Original subtitles

Oh, smell that, huh?

What?

That air.

It's as invigorating as a bottle

of the finest chilled bubbly.

And this- Ah.

You know we are, Jim?

Uh...

"Justice, Nevada, population 132."

Wrong. We are in the heartland of America.

Serene, unhurried, far from the madding throng.

All right,

you jaspers get off your horses,

real nice and easy-like.

Uh, sheriff,

I know this doesn't sound very original,

but don't you have us confused with two others?

Sam.

Them are the two road agents, all right.

Bloodthirsty murdering varmints.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

We all know how you feel,

but we're gonna handle this

strictly according to the book.

All right, you two, this way.

Bring 'em along, boys.

What were you saying about this town, Artie?

Quiet, unhurried.

I sure was wrong, wasn't I?

What do you suppose they've got in mind?

I don't know.

I've got a wild idea.

Sam.

This is an old-fashioned necktie party.

And whereas you two sidewinders

went and committed armed robbery

of the Elkhart camelback stagecoach,

and whereas,

in the commission of said robbery,

you two committed mayhem,

pistol whippin' and murder.

Therefore,

I sentence you both to hang by the neck.

Don't do it, sheriff.

You know, I've seen some bad sports in my time,

but you two-

You two are the all-fired,

low-downest absolute limit.

You know, I think I must have come in late, Jim.

Weren't these gentlemen doing their best to hang us

just a couple of minutes ago?

That was the impression I got.

Hang you?

Is that what you thought we were aiming to do?

Sam, go.

You mean to tell me

that all of this Danny Deever bit

back here was just...

Play acting. Just play acting.

And all in the spirit of fun,

as anyone in his right mind ought to have seen.

Sam.

"Whereas this thriving community of justice-"

All right.

All right, now, let's don't run it, plumb into the ground.

"Whereas the thriving community of Justice

"is now equipped to cope with any crime problem

"by said community,

"having gone and hired itself

"a first-class sheriff-" to wit, me.

"And whereas

"it's been a long time since there's been any call

"for a town celebration.

"Therefore, this week is hereby officially proclaimed

"as Law and Order Week in Justice, Nevada."

And since you two varmints-

I-I mean, you two gents

were the first to come by

since the town justice passed the rulin'...

The key to the city.

Mm-hm.

Uh...

Ladies and gentlemen, we...

we're sorry.

We really wanna thank you very much

for this, uh, signal honor.

My friend and I are really deeply

touched by...

Artie, I think, uh,

I think we hurt their feelings.

You know,

it's the free sarsaparilla that always gets me.

Look, we're on vacation anyway.

What do you say we just spend a day or two

right here at Justice?

Bingo, dancing in the streets.

How can we go wrong?

Disp�nseme, se�or.

Oh, you will please excuse me, se�ores.

Of course.

What's the matter?

Uh, nothing.

You know, I-I have a sneaky feeling

I've seen that gentleman someplace before.

The question is where.

Yeah, me, too.

That's why I stayed turned away.

Not a very comfortable feeling, either.

Artie, I'm famished.

What do you say we-?

Artie.

Artie.

Hmm?

What?

Listen to me.

Don't move.

Okay.

I'm awake and I'm not moving.

Now what?

And if your head should itch-

It doesn't itch.

Good, then don't scratch.

Now it itches.

There's something on the pillow, Artie,

next to your head.

What is it?

Well, let's say it's smaller than a breadbox

and larger than a tsetse fly.

Would it be likely to be used equally by both men and women?

Forget it, Artie.

I-I'm gonna count to three,

and then I want you to roll off that bed.

One.

Two.

Three.

I must say that's a rather interesting way

to wake up from a nap.

Now that it's all over, what was that?

Now, that was a tarantula.

A ta- A ta- A tarantula.

I think, uh, your furry friend

has solved the question

of who the gentleman was that we bumped into.

You mean, eh...?

Mm-hmm.

Gallito.

Latin America's contribution

to the world of sudden death.

The number-one killer wherever Spanish is spoken.

He is wanted in just about

every Latin American country in the world.

His trademark is the tarantula.

You all finished, Jim?

I think I can match you in spades.

I'm listening.

How about Cyrill the Firebug,

king of the oiled-soaked rag and the well-placed candle.

Also wanted by the police of several continents

for a few hundred fires of mysterious origin.

What a coincidence.

