talking outside)
- The fuck is that?
862
00:54:47,643 --> 00:54:49,471
(Jeremy and Matt arguing)
What the fuck is that?
863
00:54:49,471 --> 00:54:51,719
What do you want?
864
00:54:51,719 --> 00:54:55,692
Wait, Kevin? (cries)
865
00:54:55,692 --> 00:54:56,859
Is this Kevin?
866
00:54:58,914 --> 00:55:00,809
What do you want?
867
00:55:00,809 --> 00:55:02,809
(cries)
868
00:55:03,819 --> 00:55:05,646
(chewing)
869
00:55:05,646 --> 00:55:08,646
(frightening music)
870
00:55:17,925 --> 00:55:20,795
Why are you doing this to me (cries).
871
00:55:20,795 --> 00:55:21,738
(Andrea talking outside)
872
00:55:21,738 --> 00:55:23,905
(chewing)
873
00:55:35,556 --> 00:55:36,630
Wait, what did we,
874
00:55:36,630 --> 00:55:39,883
what did we do?
(Matt talking outside)
875
00:55:39,883 --> 00:55:41,508
(sickle clinking)
876
00:55:46,860 --> 00:55:48,370
- I've got no signal.
877
00:55:48,370 --> 00:55:50,508
- I got nothing either on either of these.
878
00:55:50,508 --> 00:55:52,120
- Jeremy!
879
00:55:52,120 --> 00:55:53,063
- Get the phones!
880
00:55:57,199 --> 00:55:59,449
(sizzling)
881
00:56:06,809 --> 00:56:08,659
Did you see that?
882
00:56:08,659 --> 00:56:10,210
- What?
883
00:56:10,210 --> 00:56:12,393
- The light, from the cell
phone, it, it burned him.
884
00:56:12,393 --> 00:56:13,823
I think we can hurt him.
885
00:56:14,690 --> 00:56:16,460
- That's fantastic!
886
00:56:16,460 --> 00:56:17,670
And I think I have an idea.
887
00:56:17,670 --> 00:56:19,360
- [Jeremy] I knew I
married you for a reason,
888
00:56:19,360 --> 00:56:20,193
what do you got?
889
00:56:20,193 --> 00:56:21,930
- Okay, so, I think we
have enough cell phones
890
00:56:21,930 --> 00:56:23,403
that we could form a star.
891
00:56:25,180 --> 00:56:26,680
- Lost me,
892
00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:27,890
immediately.
893
00:56:27,890 --> 00:56:29,060
- No, listen, okay,
894
00:56:29,060 --> 00:56:31,540
so, if we could find a signal somewhere
895
00:56:31,540 --> 00:56:34,460
and form the cell phones into
a sort of pentagram shape
896
00:56:34,460 --> 00:56:35,460
or something, right?
897
00:56:35,460 --> 00:56:37,150
Then maybe we could send a group text
898
00:56:37,150 --> 00:56:38,480
and it would, I don't know,
899
00:56:38,480 --> 00:56:39,593
trap him, kill him?
900
00:56:40,940 --> 00:56:42,593
- Why would you think that would work?
901
00:56:43,762 --> 00:56:45,593
- Do you have a better idea?
902
00:56:46,460 --> 00:56:49,453
- No, I haven't got past
"don't fucking die."
903
00:56:50,788 --> 00:56:51,788
- Well then.
904
00:56:53,650 --> 00:56:56,285
- Improbable cell phone voodoo it is.
905
00:56:56,285 --> 00:56:59,785
(determined upbeat music)
906
00:57:27,988 --> 00:57:30,755
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
907
00:57:30,755 --> 00:57:32,545
Here, I got it.
908
00:57:32,545 --> 00:57:33,378
- Me too.
909
00:57:33,378 --> 00:57:36,640
- Finally, let's do this thing.
910
00:57:36,640 --> 00:57:39,307
(ominous music)
911
00:57:47,502 --> 00:57:48,830
Okay, so I'm gonna have to stay close
912
00:57:48,830 --> 00:57:50,140
if I'm gonna send the text.
913
00:57:50,140 --> 00:57:52,634
- I know, I'll lure him out.
914
00:57:52,634 --> 00:57:54,053
- Okay, be safe, sweetie.
915
00:57:55,320 --> 00:57:56,715
- Safer than sex.
916
00:57:56,715 --> 00:58:00,480
- Oh, about a 5% chance of
unwelcome complications?
917
00:58:00,480 --> 00:58:01,733
- Oh, at least.
