All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West - 01x23 - The Night of the Two-Legged Buffalo.Unspecified.English.updated.Addic7ed.com

This place charges
$200 a day

for room and board
and taking a mud bath?

Yeah, but it's
very special mud.

And besides, they don't
allow any tipping.

You're expecting
the crown prince

of the South Sea
Coral Islands.

Oh, yes, sir,
suite A.

We've had it
redecorated

especially to please
His Royal Highness.

Fine.

My name is
Roger Colby.

Oh, yes, Mr. Colby,
we got your message

that you'd be arriving
before His Highness.

We put you right
next to him-

suite B-
as you requested.

Thank you.

Allow me to show you
to your suite.

Oh, that won't
be necessary.

I'd like to look around
if you don't mind.

Oh, very well, sir.

Through the back garden,
the balcony-

the very last hacienda.

Oh! I'm
terribly sorry.

It was my fault.

No, really, it was
awfully clumsy of me.

I'm sorry.

No, it was my fault.

That's one of the nice
things about silver.

It's very practical.
It doesn't break.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for the use of
your magazine, Count Duchamps.

I'm so happy you have
enjoyed it, Count.

So, that's James West.

He doesn't seem very
formidable, huh?

So you noticed.

I never miss
a thing.

It seems such a shame
to waste two of us on him.

Oh, you're being
greedy, Victor.

You want him
all to yourself.

Well, as a matter of fact,
neither one of us

will have to bother
with him

if everything goes
as planned.

And why shouldn't it?

Uh, my dear Count,

would you care
to join me

for a view
of the sunset?

I hear it would be
most formidable.

I'd be delighted.

It is 2:00,
Lady Beatrice.

Would you care
to join me

in an aperitif
before tea?

Oh, you know I don't take
spirits, Monsieur Duchamps.

Thank you very much
all the same.

Count Vittorio,
aperitif?

Um, no, no, no.

Perhaps a little
mineral water.

Do you think it
will work, Victor?

It has to, Boojie.

But from all reports,
West is a very thorough man.

The first thing he would do

would be to inspect
the prince's suite.

It's probably
all over by now.

Who's going to find the body?

I believe the Lady Beatrice

should bring flowers
to the prince's rooms.

She'll find it.

Oh, the poor girl.

I do hope she doesn't faint.

She's... she's so fragile.

So it's farewell to Mr. West.

And hello to luxury

and all the things
a great deal of money can buy.

Once we have the prince
safely in our hands.

How do the Americans
say it?

It's in the bag,
old boy.

You know, I've never had
a million dollars before.

It must be a... a...
a perfectly splendid feeling.

"Under... no... circumstances...
alarm... prince...

"but... he... is... not...
to... come... to... spa.

His... life... in... danger."

Talking to yourself,
my dear Artemus?

Uh, why, yes, Your Highness,

a habit I acquired during those
lonely nights on the prairie.

Well, I, too, talk
a great deal to myself.

In fact it's the only
conversation I truly enjoy.

Ooh, breakfast!

Mmm.

Uh, it's past 2:00 in the
afternoon, Your Highness.

I enjoy
an early breakfast.

Mmm.

I can't tell you how glad I am

my staff went on ahead
to your Washington, D.C.,

with all our barbarous,
uh... uh, native food-

um, poi, uh, sea slugs,
raw fish, ooh-

and the ridiculous
native costumes.

Papa insists I wear them
in your White House.

Uh, tell me, Your Highness,

do you always wear
that much jewelry?

Oh, only when I'm away
from home.

You see, jewels are
a sign of vanity,

and your American
missionaries

have quite filled
my poor papa's head

with preachments
against vanity, mmm.

Oh, what a relief it is
to be human again.

Mmm... mmm.

I'm so glad you

and James met me
in San Francisco

and we can sneak off
on this lark together

and then we can go on
to see your President Grant.

Uh, well, my, uh, government
just wants to be sure

that your visit is
a pleasant one, Your Highness.

Mm-hmm, but tell me, Artemus,

why... why did James go
on ahead,

and why does he want us
to pretend

that he's
a... a Mr. Roger Colby?

Well, you know how it is,
Your Highness.

A young bachelor,
exclusive resort-

he wants to be first
with the beautiful girls.

Actually, I've been
there, you know,

and it's nothing
like that at all.

It's deadly dull.

Dull? But it's the most
expensive resort in the world.

I've wanted to visit it
for years.

Dull, dull, deadly dull.

I just thought.

I know a place
in San Francisco-

wonderful food, superb wines,

the most beautiful women
in the world.

Why don't we turn around
and go there, huh?

You'll have the time
of your life.

