Original subtitles

Ah, boy, that was delicious. You couldn't get a better meal on an airplane.

- Guess where we went today. - Went to the museum.

I didn't mean you, Dad. I wanted Aunt Emily to guess.

- Which museum did you go to? - The mummy one.

He means the Museum ofArchaeology.

- I've been there. it's fascinating. - Yeah, full of old stuff.

Yeah, that's the way museums are. They just can't seem to throw anything out.

Then after the museum, we went to a rock concert in the park.

Yeah, we saw a group called Sensible Shoes.

At the end of their act, they smashed their instruments...

and tried to set fire to the audience.

- That old gimmick, huh? - Yeah. It sounds like a perfect day.

- Yeah. We had a great time. - We sure did.

We have a great time every weekend.

Yeah. I wish I could be with you all the time.

I wish I could live with you.

Yeah, that'd be nice.

Then I wouldn't have to spend my evenings alone...

reading and listening to the radio.

Oh, uh, is that what you do with your evenings?

Well, not- not every evening.

Sometimes he does charity work or visits people in the hospital.

But mostly he's alone.

The man's a saint.

It's time for me to take you home. Come on, Howie.

- Thanks for the dinner, Aunt Emily. Hey, later, Bob. - Mm-hmm.

L-I can dig it.

- You get your stuff, and I'll take you home. - All right, Dad.

Did you hear that? He wants to come live with me.

Out of all the people in Chicago, he wants to live with me!

Three million people, and he picked his own father.

You know, Howard, I don't think it's a good idea that Howie lives with you.

- Why not? - I think he'll get bored...

listening to the radio and visiting all those hospitals all the time.

That's not the only reason. lflittle Howie came to live with you...

then he'd have to change schools and make new friends...

and there wouldn't be anyone to take care of him...

because your job takes you away all the time.

- I'll quit my job. - Big money in that.

Oh, I don't even know why we're discussing it.

I mean, Lois would never- She'd never go for it.

It's no sense in calling her. lfl did call her, she'd say no.

I'd be cordial and considerate and perfectly reasonable...

and she'd be hysterical!

Acornered animal. Watch this. I'll call her.

I know what she'll say. She'll say, “Never, Howard.

Not in a million years, Howard. Nothing doing, Howard.“

Calls me Howard. Lois, Howard.

What do you mean, what I want? I'll tell you what I want!

I want little Howie to come here and live with me!

What do you think of that, Lois? That's perfect!

Fine, Lois! That's just fine, fine!

- What'd she say, Howard? - She said, “Fine?

What, Carol, 1 O minutes to get doughnuts?

Forgive me for waiting for the elevator.

I should've shimmied up the shaft.

Let's see what you got me here.

Three glazed, one marmalade center, $1.17.

- Oh, they've gone up. -jer, $1.17.

I heard you. It's outrageous.

Plus $3.62 for the last three times...

makes it a total of $4.79.

Not that I'm keeping track.

When you figure it out exactly, Carol,you let me know, huh?

Jer, come here a minute.

You see, I don't mind, Carol.

-I like 'em smashed. - Fine.

Drop these in the mail chute for me, will you, please?

I like dropping mail in the chute too.

I like to hear 'em go “plunk” when they hit the bottom.

[Whistles] Plunk. Nice.

Well, if you wanna hear a really wonderful plunk...

stick around and watch the clinic's mail go by at exactly 9:00.

- Exactly 9:00, Carol? Nothing can be that precise. - Wanna bet?

- Sure. - How about $4.79?

- How about a buck? - You're on.

- Check your watch. - it's amazing.

That'll be $1.

It's amazing. [Laughs]

That was amazing.

- Thank you, Howard. - Oh, thank you. It was worth it.

- Is Bob in? - He'll be here in a minute.

Help yourself to some coffee. I'll be right back.

That's okay. You mind if I just stick around and watch this for a while?

It's your dollar.

- Hi, Howard. - Waita minute.

What, uh- What are you doing, Howard?

I don't know, but it cost a buck.

[ Door Opens, Closes]

[Laughs]

Bob, would you mind, uh, going over this schedule with me?

- What- What schedule? - Howie's schedule for when he moves in.

- Sure. Tell it to me. - Okay. All right.

Now, first of all, I think he should go to, uh, a school of some sort.

How about, uh, an elementary one?

Yeah. Okay, and, uh, after school, I think he should come home from it.

When the- When the school lets out.

Right. I think every morning and night...

he should have, uh, breakfast and dinner.

