Original subtitles

- Morning, Carol. ls Bob in? - Yeah.

Love your purse.

It's not a purse. It's a shoulder satchel.

Oh, well, mine's a purse.

It's nothing like mine. Mine has got, eh, my initials.

Oh, good. Then we won't get 'em mixed up in the powder room.

Bob, I'm lonely.

I'm lonely, and I'm old.

You're certainly dressing young.

I know you got this image of me asjerry Robinson...

the happy-go-lucky, devil-may-care playboy swinger.

No, I don't.

Underneath this suave veneer...

I'm lonely, I'm old.

Jerry, you're 37 years old.

Now, that's, uh, still young.

I go home to an empty garret.

Nobody there. Four walls. Bare lightbulb.

Oh, you got a lightbulb.

Do you know how long it's been since I've had a meaningful relationship with a girl, Bob?

I'm sure it hasn't been that long,jerry.

I haven't been serious about anyone since Courtney Simpson. Remember Courtney?

Sure, I remember Courtney. She was- She was beautiful.

- Beautiful? She was gorgeous! - SorryJerry. I didn't mean to put her down.

Courtney Simpson is the most exciting woman I ever met.

- Why don't you try to get in touch with her? - How can I do that?

Write a letter to Courtney Simpson in care of the wind?

- She's still traveling around the world? - Yeah.

She's a finely tuned race car, Bob, speeding through life.

I'm just an occasional pit stop.

Jerry, do you realize there are three girls for every guy in Chicago?

Yeah, but I don't like my three.

Jerry, you'll be fine as soon as you find another girl.

Bob, I don't think that girls are the answer.

Looking back, I find that the longest-lasting relationships I've had have been with guys.

Don't, uh- Don't give up on girls yetjerry.

You know what I mean. The things I really love doing, I do with men.

You know, guy things.

What, uh-

What kind of guy things?

Well, uh, I mean,you know, handball, poker, tennis, cussing.

If I had to choose between having lunch with you or a beautiful blonde...

I'd choose you.

Well, fine. I'm free for lunch.

Why don't we go early, and we'll have a lot of time for cussing.

Okay, Bob. I'll see you later.

Yeah, I'll see you at a quarter to I 2:00, Jerry. And I'll buy.

- Fine. - That way you won't have to bring your purse.

I'm worried aboutjerry. He's not- He's not like himself.

Nothin' wrong with that.

No, I mean, uh, I just saw him play...

the worst handball game he's ever played in his life.

Well, honey, he can't win every game.

Oh, he still won.

After he won, he didn't gloat.

Gee, you sure you were playing withjerry?

Yeah, tall guy with a purse?

I think he's depressed 'cause he doesn't have a girlfriend right now...

and he thinks he'll never find one.

That's his own fault. I must have fixed him up with a dozen girls.

Yeah, I know. Jerry calls them the Dirty Dozen.

Some of those girls were very attractive.

When?

Bob, what doesjerry want? He expects every girl to be perfect.

I mean, not everybody can be as lucky as you were, Bob.

Hey, Bob? Emily?

I just won a magic kit, and you'll never guess where!

Why should we try?

I won it at the gas station.

All I had to do was have my tank filled, my oil changed...

and, uh, a lubejob and new points and new plugs.

Were you gonna have that done anyhow?

No, I just stopped in to go to the bathroom.

Oh, this brings back fond memories.

You know, when I was a kid, I had a cape and a top hat.

You must have been a well-dressed kid.

No, I wore it when I performed, Howard.

- 0/1. - I had a magic act.

They used to call me Bob Hartley, man of mystery.

[Chuckles] I still call him that.

Well, I, uh, only know one trick.

My grandmother taught me this.

She used to play cards in Las Vegas, but they caught her cheating.

Then they made her a dealer.

All right now, uh...

pick a card.

Okay? Okay-

Now, uh, put it back in.

- Got it back in? -Yeah.

Okay. Watch this.

At no time...

does my hand leave my arm.

It didn't work.

Why don't you try it again?

No, you already know the trick.

- Good night,jer. Have a nice evening. - Yeah, it'll be great.

Open up a can of beans, toss a frozen dinner in the oven.

Oh! That's what I'm making for Larry.

- At least you're defrosting for two. - Ah,jer.

I know how you feel. I was lonely before I got married.

I can understand you being lonely, but me?

Yeah. It's hard to figure.

- Oh, you leaving too? - Yeah. See you tomorrowJerry.

