All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West - 02x19 - The Night of the Tartar.Unspecified.English.updated.Addic7ed.com

Sealed orders?

A special directive
from the president himself.

"Not to be opened until arrival
in San Francisco."

Well, we're almost there.

All right.

"Greetings.

"Your instructions
are as follows.

On the night of May 9,

"at approximately
10 p.m.,

"there will be delivered
to you in your private car

"by San Francisco
detectives

a paroled convict
named Feodor Rimsky."

It's a bit fine.

It's exactly
five minutes to ten now.

Yeah.

Uh, "Two, you will escort
said prisoner

"aboard the S.S.
Thomas Jefferson

"sailing
San Francisco May 10

for the port
of Vladivostok."

That's in Siberia.

Yeah.

"That is in Siberia,
gentlemen."

"Three, you will
deliver the prisoner

"to the governor general
of Amur province, Siberia,

"and receive in exchange
the American vice consul,

"Mr. Millard Boyer,

"who is being held prisoner
pending the safe delivery

of Feodor Rimsky."

Prisoner exchange,
is that- Is that all?

Uh, no. "Four, the very best
of luck, gentlemen."

I wonder why he thinks
we need it.

Ah, it's almost 10:30.

They should have been here
half an hour ago.

Oh, relax, Artie.

Don't ask me why.

I've just got the feeling
something's gone sour.

Gentlemen.

Now don't tell me
which one is Rimsky.

Let me guess.

Uh, good evening, officers.
You're prompt.

Sign here.

Who are these men? What are they
going to do with me?

What is all this?

Receipt. One body
in good condition. Passport-

I protest!

Deportation order
and personal possessions.

Gentlemen, you just bought
yourselves a Russian jailbird.

I refuse to be sold
like a Russian peasant.

I am Feodor Rimsky,

fourth cousin
to His Highness

Count Nicolai
Sazanov,

governor general
of Amur province,

who is second cousin
to his imperial highness

Alexander II,
czar of all the Russias.

With pull like that,
he could get the firing squad.

Oh, thank you, gentlemen.
And give your warden my best.

Why not?
He sent you his worst.

Rimsky, relax.

I refuse to face
a firing squad.

That was a joke.

You're going to Siberia
in the morning.

You mean I'm...
I'm not going to be shot?

Certainly not.

Shoot.

You all right?

Yeah.

Where'd that shot
come from?

Hard to tell.

Rimsky.

Now, you fools, move!

Bring Rimsky.

I wonder where he's going.

Wherever it is,
he's making a beeline for it.

Rimsky, what's the matter
with you?

Don't you wanna go home?

Of course, but there
is something first I must do.

Well, what is it?

I can't tell you,
Mr. West,

but I give you
my word of honor

as a distant relative
of the royal family,

I will meet you
at the boat.

Not a chance.

As long as we can swap you
for Millard Boyer,

you're just a prisoner.

Rimsky!

Rimsky!

Aah!

Jim, I've been
on the receiving end

of a lot of setbacks
in my time,

but this has got to rank
way up there

with the best of them.

Colonel,
do you have any idea

who those men were
that were after Rimsky?

Well, he had a character
like an outlaw polecat.

Could have been any
of the hundreds of victims.

Exactly why was he
in jail?

Do you recall
how the book talks

about the little foxes
and the vines,

how they spoil them?

Well, that's Rimsky,

exceptin' he's more
of a jackal than a fox,

and the vines are the thousands
of Russian immigrants

who come pouring
into this country,

lifting up their eyes to a kind
of freedom they never knew,

blessing the day
they got out from under

that yolk of tyranny,

only to find out
they just swapped

one kind of tyranny
for another.

I see, an immigrant
extortion ring.

Yep, worst kind.

They threaten killing
the relatives

that are still living in Russia
so as to get them to pay,

and the poor fellas
just pay and pay and pay.

Well,

Rimsky just died
on the operating table.

There goes
our bargaining power.

Yep, just how do we trade
a dead man for Millard Boyer?

Colonel, I'd like to go
to Siberia.

Empty-handed?

You wouldn't have
a prayer.

Colonel, if I may,
I'd like to-

Gordon, just about
15 minutes from now,

Sazanov's man's
gonna be here demanding

to know what happened
to Rimsky.

Now, what am I gonna tell him?