Impossible, my dear boy.

You see, I've already engaged
their mountain lodge

for the fortnight by myself.

I plan to do some hunting.

Oh, no, Your Highness,
the food there is just awful.

Nothing but fat.

Uh, so are
the women.

Mmm, but I love fat women.

You see, in my country,

the fatter a woman is,
the more admired she is,

uh, for the simple reason that
there's so much more to love,

don't you see?

Well, that's perfect.

In San Francisco
all the women are...

Oh, you've got to
come there with me.

You'll love it.

You've got to.

Artemus, all my life,
my dear papa

and his
missionary friends

have told me what to like
and what not to like,

as if I didn't have any mind
whatsoever of my own.

Now... please don't
be like that, hmm?

It isn't that, Your Highness.

I was just trying to make sure

that you knew
what San Francisco had to offer:

theater, opera...

Artemus, Artemus, Artemus...

I'm afraid
I must confess to you...

I did not want
to come on this trip.

My father insisted we be
friendly to the Americans.

But I would be less
than honest with you

if I did not
admit to you

that I find
most Americans

thoroughly dull,
vulgar and common.

Now, Artemus, unless
you let me have my own way,

I feel I must go on home,

and the treaty between our
countries will not be signed.

And that would disappoint
your president very much,

don't you think?

Yes, it would,
Your Highness, very much.

Then, so much
for that.

Now, I think I shall take
a long soak in the tub.

You see, I've never been
on a buffalo hunt before.

I would be
terribly heartbroken

if I... missed one.

We always seem to be bumping
into each other,

Miss... um, Miss...

Beatrice.

Lady Beatrice
Marquand-Gaynesford.

How do you do?

My name is Roger Colby.

I'm terribly sorry
if I startled you.

Oh, it's just
that I didn't expect

to find anyone in here.

I must say, my heart
is quite in my throat.

Oh, would you
like some wine

to wash it down
to its proper place?

Oh...

No, no, thank you.

I, uh...

I just came to bring these
flowers to the prince.

The management
gave me the key.

Are you a friend
of the prince?

No, no, I've never seen
him in my life before.

But, uh...
it seemed to be

the nice thing
to do, what?

Yes, very nice thing to do.

Are you a friend of the prince?

Yes.

What is he like?

Charming.

And a rascal with the ladies.

Oh...

Really, is he?

Tell me, um, does he have...

Does he have a wife?

Yes, dozens of them.

Well, I think I better
get back to my crocheting.

You... bungler!

You stupid, nincompoop,
nitwitted bungler!

Bea, I...

And as for you,

you're going to get rid
of West tonight,

and you're going
to do it right

or I'll cut out
your tongue!

A most
determined woman.

But after all, old boy,

we can't do a deuced
thing about the prince

until West is
out of the way.

Somehow it makes checkers
ever so much more fun

when one plays
with diamonds and rubies.

Don't you think?

Oh, yes.

Your move.

Uh, yes, sir.

Uh, tell me,
Your Highness,

don't you ever worry

carting all that jewelry
around with you?

I... I mean, there are
such things as, uh...

Is it broken?

We're stopping.

I'd better check.

Hold it.

Turn around.

Get moving- we
haven't got all day.

Come on!

You put those down,
they're mine.

Shut up.

We'll take
you with us.

You're probably worth
more than the jewelry is.

Come on,
keep moving!

You all right?

I don't know.

Where's the prince?

Yeah, that's
what I mean.

Ooh... They...
they took him

along with the jewels.

Bandits.

Did you get
a good look at them?

Nah, they were masked.

Well, it's too dark
to go after them now.

It'll have to wait
until morning.

We can't, Jim.

They're expecting him
at that resort tonight.

If word gets out
that he's been kidnapped,

you know what that'll mean-
no treaty.

Where do you suggest
we look for them in the dark?

We've got to do something.

Of course we have
to do something.

No prince,
no place to turn.

But of course there is,
dear boy.

Artie, are you all right?

James, my boy,
the most marvelous inspiration

has just come to me.

You had a bad clout
on the head-

you're not yourself.

James, the prince
is going to show up

at that resort tonight.

You'll never
get away with it.

You wouldn't like to make
a wager on that,

would you, old boy?

Come on, Jim,

it's the only thing
we can do.

I don't know.

Look, you know
as well as I do

that king may happen
to like Americans now,

but he's only been civilized
for the past 20 years.

Now, that's
a very thin crust;

underneath,
he's still a savage.

If anything happened
to his son

during his visit
here, he'll revert.

He'll massacre
every missionary,

every man, woman and
child on that island.

Now, Jim, you know

we've got over
a hundred people there.

