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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,890 --> 00:00:08,040 Anything? 2 00:00:08,050 --> 00:00:09,560 Nope. Nobody know squat. 3 00:00:09,570 --> 00:00:11,200 What the here is going on? 4 00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:13,740 We haven't had any new humans to torture in, like, a week. 5 00:00:13,750 --> 00:00:15,240 - I miss it. - I know. 6 00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:16,340 I got so desperate this morning, 7 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,990 I tried flattening an eggplant. 8 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,160 It's just not the same. 9 00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:21,600 Hey, skin tags. Special meeting. 10 00:00:21,610 --> 00:00:23,090 - About what? - I don't know. 11 00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:25,940 Probably your dad's stinky sack. 12 00:00:27,580 --> 00:00:29,640 I hope it's not more sexual harassment training. 13 00:00:29,650 --> 00:00:33,030 We just did that, and I'm already so good at it. 14 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:34,740 Whoa. 15 00:00:34,750 --> 00:00:36,190 All right. We got them. 16 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,480 Okay, here we go! 17 00:00:38,490 --> 00:00:41,719 Yeah, uh, that's not exactly what's happening here. 18 00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:44,219 The Bad Place is going to be changing, 19 00:00:44,220 --> 00:00:47,410 and I'm... well, I'm kind of your boss now. 20 00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:49,890 He's joking, right? 21 00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:52,559 I'm afraid he's not. Things are changing. 22 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,150 Michael and I are actually going to be... 23 00:00:58,060 --> 00:01:01,890 Working together. Ugh. Oh, I hated that. 24 00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:03,390 I hated saying it. Hated how it felt. 25 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,860 Hated all of it. Ugh. 26 00:01:04,870 --> 00:01:06,239 You all have been hand-selected 27 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,209 to be the very first Bad Place Architects 28 00:01:09,210 --> 00:01:10,659 who will learn the new system. 29 00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:13,210 Why do we need a new system? Torture works. 30 00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:14,980 It's the way it's always been done. 31 00:01:14,990 --> 00:01:16,610 With all due respect, 32 00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:18,230 "it's the way it's always been done" 33 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,930 is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years 34 00:01:20,940 --> 00:01:23,280 to justify racism, misogyny... 35 00:01:23,290 --> 00:01:26,789 Exactly. See? This chick gets it. 36 00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:31,750 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 37 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:32,950 _ 38 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,500 So these computers have access 39 00:01:35,510 --> 00:01:37,229 to every file for every human 40 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,900 currently in the Bad Place, 41 00:01:38,910 --> 00:01:40,649 and the three of us have a very important job. 42 00:01:40,650 --> 00:01:42,770 To find out which former U.S. presidents 43 00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:43,949 were secretly gay. 44 00:01:43,950 --> 00:01:45,659 - No. - Okay, fine, bi. 45 00:01:45,660 --> 00:01:47,180 Sure, but also, 46 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,110 while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, 47 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,290 we're supposed to find 48 00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:52,369 the first 1,000 humans to take the test... 49 00:01:52,370 --> 00:01:54,329 people who will just sail right through it 50 00:01:54,330 --> 00:01:56,579 so we can build confidence in the system. 51 00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:58,330 So what are the criteria? Should it be 52 00:01:58,340 --> 00:02:00,030 people with the highest point totals 53 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,830 or overcame the greatest hardship? 54 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,300 I think we just start with the gimmes... 55 00:02:03,310 --> 00:02:04,910 the very best people who ever lived. 56 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:08,969 So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, 57 00:02:08,970 --> 00:02:12,679 DJ Jazzy Jeff, a genie so we can wish for infinity people. 58 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,040 - Jason... - Sure, throw me in there, too. 59 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,410 Also, Fat Bastard, 60 00:02:15,420 --> 00:02:17,040 the World's Most Interesting Man, 61 00:02:17,050 --> 00:02:19,899 Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, 62 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:23,720 Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive. 63 00:02:23,730 --> 00:02:25,819 Feels like a good stopping point. 64 00:02:25,820 --> 00:02:27,860 Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. 65 00:02:27,870 --> 00:02:30,580 - Great job, everyone. - What... Uh... 66 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:37,289 Okay, Janet's passing out the file on Tahani Al-Jamil, 67 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:39,789 who volunteered to be today's test subject. 