Original subtitles

Julio, are you there?

Look who's paying us a visit.

Fee, fi, fo, fum.

I smell the blood of an Englishman.

What's the matter with your nose, boy?

That's no Englishman.

Villar is right, Julio.

Look at this gentleman.

His manly bearing,

resolute jaw, fearless, flashing eyes.

Oh, now I know, count.

He must be a secret service man.

Splendid, Julio.

Well, livey, fancy that.

Why, he must be the notorious James West.

Oh, no, Tony.

We're not that honored.

Oh, dear. Now look what I've gone and done.

Really, Miranda.

What a shocking way to treat a government agent

who's been snooping around where he hasn't any right to be.

West's sidekick, Artemus Gordon?

No, Deadeye.

This gentleman is neither of those two worthies,

although the plan was for you to meet

Messieurs West and Gordon here

and pass on the information you'd nosed out about us.

Isn't that right, Mr. Markham?

Ah!

Golly, golly, golly.

What's Mr. Markham going to do now?

Well, what can he do, Julio?

Nothing...

except die.

Markham said he'd leave the door open for us.

Well, let's not stand on ceremony.

Jim!

Jim!

That's nice shooting.

Oh, I think I sprained my ankle when I landed.

Jim, look.

West. Artemus.

Come here very quietly.

Is he, uh...?

How can that be?

I distinctly heard him speak.

Would you care

to place a small wager on that,

Mr. Gordon?

Hey.

Oh.

It's all right, nurse. That'll be all.

Thank you.

"Olvide sus penas en el Parque Eco.

Felicidad, risa y alegria."

Whatever the devil that means.

Oh, roughly translated, sir, it means,

"For a happy and joyous time, visit the Eco Amusement Park."

Mm. Well, hang that silly poster.

Let me remind you two of the few very pertinent facts.

Item number one:

Vance Markham has been brutally murdered by whom?

In all probability, by the Eccentrics,

an organization of murderous thugs

who specialize in assassination for hire.

Oh, very good, Mr. Gordon. Thank you, sir.

What else do we know about the Eccentrics?

Well, no one has ever seen them, sir,

but from the bits and pieces we've been able to gather,

I don't think there's any doubt that they intend to assassinate

the president of Mexico, Ju�rez.

Good.

Remind me to give the two of you a gold star to paste

in your copybooks.

Yes, sir.

Gentlemen, if our president

is sleeping soundly at the moment,

it is because he has somehow got the idea

that we can prevent anything from happening to Ju�rez.

And just how do we do that, Mr. West?

I was thinking about paying a visit

to the Eco Amusement Park.

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Ladies and gentlemen,

come and explore our fascinating world.

A universe of laughter, fun and frivolity,

and all for just 5 centavos.

Hurry! Hurry!

Come and see the sights which have amazed mankind

since the days of Helen of Troy.

Deadeye,

justly renowned as the fastest gun on Earth.

Tony, undisputed master of the art of knife-throwing.

And this lovely shell-like ear

is none other than the imperial ear

of the Princess Yasmine Ayasutupeth,

queen by ancestral right of Aramean,

rescued not six months ago from the slave markets at Mecca

and brought here at great cost.

But this is just a foretaste

of the fabulous feast awaiting you within.

Will Your ravishing Majesty deign to enter

the Cabinet of No Return?

Through the intercession

of the Black Council of Baal, Bael, Balaam,

and of the sorcerer's name that may not even be whispered.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Your enthusiastic response is much appreciated.

And now, for your further entertainment,

Titan is ready to match his formidable muscles

against all comers,

and the prize for whoever can defeat him:

Nothing less than the crown of the Emperor Herodotus of Rome,

2,000 years old and worth a king's ransom.

However, I must caution you.

Titan will not likely yield this priceless relic.

Mm.

But to our little frolic,

who will have the prize for which gladiators died

in the Colosseum?

What about you?

Wouldn't you care to lock horns with Titan?

The, uh, gentleman outweighs me by several ounces.

Goliath outweighed David too, if you recall,

and David took a chance.

Won't you reconsider?

Since you put it that way.

You realize, of course,

that you are going to die.

Everybody dies. Keep the change.

Very nice.

Must you leave? It was just getting interesting.

Somebody wins. Somebody loses.

The rondelle of life, sir.

Speaking of winning,

you mentioned something about a crown.

Ah, yes.

To the victor

belongs the spoils.

Fabulous crown

of Emperor Herodotus.

I didn't know that crowns were made of lead.

Lead?

What kind of base chicanery is this?

I assure you, sir, I will make it up to you.

Don't bother. I'm very fond of lead.

No, no. You're being far too kind.

I assure you,

I want you to get everything that's coming to you.

Lights, that our distinguished guest may see better.

Allow me to present myself.