918
00:58:04,563 --> 00:58:07,313
(sinister music)
919
00:58:10,150 --> 00:58:12,300
Okay, come on out.
920
00:58:12,300 --> 00:58:16,293
You Amish douchebag mangy
Mennonite motherfucker!
921
00:58:23,670 --> 00:58:25,570
That didn't take as long as I thought.
922
00:58:28,568 --> 00:58:31,401
(ghoul grunting)
923
00:58:33,020 --> 00:58:34,910
Any fucking time now.
924
00:58:34,910 --> 00:58:38,220
- Well it's hard to send a group
text with this many people!
925
00:58:38,220 --> 00:58:39,720
- Well you're using the iPhone,
926
00:58:39,720 --> 00:58:41,670
why don't you take one of the Androids?
927
00:58:42,960 --> 00:58:45,735
- Because I'm a fucking hipster, Jeremy.
928
00:58:45,735 --> 00:58:47,129
(suspenseful music)
929
00:58:47,129 --> 00:58:49,796
(Jeremy coughs)
930
00:58:53,631 --> 00:58:56,298
(Jeremy grunts)
931
00:59:03,388 --> 00:59:06,055
(Jeremy grunts)
932
00:59:12,370 --> 00:59:13,203
- See?
933
00:59:13,203 --> 00:59:14,470
My secret weapon.
934
00:59:14,470 --> 00:59:15,303
- I got it!
935
00:59:18,394 --> 00:59:21,061
(ghoul grunts)
936
00:59:27,657 --> 00:59:30,685
(snarling)
937
00:59:30,685 --> 00:59:33,935
(low rhythmic humming)
938
00:59:40,185 --> 00:59:41,879
(snarling)
939
00:59:41,879 --> 00:59:44,546
(blood gushing)
940
00:59:46,470 --> 00:59:47,830
Oh my god.
941
00:59:47,830 --> 00:59:48,663
Oh!
942
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:51,960
Oh my god, that's disgusting!
943
00:59:51,960 --> 00:59:54,770
- How the fuck are you still immaculate?
944
00:59:54,770 --> 00:59:56,170
- We gotta get that off you.
945
00:59:58,572 --> 01:00:00,556
- Oh.
- Ohh.
946
01:00:00,556 --> 01:00:05,556
Oh!
- Oh, god.
947
01:00:05,754 --> 01:00:06,587
Ugh!
948
01:00:07,459 --> 01:00:08,292
Ugh!
949
01:00:10,400 --> 01:00:13,900
- We should probably get those pants too.
950
01:00:13,900 --> 01:00:16,527
Just, you know, for the sake of.
951
01:00:19,300 --> 01:00:21,470
Hey, hey.
952
01:00:21,470 --> 01:00:22,967
We did it, okay?
953
01:00:22,967 --> 01:00:24,461
- Not yet we didn't.
954
01:00:24,461 --> 01:00:25,559
(Stacy laughs)
955
01:00:25,559 --> 01:00:28,809
(sexy saxophone music)
956
01:00:39,321 --> 01:00:40,937
Wait, what about a condom?
957
01:00:40,937 --> 01:00:41,770
- What's the worst that could happen?
958
01:00:41,770 --> 01:00:42,853
- Good point.
959
01:00:50,327 --> 01:00:53,690
And that is the true story
of how I saved our marriage,
960
01:00:53,690 --> 01:00:55,740
and the reason you're sitting here today.
961
01:00:57,210 --> 01:01:00,919
- You are so full of bullshit, Dad.
962
01:01:00,919 --> 01:01:02,634
- (laughs) What do you mean?
963
01:01:02,634 --> 01:01:04,140
- What do I mean?
964
01:01:04,140 --> 01:01:05,530
Where do I even start?
965
01:01:05,530 --> 01:01:08,150
You expect me to believe any of that?
966
01:01:08,150 --> 01:01:11,040
- Well, I may have embellished
here and there a little bit,
967
01:01:11,040 --> 01:01:12,513
but, it's all true.
968
01:01:15,460 --> 01:01:16,310
It's mostly true.
969
01:01:20,400 --> 01:01:21,700
A lot of it's true.
970
01:01:21,700 --> 01:01:22,763
- Uh-huh.
971
01:01:23,830 --> 01:01:24,663
- What?
972
01:01:24,663 --> 01:01:25,990
What's so hard to believe here?
973
01:01:25,990 --> 01:01:29,900
- Okay, let's forget the whole
entire revenge zombie thing,
974
01:01:29,900 --> 01:01:32,170
I'll even give you that part.
