All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West - 02x11 - The Night of the Ready-Made Corpse.Unspecified.English.updated.Addic7ed.com

Your Excellency.
Welcome to Wickenberg, sir.

Well, good morning,
James.

Hi, Artie.
Anything happening?

Oh,
same old thing.

Just a different town.
Thank you.

As I was saying,
Colonel Pellargo,

welcome to Wickenberg.

You're very capable.
Your name?

My name is James West,

and this is my partner
Artemus Gordon.

Assigned to me
by your government?

That's right, sir.

I approve.

I trust you will forgive
my men.

They were only trying to keep me
from being murdered.

Well, if that's what I had
on my mind,

I could have murdered
you easily.

And if you had,
Mr. West,

there'd be no harm done,
would there?

A double,

or should I say
a lightning rod?

If you prefer.

But a lightning rod

who is handsomely paid
for the risks he takes.

Very ingenious.
You had me fooled.

Pellargo has many people fooled,
Mr. West,

which is why Pellargo

is still listed
among the living, eh?

Sir? Your Excellency?

Fifteen minutes
is all I can give you.

Work fast
and efficiently.

Yes, sir, Your Excellency.
Yes, sir.

An old custom
in my country:

A portrait
of its ruler

to be distributed
amongst the people.

As a substitute for bread?

I like you, Mr. West.

You say what you think.

My country, alas, is poor.

We cannot afford
both portraits and bread.

So your people get portraits.

Why not?

My people
are completely dedicated

to two basic objectives.

The first is eking out

a wretched
hand-to-mouth existence,

and the second-

Trying to assassinate you.

From time to time, yes.

I'm a reasonable man.

I'm willing to grant them
the first,

but never the second.

Hold it, sir.
Hold it.

Where'd he go?

He disappeared
into thin air...

or thick walls.

He was kind enough
to leave a souvenir behind,

complete with bloodstains.

Ah.

Good evening, Mr. Antille.
You're a few moments late.

My arm is hurting.

Yes, well, I can see
you've got a wound there,

and I'll take care of it
for you.

Uh, the blood. Uh, don't drop it
on the carpet

because it gives the mourners
a very bad impression.

Um, will you follow me,
please?

Oh, uh, you just,
uh, sit down here

on the table, will you,
please?

It's not a very
comfortable table, but then,

very few of my clients
complain about it.

Now...

Oh, it hurts, does it?

Yes.

Well, let me see that.

Well, you're very fortunate,
you know.

That's just a flesh wound.

We'll have that taken care of
right away.

There.

I trust you accomplished
your mission tonight, hmm?

I always do.

Why should this job
be an exception?

Heh-heh-heh! Well,
very good, very good.

Very good.
Congratulations.

Well, that being done,

I suppose it remains now
only for me

to fulfill
the little service

that you and I
contracted for, eh?

The agent guarding Pellargo
came after me.

I suppose they'll soon
be searching the whole area.

Uh, yes.
I anticipated that.

And so we have accommodations
provided for you right here.

I'll show you.

Here you have
our slumber wall.

Ooh, sorry, old boy.
Occupied.

Voilà, as they say
in Paris, France.

Must it be there?

Oh, well, really, this is
the safest place, you know,

in case of a search.

And our other guests
will never disturb your rest.

♪ She wheeled a wheelbarrow ♪

♪ Through the streets
Broad and narrow ♪

♪ Singing cockles and mussels ♪

♪ Alive, alive, oh ♪

♪ She was a fishmonger
And sure 'twas no wonder ♪

♪ For her father and mother
Were fishmongers too ♪

♪ Now, they wheeled
Their wheelbarrow ♪

♪ Through streets
Broad and narrow ♪

♪ Singing ♪

♪ Cockles and mussels ♪

♪ Alive, alive ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Alive ♪

♪ Oh ♪

There was no reason for you
to come to me, Señora Pellargo.

I would have gladly
come to you.

I wanted to walk.

Walls in my room were beginning
to close in on me.

