Original subtitles

- Carol, what's this notice supposed to mean? - What does it say?

“We will be painting the walls on Monday. Building maintenance.“

Well, I'm only a receptionist, but I think it means...

that building maintenance will be painting the walls on Monday.

I want to know why they're painting the walls.

Come on,jerry. These walls are drab.

Looks like the inside of a medical building.

Perhaps there's a reason for that?

- Yeah, but why does the color have to be so depressing? - It's not. It's blue.

Aha. That's right. Blue, for the blues.

Feeling blue, low down. Mood/ozftgo.

[Quoting Lyrics]

YOUI' mama W83 wrong.

What about- [ Quoting Lyrics] Blue, happy.

Yellow is happy. You know.

[Quoting Lyrics] “Come on, get yellow.“

Bob, what color do you think the walls should be?

- What color are they now? - Blue.

- Really? - They'd be happier being yellow.

Well, we don't want to have sad walls.

Oh. Take a look at this.

Guess who's coming to town- Cliff Murdock. My old college buddy.

The one they call the Peeper because in college...

he used to look through binoculars into the girls' dorm?

- That's the guy. - The guy's a buffoon.

You didn't like him because he put fake rubber vomit on your desk.

Uh, Carol, would you call Emily and tell her...

that Cliff will be staying with us?

Bob, Emily and I are friends, and I'd like to keep it that way.

UhJerry, would you call Emily-

[Chuckles] Not a chance.

Okay then. Um- Carol, take a letter.

- Take my advice here and say it with flowers. - Good idea.

Um, order a dozen roses...

and include this note.

Um, “Dear Emily, I love you very much.

“L knowl should say it more often.

“Have a nice day.

Your loving husband, Bob.“

“Uh, P.S...

Cliff Murdock may drop in for a month.“

[Steady Tone]

Bob.

Are you listening to the test pattern...

or should I shut off the TV set?

- What, uh- What time is it? - It's 1:30.

- I'm going to bed. -[Shuts Off]

You're going to bed before the Peeper gets here?

The Peeper said he'd be here in time for dinner.

- He said he'd try to get here for dinner. - He's not gonna make it.

Yeah. You're right.

- All right. We'll have dinner without him. - Bob.

I am not gonna cook at 1:30 in the morning.

You don't have to cook. just, you know, toss a salad for us.

- I'm going to bed. - I'm gonna wait up for my friend.

Doesn't it bother you that your friend didn't even call to tell you where he is?

Maybe he doesn't know where he is.

Maybe he's hurt or stranded, or maybe he's dead.

He got tired, pulled off the road, and he's staying at a motel.

That is ridiculous. He's dead.

He was probably racing here, going 6O miles an hour,

try to get here on time before dinner...

because he knows how mad you get if the vegetables are overcooked.

Falls asleep at the wheel, goes off the road, bang, into a concrete abutment.

Good night.

- [Knocking] - That's him.

That's him. He's alive.

Hey, hey. hey"

Hey, hey. hey-

- it's you. - Yeah, f??? sorry.

I know it's late, but I, uh-

I locked myself out of my apartment.

- I just came over to get my extra key. - Come on in, Howard.

That is really stupid, locking yourself out of your own apartment.

What if we'd have been asleep?

Well, I wouldvejust, uh, pounded on the door until you woke up.

Sure,just waltz in here any time you feel like it.

- What's he so cranky about? - He's worried about his friend.

Sneaker?

The Peeper.

Oh, well. I'll, uh, get my mail some other time.

Oh, here you are, Howard. Take it now.

Well, I was gonna borrow some milk for tomorrow morning...

but I'll, uh- I'll just eat my cereal dry.

Come on in, Howard. Take the milk.

- Anything else? - Well, yes, there is something e/se.

[No Audible Dialogue]

- Thank you. - You need a bowl?

And a spoon.

- Anything else, Howard? - No, nothing else.

Well-

Sure. Go ahead.

Please. Allow me.

