Original subtitles

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

No!

Stop him! He held up the bank!

He slugged me.

Hold it.

This man's dead. What happened?

He's a bank robber.

He slugged the teller as he was making off-

Doesn't seem to have gotten away

with much of a haul, does he?

I can't help that.

He was running out of the bank,

the teller at his heels screaming bloody murder.

What teller? The one that-

Came running out of this bank, you say?

Yeah, that bank.

No, no, please!

No, don't hit me again.

Please, don't hit me again.

Somebody, help me please!

Oh, for shame.

Raising a hand to the man of the cloth.

But I didn't, ma'am.

He didn't? All of a sudden, for no reason at all-

You ought to be horsewhipped.

No, no, dear lady,

let us rather heed the words of the gospel-

Be not overcome of evil,

but overcome evil with good.

Peace to you, my misguided brother.

He grabbed the poor parson,

slammed him up against the side of the elevator, and started-

Why don't you tell the truth, huh?

Jim!

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Turn him loose, Jim.

Colonel, I don't know what this is all-

I said turn him loose.

If, ladies and gentlemen,

I say, if you have been angered,

frightened, or even amused

by what you have just seen here,

if, in short, you have been caught up

by this brief excerpt from our little play,

then I am sure you will certainly want to see

the rest of Fabian Replogle's

gripping new play,

Because She's Your Sister, Son.

Currently showing all this week

at the Haymarket Theater.

You will laugh with a tear in your eye.

You will cry with a smile in your heart

over this tender love-drama

woven around a million stories

of happy family life.

Remember, the Haymarket all this week.

Thank you for your attention.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, now, back to the serious business

of ordering a wine.

Artie, I was just explaining to the colonel

how I didn't rough up the preacher.

You don't have to explain that to me, Jim.

Oh, Eau de Juvnal.

A sunny, good-natured burgundy-

I didn't so much as lay a finger on him.

At ease, Jim.

Now, I suggested this dinner so we could talk unofficially.

About my behavior the last couple of weeks, right, colonel?

Come on, Jim, stop it.

Well, that is right, isn't it?

Yes, decidedly.

Excuse me, gentlemen, but your wine list.

Well, I accidentally dropped it.

Well, let's see... Eau de Juvnal

because we're in such a sunny, good-natured mood.

As I was saying, there was an incident a few weeks ago

and I started receiving gifts.

As if someone was making a payment for favors granted,

only the department never bought that for a moment.

Oh, well, I'm touched, colonel.

And then there was those anonymous letters

about me welshing on my gambling debts.

Nobody took that seriously, Jim, and you know it.

Mm-hmm. And then I shoot in the air,

and I- I kill a bank robber who isn't a bank robber

because the bank hasn't been in operation for years.

Now stop it, Jim. That's an order.

And then tonight, I rough up a preacher

for no apparent reason!

Jim.

I'm sorry I'm late, darling,

but you know how it is shopping with mother.

No, I don't know how it is.

Oh, Jim, they're gonna think you're real-

Oh, you must be Colonel Richmond.

Crystal Fair's my name.

How do you do?

And you're Artemus Gordon.

Oh. Jim's told me so much about you.

I feel like we're old friends too.

Oh, you dog, how did you keep this one

undercover all this time?

Because I never saw this woman before in my life.

Jim. Oh, I see.

Then you still haven't forgiven me for the other night?

I said I'm sorry. Now what more can I do?

You can start by telling me what your game is,

and who put you up to it.

Oh, when you said it would never work out,

I should have believed you

instead of coming here and trying to-

Oh, Jim.

Oh, bravo.

Be ready when the curtain goes up, Miss Bernhardt.

Don't hit me again, Jim, please.

West.

As you were, mister.

Now, the next time we have matters to discuss,

it will be over an official table.

Did you gentlemen on the board come to any decision in there?

Hold it, gentlemen. Hold it.

Now, Hansbury, we've always cooperated

with the Tribune, with all of you boys.

So where the devil did you get the idea

Mr. West is on the pan?

The colonel sent us this fact sheet.

It has the time, place, and the charges.

I've never seen this before in my life.

Then Mr. West is not on the pan?

