All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West - 03x13 - The Night of the Turncoat.Unspecified.English.updated.Addic7ed.com

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

No!

Stop him!
He held up the bank!

He slugged me.

Hold it.

This man's dead.
What happened?

He's a bank robber.

He slugged the teller
as he was making off-

Doesn't seem
to have gotten away

with much of a haul,
does he?

I can't help that.

He was running
out of the bank,

the teller at his heels
screaming bloody murder.

What teller?
The one that-

Came running out
of this bank, you say?

Yeah, that bank.

No, no, please!

No, don't hit me again.

Please,
don't hit me again.

Somebody,
help me please!

Oh, for shame.

Raising a hand
to the man of the cloth.

But I didn't, ma'am.

He didn't? All of a sudden,
for no reason at all-

You ought to be
horsewhipped.

No, no, dear lady,

let us rather heed
the words of the gospel-

Be not overcome of evil,

but overcome evil
with good.

Peace to you,
my misguided brother.

He grabbed the poor parson,

slammed him up against the side
of the elevator, and started-

Why don't you tell the truth,
huh?

Jim!

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Turn him loose, Jim.

Colonel, I don't know
what this is all-

I said turn him loose.

If, ladies and gentlemen,

I say,
if you have been angered,

frightened,
or even amused

by what you have
just seen here,

if, in short,
you have been caught up

by this brief excerpt
from our little play,

then I am sure you will
certainly want to see

the rest of Fabian Replogle's

gripping new play,

Because She's Your Sister, Son.

Currently showing
all this week

at the Haymarket Theater.

You will laugh
with a tear in your eye.

You will cry with a smile
in your heart

over this tender love-drama

woven around a million stories

of happy family life.

Remember, the Haymarket
all this week.

Thank you
for your attention.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, now,
back to the serious business

of ordering a wine.

Artie, I was just explaining
to the colonel

how I didn't rough up
the preacher.

You don't have to explain
that to me, Jim.

Oh, Eau de Juvnal.

A sunny,
good-natured burgundy-

I didn't so much
as lay a finger on him.

At ease, Jim.

Now, I suggested this dinner
so we could talk unofficially.

About my behavior the last
couple of weeks, right, colonel?

Come on, Jim,
stop it.

Well, that is right, isn't it?

Yes, decidedly.

Excuse me, gentlemen,
but your wine list.

Well,
I accidentally dropped it.

Well, let's see...
Eau de Juvnal

because we're in such
a sunny, good-natured mood.

As I was saying, there was
an incident a few weeks ago

and I started receiving gifts.

As if someone was making
a payment for favors granted,

only the department never
bought that for a moment.

Oh, well,
I'm touched, colonel.

And then there was
those anonymous letters

about me welshing
on my gambling debts.

Nobody took that seriously,
Jim, and you know it.

Mm-hmm.
And then I shoot in the air,

and I- I kill a bank robber
who isn't a bank robber

because the bank hasn't been
in operation for years.

Now stop it, Jim.
That's an order.

And then tonight,
I rough up a preacher

for no apparent reason!

Jim.

I'm sorry I'm late,
darling,

but you know how
it is shopping with mother.

No, I don't know how it is.

Oh, Jim, they're gonna think
you're real-

Oh, you must be
Colonel Richmond.

Crystal Fair's my name.

How do you do?

And you're
Artemus Gordon.

Oh. Jim's told me
so much about you.

I feel like
we're old friends too.

Oh, you dog,
how did you keep this one

undercover all this time?

Because I never saw
this woman before in my life.

Jim. Oh, I see.

Then you still haven't forgiven
me for the other night?

I said I'm sorry.
Now what more can I do?

You can start by telling me
what your game is,

and who put you up to it.

Oh, when you said
it would never work out,

I should have believed you

instead of coming here
and trying to-

Oh, Jim.

Oh, bravo.

Be ready when the curtain
goes up, Miss Bernhardt.

Don't hit me again,
Jim, please.

West.

As you were, mister.

Now, the next time we have
matters to discuss,

it will be
over an official table.

Did you gentlemen on the board
come to any decision in there?

Hold it, gentlemen.
Hold it.

Now, Hansbury,
we've always cooperated

with the Tribune,
with all of you boys.

So where the devil
did you get the idea

Mr. West is on the pan?

The colonel sent us
this fact sheet.

It has the time, place,
and the charges.

I've never
seen this before in my life.

