Original subtitles

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

MAN: Nine months ago, Pius XIII fell into a coma.

-You need-- -A new pope.

The cardinals might trust someone more malleable.

MAN 2: Who is this new candidate?

VOTE COUNTER: Valente. Valente. Valente.

Good God, no, he's beginning to realize it.

Realize what?

(CHEERING)

That he has power.

Starting today, we will live always in poverty.

All your finery will be salt.

(GROANS)

(PHONE BUZZES)

MAN 4: Neither one of us would ever become pope.

We have to find a third choice.

[TV static]

[bright tone]

- [speaking foreign language]

[birds chirping]

[leaves rustling]

- [exhales deeply]

[Sofi Tukker's "Good Time Girl"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ When I said it out loud, it wasn't as strong ♪

♪ As it was in my head ♪

♪ I tried not to think about it ♪

♪ So it came back louder ♪

♪ I think it's been about a year ♪

♪ Since I became a snob, decided not to play along ♪

♪ So it grew bigger ♪

♪ Me and my head have become very, very, very close ♪

♪ We decided not to tell you ♪

♪ To tell you about it ♪

♪ We're just gonna play it safe ♪

♪ Do what we know ♪

♪ Play it cool, lay low ♪

♪ Not tell you about it ♪

♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪

♪ Me and my superiority complex ♪

♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪

♪ Me and my inferiority contest ♪

♪ I'm not winning ♪

♪ But I'm having a very good time ♪

♪ ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me the good-time girl ♪

- ♪ When I said it out loud, it didn't sound as good ♪

♪ I couldn't be as proud of my original thought ♪

♪ I'm not trying to whisper what should be barked ♪

♪ But I can't imagine being out of control ♪

♪ Or knocked off the top, my head and I ♪

♪ When I'm all alone, but we're in my prime ♪

♪ Don't want the throne when I'm doing just fine ♪

♪ Just so long as I'm having a real good time ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ You can call me the good-time girl ♪

♪ ♪

[deep breathing through ventilators]

[eerie string music]

- [speaking German]

[birds squawking]

[waves crashing]

- Good morning. You're listening to Radio 103.

It's 6:00 on the dot. Time for Questions of the Day,

when we read out the questions

that have been keeping you up at night.

We've selected the ones most asked.

So here we go.

Number one: how did Pope Francis II die?

Number two: does anyone believe the story

of his sudden illness?

Number three: didn't the same thing happen

to Pope John Paul I?

[bells tolling]

Number four: isn't it true that Pope John Paul I caused

more than a few problems

for the upper echelons at the Vatican?

Number five: does history repeat itself?

Number six: who will the new pope be?

[door closes]

- Come here.

On your knees.

- Just don't get me dirty.

- [exhales softly]

[breathing heavily]

[exhales deeply]

[breathes sharply]

- I have to change.

[machine whirs]

I'm off.

- Come back with the new pope in your pocket.

By the way, they say Brannox is very attractive.

- Hmm.

Then I will use all my brazen charm

to persuade him.

- Don't get me all excited once again.

I've got a lot of projects to propose to Brannox.

- You only have one project in life, Tomas:

[whispers] to give me pleasure.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[door creaks]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

Well, Voiello,

more than one article insinuates,

between lines, of course,

that you may have had a hand

in Francis II's death.

- I can't blame them.

If I were in their shoes,

I would be suspicious of me as well.

- [chuckles] - Are you nervous?

- I am always nervous.

I am not a bland man, you know.

- What makes you nervous?

- Haste.

- I agree.

Haste drove us to make a rather questionable choice...

Francis II.

- We have to convince Brannox to accept

before we return to Rome for Francis II's funeral.

- Why do you need him to agree in advance?

- We can't afford to vote for him the conclave

and then, perhaps, he doesn't accept.

There is a risk.

I am told he is a difficult man

full of doubts and lofty.

I want a new pope on the first vote.

- Sir John is a priest of the highest caliber,

a true father figure,

wise and well-balanced.

We spent many fruitful days

of serene study together...

during the European Synod.

- They say sometimes he tends toward depression.

- And do you know of a priest

who doesn't have this tendency, Eminence?