Yeah, in another 14 lonely hours.

Come on,jerry. It isn't bad as all that.

- I'm sure the sun will shine tomorrow. - On everybody but me.

I tell you whatjerry. Why don't you get a date?

You come with Emily and me tonight. We're gonna go see Hamlet.

I've seen Hamlet. It is depressing.

This one is different. It starsjack Kiugman and Tony Randall.

- Supposed to be the funniest Hamlet ever. - I don't feel like laughing.

Yeah, why don't you hang around the morgue?

- [ Elevator Bell Dings] - You go on, Bob. I'll be okay.

Maybe I'll see if I can get a date.

Listen, it's not too late to get Emily to fix you up with a date.

Ah, that's right. You don't feel like laughing, do you?

[Sighs]

Oh, hi, Linda? This isjerry Robinson.

Uh, you don't want to go out with me tonight, do you?

You do.

Well, uh, I forgot how to get to your house.

No, I don't have a pencil with me.

My car is low on gas anyway.

Okay, okay! If you insist, you can pick me up in an hour and buy me a drink.

Sure. Think nothing of it.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- HLJerry. - Hi, Courtney.

- Courtney! - [Banging]

Courtney!

- Hiya,jer. - Courtney!

- Yeah, it's me. - I don't believe it. What are you doing here?

I don't know. The elevator just seemed to stop at this floor.

You mean you came from wherever you werejust to see me?

-I guess I did. - Oh, Courtney, it's you. Isn't it?

- How are you anyway? - Me? Oh, I'm fine.

Great. Couldn't be better. [Chuckles]

'JQFQ; I lO s _ Huh? You.

I want to marryyou.

- Oh, my God. - Does that mean yes?

Look, uh, Courtney, you'rejust not puttin' me on here, are you?

If I say yes, you're not gonna go flitting off to some other country?

No,jerry, no. I want to be with you.

So, uh, what do you say?

Yes?

There is just one little thing you should know.

- There's someone else. - Huh?

Oh, okay. I mean, this is the I 970s. I could live with that.

- No, no! I mean, I have a son. - Since when?

Well, he's going to be my son as soon as the adoption papers come through.

- You're gonna adopt a son? - Yeah.

- And I- I want you to be his father. - Wow. Me, a father?

That could be nice though. Jerry Robinsonjr.

Well, he already has a name. It's Guillermo.

Jerry, he's the cutest little Spanish eight-year-old kid you ever want to meet.

Guillermo Robinson?

Maybe the kids will call him Robby.

Well, what do you think?

I can't believe it. I'm gonna get married and I'm gonna have a son.

Oh, let's go out and celebrate!

Gee, l-l'd love to, but, um-

uh, I've got a date.

Break it. I can, uh, really make it worth your while.

Excuse me. I'll just make a phone call.

Ah, Guillermo and I are gonna get alongjust great...

because we can swap orphanage stories.

Except his will be in Spanish.

Doesn't matter. “Orphanese“ is a universal language.

When one orphan says, “Pass the gruel,“ all the orphans understand.

You poor baby.

[Knocking]

Emily} We're here!

[Knocking Louder]

- Hi! Hi. How are you? Jerry! Oh, hi, Courtney.

- Oh, congratulations. I'm so happy for you. - Thank you.

- Hi, Bob. - Hi.

Doesn't Courtney look beautiful?

Beautiful? She looks gorgeous.

Right.

- Thanks. I think we will sit down. - Yeah.

Thank you.

My! What is it that, uh-

that smells so good?

I don't know.

Did you, uh- Did you lock your side of the car?

Yeah.

Good, because I left my briefcase on the backseat.

Oh. Well, uh, why don't you go down and get it?

Maybe you could do some work.

Uh-oh, my Salzfleisch is burning.

I don't doubt it.

- Uh, what's Salzfleisch? - It's, uh, baked pork.

Courtney's been cooking up a storm. Foods from all over the world.

- I hope you like Salzfleisch. - Who doesn't like Salzfleisch?

Can you take thisJer?

- Any, uh- Any mail today? - Yeah.

There was a bill from Marshall Field's and, uh, from the auto repair shop.

- And then there was a letter from my sister. - Oh.

Yeah. She'd, uh- She'd like to hear from you sometime.

Well, I could write her back right now.

' Okay! ' Okay

Jerry has the Salzfleisch from Austria...

the snout and eggs from Laos...

and here's the chufio from Bolivia.

