Original subtitles

Anything?

Nope. Nobody know squat.

What the here is going on?

We haven't had any new humans to torture in, like, a week.

- I miss it. - I know.

I got so desperate this morning,

I tried flattening an eggplant.

It's just not the same.

Hey, skin tags. Special meeting.

- About what? - I don't know.

Probably your dad's stinky sack.

I hope it's not more sexual harassment training.

We just did that, and I'm already so good at it.

Whoa.

All right. We got them.

Okay, here we go!

Yeah, uh, that's not exactly what's happening here.

The Bad Place is going to be changing,

and I'm... well, I'm kind of your boss now.

He's joking, right?

I'm afraid he's not. Things are changing.

Michael and I are actually going to be...

Working together. Ugh. Oh, I hated that.

I hated saying it. Hated how it felt.

Hated all of it. Ugh.

You all have been hand-selected

to be the very first Bad Place Architects

who will learn the new system.

Why do we need a new system? Torture works.

It's the way it's always been done.

With all due respect,

"it's the way it's always been done"

is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years

to justify racism, misogyny...

Exactly. See? This chick gets it.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

_

So these computers have access

to every file for every human

currently in the Bad Place,

and the three of us have a very important job.

To find out which former U.S. presidents

were secretly gay.

- No. - Okay, fine, bi.

Sure, but also,

while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained,

we're supposed to find

the first 1,000 humans to take the test...

people who will just sail right through it

so we can build confidence in the system.

So what are the criteria? Should it be

people with the highest point totals

or overcame the greatest hardship?

I think we just start with the gimmes...

the very best people who ever lived.

So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me,

DJ Jazzy Jeff, a genie so we can wish for infinity people.

- Jason... - Sure, throw me in there, too.

Also, Fat Bastard,

the World's Most Interesting Man,

Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's,

Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive.

Feels like a good stopping point.

Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow.

- Great job, everyone. - What... Uh...

Okay, Janet's passing out the file on Tahani Al-Jamil,

who volunteered to be today's test subject.

So take a look, and then we'll get going.

They don't seem very enthused.

This may be a tougher challenge than I thought,

like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance.

The longest four years of my life.

We're uprooting the entire Bad Place system,

and these Architects are set in their ways.

It's gonna take a lot of work,

but the work is the fun part, guys.

So no matter who long it takes,

see it through and usher in a better, brighter future.

Screw this. I'm not working for a traitor.

Phil out. That's my name, Phil.

Oh, Phil, hey. Come on, buddy.

I personally chose you based on your innovative work

in the Performative Wokeness department.

Wow. Way to mansplain my own department to me.

And I'm triggered.

Oh, man. What a legend.

Ooh, who you reading about?

Me. I ruled on Earth.

I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor.

Even if the car was moving or on fire or a boat,

I still always got that gas.

Oh, man. I never thought about the fact

that we could look up our own files.

Yeah, I printed out all of ours.

I love you, okay?

Oh. The words are nice, but the tone is scary.

We're in love, and everything's great,

and if we want to keep it that way,

you have to promise to never, ever, ever read my file.

Okay. If you don't want me to, then of course I won't,

but nothing in there could ever change how I feel about you.

Eh, you say that now, but you don't know

what I did on Halloween 2013.

What did you do on Halloween 2013?

Oh, I don't remember, but it must've been bad,

because the next morning, I woke up in a large

Rubbermaid container in some family's basement,

and I had barfed all over their old photo albums.

Yeah, see, that's the look

we're trying to avoid here, bud.

I don't need to read your file.

I know you, and I love you.

And I can't wait to spend eternity with you.

I mean, obviously, we have a lot of work to do here,

and then we both have to pass the test,

but eventually we're gonna be together forever...

You have to read my file right now!

What? I'm confused. Is this a game?

Is it a sex game somehow?

I can't risk it.

What if we spend half of eternity together

and then you find out something

that does change the way you feel about me

and then you resent me for wasting half your eternity?

No, it's better we just rip the Band-Aid off,

and you read about all the bad stuff now

when we're hot and heavy.

Okay. I'll read your file.

Can I finish reading about Oskar Schindler first?

That's who I got to follow? The list guy?