I am the Count Carlos Marie Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi,

adventurer, poet and lover of all that is corrupt,

forbidden and blasphemous.

Charmed, I'm sure.

But you forgot to add murderer

and chief of the Eccentrics.

You hear?

Our fame is spreading.

Allow me to present my fellow Eccentrics.

Tony Pie, foremost exponent

of the knife and its accurate delivery.

How do you do?

The incomparable Deadeye, grand master

of the six-chambered revolving death.

And a good day to you too, sir.

Villar, our ventriloquial wonder,

and his friend and prot�g�, Julio.

Any questions, Mr. West?

Uh, just one question.

Who's the ventriloquist, and who's the dummy?

And saving the most decorative for last,

the divine Miranda.

Lovely, isn't she?

Like a fer-de-lance.

And the mighty Titan. I miss him.

We all do.

He failed in his little encounter with you and so...

Scratch one Eccentric, huh?

Titan's dead.

Long live his replacement.

Well, I'm- I'm flattered.

Are you asking me to join your group?

Why not?

You have much to offer us.

Oh, a certain flair for assassination,

a charming capacity to overcome odds.

In short, style.

We can use you.

Uh, you'll, uh- You'll turn my head, count.

Aren't you forgetting I'm on the side of the law?

Men have changed allegiance before.

I can promise you this:

Join with us, and you'll be rich

beyond the wildest dreams of the misers.

I see. Do I have a choice?

Well, of course you have a choice, Mr. West.

I'm not an unreasonable man.

Join us, or die.

A man would be a fool to decline that invitation.

Splendid.

Uh, however, there is one test of your good faith needed.

Yes?

To show us that you are really dedicated to our cause,

you'll be required to kill your friend Artemus Gordon.

Enough.

A magic lantern show.

My favorite indoor sport.

Who are these people?

Emperor Maximilian

and his wife Carlota.

Alive and well, I trust?

No, no, not exactly.

Maximilian was shot dead four years ago

by Ju�rez revolutionaries.

Oh, that's too bad.

They look like such a nice couple.

And what have we here?

That is Maximilian's cousin,

the Archduke Charles Louis of Austria.

Splendid, Julio.

Tonight he lands at Veracruz.

In two days time, he'll be at Mexico City

to accept his cousin's crown, and then-

Well, I'm sure your colleague has filled you in on all this.

Before you murdered him.

Meanwhile, President Benito Ju�rez

will have a serious accident.

Murdered, don't you mean?

No, I don't mean murdered. I don't like the word.

News of the president's, uh, terrible accident

will spread throughout Mexico.

Hail, Emperor Charles Louis.

Hail and farewell, Benito Ju�rez.

That was bad judgment

on your part, Mr. West.

You forgot Deadeye is the fastest gun on Earth.

I guess you're going to have to be taught a lesson.

What about me, governor?

He ain't seen the show I put on.

Hm.

All right, Tony. You can have him.

Try to savor this, Mr. West.

Tony is really quite an artist in his own way.

When the knife hits the bull's-eye, it's bon voyage.

Too far to the right. Try again.

Left. Try it again.

I never miss a third trick, governor.

Mr. West, this way. Follow me.

Where are we?

Behind the place still.

Why'd you help me?

Oh, that's the kind of fer-de-lance I am, I guess.

Someday, I'd like to do a first-class job of thanking you.

Oh, no, but wait.

I want to go with you.

What about your playmates?

Well, I've been thinking about resigning,

and you made up my mind for me.

Let's go.

It's really going quite well, isn't it?

Well, well, well, well, well. Welcome home.

Ah, you brought me the queen of Aramean.

Oh, but my real name's Miranda when you get up off the floor.

Please, make yourself at home. Do.

Thank you.

Anything I can do for you?

Artie, listen. This is important.

Markham was right.

They plan to assassinate Ju�rez tonight

so that Archduke Charles Louis

can take over the throne of Mexico.

Better notify Washington right away.

Who is this, the Eccentrics?

Who else?

Dead?

Deader than the proverbial doornail.

It's moving faster than I expected.

What were you expecting, Mr. West?

Very smart quarters, Mr. West.

Very smart, indeed.

Ah, Miranda, my blossom,

your performance was superb.

Accept my congratulations too.

You had me fooled.

And believe me, Mr. West, I didn't enjoy this.

I'll try to remember that.

What's on the agenda now?

First of all, I shall require your train.

Certainly.

For any particular reason?

I told you,

Ju�rez will be returning to Mexico City.

You'll accompany his body

on this train.

I suppose that means we're going to be dead too.

No, of course not.

Whatever gave you that idea? You'll be very much alive.

In fact, it will be my privilege to present you

to the Emperor Charles Louis

as the assassin of President Ju�rez.

A new plan?

You like it?

It's very intriguing.

I think so.

And now you have a certain mission to perform.