- You're kidding. - Okay. Where do you want to start, Bob?

- Did you say snout? - That's right- snout, all the way from Laos.

Really, you make it a tough decision.

- Uh, what is chufio? - Potatoes.

- They're- They're black. - The Bolivians stomp 'em with their feet.

When theyrejust right, they take them up to the mountains...

so that they can freeze, and that's when they turn black.

Really shouldn't have gone to all that trouble.

Okay, everybody. Dig in.

Wait a minute. In Bolivia, there is a tradition...

that the oldest person on the hill take the first bite.

Oh.

Oh, it's your ball game, Emily.

- Nice try, Bob. - Go ahead, Bob.

Uh, first I'd like, uh-

like to propose a toast...

to, uh- to Courtney and tojerry.

Mayyourwedding start the beginning of many happyyears.

- Thank you. - To Courtney andjerry.

Ah. Okay.

And, uh...

let's not forget Guillermo.

- Guillermo! - Oh, to Guillermo!

Thank you.

[Jerry Sighs]

And, uh, to a lovely apartment.

You've been here before.

I know, but I've always felt bad about not toasting it.

To the apartment.

- The apartment. - Thank you.

Would you like to throw in a toast to the Green Bay Packers?

Yeah, what the heck?

To the, uh, Green Bay Packers.

Maybe Guillermo will play for the Packers. Nah, football's kinda tough.

He'd be better offin baseball. This summer I'm gonna sign him up for Little League.

Honey, I want Guillermo to travel in the summer.

He should see the world- the Sphinx, the pyramids of Egypt.

- Baseball's important. - Well, so's travel.

Maybe you could enroll him in the Egyptian Little League.

Have you decided where you're gonna send Guillermo to school?

I thought we'd enroll him in this new school for free expression.

They study outdoors, and that way he can communicate with nature.

I don't want him talking to trees. I want him talking to coaches.

Well, I want him to learn about life.

Next thing you're gonna tell me is you don't want Guillermo to be an orthodontist.

Oh, no! He can be an orthodontist if he wants to.

I just don't know why he would.

Why? Why? Why not?

- Well, it's a little, uh, unexciting. - Unexciting?

Well, maybe “unexciting“ isn't the right word.

_ Uh_ - Uh, routine?

- Uh, mundane? - How about dull?

Dull's, uh- Dull's good.

Better eat your chufio. It's getting cold.

Jerry, if my son wants to be an orthodontist, it's all right with me.

I'm in love with one.

Are we here for any particular reason?

- How old are you, Richie? - Eight and a half.

- I'm 37. - You're old, aren't ya?

You know, I'm adopting an eight-year-old son pretty soon.

- What kind of stuff do you like to do? - Well, stuff.

- What kind of stuff? -just stuff.

- Are you playin'? - Yeah. Wanna come watch?

- No. No, I can't. I'm too busy. - Doin' what?

- Well, you know, stuff. - I understand.

Okay. Open wide.

- Jerry? Oh, I'll come back later. - That's okay.

I'll be done in a minute. Almost done. There.

- Courtney, this is Richie. - What kind of name's Courtney?

- I think it's a beautiful name. - I think it's dumb.

- How's that feel? - Terrible.

Good. Then it fits. See you next time.

- So long, tiger. _Jel»I'y_

You know, Richie's the same age as Guillermo, and he likes baseball.

- Jerry, listen- - I canjust see Guillermo now, scooping 'em up at third base.

- Guillermo Robinson, the human vacuum cleaner. Jerry, listen to me a minute.

Maybe they'll call him Gil Robinson or Moe Robinson or maybe Brooks.

- Nothing wrong with that. Jerry.

- We can't adopt Guillermo. - What?

The orphanage has decided to keep him.

They can't keep my son. He's got to report for baseball practice April I.

They think it would be better if he was, uh, brought up in the Spanish culture.

Well, we'll make him Spanish omelets. We'll buy him a guitar.

No,jerry. They're gonna place him in a nice Spanish family.

That's ridiculous. I guess it's not ridiculous, huh?

No. But it's just that I wanted to show him the world.

I wanted to teach him about life.

Yeah, I wanted to teach him how to bunt.

Kids don't know how to bunt anymore.

They don't slide their hands far enough up the bat.

You gotta hold it loose to absorb the ball-

Jerry! Hey, I really wanted him.

I know. I know how you feel, and I'm sorry.