Tell him he's here.

You know, Artie, it, uh-
It just might work.

What? What might work?

Look, Rimsky had a very
distinctive kind of a nose.

If I can manage
to duplicate that,

I am Feodor Rimsky,

fourth cousin
to His Highness Count Sazanov,

the imperial governor
of the province of Amur.

At your service, sir.

Jim, it won't work.

Why not, colonel?
Artie speaks fluent Russian.

Kuprin just might buy it.

Maybe he will,

but he's not Rimsky's
fourth cousin.

It wouldn't fool that
Count Sazanov for five minutes.

All we need is five minutes.

We can make the exchange
at night.

Once Boyer's safely away,

Artie can get rid
of the disguise

and take care of himself.

And because I acquired
a small wound on my chin,

the idiots at the hospital
saw fit to remove my beard.

For which outrage
your government

is going to pay, believe me.
I tell you that.

Rimsky.

Idiot.

Okay, it's settled.

I think there's no more
to discuss, colonel.

But the imperial Russian ship
Tushina sails tomorrow.

Bon voyage, Kuprin.
We're sailing in one week

on the S.S.
Alexander Hamilton.

And arriving one week late
in Vladivostok.

Count Sazanov
will be displeased.

He'll get over it.

Very well.

If that is what it must be,
so it must be.

Come, let us be sociable

and have a drink
of vodka, yes?

Ah!

How clumsy of me.
I've spilled my vodka.

It certainly was,

but the bartender
will bring more. Eh.

Don't bother on my account.

Vodka doesn't really agree
with me.

I think I'll concentrate
on the caviar.

Leave some for me,
eh, please.

We'll see you in a week,
captain.

Thank you for lunch.

Let's go, Rimsky.

When do we reach port?

Welcome to Vladivostok,
Mr. West.

I hope you had
a pleasant crossing.

You mean
double crossing.

I had to insist you sail
on the Tushina.

Count Sazanov would never
have understood the delay.

Where's Rimsky?

He's being made presentable
for his audience.

Count Sazanov awaits you both
at his country estate.

I'll, uh...

I'll tell all my friends
about this place.

Get in the coach.

James.

Oh, fancy meeting
you here.

How'd you get here?

I was shanghaied.

Shanghaied
like a greenhorn.

Oh, have
a pleasant crossing?

Smooth, smooth.
And you?

Well,
I wasn't seasick once.

'Course I was sick
as a dog

from having been drugged.

They've gone
to a lot of trouble.

Yeah, I guess my cousin must be
very anxious to see me.

Listen, just because
we're on Sazanov's home ground,

does that mean we have to play
according to his rules?

There's no rule
that says so.

What's it look like
from out there, Artie?

There's one Cossack
on either side.

Must be one up ahead
riding lead.

We're outflanked,

but we can retreat.

I, um, hate to make changes
in a custom-built carriage.

Oh, nonsense.

Should be
standard equipment.

Care to stop?

Thank you.

Shall we drop out?

After you.

Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Nicky.

Ha! Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Nicky!

That was very good,
Chekov,

but the object of the game
is to kill me.

And of course,
you realize what happens

to the person who does not
succeed in that endeavor,

do you not?

Gracious highness,

I promise you I will never steal
a grain again.

Please, highness.

I did it because
I was hungry.

Nicky, Feodor is back.

The carriage is just coming
around the turn.

Nevertheless, I was not unfair
with you, Chekov.

I gave you
the opportunity to kill me

in return for which
I now have the honors.

Now, dear sister,
let us welcome Feodor.

Kuprin.

Rimsky, come out.
You are home.

Rimsky.

Guards, the prisoners
have escaped!

Search the countryside!

Find them!
Bring them back!

Listen, Millard Boyer's probably
still in the house.

I better go in there
and get him.

But you keep out
of sight.

If he's not there, I may
have to exchange you after all.

Uh, there's something
you better take care of.

What's that?
Him.

Ooh.

Peasants!

Incompetent!

Surrounded by
stupid Cossacks!

If they don't find
the prisoners,

I'll have them all
sent to Alaska!

Alaska's out, count.

We bought that from you
five years ago.

Permit me
to introduce myself.

My name is James West,
special emissary

from the president
of the United States.

So, you give yourself up?

Not too soon.