68 00:02:39,790 --> 00:02:41,630 So take a look, and then we'll get going. 69 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,453 They don't seem very enthused. 70 00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:45,499 This may be a tougher challenge than I thought, 71 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,400 like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance. 72 00:02:48,410 --> 00:02:50,600 The longest four years of my life. 73 00:02:50,610 --> 00:02:53,770 We're uprooting the entire Bad Place system, 74 00:02:53,780 --> 00:02:56,100 and these Architects are set in their ways. 75 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:58,040 It's gonna take a lot of work, 76 00:02:58,050 --> 00:03:01,139 but the work is the fun part, guys. 77 00:03:01,140 --> 00:03:02,969 So no matter who long it takes, 78 00:03:02,970 --> 00:03:06,980 see it through and usher in a better, brighter future. 79 00:03:06,990 --> 00:03:10,320 Screw this. I'm not working for a traitor. 80 00:03:10,330 --> 00:03:13,100 Phil out. That's my name, Phil. 81 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:15,340 Oh, Phil, hey. Come on, buddy. 82 00:03:15,350 --> 00:03:18,519 I personally chose you based on your innovative work 83 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,909 in the Performative Wokeness department. 84 00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:24,100 Wow. Way to mansplain my own department to me. 85 00:03:24,110 --> 00:03:26,039 And I'm triggered. 86 00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:29,740 Oh, man. What a legend. 87 00:03:29,750 --> 00:03:31,000 Ooh, who you reading about? 88 00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:33,440 Me. I ruled on Earth. 89 00:03:33,450 --> 00:03:36,080 I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor. 90 00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:40,520 Even if the car was moving or on fire or a boat, 91 00:03:40,530 --> 00:03:42,219 I still always got that gas. 92 00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:44,350 Oh, man. I never thought about the fact 93 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,040 that we could look up our own files. 94 00:03:46,050 --> 00:03:48,190 Yeah, I printed out all of ours. 95 00:03:51,070 --> 00:03:52,690 I love you, okay? 96 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,109 Oh. The words are nice, but the tone is scary. 97 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:56,700 We're in love, and everything's great, 98 00:03:56,710 --> 00:03:58,170 and if we want to keep it that way, 99 00:03:58,180 --> 00:04:01,480 you have to promise to never, ever, ever read my file. 100 00:04:01,490 --> 00:04:04,380 Okay. If you don't want me to, then of course I won't, 101 00:04:04,390 --> 00:04:06,619 but nothing in there could ever change how I feel about you. 102 00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:09,410 Eh, you say that now, but you don't know 103 00:04:09,420 --> 00:04:11,419 what I did on Halloween 2013. 104 00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:13,249 What did you do on Halloween 2013? 105 00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:15,240 Oh, I don't remember, but it must've been bad, 106 00:04:15,250 --> 00:04:17,520 because the next morning, I woke up in a large 107 00:04:17,530 --> 00:04:19,820 Rubbermaid container in some family's basement, 108 00:04:19,830 --> 00:04:21,920 and I had barfed all over their old photo albums. 109 00:04:21,930 --> 00:04:24,049 Yeah, see, that's the look 110 00:04:24,050 --> 00:04:25,660 we're trying to avoid here, bud. 111 00:04:25,670 --> 00:04:27,469 I don't need to read your file. 112 00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:30,280 I know you, and I love you. 113 00:04:30,290 --> 00:04:34,229 And I can't wait to spend eternity with you. 114 00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:37,940 I mean, obviously, we have a lot of work to do here, 115 00:04:37,950 --> 00:04:39,570 and then we both have to pass the test, 116 00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,380 but eventually we're gonna be together forever... 117 00:04:41,390 --> 00:04:42,449 You have to read my file right now! 118 00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:44,900 What? I'm confused. Is this a game? 119 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:47,650 Is it a sex game somehow? 120 00:04:47,660 --> 00:04:48,909 I can't risk it. 121 00:04:48,910 --> 00:04:51,340 What if we spend half of eternity together 122 00:04:51,350 --> 00:04:53,060 and then you find out something 123 00:04:53,070 --> 00:04:54,669 that does change the way you feel about me 124 00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:58,360 and then you resent me for wasting half your eternity? 125 00:04:58,370 --> 00:05:00,730 No, it's better we just rip the Band-Aid off, 126 00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:02,490 and you read about all the bad stuff now 127 00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:03,630 when we're hot and heavy. 128 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:04,969 Okay. I'll read your file. 129 00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:07,700 Can I finish reading about Oskar Schindler first? 