But look, we still have each other.

We still have our memories of Guillermo.

Of course, your memories are better than mine 'cause I never met him.

Hey, come on. It's not the end of the world.

We can have our own son. We'll call him Guillermo.

If it's a girl, we'll call her“Guillermolina.“

Jerry, it's not the same.

L- I was ready for the three of us, you know, packing our bags...

and we were all gonna go off to see the world together.

- Everything's gonna be all right. - I hope so,jerry.

I forgot my glove.

- What are you guys doing? - Stuff.

Well, cut that stuff out.

Hi, Bob! Hi, Emily.

- Hi, Howard. - I see Bob's still playing with that magic kit.

Yeah, I think he's gonna take his act on the road.

Howard, come over here and sit down and mix up these cups.

- This is a trick. - Howard, mix up the cups.

- Do I have to? - Yes!

All right.

I will now place the ping-pong ball...

under one of the cups.

I will now askyou to again mix up the cup under which the ball is hidden.

- It's under the middle one. - Howard.

Bob, I see it. That's where you put it.

- That's because you didn't mix up the cups. - Mix up the cups, Howard.

- Why? - Because if you don't, I'll have to.

- That's the trick, huh? - That's the trick.

Well, it certainly was worth waiting for. I'm going home.

Wait, Howard. Let me show you the incredible ring trick.

- I want to go home. - I'm going with you.

That's it. If you don't understand magic, belittle.

-I hate magic. - Well, I didn't, but I do now.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - Howard, would you get that?

That's not the doorbell. That's a trick.

Would you please get that?

- I know that trick. That's the doorbell trick. - [ Groans]

All right. I'll get it.

- Ifsjerry. - How'd you do that?

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the incredible ring trick.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. That is the end of our show.

Drive carefully on your way home.

- What's the matter with you,jer? - Courtney's not happy.

Oh, honey, give her a little time. Shejust lost Guillermo.

- It's not Guillermo. I think it's us. - Don't you love each other?

Yes, but Guillermds the only thing we had in common.

- We couldn't even agree on how to raise him. - What are you gonna do?

I don't wanna lose her. That's why I'm gonna hold on to her.

- I just came to tell you that. - No, you didn't.

You came over to see if that was the right thing to do.

Bob, she offered to marry me, and I'm gonna hold her to it.

Attaboy. Chain her. Tie her up.

I got some extra rope here.

I'll even show you how to tie a knot only Houdini could get out of.

Bob, she could learn to love me. I could bring her flowers every day.

Ifshe doesn't like my apartment, I'll get her a big house.

- That's really stupid, isn't it? - Yup.

Guess I'll just have to let her go.

Well, I don't see how you can stop her.

Neither do I. She's an eagle. She's gotta soar.

Jerry, you know, you may not believe this...

but there are a lot of eagles out there.

I mean,you could meet another one tomorrow.

I mean, I know a lot of eagles.

You know a lot ofmud hens, Emily. [ Mutters]

Jerry, I'm sure things look bleak right now.

I'm sureyou think that, uh, life is empty...

you have nothing...

just as you might think I have nothing up my sleeve.

I am making a point, Emily.

Jerry, you have to have patience.

And if you do, good things will happen...

and your life will be filled with-

Scarves?

His life will be filled with scarves?

- Surprises. He knows what I'm talking about. - Yeah, I do, Bob.

You're trying to make me feel better, and I'm sure that I will... someday.

And someday you're gonna find the right girl.

Sure! And if I don't, I'll just go it alone.

Jerry...

you'll never go it alone...

'cause you will always have...

an egg in your ear.

Hi. I just want to say good-bye to everybody.

- See you during your next pit stop. - Bye, Bob.

- Where are you off to? - I'm going back to Bolivia.

Oh! Well, be sure to ship us some chufio.

I'd love to, but it's out of season.

What- What are they stomping on now?

Probably the dictator.

- So long, Courtney. - Aren't you taking Courtney to the airport?

- No, this eagle must soar alone. - [ Elevator Bell Dings]

-I hate long good-byes. - So do I.

- Bye. - Bye.

HeyJerry, I thinkyou handled that really well.

Hey, I can cope, huh? [Laughs]

I've done it before. I can always find somebody else.

If I can't have an eagle, I can call up one of Emily's mud hens.

Courtney. Courtney! Courtney, I can't live without you!

So far I'd say he's coping beautifully.

[ Mews]