My Cossacks would hunt you down
like rabbits.

Where's that idiot
Rimsky?

He'll be returned to you
tomorrow night

in accordance
with our original agreement.

I think we should discuss
the conditions

of the exchange
of prisoners.

Conditions?
You give me conditions?

I'll turn him over to you
tomorrow night at 11:00

in the middle of the bridge,
if that's all right with you.

I have counterproposal.

I shall string you up
by the thumbs

while my Cossacks
bring Rimsky to me.

You'll never find him.

Turn around!

Hello.

I'm Millard Boyer,
American vice-consul.

I'm James West.

I was sent by President Grant
to get you out of Siberia.

I see.

And who is the president sending
to rescue you?

You are all idiots
and incompetents!

Rimsky is hiding
under your very noses!

I want you to go out
into the fields,

look in the house,
look in the stable,

look under your own beds,
if you must!

Dolts, if you do not
bring Rimsky to me by lunch,

I have an ear
from each one of you!

If not by dinner,
I cut off your noses!

Count Sazanov's escapades
in St. Petersburg are legend.

The drinking bouts, gambling
for high stakes, the women.

I'm sure you get
the picture.

Sort of a playboy
of the Eastern world.

Nicky was the most popular man
in the capital

and a favorite
at the winter palace

till his gambling debts
reached 1 million rubles.

Then the czar
had to take action.

Action, as in Siberia?

Yes, but as
governor general.

It's all through graft,
protection, taxation.

Nicky was able to get
enough money to pay his debts,

but he got impatient
to get back

to the gay life
in St. Petersburg.

So he sent his cousin
to San Francisco

to shake down
the wealthy immigrants.

That's right, Mr. West.

And when Rimsky
went to prison in California,

Nicky retaliated
by arresting me

on a trumped-up charge.

Sometimes I wonder
if I'll ever get out alive.

You, come.

Mr. West, look upon me
as a friend. Confide in me.

Tell me where
you have hidden Rimsky.

I'll do better than that.

Tomorrow night, I'll give him
to you at the bridge.

Mr. West,

I cannot abide people
without heads.

So that we can still be friends,
tell me where Rimsky is.

I don't remember.

Does that jog your memory?

Very well.
Finish him off.

Your Highness,

I have returned.

Who the devil are you?

It's me, your cousin,
Feodor Rimsky,

but minus my beard.

It was shaved off
by those savages in America.

Rimsky!
Let me look at you! Ha, ha.

Yes, you look even sillier
without the beard,

if that's possible,

but welcome back!
Ha, ha!

Bublishky!

Guess who that is
talking, Rimsky.

Well, the voice
is terribly familiar,

but I can't place it
for the moment.

You hear that? His own wife
he can't remember! Ha, ha!

Bublishky.

Enough, Ana,
for the time being.

That's enough.

Where are my $5 million?

Y-y-your 5 million what?

I took great pains to free you
from prison, cousin.

I brought you
all the way home to Russia.

You are thousands of miles
from San Francisco.

I think you will tell me
where the money is.

B-b-but I was
his prisoner.

He has all my possessions.

So, Mr. West,
where is my money?

I was shanghaied.
Ask Kuprin.

I string everybody up
until you tell me.

I'm being very frank
with you, Mr. West.

Until my debts are paid,

I am barred
from St. Petersburg.

That is why I sent
Cousin Feodor to America,

to raise
a million rubles.

Uh, didn't cousin Feodor
oversubscribe?

I think you mentioned
something like $5 million.

One million, five million,
the fact is,

I haven't seen a penny of it.

Let's not bicker over
the sordid details, Mr. West.

You tell me where
Rimsky has hidden it,

and we'll be friends, eh?

Can we be friends for $17?

Because that's all
your cousin had on him,

unless he's trying to pull
a fast one.

Never.
Feodor is a cousin.

Cain was a brother.

Feodor is a coward.

Well, let's get him down here
and put it to him.

Tonight? Take him away
from his wife?

Mm. Yes, that would be inhuman,
wouldn't it?

Of course. They've been apart
for more than a year.

We Russians are sentimental.

Nicky says
I can't untie you

unless you tell
where the money is.

Let him have the money, Feodor.

We have...each other.

Oh, but Anastasia, dar-
Darling...

Shh. We have the whole night
to celebrate your return.