What did you wish
to see me about?

I've been entrusted to deliver
this telegram to you

from the president
of the United States.

An official expression
of sorrow?

Sympathy? Heartfelt condolences?
Am I correct?

Will that bring back
my husband

or bring his murderer
to justice?

I'm sorry, señora,

but you might be
interested to know

we've identified
your husband's murderer.

Who is he?

Claudio Antille,
assassin,

courtesy
of Washington's file

of international
wanted criminals.

Portrait of a murderer.

The United States has been made
to look responsible

for your husband's death.

How is it possible
that this man

has accomplished
what he set out to do?

Antille is, in his own way,
very capable.

Think of his preparation.

He arrived
only two months ago,

set up his shop
as a photographer

under an assumed name.

And then he waited
patiently until-

Oh, excuse me, señora.

Can I see you
for a minute, Jim?

What is it? Antille?

He's been found.

Oh, thank heaven.

What does a murderer say
when he is caught?

In this case, nothing.

He's dead.

Are you sure
you feel up to this?

I want to do it.

It'll be painful.

So was the loss
of my husband.

I want to see
his murderer.

Ah, good day.

Can I be of assistance to you
in your hour of sadness?

Are you in charge here?

Yes, I'm Fabian Lavendor,
the director.

You have a body here

presumed to be
that of Claudio Antille.

Oh, yes, that one.
Yes, we have him here.

How does he happen
to be here?

Well, that was irregular,
but the men who found him

simply said this was
the nearest available place,

so I could hardly
turn them away.

I notified the police
very soon after.

Who brought him in?

They were two laborers.

They declined
to give their names.

And I have no authority to force
that kind of information.

They left rather quickly
before I had a chance

to discover the bullet wound
in the departed.

You made
the identification?

Yes, from some papers
in the coat and a- A letter.

I'll get them for you.

Uh, are you and madam
related to the deceased?

The, uh, señora is the widow
of the man Antille killed.

Oh, I see. Well, I'm-
I'm very sorry.

My sympathies,
and if I can be

of professional service
to the señora, why-

It's been taken care of,
thank you.

May we see the body,
please?

Of course. He's reposing
right here in the chapel,

so if you'll step
this way.

So that's the monster.

Could you please take care
of the señora for a moment?

Yes, of course.
Come this way, señora.

We've got
some smelling salts.

Oh, no more, please.
I'm quite all right now.

I'm sorry to have kept
you waiting,

but I had to be positive.
I'll have to keep these papers.

Yes, of course.
About the financial...

I'll see that the government
reimburses you.

Fine. Mm-hmm.

Sorry, old boy.

I had hoped to send you off
with a little pomp and ceremony,

however...

Artemus...

Gordon.

There.

Case closed
and report completed.

Sign on the dotted line,
Jim.

Something still bothers me.
Like what?

I don't know exactly.
I still keep wondering

how Antille got out
of that blind alley.

What difference does it make?
He's dead.

Wonder why.

Well, the coroner's report says

because of unseemly familiarity
with a bullet.

Our job's finished.

Is it?

Look, what's eating you,
Jim?

Antille killed Pellargo.
He tried to kill you, then me,

finally wound up
as your target.

What if it wasn't Antille's body
in that coffin?

How could it not be?

You recognized his face,
didn't you?

I did.

His wallet and papers
are authentic.

The scars on his body match
the description in the dossier,

ditto the cuff link I found.

Everything you say is correct.

Well, then what more
do you want?

I wanna check
the missing persons file.

All right, Jim,
now it's my turn to ask.

Why?

Because, Artie,

things aren't always
what they seem to be.

Look here, Lavendor,

I've been going out
of my mind.

Oh, now, now, now, you mustn't
do that, Mr. Antille.

We must avoid that
at all costs.

These mummy wrappings,

how much longer
do I have to wear them?

Well, not any longer,
Mr. Antille,

I'm happy to tell you.

You mean you're going
to take them off now?

Yes, that's exactly
what I mean.