130 00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:10,389 That's who I got to follow? The list guy? 131 00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:13,019 You and I are so screwed, dude. 132 00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:14,710 After as many attempts as it takes, 133 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,810 if your human passes the test and proves that 134 00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:18,320 they deserve to go to the Good Place, 135 00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:19,680 you'll hear this sound. 136 00:05:19,690 --> 00:05:22,220 Good Place, here I come. 137 00:05:22,230 --> 00:05:23,820 This new system is great. 138 00:05:23,830 --> 00:05:27,790 Who do we have to thank for effortlessly implementing it? 139 00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,800 Whoever it is, I think we can all agree 140 00:05:29,810 --> 00:05:30,850 it was a home run. 141 00:05:30,860 --> 00:05:34,110 It was me. Okay, bye, everyone. 142 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,480 Sweet Hitler's hairpiece. Is this movie finally over? 143 00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:39,669 It's basically over. Just one little... 144 00:05:39,670 --> 00:05:41,690 ♪ It's simply the test ♪ 145 00:05:44,830 --> 00:05:48,800 ♪ Better than other tests ♪ 146 00:05:48,810 --> 00:05:51,060 - I think we should stop. - Okay, so, thoughts? 147 00:05:51,070 --> 00:05:54,240 Yeah. This all sounds so lame. 148 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:57,040 No, it's the current system that's lame. 149 00:05:57,050 --> 00:05:58,439 It's so basic. 150 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,760 You get a human's file, and let's be honest, 151 00:06:00,770 --> 00:06:01,920 you never even read it. 152 00:06:01,930 --> 00:06:04,620 You just skip to the fears and phobias section 153 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,069 and use that to torture them. 154 00:06:06,070 --> 00:06:08,570 Fear of snakes, throw them in a snake pit. 155 00:06:08,580 --> 00:06:10,720 Worried something's gonna happen to your normal 156 00:06:10,730 --> 00:06:13,079 cylindrical penis, flatten it. 157 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,289 This new way allows you to test 158 00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:18,510 their specific psychological flaws and weaknesses. 159 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,999 And trust us, they have plenty. 160 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,120 - Hey. - Sorry. 161 00:06:22,130 --> 00:06:23,320 I'm in selling mode. 162 00:06:23,330 --> 00:06:25,050 Guys, this is your chance to be part 163 00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:26,759 of a bold new future. 164 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,780 You telling me there's not one single demon 165 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:32,760 who wants to design the very first sample test 166 00:06:32,770 --> 00:06:34,180 of this new system? 167 00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:35,720 Oh, there is. 168 00:06:35,730 --> 00:06:38,310 And she's a stone-cold fox. 169 00:06:43,580 --> 00:06:45,780 Vicky, what are you doing here? 170 00:06:45,790 --> 00:06:47,869 Relax. I heard about the new system, 171 00:06:47,870 --> 00:06:49,949 I love it, and I want to be a part of it. 172 00:06:49,950 --> 00:06:52,060 Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical, 173 00:06:52,070 --> 00:06:54,290 given that you did once try to sabotage 174 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,900 my entire Neighborhood. 175 00:06:55,910 --> 00:06:57,579 Look, after you blew me into goo, 176 00:06:57,580 --> 00:07:00,169 I had a lot of time to think, while my goo was re-forming. 177 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,520 If things are gonna change, 178 00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:03,880 then I have to change along with them. 179 00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:08,220 And, sure, change can be scary, but I'm an artist... 180 00:07:08,230 --> 00:07:11,719 which means it's my job to be scared. 181 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,000 All right, fine. Take a seat. 182 00:07:14,010 --> 00:07:15,970 Janet'll give you Tahani's file. 183 00:07:15,980 --> 00:07:17,349 Oh, no, I don't... I don't need her file. 184 00:07:17,350 --> 00:07:19,189 I know Tahani very well... 185 00:07:19,190 --> 00:07:22,520 self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall. 186 00:07:22,530 --> 00:07:24,420 Typical Vicky... throwing shade. 187 00:07:24,430 --> 00:07:26,260 But it doesn't matter... 188 00:07:26,270 --> 00:07:27,490 'cause I'm casting it. 189 00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:31,000 Because I'm closer to the Sun. 190 00:07:31,010 --> 00:07:32,230 I'm tall. 191 00:07:35,050 --> 00:07:36,620 Oh, no. I knew it. 192 00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:38,220 You hate me now. What did it? 193 00:07:38,230 --> 00:07:40,499 The time I was subpoenaed by the Make-A-Wish Foundation? 194 00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:42,869 - No. - Oh, I know what it was. 195 00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:44,500 In my defense, I didn't realize 196 00:07:44,510 --> 00:07:45,660 he was my boyfriend's twin 197 00:07:45,670 --> 00:07:47,459 until halfway into hooking up with him, 198 00:07:47,460 --> 00:07:49,800 and at that point, you know, it's a sunk cost. 199 00:07:49,810 --> 00:07:51,130 I don't hate you at all. 200 00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:52,940 I mean, you were dealt a pretty tough hand. 201 00:07:52,950 --> 00:07:54,840 You essentially had to raise yourself, 202 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:58,040 but you were still more confident and self-possessed 203 00:07:58,050 --> 00:07:59,349 at 13 than I ever was. 204 00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:00,640 I mean, seeing your whole life 205 00:08:00,650 --> 00:08:04,210 all laid out like this, it's... 206 00:08:04,220 --> 00:08:05,350 it's remarkable. 