And look, Feodor,

champagne.

Oh, that was
a very good year.

I remember it well.

That's very thoughtful.
You remembered.

Of course, darling.

You, me,
the balalaikas playing.

I don't remember any balalaikas.

Where there is you,

there is music.

Oh.

All right, Feodor.

Oh.

So don't tell Nicky
about the money.

I don't care.

Oh, thank you,
Anastarinka.

Just- Just tell your little
snowflake where the money is.

But Anastasinka, darling,

my purest glittering
quartz crystal,

light of my life, I can't.

Who you are, I don't know,
and I don't care.

But you know
where the money is,

and you will tell me or-

Aah!

They are Russian,
and they are very much in love.

They're twice blessed.

Aah!

Nicky!

What's wrong?

Him.

Feodor?

He's a stranger.

Impossible.
He's only been away a year.

I mean
a complete stranger.

He's not even Feodor.

Mr. West.

Mr. Boyer, I'd like you
to meet my, uh,

partner, Artemus Gordon.

How do you do?

Young man, have you come
to rescue me too?

Yeah, that, uh, was
the idea, yes.

If President Grant
sends enough men,

we may yet outnumber
the Cossacks.

How does the situation
appear now?

Bleak. Nicky doesn't know it,
but Rimsky's dead.

Artie came along
in his place.

My guards tell me
there's a controversy

over some money.
Five million dollars?

That's right.

It's still in America.

It is?

Yeah, remember the last night
we were in San Francisco?

Yeah, when Rimsky tried
to escape.

Mm-hm. We didn't know why
or where he was headed.

I suspect the money
is in the back room

of the Russian-American
warehouse.

Have you told this
to Count Sazanov?

No. I didn't know
how he'd take it.

Well, there's only one way
he can take it. He's lost.

I'm no longer
of any value to him.

He'll release me now.
All of us.

Are you sure
about that?

Well, what's his alternative?

He could just
kill you.

He could just kill
all of us.

Nonsense. If nothing else,
Nicky is a practical man.

Once he realizes
the money is out of reach...

I'm gonna tell him.

Guard! Guard!

You think it'll work?

It's worth a try.

Open up the door.

I demand an audience
with Count Sazanov at once.

Think you can
open that again?

Ah, it's a piggy bank.

Good. We'll let him get
downstairs,

and then we'll follow him.

If Nicky has a sense of humor,
we'll buy him a drink.

If not, we'll grab Boyer
and make for the border.

Any border.

Tea?

Mm, I think something
a bit stronger, Nicky.

I deserve it.

For what?

Oh, for finding out

what happened
to the, uh, $5 million.

They told you?

Ha, ha. Of course.

Those nice young men confide
all their little secrets

in Uncle Millard.

And the money
can be recovered?

Easily.

It's hidden in the back room

of the Russian-American
import company warehouse

in San Francisco.

Magnificent!

My friend,
this calls for a drink.

I'll go to San Francisco,
recover the money,

and send you your half.

Old friend, you have
a truly Russian soul.

Riddle inside a mystery
wrapped in an enigma.

Between us,
we could make history.

Mm-hm. Yes, we do work
well together.

Come to St. Petersburg
with me.

I really should let them have
that satisfaction.

Maybe later.

I'll have my cousin
the czar request

you be appointed ambassador
to Russia.

Stay here.

Your Highness,

we caught these men listening
at the door.

How much
did you hear?

Um, not a thing.
Nothing.

I think
they know everything.

Now you have to come
to St. Petersburg with me.

No.

You can't go
to Washington now.

Either I can't,

or they can't.

And I don't intend
to be put out.

Nicky, I think an execution
is in order.

It's only
an hour till dawn.

Gentlemen, now that I have
my own resources,

I can reasonably hope for
an ambassadorship someday soon,

provided the president never
learns about my little, uh,

peccadillo.

I don't suppose
I can rely on your silence.

I don't suppose so, no.

Then I really have
no alternative.

You do understand that,
don't you?

Oh, we understand,
all right.

We're still gonna hold
a grudge.

My compliments, gentlemen.
Die well.

Kuprin and Anastasia
will see that you are buried

with appropriate honors.

So much for the United States
of America.

Now to proceed
to San Francisco

and explore
a certain warehouse.

