Original subtitles

- Uh, want another piece of pie, Howard? - No, thanks. Four is plenty.

- You're a terrific cook, Emily. - Oh, thank you.

Oh, now honey, don't hide your light under a bushel. You're a terrific cook too.

You know what Carol made me for breakfast this morning?

Toast.

- Emily made that for me once. - 0/1.

With a choice of cinnamon orjelly?

- Which one did you take? - I had both.

- Good fiat you. - [Chuckles]

Well, wait till you're married a few years longer. You- You won't have a choice.

Toward the end, Lois used to serve me those- the little cardboard boxes of cereal...

with no milk.

Say, did I show you the pictures I took of Carol at the beach?

- Yes, I thinkyou did. - No, you didn't.

- Yes, you did. - Well, we've looked at a lot of pictures.

Larry, uh, you've shown them the pictures of me on our honeymoon...

and the ones of me cleaning the apartment and the ones of me grocery shopping.

And the ones of Carol, uh, cleaning her oven.

You have a nice broiler.

- We haven't seen the ones of Carol at the beach. - Oh. Well, here they are.

- Great. - I, uh- I shot these at sunrise.

- Now, here's Carol at 6:01. - Mmm. Very nice.

- There's Carol at 6:02. - Uh-huh.

[Larry] There she is at 6:03.

She, uh, doesn't look that much different from the one at 6:02.

Except a little older.

Honey, come on, You've shown 'em pictures of everything except me brushing my teeth.

- Those won't be ready till tomorrow. - Oh, you need some cream.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Let me.

Here we go.

Thank you.

That's my Big Red. Isn't she beautiful when she drinks coffee?

Too bad you don't have your camera.

- I could get it. It's in the car. - No, no.

Honey, we better be heading for home, otherwise...

you'll have to take pictures of me falling asleep.

Oh, that wouldn't be too bad. You're beautiful when you're asleep.

- Emily, thanks for a terrific dinner. - Yeah, yeah. Thanks a lot.

- Next time you'll have to come to our place for dinner. - I'll whip up some toast.

- Good night. - Bye-bye.

- Nice talkin' to you. - Good night.

[Sighs]

Ah. Wow. Well, could I please have some more ice cream and some pie?

Well, uh, Howard, we're gonna be going to bed soon.

That's okay. I'll turn out the lights.

- Well, I'll give you a piece of pie to take with you. - And, uh, some ice cream.

Yeah. Gee, aren't newlyweds romantic?

I just love the way Larry dotes on Carol.

Well, I- I dote on you. I just-

- I dote differently than... other doters dote. - Mm-hmm.

You never stirred my coffee.

- I always thought you were strong enough to stiryou own coffee. - [ Laughs]

Here you are, Howard: pie é la mode for the road.

Oh. Well, then I, uh, guess I'm going, huh?

That's what “for the road“ means.

[Sighs] Well, I'm sorryl can't stay any longer, Bob.

- L, uh, have been asked to leave. - [Clicks Tongue] Oh.

We'll, uh- We'll make it up to you, Howard. We'll invite you for dinner one night.

Oh. [Sighs] Well.

- Well, there he goes. - Yeah.

Uh, why did you want him to leave?

Well, I thought maybe you wanted to dote on me.

I mean, I'm- I'm wide awake.

Nothing to watch on television.

I don't have anything to read.

I don't have anything to read either.

So, um, what do you feel like doing?

Well, I could, uh, run down to the drugstore, get a couple of magazines.

I tell you, Dr. Hartley, it's getting so you can't trust anybody these days.

Well, I-l hope you trust me, Mrs. Bakerman.

Oh, I certainly do.

It's the priest at my church that I don't trust- Father McKinnon.

I think he's rigging the bingo games.

Why- Why do you say that?

Just look at this record that I've been keeping.

Look what has happened the last seven bingo nights.

The priest's cousin has won the panty hose.

Well, it could just be a coincidence.

Was it a coincidence that the deciding number...

every time was 0-68?

Well, it- it isn't likely.

Was it a coincidence that the priest's sister won the television set...

and the Kawasaki dirt bike?

There's something going on at that church that just isn't kosher.

You, uh- You may be right.

Whoops. I'm sor- Uh, my pencil just broke.

Well, then, I will just hold my thought.

All rightjust, uh- just give me a second.

- Uh, Carol, would you bring in a new pencil, please? - Right away, Bob.

- One sharp pencil-just what the doctor ordered. - Larry, what are you doing here?