At any rate, it's astounding how many Anglicans

he has converted to Catholicism,

a multitude.

- He did not attend the last conclave.

I find this unbecoming.

- He wasn't able to attend,

because he had to look after his elderly, ill parents.

Speaking of which, he has written me

a very moving letter, 36 pages,

which I would like to share with all of you.

- Please.

[train rumbling]

- What would Pius XIII say?

We have forgotten about Pius XIII.

- I have not forgotten him, Gutierrez.

Rather, I am trying to honor him.

Our beloved Lenny began his papacy

animated by intransigence, but in the end, he softened.

He was searching for the middle way,

which is why we are going to see Sir John Brannox.

He is the great theorist

of the middle way.

First conscience, then the papal infallibility.

First the softness of compromise,

then the dogma.

This, roughly speaking, is Sir John's philosophy

and the only philosophy

that can placate the sex scandals,

the terrorist threats,

the drift toward idolatry of Pius XIII,

and the dreadful suspicions

regarding the death of Francis II.

We are under siege. Do you understand that?

Which is why we are at haste,

and which is why we have only one viable candidate:

Sir John Brannox.

[solemn piano music]

[motor rumbles]

- The famous statue of Cardinal Newman.

I've only heard about it,

but I've never see it before.

- Who's he?

- What do you mean, who's he?

Sir John's philosophical spiritual mentor.

[bird squawks]

[owl hooting]

- It's him.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

It's not him.

We are the Vatican delegation.

His Eminence is expecting us.

- As His Eminence always says,

we are all expected sooner or later.

- I told you he tends toward depression.

- His Eminence sends his apologies,

but he was extremely tired,

and he never goes to bed later than 10:30.

He is looking forward

to seeing you all in the morning.

So allow me to show you to your rooms.

- Excuse me, but it's very important

that we see him right away.

We were planning on leaving early tomorrow morning.

- Impossibile.

Sir John never alters his habits,

not even in the face of death.

- Are there ghosts here?

- Yes. - [laughing]

[sighs, laughs]

[wailing in distance]

[melancholy string music]

♪ ♪

- I felt lonely all of a sudden.

♪ ♪

[laughs]

♪ ♪

- But if I let you come in now...

We'll feel even more lonely later.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

- You made the right decision.

Pleasure leads to pain.

[serene music playing distantly]

♪ ♪

- What's that music?

- I think it's him, Sir John.

- What's he like? Have you seen him?

- Not yet. He was tired.

- What is it, a harpsichord?

- No, it's a harp.

- [clicks tongue] You're wrong.

It's a harpsichord.

- Enough.

♪ ♪

These noblemen are looking at me.

♪ ♪

Lick me.

♪ ♪

[moans softly]

♪ ♪

[exhaling deeply]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

[moans]

♪ ♪

[gasping]

[breathing deeply]

[moaning softly]

[solemn string music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic harp flourish]

[solemn string music resumes]

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

- We'll never be apart,

will we, John?

- Never, Adam, never.

[bird chittering]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[bird chitters]

♪ ♪

[deep breathing]

♪ ♪

- Oh, there you are, Eminence.

I finally found you.

- They have been sitting there like that,

without moving an hour and ten minutes.

What is it, some sort of embalming process?

- No.

It's unbearable grief.

- Is the one in the tomb their son?

- Sir John's twin brother, Adam.

Even after 40 years,

the duke and duchess will sit there like that

for another eight hours.

And then at sunset,

Duchess Brannox will sigh just once...

And the servants will know

that it's time to go back inside.

And it's time for you to go inside as well, Eminence.

Sir John is waiting for you.

- Finally.

♪ ♪

Do you know where I might find Sir John?

- You just have, Eminence.

♪ ♪

[moans softly]

♪ ♪

- Hmm.

- So here we are faced with the frightful task

of having to converse.

- Unfortunately, they still have not discovered

any better way to make someone's acquaintance.

- Nonsense, of course they have.

What about love at first sight

followed by amorous passion, savage and silent?

- That would make me uncomfortable.

So let's stick with an old-fashioned conversation.

I am-- - You are the star.

Everyone knows who you are,

His Eminence Cardinal Angelo Voiello.