975
01:01:32,170 --> 01:01:34,110
Was he Amish or was he Mennonite?
976
01:01:34,110 --> 01:01:35,560
- Wait, there's a difference?
977
01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:39,320
- That is really insensitive, Dad.
978
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:42,061
- It was 2019, nobody knew!
979
01:01:42,061 --> 01:01:44,470
- (sighs) You are so embarrassing.
980
01:01:44,470 --> 01:01:46,770
This is why you haven't
met my girlfriend yet.
981
01:01:47,750 --> 01:01:49,550
- I haven't met your girlfriend
982
01:01:49,550 --> 01:01:52,500
because you're way too
young to have a girlfriend.
983
01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:53,900
And don't have a girlfriend.
984
01:01:54,770 --> 01:01:56,640
But see, I don't have a problem
with you having a girlfriend
985
01:01:56,640 --> 01:01:59,810
in about five years.
986
01:01:59,810 --> 01:02:04,360
- So now you want points for
not being homophobic too?
987
01:02:04,360 --> 01:02:06,020
- What? No.
988
01:02:06,020 --> 01:02:08,630
Forget it, just, just forget it.
989
01:02:08,630 --> 01:02:10,150
Was that it?
990
01:02:10,150 --> 01:02:11,810
You're upset I don't
know what denomination
991
01:02:11,810 --> 01:02:14,310
of backwards asshat the murderer was?
992
01:02:14,310 --> 01:02:15,780
- Of course that's not it.
993
01:02:15,780 --> 01:02:16,940
You want a list?
994
01:02:16,940 --> 01:02:18,620
- There's a list?
995
01:02:18,620 --> 01:02:21,540
- In order, in 200 years no one ever found
996
01:02:21,540 --> 01:02:22,860
and disposed of the body hidden
997
01:02:22,860 --> 01:02:24,530
in the basement of that cabin?
998
01:02:24,530 --> 01:02:26,730
The goth blood just
happened to drip exactly
999
01:02:26,730 --> 01:02:28,420
where the Bible was buried?
1000
01:02:28,420 --> 01:02:30,680
Why did the ghoul murder that deer?
1001
01:02:30,680 --> 01:02:32,710
Why did he leave it in the road?
1002
01:02:32,710 --> 01:02:34,650
Did he know you were coming?
1003
01:02:34,650 --> 01:02:36,610
Why is Mom such a bitch?
1004
01:02:36,610 --> 01:02:39,820
And why didn't nobody
ever get naked at an orgy?
1005
01:02:39,820 --> 01:02:41,810
- Whoa, wait, I never said it was an orgy.
1006
01:02:41,810 --> 01:02:44,790
- Ugh, you didn't have to, Dad.
1007
01:02:44,790 --> 01:02:49,520
(sighs) Why did an entire
cabin full of adults
1008
01:02:49,520 --> 01:02:51,417
think locking your cell
phones in the basement
1009
01:02:51,417 --> 01:02:52,733
was a good idea?
1010
01:02:53,709 --> 01:02:55,853
Why was there even a lockbox in the cabin?
1011
01:02:56,690 --> 01:02:58,610
Why is Mom such a bitch?
1012
01:02:58,610 --> 01:03:01,660
And how did the whole entire
pizza boy thing even work?
1013
01:03:01,660 --> 01:03:04,720
- No, that bit was verbatim,
he was a legit weirdo.
1014
01:03:04,720 --> 01:03:07,280
- I'm talking about his murder, Dad.
1015
01:03:07,280 --> 01:03:08,680
What happened to his car?
1016
01:03:08,680 --> 01:03:10,230
Did the Amish guy move it?
1017
01:03:10,230 --> 01:03:11,500
How did he know what it was?
1018
01:03:11,500 --> 01:03:13,300
How did he know how to drive?
1019
01:03:13,300 --> 01:03:16,230
And after he ripped it off, he what?
1020
01:03:16,230 --> 01:03:18,650
Went and found some lighter
fluid and some matches,
1021
01:03:18,650 --> 01:03:19,980
set the whole thing on fire,
1022
01:03:19,980 --> 01:03:22,990
knocked on the front door
and ran away to hide?
1023
01:03:22,990 --> 01:03:24,610
Why was that his plan?
1024
01:03:24,610 --> 01:03:27,690
- Um, I think he wanted
us all near the front door
1025
01:03:27,690 --> 01:03:28,523
so he could--
1026
01:03:28,523 --> 01:03:30,600
- Sneak in and kill the black guy first?