I just came by on my lunch hour to help out Big Red.

- Who's Big Red? - Oh, that's what I call Carol. She has red hair.

Isn't that nice?

My brother, Carlyle, used to call his wife “Big Red.“

Of course, she was a communist.

Bob, um, I'll, uh- I'll pick up some more pencils while I'm at the drugstore.

- I have to get some film. - More pictures of Carol.

Right.

All right. You can write this down now:

“And I am going to find out what it is.“

I- I beg your pardon?

What's going on over at the church- it's gone way beyond the talking stage.

I am going to write a letter to the pope.

Well, uh, why don't you, uh- why don't you give it another week...

and then ifit, uh- ifit happens again, then- then write the letter.

I just wish I knew the Latin word for “rip-off.“

- Oh, uh, Bob, I typed up that letter. Red has it. - Oh, thanks.

Here you go, Bob. Put you down for next week, Mrs. Bakerman?

- Thank you, Big Red. - [Chuckles]

- You met Larry. - Yes, I did.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Do you happen to know the pope's last name?

Uh, Carol, unless I'm wrong, I think that's supposed to be...

“group“ therapy. not “gorp“ therapy.

Oh, sorry, Bob. Larry still uses the hunt-and-peck method.

Well, when he types it over, tell him there are no numbers in my name.

- Nice, uh- Nice flowers. - They're from Larry.

- That's what I figured. - Can I tell you somethin', Bob? He exhausts me.

Well, that's, uh, traditional for newlyweds.

Just hear me out, Bob. Larry's all over me.

- Uh, really, Carol, let's not get into this. - Please, Bob.

He's like a blanket. I mean, we're together constantly, 24 hours a day.

- Like the other night in the shower- - Carol, really.

Bob, what I'm trying to say is, I never get a minute to myself.

Well, maybe he'sjust... trying to conserve hot water.

[Clicks Tongue] Come on, Bob.

You and Emily have lots of time to yourselves.

I mean, ifshe had to be with you 24 hours a day, she'd go crazy.

Well, I, uh-l don't wanna be with her all the time either.

I mean, like, uh, tomorrow night she has tickets for the ballet. It's the last place I wanna be.

Don't go.

Well, I wouldn't, if I, uh- if I thought I could find somebody else who...

you know, who'd enjoy going.

Sorry, Bob. I feel about the ballet the same way you do.

- I don't know enough about it to enjoy it. - Well, it's, uh, Swan Lake.

- It's the story about this princess that turns into a- - I know, but I don't want to go.

- Besides, what would Larry do? - Hmm,we could, um- we could think of something.

Carol, do you, uh-

you suppose Larry might be interested in playing poker sometime?

- I'm not going to the ballet, Bob. - [ Elevator Bell Dings]

How about a nice big smile from Big Red?

- Larry, I'm working. - I'll only be a 60th of a second.

I gotta have that ticket, Bob. I'll pay anything.

The way I'm anteing, I should have gone to the ballet.

I wish you had. Then I could have been with Big Red.

- Are we gonna play or what? - Why bother? The cards are terrible tonight.

- Does a straight flush beat four of a kind? - [jar/y] Yeah.

I'll call.

- Okay, What are you gonna do, Howard? - It's always up to Howard.

Whatever I do, wherever I go, it's always up to Howard.

What are you gonna do, Howard?

I don't know.

I'll raise you a nickel.

- Too rich for my blood. - Call.

Call. What do you got, Howard?

- [Chuckles] Read those and weep. - A pair of threes?

Yeah. I paired up on the last card.

I pulled my third ace on the last card.

- Straight flush. - Guess I came in third.

- Dip. - Don't get personaLjer.

- No. Pass the dip. - Oh.

Carol makes the best dip in the world.

She combines sour cream and onion soup mix.

I don't know how she does it.

Perhaps we could just play cards without talkin' in between every hand here.

Boy, I miss her. You should have seen...

what she was wearing when she left for the ballet.

She was wearing... a dress.

Sometimes Emily wears a dress.

- Are we gonna talk or play cards? Who's deal is it? - It's mine.

And, uh, dealer's choice- What game are we gonna play, Howard?

- Pai tai. - I've never heard of it.

- It's Chinese poker. - “Pai tai?“ What does that, uh, mean?

- “Chinese poker.“ Everybody in. - Everybody except you, Howard.

In pai tai the dealer doesn't ante. Sorry, Bob.

- Okay? How many cards you have? - Eleven.

- Six. - Two.

- Good. - Uh, Howard, are there any rules to this game?