Then Mr. West
is not on the pan?

Of course he isn't.
Mr. West is one of the most

highly-regarded men
in the department.

Even after last night?

Oh, come on, boys,
last night was just

one of those things.
Youthful high spirits.

You're both young enough to
still remember that, I'm sure.

Mr. West is, uh, leaving us
only for a long-awaited

and a richly deserved vacation.

Ah, but it's also
a special vacation.

Long-awaited,
true, gentlemen,

and richly deserved.

And also, I might add,
permanent,

and I'm delighted
about the whole thing.

Hey, Jim, really,

that last remark
wasn't called for.

Sergeant of ordnance.

Sergeant.

Well, I just-

I just fired that for effect,
sergeant.

You see, the forward battery
needs some reloading.

Look, general,
your artillery fire

is starting
to annoy the natives.

Why don't you
get out of here?

Give the nice man what he wants,
Lobo.

Hey, what about your drink?

Tattoo?

My luck,
wouldn't you know it?

I run into the same
oriental beauty.

I tell you, she has to be
the eyes of that gang,

and I follow her into what
turns out to be a tattoo parlor.

I knew if I turned around
and walked out,

I'd arouse suspicion, so...

I wound up
getting myself tattooed.

And then?

Well, then Jim came
in playing the role

of busted agent
to the hilt.

I tell you, colonel,
you should have seen him.

Well, go on, go on.

Nothing. He wound up going
into this little booth,

drew the curtain and...

Curtains, that was all.

And he never came out?

No, not through that front door
he didn't. No, sir.

Well, now, I don't know what
you're so happy about.

He could be at the bottom
of San Francisco Bay

at this very moment.

Oh, come on, colonel.

We know whoever went
to all of this trouble

to build an ornate plan
to make Jim look bad

had a lot more in mind
for him than that.

Yes, yes, I agree.
By Godfrey. I think your plan

worked out fine this time.
Thanks.

I think we really pulled
the wool over the eyes of-

Of who? Who is Mr. Big?

And what operation
is he cooking up

that Jim has obviously
been assigned a role in?

Well, I tell you, colonel,

that's one minor detail

I haven't figured out yet.

What are you
going to do about it?

I don't know.

I think I may even learn

to grow fond
of it after a while.

What? Now, I'm not talking
about your blasted tattoo.

I'm talking about Jim.

Now, what's our next move?

Colonel, our next move
is the toughest of them all.

We just sit

and wait to hear from him.

The couch
you are rising from

once sagged
beneath the weight

of the queen
of all the Assyrians.

May one hope
that you rested as well

as that scarlet-lipped
Semiramis herself.

Who are you?

Your host.

You've met Song,
of course.

Several times.

Just before disaster struck.

And you remember Raymond?

The kindly doctor
with his bag of tricks.

And, uh- And my victim?

Moke.

And the phony preacher man.

And no party would be complete
without Crystal.

Where is she?

At your side,
Jim, darling,

where I belong.

You haven't
introduced yourself.

Elisha Calamander,

your humble servant.

The man responsible
for the pranks

I've been subjected to.

One feels
obliged to say yes.

One finds you
quite amazing, sir.

With the drug's effects
far from dissipated,

it should have been impossible
for you to have done this.

I'll get to you yet,
Calamander.

Of course,
only one hopes that that will be

when you are properly
freshened and barbered.

You could have
a point there.

You're the least talkative
barber I've ever met.

That is bad, yes?

No, that's wonderful.

What are you
doing here anyway?

A servant
to Mr. Calamander.

A servant?

Honorable parents
very poor when Song small.

Afraid Song go hungry
too many times.

Mr. Calamander offered
to save my life.

So Calamander bought you
from your parents.

Right?

Long as honorable
master lives,

Song will serve him.

Ever thought
of growing a beard, Jim?

Incidentally,
if you can spare the time,

Mr. Calamander
would like to see you.

Can't keep my host waiting.
Thank you.

Sit down, Mr. West.

Are you still bitter, sir?

Should I be grateful, sir?

Yes. One asks you to reflect.

Years of dedicated service,
brilliant work,

dangerous, wretchedly paid,

and see how callously
they have cast you off

like an old shoe.

Yes, sir, those are pistols
being trained upon you,

so hear me out,
if you will.

One knows the range
of your talents, Mr. West.

One cherishes them as much

as your late employers
ever did.

