Original subtitles

Carol, are you ready for a little dictation?

- Why are you winking at me? - Oh, I'm not winking. I'm blinking.

I got these new contact lenses. Takes a little while to get used to 'em.

- Why don't you get glasses? - Glasses are too much trouble.

You gotta keep track of'em and everything.

With contact lenses, you always know where they-

Okay, don't move. Don't move. My left one is missing.

Maybe you put 'em both in your right eye.

- Carol, they cost $200. Now,j-just don't go anywhere. - Maybe it's in here.

Crunches 1

It was.

Oh, that's perfect. And what am I supposed to do with one contact?

Put it in there? [Laughs]

Forget it. Take this letter.

“ Dea r“-

- What's the matter? Can't you read it? - I can read it.

- I just don't have time for reading. - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

- Morning. - Morning, Bob.

- Good morning, Mr. Herd. - Oh, hi.

- I'm sorry I'm early. - You're not early.

- Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. - You're right on time.

I'm sorry.

Go right in, Mr. Herd. Dr. Hartley's expecting you.

- I don't wanna bother him. - Oh, go on. Give it a shot.

Yeah.

[Faint Tapping]

[Tapping Continues

Oh, Mr. Herd, I thought I recognized your knock.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

- No, I- I was just waiting for you. - Oh.

Sorry to have kept you waiting. [Clears Throat]

- Just let me, uh- let me close the door. - Oh.

What, uh- What do you have there?

Oh, I'm sellin' these now.

Well, you can't have too many brown paper bags.

Oh. Uh, no. I'm sellin' what's inside.

- Vegetable choppers. - Last I remember, you were selling dinette sets.

- Yeah, but I only sold one. - How are the vegetable choppers moving?

Well, not quite as well as the dinette sets.

I'm a lousy salesman.

Why don't you sit down, Mr. Herd?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stand.

If, uh- I-If you don't like being a salesman, maybe you shouldn't be one.

Oh, I like it. I just stink at it.

Well, maybe you wouldn't stink at it if you were more assertive.

Assertive.

Yeah, let's- let's pretend that, uh- that I'm a customer...

and you're gonna sell me that, uh, vegetable chopper.

Okay. [Clears Throat]

I'd like to hear your pitch, Mr. Herd.

Oh. Do you want me to knock on your door?

Well, do what you normally would do.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

See, normally, I don't knock.

L-I just stand on the porch for five minutes, and if nobody comes, I leave.

Well, let's, uh- let's just say...

that I opened the door, and I found you on the porch.

Oh, okay. [Clears Throat]

- What, uh- What- What would you say? - Oh, yeah.

Uh, yeah, uh- [Clears Throat]

- Good morning, madam. - Now-

See, let me stop you right there.

That's too pushy. I'm sorry. Yeah. [Clears Throat]

I just want you to tell me about your product.

Uh, oh, okay. [Clears Throat]

Meetjack the Chopper.

Yeah, could you- you show me how it works?

I'm not sure it does work.

Mr. Herd, you have a great product there. just show me how it works.

Uh-

[Clears Throat]

That's about it.

I'm sorry.

- L- I think I'll buy this one. - I hope I didn't pressure you into it or anything.

Not at all. Now I want you to go out there and sell 'em from door to door.

Well, okay, I'll try. But what if they slam the door on me?

Well, just-just stick your foot in the door.

See, uh, Mr. Herd, you're not just selling a vegetable chopper here.

You're selling something that's gonna improve the quality of life...

for millions of householders all across this great land of ours.

Wow.

It's quite a responsibility.

Well, I- I know it is, but you're the best man for thejob.

Well, I'm gonna go out and do it. I'm gonna go and sell me a chopper.

I'm gonna sell a chopper to Carol.

Go get her, Mr. Herd.

Oh, my God! She's out there!

Bad day?

- How'd you know? - Lucky guess.

- I got a parking ticket. - For what?

- For parking. - Oh.

I was in my own spot in the school parking lot, Bob.

It even has my name written on it.

- Maybe the school is trying to tell you something. - It really bugs me.

I mean, a $1 O ticket for parking in my own spot.

Want a handful of diced celery?

- No, thanks. - Raw potato pieces?

- What is that stuff? - Chopped vegetables. Dig in, Emily.