Do you know how many times

I read your delightful "Man Behind the Scenes"?

- No, how many?

- Once, because I said to myself,

"If I read this book again,

there is a good chance I will turn decidedly bad."

♪ ♪

[bone cracks] [groans softly]

♪ ♪

So how do you find me?

- I would say well, Eminence.

- Enchafed.

It's only others who truly know how I am.

- I imagine that you can well imagine the reason

for our reason.

- I have no imagination, Eminence.

So in order to lead an acceptable existence,

I've learned to pare down the questions.

- Then allow me to inform you--

- Have you already seen my parents?

- I believe I caught a glimpse of them.

- Oh, you were very fortunate.

It is not easy to intercept them.

They live in the other wing of the castle,

the north wing, so as to scrupulously avoid

ever having to see me.

- Family dynamics can be wearing.

- Everything can be wearing here:

the weather, the food, the monotony, London.

Do you know why my parents never, ever wish to see me?

- No, why?

- Because they believe I did not do enough

to save the life of my twin brother, Adam,

their favorite son,

on a cold winter's day back in 1985.

- I am sorry.

- Oh, there's little to be sorry about now.

My parents are only doing what all humans do:

blaming everything on others.

However, at least we Catholics blame everything on God.

- Actually, we give him all the credit.

- Is that not the same thing?

Tell me...

How much of his life does the secretary of state

spend informing himself?

- All of it.

Even when I pray, I inform myself.

- That joke is terribly funny,

even though I did not laugh.

How is our beloved Pius XIII?

- Stable, but still in a coma, unfortunately.

- Pius XIII was a great pope.

I wept when I learnt his condition was irreversible.

Oh, how I wept.

Do you weep, Eminence?

[somber music]

- Far too often, more than one would expect

of the secretary of state.

- And what do you weep for?

- For Hollywood romances and friends who suffer.

♪ ♪

And you? What do you weep for?

- For the inexhaustible imperfection of the world.

♪ ♪

- It must not be easy being you.

- It is not.

♪ ♪

I want to make one thing

perfectly clear from the start.

I loved my brother, Adam.

[dog barks]

- Sir John, when will I see you again?

♪ ♪

- [chuckles]

♪ ♪

A question a lover would ask, Eminence.

♪ ♪

[rain pattering]

- Last night, in my room, I felt a clear presence

of Pius XIII next to me.

[thunder rumbling]

♪ ♪

[thunder cracks]

♪ ♪

[bird chirping]

♪ ♪

- What sort of woman do you think she is?

♪ ♪

- Pardon my vulgarity, sir,

but she is a beauty.

♪ ♪

- Why did you not bring me my box last night?

- I did bring it, Sir John.

I left it on your bedside table

in the usual place.

- I couldn't find it.

Though I managed to fall asleep anyway.

♪ ♪

- Perhaps it's a sign.

♪ ♪

- Perhaps.

[wheels squeaking distantly]

♪ ♪

- They're coming back early.

♪ ♪

[curious music]

Strange.

♪ ♪

[deep breathing]

- So Eminence, the reason for our visit--

- How did Francis II die, actually?

- Heart attack. - Like John Paul I?

- Exactly, one of Giambattista Vico's

ever-recurring cycles of human history.

- Your brazen tendency

to oversimplify alarms me, Voiello.

I suffered when Great Britain voted in favor of Brexit...

Another small step toward

the deChristianization of Europe.

- You already sound like a pope, Eminence.

- And you like an aspiring secretary of state, Eminence.

Do tell, Gutierrez,

how is the weather in Rome these days?

I haven't been there since I was young,

when I was a student at Gregorian University.

- Constantly mild, Eminence.

- Not here.

Here, the weather is a torment

and life ends up adapting to the weather.

- Rome is different.

Rome is joyful

and life ends up adapting itself to Rome.

[snickers]

How large is your estate, Eminence?

- No idea.

Around 2,500 acres or so I would have thought.

- The Vatican is only 108.

- It would be so much easier to manage, Eminence.

- Quite frankly, I'm astounded at the method you chose

to make me such a proposal,

as if you're offering me a position as CEO.

- They are pretending to be unaware

of the enormous spiritual weight...

that such a mission requires.