You know there
is someone

waiting at that resort
to kill the prince?

I know it.

All right, Artie,
it's your neck.

Done.

I... I know
how you feel

about my deliberately
exposing myself

to would-be assassins.

Well, at least I think
I know how you feel.

Although come to think of it,

you didn't put up your
usual arguments this time.

As a matter of fact, you didn't
give me any arguments at all.

You set me up
for this, didn't you?

You conned me
into volunteering.

Artie, how can you
think that?

And I bit
like a hungry fish.

Like a very hungry fish...
Your Highness.

You know something?

I got a big mouth!

I do hope nothing untoward
has happened.

Do not worry, dear lady.

Time is for
the ordinary people.

Yes, but three hours late.

You are becoming

like an American,
Lady Beatrice.

Time, time, time,
always time.

Sometimes I think
that for them

the universe is
a great big clock

that God winds up
every morning.

Blasphemy, Count Vittorio.

Shame on you.

Mi scusi.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Crown Prince
of the Coral Island.

Your Highness, this is
an unparalleled honor.

Ah... yes, thank you,
thank you so much.

Frightfully good of you,
awfully good of you.

His Highness is very tired;
he's had a long journey.

Wishes all of you
a very good evening.

Oh, we understand.

Indeed,
we understand.

Uh, please, please, let's
not stand on formality.

Ah...

And now, ladies
and gentlemen,

shall we all retire
to the gaming tables?

What's our hurry?

They're serving
champagne.

Not right now,
Your Highness.

Well, can't we play a
little roulette or something?

I'm wearing
my lucky molar.

Yeah, but it's got
a cavity in it.

Well, at least
get me a drink, then.

I'm freezing
to death in this.

As long as
you have a warm heart.

I think we should leave
right now, Your Highness.

Oh, thank you.

Well, Bea, just
say the word.

We're ready.

That man is not the prince.

Thanks to you,
West is on his guard now,

you bungling lout!

Listen, I may have
volunteered, but not for this.

You get me
some decent clothes.

Whose, the prince's?

They wouldn't fit.

Oh, these things,
they're ridiculous.

Artie, it's
very colorful.

Blue, that's
the color, blue-

I'll die of pneumonia.

If you're going to die,
blue's a lovely color.

Here, you may need this.

Oh, thanks.

Where are you going?

You want your pants
back, don't you?

Yeah.

I watched
you play tonight.

Your luck was
very poor,

but now
that I'm here

perhaps your luck
has gotten better.

Monsieur, I really...

Please, please!

Really, monsieur,
please!

Would you...
please stop it!

Excuse me.

Oh, Mr. Colby...

Everything's all right.

It's all right, ma'am.

He was trying to take
advantage of me.

Well, no one
is going to take

advantage of anyone,
believe me.

I do believe you.

Feel better?

I'm so frightened.

I wish I were back in England.

Would you...

Would you see me
to my suite?

Of course.

I'm so frightened.

Don't be.

Come on.

A glass of cool water
might calm you down.

Oh, no.

No, thank you.

I'm all right.

But please do help
yourself to a drink.

There's some whiskey
in the decanter

over there, I believe.

Do you care
to join me?

No, no.

I don't take
hard spirits.

The decanter
was left there

by the people who had
this suite before me.

I was going
to pour it out.

Lucky for me you didn't.

I'm very grateful

that you appeared
when you did, Mr. Colby.

Who was that man?

Monsieur
Duchamps?

Oh, he's
a Frenchman.

Very wealthy Frenchman,
I'm afraid.

The banking houses the
Rothschilds don't own, he owns.

He was very fond of you,
to put it mildly.

To you, lovely lady.

May your future be brighter
and even more interesting.

Thanks to you, I feel
much safer already.

Do you know
that Mr. Duchamps thinks

that money can buy everything,
including people?

You have no... no money?

Aristocracy does not always mean
wealth, Mr. Colby.

Indeed, good breeding
is often enhanced by poverty.

I have two maiden aunts,
both poor, both duchesses,

who are the very quintessence of delicacy.

Quite ethereal, quite pale.

Close the door,
you fool!

Well, whatever
we do to him,

it will be
much too easy.

There was enough potion
in that decanter

to keep him unconscious
for hours.

You have the key?

Mmm.

Such a dirty
way to go.

Oh, Victor, I've done many
favors for you in the past-

grant me
this one.

What?

Let me take care
of him.

I'm sorry, Boojie.

When you've taken care of him,

I want you to come
right back here.

We are going to take
the so-called prince

to the mountain lodge
and have a little talk.

Well, it... it would only
take two or three minutes.

And Victor always
dawdles so.

Do you dare talk back to me?