I know you went to a lot of trouble...

but I really don't feel like chopped vegetables right now.

It's no trouble withjack the Chopper.

I was in my own spot. I mean, it really isn't fair.

Well, then, uh, go to court and fight the ticket.

I'm not gonna take the clay off from work to go down to court...

to fight a $1 O ticket that I'd probably lose anyway.

Well, how much money has to be involved before you stand up for your rights?

At least $12.

What is happening to people? We're turning into a nation of sheep.

I mean, people won't stand up for the rights that they believe in.

It's like this, uh- this vegetable chopper.

Good, we can believe in that.

I bought it from Mr. Herd, and he almost didn't sell it to me.

Well, it's lucky you talked him into it. Otherwise, we wouldn't have anything to believe in.

Emily, there's a parallel here somewhere...

and I'm gonna find it.

It- It has to do with being, uh- being assertive.

I thinkyou ought to fight the ticket.

You're entitled to park in your own parking spot.

Emily, you're gonna have to move your car. You're in my parking spot.

Emily, do you recognize the name Hartley when you see it?

I'm sorry, Howard. I was really upset. I got a parking ticket.

Well, I didn't report you.

No, this happened at school, and I was innocent.

I believe you, but you'll have to move your car anyway, or I will have to report you.

- Where's your car parked? - In your space.

I'm calling the police.

Look, Howard, why don't we just forget it this time, huh?

Okay, forget this time, but don't let it happen again.

Women parkers.

Oh,jack the Chopper. Those things are great.

I know where you can buy one.

Uh, can't I borrow yours?

- I'm using it to fix dinner. - Well, I'll eat dinner here.

- Oh, it makes me so mad. - Okay, I'll eat at a restaurant.

Oh, no, Howard. I meant the ticket.

Emily, I still think you should fight the ticket.

- You know what I think you should do about the ticket? - What?

- Here it comes. - Well, I thinkyou should, uh-

I thinkyou should fight it too.

I think the only way ourjudicial system will work ifit-

ifit hears from the people.

I thinkyou should prepare all the facts and...

present it to a judge in a reasonable manner.

And I'm sure the verdict will bejust.

Howard. That was brilliant.

If that doesn't work, you should just stand outside the court naked.

Bob, do you, uh, think this is me?

As I remember, you were taller and you didn't wear glasses.

Well, I do now, and, uh, what do you think of'em?

- The contacts didn't work out, huh? - No, Carol keeps crunching 'em.

- Think I should keep these? - Well, you see better with 'em?

- Yup. - Then keep 'em.

Yeah, but how do they look, Bob?

Ridiculous.

Okay, what about these?

- They're green. - They're supposed to be green.

- Why? - Green is in.

Where?

Tell me what kind of vibes you get from these.

I think if you wear those, you'll be depressed.

- Whyis that? - Because people will be laughing at you all the time.

That's where you're wrong, Bob. Nobody's gonna laugh at me.

[Laughs]

Very well.

That's the kind of person you are.

[Carol Laughing]

[Laughing Continues]

Oh, Bob, Mr. Herd is out there, would like to speak to you for a few minutes.

He doesn't have an appointment, does he?

No, and he's real sorry about that.

Yeah, I'm sure he is. All right, send him in.

You can come in now, Mr. Herd.

Mr. Herd, you can come in now.

Come on.

It's okay, Mr. Herd. It's okay.

[Sighs]

Um, Mr. Herd,you're-you're hurt.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

What- What happened?

Well, you know, I went out there and-

and put my face in somebodys door,just like you told me.

No, I-l said foot.

Oh.

I didn't think it would work.

How did, uh- How did the rest of the day go?

Well, that was the end of it, as far as I can remember. I woke up in the hospital.

H-Here's the bill.

Well, if I were you, I'd present this to the man responsible...

and if he won't pay, take him to court.

What if he gets mad at me?

Mr. Herd, do you know the name of the man who's responsible for this?

Hartley.

[Chuckles] What a small world.

Uh, are you telling me that- that I'm responsible for this?

Well, you were the one that told me to be more assertive.

Ifit hadn't been for you, I'd still be standing out there on somebody's porch.

Well, I'm- I'm not gonna pay the hospital bill.

Oh, okay.

So, then I guess I'll see you in court, huh?