To be pope, Eminence, is a martyrdom,

and after Pius XIII, it's a burden.

And after Francis II...

it's suspect.

- Thank you for your precious help, Gutierrez,

but being pope is not a martyrdom.

It is an enormous privilege.

- Eminence, I am astounded

at the results you have obtained,

all those Anglicans converting to Catholicism.

How did you do it?

- By talking about other things.

For years, these rooms were

a temple for lighthearted encounters.

People expect a priest to talk about religion,

but I knew that a revealed religion must be poetic.

So I would speak with them about golf,

Holderlin, Montale,

and the Arsenal football club,

and the way women have of crossing their legs.

Poetry.

And they would discover what it means to be Catholic,

means being everything,

for everything belongs to the grace of God.

I could hear myself talking

and realized that I was playing a part.

Good actors know that at a certain point,

it is time to withdraw from the stage.

- But great actors die on stage,

because they never stop improving.

[solemn music]

- I'm growing, I know.

♪ ♪

"Growth is the only evidence of life,"

Cardinal Newman used to say.

But the everlasting question is,

do I want to grow?

Do I want to live?

♪ ♪

You want me to be the next pope.

♪ ♪

The Church is naked,

and you believe the most suitable outfit

in which to clothe her is my famous middle way.

But since the Church is already naked,

before dressing her again, you need to examine her

the way a doctor would.

♪ ♪

Diagnosing the Church is a colossal enterprise, Voiello,

which you underestimate gravely.

It is essential to distinguish

between what is physiological

and what is pathological in the body of the Church.

- There; His Eminence has just

explained to you the basic principle of the middle way.

♪ ♪

Will you take the stage again, Sir John?

♪ ♪

- I don't know.

I don't know.

You oversimplify things, Voiello.

[hoof stamps]

♪ ♪

Today was the first day in a long while

I was unable to speak with God.

The words that came to me were ugly.

- Ugly?

How?

- False.

♪ ♪

- And just like that, the flower blossomed

right before my eyes...

Placed a hand on my belly and whispered:

"I feel it, Holy Father.

I feel it."

And Pius XIII...

without looking at me, closed his eyes

and said in a voice

filled with grace:

"I feel it too, Ester.

"Yes, you're pregnant.

"You will have a beautiful baby boy,

"but, please, let's not call it a miracle.

Let's let mystery remain mystery."

♪ ♪

- Beautiful. [sniffles]

Beautiful, Ester.

Your story gives us joy.

It restores our hope.

Yes, hope.

♪ ♪

- 200 euros?

We agreed on 500.

- Please, don't you start busting my balls now too.

I'm already late.

200's all I can give you.

Besides, you already told that miracle bullshit

a thousand times on every TV in the world.

[bell tolls]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Do you like it?

♪ ♪

- Do you come here to pray or to drink?

- Well, first he drinks,

then he prays to God to help him stop.

- [laughs]

- Barolo Anversano.

♪ ♪

- To Brannox. - To Brannox.

♪ ♪

- You're really sure he'll be the new pope?

- I've got an insider, very reliable.

- Who? - My wife.

- Your plan is brilliant, Tomas.

You give new luster to the term wheeler-dealer.

- I still don't understand why you're so sure

you can get into Brannox's good graces.

- Relax, Guicciardini, relax.

- I'm the minister of economy and finance.

Do you realize how exposed I am?

So please don't tell me to relax,

because that only makes me more upset.

- Guicciardini, look, the point is this:

it's not me who will want to get

into Brannox's good graces.

It's Brannox, the new pope...

who will want to get into my good graces.

♪ ♪

- I don't understand.

- In the Vatican, whoever knows the pope's secret becomes,

in reality, the pope.

Now guess who the only person is

who knows the pope's unspeakable secret?

- You.

- You're a quick learner, Dullio, for a populist, huh?

- What's the secret?

- [laughs]

[light clicks on]

[wailing in distance]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[cell phone camera clicks]

♪ ♪

- Can you picture these photos on lighters,

key chains, ashtrays?

I can imagine a healthy sale of papal gadgets, can't you?

- I am thinking bigger than that.

I can imagine a healthy trade of souls.