207 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,980 Okay, so you still love me. 208 00:08:07,990 --> 00:08:10,660 You're still horny for me, blah, blah, blah. 209 00:08:10,670 --> 00:08:12,159 Then what's wrong? 210 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,909 I'm not good enough for you. 211 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:15,570 I mean, look at my file. 212 00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:18,140 It is 1/10 as long as yours 213 00:08:18,150 --> 00:08:19,980 because I did nothing with my life. 214 00:08:19,990 --> 00:08:22,860 Yeah, we're very different, but we already knew that. 215 00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,300 Why are you freaking out? 216 00:08:24,310 --> 00:08:26,400 You're cool, confident Chidi now, remember? 217 00:08:26,410 --> 00:08:28,740 I am confident about my feelings for you. 218 00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:32,440 I am also confident that I am a damn drip, 219 00:08:32,450 --> 00:08:34,889 and you deserve to be with someone who's not. 220 00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:38,059 Like Nicolas, that fireman that you dated back in 2009. 221 00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,880 He rescued people from burning buildings, 222 00:08:39,890 --> 00:08:41,680 and he was so hot. 223 00:08:41,690 --> 00:08:44,920 Oh, Nicolas the fireman. 224 00:08:44,930 --> 00:08:48,219 Mmm. Nicolas. 225 00:08:48,220 --> 00:08:50,405 I can't argue with you on that one, but... 226 00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:52,819 I love you. 227 00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:55,529 There is no one else I want to be with... 228 00:08:55,530 --> 00:08:57,140 at least not forever. 229 00:08:57,150 --> 00:08:59,770 I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants to make out with me in Heaven, 230 00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:01,330 then you and I are gonna have a conversation, 231 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:04,620 but if you read my file and you're good, 232 00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:05,959 then we're good, 233 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,500 unless there's something in your file 234 00:09:07,510 --> 00:09:08,510 that would freak me out, 235 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,780 like you kept out a library book past the due date. 236 00:09:10,790 --> 00:09:12,330 I moved, 237 00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:13,660 and it got buried in the bottom of a box. 238 00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:15,280 I put the library in my will to make up for it. 239 00:09:15,290 --> 00:09:16,549 No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. 240 00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:19,140 Relax. Let's get back to work. 241 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,800 Now, when I press this lever, 242 00:09:23,810 --> 00:09:27,800 Tahani will enter the scenario that Megan has designed 243 00:09:27,810 --> 00:09:30,359 that will test her ethical decision-making. 244 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,360 Obviously, in the real test, 245 00:09:32,370 --> 00:09:34,069 the humans won't know they're being tested, 246 00:09:34,070 --> 00:09:36,610 but this should be a good practice run. 247 00:09:36,620 --> 00:09:38,030 Everyone ready? 248 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:43,539 Hors d'oeuvre? 249 00:09:43,540 --> 00:09:45,580 Why, yes. Thank you. 250 00:09:45,590 --> 00:09:47,580 Chain saw bear! 251 00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:51,959 Okay, so couple of things. 252 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:55,339 We're not using chain saw bears anymore, remember? 253 00:09:55,340 --> 00:09:58,210 Right. Okay, yeah. What else? 254 00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:01,570 It was mainly that one thing. Why don't you try again? 255 00:10:01,580 --> 00:10:05,220 And remember, the challenges your test subject faces 256 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:08,059 should smaller and... and more relatable. 257 00:10:08,060 --> 00:10:10,190 Okay. 258 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,859 Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités. 259 00:10:12,860 --> 00:10:14,170 Is it farm-raised salmon? 260 00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:16,360 'Cause I prefer to support sustainable fishing. 261 00:10:16,370 --> 00:10:19,080 Mondays. Am I right? 262 00:10:19,090 --> 00:10:20,100 Chain saw! 263 00:10:21,090 --> 00:10:23,240 You said smaller and more relatable. 264 00:10:23,250 --> 00:10:24,690 The bear is smaller, 265 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,820 humans hate Mondays and love bacon. 266 00:10:26,830 --> 00:10:28,329 What do you want from me? 267 00:10:28,330 --> 00:10:30,499 Michael, can I try? 268 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:31,919 I can show them what you're trying to do. 269 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,330 Fine, Vicky. Go ahead. 270 00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:37,880 Now, first, I need to get into Tahani's headspace. 271 00:10:37,890 --> 00:10:39,764 'Ello, love. 272 00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:41,800 Pish-posh. Tuna and pickles. 