Of course he isn't. Mr. West is one of the most

highly-regarded men in the department.

Even after last night?

Oh, come on, boys, last night was just

one of those things. Youthful high spirits.

You're both young enough to still remember that, I'm sure.

Mr. West is, uh, leaving us only for a long-awaited

and a richly deserved vacation.

Ah, but it's also a special vacation.

Long-awaited, true, gentlemen,

and richly deserved.

And also, I might add, permanent,

and I'm delighted about the whole thing.

Hey, Jim, really,

that last remark wasn't called for.

Sergeant of ordnance.

Sergeant.

Well, I just-

I just fired that for effect, sergeant.

You see, the forward battery needs some reloading.

Look, general, your artillery fire

is starting to annoy the natives.

Why don't you get out of here?

Give the nice man what he wants, Lobo.

Hey, what about your drink?

Tattoo?

My luck, wouldn't you know it?

I run into the same oriental beauty.

I tell you, she has to be the eyes of that gang,

and I follow her into what turns out to be a tattoo parlor.

I knew if I turned around and walked out,

I'd arouse suspicion, so...

I wound up getting myself tattooed.

And then?

Well, then Jim came in playing the role

of busted agent to the hilt.

I tell you, colonel, you should have seen him.

Well, go on, go on.

Nothing. He wound up going into this little booth,

drew the curtain and...

Curtains, that was all.

And he never came out?

No, not through that front door he didn't. No, sir.

Well, now, I don't know what you're so happy about.

He could be at the bottom of San Francisco Bay

at this very moment.

Oh, come on, colonel.

We know whoever went to all of this trouble

to build an ornate plan to make Jim look bad

had a lot more in mind for him than that.

Yes, yes, I agree. By Godfrey. I think your plan

worked out fine this time. Thanks.

I think we really pulled the wool over the eyes of-

Of who? Who is Mr. Big?

And what operation is he cooking up

that Jim has obviously been assigned a role in?

Well, I tell you, colonel,

that's one minor detail

I haven't figured out yet.

What are you going to do about it?

I don't know.

I think I may even learn

to grow fond of it after a while.

What? Now, I'm not talking about your blasted tattoo.

I'm talking about Jim.

Now, what's our next move?

Colonel, our next move is the toughest of them all.

We just sit

and wait to hear from him.

The couch you are rising from

once sagged beneath the weight

of the queen of all the Assyrians.

May one hope that you rested as well

as that scarlet-lipped Semiramis herself.

Who are you?

Your host.

You've met Song, of course.

Several times.

Just before disaster struck.

And you remember Raymond?

The kindly doctor with his bag of tricks.

And, uh- And my victim?

Moke.

And the phony preacher man.

And no party would be complete without Crystal.

Where is she?

At your side, Jim, darling,

where I belong.

You haven't introduced yourself.

Elisha Calamander,

your humble servant.

The man responsible for the pranks

I've been subjected to.

One feels obliged to say yes.

One finds you quite amazing, sir.

With the drug's effects far from dissipated,

it should have been impossible for you to have done this.

I'll get to you yet, Calamander.

Of course, only one hopes that that will be

when you are properly freshened and barbered.

You could have a point there.

You're the least talkative barber I've ever met.

That is bad, yes?

No, that's wonderful.

What are you doing here anyway?

A servant to Mr. Calamander.

A servant?

Honorable parents very poor when Song small.

Afraid Song go hungry too many times.

Mr. Calamander offered to save my life.

So Calamander bought you from your parents.

Right?

Long as honorable master lives,

Song will serve him.

Ever thought of growing a beard, Jim?

Incidentally, if you can spare the time,

Mr. Calamander would like to see you.

Can't keep my host waiting. Thank you.

Sit down, Mr. West.

Are you still bitter, sir?

Should I be grateful, sir?

Yes. One asks you to reflect.

Years of dedicated service, brilliant work,

dangerous, wretchedly paid,

and see how callously they have cast you off

like an old shoe.

Yes, sir, those are pistols being trained upon you,

so hear me out, if you will.

One knows the range of your talents, Mr. West.

One cherishes them as much

as your late employers ever did.

The only difference being,

one is prepared to pay for them,

and pay very well indeed.

