All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West - 02x06 - The Night of the Flying Pie Plate.Unspecified.English.updated.Addic7ed.com

Closed for the night,
mister.

Hang onto your gold dust
till the morning.

Well, this gold
gets deposited tonight.

Where do I find
Ben Victor?

He's likely over
the Glory Hole,

but he makes it a rule never
- Thank you.

Out, you drunken bum,

and don't come back
until you're sober!

You know where
I can find Ben Victor?

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Victor?

Oh, you're James West,
of course.

I, uh-
I didn't know it showed.

But it does.

The incorruptible eyes,

the federal jut of the jaw.

No extra charge
for sitting down.

Thank you.

You got my telegram,
I take it.

Why, you timed your arrival
to the- To the minute.

Are all federal agents
so prompt?

Oh, they are
when they're entrusted

with merchandise
of some value.

Well, I do like the genteel way
you put that, Mr. West.

Your, uh-

Your telegram mentioned

that you'd be needing
some vault space...

for storage
of your merchandise.

Might I ask
how much merchandise?

Twenty-five hundred pounds
of gold dust.

Comes to more than
a million dollars.

I'm not keeping you
from your drink, am I?

Oh. Yes, I think
I see your point.

Let's go.

Back!

Draw back from the yawning
pit of eternal fire

while there is still
a measure of time.

We've heard this before.

Glory's own self-appointed
guardian of its salvation,

Hellfire Simon.

Is he really a preacher?

No. But, uh,
a little fact like that

isn't gonna stop
our Simon.

Go to.

Huddle over the tables
of abomination,

clutching
the devil's pasteboards.

Lemmings!

Blind, heedless
lemmings,

tumbling after
one another

into the eternal pit
of fire.

Swillers!

Guzzlers of the foul waters

of the river Styx.

Oh, come on now,
Hellfire.

You...

How many mortgaged souls
have you foreclosed today?

Spawn of Baal!

Hold my hat.

I warned you!
You asked for it!

Ah!

Finish him off, Joe.

Great balls
of fire.

There she is!

And fiery chariots...

bearing hosts of death
and retribution

shall seek out
the thrice-warned

eternally damned!

Wait.

Whatever it is,
it's glowing like it's red-hot.

Must have hit pretty hard,

the way it plowed
into the ground.

Well, Mr. West...

you got any answers?

No, but I have
some questions.

Halt!

Do not advance any further.

Fear, Mr. West?

Well, let's just
say discretion.

Behold! Behold!

A sign of the terrible
wrath to come!

Halt!

Do not advance any further.

I call upon you

to destroy
this Sodom and Gomorrah.

This Morning Glory!

This abomination
in the eyes- Uh!

Flamin' fishes, she's green!

Green as Kelly's tie
on St. Patrick's day.

He will recover...

with no lasting effects.

Oh, what do you do when
someone really irritates you?

I do not
comprehend.

Well, let me put it
another way.

Uh, if it's not
classified information,

how did you do
that?

I did nothing.

It was the force field belt.

Oh. Well...that
explains everything.

Well...

uh, welcome
to Morning Glory,

garden spot of
old Arizona, Miss, uh...

I am called Morn.

Ask her where she hails from!

From far off.

In your language,
it is called Venus.

How is it you know
our language so well?

On our planet,

many young people,
especially females,

are born with the gift
of translation.

It is of the brain.

When you speak,

the vibrations
are translated by my brain.

Thus I am able to-

Please forgive us for
the trouble we are causing you.

As my sisters
have just reminded me,

we have run short of fuel.

Your sisters just now
re- Reminded you?

I am
sorry.

I forget that you do not know
of our method of-

How shall I say it?

of thought projection.

My sisters Alna and Pan.

My sisters...

do not understand
your language as well as I.

They wish to know
if you can supply us

with sufficient fuel
for us to return home.

Well, what kind of fuel
do you use in your rig, Morn?

We can supply you with coal,
wood, even oil if you like.

No, no. Mildum.

You know,
the base metal.

How do you say it
in your language?

Wait. I will show you.

That's mildum?

You- You use it
for fuel?

Yes. For the reaction motors
that power our vehicles.

You have
no mildum here?

Oh, w- Well, yes, we-
We, uh-

We have lots of
this article, but-

We call it gold.