Oh, Bea,
of course not.

Next time, Boojie-

I promise.

All right, get to work.

It's a wonder he didn't clank
when he walked.

Well, shall we
get on with it?

Uh... can you manage
alone, old boy?

Oh, yes, yes.

Easy as pie.

Well, ta-ta, old chap.

See you at
the mountain lodge.

Right you are.

It's open.

Oh, Your Highness,
please forgive my intrusion,

but I had
to see you.

Oh, uh...

Oh, do get up.

But of course.

Of course.

I'm the Lady Beatrice
Marquand-Gaynesford.

Charmed.

How nice to meet
one's own sort

in this barbarous country.

Oh.

I had brought these
flowers for you earlier.

Oh, thank you.

They're quite lovely.

Pretty is as pretty,
uh... does.

Very pretty.

You're very kind.

Oh, I could be
ever so much kinder.

So then, what can I do
for you, my dear?

I have come to warn you.

I heard some men talking
in the garden.

They didn't see me, but I fear
that they mean you harm.

Harm? Harm? What sort of harm?

I don't know,
but I heard them say

that they will send here
an accomplice first-

a lady, I believe-
to take you off your guard by...

distracting you, as it were.

My dear Lady Beatrice,

I am much too much
a man of the world

to be taken in
by that sort of trick.

Oh, I know the kind
of lady you mean,

of course, but, uh... I can
recognize her from miles away.

There's no cause
for fear.

Besides, I'm quite
armed, always.

We're quite
safe here.

I was about to have

a bit of sherry.

Can I offer you a spot?

There won't be time.

Don't move
or I'll shoot.

I don't think so.

It's not loaded.

But this is.

That thong
is quite wet.

But it'll
soon dry out.

Then it'll begin
to burn

rather slowly,
I'm afraid.

You know, you
could save us all

a good deal of time
if you would tell us

where you've hidden
your friend, the prince.

I've already told you.

I don't know where he is.

Well, I have all the patience in the world.

And this hunting lodge
is rather remote.

What a perfectly
marvelous sherry.

Dearest Bea, you do think
of everything.

Dear Bea,
what if he really doesn't know?

Boojie, he knows.

But with West dead and him dead,

how will we ever find
the prince?

Don't despair,
Boojie.

It'll just be a matter of time.

Nobody wants to die.

It's burning sooner
than I thought it would.

You know, you don't have
too much time.

Look, if I knew, don't you think
I'd have told you?

I want to live
as much as you do.

Well, I must say,

you're certainly going about it
all the wrong way.

It's Victor.

Victor?

Here, Bea.

Uh, everything's all right.

Well, so much for
Mr. James West.

What have you done to him?

Oh, he's dead.

He met with an accident in
the mud baths at the resort.

Drowned, I believe.

And you don't have
very much more time.

Well, don't just
dawdle there, Victor.

Come on in.

Uh, Boojie, will you help me
with my saddle?

I've... had a nasty fall.

I've sprained my ankle.

Well, that can wait.

What about West?

What would you like to know?

Jim!

Put down that gun.

One stroke of this knife
and your friend here is dead.

I said put down
that gun!

Disarm him, Boojie.

All of you,
against the wall.

Facing the
wall, please.

Watch it, Jim!

Watch what, Artemus?

Those were the two

who slugged me
and kidnapped the prince.

Artemus, your powers of
observation are remarkable.

Your Highness!

His Highness
has been here

since I had him kidnapped
off the train.

You had him kid...?

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted them
to come after you

and I thought you'd be safer
if you really didn't know.

Ooh.

I must say,

you look
perfectly charming

in my feathered
cloak, Artemus.

Oh, thank you.

You can go now.

We can handle it.

Thank you
very much.

Who are these people, James?

Lady Beatrice
and her playmates.

Hmm.

Why would they want
to do me harm?

I think they wanted it to look
like Americans had done it.

There's someone in your country
very close to your father

who doesn't want
that treaty signed.

He hired them.

A traitor?
But this is incredible.

I can't believe it.

Who? Who?

That's what I'm
going to find out.

Who hired you,
Lady Beatrice?

Please don't be so harsh
with them, James.

Bea, take
his gun.

You see, my dear James,
I am that traitor you spoke of.

But don't worry, you
will both die as heroes.

When I return home,
I shall tell Papa

that you and Artemus
were killed

trying to save me from
horrid American bandits.

My three friends
here saved me.

Thanks to you,
everything worked out

just the way
I wanted it to.

Feather capes!

It's a wonder every bird in the
world hasn't frozen to death.

Well, it could be worse-
you could be molting.

Very funny, very funny.