The only difference being,

one is prepared
to pay for them,

and pay very well
indeed.

What's your game?

My game, as you put it,

is a passion for anonymity.

Have you ever heard
of me before, sir?

And yet,
one may modestly lay claim

to being at the top
of one's profession.

What is one's profession?

One is in touch
with many wealthy men

who hunger after treasures
so illicit

they may never show them
to anyone else.

Yet treasures, nevertheless,
they must have.

The Venus de Milo,

the Mona Lisa,

the Crown Jewels

of England.

One supplies such items
for very handsome prices.

Where do I come in?

More about that later.

For now,
look inside your jacket pocket,

if you will.

$5,000.

Mere token money.

Just to show our good faith,
as it were.

A mere 10 percent
of what we are offering

for your services,
Mr. West.

$50,000.

Take it, Jim.

It means independence, Mr. West.

It recognizes the fact

that the laborer
is worthy of his hire.

Also, it is the nicest way

you can thumb your nose

at Mr. Gordon,
Colonel Richmond,

and all the rest
of that dreary crew.

This calls
for a celebration.

I'll take you to dinner.

Well...

Will there be
anything else, sir?

No, thank you.
Of course.

I wish you could have
seen your face

when I danced up
to you and the others.

"Sorry I'm late, darling,

but you know how
it is shopping with mother."

When are you going
to start asking questions?

Well, I didn't know
I was supposed to.

You don't fool me any
because I know

you're just dying
to find out what the job is

Calamander wants you to do.

No. Calamander will tell me

when he wants to tell me.

Oh, good.
I'm glad you feel that way,

because I'm not going
to tell you anything.

I'm glad to hear it.

I'm not even
gonna tell you

why Calamander picked you.

Because you're some sort
of superman.

Superman? Now I know
you're pulling my leg.

No, honest, honest.

See, Calamander needed somebody

who's a talented swimmer,
and a diver,

and an acrobat,
and a fighter,

and a mountain climber,
and et cetera.

And that's you.

Me?

And from what
I understand,

you're gonna need
all those special skills

to carry off
that little chore

Calamander's got
lined up for you.

Steal back-

I'd like to get out of here.
You talk too much.

All right.

There.

So to recap
the information

that Jim passed on to me
on that menu,

Check Elisha Calamander.

Did it. We don't have
a thing on him.

Pick, swim, dive, fight,
acro, shoot, climb

for steal thing.
Steal what?"

Now, roughly translated,
that means that Jim

was chosen by a certain
Mr. Calamander

for a project that requires
talent at swimming, diving,

shooting, fighting,
and acrobatics.

That third postscript
is just to tell us

all this activity was for
the purpose of stealing back

something that was stolen
to begin with.

Well,
what was it that was stolen

that Calamander
wants to steal back?

Where is it now, and when
is it all going to take place?

Well, I don't know, sir.
Jim did not say.

All right.
I'll read the list over again.

A set of series R plates
stolen from the mint,

$128,000 worth
of government securities

stolen from the bureau
of printing and engraving,

two Gatling guns stolen from

Fort Winfield Scott
during maneuvers-

Excuse me, I think you're just
getting colder and colder.

Well, then we don't know
one blasted thing, do we?

I wouldn't say that,
colonel.

I know that Mr. Calamander
is a patron of the fine arts,

I know that he goes
in for big projects,

and I also know he loves
to make elaborate gestures.

Well, now,
how do you know that?

I had that checked out.

Now, that once belonged
to Maria Sophia,

queen of Portugal.

It was stolen
from the Museum of Lisbon.

It's priceless.
What's the connection?

That's the ring
Crystal threw back at Jim

when she broke
their engagement.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Ah, Mr. West.

Take a moment
to acknowledge perfection

so exultant that it pains.

Very beautiful, sir.

I'm glad you
agree with me.

Oh, by the way,

Moke informs me

that you composed
these symbols.

One is tempted to wonder
whether those symbols

form some sort of a code to be
picked up, let us say,

by a colleague disguised

as a waiter or a busboy?

I don't like
troublemakers.

An interesting piece
of byplay, sir,

but hardly an answer
to one's question.

What do these symbols say?

Honorable one.

And exactly what does that mean,
Song?

Patterns on rice paper.

Silly game Song taught
Mr. West to play.

Song ashamed to be
cause of trouble.

A simple explanation.

One wonders
why you didn't make it.

I would have gotten
around to it eventually.

One offers apologies.