Hey, hey. hey-

Bob, you are acting like an idiot.

There's no reason to take it out on Howard.

I am not taking it out on Howard. I'm taking it out on you.

Well,you're taking it out on Howard too.

I bet he didn't get half the things he came over for.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - He's back for the rest.

- Cm away - [Cliff] I just got here!

The Peeper. It's the Peeper.

Hey, hey. hey!

Sorry I'm late. I was all over town looking for sparklers.

Hold these for a minute, will ya, Bob?

Okay, Emily. Now's our chance.

- [ Laughing] - Oh!

Well, this crazy goon sneaks over to the Sigma Chi House...

in the middle of the night dressed as a skunk...

and puts a stink bomb in their homecoming float.

What a card.

- Wait till you hear what he did at the homecoming dance. - Tell me. Tell me.

Well, in place of the regular glasses at the refreshment table...

he substituted dribble glasses.

[Laughing]

Uh, why- why is that funny?

When they went to drink their punch, it dribbled all over their clothes.

- [ Laughing] - Yeah.

And it stained their dresses and tuxedoes.

Oh, I'm sure it did.

And they- they had to send them to the cleaners.

I mean, that's- that's funny.

Uh, Bob, maybe she doesn't know what a dribble glass is.

She knows what it is.

- No, I don't. - You do too.

You know what you two cards ought to do? Put all those madcap capers in a book...

and share it with the rest of the world.

I'm going to bed.

It's only a quarter of3zOO.

♪♪ [ Singing 1

- Good night, Cliff. - Good night, Emily.

Remember what you did at the next year's homecoming dance?

Good night, Bob.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Um-

I'll be in bed in a couple minutes.

Take your time.

Boy, she's some terrific gal, that Emily.

You were so lucky to find her.

You two were meant for each other.

You and Emily are two A-number-one people.

{Chuck/mg} - Two in a million. T-

[Sobs] Such a wonderful marriage.

- [ Laughing] -[sobbing]

Cut it out, Cliff.

- [ Laughing] - Bob, my wife left me.

[Laughing]

Twenty-two years of marriage right down the drain.

[Laughing]

Wait'll you hear this.

- She ran off with the milkman. - [ Laughing]

You're- You're laughing, aren't you, Bob?

That's the funniest story I've ever heard in my life.

With the milkman. [Laughing]

It didn't seem funny when I read this note she left me.

Don't- Don't tell me. It's written in milk, right?

No. No. Read it.

“Dear Cliff“- [Chuckles]

“Sorry it had to end this way.“

[Laughing]

" But you know it's been coming for a long time.“

[Chuckling] “I guess it made sense once, but“-

[Stuttering] “but not anymore.

Sincerely, Marie.“

This, uh- this is the truth, isn't it?

Yeah. That's why I'm in Chicago.

You and Emily were always so nice to me.

I've got no one else to turn to.

Geez, I... feel terrible, Cliff.

Oh, it's not your fault, Bob.

You didn't know.

Otherwise, you wouldn't have made such a fool of yourself.

- I could use a drink. - Yeah, me too.

I've gotjust what the doctor ordered.

Marie got the milk, and I got the booze.

She, uh-she really ran off with the milkman?

Yeah. He'd been our milkman for a long time.

So he wasn't a complete stranger.

I'm sorry, uh- sorry I laughed, Cliff.

I don't mind. To laughter.

To laughter.

Hi,jer.

Carol, the walls are orange.

How perceptive.

It's a joke, isn't it?

Who gave 'em permission? Who told 'em to paint them this color?

Why didn't they check with anybody? When did this happen?

What gives them the right? Who are they?

Isn't there anything that we can do about this?

Mercy!

Actually, I kinda like it.

- I'm starting to like it myself. - Bob'll hate it.

I don't know. I think he'll like it.

He doesn't have any taste either.

- No. I think he'll hate it. - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

- Hi. - Hi, Bob.

[Carol] Well, Bob, What do you think?