Oh. I am glad.

We will need,
in your units of weight,

400 pounds of...gold.

Would you bring it
to us now?

What, have I said
something wrong?

Uh, mildum, or gold,

isn't just picked up
off the ground.

No? But on our planet,

there are mountains
of it...everywhere.

But on my planet,
it's scarce. Very scarce.

Men often spend
their whole lives

digging for it,
fighting for it...

and sometimes
even dying for it.

Oh.

Then I suppose
we shall have to try

to return home
with what we have.

Those, uh-
Those stones on your clothes...

are they jewels?

Jewels?

Precious stones.
You know.

Precious? Not to us.

They are on the ground,

millions of them.

We like the colors,
so we decorate.

We decorate clothes,

we decorate buildings...

crush them to make roads.

Here.

Take one.

Ahem. A- About
that mildum, ladies.

It, uh-
It may be just possible

that we can work
something out.

Thank you for your help,
Mr. Pettigrew.

You're welcome,
Mr. West.

Here's a receipt
for your premises.

Are you evicting me
from my own office?

Well, let's just call it
federal requisition.

In two days,
a detachment of troops

will be here to
take over the convoy.

In the meantime,
this is government property

for which you'll be
adequately reimbursed.

Well, that seems
fair enough.

It's pretty dry work,

tallying up sacks
of gold dust.

Would you care to
join me in a dram?

Hm, just to clear
the dust.

Corporal. This detachment
will remain on full-alert basis

until further notice.

Two men on, two men off
at all times.

Yes, sir.

Heh.

Hellfire Simon.

Who else would have

a tricked-out glory wagon
like that?

Is that Simon?

Yep. When it comes
to salvation,

Hellfire's his own best customer. Hm.

Uh, let me have
a beer, please.

How'd the test
on them jewels

come out,
Mr. Victor?

What? Oh, the jewels.

You know, I never did
get around to them.

Do you mean
to tell us

that they assay
out to plain glass?

Now, Calico, use the brains
you was born with.

I don't know anything
about jewelry,

but I do know that nobody's
going to go around

passing out the real thing
like it was confetti.

I'm no gem expert,
but there's a simple test.

May I?

Excuse me.

They're jewels.

What do you say
about that?

I say it doesn't prove out
to a hoot in the wind.

Now, Mr. West is
a very capable man

in a great
many fields,

but I doubt that he is
an expert on gems.

And that is what
it would take

to prove the value
of these jewels-

I beg your pardon,

would you mind not
jostling my arm, please?

Excuse me.

And who might
you be, sir?

Uh-huh.

"Dirk Dijon. Precious
and semiprecious gems

purchased, sold
and appraised."

You're an expert,
huh?

Without a peer.

Quite a coincidence
you being here, Mr. Dijon.

Yes. Is it
not, huh?

I'm afraid I have
some bad news

for the owner of these,
whoever they are.

Do go on, Mr. Dijon.

This is definitely not
a first-class diamond.

Two thousand, $2200 is all
you could hope to get.

All right, hold it, men.
Hold it, hold it.

What about the rest
of them?

The ruby is not
of the first water either.

The market being
what it is,

the most you could hope
to get would be 3000.

All right, now quiet, quiet.
Go on, please. Go on.

As to the sapphires...

$800 apiece would be the most
they could possibly fetch.

Good day to you,
gentlemen.

Men...

I think that we are
onto something really big.

Now, there's
got to be at least

$2 million
worth of jewels

hanging off
the dresses alone

of those three uh...
Uh...

Well, those three what,
Mr. West?

You're a fast man
with an answer.

Let's say three
out-of-town visitors.

Okay.

There are three
out-of-town visitors

right out there in the canyon,

and all they need
is a few hundred

measly pounds of gold
for their rig.

They've got nothing but rubies
and diamonds and sapphires

to barter for them.

Now from where I stand...

I think we can make a deal

with these three
heavenly graces,

and while we're at it,
make more money

than any of us have ever seen
in our whole life.

They are evil.

Let no one be deceived
by their color...

for green is the color of evil.

They are evil, I tell you.

Their arrival
from outer space is evil.

Their purpose is evil.

They must be destroyed.

Don't you think you overdid
that, uh, gem expert bit

with those inflated prices
you were quoting?