You and I are so screwed, dude.

After as many attempts as it takes,

if your human passes the test and proves that

they deserve to go to the Good Place,

you'll hear this sound.

Good Place, here I come.

This new system is great.

Who do we have to thank for effortlessly implementing it?

Whoever it is, I think we can all agree

it was a home run.

It was me. Okay, bye, everyone.

Sweet Hitler's hairpiece. Is this movie finally over?

It's basically over. Just one little...

♪ It's simply the test ♪

♪ Better than other tests ♪

- I think we should stop. - Okay, so, thoughts?

Yeah. This all sounds so lame.

No, it's the current system that's lame.

It's so basic.

You get a human's file, and let's be honest,

you never even read it.

You just skip to the fears and phobias section

and use that to torture them.

Fear of snakes, throw them in a snake pit.

Worried something's gonna happen to your normal

cylindrical penis, flatten it.

This new way allows you to test

their specific psychological flaws and weaknesses.

And trust us, they have plenty.

- Hey. - Sorry.

I'm in selling mode.

Guys, this is your chance to be part

of a bold new future.

You telling me there's not one single demon

who wants to design the very first sample test

of this new system?

Oh, there is.

And she's a stone-cold fox.

Vicky, what are you doing here?

Relax. I heard about the new system,

I love it, and I want to be a part of it.

Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical,

given that you did once try to sabotage

my entire Neighborhood.

Look, after you blew me into goo,

I had a lot of time to think, while my goo was re-forming.

If things are gonna change,

then I have to change along with them.

And, sure, change can be scary, but I'm an artist...

which means it's my job to be scared.

All right, fine. Take a seat.

Janet'll give you Tahani's file.

Oh, no, I don't... I don't need her file.

I know Tahani very well...

self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall.

Typical Vicky... throwing shade.

But it doesn't matter...

'cause I'm casting it.

Because I'm closer to the Sun.

I'm tall.

Oh, no. I knew it.

You hate me now. What did it?

The time I was subpoenaed by the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

- No. - Oh, I know what it was.

In my defense, I didn't realize

he was my boyfriend's twin

until halfway into hooking up with him,

and at that point, you know, it's a sunk cost.

I don't hate you at all.

I mean, you were dealt a pretty tough hand.

You essentially had to raise yourself,

but you were still more confident and self-possessed

at 13 than I ever was.

I mean, seeing your whole life

all laid out like this, it's...

it's remarkable.

Okay, so you still love me.

You're still horny for me, blah, blah, blah.

Then what's wrong?

I'm not good enough for you.

I mean, look at my file.

It is 1/10 as long as yours

because I did nothing with my life.

Yeah, we're very different, but we already knew that.

Why are you freaking out?

You're cool, confident Chidi now, remember?

I am confident about my feelings for you.

I am also confident that I am a damn drip,

and you deserve to be with someone who's not.

Like Nicolas, that fireman that you dated back in 2009.

He rescued people from burning buildings,

and he was so hot.

Oh, Nicolas the fireman.

Mmm. Nicolas.

I can't argue with you on that one, but...

I love you.

There is no one else I want to be with...

at least not forever.

I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants to make out with me in Heaven,

then you and I are gonna have a conversation,

but if you read my file and you're good,

then we're good,

unless there's something in your file

that would freak me out,

like you kept out a library book past the due date.

I moved,

and it got buried in the bottom of a box.

I put the library in my will to make up for it.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Relax. Let's get back to work.

Now, when I press this lever,

Tahani will enter the scenario that Megan has designed

that will test her ethical decision-making.

Obviously, in the real test,

the humans won't know they're being tested,

but this should be a good practice run.

Everyone ready?

Hors d'oeuvre?

Why, yes. Thank you.

Chain saw bear!

Okay, so couple of things.

We're not using chain saw bears anymore, remember?

Right. Okay, yeah. What else?

It was mainly that one thing. Why don't you try again?

And remember, the challenges your test subject faces

should smaller and... and more relatable.

Okay.

Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.

Is it farm-raised salmon?

'Cause I prefer to support sustainable fishing.

Mondays. Am I right?

Chain saw!

You said smaller and more relatable.