Now, if you'll seat yourself
in that chair.

Please, go ahead.

I'm going to remove
these wrappings,

and unveil the new you.

Now...

Here we are.

Wait.

What if I don't like
the new me?

Ah, well, I'm afraid
you have no choice.

I mean to say,
the old you

is wanted by the police
for murder. Mm-hm.

Yes, you're- You're right,
of course. I-

I just got panicked there
for a moment.

Well, it's perfectly normal,
I assure you.

I had a client once,
an Albanian knife artist

who was wanted
for multiple murders.

Why, he broke down
and wept uncontrollably

at the very moment
that you're facing now.

And?
Oh, happy ending.

Fell in love with the new face
I provided for him.

He became a distinguished
importer in Cairo,

traveled widely
with the best circle.

He even sent me
a few clients.

Now one moment.

I don't believe it.

I'm a different person.

Uh, you are
Charles Kobles Stevens,

to be precise,

a dealer in lithographs
and etchings.

Uh, now, I have here
your papers:

identification, passport,
steamship tickets.

You're to leave the country
within three days.

Well, it's fantastic.

Mr. Lavendor,
you're a real artist.

Why...

Oh, uh, Golo.

I don't believe
you've met, eh, Golo.

He's in charge
of field operations,

that is to say,
the acquisition of bodies.

It was he who recognized
the suitability

of the double that we, uh,
a-acquired for you.

You did a wonderful job.

Who was he?

Uh, who?
The double.

Oh, his name
was Toby Murphy,

a man who'll never be missed,

an obscure kind of
a carousing Irishman. Mmm.

That's telling 'em.

Whoa, happy chappers.

You think
this is the place?

Could there be
another like it?

Sure, now,

two fine gentlemen
like yourselves

will be wanting
a private booth, I'll bet?

Oh, pick up the jackpot,
Colleen. You win.

Take the one
over there,

and I'll be along
in two shakes.

Well...

how'd you ever find a nice,
quiet little pub like this?

Beginner's luck.

There now. That'll keep you
from dying of thirst

while you decide
on what you'd like to drink.

Thank you, Rose.

Oh, do I know you?

I could have sworn
I never forget a face,

especially such nice faces

as the both of your own.

No, we haven't met, Rose.

We're here about
the missing persons report

you filed on your father.

Do you know where
himself has gone?

No, but we'd like
to help you find him.

Federal-
Federal government, is it?

Oh, I had no idea me father
was that important.

Well, it could turn out
that he is.

How long
has he been missing?

Four days now.

Dropped out of sight
like a stone in a bog.

Well, did he do that often,
just not show up?

Never for any longer
than it took him

to find his way home again.

A day or so at most.

Have you any recent pictures
of your father?

Ha, ha! No.

He always tells me,
"It's a waste of money

when you've got meself
to look at all the while."

We've got the description
you filed with the report.

Is there anything
you'd care to add,

anything that might help us
with the identification?

Scars, marks?

There was one little thing
I didn't put in the report,

for no one
could ever notice.

But he's missing
the little toe

on his right foot.

Is he, now?

How did that happen?

At the St. Patrick's Day
festival

two years ago.

A random beer keg
happened to fall on his foot.

At the time,
he hardly noticed.

We want Rose.

Oh.

Going, are you?
You should stay.

The place livens up a little bit
later in the evening.

It's a shame we have
to miss it, but, uh-

We have to visit
an old friend minus one toe.

Alas, poor Yorick!

I knew him Horatio:

a fellow
of infinite jest.

Artie.

Over here.

All right, Jim.
Let's settle this

Murphy-Antille body-switch
theory of yours right now.

Artie.

Well, that was
careless of 'em,

leaving the door open
like that.

Wasn't it?

Well, four toes,

which proves beyond
a shadow of a doubt

that it's Toby Murphy.

Here.
Forget the lock pick, Artie.

It's jammed.

I don't suppose
there's any doubt about it.

No, Rose.
I'm sorry. None.