What's your game?

My game, as you put it,

is a passion for anonymity.

Have you ever heard of me before, sir?

And yet, one may modestly lay claim

to being at the top of one's profession.

What is one's profession?

One is in touch with many wealthy men

who hunger after treasures so illicit

they may never show them to anyone else.

Yet treasures, nevertheless, they must have.

The Venus de Milo,

the Mona Lisa,

the Crown Jewels

of England.

One supplies such items for very handsome prices.

Where do I come in?

More about that later.

For now, look inside your jacket pocket,

if you will.

$5,000.

Mere token money.

Just to show our good faith, as it were.

A mere 10 percent of what we are offering

for your services, Mr. West.

$50,000.

Take it, Jim.

It means independence, Mr. West.

It recognizes the fact

that the laborer is worthy of his hire.

Also, it is the nicest way

you can thumb your nose

at Mr. Gordon, Colonel Richmond,

and all the rest of that dreary crew.

This calls for a celebration.

I'll take you to dinner.

Well...

Will there be anything else, sir?

No, thank you. Of course.

I wish you could have seen your face

when I danced up to you and the others.

"Sorry I'm late, darling,

but you know how it is shopping with mother."

When are you going to start asking questions?

Well, I didn't know I was supposed to.

You don't fool me any because I know

you're just dying to find out what the job is

Calamander wants you to do.

No. Calamander will tell me

when he wants to tell me.

Oh, good. I'm glad you feel that way,

because I'm not going to tell you anything.

I'm glad to hear it.

I'm not even gonna tell you

why Calamander picked you.

Because you're some sort of superman.

Superman? Now I know you're pulling my leg.

No, honest, honest.

See, Calamander needed somebody

who's a talented swimmer, and a diver,

and an acrobat, and a fighter,

and a mountain climber, and et cetera.

And that's you.

Me?

And from what I understand,

you're gonna need all those special skills

to carry off that little chore

Calamander's got lined up for you.

Steal back-

I'd like to get out of here. You talk too much.

All right.

There.

So to recap the information

that Jim passed on to me on that menu,

Check Elisha Calamander.

Did it. We don't have a thing on him.

Pick, swim, dive, fight, acro, shoot, climb

for steal thing. Steal what?"

Now, roughly translated, that means that Jim

was chosen by a certain Mr. Calamander

for a project that requires talent at swimming, diving,

shooting, fighting, and acrobatics.

That third postscript is just to tell us

all this activity was for the purpose of stealing back

something that was stolen to begin with.

Well, what was it that was stolen

that Calamander wants to steal back?

Where is it now, and when is it all going to take place?

Well, I don't know, sir. Jim did not say.

All right. I'll read the list over again.

A set of series R plates stolen from the mint,

$128,000 worth of government securities

stolen from the bureau of printing and engraving,

two Gatling guns stolen from

Fort Winfield Scott during maneuvers-

Excuse me, I think you're just getting colder and colder.

Well, then we don't know one blasted thing, do we?

I wouldn't say that, colonel.

I know that Mr. Calamander is a patron of the fine arts,

I know that he goes in for big projects,

and I also know he loves to make elaborate gestures.

Well, now, how do you know that?

I had that checked out.

Now, that once belonged to Maria Sophia,

queen of Portugal.

It was stolen from the Museum of Lisbon.

It's priceless. What's the connection?

That's the ring Crystal threw back at Jim

when she broke their engagement.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Ah, Mr. West.

Take a moment to acknowledge perfection

so exultant that it pains.

Very beautiful, sir.

I'm glad you agree with me.

Oh, by the way,

Moke informs me

that you composed these symbols.

One is tempted to wonder whether those symbols

form some sort of a code to be picked up, let us say,

by a colleague disguised

as a waiter or a busboy?

I don't like troublemakers.

An interesting piece of byplay, sir,

but hardly an answer to one's question.

What do these symbols say?

Honorable one.

And exactly what does that mean, Song?

Patterns on rice paper.

Silly game Song taught Mr. West to play.

Song ashamed to be cause of trouble.

A simple explanation.

One wonders why you didn't make it.

I would have gotten around to it eventually.

One offers apologies.