James, my boy...

I know enough about
the glittering stuff

to tell you this.

Those articles
are the real McCoy.

Of course. It figures.

Whoever's running
this fleecing game

would prime the suckers
that way.

Listen, your telegram
mentioned something

about a flying pie plate...

whatever that is.

You'll find out in due time.

It's all part of
the treatment.

West.

The rope. Tie him up.

How close to the pie plate
should we leave him?

Right next to it.

Make it look like
he was snooping around.

I hit him pretty hard.
Uh, he could be dead.

Not a chance.

Not with a head
like he's got.

He will be soon.

You got a lot to learn
about tying ropes.

All right, all right.
We're close enough now, anyway.

Not with that.

It'd look more like
they'd done it

if we don't use
a bullet.

See if you can
tie him up.

Finished.

Drop it.

You are hurt,
Mr...?

No. I'm not hurt.

The name's Jim.

I'm just tired from, uh,
playing too hard.

Sit.

What really
happened, Jim?

Oh, nothing much.
Just...a minor disagreement

with a couple
of minor playmates.

Your playmates,
they are hurt also?

Well, let's, uh, say
they're not feeling any pain.

You know, uh, in case
no one's ever told you...

you're really very nice.

You are very nice too.

Uh, I'm more tired
than I thought I was.

Is there a place
where I could,

uh, rest inside?

I am sorry.

My sisters will allow
no earthling

to enter our vehicle.

Ah, that's too bad.

In that case, I'll just have
to go back to town and rest.

You're very sweet, Morn,

and it's been fun.

Jim, you will please
not play too hard.

Why did you do that?

Well, it's, um...

It's a custom on my planet.

It's called a kiss.

A kiss.

Yeah. It's a gesture
of friendship.

If you feel friendly
toward someone,

you kiss them.

Do you understand?

I think so.

Morn-
if that's your name

I want you to listen to me.

You're mixed up in something
very serious.

Mixed up?

What is it that you mean?

Jim, I-
I know.

Your sisters have just
projected a reminder

that it's time for you to go

and practice your piano scales.

Why, are they-

They dead?

I don't recall
ever seeing two people

who looked any deader.

Morning, gentlemen.

Looks like it's working itself
up to becoming a nice day.

Now I guess that'll be
a lesson to you boys, huh?

Better keep away from
our green-skinned friends,

except in
the daytime.

All right!

You men get
your pokes ready.

Why don't we start
weighing what we got?

Nate Kilburn,
18 ounces even.

Just put your "X"
right there, Nate.

Uh-huh. There you go.

Mr. William Wingo,
31 and a half ounces.

Very good, Bill.

I'll tell you
one thing.

I've probably forgot
more about panning gold

than them young fellows
will ever learn.

Now let's see
what we got for a total.

Mm-hm.

One hundred
and fifty pounds,

nine and a half ounces.

That's all?

After all the backbreaking
panning and digging we done?

I'll tell you
one thing, men.

If we don't do any
better than this,

a certain flying pie plate

is gonna be halfway
back to Venus

before we get them their
400 pounds of gold they need.

What do we do, Mr. Victor?

I'll tell you
what we gonna do.

There's a couple of million
dollars in jewels out there

practically begging
for a new home.

Now either we come up
with a lot of mildum, or

call the whole
thing off.

You're my favorite
answer man, Mr. West.

You got any ideas
on the subject?

No, the only sizable amount
of gold is in your vault.

And there's a lot more
than 400 pounds of it.

Only problem is it belongs
to the United States government.

Well...

...so much for that.

Oh, by the way, Mr. West,
when can the government

be expected to come by
for their, uh, property

and move on with it?

Another day, maybe two.
A week- I don't know.

Uh, excuse me,
gentlemen.

I- I don't know much about
these things, of course,

but, uh, how do you suppose
the government would feel

if, uh...
If their funds were-

How shall I put it?

-temporarily borrowed, uh,
just long enough

to complete the jewel
transaction?

I can tell you...

and anybody else
that's interested.

The United States
government

would take
a very dim view of it.

Good day, gentlemen.

Well, now it's all painfully
obvious, isn't it?

Your laughable,
utterly ridiculous suspicions

proved right on the head, Jim.