Sure.

That's just like
the old man.

He used
to cage drinks

by pretending to be
the Lord Mayor of Dublin.

Now he's
impersonated himself

into the wrong grave.

There's more to it
than that, Rose.

I don't know how it happened.
I promise I'm gonna find out.

I don't suppose
there was a wake.

No.

Oh!

Well, that's
a sad thought. He...

He always wanted
a grand wake, a-

A four-alarm riot
of a wake.

Oh, he'll be sorry
to have missed that.

Rose, I may need your help
in this investigation,

and it may mean
some danger to you.

Oh, I don't mind that.

And what about
a headstone?

Is the old man going
to go through eternity

with the wrong name
over his head?

We'll arrange for
the kind of headstone

that he would have approved of
after the case is cleared up.

In the meantime,
it's an absolute necessity

that you don't
mention this to a soul.

Fabian Lavendor, proprietor,
at your service.

Oh...

I would like
to arrange a funeral.

Oh, certainly.
Certainly.

Is the, uh, need
immediate?

Very pressing.

I see. I see.
A member of the family, hmm?

Someone, eh,
very close to me.

Oh, too bad. Too bad.

Well, please accept
my sincere condolences.

If you'd care
to be seated, why,

we could discuss the various
arrangements possible.

I would prefer to examine
your facilities as we talk,

if you don't mind.
Oh, fine. Fine.

Well, you're standing in
our chapel here at the moment.

You'll notice the decor
is nondenominational. It's-

Oh, incidentally, what, eh,
denomination is the deceased?

He's not dead...yet.

Oh, I-I thought you said-

Very soon.

Oh, very soon.

Yeah, well,
in that case,

the, uh, prospective client,
uh...

Uh, is of
the masculine gender?

Yes. Does it matter?

Oh, no.
No, not at all.

It's just that, uh,
members of the gentler sex,

bless their dear
memories,

they just require more
extensive preparation.

Even in final repose,
you know,

appearance is
a primary concern.

The rest of your facilities,
if you don't mind?

Yes, fine. Fine.

If you just
step this way,

why, I'll show you
to our slumber room.

Thank you.

Eh. Mm-hm.
Very nice little workshop.

Well, my staff
hasn't arrived yet.

Otherwise,
I could show you

some of the technical
functions that we perform,

or are you interested in
that sort of thing at all?

Oh, profoundly.

Oh. Well, I can assure you

that everything will be done
that can be done

to provide for a glorious life
in the hereafter.

I am far more concerned

with a glorious life
in the here and now.

Uh, perhaps we ought to be
just a little bit

more specific
about the client.

I mean to say,
who is he?

Oh, that's
an interesting face.

Friend or relative
or, uh...?

Take a close look at me.

Well, lookie here.

Very neat.
Very effective.

Well, of course,
Mr. Link,

I could simply
notify the police.

Well, you could, of course,
also lose a lovely, fat fee.

Who sent you?

Oh, no.

No, the contact
who recommended you

swore me to secrecy.

Eh, quite understandably,

he'd prefer that his present
identity remain unknown.

Yeah, well, I can't quite
swallow that, Mr. Link-

I'll tell you why.
-because I keep rather-

Rather extensive files
on all my alterations,

so I'd have to know
who he was, wouldn't I?

Ah.
Yeah. So, uh,

I ask you once again,

who sent you to me?

Well, I'm sorry,
but, uh...

I promised my friend

that I wouldn't mention
his name,

but, uh...

I'm quite sure that, uh,
you know him by his nickname.

I never had any client
with a nick-

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You couldn't mean Jim,
could you? Jim the dodger?

Oh, ho-ho, you're a clever man,
Mr. Lavendor.

Jim the dodger.

Well...

He still running
Liverpool to suit himself?

The best.

Señora Pellargo.

You're leaving?

Is there any reason
for me to stay...

here, of all places?

I wish to continue
my husband's work

and to work
for his political party

and try to repair the damage
that has been done

to relations between
our two countries by his death.