One accepts.

And now, Mr. West, perhaps it is as good a time

as any to acquaint you with our little project.

Well, Artemus?

I'm sorry, colonel.

I've been juggling

all the elements in this case.

All of Jim's special skills,

the topographical features that seem to be indicated,

like the body of water.

In other words, nothing, right?

Everything but the what and the where.

What is it that Calamander is going for,

and where is the big operation going to take place?

Sir?

Later, Keeley. I don't want to be interrupted.

Excuse me, sir, it's marked "top urgent."

Well, more trouble.

Some experimental chemical has been found missing.

Killesium, whatever that is.

No, that's- That's kilesium.

It's a distillate of seawater.

Accidentally discovered by Dr. Quandum

during his famous experiments on high pressures.

Eventually resulted in his death,

as a matter of fact.

Kilesium was found to contain

the most asphyxiating-

Kilesium?

I thought there was only one vial of that in existence.

Yes, well, that's what's been stolen.

What are we gonna do about Jim?

I don't know.

I'm sure he must realize

that we don't have enough information

to do anything that-

What is it?

How long ago was that vial of kilesium stolen?

Probably a month.

All right, I've seen that Mona Lisa smile of yours before.

What do you got cooking?

It works. It fits.

It's the kilesium that Calamander is after.

Well, now, how do you know that?

A, because it was stolen to begin with.

B, because anyone who possesses that vial can get

almost any price he cares to name in certain quarters.

It's that deadly.

Do you realize that with enough kilesium,

one could decimate this entire country

within a matter of 24 hours,

and that one small vial is the only sample known.

Well, if your theory is correct, then we're worse off than ever.

A tiny vial like that could be hidden anywhere.

That's C, sir.

I think I can tell you exactly where it is.

Now, listen to this. Kilesium is extremely unstable.

At a temperature of 70 degrees, under normal air pressure,

it converts immediately into a poison gas.

The most deadly poison gas that ever was.

In order to be stored safely,

it has to be maintained in a saline solution

at a temperature under 70 degrees,

at a pressure of 29 pounds per square inch.

The simplest and most logical way to do that

would be to store it in a tank of seawater.

Wait a minute.

A tank 30 feet deep.

Now, that- That would account for the diving and swimming

that are called for. Right.

Now, a tank of seawater 30 feet high

would have to be situated right off the seacoast

so that the constantly evaporating seawater

could be constantly replenished. Exactly.

Oh, Artemus, that would be a risky undertaking,

because every coastal installation and building

would be subject to government approval and control.

Yes, but there's a chain of saltwater lakes

right here in this area, far from the coast.

The traces of antediluvian inland oceans.

They would make a perfect spot in which somebody could keep

a 30-foot tank of saltwater in private.

Keeley!

On the salt lakes in the area,

I want every map and chart you can beg, borrow,

and commandeer. Yes, sir.

The hand of Saint Stephen,

one of the old relics of martyrdom.

So, this is what puts the gleam in your client's eye.

The price it commands

is exceeded only by the burning desire

and the pocketbook of the buyer,

both, as it happens, of gigantic proportions.

So, you see, the $100,000 that you make off the deal

will hardly dent the budget.

One had already settled Mr. West's price

at $50,000, my dear.

Oh,

excuse me.

Still, sir, $100,000 is no more than fair.

One is inclined to agree.

$100,000 it is.

And now that Crystal's passionate preoccupation

with money has doubled your dividend,

let us go on to talk about

a certain Mr. Inigo Golem. Is the name familiar?

He's the director of the marine biological institution

at Fowles Point inland sea.

That, sir,

is the face he presents to a credulous world.

In point of fact, Mr. Golem has recently branched out

into the same line of business as myself.

He stole a march on me

by securing the hand before I could,

and within a 30-foot tank in his laboratory,

he has hidden away the prize.

And my job is to liberate it.

Precisely.

Sir, how do I go about it?

My dear.

Do sit down, Mr. West.

This will take a little time to explain.

Let me repeat, sir.

Timing will be of exquisite importance

in the success of this operation.

We have managed to chart the ebb and flow

of the lake water as it is being pumped

into the conduit you will be negotiating.