273 00:10:41,810 --> 00:10:46,140 I once played billiards with Questlove and Olivia Munn. 274 00:10:46,150 --> 00:10:47,540 Yeah, there she is. 275 00:10:47,550 --> 00:10:49,939 Okay, just give me a second. 276 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,310 Whew. 277 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,550 Just finished reading up about James Buchanan. 278 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,600 Definitely at least a little bi. 279 00:10:57,610 --> 00:10:59,779 I'm gonna put him in the maybe pile. 280 00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:01,529 I want nachos. 281 00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:03,220 Is there a snack bar here? 282 00:11:04,390 --> 00:11:05,589 What's going on, dog? 283 00:11:05,590 --> 00:11:07,240 I know you're upset. You have a tell. 284 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,740 - I do? - Yeah, 285 00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:10,780 you "telled" Eleanor before that you were upset, 286 00:11:10,790 --> 00:11:12,249 and I think you still are. 287 00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:14,080 Looking at Eleanor's life 288 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:15,839 made me realize how different we are. 289 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,970 If the system works and we both pass our tests, 290 00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:21,620 I don't see any version of eternity 291 00:11:21,630 --> 00:11:23,040 where she doesn't get bored of me. 292 00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:25,850 I mean, my fake heaven was a 600-square-foot apartment 293 00:11:25,860 --> 00:11:28,350 that was essentially a bookcase and a toilet, 294 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:29,920 and I loved it. 295 00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:33,020 So what? It's cool that you guys are so different. 296 00:11:33,030 --> 00:11:35,420 Sometimes two people who have nothing in common 297 00:11:35,430 --> 00:11:37,489 get together, and it rules. 298 00:11:37,490 --> 00:11:39,600 - Opposites attract. - Well, you need that to be true 299 00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:42,240 because you're dating Janet. 300 00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:43,779 Ultimate opposites. 301 00:11:43,780 --> 00:11:46,430 So, what, are you saying 302 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:47,980 Janet might get bored of me? 303 00:11:47,990 --> 00:11:50,709 No, that's not... I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean... 304 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,440 Man... Oh, no. 305 00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:55,000 No, Jason, come back. I... 306 00:11:56,920 --> 00:12:00,050 I wish I were back in my toilet library. 307 00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:02,580 And places. 308 00:12:02,590 --> 00:12:04,880 And... action. 309 00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:10,979 Can you believe we're still having this dinner for Kamilah? 310 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,360 So embarrassing. 311 00:12:12,370 --> 00:12:14,800 She doesn't know this yet, but I heard that the reviews 312 00:12:14,810 --> 00:12:16,850 for her new album are going to be dreadful. 313 00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:19,200 The rumor is that the label is going to drop her. 314 00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:21,550 I heard she may have to fly home coach 315 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,150 and check a bag, whatever that means. 316 00:12:25,170 --> 00:12:26,489 Thank you, everyone, 317 00:12:26,490 --> 00:12:29,499 for coming to celebrate our daughter Kamilah. 318 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,119 I know you're all very busy these days. 319 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,910 Just look at our other daughter, Tahani. 320 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,879 She had to come straight from the gym. 321 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,140 Would anyone like to say a few words of praise 322 00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:43,339 about Kamilah's latest album or any other aspect of Kamilah? 323 00:12:43,340 --> 00:12:45,590 There are so many to celebrate. 324 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,469 Perhaps Tahani should speak. 325 00:12:47,470 --> 00:12:49,389 She's had her share of failures recently. 326 00:12:49,390 --> 00:12:52,099 Celebrating me could be therapeutic. 327 00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:55,770 Certainly. I can say something. 328 00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:58,810 But I have no idea what. 329 00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,940 Goodness, this is hard. 330 00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,480 Well done, Vicky. 331 00:13:05,490 --> 00:13:07,140 That was quite good... for the system. 332 00:13:07,150 --> 00:13:08,600 For me, it was rather traumatic. 333 00:13:08,610 --> 00:13:11,290 Okay, so, like, her parents were the chain saw bear, 334 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:13,040 but instead of chopping off her head, 335 00:13:13,050 --> 00:13:14,980 they chopped off her self-esteem? 336 00:13:14,990 --> 00:13:16,980 Yes, Megan. Good. 337 00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:18,499 Take what you know about them 338 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:21,049 and then force them into moments of personal difficulty. 