Why?

'Cause I want him to have everything I had when I was a kid.

- How about lunch? - Well, I don't think that would hurt.

Let me write that down. “Lunch?

What do you think about him brushing his teeth twice a day and taking a bath?

A bath.

Maybe he could do that after he brushes his teeth.

I don't know. I take a bath, and then I brush my teeth.

You take a bath with dirty teeth?

I never thought of it that way. Disgusting. Right. Scratch that out.

Howard, is this, uh, schedule really necessary?

Oh, I don't know, Bob. I really don't know.

You know, I'm- I'm scared.

I don't know anything about raising a kid all by myself, you know?

Well, all you can do is try, Howard.

Yeah. I'll just have to love him and be the best possible father he can have.

- Good. - lfthe kid turns out rotten, it's his mother's fault.

Howard, uh, let us know if Emily and I can be ofany help.

Good, because Saturdayl want Emily to pick out a full-time babysitter...

and I want you to coordinate all of Howie's activities.

- Oh, uh, what about you? - I'll be out of town. Why?

- All, uh-All weekend? - Yeah. Well, I'll call you and make sure everything's okay.

Look, I gotta go, and, uh, don't let me down.

I'm, uh, counting on you.

Yeah, I'll- I'll try my best, Howard.

All you can do is try. That's all any parent can do.

L-I'm not a parent, Howard. I'm the next-door neighbor.

Well, then, you'll just have to try harder.

I hope I get thejob babysitting. I love caring for children, you know.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Walker. I think we've got enough to go on.

- We, uh- We appreciate your coming by. - Oh, the pleasure was all mine.

Well, we'll, uh- we'll let you know what we decide.

- Uh, how can I get in touch with you? - Oh, through my parole officer.

Uh, th-that's the number there on the paper.

Uh, will you be around th-this weekend?

Well, I have to be. I'm not allowed to leave town.

I like her. Let's hire her.

Well, that's five down and no prospects.

That's your responsibility. I'm just the coordinator.

Maybe we're not asking the right questions.

Well, we can ask the questions on, uh, Howard's questionnaire.

“Question number one: if parents still living...

please state reason.

Question number two: Do you own your own clothes?“

Okay, Emily, where do you want this?

Oh, ask Bob. He's the coordinator.

Ah, let's see. It's part of a bed. Put it in the bedroom.

See, that's why he's the coordinator. I would've suggested the bathroom.

You wanna give me a hand with this, Bob?

I'm the coordinatonjerry.

I'll show you where it is.

You look very distinguished in the hat.

Yeah.

Hello. I'm here to see about the babysitting job.

Oh, uh-

Uh, won't you come in? I'm- I'm Emily Hartley.

- I'm Mitzi Margolis. - Uh-huh.

- Oh, you'rejust moving in. - Uh, no.

Actually, I'm a neighbor. This is little Howie's stuff.

Howie?

- What? - Well, no...

this isjerry Robinson, a friend of the family.

This is Mitzi Margoiis.

- How do you do? - Hello.

[Clears Throat] She's here to see about the babysitting job.

Uh-huh. [Chuckles]

Pay her whatever she wants.

[Sighs]

- Well, who- who have we here? - [Emily Chuck/es ]

Mitzi Margoiis, this is my husband Dr. Hartley.

- Just, uh-just call me Bob. - Oh.

[Clears Throat] Have you, uh- Have you had any experience?

As a babysitter. [Chuckles]

- Yes, ma'am, I have. - Uh, you canjust skip the “ma'am.“

This is my resume and a complete list of references.

Well, that's it for me. Welcome aboard, Mitzi.

Uh, Bob, don't you think we should consult Howie about this?

- Why? - Because she's gonna be his babysitter.

[Chuckles] W-Would you ask him to come out here?

Oh, he's, uh, busy with his collection.

- Collection of what? - I don't know, but they eat insects.

Then it's not stamps.

Not unless they're killer stamps.

- [ Laughing] - [ Laughing]

[Forced Chuckling] Uh-huh.

Howie, you wanna come out here?

Howie, uh, this is Mitzi Margoiis...

and she's here to see about the babysitting job.

- She's, uh, one of the leading contenders. - Hello, Howie.

Well, w-what do you think, Howie?

Pay her whatever she wants.

Where's, uh- Where's Howie?

- He's bothering Unclejerry. - I thought he was watching the mail chute.

He was till he ran out of money.

[Phone Rings]

Dr. Hartley's office.

Why, yes, we'll accept the charges.

- We will? - It's Howard.

Of course it is.

Hi, Howard.

You're- You're in Cleveland?

Y-You're over Cleveland.

So this is, uh, an air-to-ground phone call I'm paying for.

Yeah, uh-

The people on the ground look like ants, do they?

L-I don't thinkyou could see real ants from that altitude, Howard.

It is a big sky...

and a darn great land.

Yeah. You call about anything special, Howard?

Howie's fine. He-He's all moved in.

Oh, uh, we-we got a babysitter.

Uh, Mitzi.

As a matter of fact, she does.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow then, Howard.

Over and out.

That- That means good-bye.

L-I'm sorry, Howard. G-Good-bye.

L-I didn't mean to confuse you.

Bob, you gotta get Howie outta my office.

- What's the matter? - He's asking too many embarrassing questions.

- Like- Like what? - Well, he wants to know...

all the technical names for all of my dental equipment.

For instance, what do you call this little thing with a mirror on it?

I've always called it “that little thing with a mirror on it.“

That's what I've always called it.

Let's just keep calling it that.

You know what's gonna happen? Pretty soon he's gonna start asking questions about sex.

- I'm sure he will. He asked me. - What'd you tell him?

I told him, uh, sex was, uh, an expression of love...

between two people who, um-

who are, um...

very, very fond of each other.

That's real nice, Bob. What are you gonna tell him if he asks where babies come from?

None of your businessJerry.

Don't tell me. Let me pick it up on the streets.

I hope Howard recognizes Howie.

He hasn't seen him since he moved in.

I hope so too. I'm getting tired...

of sitting with him every night watching Westerns on television.

Y-You know what he asked me last night?

He said, “Why can't the sheepherders get along with the cattlemen?“

- What'd you tell him? - I said to stay out of it.

- It wasn't his fight. - Go to work, Bob.

Yeah, I have to get started. I gotta be through by 3:00.

Howie's coming down, and I promised I'd show him the urology lab.

- You think he's gonna enjoy that? - I don't see how.

- I gotta do something with him. -just remember, you're the one...

who hired the babysitter who wasn't gonna be able to start for a week...

because she was in the finals of a beauty contest.

- Hello. - Oh, hi, Howard.

- You're home a half day early. - Yeah, and not a moment too soon.

I just checked my apartment. Howie's room is a mess.

Well, talk to the coordinator.

- What's the story, Bob? - The killer stamps escaped.

- Is Howie safe? - He's on his way to school.

- School? - It's on your list.

Oh, yeah. At least something's being done right around here.

Oh, Lois called. She wanted to see how everything was going.

She won't let go, will she?

Howard, Lois is Howie's mother.

And she won't let us forget it! I can't take these constant interferences!

Shejust wanted to know ifshe could see him Sunday.

No, Sunday's my day. That's the deal. Call her and tell her no.

- Howard, y-you're asking an awful lot. - What do you mean?

Well, you've had Howard for almost a week, and he's been here the whole time.

Well, that can't go on forever.

Someday he'll go to college.

Look, as a teacher and a vice principal...

you know, I see a lot of kids with problems...

and those problems are usually caused...

by parents who either pay too much attention to a child...

or not enough attention to a child.

And somehow, Howard, you have managed to do both.

Maybe I can, uh, explain the situation with a little story.

- Oh, boy. - When, uh- When I was a kid, I-I-I had a friend of mine-

His name was Trigger Thompson, and he had this horse named Larry.

But the Thompson boy wouldn't take care of the horse.

I took care of the horse. I played with him and fed him.

- Trigger? - No, Larry.

- The horse? - Yeah, Larry the horse.

- Oh, I get it. - So, pretty soon, Larry-

- The horse. - He liked me more than he liked Trigger.

- The boy. - That's right.

And he thought of me-

- Bob. - The other boy.

As his real owner.

L-I loved the horse, but- but he was somebody else's responsibility.

Y-You see the point I'm trying to make, Howard?

Yeah! I get it! I get it!

You're absolutely right!

I'm gonna buy Howie a pony.

Another great story. Way to go, Bob.

Now we're gonna have to take care of a pony too.

I mean, Bob, why can't you just be more direct?

I guess I'm gonna have to be. What'll we have for dinner tonight?

- Swedish meatballs. - Swedish meatballs stink!

I hate Swedish meatballs! You serve me Swedish meatballs...

you'll be taking 'em off the ceiling!

How's that for direct?

You want Swedish meatballs or don't you?

Okay with me.

- How's it going down there? - Okay, I guess.

How are you coming with the crease?

- I can't do it right. - It's reallyvery simple.

Youjust do, uh, one leg at a time.

This is a shirt.

Oh, well, then do the shirt one leg at a time.

- Do we really have to do this? - Howie, ironing is important.

You'll find that out when you grow up and get a divorce of your own.

Why don't we just ask Aunt Emily to do it, just like she does everything else?

We can't have our neighbors do our ironing.

I mean, we can't trust them to do it right.

I mean, ironing, it's, uh, very personal, you know?

I mean, something between you and your clothes.

- Well, I think it's dumb. - Okay.

All right. We'll- We'll do something different.

We'll, uh-We'll vacuum.

I don't wanna vacuum either.

Howie, you gotta know these things.

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. You gotta be ready.

- Sit down, Dad. - What?

Sit down. I wanna talk to you.

Okay.

Okay, I'll talk about anything you wanna talk about except sex.

I already asked Uncle Bob about that.

- You did? - Yeah.

He didn't seem to know that much about it.

- Oh, good. - But what he did know made him real nervous.

Okay, no sex, no vacuuming, no ironing.

- What do you wanna talk about? - Us.

I just don't think it's working out.

- What's not working out? - You and me living together.

Hey, sure it is! We're buddies, and we're pals...

living off the fat of the land together!

Yeah, but we're not together very much.

Yeah. When-When we are together, I have things planned for us.

But all's I do is eat and take showers.

Okay. Okay, from now on, we'll just eat when we want to, and we'll shower at will.

Dad, it's not right.

Well, yeah, I-i-it's right for me.

It's not right for me. I thinkl should go back home.

- Well, I mean, uh, this is your home. - I miss my mom.

Yeah, well...

I guess a boy needs his, uh- needs his mom, huh?

Wow. What the heck. I mean, we'll still have-

We'll still have Sundays together, right?

Yeah. We can- We can cram a whole week into Sundays.

I mean, that's terrific.

Imean,you'll still, uh-

you'll still brush your teeth and go to school, won't you?

Then that's okay for- That's o-okay with me.

I suppose you wanna go, huh?

Yeah, okay. Okay, buddy.

It's, uh- it's a deal.

Hey, look, you better hurry up and get home.

You gotta get ready for Sunday. I got a million things planned for us, boy.

- Right, Dad. - Yeah.

Hi, Howard. Uh, Emily would sort of like the ironing board back.

Oh, that's okay, Bob.

L-I won't need it anymore.

Well, you-you don't have to cry, Howard.

You know, you can- you can borrow it again.

No, I'm okay. I'm okay.

Howie's going back to live with his mother.

Oh. Oh.

How do you- How do you feel about that?

- Oh, great. I feel great. It was my idea. - Uh-huh.

Yeah, he was just terrific once I explained it to him. He's a bright kid.

- Ready to go? - Yeah. Hi, Bob.

- Did Dad tell you? - Yeah.

Yeah, gee, uh, we're gonna miss you around here, Howie.

Hey, I'll be around. See you next weekend, dude.

Yeah. Uh, right on.

Yeah, well, I'll see you, Bob.

Bob, would you mind waiting around until I get back?

Oh,yeah, I-l guess you'll- you'll wanna talk, huh?

No, I want you to let the babysitter in.

You're- You're keeping the babysitter?

- Yeah. - Bye.

So, uh- So you won. You're-

You're this year's Miss Dry Ice.

- That's right. - Well- Well deserved.

Actually, it's my third win this year.

I'm, uh, already Miss Pre-stressed Concrete...

and Miss Fiscal Responsibility.

Well, uh, again, congratulations.

Well, Howard should be here any minute.

[Phone Rings]

- Hello. The, uh- - Uh, Borden.

The Borden residence.

No, I'm sorry. He's not in right now.

No, his son's not here either.

Yes, Bob's here. You're welcome. Good-bye.

Who- Uh, who was that?

- I don't know. - Hi.

I thought you might need some help carrying the ironing board.

Yeah. I'll, uh-

I'll, uh, get the ironing board, and you can, uh, get the iron.

- Uh-huh. - What should I get?

Out of the way. [Forced Chuckle]

Uh, Mitzi is, uh- is this year's Miss, uh, Dry Ice.

Oh, really? How proud her father...

a man of your own age, must be of her, Bob.

[ Mews]