Victor, Wingo, and those
other two prize beauties

keep needling the miners
about how their...

chances for cleaning up

in a really big way
are gonna go glimmering,

unless they can...

get their hands
on a big chunk of gold.

And, by coincidence,

there happens to be a big chunk
of gold in Victor's vault.

Which the miners are going to
get around to sooner or later.

They'll blow up
the vault.

They'll take the gold
to the pie plate.

And then the pie plate
will, uh,

take off somehow.

And, uh, they'll be
the ones to blame-

Leaving everyone else
in the clear.

Tsk. Neat.

It's the neatest operation
I've ever heard of.

Any idea who's
running the show?

Uh, right now my number one
choice would be Victor,

but...for some reason
he's too obvious.

Hmm.

Jerry and Calico-

No, no.

Which leaves, uh,
Hellfire Simon, Wingo...

and the, uh, Chinese chef
at the Busy Bee.

Choose one.

Well, let me think about it.

Right now if I were you,

I'd, uh, get over
to Victor's office.

That's where all the fun
and games are gonna be.

Right.

I'll have it manned
on a...constant alert basis.

What about
you?

Me? I'm going out
with a girl from Venus...

taking her to an old-fashioned
American picnic.

Corporal?

Corporal.

There's something out there.

Mr. Gordon.
Would you come out

and look at what's
out here, please?

Well, don't just stand
here, gentlemen.

Let's help these lovely,
uh...

whatever-they-are
inside.

Yes, sir.

Here, get some hot water,
plenty of it, uh?

Get some smelling salts
or some spirits of ammonia.

No, wait a minute.

Better make that brandy,
if we've got any of that around.

Uh.

What-
Where are we?

Uh, you're in perfectly safe
hands, ladies, I assure you.

You just must have fainted,
that's all.

Of course.
It is this earth air.

Please
understand.

It is excellent air...
but for Venusians-

Aren't you going to tell
them why we are here?

Shall I?

We are here to beg you
for mildum.

Without it,
we cannot return home.

Oh, my dear ladies,

what you ask
is absolutely impossible.

We cannot give what is
not ours to give to you.

You do understand that,
don't you?

I suppose
that is final?

I'm sorry.

Believe me.

Begging your pardon,
ma'am.

What manner of
small arms are those?

What? This?

In your language,
you would call it-

How do you say it?

An anesthesia
projector.

Like so.

Hyah!

Giddyup! Go!

Hyah!

I am glad you talked me
into coming on a-

What are we on?

A picnic.

Yes. A picnic.

And I like your earth food.

What is it?

What you're eating
came from a bird.

A bird?

A singing bird?

It's a chicken. And chickens
don't exactly sing.

Oh, I am glad.

Thank you
for the picnic.

I now feel friendly.

Morn, do all the people
on your planet

have the same color skin
as you do?

Oh, yes.

Do they not have
on your planet?

No, we have
some variations.

That's funny.

Look at this.
It's green, isn't it?

Oh, I am sorry.

I hope it will come off.

It did.

It came off of you.

Jim...

I must tell you a secret.

Yes, I think you should.

You will not speak
of this to my sisters.

What?

My sisters do not
believe I am old enough

to use this...but I do.

All my friends
of my age do also.

Is it all right?

It's perfect.

You know, in-
In many ways, uh,

your planet
is similar to mine.

Mine is not
so friendly.

Jim...

I like your Earth.

I think perhaps
I would like to stay.

Stow them evenly
there, Calico.

They're heavy.

I know the hands. Feels like
400 pounds in each sack.

All right, let's go.
On the move.

Is that it?

That's all.

Giddyup. Hyah!

Hyah! Giddyup!

Thank you for showing me
all about picnicking, Jim.

It was a pleasure,
Morn.

I like it almost as much
as being friendly.

Well...good night, Morn.

Oh.

I'd recognize
that groan anywhere.

No, Jim.
No, you must go quickly.

Get out of my way, Morn.

You heard him.

Out of his way.

Mr. West, allow me
to introduce

our sterling cast
of characters.

This is the celebrated
Courtney sister act,

known to you as Alna,
Pan and Morn.

Congratulations on
your performance, ladies.

As for myself,

I am the poor
but proud proprietor

of Morning Glory's
humble assay office.