Now, that's a very
courageous plan, señora,

but have you thought about
the personal danger involved?

Your husband's dedication
to certain objectives

got him killed.

Well, that was the act
of a single misguided fanatic.

That man is dead.

What if I were to tell you

that Claudio Antille
is not dead?

Oh...
Well, that's absurd.

I saw his body
with my own eyes. So did you.

I think we were both deceived,
señora.

I hope to prove
in a few days

there was a conspiracy
to fake his death.

Till then, I'd like to provide
a guard for you

as long as you're here.
Oh, no.

Thank you.
He would just be in my way.

But señora...

I would prefer to hear no more
about it, Mr. West.

Good day, señora.

I have a dreadful feeling
your nosy Mr. West

is going to force me
to kill him.

You brought the money?

In small bills,
as requested.

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

All right.

This way.

Now...

Ah!

Will you step this way,
please, Mr. Link?

Well, thank you. You know,
I'm really quite impressed.

It's much quicker service
than I expected.

Ha, ha!
Well, we aim to satisfy.

Now, would you remove
your outer garments?

Finley, uh, help Mr. Link with
the final processing, please.

Of course.

Thank you.

Ah, as regards the seating,

should we anticipate
many mourners?

I like to think so, yes.

Mostly lovely young ladies,

sobbing incontrollably.

Ah, an epitaph.
Have you considered an epitaph?

How about...

"gone to a higher court"?

Mr. Link, you're a devil.
Heh-heh-heh!

Well, I think that, uh,
covers just about everything,

except for the final step.

Thank you.

You know, I had no idea dying
could be so entertaining.

The entertainment
is just about to begin.

Oh, good.
Heh-heh-heh! Uh, Golo?

Uh, anything the matter,
gentlemen?

Uh, just that final step
I mentioned to you before.

You see, very soon,
you're gonna put aside

this burdensome identity.

In short, you will
cease to be Artemus Gordon,

secret agent for
the United States government.

I just had one of those
nagging suspicions

that something's gone wrong.

Mr. Gordon in trouble?

Poor lad.

Which jail?

Oh, worse than
any jail, Rose.

Mr. Gordon is, uh,
in an undertaking establishment.

Last night,
he didn't show up.

Anyway, Rose,

what I need now
is the help I asked you for.

You're on.

What do you want done?

And what rascal
do you want it done to?

Oh, no, Rose.
Nothing like that.

Can you play
a grieving widow?

Faith.

Me,

who hasn't even gotten around
to being a wife yet?

I wanna locate
Lavendor's files,

and Rose,
I want you to keep him

as busy as possible
in the front office,

while I go around
to the back and-

And Rose?
Huh?

I think I just
figured out the back door

to Lavendor's
funeral emporium.

Have you now?

There was blood
on this poster.

I distinctly remember

Artemus rubbing
his fingers across it.

Poor Patrick!

Me own devoted husband,

gone to his untimely reward.
Yes, well, now, dear-

What a good and gentle lad
he was too,

except when
he'd had a few.

Uh, madam,
I think you should try to-

I do believe
I'm going to faint.

No, don't.
Everything is going dark.

Finley! Bring some water! Ohhh.

Come over here
to the sofa, madam, and-

Poor...

poor Patrick.

He's gone.

Ohhh!

Throw water on her.

Artie, you in there?

Jim? Glad you could make it.

Ahem. Don't worry, Artie,
I'll get you out.

Don't wait too long.

I'm scheduled
for an early departure.

Gotta find those files.
Any clues?

The chapel.
Try there.

Right.

Artie, don't go away.

Oh! Poor Sean.

He's dead.

I thought you said
his name was Patrick.

Oh? Oh! Oh, uh...

Uh, well, Patrick's me husband,
and Sean's me-

Me brother.

They were both
in the same accident.

Oh.

What a terrible
double loss.

Terrible.

Terrible! Terrible!

Yes, madam, you-

Get some
smelling salts!