What do you mean by that?

- Well, I'm- I'm gonna have to sue you. - W-Why?

You told me to sue the man responsible. I'm sorry.

[Faint Tapping]

Do you know the name of a good attorney?

- Hi. - Hi, Bob.

- Oh, what a day. - Oh, yeah, mine was terrific.

Mine wasn't.

- Bob, I won. I beat the ticket. - Congratulations.

I mean, you were absolutely right.

It was worth it to fight for the $1 O, even though it cost me a hundred.

- A hundred dollars? - Well, I had to take a cab down to the court and back.

Where was the court, in Milwaukee?

Well, I had to buy a new sympathetic outfit.

I mean, there was nothing sympathetic in my closet.

Well, there's nobody sympathetic in your living room either.

You like it, Bob, huh? It's the new length.

Emily, I'm being sued.

I'll take it back.

Do you wanna know who's suing me? Mr. Herd.

Well, Mr. Herd?

He's such a nice man. What happened?

Well, I advised him to be more assertive...

and one of his customers hit him in the face with a door and sent him to the hospital.

- Well, how is that your fault? - It isn't.

Well, you're gonna fight it, aren't you?

Well, I don't know. Maybe I'll just pay the hospital bill and forget it.

Oh, Bob, you've gotta stand up for your rights.

Aren't you the man who said that we've- we've turned into a nation of sheep?

Well, if that's the case, then you'vejoined the pack.

Flock.

- What? - Sheep travel in flocks.

Well, something travels in packs.

I think it's cigarettes.

Anyway, Bob, you're not gonna take this lying down.

Emily, I just don't wanna go to court against Mr. Herd.

Why not? He started it.

Well, it might ruin our relationship.

Especially if he won.

- Emily, are you testing me? - What?

You're parked in my space again.

Well, my car is parked in your space 'cause your car is parked in my space.

That's no excuse.

Anyway, it's too late. I called building security. They're towing your car away.

I mean, friendship is one thing, but taking advantage is something else.

- What time are you coming for dinner? - I'll be back in a minute.

If he has my car towed away, I'm gonna take him to court.

Maybe we should get a room by the courthouse.

You know, I still can't believe that Mr. Herd is gonna sue me.

Neither can I, especially after the nice things you've done for him.

I mean, do you know how many things we've bought from him that we didn't need?

- Thirteen. - Yeah, starting with that hummingbird feeder.

Fourteen.

You know, no hummingbird has ever come near it.

Well, that's because it's in the wrong place.

It's in the top of the closet.

- That's what I mean. It's too high. - Oh.

[Sighs] Well, I hope you're happy, Emily.

They towed my car away instead of yours.

I'll have dinner with you, but I won't talk to you.

[Tool whirring]

Vamp?

- Oh, hi, Bob. - [ Whirring Stops]

Nice, uh- nice glasses.

They, uh- They look like goggles.

- They are goggles. - Can I, uh, talk to you for a minute?

Sure. Why don't you sit down there, Bob?

The doctor is in.

- Hey, what can I do for you? - Have you ever been sued?

Yeah. 1963, I put braces in some kid's mouth, and all his hairfell out.

Was it your fault?

They were a little tight.

So- So it was your fault.

No, no, not really. You see, we found out the kid's grandfather had been bald.

So we argued that the kid would have eventually gone bald anyway.

One of my patients is suing me, and I'm trying to decide what to do.

[Chuckles] Don't worry, Bob. It's one of your patients.

I mean, who's gonna believe one of those fruitcakes?

That's not the pointjerry.

H-His lawyer is, uh- is very competent.

- He seems to think he has a very strong case. - He probably does.

- I'm innocent. - There's a Mr. Litwack to see you, Bob.

Oh, that's Herd's attorney. Um, well, I either settle now, or I go to court tomorrow.

- Settle, Bob. - What'd he do?

- I don't know. - What'd you do, Bob?

Well, I gave, uh-l gave Mr. Herd some advice on being more assertive.

You mean the guy with the bandages all over his face?

Looks like he ran into a wall. [Laughs]

A door. Anyway, one of his customers got mad.

Are you telling me somebody hit him in the face with a door?

- According to Mr. Herd- - Wait a second, Bob.

See, when you're on the stand, you have to answer yes or no...

or those lawyers are gonna cut you to ribbons.