The bear is smaller,

humans hate Mondays and love bacon.

What do you want from me?

Michael, can I try?

I can show them what you're trying to do.

Fine, Vicky. Go ahead.

Now, first, I need to get into Tahani's headspace.

'Ello, love.

Pish-posh. Tuna and pickles.

I once played billiards with Questlove and Olivia Munn.

Yeah, there she is.

Okay, just give me a second.

Whew.

Just finished reading up about James Buchanan.

Definitely at least a little bi.

I'm gonna put him in the maybe pile.

I want nachos.

Is there a snack bar here?

What's going on, dog?

I know you're upset. You have a tell.

- I do? - Yeah,

you "telled" Eleanor before that you were upset,

and I think you still are.

Looking at Eleanor's life

made me realize how different we are.

If the system works and we both pass our tests,

I don't see any version of eternity

where she doesn't get bored of me.

I mean, my fake heaven was a 600-square-foot apartment

that was essentially a bookcase and a toilet,

and I loved it.

So what? It's cool that you guys are so different.

Sometimes two people who have nothing in common

get together, and it rules.

- Opposites attract. - Well, you need that to be true

because you're dating Janet.

Ultimate opposites.

So, what, are you saying

Janet might get bored of me?

No, that's not... I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean...

Man... Oh, no.

No, Jason, come back. I...

I wish I were back in my toilet library.

And places.

And... action.

Can you believe we're still having this dinner for Kamilah?

So embarrassing.

She doesn't know this yet, but I heard that the reviews

for her new album are going to be dreadful.

The rumor is that the label is going to drop her.

I heard she may have to fly home coach

and check a bag, whatever that means.

Thank you, everyone,

for coming to celebrate our daughter Kamilah.

I know you're all very busy these days.

Just look at our other daughter, Tahani.

She had to come straight from the gym.

Would anyone like to say a few words of praise

about Kamilah's latest album or any other aspect of Kamilah?

There are so many to celebrate.

Perhaps Tahani should speak.

She's had her share of failures recently.

Celebrating me could be therapeutic.

Certainly. I can say something.

But I have no idea what.

Goodness, this is hard.

Well done, Vicky.

That was quite good... for the system.

For me, it was rather traumatic.

Okay, so, like, her parents were the chain saw bear,

but instead of chopping off her head,

they chopped off her self-esteem?

Yes, Megan. Good.

Take what you know about them

and then force them into moments of personal difficulty.

Think of it as flattening the penises of their heart.

Oh. Now it makes sense.

Why don't you go deeper into her file

and look for other ways to challenge her?

All right, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down here.

Vicky's example was fine.

There was some good stuff there.

But overall, uh, C-plus. It was a C-plus, I'd say.

There are some problems with it, some technical issues

that only I can see and everything.

So, basically, it actually kind of stunk.

So I think it's just best if you leave, Vicky.

This is not working. You're bad at this.

C-plus. Okay, good-bye.

Wow. Same old Michael.

Just can't share the spotlight.

- Hmm. - Well, good-bye, everyone.

That's a wrap on Vicky.

Michael, why did you fire Vicky?

Look, I know she did well on the first test,

but it's beginner's luck.

There's an X factor here...

a secret sauce that only I truly know

how to pour over

the... the juicy s-steak of this process.

I've never said this before, but... what?

Not only is Vicky good at test design,

but she's good at teaching the others.

Well, that's the problem. She's moving too fast.

We have to learn how to walk before we can run.

So, first, you thought it would take forever,

and now it's moving too fast?

First of all, you know, uh, shut up.

A-and second of all, just shut up.

It's obvious what's going on here.

You don't want your nemesis

- to be the one to solve your problem. - I know that feeling.

Once, on Earth, I didn't know something,

and I had to ask Alexa.

I felt dirty.

No, that's not it.

I'm upset, because for hundreds of years,

I've had a job.

First, it was finding a better way to torture humans,

then helping them,

then proving the system was broken,

then teaching the demons.

I have to roll a rock up a hill over and over,

and then it kept rolling down, so I had to do it again.

And then Vicky comes along with this...

like, rock-lifter thing

and just lifts it to the top of the hill.