339 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:25,130 Think of it as flattening the penises of their heart. 340 00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:27,100 Oh. Now it makes sense. 341 00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:29,100 Why don't you go deeper into her file 342 00:13:29,110 --> 00:13:31,099 and look for other ways to challenge her? 343 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:33,570 All right, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down here. 344 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,979 Vicky's example was fine. 345 00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:38,060 There was some good stuff there. 346 00:13:38,070 --> 00:13:42,060 But overall, uh, C-plus. It was a C-plus, I'd say. 347 00:13:42,070 --> 00:13:44,620 There are some problems with it, some technical issues 348 00:13:44,630 --> 00:13:46,200 that only I can see and everything. 349 00:13:46,210 --> 00:13:48,960 So, basically, it actually kind of stunk. 350 00:13:48,970 --> 00:13:51,440 So I think it's just best if you leave, Vicky. 351 00:13:51,450 --> 00:13:53,360 This is not working. You're bad at this. 352 00:13:53,370 --> 00:13:55,120 C-plus. Okay, good-bye. 353 00:13:55,130 --> 00:13:57,240 Wow. Same old Michael. 354 00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:58,919 Just can't share the spotlight. 355 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,499 - Hmm. - Well, good-bye, everyone. 356 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:02,258 That's a wrap on Vicky. 357 00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:11,719 Michael, why did you fire Vicky? 358 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,830 Look, I know she did well on the first test, 359 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,200 but it's beginner's luck. 360 00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:18,700 There's an X factor here... 361 00:14:18,710 --> 00:14:21,330 a secret sauce that only I truly know 362 00:14:21,340 --> 00:14:23,310 how to pour over 363 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,609 the... the juicy s-steak of this process. 364 00:14:26,610 --> 00:14:28,949 I've never said this before, but... what? 365 00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:30,770 Not only is Vicky good at test design, 366 00:14:30,780 --> 00:14:32,130 but she's good at teaching the others. 367 00:14:32,140 --> 00:14:34,370 Well, that's the problem. She's moving too fast. 368 00:14:34,380 --> 00:14:36,170 We have to learn how to walk before we can run. 369 00:14:36,180 --> 00:14:37,520 So, first, you thought it would take forever, 370 00:14:37,530 --> 00:14:38,960 and now it's moving too fast? 371 00:14:38,970 --> 00:14:41,289 First of all, you know, uh, shut up. 372 00:14:41,290 --> 00:14:43,419 A-and second of all, just shut up. 373 00:14:43,420 --> 00:14:45,709 It's obvious what's going on here. 374 00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,530 You don't want your nemesis 375 00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:50,089 - to be the one to solve your problem. - I know that feeling. 376 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,719 Once, on Earth, I didn't know something, 377 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,840 and I had to ask Alexa. 378 00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:54,890 I felt dirty. 379 00:14:56,220 --> 00:14:58,139 No, that's not it. 380 00:14:59,890 --> 00:15:03,290 I'm upset, because for hundreds of years, 381 00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:04,769 I've had a job. 382 00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:08,050 First, it was finding a better way to torture humans, 383 00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:09,260 then helping them, 384 00:15:09,270 --> 00:15:11,820 then proving the system was broken, 385 00:15:11,830 --> 00:15:13,560 then teaching the demons. 386 00:15:13,570 --> 00:15:17,829 I have to roll a rock up a hill over and over, 387 00:15:17,830 --> 00:15:20,829 and then it kept rolling down, so I had to do it again. 388 00:15:20,830 --> 00:15:23,950 And then Vicky comes along with this... 389 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,570 like, rock-lifter thing 390 00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:29,210 and just lifts it to the top of the hill. 391 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:32,509 Pushing the rock up the hill gave me a purpose. 392 00:15:32,510 --> 00:15:34,970 Who am I... 393 00:15:34,980 --> 00:15:37,130 if the rock's gone? 394 00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:40,550 Ironically, that's exactly what Vin Diesel asked me 395 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,350 when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in 396 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,020 "The Fast and the Furious 9." 397 00:15:44,930 --> 00:15:46,610 Not helpful? 398 00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:47,930 Copy that. 399 00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:49,490 Honestly... 400 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,569 Michael, I don't know what's to become of you... 401 00:15:51,570 --> 00:15:52,930 or any of us. 402 00:15:52,940 --> 00:15:54,770 But getting Vicky back 403 00:15:54,780 --> 00:15:56,659 is the best chance to make your plan work now, 404 00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:58,150 so focus on that 405 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,580 and deal with the future in the future. 