1027
01:03:30,600 --> 01:03:32,800
- Hey, he's from the 1800's.
1028
01:03:32,800 --> 01:03:34,670
Would make sense if you're
gonna murder a group of people
1029
01:03:34,670 --> 01:03:36,377
he'd do it racistly.
1030
01:03:36,377 --> 01:03:38,070
Think you're being awfully nitpicky here.
1031
01:03:38,070 --> 01:03:39,550
- That's not even all of it.
1032
01:03:39,550 --> 01:03:41,110
Back to the car thing.
1033
01:03:41,110 --> 01:03:43,660
How did a guy from the 19th century
1034
01:03:43,660 --> 01:03:46,480
know that you needed
those strange metal boxes?
1035
01:03:46,480 --> 01:03:48,520
How did he know to slash your tires?
1036
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,480
How did he know that they were full of air
1037
01:03:50,480 --> 01:03:52,060
and not just solid?
1038
01:03:52,060 --> 01:03:54,520
And then why did you all
just mosey right back
1039
01:03:54,520 --> 01:03:56,050
into the basement?
1040
01:03:56,050 --> 01:03:58,600
Why didn't you immediately
run for the road?
1041
01:03:58,600 --> 01:04:01,260
Why did you need the cell phones so badly?
1042
01:04:01,260 --> 01:04:03,780
- Well, Jessica, hindsight is 20/20.
1043
01:04:03,780 --> 01:04:07,130
- Yeah, well, apparently
dumbass is blind as fuck.
1044
01:04:07,130 --> 01:04:09,690
Why did you all have
to go to the basement?
1045
01:04:09,690 --> 01:04:12,670
- You should know how horror movies work.
1046
01:04:12,670 --> 01:04:14,420
You never split up, ever.
1047
01:04:14,420 --> 01:04:16,310
That's how people die.
1048
01:04:16,310 --> 01:04:19,030
- Well it seems to me that
you wouldn't have had to kill
1049
01:04:19,030 --> 01:04:21,290
Andrea if she didn't come
to the basement with you.
1050
01:04:21,290 --> 01:04:23,363
- Why does everyone frame it that way?
1051
01:04:25,800 --> 01:04:27,560
I saved your mother.
1052
01:04:27,560 --> 01:04:29,113
Let's just focus on that.
1053
01:04:30,110 --> 01:04:31,480
You wouldn't even be here
if I hadn't have thrown
1054
01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:32,683
that stupid little rock.
1055
01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:35,153
Probably.
1056
01:04:36,520 --> 01:04:39,300
- And so what happened to
the rest of Kevin's corpse?
1057
01:04:39,300 --> 01:04:43,280
Are you trying to tell me that
Chastity ate his entire body?
1058
01:04:43,280 --> 01:04:44,663
- Well, no.
1059
01:04:44,663 --> 01:04:47,280
- And how do you even know
that any of that part happened?
1060
01:04:47,280 --> 01:04:49,370
You were too busy
arguing with the bald one
1061
01:04:49,370 --> 01:04:50,883
about whose dick was bigger.
1062
01:04:51,830 --> 01:04:54,480
- I think I'm allowed a
little dramatic license here.
1063
01:04:54,480 --> 01:04:55,313
- How did--
1064
01:04:55,313 --> 01:04:57,020
- Oh, god, there's more.
1065
01:04:57,020 --> 01:04:59,860
- How did Mom come up
with her master plan?
1066
01:04:59,860 --> 01:05:01,713
That is beyond far-fetched.
1067
01:05:02,590 --> 01:05:04,980
- That's what I told her.
1068
01:05:04,980 --> 01:05:06,733
- And still you went along with it.
1069
01:05:08,017 --> 01:05:10,611
(sighs)
1070
01:05:10,611 --> 01:05:12,111
And why did the ghoul explode?
1071
01:05:13,070 --> 01:05:14,860
- Does it look like I
know how ghouls work?
1072
01:05:14,860 --> 01:05:17,030
- I'm not convinced you
know how anything works.
1073
01:05:17,030 --> 01:05:19,250
- Okay, why don't you
go bother your mother
1074
01:05:19,250 --> 01:05:20,300
for a little bit, huh?
1075
01:05:20,300 --> 01:05:23,851
- No way, I hate that bitch
even more than I hate you.
1076
01:05:25,347 --> 01:05:26,180
- I know you do.