Quickly. We've gotta get her
out of here.

What?

Well, search
the entire place. Go on!

Enough.

I'm- I'm all right now.

Good.
I'm sorry, madam,

but you'll have
to leave at once.

Ah. But what about me-
Me dear departed ones?

Yes, well,
try some funeral parlor

that specializes
in hysterics.

See if I ever bring you
any more business, you-

You glorified taxidermist!

What's the matter with you?

Eh? What's the matter
with you?

Oh...

yeah.

You better quit sampling
that formaldehyde.

You hear me?

I've changed my mind.

I thought it all over,

and I want my money back.

Oh, I'm afraid that'll be
impossible, Mr. Gordon.

You see, you're going to be
doubly useful now.

As it happens, we have
an order for a body

exactly your size.
Mm-hmm.

You mean I'm subbing
for some crook at his funeral?

Yes. Exactly.

Your last official act
will be to provide

a new life
for a vicious criminal.

I hope you find that
as amusing as I do.

Oh, yes, I can hardly
keep from laughing.

Uh, Finley,
bring Mr. Gordon's coffin now.

Here we are.
Mm-hm.

And now,
Mr. Gordon...

goodbye.

What took you so long?

I was kinda cozy
in there.

Must have dozed off.
You weren't worried, were you?

Because I was being strangled?
Of course not.

It's going to be quiet
around here now.

We better take a look
at Lavendor's files.

You mean
you found them?

Not only
did I find them,

I did some browsing
on my own,

and I found
that the old boy

has been blackmailing
his customers too.

Well...

nice of him
to keep these up-to-date.

Yes, very thoughtful.
About the only detail left out

is where Antille
is headed.

And I'll be glad
to supply that data.

It occurred to me
that I might find

you and your colleague here.

That's not a very good
disguise, Antille.

It has proved
adequate so far,

and anyone
who might question it

will very soon
be dead.

Into the other room.
Quickly.

You two did a remarkable job.

Too bad it has to be spoiled
at the last moment.

Now I know how you managed
to stay one jump ahead of us:

the devoted
Señora Pellargo.

Devoted to Mr. Antille.

Well, you should know,
gentlemen,

a woman never does anything
for political reasons.

I'm delighted
to see you, Antille.

Now I want you to shoot
these two men.

Get rid of them now.

Precisely why I returned.

You see, gentlemen,

in my job,
loose ends are not only messy,

but also dangerous.

How do you feel
about blackmail?

Don't believe him,
Antille.

What do you mean,
blackmail?

I mean, that quaint
little operation

that, uh, Mr. Lavendor
has been running

at the expense
of his clients.

He's the most imaginative liar
I've ever met in my life.

I wouldn't-

Antille, now, don't
believe him.

Now- Now, wait a minute, now.

The truth is, I may have
dabbled a little bit.

The files, they were there.
Why not? It didn't matter.

It was something
on the side.

But with yours, never.
Never, Antille.

Now, don't do it.
Don't do it.

All right, gentlemen,

throw the records down.

Let's have a nice, big
blazing bonfire, shall we?

Darling...

strike a match.

No, wait. Wait.
Let's make it a big blaze.

Mr. West...

throw alcohol
over those records.

Oh!

Oh.

Just how long
did you expect me

to wait out there
in the carriage for you?

Rose, please.
No violence.

Well, Rose,
thanks to you

we'll be rounding up a lot
of infamous criminals.

And there'll be a reward
for helping capture

Antille
and the Lavendor gang.

Ah, it'll be
reward enough for me

to get the proper Christian
headstone over me father.

I do feel like
celebrating that.

Good. Then tonight,
when you finish work-

Uh, he took the words out
from between my very teeth.

You're a fine pair of lads,

the both of you.

But I've already got
an engagement.

Oh, but, Rose,
consider.

We're not mere men

we're men of the law
and justice.

And here comes
me boyfriend now.

That's what
I call a lawman.

I'll, uh- I'll drink
to that, Rose.