We're out of sugar.

Yeah, but what do you think?

Well, let's get some.

You know, I'm worried about the Peeper. He hasn't been himself.

Hasn't left the apartment. Hasn't even gotten out of his bathrobe.

Why don't you tell him to do something positive instead of wallowing in self-pity?

I couldn't tell the Peeper that. He's too- too sensitive.

The man who put raw pieces of chicken in your sock drawer...

is sensitive?

Just, uh-just because a man is fond of practical jokes-

I mean, that doesn't mean he isn't sensitive.

He really put raw pieces of chicken in your sock drawer?

Yeah. Necks, wings.

Thighs.

Gizzards.

- It was funny. - I don't think that's funny.

A sock full of gizzards isn't funny?

Oh, gizzards.

I thought you said lizards. Oh!

This guy, this- this clown whose-

whose greatestjoy in life is making fun of himself and people around him...

is sitting alone in his bathrobe...

a whimpering, shattered hulk.

- Maybe we could cheer him up. - Yeah, let's put some gizzards in his robe.

,','[Piano]

'JM Ends] - Hey!

Kenny, you're the greatest.

Uh, thanks for requesting thatjerry.

That was Marie's and my favorite song.

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

Yeah. That and Day-O.

[Quoting Lyrics]

You'll be okay, Peep.

[Quoting Lyrics]

Hey, Peep. There you go. She's all yours.

See the way she was lookin' at you?

She wasn't looking at me.

I think she was lookin' at me.

Actually, she was looking at me...

but I'd be willing to step aside for the Peep here.

- Hi. - Hi!

- I'm Rosemary. - Vmjerry.

And this is our pal Cliff from Vermont.

He's turned over a new leaf and ready to start living again!

- Who's he? - [jer/y] He'; Bob. He'; married.

Hi, Bob.

[Quoting Lyrics]

You never met Marie, did you,jerry?

No, but she sounds tall.

Hey, Bob?

Yeah.

Let's get outta here.

See, I, uh- I may have given you the wrong impression.

I don't think so.

I've been looking for a guy like you all my life.

Well, if, uh-if you're looking for a guy like me...

then you gotta meet Cliff Murdock.

He's a lot like me. Matter of fact, he's more like me than I am.

Say- Say something, Cliff.

[Quoting Lyrics]

Good. Good, Cliff.

Jerry, let's, uh- let's take a table over there...

and let's let them get to know each other, and we'll see what happens.

Nothing's gonna happen as long as he keeps talking about his wife.

Married guys are poison in a place like this.

Hi. I'm Paula.

I'm, uh, I'm poison.

- Wanna dance? - No. No. No, thanks.

I don't wanna dance either. Uh, check me later though.

L-I can't get over it. The women here are blatant.

It's like they want to be picked up.

And it's easy. Watch.

Hey, Sharon. Come over here.

Hi, Gary!

- U h, j erry. Jerry.

You seen Gary?

- No. No, I haven't. - Who's your friend?

- What, this guy? - Yeah. The one with the blue eyes.

- He's married. - Stay outta this, Gary.

This is between me and Blue Eyes.

Leave him alone. He's married.

Okay!

I'm, uh, here every night.

Leave me alone too. I've had it with you.

I'm sorry, Bob. It's not fair.

She was using you to get back at me.

Hey, Bob, uh, I want to go back to your house.

Yeah. Yeah, so do I.

What happened to the honey?

I know it sounds silly, but if anything happened...

I would have felt like I was cheating.

Okay. She's fair game then.

You guys watch Dr. Robinson prepare to operate. [Clicks Tongue]

Hi, Poison.

Hi. Hi, Paula.

What's happening?

We werejust getting ready to split.

- What's your hurry? - We, uh- we wanna catch Barnaby/ones.

Hi again, Bob.

Hi. Hi, Rosie.

Do you mind if I sit?

Uh, sure. Sure, why- why don't we all- Why don't we all sit?