Oh, why was I chosen for this job?

My dear Mr. West,

you're an accredited United States agent.

Since you will seemingly have assassinated the tyrant Ju�rez,

it will appear to the world

that the United States is giving its blessing

to the rebirth of the Mexican empire.

And for that we get a million dollars.

Small potatoes.

Has it ever occurred to you,

or for that matter, any of you,

that my government would gladly pay $2 million

to save Ju�rez and his democracy?

Very shrewd maneuver, Mr. West,

but it won't work...

I don't think.

Mr. West, you have succeeded in making me lose my temper.

Is that bad?

For you, it will be highly traumatic.

We have little better than an hour

before we must embark on the Ju�rez mission.

Not too much time,

but enough to teach you

a most salutary, highly-corrective lesson

about meddling in the plans of the Eccentrics.

Now can Miranda do a turn with the whip?

She does it so well.

Count, I still have a few fine points I could show Mr. West-

Be quiet, all of you,

and put that silly thing away.

As the old saying goes,

"This one's on me."

No, a little further back.

Yes, now, uh, to your right.

That's excellent, thank you.

One of my many admirers, I presume?

And I assure you, she'll not lose her hold on you

this side of the 17 gates of hell.

Then I guess I'll have to get used

to her hot little hands, won't I?

Oh, but there's much more to my little diversion

than just that, Mr. West.

Now you are in the cradle of limbo

suspended halfway betwixt Elysium and Hades.

I always did want to get away from it all.

Well, then you should be enjoying yourself.

Unfortunately, you won't stay up there for long.

For shame, count.

You should have used a better-quality rope.

No.

You don't seem to be grasping

the finer points of this, Mr. West.

Julio? Explain it to him, will you?

The rope has been chemically treated with a caustic.

In approximately 14 minutes, it will part.

And down will come cradle, baby and all.

He's a barrel of monkeys, he is.

And there's more, much more.

Tell him, won't you, count?

Observe, Mr. West.

Van de Graaff's experiments

in static electricity showed me the way.

Oh, there are thousands and thousands of volts

barely held in check.

Now, what will happen

when you fall into the middle of it?

The shocking moment of truth, I suppose.

Beautifully stated, Mr. West.

Oh, I wish I could stay and watch,

but unfortunately, the smell of scorched people

disagrees with me.

Adieu, my noble friend.

We have chosen our respective ways.

You're off to your electrical Valhalla,

and I and my confr�res are off to mark

"paid" to the account of Mr. Benito Ju�rez.

Mr. West, enjoy.

Mr. West.

Ah, Miranda.

Come to watch the thrilling descent?

Listen, you said your government

would give $2 million to have Ju�rez alive, remember?

Bless your greedy little heart.

We'll go halfers.

Fifty-fifty split, just you and me, okay?

I hate to change the subject, but I don't think

I'm going to be hanging around very long.

Promise.

All right, 50 percent of everything I collect.

Now, grab that pole and smash those lights.

The electrical field is stronger than I thought.

Miranda, over my head are a couple electrical wires.

I want you to cut them with your whip.

But they're right next to the rope.

If I should hit that by mistake, then-

That's where the fun comes in.

Not knowing which will go first.

Uh, look, I'm nervous. I can't. I-

Miranda, right now.

You're sure it was the terrace the count was headed for?

Positive.

That's Ju�rez's secret new headquarters.

He found out.

Hyah!

Alto, se�or.

Guard, this is, um...

Est�s muy importante a Presidente Ju�rez.

Hang on, I'm gonna have to dump this guy.

S�. Anything you say.

Adios, muchachos.

Jump.

Alto.

To the right, please.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted

by the Eccentrics...

Artie, you son of a gun.

Ju�rez?

In that room.

Follow me...

at a respectable distance

as befits gringos, if you understand me.

Mr. President.

Mr. President?

Yes, my friend?

Sir.

I'm in the Secret Service of the United States.

I must tell you an attempt is going to be made on your life.

My life?

Surely there must be a mistake.

Who would want to kill me?

There's an organization that sells death across the counter

like bolts of calico.

They call themselves the Eccentrics,

and their leader is-

Count Carlos Marie Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi,

your servant.

It was a delicate problem,

how to dispose of you and your equally-troublesome colleague

without upsetting the timetable

governing the elimination of Mr. Ju�rez.

Obviously, a catalytic agent was needed.

Like her ravishing highness.

Precisely.

It was painfully obvious to me

that the divine Miranda had forsaken me

and was now dreaming girlish dreams only of the $2 million

with which you had so cleverly baited your hook.

I see.

Then I was supposed to break loose

from the amorous Miranda.

My dear Mr. West,

I would have been desolate if you hadn't.

And now-

Now we come to the final movement.

Mr. West, greedy Miranda,

Mr. Gordon,

I have permitted you to expend much time,

trouble, and ingenuity

to arrive at your place of execution.