406 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,650 Hey. 407 00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:06,110 Um... 408 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,590 I'm sorry I said that before, man. 409 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,879 No, you were right. 410 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:16,300 Janet and I are different. Maybe it can't last. 411 00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,889 Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets. 412 00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:20,010 How do you know that? 413 00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:22,260 I read some books, man. 414 00:16:22,270 --> 00:16:23,349 Jeez. 415 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:26,070 Uh, listen. 416 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:29,150 Maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, 417 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:30,359 but who cares? 418 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:33,810 The relationship you have built together is wonderful. 419 00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:37,310 She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters. 420 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,329 - Do you really believe that? - Of course I do. 421 00:16:40,330 --> 00:16:42,620 Sucker! 422 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:44,740 Sorry? 423 00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:46,230 I got you so bad. 424 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,120 Dude, pretend what you just said 425 00:16:48,130 --> 00:16:50,259 was what you said to you instead of to me. 426 00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:51,950 And you have to listen to yourself, 427 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,950 because it was already in your own head 428 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,600 and then came out. But just put it back in your head, 429 00:16:56,610 --> 00:17:01,559 and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor. 430 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:05,340 Against all odds, I know what you mean, 431 00:17:05,350 --> 00:17:07,640 and I-I got to give it up. 432 00:17:07,650 --> 00:17:09,570 That was... that was good. 433 00:17:09,580 --> 00:17:10,890 Yeah, it was. 434 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:12,810 Chess mate. 435 00:17:18,190 --> 00:17:19,320 Hey! 436 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:20,780 There she is. 437 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,330 Where you off to? 438 00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:25,159 I have an ice-cold yoga class. 439 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,329 It's amazing. You pull so many muscles. 440 00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:29,499 What do you want? 441 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:32,839 I-I'm sorry that I kicked you out. 442 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,330 I-It wasn't about you. 443 00:17:34,340 --> 00:17:38,200 It was just my own insecurities getting in the way. 444 00:17:38,210 --> 00:17:39,719 Will you please come back? 445 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,599 No. 446 00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:44,380 I'm not gonna let myself be degraded by you again. 447 00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:47,180 I am a strong, independent acid snake 448 00:17:47,190 --> 00:17:50,100 in the skin suit of a strong, independent woman. 449 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:53,149 Listen, listen, uh... 450 00:17:53,150 --> 00:17:55,779 You were the best part of my original Neighborhood. 451 00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:58,310 I took you for granted, and that was wrong. 452 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:02,150 But now I want to give you the role of a lifetime. 453 00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:05,730 You're going to run the whole project. 454 00:18:05,740 --> 00:18:08,250 I'll give you all my plans and my notes, 455 00:18:08,260 --> 00:18:11,039 but then I'll... I'll step back, and... and you'll take over. 456 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,870 Full creative control... 457 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,070 like a director. 458 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:16,410 What do you say? 459 00:18:16,420 --> 00:18:18,440 Well, um... 460 00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:20,580 that sounds great, but it won't work. 461 00:18:20,590 --> 00:18:22,410 Everyone here hates you so much, 462 00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:25,260 if you just put me in control, they'll think I'm your puppet. 463 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,390 I can't have any of your dingleberry stank on me. 464 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,490 I know. 465 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:31,750 That's why I'm not giving it to you. 466 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:33,440 You're going to take it. 467 00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:36,060 Hey. 468 00:18:36,070 --> 00:18:38,970 So, uh... I was being stupid. 469 00:18:38,980 --> 00:18:42,790 And Jason gave me some really good advice. 