One accepts.

And now, Mr. West,
perhaps it is as good a time

as any to acquaint you
with our little project.

Well, Artemus?

I'm sorry, colonel.

I've been juggling

all the elements in this case.

All of Jim's
special skills,

the topographical features
that seem to be indicated,

like the body of water.

In other words,
nothing, right?

Everything but the what
and the where.

What is it that Calamander
is going for,

and where is the big operation
going to take place?

Sir?

Later, Keeley. I don't want
to be interrupted.

Excuse me, sir,
it's marked "top urgent."

Well, more trouble.

Some experimental chemical
has been found missing.

Killesium,
whatever that is.

No, that's- That's kilesium.

It's a distillate
of seawater.

Accidentally discovered
by Dr. Quandum

during his famous experiments
on high pressures.

Eventually resulted
in his death,

as a matter of fact.

Kilesium was found
to contain

the most asphyxiating-

Kilesium?

I thought there was only one
vial of that in existence.

Yes, well,
that's what's been stolen.

What are we
gonna do about Jim?

I don't know.

I'm sure he must realize

that we don't have
enough information

to do anything that-

What is it?

How long ago was that vial
of kilesium stolen?

Probably a month.

All right, I've seen that Mona
Lisa smile of yours before.

What do you got cooking?

It works. It fits.

It's the kilesium
that Calamander is after.

Well, now,
how do you know that?

A, because it was stolen
to begin with.

B, because anyone
who possesses that vial can get

almost any price he cares
to name in certain quarters.

It's that deadly.

Do you realize
that with enough kilesium,

one could decimate
this entire country

within a matter of 24 hours,

and that one small vial
is the only sample known.

Well, if your theory is correct,
then we're worse off than ever.

A tiny vial like that
could be hidden anywhere.

That's C, sir.

I think I can tell you
exactly where it is.

Now, listen to this.
Kilesium is extremely unstable.

At a temperature of 70 degrees,
under normal air pressure,

it converts immediately
into a poison gas.

The most deadly poison gas
that ever was.

In order
to be stored safely,

it has to be maintained
in a saline solution

at a temperature
under 70 degrees,

at a pressure of 29 pounds
per square inch.

The simplest and most
logical way to do that

would be to store
it in a tank of seawater.

Wait a minute.

A tank 30 feet deep.

Now, that- That would account
for the diving and swimming

that are called for.
Right.

Now, a tank of seawater
30 feet high

would have to be situated
right off the seacoast

so that the constantly
evaporating seawater

could be constantly replenished.
Exactly.

Oh, Artemus, that would be
a risky undertaking,

because every coastal
installation and building

would be subject to government
approval and control.

Yes, but there's a chain
of saltwater lakes

right here in this area,
far from the coast.

The traces of antediluvian
inland oceans.

They would make a perfect spot
in which somebody could keep

a 30-foot tank
of saltwater in private.

Keeley!

On the salt lakes
in the area,

I want every map and chart
you can beg, borrow,

and commandeer.
Yes, sir.

The hand of Saint Stephen,

one of the old relics
of martyrdom.

So, this is what puts the gleam
in your client's eye.

The price it commands

is exceeded only
by the burning desire

and the pocketbook
of the buyer,

both, as it happens,
of gigantic proportions.

So, you see, the $100,000
that you make off the deal

will hardly dent the budget.

One had already settled
Mr. West's price

at $50,000, my dear.

Oh,

excuse me.

Still, sir, $100,000
is no more than fair.

One is inclined to agree.

$100,000 it is.

And now that Crystal's
passionate preoccupation

with money has doubled
your dividend,

let us go on to talk about

a certain Mr. Inigo Golem.
Is the name familiar?

He's the director of the marine
biological institution

at Fowles Point inland sea.

That, sir,

is the face he presents
to a credulous world.

In point of fact, Mr. Golem
has recently branched out

into the same line
of business as myself.

He stole a march on me

by securing the hand
before I could,

and within a 30-foot tank
in his laboratory,

he has hidden away the prize.

And my job
is to liberate it.

Precisely.

Sir, how do I go about it?

My dear.

Do sit down, Mr. West.

This will take a little
time to explain.

Let me repeat, sir.

Timing will be
of exquisite importance

in the success
of this operation.

We have managed to chart
the ebb and flow

of the lake water
as it is being pumped

into the conduit
you will be negotiating.

The only feasible way
into the laboratory.