Boyer, that's a very
good idea,

but you don't
really believe

that I would actually share
$5 million

with somebody else,
do you?

I eat peasants
for breakfast, Boyer.

Why should you
be any different?

No!

We shall start with you first,
I think, Mr. West.

Goodbye.

Uh, before you bid me goodbye,
may I, uh-

May I ask a question?

If it is short.

Uh, yes. Yes it is.

There's a game
that you Russians play

with a pistol
and a bullet.

Could you tell me
what that is?

Yes, I'll be very happy to.

Better I will demonstrate.

First you remove all
the bullets from the chamber,

but one.

So.

Then you spin
the chamber,

and then you play the game.

Are we taking turns?

Uh, before it's my turn again,

I wonder
whether I could make a, uh-

A very small request of you.

If it is within reason.

Oh, yes, uh...

See, uh,

look, I don't know
whether, uh,

Anastasia will
remember this,

but last night,

uh, when we were alone
in her room,

uh, she and I- Before I was
unmasked, you understand,

when she still thought
I was her husband...

She's very beautiful.

It must have been
a beautiful moment.

Oh.

Uh, I've always lived
for love,

so it seems only fitting
that I-

If this has to be-

That I die with her kiss
on my lips.

How romantic, Mr. Gordon.

I'll ask her.
Thank you.

Keep stalling, Artie,
I'm just about finished.

Anastasia.

Anastasinka, you don't mind?

No, little snowflake.

If I can make
the balalaikas play for you

one last time,

it is little enough.

Cut him loose.

Now!

Come on, Annie,
we're going to the barn.

You're gonna come
with us.

Get up here.

...Vladivostok.

You'll have to talk plainer
than that, sonny.

I can't understand a word
you're saying.

What is that, Paiute?

No, uh, Russian.

Say, wh-?
What's a desert rat like you

doing out here
in Siberia, old-timer?

Where?

Here. Siberia.

Well, maybe that's where
you are, but me,

I like it right here
where I am.

And where would that be,
old-timer?

Well, near as I can figure,

just about halfway between
the Russian river settlement

and San Francisco.

San Francisco,

U.S.A.?

Well, is there another?

Well, I told you
it would be difficult

getting to Vladivostok
from here.

Your people certainly went
to a great deal of trouble,

didn't they?

Drugging us,
carrying us aboard ship,

going through all that
complicated rigamarole

to make it seem like
we'd taken a long, long trip.

And to get
the $5 million.

And why not?

It is convertible into
a lovely lot of rubles.

Artie, I think I know
where that money is.

You take the young lady
to the courthouse

in the federal building
in San Francisco.

I have to move fast.

Why don't you take me in
yourself, Mr. West?

Or perhaps
I'm too much for you.

Like I said, Artie,

take the lady back
to San Francisco.

Come on, Snowflake.
Let's get out of here.

It's getting
too darned crowded for me.

Welcome.

You are veritably
the last person

I expected
to meet tonight.

Then Kuprin isn't
the executioner you thought.

You win that round.

Now what do you propose?

I propose

to place you
under arrest.

The charges?

Well, the murder
of Millard Boyer.

Oh, that.

Plus blackmail,

extortion.

But did you and Artie really
get fooled into thinking

you were being shipped all the
way out to little old Siberia?

Yes, at the time,
that's what me thought. Mm-hm.

But, I mean,
it's just purely impossible

fooling you that way,

making you think you were
on a month-long sea voyage.

Oh, believe me,
dear lovely ladies,

they did it very,
very shrewdly

with a complete collection
of sounds, sights,

movements, all designed
to make us feel

we were right
on the high seas.

And they only had
to do their act

the few times
we came out of a drugged sleep.

But the funniest thing

was having Jim
in a barber chair

when he woke up,
as though they'd just shaved off

a month-long
growth of beard.

And by a barber
who could only have existed

in a place like Sib-

Uh, girls,
someone once said

that a picture is worth
a thousand words.

I think that was
little old Confucius.

So it was.

Uh-huh. Well, anyway,
Artie and I

are about to show you
a demonstration,

to show both of you
how you can be fooled.

Now, girls,
look at the sphere.

We are about
to take you

to the greatest social event
of our time.

Now concentrate.

Concentrate on the ball.

Con...cen...trate.

Concentrate.

Concentrate.