1077
01:05:27,650 --> 01:05:30,940
- It's just a lot to take
in without any evidence.
1078
01:05:30,940 --> 01:05:33,550
You couldn't even be bothered
to take the magic Bible
1079
01:05:33,550 --> 01:05:36,130
to a priestess or a
demonologist or something
1080
01:05:36,130 --> 01:05:37,203
to have it examined?
1081
01:05:40,470 --> 01:05:42,120
- I don't have the Bible.
1082
01:05:42,120 --> 01:05:43,290
- What?
1083
01:05:43,290 --> 01:05:44,370
- I don't have the Bible.
1084
01:05:44,370 --> 01:05:45,480
It was covered in ghoul guts,
1085
01:05:45,480 --> 01:05:46,860
why would I keep the Bible?
1086
01:05:46,860 --> 01:05:49,990
- You left a possibly cursed Bible
1087
01:05:49,990 --> 01:05:53,820
just lying out in the woods?!
1088
01:05:53,820 --> 01:05:54,820
- So?
1089
01:05:54,820 --> 01:05:57,570
We killed the ghoul.
1090
01:05:57,570 --> 01:05:59,210
The curse is broken.
1091
01:05:59,210 --> 01:06:02,150
- I don't think you know
how curses work, Dad.
1092
01:06:02,150 --> 01:06:03,640
- And since when are you
the leading authority
1093
01:06:03,640 --> 01:06:04,573
on folk magic?
1094
01:06:05,480 --> 01:06:08,240
Maybe she does know how
horror movies really work.
1095
01:06:08,240 --> 01:06:10,580
No, no, that Bible is much safer off
1096
01:06:10,580 --> 01:06:13,070
in the middle of Elk's Ass,
Virginia than it would be here.
1097
01:06:13,070 --> 01:06:15,270
What, you think some hipster
asshole's gonna go out
1098
01:06:15,270 --> 01:06:17,640
for a spring stroll,
stumble across the sickle,
1099
01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:19,700
cut himself, and drip blood on the Bible?
1100
01:06:19,700 --> 01:06:22,595
No, no way in hell.
1101
01:06:22,595 --> 01:06:25,310
(sickle clinking)
(snarling)
1102
01:06:25,310 --> 01:06:27,977
(ominous music)
1103
01:07:02,949 --> 01:07:03,866
- The heck?
1104
01:07:17,699 --> 01:07:18,532
Ow!
1105
01:07:21,645 --> 01:07:24,395
(blood dripping)
1106
01:07:27,592 --> 01:07:30,842
(sinister synth music)
1107
01:10:05,591 --> 01:10:06,578
- Her knees were weakened
1108
01:10:06,578 --> 01:10:08,995
by the quivering of her legs.
1109
01:10:10,137 --> 01:10:11,877
His touch upset her balance.
1110
01:10:13,690 --> 01:10:16,093
A rush of pink stained her cheeks.
1111
01:10:19,420 --> 01:10:21,303
A shudder passed through her.
1112
01:10:22,710 --> 01:10:26,333
She couldn't suppress an
exclamation of admiration.
1113
01:10:28,750 --> 01:10:31,843
Their eyes locked and their
breathing came in unison.
1114
01:10:36,120 --> 01:10:39,163
She was filled with a
strange inner excitement.
1115
01:10:42,020 --> 01:10:45,643
Her breasts tingled against
the silky fabric of her blouse.
1116
01:10:48,690 --> 01:10:50,933
Her heart thumped uncomfortably.
1117
01:10:51,810 --> 01:10:54,543
A quiver surged through her veins.
1118
01:10:56,690 --> 01:10:58,993
His gaze was soft as a caress.
1119
01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:05,573
She had to fight her overwhelming
need to be close to him.
1120
01:11:09,390 --> 01:11:11,863
There was a tingling in
the pit of her stomach.
1121
01:11:13,850 --> 01:11:16,163
Her heart jolted and her pulse pounded.
1122
01:11:21,750 --> 01:11:24,543
He stoked the gently growing fire.
1123
01:11:25,880 --> 01:11:28,783
She tried to learn him by heart.
1124
01:11:32,650 --> 01:11:36,083
She was powerless to resist.
1125
01:11:40,690 --> 01:11:43,663
She felt a lurch of excitement within her.
1126
01:11:47,030 --> 01:11:49,913
Her heart ached under her breast.
1127
01:11:53,340 --> 01:11:55,243
It was a definite turn on.
1128
01:11:57,876 --> 01:12:00,543
(both laughing)
74248
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