A top professional killer and Mr. Fire himself,

both in Justice, Nevada.

And both of 'em wearing mourning bands on their sleeves.

Hey, Jim, do my eyes deceive me, or is that, uh,

Snakes Tolliver in the procession?

That's Snakes, all right.

The guy playing caboose is, uh, mm-hm, little Pinto.

Sergei from Minsk in Russia?

Brutus the Bonebreaker, scourge of the Caribbean?

About the only criminals

I don't see in that procession that are well-known,

are Ascot Sam from New York, Irish Mantell

and the Seattle Fire Kid.

Listen, uh,

I know we're supposed to be on vacation,

but do you think it might be

in the interest of national security

if we were to find out who might have died

to bring such a jolly crew together?

Definitely, Artie.

I'm gonna fire off a telegram to Washington

and try and find out what this is all about.

Hey, you do that.

I'll stay here and keep my eyes peeled.

Oh, howdy, mister.

What can I do for you?

Uh, I must say you run

a great little one-man town here.

Uh, I take that very kindly of you-

Unforgivably careless of me, gentlemen.

I dropped my gun.

I do hope no one was injured.

Butterfingers. Now see here, Mr.-

Jones, Robert Jones of Kenosha, Wisconsin.

Well, see what you done when you dropped that gun?

Now, I'm gonna bill you for the cost of replacing it.

Oh, but my dear sheriff, I would insist on that myself.

Now if you'd be good enough to tell me the amount...

I'm impounding this gun too,

until after the celebration

and yours too.

You two just don't realize

how dangerous these weapons can be.

Oh, yeah, and that trick derringer

you got up your sleeve there

while we're at it.

Sheriff, can you tell me

where I can find the nearest telegraph?

Grandford Junction.

That's 40 miles right square dab due west of here,

but I wouldn't depend on any-

Out of my way, butterfingers.

Uh...

Our horses, I believe.

Ain't no argument about that, mister.

As deputy sheriff,

I'm just impounding 'em, that's all.

You people sure go in

for a lot of impounding around here.

No livestock allowed on the street

during our big celebration.

That's a special ordinance

passed by the town counsel and the mayor.

I see. Well, that's just fine.

Because when I talk to the mayor,

I'll see that this ordinance is...

No. No, don't tell me.

Yep, I'm the mayor of Justice too.

Receipt for two horses, gentlemen.

Tsk.

Oh, another receipt for another gun.

It is a sad business, se�or.

Death is always sad,

but when it comes to an old friend...

Might I have a last glimpse of the dear departed?

Oh, alas, the coffin is sealed.

We meet again.

Small world, isn't it?

Practically microscopic.

What is it, Brutus?

Our friend here likes to send telegrams to Washington.

I can't help wondering why.

Let's find out.

Why?

Oh, I know you'll find out eventually.

You see, I'm, um,

I'm a secret service agent,

and I was wiring my home office

for reinforcements.

You have a remarkably unfunny sense of humor, sir.

Pal, this your wreath?

Yes.

Paper flowers.

Well, it was just a superficial relationship.

In spite of which, you yearn

for a final glimpse of the deceased.

Does seem odd, doesn't it?

I think we should indulge our friend,

don't you?

We're scheduled to have a board meeting very shortly.

I think our chairman would like to decide personally

what to do about you.

You know what I think?

I think I...

set him on fire,

just to start him talking.

Ahh-

Just hold it right there.

Do listen to him, sir.

I can promise you you're going to die,

but if you listen,

not immediately.

You've been fighting again.

We had visitor.

You seem to have caused considerable havoc.

I guess I'm just an active growing boy.

Your name?

James West.

And yours?

I'll ask all the questions, Mr. West.

Oh, come now.

Turnabout's only fair play.

Laughing boy there says I'm going to die.

I can assure you of that.

First, let me introduce you

to the gentlemen who will take care of this matter.

Gallito, you know.

On my right, Brutus.

He dearly loves to smash things.

And Cyrill,

who loves to play with matches.

Snakes Tolliver, an explosives expert,

and Pinto, a very quiet gentleman,

who has gone into considerable research in the area of pain.

Inflicting it, of course.

And, finally, Sergei from the steppes of Russia.

He dearly loves to eat.

Someday he'll swallow the whole world.

Hope it won't give him indigestion.

I'm delighted to meet you, gentlemen.

What an innocent location

for a summit conference of world crime.