And the only way out.

There is only an 18-minute
interval of time

during which water is not
pumped into the conduit.

You will have to enter,
perform your chores,

and leave, all within
the allotted time period,

or else, frankly,

it could be exceedingly awkward.

For "awkward,"
substitute "fatal."

One tries not to dwell
on that.

I've been waiting
for you.

Well,
if it's to wish me luck...

I wouldn't waste my time
on a thing like that.

It's to make you
an offer.

Thanks, Crystal,
but some other time.

Listen.
Calamander and the others

are waiting for you
to come out of the conduit,

with the package,
ready to blast you.

I just thought
you'd like to know.

For some reason that kind
of gossip does interest me,

but if there's only one way
out of the conduit-

There isn't.
Tell me.

First,
tell me we're partners.

You're prepared to believe me
if I say we are?

You can't trust me.
No one can.

But I have a feeling
I can trust you.

All right,
I'll give you half

of everything I make
on this deal.

That's good enough for me.
Now, listen.

I overheard Calamander
talking about a door

in the main laboratory.
Exactly where I don't know,

but it leads to another exit,
a cave,

and it's unguarded.

Thanks, Crystal.
I'll make a point of finding it.

Right now you'll have to excuse
me. I'm on a tight schedule.

Uh...

Yes?
Out of my way, sonny.

Hold it, pop.

Are you defying
the United States government?

Of course not, old man,

but you can't just come
barging in here like that.

I can't, huh? You ever hear
of the post office motto?

"Neither snow nor sleet,
nor dark of night

"shall stay these couriers
from their swift completion

of their appointed rounds."

Now, hide your carcass
over to one side,

I got a package to deliver.
Unh-unh. I'll take that.

Not on your tinny-type,
you don't.

There's 17 cents postage due
coming to the department.

Tried to get by
without paying that.

What is that? A quarter?
Uh-huh.

I ain't no bank, sonny.
I don't change no currency.

Well, keep the rest of it then.

Are you trying to bribe

a government employee?

Hold on one
dag-burned minute.

That's 17 cents...even.

All right, pop. Follow me.

All I want is the money
coming to the department.

I don't want
nothing besides.

There you are, old man.
Seventeen cents.

There.
That's more like it.

Hey, hey.
You got to sign for it.

You this here
Inigo Golem?

No,
but I'll sign for him.

Federal offense.
Forging and falsifying.

Idiots.

Deaf, dumb,
and blind idiots.

Distinctly
I hear an explosion,

and you stand there
and say you heard nothing?

Maybe one
of the steam pumps.

Dolt. I tell you
it was an explosion,

not a steam pump.

Get that man!

Guards, get this man.

Hold it, Jim. This way.

According to a diagram
I saw,

there's a door to a cave leading
out of here right about here.

It gives out right here.

I hope you've got something
in your bag, doctor.

Of course.
Care to watch the operation?

Wait, wait, wait.

What do you got in there, Jim?
Some kind of souvenir?

It's supposed to be the hand
of Saint Stephen for Calamander.

Calamander?
It's a vial of kilesium.

Kilesium? Then we're gonna have
temperature problems.

We've got to get
rid of that

without jeopardizing
anybody else.

Artie, then this place
was made to order.

Come on.

I'll take the hand,
Mr. West.

Shall we call
it by its right name?

Kilesium, then.

If you please.

We had to abandon it.

There was the small problem
of rising temperatures.

Mr. West, I have dreamed too
many dreams to give up now.

I want that vial.

Raymond, Moke,

keep an eye on our guests
until I return.

Gentlemen, I promise you,

if I have any difficulty
locating that kilesium,

I shall return with some
very interesting methods

for making you
more communicative.

Mr. Calamander,
what would you say

if I were to tell you
there's very great danger

going back in there
after that kilesium?

One would be
irresistibly inclined

to doubt you, sir.

Moke,
give them a hand.

Thus, gentlemen,
I am happy to say

that Mr. West has been
reinstated in the service,

with a special commendation
from President Grant himself

for his meritorious
and selfless-

Excuse me, colonel.
What about the kilesium?

Oh. Uh, well, yes.

Um, uh...why don't you
tell him about it?

Well,
we dynamited the cave

and sealed the gas off
permanently.

No possibility
of it ever escaping.

Now, gentlemen,
if you'll excuse me,

I'm looking forward to sharing
a dinner engagement

with a very charming
young lady.