It has rules.

This is the way it goes, okay? Twos and sevens beat anything. Red jacks are wild...

and the first person to have a winning hand yells, “pai tai!“

- Now, does anybody have any kings? - I have two.

Throw 'em out.

- No kings in pai tai. - I should have guessed.

- Okay? I bet a dime. - I fold.

You can't.

- Can I fold? - Only the dealer can fold in pai tai.

I don't have any cards.

You'll have to sit there until you lose.

Well, in that case, I'll double my bet.

- Okay. I call. - I'll call.

Call.

I win! Pai tai. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Well, they don't call you “Lucky“ Borden for nothing.

- I wish Big Red was back. - I love this game. Let's play again.

Oh, no, sirree. It's my deal, and it's dealer's choice.

- And dealer says “klopsky.“ - Klopsky?

Klopsky. I'll need three decks of cards and a banana.

- Hi. - Oh, Big Red's back.

- How was it? - Same old thing: The swan died.

- Everybody have on their tutus? - Except for one overweight ballerina.

She was wearing a three-three. [Chuckles]

Oh. [Laughs]

[Wheezing]

[High-pitched Giggling] I love your sense of humor.

I am the luckiest guy in the world, because I get to go home with you.

- Let's go. - You can't leave. We're right in the middle of klopsky.

- No, I wanna go home. - Larry, I thought we could stay with our friends for a while.

Aw, gee, I was kinda hoping to take some pictures of you in the moonlight.

- There is no moon. - Well, then you can stand under a lamppost.

Larry, I'm not gonna stand under a lamppost in Chicago in the middle of winter.

- You're mad, aren't you? - A little.

- Oh, and you- - And don't tell me I'm beautiful when I'm mad.

All right. I won't. But you are.

- [Chuckles] - Hmm. Let's go home, Larry.

- See you Thursday, Emily. - What do you mean? What's Thursday?

Well, Carol and I thought we'd go to the gym a couple of nights a week, you know, to kind of...

firm up.

That's silly. You're plenty firm. So's Emily.

Well, you can't be too firm.

We thought we'd give you guys bachelor nights every Tuesday and Thursday.

I had bachelor night every night of my life for 35 years!

- Look. lfit's gonna be a problem- - It's not a problem.

- It's something I wanna do. - Well, fine.

I'm, uh, gonna go look for a banana.

- [ Emily] Yeah. Why not? - Let's all look for bananas.

- Why can't I go to the gym with ya? - Larry, it's a ladies' gym.

- How are we gonna be together? - Maybe I need to be by myself once in a while.

- There's somebody else. - That's ridiculous. I'm gonna look for a cab.

I don't know why we even got married if you're never coming home.

I'm beginning to wonder that myself.

- Thanks for a wonderful evening! - You're welcome.

Hey, if you guys aren't gonna play any more pai tai, you owe me $14.

What?

Don't get mad at me. I didn't make up the rules.

Uh, Emily, sit down. We're gonna get a chance to win our money back here.

Okay. Everybody ante up for klopsky.

Okay, I'm in.

Bob? You remember our first fight?

- Yeah, uh,joe Fraizer andjerry Quarry. - What?

The Fraizer-Quarry fight. That was the first fight we saw together.

No. I'm talking about a fight like Larry and Carol had tonight.

- Oh, you mean a domestic squabble. - Mmm.

- No. I don't remember our first fight. Do you? - It was August 17, 1970.

Oh. Well, it, uh, really doesn't matter.

Yeah. You came home from work at 6:25 and you-

you changed into your Bermuda shorts- you know, the red and yellow ones?

And then you went out on the balcony to barbecue some steaks.

- What color socks was I wearing? - Green.

Well, it really doesn't matter.

You came in from the balcony, and you brought the steaks in, and we sat down at the table.

- And I covered my steak- - Ketchup! Now I remember. You ruined it with ketchup!

- Well, like you said, it really doesn't matter. - Oh, it matters, all right.

Y-You destroyed a beautifully barbecued piece of meat. It was perfect. You-

You slapped ketchup all over it and ruined it.

Ketchup was the only way to save it.

You don't know anything about steaks.

I know shoe leather when I taste it.

- And you know about ketchup. - I happen to like ketchup.

- Aha! So it had nothing to do with the meat. - The meat was ruined.

- It was ruined by the ketchup. - It was ruined by the cook.

Our first fight? No, I don't remember anything about it.

Neither do I.

Good night, Bob.

- Good night. - [ Sighs]

Now I'm hungry.