Justice, Nevada.

Especially during Law and Order Week.

The idea tickled my sense of humor.

There's still one more introduction.

I am Lucrece Posey, chairman of the board,

and the first item of business

will be to call this meeting-

I'm touched.

Is this for me?

Chairman of the board should have a gavel.

Everyone knows that.

Use it in good health.

Thank you, Snakes.

I hereby call this meeting...

You call the meeting to order, Snakes.

Why me? I- I'm not the chairman.

Brutus dear,

put that wonderful glove of yours to work.

You don't think I had anything to do with that, now, do you?

Relax, Snakes. Stop cringing. Ow. Ah.

Poor boy.

Let us be seated, gentlemen.

Remove the body, will you?

Miss Lucrece Posey.

Any relation to that other lovely lady, Lucrezia,

that used a poison ring to such great effect?

I hereby call this meeting to order,

and the first order of business is to have you removed

from the docket, Mr. West.

Ta-da.

Ascot Sam.

In the flesh.

It is you, isn't it?

Well, it certainly ain't your kid brother Edith.

Ascot Sam.

Yes, dear lady?

Brutus will perform the introductions later.

Meanwhile, we have a little unfinished business

to take care of.

Of course, dear lady.

Uh, hold it!

Why?

Why?

Why?

Because that's James West, that's why.

That we know. So?

So that's the guy in charge

of the government's travel agency,

that's all.

I still owe you a little vote of thanks

for that free trip that you arranged for me

up to Leavenworth, you no good-

No.

So you're the Mr. West,

from the secret service, hmm?

I tried to tell your boys that,

but no one would listen.

Mr. West, I have one question to put to you,

but meanwhile, I'll fill you in

with a little background material.

We're living in an era of consolidation,

amalgamation, centralization.

Businesses large and small are merging,

avoiding wasteful duplication.

Dreary little nations are awakening

to the advantages of combining their resources

into one powerful super nation.

But there's one element of society

that has lagged behind

in this plunge towards consolidation.

Mr. West?

Crime.

Exactly.

Every one of these dots represents a criminal apparatus,

and there are thousands of them, each one separate

from every other one,

making it easy prey for the well-organized forces

of law and order that surround them.

And this is the way it could be,

must be and will be.

Six regional organizations.

Each one directing,

taking care of crime in each of its areas,

each one combining to form

a super crime cartel of the entire world.

And these are the six regional leaders.

I organized the plan,

arranged to meet with them here, discussed details,

and to see that our meeting was kept secret.

Now my question is, who tipped you off?

Do you mind repeating that last question?

I said who tip-

Why should I repeat it?

Because when you say tipped,

your nose crinkles adorably.

Did you know that?

Mr. West.

And another point I'd like to make,

if you'd quit hiding behind that tomboy outfit-

I mean really, you could be quite spectacular.

Why don't you get yourself into something silky and soft

and, uh- And revealing?

I will give you one more chance, Mr. West,

to get back to my question.

All right.

You get the answer to your question,

and I get what?

One of Gallito's less lingering deaths.

If that's the best you can do,

I'll take it.

The name of the fink, who tipped me off...

The fink is...

Sergei, Pinto, Mr. West is exhausted.

See that he's cooled off properly.

I will help them- Ah, ah.

I'll inform you as to what you've missed.

You know, Sergei, looking over this setup,

gives me the idea of how to cool off this West fella,

like he'll never be cooled off again. Heh, heh.

You know, Brutus, uh, I am not the type guy

to say that Miss Posey does not know her apples,

but, uh...

If it was up to me, I would not rest

until I had found out who the fink is.

Miss Posey is quite shrewd, Sam.

She'll unearth the rascal, you can depend on it.

Oh, I'm quite certain of that.

I certainly hope so.

Well, that was a nice workout.

Why, cease and desist for a moment.

I thought I heard a noise in that glove.

You know, Sam,

it's barely possible I may know who the fink is.

Excuse me, amigos. Am I interrupting?

Oh, no, no, no.

Brutus here is just doing a little punching is all.

Well, then-

Then please to continue.

As the saying goes, "scratch one fink."

I hope you appreciate now

what an all-fired clever rig this is, Mr. West.

I do, I do,

but you shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.

Oh, no. No, no. No trouble at all.

No, heh.

You see, these two 300-pound cakes of ice

are being held in place by this-

By this one rope.