♪ ♪

- He did finally say, "I don't know."

If you ask me, "I don't know" means "yes."

- But he is still so wary, so diffident.

He's studying us.

- But we are supposed to be studying him.

- What is there to study?

He has all the necessary qualifications

to make a great pope:

the soporific calm that is in perfect harmony

with the Vatican's heartbeat,

the charisma to make people forget

the recent past...

the moral equilibrium to defuse the turbulence of the present.

- And what about the future?

- Don't be so naive, Aguirre.

The Church doesn't have time to worry about the future.

- What's more, he's persuasive, seductive,

he envelopes you.

The man seems to be made of velvet.

What do you think, Eminence?

- I think we have to hurry.

We don't have much time.

We must raise the question directly.

Leave the talking to me.

- Ma'am, Eminences...

Sir John would like to speak with you.

But, Eminence...

might I have a word...

in private?

I've been looking after Sir John since he was a boy.

He is a magnificent person,

but he's also fragile...

Delicate, a piece of porcelain.

Beautiful, glazed and molded by great artists,

but he's porcelain nevertheless.

His life has been burdened with crippling sorrows

and unspeakable disappointments.

- We will not be another disappointment.

Sir John will become pope

at the first round of voting.

It will be the swiftest conclave in history.

I promise.

[somber string music]

♪ ♪

[bird chirps distantly]

♪ ♪

- I am a fragile, delicate man.

- True, a piece of porcelain.

Am I right?

- A beautiful piece of porcelain.

- Perhaps what you need is a man of steel.

- No, that is what lay governments

and stupid people need.

We are the Church, Sir John.

Our duty is love.

- Do you know what I crave?

- What?

- That you would speak to me of this love.

- Now...

I will truly be honest, Sir John.

I am rather weak on that topic.

I would risk ruining everything.

- In that case, perhaps Monsignor Gutierrez will

speak to me of love.

♪ ♪

- Love is an abstract concept,

but a necessary one.

♪ ♪

Like happiness, like intelligence...

Like God.

♪ ♪

When I was a boy...

A man took advantage of me.

And as he did so,

he would say...

"God does not exist."

And I would answer back in God's place...

"Even if He doesn't exist...

We desperately need to believe He's there."

♪ ♪

- And you, Eminence, what is love to you?

♪ ♪

- A vagrant lies dying on a street corner.

The government says to him, "I'll help you."

The doctor says to him, "I'll cure you."

His daughter says to him, "I'll give you money."

His friend says to him, "I'll share my wine with you."

♪ ♪

And the Church says nothing to him.

♪ ♪

The Church is thinking about him.

♪ ♪

- Will you accept, Eminence?

- Tonight, I will search

for the answer hidden in my heart.

Tonight, the Church is thinking about that vagrant...

And I will be thinking about the Church.

♪ ♪

[gentle harp chords playing]

♪ ♪

[ominous music]

- [breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

[machine beeping slowly]

♪ ♪

- [speaking foreign language]

[TV clicks off]

[Karmic's "Higher Self"] - ♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, you're making me better ♪

♪ You're making me bright ♪

♪ You're making me fuller ♪

♪ You're making me tight ♪

♪ I'm believing in order ♪

♪ I practice, I preach ♪

♪ You're making me over ♪

♪ You're making me reach ♪

♪ I wanted to grow up ♪

♪ And live a good life ♪

♪ You're making me show up ♪

♪ And now I wanna be on time ♪

♪ You're making aware ♪

♪ You're making me brave ♪

♪ Oh, ooh, oh, ooh ♪

♪ And I'm talking, talking, talking ♪

♪ To my higher self ♪

♪ I wouldn't do it for anyone else ♪

♪ I wouldn't do it for anyone else ♪

♪ ♪

[bright tone]

♪ (UPTEMPO MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

JOHN BRANNOX: I, John Brannox, may be the next pope.

The world is waiting.

(CAMERA FLASHING)

What, no nudes?

-We only have one problem. -(APPLAUSE)

The problem, brothers... is love.

All the suffering in the world is distortions of love.

I shall now live my life in the service of the Church

and its people!

And you shall be condemned to be proud of me,

you poor old bastards.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