Jerry, why don't you come over?

I'm splittin'. This place is deadsville.

Well, here we are, the four of us.

Uh, I-l think I'm gonna go back to Bob's house.

Bob's house? That's all right with us.

No, I-l think he meant alone.

So it's just the three of us.

That's okay too.

[Chuckles]

Well, I hate- hate to disappoint you ladies...

but, uh, I'm gonna be checking out, myself.

Well, fest/a vie.

Yeah, take- take care, Rosie.

So long, Poison.

Sleep, uh- Sleep warm, Paula.

What bar did they go to? Maybe I still have a chance to get there.

Some place called The Sure Thing.

The Sure Thing? You let 'em go there?

Howard- Howard, I want to askyou something.

Emily, look. I swear I've only been to The Sure Thing once.

L, uh- I just got lucky, that's all.

Howard, I just want to askyou.

What do you think of Cliff?

You mean the Honker?

It's the Peeper.

Oh, I, uh-l feel sorry for him, you know?

I know what he's going through.

Sheer heck.

Honey.

Oh, hi, Bob. Hi, Tweeter.

- You're home early. - Yeah, old, uh, Blue Eyes is back.

- Well, how was The Sure Thing? - It was, uh- it was dead.

Yeah. It always is.

[Laughing] Whoo!

- Well, I'm gonna go get myjammies on. - [ Laughing]

Jammies? They went out with high button shoes.

And Marie went out with the milkman.

That night on the town sure helped him.

- Easy, Emily. - Easy yourself.

Bob, when are you gonna stop coddling him?

I'm not coddling him. I'm- I'mjust- I'm helping him.

Well, with you helping him, he doesn't have to do anything for himself.

He's- He's coming along.

Bob, I can't open the Hide-A-Bed!

All right. I'll get it.

Uh, Bob. while you're in there...

why don't you fluff his pillow?

Look, Emily, maybe he's a little dependent on me right now...

because I'm the only friend he's got.

[Metal Clattering]

Now what happened?

The bed flipped up again. lfl'd have been in it, I'd have been killed.

- I'll, uh- I'll fix it. - No, that's okay.

I don't feel like sleeping now.

- Well, I do. Good night. - Good night, Emily.

Thanks for everything.

I wish Marie had've known you. You'd have been good friends.

I'm sure we would have, Cliff.

She wants me out of here, doesn't she?

Look, you- you stay as long as you want.

I knew you'd say that.

- Well, I'm- I'm your friend. - I know you're my friend.

You listen to everything I say about Marie...

laugh at all myjokes, give me a place to sleep.

Pay for my meals.

That's- That's what friends are for.

If you were really my friend...

you'd tell me to get out, make me stand on my own two feet.

Well, I- I can't do that.

I can't tell you to get out.

Okay. Then I have no choice.

I'm gonna stay forever.

But please fix my bed.

And tomorrow, tell the phone company to install a private line.

I want you to buy me a car...

and, uh, find me a job that pays at least $35,000 a year, okay?

- What kind of car? - Uh, Rolls-Royce.

- Get out. - I'm glad you saw it my way.

We could spend our lives reminiscing, but it wouldn't do either one of us any good.

- That's why I've gotta go. - Go where?

I don't know. West?

South. Somewhere. Maybe north.

How 'bout east?

That's possible. East is Vermont.

Vermont is my home.

I've got a house to take care of, a job to get back to.

A new milkman to break in.

Anyway...

I'll be outta here tomorrow.

L- I just wish there was something else I could do.

Ah, you've done enough. You've been my friend.

- Hi. - Hi, Bob.

- Well, the Peeper's on his way. - Where'd he go?

Northeast, I think.

- Did you check your sock drawer? - Yep.

- Any gizzards? - Six.

- Livers? - Four.

Funny.

You're tel I I n' me.

I Typing]

[Typing Stops]

What the hell happened to the walls? They're orange.

They've been orange for a week.

Get 'em outta here.

[ Mews]