Now you'll notice this lamp here.

Now I'm going to set the lamp right under the rope

that's holding up them cakes of ice.

I noticed that, too.

A little too close to the rope, isn't it?

Now you're beginning to get the big idea.

You see, the lamp starts charring the rope,

the rope starts partin', finally gives way,

and down comes two big cakes of ice-

Heh, heh, your own private glacier.

right into your lap.

You ought to patent that.

Yep. Just might. Heh, heh.

Well, I figure it'll be about 45 minutes

before anything really interesting happens around here.

I'll be back by then.

Now you just take it easy.

Relax, hear? Heh, heh, heh, heh.

If there is anything that is distressing to me, Sergei,

it's to have the knowledge

that there is a fink in our midst.

You are one hundred per cent right, Ascot.

Maybe more.

For our fink, death is too good.

He should be slowly killed.

Only question:

Who is the one?

Yeah, I must say, if there is a question,

that is the big one, all right.

And, uh, Miss Posey does not seem inclined

to determine who it is.

Great jumpin' balls of Saint Elmo's fire.

How did that happen?

I will give you small hint.

The one who did this likes to play with matches.

He is a fink,

and his first name begin with Cyrill.

As the saying goes,

"scratch another fink."

Now, where is everybody?

You know I don't like this sort of thing.

Where's Gallito?

Poor chap had a most regrettable accident.

And Cyrill?

He had accident too.

Now, look here. Once and for all, I-

Da-da.

Ascot Sam.

Well, who else but?

Aargh.

Who's the big guy with the little laugh, lady?

He claims to be Ascot Sam.

Claims?

Now, Miss Posey, that word disturbs me

a little bit more than somewhat.

Now, let's settle this once and for all.

Ascot Sam was plugged in the shoulder

some years back,

so let us see who has the scar.

This is gonna be one of those days

where nothing goes right.

Jim.

Boy, I can honestly say

I am happy to see ya.

And how do you feel about old Pinto?

Law and Order Week. Come on out.

Help celebrate.

Let's not forget the big prize in this deal, Artie.

Let's split and get Miss Posey.

We'll go to the funeral parlor

from different routes.

Right.

I kinda wish I had my gun with me.

Makes a nice security symbol.

Trouble with you is you're spoiled.

Get goin'.

Hey, what's going on here?

Get down.

Yeah, manhandling an officer of the law.

You in big trouble, mister.

Not as much as you're gonna be

if you don't keep your head down.

Oh, depriving an officer of the law

of his legal weapons!

You're diggin' your grave deeper, mister.

That fella's shootin' real bullets.

He sure is.

What do you got in here?

Blanks, of course.

Brutus.

Got four shots left that I can't miss from this range.

If your finger moves, you're a dead man, Brutus.

Hand that rifle to me.

Hyah.

Well, now.

It was all your idea. Do you like it?

Very nice.

They're all gone, Miss Posey.

Please call me Lucrece. Won't you, Jim?

And you're the only one left.

You've come for me, then, have you?

Mm-hm.

All right.

Let a lady do a few last-minute things,

will you, Jim?

Why not?

Thank you.

Artie!

Jim.

The stagecoach. Did it leave?

Yeah, off in a cloud of dust,

and guess who was enlisted amongst the passengers.

Oh, go on. Surprise me.

Ascot Sam.

I tell you, that man used every dirty,

disabling trick in the books before I could mark him

signed, sealed and delivered into the pokey.

Artie, you didn't see an entrancing feminine thing

board that stage, did you?

It was in there.

In fact, it was my pleasure

to help the lovely creature aboard.

That lovely creature was Miss Posey.

Listen, some vacation.

I'm gonna put a sign up outside my bedroom,

"Do not disturb until Christmas."

Crawl into that bed...

Miss Posey?

Hyah.

Are you sure you don't wanna join us, Artie?

Are you kidding?

After five hours in that saddle

just catching up with that stage?

All I want now is a little rest and quiet,

and darn little of that.

Well, the important thing is

Miss Posey's in the pokey, thanks to you.

Oh, yeah. Three cheers for me.

Artie, I think you might get

some kind of commendation for it.

Nah.

Hey, you really think so?

Well, of course.

Miss Posey was a very dangerous-

Speaking about commendations.

Another assignment right away?

Kucknik pass?

That's six hours on a horse going just one way.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.