However, your execution will be held in abeyance

until after Mr. Ju�rez has been gathered

to his forefathers.

I appreciate a little audience for my curtain closes.

I...

I beg your pardon.

I'm going to take a little nap

until it's curtain time.

Uh, is it all done with mirrors,

or are you really good at throwing those knives?

Ha! Governor, if I do say so meself, I shouldn't,

I'm the living tub-thumping, cock-crowing hen.

Oh, you don't say.

Well, maybe you'd put on a little demonstration for us.

Sure- Turn it off, West.

How about that?

With all Tony's talent,

our wild and woolly cowboy friend

won't let him put on a little show.

We're entitled to it, aren't we?

Condemned men are always granted a last request

and a hearty meal.

Tough. It's cook's night off.

Okay, then let's have the last request.

A little entertainment.

Come on, Tony.

Let's see how close you can come

without nicking me.

Well, don't stop now. I'm just beginning to enjoy it.

That's a lot, governor.

Drop it, West.

Right now.

Too bad, Jim. It was a good try.

What happened, Julio?

Mr. West suckered Tony into throwing his knives.

Ah, yes.

And the astute Mr. West

proceeded to cut his bonds with them

in an attempt to win his freedom.

Correct, Mr. West?

It seemed to be a pretty good idea at the time.

You're not without a certain native resourcefulness,

which I do admire.

Oh, dear.

Now, more than ever,

we can use you in our sadly-depleted organization.

Governor...

Governor, listen to me.

Gov, I-

I didn't mean- You know-

Fall down, Tony.

You're dead.

And as for you, Mr. West,

you've never been closer to certain death

than you have been in the past few minutes.

I wish I'd known.

Do you think Deadeye is just a man

who handles a gun with amazing accuracy and speed?

He's much more than that, you know.

He's a machine.

Lubricating oil in his veins

instead of blood.

Electrical circuits instead of nerves.

Steel cable instead of muscle.

My, my.

All that for shooting down defenseless men.

What a waste.

Easy, West.

Take it very easy.

Hm, my compliments, Mr. West.

Of course, you know what the canny Mr. West

is trying to do, don't you?

He's doing his very best to make you lose your temper.

How could I possibly do that,

simply by pointing out the fact that Titan was defenseless

when you lined him up in your, uh, gun sights?

West, so help me...

And little Tony.

That took a lot of nerve and skill to gun him down.

You know what I'm wondering?

I'm wondering what you'd be like with someone who had a gun.

Someone who knew how to use it.

Don't be a fool.

It's just what he wants you to do.

If I may make a small suggestion,

you're a count.

Why don't you count?

Very good. Why not?

Ready, gentlemen?

You ready, Deadeye?

Remember, I've got a gun too.

One...

Have you ever been shot, Deadeye?

Had that unforgettable experience

as that hot lead pumps into your body?

...two...

There's still time to pull out, Deadeye.

Better a live coward-

Fall down, West.

You're...

Mr. West,

you have a fine shiny gun,

and you certainly know how to use it.

I, in turn, have a fine shiny bomb,

and I assure you, I know how to use it.

I think you're trying to make a point.

If you should be ill-advised enough to shoot me,

this bomb is primed to go off, disposing of you,

Miranda and Mr. Gordon.

Yes, and quite possibly disposing of Mr. Ju�rez,

who, if I am to judge by the enthusiastic sound

of the faithful, is drawing nigh.

A Mexican standoff, is that it?

I don't know if that's a bomb

or a nickel-plated egg cup.

Hm, I know, and that's where the fun comes in.

Is it worth the risk to find out?

Uh, you seem to forget that you've lost the initiative,

that you're in hostile territory

and surrounded by the enemy.

But brilliant general that I am,

I took the trouble to prepare a proper avenue of retreat.

Act one to you, Mr. West.

But when the mists rise

and the sudden silences fall,

look for me.

Welcome home, Mr. President.

What? What the devil did he say?

Oh, it's a little embarrassing, sir.

Oh, come on, West. Out with it.

He said the wall is solid. There's no sliding panel.

Oh, I see.

And you still maintain that the wall slid back

like the Red Sea- Yes, sir.

-and conveniently allowed Manzeppi to escape.

Yes, sir. There's no doubt about it.

Secret panels and walls.

Has it ever occurred to you

that the whole thing was an illusion?

Well, I saw it too, sir.

I can assure you it was no illusion.

Well, perhaps you've been working a little too hard.

Ever consider that?

Confound it, you agents aren't made of bronze.

You could be suffering from an optical illusion.

Innumerable times, I've suggested that our agents

be compelled to use their full amount of leave time

each and every year.

Every man is human.

You can't just go from assignment to assignment

without rest and not have it catch up with you in the end.