Pushing the rock up the hill gave me a purpose.

Who am I...

if the rock's gone?

Ironically, that's exactly what Vin Diesel asked me

when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in

"The Fast and the Furious 9."

Not helpful?

Copy that.

Honestly...

Michael, I don't know what's to become of you...

or any of us.

But getting Vicky back

is the best chance to make your plan work now,

so focus on that

and deal with the future in the future.

Hey.

Um...

I'm sorry I said that before, man.

No, you were right.

Janet and I are different. Maybe it can't last.

Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets.

How do you know that?

I read some books, man.

Jeez.

Uh, listen.

Maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense,

but who cares?

The relationship you have built together is wonderful.

She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.

- Do you really believe that? - Of course I do.

Sucker!

Sorry?

I got you so bad.

Dude, pretend what you just said

was what you said to you instead of to me.

And you have to listen to yourself,

because it was already in your own head

and then came out. But just put it back in your head,

and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor.

Against all odds, I know what you mean,

and I-I got to give it up.

That was... that was good.

Yeah, it was.

Chess mate.

Hey!

There she is.

Where you off to?

I have an ice-cold yoga class.

It's amazing. You pull so many muscles.

What do you want?

I-I'm sorry that I kicked you out.

I-It wasn't about you.

It was just my own insecurities getting in the way.

Will you please come back?

No.

I'm not gonna let myself be degraded by you again.

I am a strong, independent acid snake

in the skin suit of a strong, independent woman.

Listen, listen, uh...

You were the best part of my original Neighborhood.

I took you for granted, and that was wrong.

But now I want to give you the role of a lifetime.

You're going to run the whole project.

I'll give you all my plans and my notes,

but then I'll... I'll step back, and... and you'll take over.

Full creative control...

like a director.

What do you say?

Well, um...

that sounds great, but it won't work.

Everyone here hates you so much,

if you just put me in control, they'll think I'm your puppet.

I can't have any of your dingleberry stank on me.

I know.

That's why I'm not giving it to you.

You're going to take it.

Hey.

So, uh... I was being stupid.

And Jason gave me some really good advice.

Classic us.

Look, who we were on Earth

is a tiny part of who we are

and an even smaller part of who we are together.

So I'm sorry for freaking out.

But also, some day when we get to the Good Place,

I'm gonna learn to play the guitar

so you don't get bored of me.

I actually prefer drummers.

Read my file.

Sorry for the delay.

Now, for this next phase of the training...

- Stop right there. - Vicky?

I thought I got rid of you,

and now you're coming through the door unexpectedly?

That's right. I'm launching a coup.

My, my, my, we've got some history, don't we?

But I am still standing, Mikey boy.

And right now I'm taking over.

Explain what you mean for me and everyone else.

Oh, this is my training now. You're done.

And all of these demons are behind me, right, guys?

- Yep. - Yeah.

All right, Vicky, you win...

this time.

- Tahani, Janet, let's go. - Hmm.

No, but wait, wait. We're... we're still fighting.

And it's so heated that, um, it might just erupt into...

The dance battle from "West Side Story."

No, I'm... I'm too upset about the coup thing.

Hurry up, hurry up, before she starts singing.

_

Welcome. Welcome, everyone.

Come on in.

Good Place Architects to my left,

Bad place Architects to my right.

Get your files and orientation packets.

Classes begin in 30 minutes.

Oh, also, my "Movement for Lava Monsters" class

is now full.

Aw, man.

You got the rock up the hill.

And it looks like it's gonna stay there.

Now we just have to find your next rock.

Well, the first bunch of Neighborhoods

is up and running.

What now?

That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.

Who was it? Prince? It's got to be Prince.

Honestly, if it wasn't Prince,

this whole thing is screwed up, and we got to start over.

No.

It's you guys.

For real?

The Judge agreed that the four of you

don't need to take the test.

Turns out that saving every soul

in the universe is worth a few points.

You're in.

I know, I know. It's real this time.

I promise.

Get in.

Are you coming, too?

Yeah, I figured I would.

Recently unemployed.

Might as well do some traveling.

Shall we?

Oh.

- See ya. - Bye.

Foles!

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --