All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e22 - Birth of a Salesman

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:12,058 --> 00:01:14,629 Carol, are you ready for a little dictation? 2 00:01:16,763 --> 00:01:19,710 - Why are you winking at me? - Oh, I'm not winking. I'm blinking. 3 00:01:19,766 --> 00:01:23,407 I got these new contact lenses. Takes a little while to get used to 'em. 4 00:01:23,470 --> 00:01:26,246 - Why don't you get glasses? - Glasses are too much trouble. 5 00:01:26,306 --> 00:01:28,308 You gotta keep track of'em and everything. 6 00:01:28,375 --> 00:01:30,377 With contact lenses, you always know where they- 7 00:01:31,711 --> 00:01:34,214 Okay, don't move. Don't move. My left one is missing. 8 00:01:34,281 --> 00:01:37,592 Maybe you put 'em both in your right eye. 9 00:01:37,651 --> 00:01:42,100 - Carol, they cost $200. Now,j-just don't go anywhere. - Maybe it's in here. 10 00:01:43,156 --> 00:01:45,329 Crunches 1 11 00:01:46,326 --> 00:01:48,272 It was. 12 00:01:48,328 --> 00:01:51,571 Oh, that's perfect. And what am I supposed to do with one contact? 13 00:01:51,631 --> 00:01:54,510 Put it in there? [Laughs] 14 00:01:54,568 --> 00:01:57,048 Forget it. Take this letter. 15 00:01:57,103 --> 00:01:59,913 Dea r“- 16 00:02:01,942 --> 00:02:04,582 - What's the matter? Can't you read it? - I can read it. 17 00:02:04,644 --> 00:02:08,456 - I just don't have time for reading. - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ] 18 00:02:08,515 --> 00:02:10,517 - Morning. - Morning, Bob. 19 00:02:12,819 --> 00:02:14,924 - Good morning, Mr. Herd. - Oh, hi. 20 00:02:15,088 --> 00:02:17,034 - I'm sorry I'm early. - You're not early. 21 00:02:17,090 --> 00:02:19,092 - Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. - You're right on time. 22 00:02:19,159 --> 00:02:21,765 I'm sorry. 23 00:02:23,330 --> 00:02:25,867 Go right in, Mr. Herd. Dr. Hartley's expecting you. 24 00:02:25,932 --> 00:02:28,879 - I don't wanna bother him. - Oh, go on. Give it a shot. 25 00:02:28,935 --> 00:02:30,937 Yeah. 26 00:02:36,009 --> 00:02:39,013 [Faint Tapping] 27 00:02:46,386 --> 00:02:48,388 [Tapping Continues 28 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,638 Oh, Mr. Herd, I thought I recognized your knock. 29 00:02:55,695 --> 00:02:57,675 I hope I'm not interrupting anything. 30 00:02:57,731 --> 00:02:59,938 - No, I- I was just waiting for you. - Oh. 31 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,947 Sorry to have kept you waiting. [Clears Throat] 32 00:03:03,003 --> 00:03:05,574 - Just let me, uh- let me close the door. - Oh. 33 00:03:12,679 --> 00:03:14,681 What, uh- What do you have there? 34 00:03:14,748 --> 00:03:17,490 Oh, I'm sellin' these now. 35 00:03:17,550 --> 00:03:21,225 Well, you can't have too many brown paper bags. 36 00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:23,325 Oh. Uh, no. I'm sellin' what's inside. 37 00:03:23,390 --> 00:03:27,361 - Vegetable choppers. - Last I remember, you were selling dinette sets. 38 00:03:27,427 --> 00:03:30,203 - Yeah, but I only sold one. - How are the vegetable choppers moving? 39 00:03:30,263 --> 00:03:33,039 Well, not quite as well as the dinette sets. 40 00:03:34,601 --> 00:03:36,603 I'm a lousy salesman. 41 00:03:36,670 --> 00:03:38,707 Why don't you sit down, Mr. Herd? 42 00:03:38,772 --> 00:03:41,844 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stand. 43 00:03:41,908 --> 00:03:46,050 If, uh- I-If you don't like being a salesman, maybe you shouldn't be one. 44 00:03:46,112 --> 00:03:48,683 Oh, I like it. I just stink at it. 45 00:03:48,748 --> 00:03:52,958 Well, maybe you wouldn't stink at it if you were more assertive. 46 00:03:53,019 --> 00:03:55,158 Assertive. 47 00:03:55,221 --> 00:03:57,929 Yeah, let's- let's pretend that, uh- that I'm a customer... 48 00:03:57,991 --> 00:04:00,232 and you're gonna sell me that, uh, vegetable chopper. 49 00:04:00,293 --> 00:04:02,295 Okay. [Clears Throat] 50 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,146 I'd like to hear your pitch, Mr. Herd. 51 00:04:09,202 --> 00:04:11,808 Oh. Do you want me to knock on your door? 52 00:04:11,871 --> 00:04:14,181 Well, do what you normally would do. 53 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,481 Oh, yeah. Sure. 54 00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:32,963 See, normally, I don't knock. 55 00:04:33,026 --> 00:04:37,031 L-I just stand on the porch for five minutes, and if nobody comes, I leave. 56 00:04:38,164 --> 00:04:40,166 Well, let's, uh- let's just say... 57 00:04:40,233 --> 00:04:43,214 that I opened the door, and I found you on the porch. 58 00:04:43,269 --> 00:04:45,249 Oh, okay. [Clears Throat] 59 00:04:45,305 --> 00:04:48,775 - What, uh- What- What would you say? - Oh, yeah. 60 00:04:48,842 --> 00:04:51,118 Uh, yeah, uh- [Clears Throat] 61 00:04:57,150 --> 00:04:59,391 - Good morning, madam. - Now- 62 00:04:59,452 --> 00:05:01,398 See, let me stop you right there. 63 00:05:01,454 --> 00:05:03,456 That's too pushy. I'm sorry. Yeah. [Clears Throat] 64 00:05:03,523 --> 00:05:05,867 I just want you to tell me about your product. 65 00:05:05,925 --> 00:05:08,531 Uh, oh, okay. [Clears Throat] 66 00:05:08,595 --> 00:05:11,269 Meetjack the Chopper. 67 00:05:11,331 --> 00:05:13,470 Yeah, could you- you show me how it works? 68 00:05:13,533 --> 00:05:16,207 I'm not sure it does work. 69 00:05:16,269 --> 00:05:20,274 Mr. Herd, you have a great product there. just show me how it works. 70 00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,342 Uh- 71 00:05:26,179 --> 00:05:28,181 [Clears Throat] 72 00:05:30,050 --> 00:05:32,894 That's about it. 73 00:05:32,952 --> 00:05:35,091 I'm sorry. 74 00:05:35,155 --> 00:05:39,501 - L- I think I'll buy this one. - I hope I didn't pressure you into it or anything. 75 00:05:39,559 --> 00:05:43,302 Not at all. Now I want you to go out there and sell 'em from door to door. 76 00:05:43,363 --> 00:05:46,970 Well, okay, I'll try. But what if they slam the door on me? 77 00:05:47,033 --> 00:05:49,274 Well, just-just stick your foot in the door. 78 00:05:49,335 --> 00:05:52,316 See, uh, Mr. Herd, you're not just selling a vegetable chopper here. 79 00:05:52,372 --> 00:05:56,445 You're selling something that's gonna improve the quality of life... 80 00:05:56,509 --> 00:06:00,252 for millions of householders all across this great land of ours. 81 00:06:00,313 --> 00:06:02,315 Wow. 82 00:06:03,316 --> 00:06:06,195 It's quite a responsibility. 83 00:06:06,252 --> 00:06:09,597 Well, I- I know it is, but you're the best man for thejob. 84 00:06:09,656 --> 00:06:13,536 Well, I'm gonna go out and do it. I'm gonna go and sell me a chopper. 85 00:06:13,593 --> 00:06:15,539 I'm gonna sell a chopper to Carol. 86 00:06:15,595 --> 00:06:17,597 Go get her, Mr. Herd. 87 00:06:18,798 --> 00:06:21,369 Oh, my God! She's out there! 88 00:06:44,190 --> 00:06:46,864 Bad day? 89 00:06:48,528 --> 00:06:51,304 - How'd you know? - Lucky guess. 90 00:06:52,899 --> 00:06:55,539 - I got a parking ticket. - For what? 91 00:06:55,602 --> 00:06:59,175 - For parking. - Oh. 92 00:06:59,239 --> 00:07:02,584 I was in my own spot in the school parking lot, Bob. 93 00:07:02,642 --> 00:07:04,713 It even has my name written on it. 94 00:07:04,777 --> 00:07:08,122 - Maybe the school is trying to tell you something. - It really bugs me. 95 00:07:08,181 --> 00:07:11,424 I mean, a $1 O ticket for parking in my own spot. 96 00:07:11,484 --> 00:07:14,158 Want a handful of diced celery? 97 00:07:14,220 --> 00:07:16,359 - No, thanks. - Raw potato pieces? 98 00:07:16,422 --> 00:07:20,700 - What is that stuff? - Chopped vegetables. Dig in, Emily. 99 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,740 I know you went to a lot of trouble... 100 00:07:22,795 --> 00:07:25,207 but I really don't feel like chopped vegetables right now. 101 00:07:25,265 --> 00:07:28,405 It's no trouble withjack the Chopper. 102 00:07:30,670 --> 00:07:33,879 I was in my own spot. I mean, it really isn't fair. 103 00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:36,318 Well, then, uh, go to court and fight the ticket. 104 00:07:36,376 --> 00:07:39,789 I'm not gonna take the clay off from work to go down to court... 105 00:07:39,846 --> 00:07:42,258 to fight a $1 O ticket that I'd probably lose anyway. 106 00:07:42,315 --> 00:07:45,728 Well, how much money has to be involved before you stand up for your rights? 107 00:07:45,785 --> 00:07:48,288 At least $12. 108 00:07:48,354 --> 00:07:51,301 What is happening to people? We're turning into a nation of sheep. 109 00:07:51,357 --> 00:07:54,463 I mean, people won't stand up for the rights that they believe in. 110 00:07:54,527 --> 00:07:57,269 It's like this, uh- this vegetable chopper. 111 00:07:57,330 --> 00:08:00,106 Good, we can believe in that. 112 00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:03,739 I bought it from Mr. Herd, and he almost didn't sell it to me. 113 00:08:03,803 --> 00:08:08,582 Well, it's lucky you talked him into it. Otherwise, we wouldn't have anything to believe in. 114 00:08:08,641 --> 00:08:10,951 Emily, there's a parallel here somewhere... 115 00:08:11,010 --> 00:08:13,388 and I'm gonna find it. 116 00:08:14,714 --> 00:08:16,853 It- It has to do with being, uh- being assertive. 117 00:08:16,916 --> 00:08:18,896 I thinkyou ought to fight the ticket. 118 00:08:18,952 --> 00:08:21,159 You're entitled to park in your own parking spot. 119 00:08:21,221 --> 00:08:26,102 Emily, you're gonna have to move your car. You're in my parking spot. 120 00:08:27,594 --> 00:08:30,905 Emily, do you recognize the name Hartley when you see it? 121 00:08:32,932 --> 00:08:35,970 I'm sorry, Howard. I was really upset. I got a parking ticket. 122 00:08:36,035 --> 00:08:38,311 Well, I didn't report you. 123 00:08:39,639 --> 00:08:41,949 No, this happened at school, and I was innocent. 124 00:08:42,008 --> 00:08:45,615 I believe you, but you'll have to move your car anyway, or I will have to report you. 125 00:08:45,678 --> 00:08:49,148 - Where's your car parked? - In your space. 126 00:08:49,215 --> 00:08:51,217 I'm calling the police. 127 00:08:54,754 --> 00:08:57,758 Look, Howard, why don't we just forget it this time, huh? 128 00:08:57,824 --> 00:09:01,636 Okay, forget this time, but don't let it happen again. 129 00:09:01,694 --> 00:09:03,696 Women parkers. 130 00:09:05,231 --> 00:09:08,041 Oh,jack the Chopper. Those things are great. 131 00:09:08,101 --> 00:09:10,206 I know where you can buy one. 132 00:09:10,270 --> 00:09:13,114 Uh, can't I borrow yours? 133 00:09:13,172 --> 00:09:16,710 - I'm using it to fix dinner. - Well, I'll eat dinner here. 134 00:09:16,776 --> 00:09:20,815 - Oh, it makes me so mad. - Okay, I'll eat at a restaurant. 135 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,157 Oh, no, Howard. I meant the ticket. 136 00:09:24,217 --> 00:09:26,891 Emily, I still think you should fight the ticket. 137 00:09:26,953 --> 00:09:29,490 - You know what I think you should do about the ticket? - What? 138 00:09:29,555 --> 00:09:32,434 - Here it comes. - Well, I thinkyou should, uh- 139 00:09:32,492 --> 00:09:34,472 I thinkyou should fight it too. 140 00:09:34,527 --> 00:09:37,531 I think the only way ourjudicial system will work ifit- 141 00:09:37,597 --> 00:09:39,599 ifit hears from the people. 142 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,907 I thinkyou should prepare all the facts and... 143 00:09:41,968 --> 00:09:45,438 present it to a judge in a reasonable manner. 144 00:09:45,505 --> 00:09:47,746 And I'm sure the verdict will bejust. 145 00:09:52,111 --> 00:09:55,820 Howard. That was brilliant. 146 00:09:55,882 --> 00:09:59,455 If that doesn't work, you should just stand outside the court naked. 147 00:10:07,293 --> 00:10:10,570 Bob, do you, uh, think this is me? 148 00:10:12,899 --> 00:10:16,278 As I remember, you were taller and you didn't wear glasses. 149 00:10:16,336 --> 00:10:19,943 Well, I do now, and, uh, what do you think of'em? 150 00:10:20,006 --> 00:10:23,681 - The contacts didn't work out, huh? - No, Carol keeps crunching 'em. 151 00:10:23,743 --> 00:10:26,849 - Think I should keep these? - Well, you see better with 'em? 152 00:10:26,913 --> 00:10:29,723 - Yup. - Then keep 'em. 153 00:10:29,782 --> 00:10:31,784 Yeah, but how do they look, Bob? 154 00:10:31,851 --> 00:10:34,127 Ridiculous. 155 00:10:34,187 --> 00:10:36,189 Okay, what about these? 156 00:10:38,991 --> 00:10:42,302 - They're green. - They're supposed to be green. 157 00:10:42,362 --> 00:10:44,433 - Why? - Green is in. 158 00:10:44,497 --> 00:10:46,807 Where? 159 00:10:46,866 --> 00:10:49,870 Tell me what kind of vibes you get from these. 160 00:10:51,337 --> 00:10:55,149 I think if you wear those, you'll be depressed. 161 00:10:55,208 --> 00:10:59,054 - Whyis that? - Because people will be laughing at you all the time. 162 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,484 That's where you're wrong, Bob. Nobody's gonna laugh at me. 163 00:11:03,549 --> 00:11:06,587 [Laughs] 164 00:11:09,088 --> 00:11:11,034 Very well. 165 00:11:11,090 --> 00:11:13,502 That's the kind of person you are. 166 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:16,005 [Carol Laughing] 167 00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:20,634 [Laughing Continues] 168 00:11:23,469 --> 00:11:27,645 Oh, Bob, Mr. Herd is out there, would like to speak to you for a few minutes. 169 00:11:27,707 --> 00:11:29,618 He doesn't have an appointment, does he? 170 00:11:29,675 --> 00:11:32,349 No, and he's real sorry about that. 171 00:11:33,546 --> 00:11:36,083 Yeah, I'm sure he is. All right, send him in. 172 00:11:36,149 --> 00:11:38,151 You can come in now, Mr. Herd. 173 00:11:40,219 --> 00:11:42,563 Mr. Herd, you can come in now. 174 00:11:42,622 --> 00:11:44,659 Come on. 175 00:11:44,724 --> 00:11:46,670 It's okay, Mr. Herd. It's okay. 176 00:11:46,726 --> 00:11:48,728 [Sighs] 177 00:11:57,036 --> 00:11:59,607 Um, Mr. Herd,you're-you're hurt. 178 00:11:59,672 --> 00:12:02,516 Yeah. I'm sorry. 179 00:12:02,575 --> 00:12:04,555 What- What happened? 180 00:12:04,610 --> 00:12:08,057 Well, you know, I went out there and- 181 00:12:08,114 --> 00:12:11,789 and put my face in somebodys door,just like you told me. 182 00:12:11,851 --> 00:12:14,024 No, I-l said foot. 183 00:12:15,588 --> 00:12:17,534 Oh. 184 00:12:19,625 --> 00:12:22,333 I didn't think it would work. 185 00:12:23,529 --> 00:12:26,032 How did, uh- How did the rest of the day go? 186 00:12:26,098 --> 00:12:31,241 Well, that was the end of it, as far as I can remember. I woke up in the hospital. 187 00:12:31,304 --> 00:12:33,306 H-Here's the bill. 188 00:12:35,174 --> 00:12:38,053 Well, if I were you, I'd present this to the man responsible... 189 00:12:38,110 --> 00:12:40,181 and if he won't pay, take him to court. 190 00:12:40,246 --> 00:12:42,089 What if he gets mad at me? 191 00:12:42,148 --> 00:12:45,891 Mr. Herd, do you know the name of the man who's responsible for this? 192 00:12:47,653 --> 00:12:49,655 Hartley. 193 00:12:51,424 --> 00:12:53,563 [Chuckles] What a small world. 194 00:12:55,428 --> 00:12:59,069 Uh, are you telling me that- that I'm responsible for this? 195 00:12:59,131 --> 00:13:02,237 Well, you were the one that told me to be more assertive. 196 00:13:02,301 --> 00:13:06,613 Ifit hadn't been for you, I'd still be standing out there on somebody's porch. 197 00:13:06,672 --> 00:13:08,777 Well, I'm- I'm not gonna pay the hospital bill. 198 00:13:08,841 --> 00:13:10,843 Oh, okay. 199 00:13:12,812 --> 00:13:15,588 So, then I guess I'll see you in court, huh? 200 00:13:17,183 --> 00:13:19,185 What do you mean by that? 201 00:13:19,252 --> 00:13:22,563 - Well, I'm- I'm gonna have to sue you. - W-Why? 202 00:13:22,622 --> 00:13:26,195 You told me to sue the man responsible. I'm sorry. 203 00:13:33,833 --> 00:13:35,972 [Faint Tapping] 204 00:13:41,707 --> 00:13:44,085 Do you know the name of a good attorney? 205 00:13:53,352 --> 00:13:55,354 - Hi. - Hi, Bob. 206 00:13:56,889 --> 00:13:59,893 - Oh, what a day. - Oh, yeah, mine was terrific. 207 00:13:59,959 --> 00:14:01,905 Mine wasn't. 208 00:14:01,961 --> 00:14:05,272 - Bob, I won. I beat the ticket. - Congratulations. 209 00:14:05,331 --> 00:14:07,277 I mean, you were absolutely right. 210 00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:11,645 It was worth it to fight for the $1 O, even though it cost me a hundred. 211 00:14:11,704 --> 00:14:16,244 - A hundred dollars? - Well, I had to take a cab down to the court and back. 212 00:14:16,309 --> 00:14:18,846 Where was the court, in Milwaukee? 213 00:14:18,911 --> 00:14:22,825 Well, I had to buy a new sympathetic outfit. 214 00:14:22,882 --> 00:14:25,453 I mean, there was nothing sympathetic in my closet. 215 00:14:25,518 --> 00:14:28,431 Well, there's nobody sympathetic in your living room either. 216 00:14:30,423 --> 00:14:33,734 You like it, Bob, huh? It's the new length. 217 00:14:33,793 --> 00:14:35,739 Emily, I'm being sued. 218 00:14:35,795 --> 00:14:38,469 I'll take it back. 219 00:14:38,531 --> 00:14:41,444 Do you wanna know who's suing me? Mr. Herd. 220 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:44,037 Well, Mr. Herd? 221 00:14:44,103 --> 00:14:46,515 He's such a nice man. What happened? 222 00:14:46,572 --> 00:14:48,552 Well, I advised him to be more assertive... 223 00:14:48,608 --> 00:14:53,489 and one of his customers hit him in the face with a door and sent him to the hospital. 224 00:14:53,546 --> 00:14:55,617 - Well, how is that your fault? - It isn't. 225 00:14:55,681 --> 00:14:58,389 Well, you're gonna fight it, aren't you? 226 00:14:58,451 --> 00:15:01,989 Well, I don't know. Maybe I'll just pay the hospital bill and forget it. 227 00:15:02,054 --> 00:15:04,330 Oh, Bob, you've gotta stand up for your rights. 228 00:15:04,390 --> 00:15:08,133 Aren't you the man who said that we've- we've turned into a nation of sheep? 229 00:15:08,194 --> 00:15:10,800 Well, if that's the case, then you'vejoined the pack. 230 00:15:10,863 --> 00:15:12,865 Flock. 231 00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:17,704 - What? - Sheep travel in flocks. 232 00:15:18,704 --> 00:15:20,684 Well, something travels in packs. 233 00:15:20,740 --> 00:15:22,686 I think it's cigarettes. 234 00:15:26,445 --> 00:15:29,722 Anyway, Bob, you're not gonna take this lying down. 235 00:15:29,782 --> 00:15:33,025 Emily, I just don't wanna go to court against Mr. Herd. 236 00:15:33,085 --> 00:15:35,031 Why not? He started it. 237 00:15:35,087 --> 00:15:37,499 Well, it might ruin our relationship. 238 00:15:37,556 --> 00:15:39,661 Especially if he won. 239 00:15:44,163 --> 00:15:47,337 - Emily, are you testing me? - What? 240 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,676 You're parked in my space again. 241 00:15:49,735 --> 00:15:53,512 Well, my car is parked in your space 'cause your car is parked in my space. 242 00:15:53,572 --> 00:15:56,348 That's no excuse. 243 00:15:56,409 --> 00:16:00,323 Anyway, it's too late. I called building security. They're towing your car away. 244 00:16:00,379 --> 00:16:03,417 I mean, friendship is one thing, but taking advantage is something else. 245 00:16:03,482 --> 00:16:06,258 - What time are you coming for dinner? - I'll be back in a minute. 246 00:16:09,522 --> 00:16:12,935 If he has my car towed away, I'm gonna take him to court. 247 00:16:12,992 --> 00:16:16,269 Maybe we should get a room by the courthouse. 248 00:16:18,297 --> 00:16:21,801 You know, I still can't believe that Mr. Herd is gonna sue me. 249 00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:24,814 Neither can I, especially after the nice things you've done for him. 250 00:16:24,870 --> 00:16:28,044 I mean, do you know how many things we've bought from him that we didn't need? 251 00:16:28,107 --> 00:16:31,486 - Thirteen. - Yeah, starting with that hummingbird feeder. 252 00:16:31,544 --> 00:16:33,490 Fourteen. 253 00:16:33,546 --> 00:16:35,617 You know, no hummingbird has ever come near it. 254 00:16:35,681 --> 00:16:37,627 Well, that's because it's in the wrong place. 255 00:16:37,683 --> 00:16:40,425 It's in the top of the closet. 256 00:16:40,486 --> 00:16:43,592 - That's what I mean. It's too high. - Oh. 257 00:16:50,129 --> 00:16:53,303 [Sighs] Well, I hope you're happy, Emily. 258 00:16:53,365 --> 00:16:55,743 They towed my car away instead of yours. 259 00:17:01,373 --> 00:17:04,252 I'll have dinner with you, but I won't talk to you. 260 00:17:09,181 --> 00:17:11,889 [Tool whirring] 261 00:17:11,951 --> 00:17:13,897 Vamp? 262 00:17:13,953 --> 00:17:16,490 - Oh, hi, Bob. - [ Whirring Stops] 263 00:17:16,555 --> 00:17:18,660 Nice, uh- nice glasses. 264 00:17:18,724 --> 00:17:20,670 They, uh- They look like goggles. 265 00:17:20,726 --> 00:17:24,105 - They are goggles. - Can I, uh, talk to you for a minute? 266 00:17:24,163 --> 00:17:26,837 Sure. Why don't you sit down there, Bob? 267 00:17:26,899 --> 00:17:29,641 The doctor is in. 268 00:17:31,771 --> 00:17:34,809 - Hey, what can I do for you? - Have you ever been sued? 269 00:17:34,874 --> 00:17:39,983 Yeah. 1963, I put braces in some kid's mouth, and all his hairfell out. 270 00:17:41,247 --> 00:17:43,853 Was it your fault? 271 00:17:43,916 --> 00:17:46,795 They were a little tight. 272 00:17:49,121 --> 00:17:51,067 So- So it was your fault. 273 00:17:51,123 --> 00:17:54,832 No, no, not really. You see, we found out the kid's grandfather had been bald. 274 00:17:54,894 --> 00:17:58,364 So we argued that the kid would have eventually gone bald anyway. 275 00:17:58,430 --> 00:18:01,900 One of my patients is suing me, and I'm trying to decide what to do. 276 00:18:01,967 --> 00:18:04,846 [Chuckles] Don't worry, Bob. It's one of your patients. 277 00:18:04,904 --> 00:18:07,145 I mean, who's gonna believe one of those fruitcakes? 278 00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:12,417 That's not the pointjerry. 279 00:18:12,478 --> 00:18:14,424 H-His lawyer is, uh- is very competent. 280 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,484 - He seems to think he has a very strong case. - He probably does. 281 00:18:17,550 --> 00:18:21,259 - I'm innocent. - There's a Mr. Litwack to see you, Bob. 282 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:26,326 Oh, that's Herd's attorney. Um, well, I either settle now, or I go to court tomorrow. 283 00:18:26,392 --> 00:18:28,338 - Settle, Bob. - What'd he do? 284 00:18:28,394 --> 00:18:30,738 - I don't know. - What'd you do, Bob? 285 00:18:30,796 --> 00:18:34,266 Well, I gave, uh-l gave Mr. Herd some advice on being more assertive. 286 00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:36,973 You mean the guy with the bandages all over his face? 287 00:18:37,036 --> 00:18:39,038 Looks like he ran into a wall. [Laughs] 288 00:18:39,104 --> 00:18:43,610 A door. Anyway, one of his customers got mad. 289 00:18:43,676 --> 00:18:46,885 Are you telling me somebody hit him in the face with a door? 290 00:18:46,946 --> 00:18:48,948 - According to Mr. Herd- - Wait a second, Bob. 291 00:18:49,014 --> 00:18:51,961 See, when you're on the stand, you have to answer yes or no... 292 00:18:52,017 --> 00:18:54,122 or those lawyers are gonna cut you to ribbons. 293 00:18:54,186 --> 00:18:56,598 - But, seeJerry, it isn't that cut and dry. - Carol... 294 00:18:56,655 --> 00:19:00,102 make believe you're the judge, and instruct the witness to answer yes or no. 295 00:19:00,159 --> 00:19:02,935 - Yes or no, Bob. - I forgot the question. 296 00:19:04,096 --> 00:19:06,633 Did someone hit him in the face with a door? 297 00:19:06,699 --> 00:19:08,770 - Yes. - Thank you. 298 00:19:09,935 --> 00:19:14,008 So, this alleged customer... 299 00:19:14,073 --> 00:19:16,019 for no apparent reason... 300 00:19:16,075 --> 00:19:20,956 just hauls off and hits this innocent salesman in the face with a door. 301 00:19:21,013 --> 00:19:23,015 Is that what you're trying to tell us? 302 00:19:23,082 --> 00:19:26,894 - The prosecution is leading the witness. - I withdraw the question. 303 00:19:26,952 --> 00:19:28,989 - Fine, I'll disregard it. - Thank you. 304 00:19:29,054 --> 00:19:31,056 I gave Mr. Herd some advice... 305 00:19:31,123 --> 00:19:33,296 and I guess one of the customers got mad. 306 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:35,305 You guess? [Laughs] 307 00:19:35,361 --> 00:19:38,001 Your Honor, now the man is guessing. 308 00:19:38,063 --> 00:19:40,976 - You're not supposed to guess, Bob. - lfit please this court- 309 00:19:41,033 --> 00:19:45,743 It doesn't. One more outburst out of you and you'll be held in contempt. 310 00:19:45,804 --> 00:19:47,909 As if you aren't already by most people. 311 00:19:51,010 --> 00:19:54,753 If you two, uh, barristers will excuse me, I'm going to handle this my way. 312 00:19:54,813 --> 00:19:56,815 You gonna settle out of court, Bob? 313 00:19:56,882 --> 00:19:59,590 No, I'm gonna stand outside the courtroom door naked. 314 00:20:01,921 --> 00:20:05,801 You see the way I had Bob reeling? He didn't know if he was comin' or goin'. 315 00:20:05,858 --> 00:20:07,895 I guess I should have gone to law school. 316 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,962 That's what most of your patients say. 317 00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:22,309 Hi, Bob. Ready for thejudgment day? 318 00:20:23,475 --> 00:20:25,477 Howard, could you put that another way? 319 00:20:25,544 --> 00:20:28,150 Okay, uh, ready to, uh, meet your maker? 320 00:20:29,782 --> 00:20:33,355 Howard, he's not gonna die. He's just going tojail for a few years. 321 00:20:33,419 --> 00:20:37,834 Would you, uh- Would you like me to be a character witness? 322 00:20:39,124 --> 00:20:41,126 No, thanks, Howard. 323 00:20:42,828 --> 00:20:47,072 Well, I have a lot of character, and I-l lead a wholesome life. 324 00:20:47,132 --> 00:20:49,305 And I, uh- I'm a respected navigator. 325 00:20:49,368 --> 00:20:53,077 See, Howard, it's my character they're interested in. 326 00:20:53,138 --> 00:20:55,584 Your character? Forget it. 327 00:20:57,776 --> 00:21:00,222 I'll, uh, see you when you get out. 328 00:21:01,914 --> 00:21:04,258 - Oh, excuse me. - I'm sorry. 329 00:21:06,452 --> 00:21:12,061 Bob, Mr. Herd is outside the door. 330 00:21:12,124 --> 00:21:14,866 That's all right. He'll be gone in five minutes. 331 00:21:18,831 --> 00:21:20,777 Bob, I-I- 332 00:21:20,833 --> 00:21:22,870 I mean, we've gotta let him in. 333 00:21:25,070 --> 00:21:27,072 Hello, Mr. Herd. 334 00:21:27,139 --> 00:21:30,052 Hi- Hi, Mrs. Hartley. Uh, I'm sorry to bother you. 335 00:21:30,109 --> 00:21:33,249 Uh, could I come in for a minute? 336 00:21:34,813 --> 00:21:36,815 Uh, I guess so. 337 00:21:40,586 --> 00:21:44,693 Gee, you have a very nice apartment. Nice furniture. 338 00:21:44,757 --> 00:21:46,759 You're not getting it. 339 00:21:48,660 --> 00:21:50,606 I don't want it. 340 00:21:50,662 --> 00:21:53,438 Well, you can have your hummingbird feeder back. 341 00:21:54,433 --> 00:21:56,435 Sit down, Mr. Herd. 342 00:22:02,274 --> 00:22:07,383 Look, I just want to say, um, I'm sorry for what I'm gonna have to do. 343 00:22:07,446 --> 00:22:09,653 I know you're gonna be disappointed in me... 344 00:22:09,715 --> 00:22:13,720 and you have every right to be, but I'm just gonna have to drop the charges. 345 00:22:18,023 --> 00:22:20,025 That, uh- That is a disappointment. 346 00:22:21,860 --> 00:22:23,840 I'm sorry. 347 00:22:23,896 --> 00:22:27,366 I know you want me to stand up for my rights, but... 348 00:22:27,433 --> 00:22:29,435 I like you too much. 349 00:22:29,501 --> 00:22:33,643 I just don't think I would wanna live knowing that I left you penniless. 350 00:22:35,340 --> 00:22:38,583 I don't think I'd wanna live knowing that either. 351 00:22:38,644 --> 00:22:41,147 And you don't mind that I'm not suing you? 352 00:22:41,213 --> 00:22:45,355 Well, it's all right this time, but, you know, don't let it happen again. 353 00:22:47,052 --> 00:22:49,965 So, with your permission, uh... 354 00:22:50,022 --> 00:22:52,024 I'd like to apologize. 355 00:22:52,091 --> 00:22:54,970 - You- You already did. - Oh, I'm sorry. 356 00:22:55,027 --> 00:22:58,873 Well, uh, look, I gotta be goin', Dr. Hartley, but I want you to know one thing. 357 00:22:58,931 --> 00:23:03,004 I'm not givin' up. I'm goin' back to that same house and I'm gonna sell that guy a chopper. 358 00:23:03,068 --> 00:23:05,014 L-I wouldn't do that. 359 00:23:05,070 --> 00:23:08,449 Uh, it's okay. I called him earlier and there's nobody home. 360 00:23:10,042 --> 00:23:12,545 Uh, My Herd,you know who could use a chopper? 361 00:23:12,611 --> 00:23:14,557 Uh, Howard Borden next door. 362 00:23:14,613 --> 00:23:17,253 All right, I'll sell him one. 363 00:23:20,752 --> 00:23:22,754 [ Mutters] 364 00:23:24,823 --> 00:23:27,963 Uh, Mr. Herd, he won't answer the door unless you knock. 365 00:23:28,026 --> 00:23:32,133 Oh, that's his tough luck. I mean, I got a lot of other houses to cover. 366 00:23:39,638 --> 00:23:42,244 - Bob, Emily's on the phone. - Oh, thanks. 367 00:23:42,307 --> 00:23:45,015 Uh, be sure and thank her for the hummingbird feeder. 368 00:23:45,077 --> 00:23:47,057 Oh, uh, that- that was mine. 369 00:23:47,112 --> 00:23:49,922 Oh, well, then maybe you can tell me what hummingbirds eat. 370 00:23:51,450 --> 00:23:53,521 Hummingbird patties. 371 00:23:54,620 --> 00:23:56,622 Good, I thought it was little harmonicas. 372 00:23:59,958 --> 00:24:01,904 Hi, Emily. 373 00:24:03,395 --> 00:24:06,239 Well, what- what kind of zone were you parked in? 374 00:24:08,333 --> 00:24:11,803 Were- Were you loading something? 375 00:24:11,870 --> 00:24:15,647 Well, then I-l don't think you have much of a case. 376 00:24:15,707 --> 00:24:20,156 Well, if- if you feel you're innocent, fight it with your entire wardrobe. 377 00:24:20,212 --> 00:24:23,523 I mean, nothing new. Bye-bye. 378 00:24:23,582 --> 00:24:25,789 Hey, you wanna go with me to the optometrist? 379 00:24:25,851 --> 00:24:28,593 I broke my glasses and I have to pick up another pair. 380 00:24:28,654 --> 00:24:33,000 - That's a two-man job,jerry? - Aw, come on. it'll only take a couple hours. 381 00:24:33,058 --> 00:24:36,403 Well, it sounds like a ball, but I don't think so. 382 00:24:36,461 --> 00:24:39,601 Okay, suit yourself, but I'm gonna have to ask to borrow your car. 383 00:24:39,665 --> 00:24:41,838 All right. What's wrong with your car? 384 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:44,107 I just can't see well enough to drive it. 385 00:24:52,945 --> 00:24:56,290 - A trip to the optometrist sounds like fun. - Yeah. 386 00:25:29,348 --> 00:25:30,656 [ Mews] 32077

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