470 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,190 Classic us. 471 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:47,070 Look, who we were on Earth 472 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,880 is a tiny part of who we are 473 00:18:49,890 --> 00:18:52,959 and an even smaller part of who we are together. 474 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,010 So I'm sorry for freaking out. 475 00:18:55,020 --> 00:18:57,780 But also, some day when we get to the Good Place, 476 00:18:57,790 --> 00:18:59,100 I'm gonna learn to play the guitar 477 00:18:59,110 --> 00:19:00,723 so you don't get bored of me. 478 00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:02,840 I actually prefer drummers. 479 00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:05,120 Read my file. 480 00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:11,170 Sorry for the delay. 481 00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:13,470 Now, for this next phase of the training... 482 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,390 - Stop right there. - Vicky? 483 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,970 I thought I got rid of you, 484 00:19:16,980 --> 00:19:20,069 and now you're coming through the door unexpectedly? 485 00:19:20,070 --> 00:19:22,400 That's right. I'm launching a coup. 486 00:19:22,410 --> 00:19:26,039 My, my, my, we've got some history, don't we? 487 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,490 But I am still standing, Mikey boy. 488 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,660 And right now I'm taking over. 489 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,919 Explain what you mean for me and everyone else. 490 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,214 Oh, this is my training now. You're done. 491 00:19:36,215 --> 00:19:38,500 And all of these demons are behind me, right, guys? 492 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,510 - Yep. - Yeah. 493 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,720 All right, Vicky, you win... 494 00:19:41,730 --> 00:19:42,889 this time. 495 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:44,639 - Tahani, Janet, let's go. - Hmm. 496 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,479 No, but wait, wait. We're... we're still fighting. 497 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:51,230 And it's so heated that, um, it might just erupt into... 498 00:19:52,310 --> 00:19:54,319 The dance battle from "West Side Story." 499 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,539 No, I'm... I'm too upset about the coup thing. 500 00:19:57,540 --> 00:20:00,491 Hurry up, hurry up, before she starts singing. 501 00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:01,590 _ 502 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,400 Welcome. Welcome, everyone. 503 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:04,410 Come on in. 504 00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,500 Good Place Architects to my left, 505 00:20:06,510 --> 00:20:08,413 Bad place Architects to my right. 506 00:20:08,414 --> 00:20:10,610 Get your files and orientation packets. 507 00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:13,296 Classes begin in 30 minutes. 508 00:20:15,990 --> 00:20:19,160 Oh, also, my "Movement for Lava Monsters" class 509 00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:20,420 is now full. 510 00:20:20,430 --> 00:20:22,339 Aw, man. 511 00:20:22,340 --> 00:20:24,550 You got the rock up the hill. 512 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,960 And it looks like it's gonna stay there. 513 00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:28,850 Now we just have to find your next rock. 514 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,339 Well, the first bunch of Neighborhoods 515 00:20:31,340 --> 00:20:32,353 is up and running. 516 00:20:32,354 --> 00:20:34,109 What now? 517 00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:36,774 That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place. 518 00:20:36,775 --> 00:20:39,189 Who was it? Prince? It's got to be Prince. 519 00:20:39,190 --> 00:20:40,510 Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, 520 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,390 this whole thing is screwed up, and we got to start over. 521 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,270 No. 522 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,535 It's you guys. 523 00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:47,579 For real? 524 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,330 The Judge agreed that the four of you 525 00:20:49,340 --> 00:20:50,920 don't need to take the test. 526 00:20:50,930 --> 00:20:53,740 Turns out that saving every soul 527 00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:56,380 in the universe is worth a few points. 528 00:20:56,390 --> 00:20:57,420 You're in. 529 00:21:06,330 --> 00:21:08,950 I know, I know. It's real this time. 530 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,180 I promise. 531 00:21:11,940 --> 00:21:13,770 Get in. 532 00:21:13,780 --> 00:21:14,941 Are you coming, too? 533 00:21:14,942 --> 00:21:17,260 Yeah, I figured I would. 534 00:21:17,270 --> 00:21:18,750 Recently unemployed. 535 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,660 Might as well do some traveling. 536 00:21:20,670 --> 00:21:21,823 Shall we? 537 00:21:26,780 --> 00:21:27,940 Oh. 538 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,820 - See ya. - Bye. 539 00:21:31,830 --> 00:21:34,150 Foles! 540 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:38,160 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 39679

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