The only feasible way into the laboratory.

And the only way out.

There is only an 18-minute interval of time

during which water is not pumped into the conduit.

You will have to enter, perform your chores,

and leave, all within the allotted time period,

or else, frankly,

it could be exceedingly awkward.

For "awkward," substitute "fatal."

One tries not to dwell on that.

I've been waiting for you.

Well, if it's to wish me luck...

I wouldn't waste my time on a thing like that.

It's to make you an offer.

Thanks, Crystal, but some other time.

Listen. Calamander and the others

are waiting for you to come out of the conduit,

with the package, ready to blast you.

I just thought you'd like to know.

For some reason that kind of gossip does interest me,

but if there's only one way out of the conduit-

There isn't. Tell me.

First, tell me we're partners.

You're prepared to believe me if I say we are?

You can't trust me. No one can.

But I have a feeling I can trust you.

All right, I'll give you half

of everything I make on this deal.

That's good enough for me. Now, listen.

I overheard Calamander talking about a door

in the main laboratory. Exactly where I don't know,

but it leads to another exit, a cave,

and it's unguarded.

Thanks, Crystal. I'll make a point of finding it.

Right now you'll have to excuse me. I'm on a tight schedule.

Uh...

Yes? Out of my way, sonny.

Hold it, pop.

Are you defying the United States government?

Of course not, old man,

but you can't just come barging in here like that.

I can't, huh? You ever hear of the post office motto?

"Neither snow nor sleet, nor dark of night

"shall stay these couriers from their swift completion

of their appointed rounds."

Now, hide your carcass over to one side,

I got a package to deliver. Unh-unh. I'll take that.

Not on your tinny-type, you don't.

There's 17 cents postage due coming to the department.

Tried to get by without paying that.

What is that? A quarter? Uh-huh.

I ain't no bank, sonny. I don't change no currency.

Well, keep the rest of it then.

Are you trying to bribe

a government employee?

Hold on one dag-burned minute.

That's 17 cents...even.

All right, pop. Follow me.

All I want is the money coming to the department.

I don't want nothing besides.

There you are, old man. Seventeen cents.

There. That's more like it.

Hey, hey. You got to sign for it.

You this here Inigo Golem?

No, but I'll sign for him.

Federal offense. Forging and falsifying.

Idiots.

Deaf, dumb, and blind idiots.

Distinctly I hear an explosion,

and you stand there and say you heard nothing?

Maybe one of the steam pumps.

Dolt. I tell you it was an explosion,

not a steam pump.

Get that man!

Guards, get this man.

Hold it, Jim. This way.

According to a diagram I saw,

there's a door to a cave leading out of here right about here.

It gives out right here.

I hope you've got something in your bag, doctor.

Of course. Care to watch the operation?

Wait, wait, wait.

What do you got in there, Jim? Some kind of souvenir?

It's supposed to be the hand of Saint Stephen for Calamander.

Calamander? It's a vial of kilesium.

Kilesium? Then we're gonna have temperature problems.

We've got to get rid of that

without jeopardizing anybody else.

Artie, then this place was made to order.

Come on.

I'll take the hand, Mr. West.

Shall we call it by its right name?

Kilesium, then.

If you please.

We had to abandon it.

There was the small problem of rising temperatures.

Mr. West, I have dreamed too many dreams to give up now.

I want that vial.

Raymond, Moke,

keep an eye on our guests until I return.

Gentlemen, I promise you,

if I have any difficulty locating that kilesium,

I shall return with some very interesting methods

for making you more communicative.

Mr. Calamander, what would you say

if I were to tell you there's very great danger

going back in there after that kilesium?

One would be irresistibly inclined

to doubt you, sir.

Moke, give them a hand.

Thus, gentlemen, I am happy to say

that Mr. West has been reinstated in the service,

with a special commendation from President Grant himself

for his meritorious and selfless-

Excuse me, colonel. What about the kilesium?

Oh. Uh, well, yes.

Um, uh...why don't you tell him about it?

Well, we dynamited the cave

and sealed the gas off permanently.

No possibility of it ever escaping.

Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me,

I'm looking forward to sharing a dinner engagement

with a very charming young lady.