Say, uh...

you would...
you wouldn't happen

to have a picklock
on you, would you?

Uh-uh, it was
in my coat.

But I don't think
we'll be needing it.

Guests are arriving.

Outside, please.

Ah, here
we are.

There's nothing like
a good bottle of wine

to start a new day,
is there?

Well, then,
to the hunt!

What hunt?

Oh, didn't Bea
tell you?

I'm having a hunt this
morning all to myself.

After all, it's really
why I came, isn't it?

To my buffalo hunt.

Oh, but you're not
drinking your wine.

Perhaps after the hunt.

After the hunt?

After
the hunt?

Oh, James.

How can one not
help liking you?

You are so...
so droll, so humorous.

"After the hunt."

Somehow it doesn't sound that funny to me.

He has a very unspoiled
sense of humor.

Somewhere I heard
of hunting buffalo

from horseback
with a lance.

I think I should
like that.

Diverting,
don't you think?

Mmm, mmm.

Dear Bea,
when I return home,

be sure I take along cases
and cases of this lovely wine.

Of course.

Won't the missionaries
disapprove?

I'm afraid they'll have

many more important things
to disapprove of.

You're going to kill
all of them, aren't you?

Oh, not I, James.

Papa will.

After what you barbarous
Americans have done to me,

Papa will be uncontrollable.

And soon he will be gone

and I shall be king
to do whatever I like,

with no interference
from the outside.

Hmm.

But, Bea, you must see the
lance Boojie is making for me.

It's wonderful.

Come.

Back inside.

You know what
he's talking about,

his buffalo hunt?

Yeah, I know.

What have you
got there?

Something no self-respecting
buffalo should be without.

Now, hold it.

I think I shall start
with that buffalo.

Here.

They're too spread out.

I'll try and draw them together.

Good luck.

All right,
get in there.

Tallyho!

Very good,
my two-legged buffalo.

Very agile, very quick!

Tallyho!

Tallyho!

Good show, Your Highness.

Almost got him that time.

Now, Artie!

Hold it!

You touch that gun
and he dies.

Now, over there.

It doesn't matter
who kills him, does it?

He dies and your countrymen
are slaughtered on that island.

My, Bea, that was
quick thinking.

Oh, shut up.

Bea!

Get over there
with them.

Get over there
with them?

Whatever are you
talking about?

Come on, do as I say.

She was going to kill you,
too, Your Highness.

Looks like you've hired
your own murderers.

What are they saying, Bea?

Do you think that I want
to spend the rest of my life

on that rotten island of yours?

But our plan.

She was going to go
along with you,

but just so far.

After we were gotten
out of the way,

she and her friends were going
to kill you, too, Your Highness.

But that's... why, it's...
it's cheating, it's dishonest.

It isn't even ladylike.

Do you think that I care

about that silly,
comic-opera kingdom of yours

and your childish
dreams of glory?

But what then?

What, what, what, what?

What is it that you
wanted from me, Bea?

The jewels, you idiot.

And I've got them now.

You can't mean it,
not the jewels.

They're fake.

Like everything else
about him.

They're paste.

The jewels,
they're paste!

You didn't really think
they were real, did you?

Is that true?

Are they?

Fake?! Paste?!

Well, answer me!

Yes, they're paste.

Why, you...

Ooh!

Don't you dare!

Put me... down!

You stop it!

Let me go!

Calm down, lady!

It's all over.

You...!

Oh, I... hate you!

You've just made
my day.

Delightful.

P�t� aux truffes
is my favorite.

Do you have any idea
how lucky you are?

By all rights, you
should be in jail.

Oh, come now, gentlemen,

divine right of kings
and all that rot, you know.

Besides, I couldn't sign
a treaty in jail, now, could I?

You tried to double-cross
your own father, kill me, and...

Artemus, you tell him.

Oh, no, not me.

It'd take me
all day.

Trivia, trivia, gentlemen.

After all, I am a barbarian.

What do you expect?

I expect a treaty,
signed, sealed and delivered.

Mmm... the treaty, the treaty-
such a bore.

All right, your government
shall have a treaty.

Your Highness, don't you
even feel a little remorse?

For what, my dear Artemus?

For doing what
comes naturally

to a half-naked savage

from the South Seas?

You're lucky I didn't try to
cook you as well as kill you.

I wonder which of you is real,
the gourmet bon vivant

or the jolly lancer
on horseback.

I haven't decided yet, James,

but when I am king, as I soon
shall be, we can decide then.

Mmm, you will come

and visit me,
won't you?

We could even
hunt together.

Hunt what?

Well, I wouldn't dream
of telling you now.

I do adore surprise endings,
don't you?