Over there we have
Mr. Dirk Dijon...

otherwise known
as Artemus Gordon,

your dashing fellow
federal agent.

Arty...you're green.

Do you, uh,
like the shading?

A simple chemical dye...

designed to give him the...

Venusian effect.

The chief feels
it will lend

a delightfully
bizarre note

when his body
is finally found.

I thought you were the chief.
No.

Oh, you were supposed
to, Mr. West.

Congratulations
on your performance too.

Thank you, Mr. West.

It was rather good,
wasn't it?

I'm going to miss
the old Hellfire Simon

and his unforgettable lines
from the book.

Then allow me to quote
a few final lines for you

from Ecclesiastes.

A time to live...

a time to be born...

a time to dance...

and a time...

to die.

Exactly 10:40.

Can you both see
this timepiece?

You see, there's a considerable
amount of dynamite

underneath the floor
of our little pie plate here,

wired to go off
at a precise instant.

And you, of course,

most considerately want us
to know exactly when.

Exactly.

It will, 20 minutes
from now, at 11:00.

Boom!

And the explosion supposedly
being the pie plate taking off.

Very canny of you, sir.

Long before, you and your jolly
friends will have departed.

Arty?

How are they going to depart?

Yes. How?

Well, uh, don't know
exactly how they'll leave, Jim,

but from what you tell me...

they came sailing into the lives
of Morning Glory on a balloon...

all gussied up with flares

to amaze the simple natives.

Very good, Mr. Gordon.

The only point you didn't cover

was the simple
noise-making device

that contributed so richly to
the amazement of the natives.

Arty, I've just
figured out

how our friends
are going to take off too.

Have you, Mr. West?

How?

Wouldn't be possible
in a balloon.

Not carrying 2500 pounds
of gold dust.

A delight to converse
with you, gentlemen.

Go on.

So it'll have to be a wagon.

One that'll never
be suspected, stopped

or searched for the million-
dollar payload it carries.

Ah, of course. The glory wagon
of Hellfire Simon.

Congratulations,
gentlemen.

Now you know all.

Not quite.

Was it luck
that I just happened here

minutes before
the pie plate debut?

Dear me, no.

All very carefully arranged,
Mr. West.

You see, originally
I had the idea

that it might be valuable

to have the testimony
of a trusted federal agent

that there actually
had been a flying saucer.

But you showed
yourself

to be much too difficult
to convince.

Pity. Or you wouldn't be
in the spot you're in now.

Yeah. Oh. One more question.

What about
the force field belt?

Oh, that.
Really quite simple.

A fine wire attached
to a harness under my vest.

At the right moment,

two of Victor's muscular boys
hauled back on it.

The rest is history.

Adieu, gentlemen.

Loud noises
distress me.

So you'll forgive me
if I don't linger.

Seventeen minutes
before "boom."

Anything on
your mind?

Get in the wagon.

Watch your step.
That's it.

Help!

Calico. Jerry.
Go!

Get out of here.

Ladies, please!

Ladies, I have
to get in there.

Arty, have you got the girls?

They're right here!
All 13 of 'em!

Yeah-hah!

Ladies! Hey!

Oh, Jim. Jim?

Oh.
Are-? Are you all right, Morn?

Oh, yes.

What's your real name?

Maggie. Mm.

You and your sisters
are under arrest, Maggie.

That's good.
Did you hear that, Artie?

Hm? No, I didn't.

Well, Maggie got a year,
the other two five-to-ten.

And Victor got 10-to-20.

Well, it's not enough.

Hanging's too good for anyone
who'd turn another man green.

Oh, Arty, you're gonna
be the sensation

of all the dinner parties
in Washington.

Nothing but invitations.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Arty. It's gonna fade
in three days.

Maggie told me.

On the level?

Now, you're not just
saying that

to make me
feel better?

Honest.

Arty.

Huh?

Come here.

Oh, no.

Now we know what I saw
in Morning Glory

was a small balloon with
flares attached to it...

but what was that?

I wouldn't know.

Well, I know
it wasn't a...

A flying pie
plate.

I- I wouldn't know.

No, Artie,
more like a...

More like a flying saucer,
wouldn't you say?

I wouldn't say.

You want to tell
Washington about it,

use that telegraph,
be my guest.

Not me. Not me.