- But, seeJerry, it isn't that cut and dry. - Carol...

make believe you're the judge, and instruct the witness to answer yes or no.

- Yes or no, Bob. - I forgot the question.

Did someone hit him in the face with a door?

- Yes. - Thank you.

So, this alleged customer...

for no apparent reason...

just hauls off and hits this innocent salesman in the face with a door.

Is that what you're trying to tell us?

- The prosecution is leading the witness. - I withdraw the question.

- Fine, I'll disregard it. - Thank you.

I gave Mr. Herd some advice...

and I guess one of the customers got mad.

You guess? [Laughs]

Your Honor, now the man is guessing.

- You're not supposed to guess, Bob. - lfit please this court-

It doesn't. One more outburst out of you and you'll be held in contempt.

As if you aren't already by most people.

If you two, uh, barristers will excuse me, I'm going to handle this my way.

You gonna settle out of court, Bob?

No, I'm gonna stand outside the courtroom door naked.

You see the way I had Bob reeling? He didn't know if he was comin' or goin'.

I guess I should have gone to law school.

That's what most of your patients say.

Hi, Bob. Ready for thejudgment day?

Howard, could you put that another way?

Okay, uh, ready to, uh, meet your maker?

Howard, he's not gonna die. He's just going tojail for a few years.

Would you, uh- Would you like me to be a character witness?

No, thanks, Howard.

Well, I have a lot of character, and I-l lead a wholesome life.

And I, uh- I'm a respected navigator.

See, Howard, it's my character they're interested in.

Your character? Forget it.

I'll, uh, see you when you get out.

- Oh, excuse me. - I'm sorry.

Bob, Mr. Herd is outside the door.

That's all right. He'll be gone in five minutes.

Bob, I-I-

I mean, we've gotta let him in.

Hello, Mr. Herd.

Hi- Hi, Mrs. Hartley. Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.

Uh, could I come in for a minute?

Uh, I guess so.

Gee, you have a very nice apartment. Nice furniture.

You're not getting it.

I don't want it.

Well, you can have your hummingbird feeder back.

Sit down, Mr. Herd.

Look, I just want to say, um, I'm sorry for what I'm gonna have to do.

I know you're gonna be disappointed in me...

and you have every right to be, but I'm just gonna have to drop the charges.

That, uh- That is a disappointment.

I'm sorry.

I know you want me to stand up for my rights, but...

I like you too much.

I just don't think I would wanna live knowing that I left you penniless.

I don't think I'd wanna live knowing that either.

And you don't mind that I'm not suing you?

Well, it's all right this time, but, you know, don't let it happen again.

So, with your permission, uh...

I'd like to apologize.

- You- You already did. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, uh, look, I gotta be goin', Dr. Hartley, but I want you to know one thing.

I'm not givin' up. I'm goin' back to that same house and I'm gonna sell that guy a chopper.

L-I wouldn't do that.

Uh, it's okay. I called him earlier and there's nobody home.

Uh, My Herd,you know who could use a chopper?

Uh, Howard Borden next door.

All right, I'll sell him one.

[ Mutters]

Uh, Mr. Herd, he won't answer the door unless you knock.

Oh, that's his tough luck. I mean, I got a lot of other houses to cover.

- Bob, Emily's on the phone. - Oh, thanks.

Uh, be sure and thank her for the hummingbird feeder.

Oh, uh, that- that was mine.

Oh, well, then maybe you can tell me what hummingbirds eat.

Hummingbird patties.

Good, I thought it was little harmonicas.

Hi, Emily.

Well, what- what kind of zone were you parked in?

Were- Were you loading something?

Well, then I-l don't think you have much of a case.

Well, if- if you feel you're innocent, fight it with your entire wardrobe.

I mean, nothing new. Bye-bye.

Hey, you wanna go with me to the optometrist?

I broke my glasses and I have to pick up another pair.

- That's a two-man job,jerry? - Aw, come on. it'll only take a couple hours.

Well, it sounds like a ball, but I don't think so.

Okay, suit yourself, but I'm gonna have to ask to borrow your car.

All right. What's wrong with your car?

I just can't see well enough to drive it.

- A trip to the optometrist sounds like fun. - Yeah.

[ Mews]