Father McKinnon's cousin won at bingo again.

- Panty hose? - Six pairs.

It can't be a coincidence this time.

Well, maybe it'll be the last time it'll happen.

It is the last time it will happen.

See this? I took it after last night's game.

O-68.

You, uh- You stole this, Mrs. Bakerman.

When I go to confession this afternoon...

I will ask Father McKinnon for forgiveness.

And then I will ask him to forgive me for having him arrested.

Why don't you just, uh, give back the ball, and, uh, maybe he'll get the message?

Oh, I can't take that chance, Dr. Hartley.

This week it's a dune buggy...

and a set of mag wheels at stake.

Well, I'm, uh- I'm afraid our time is up. just, uh-

just do what you think is best and, uh, you know, let your conscience be your guide.

My conscience says to me...

“Lillian,you blew the Kawasaki.

Be sure the dune buggy doesn't slip through your fingers.“

Knocks] Bob, Larry won't be playing poker tonight.

Oh, that's too bad. Howard was gonna explain four-man sneehoe.

Can't you just play three-man sneehoe?

Three-man sneehoe is illegal in Illinois.

- Wh-Why can't he play? - Well, I won't be going to the gym.

He thinks I'm firm enough, and he wants me at home.

He, uh, got a new lens for his camera, huh?

He got a new movie camera, Bob, with sound.

You know what's on at Thursday Night at the Mowes? Me cooking Wednesday morning's breakfast.

He made me poach the same egg seven times till he got a perfect take.

Bob, why? Why is he doing this to me?

Carol, why are you letting him do it? I mean, why don't you just be honest with him?

Because I don't wanna louse this thing up.

Carol, if being honest is gonna louse it up, then, uh, maybe it wasn't too good to begin with.

You're right, Bob. I'm going to the gym.

Uh, Carol, that, uh- that new movie camera that Larry got- uh, you say it has sound?

- Yeah. - Would he let me, uh, use it one time?

Sure, if I can pry it out of his hands.

Well, I-l thought it might help straighten out my, uh- my bowling.

Last couple of times I've gone out I was hitting myself in the- in the ankle.

- Why do you need sound for that? - Well, I thought it'd be interesting to-

to hear what I sound like when I- when I scream.

Door Closes 1

[Yelps Quietly]

[Yelps Louder]

Mmm. Bob, this is a beautifully barbecued steak.

The secret is to turn it every minute and a half to get the outsidejust right.

- Pass the ketchup. - Oh.

What are you- What are you doing that for?

- I like ketchup on it. - Doesn't everybody?

Well, look. Carol, I hate to rush you, but we'd better get our things together.

- We're due atjogging class in 15 minutes. - Talk about eating and running.

Honey, you can finish my steak if you want it.

Not with all that stufiall over it.

[ Mocking] All that stufiall over it.

[Mouthing Words]

-[Clears Throat] - [Chuckles]

- [Knocking] - I'll get it.

Hi, Emily. Bob.

- Hi, Larry. - Hi.

- Where's, uh, Big Red? - Uh, she's changing.

I'll say she is.

Listen to this note she left me:

“I love you very much. I'm going to the gym.“ What does it mean?

I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

Uh, Carol, Larry's here.

- [Carol] He is? - What does that mean?

- Well, it probably means she didn't expect you here. - I don't understand any of this.

- Why is she doing this to me? - Why is she doing what to you?

- Trying to run away from me. - Well, does she look like she's trying to run away from you?

Yeah. She looks like she's thinking about it.

I'm not. Larry, you've gotta let me breathe.

Well, why can't we breathe together?

- I thought married people were supposed to do things together. - Not everything.

- Most things. - Not breathing.

Could I say something?

Carol is like a- a good steak, and-

and you're tryin' to smother her with- with ketchup.

- I like ketchup on steak. - Nice try, Bob.

- I'll handle this, Bob. Larry, I love you. - Well, that's telling him.

- L- I love you too, Red. - But I'd love you more if you'd let me have some time to myself.

Now what I wanna know is, do you love me enough to let me do that?

Yeah.

Well, sure.

Of course.

Oh, honey, you take as much time as you need.

Oh, thank you. Emily, let's go.

- When will you be back? - [Carol ] When I get back.

- Uh, what's the number at the gym? - I don't know.

- Well, uh- uh, will you call me when you get there? - Come on, Carol.

You want me to pickyou up? I've got my car-

Sneehoe! [Cackles]

Aw, that's three sneehoes in a row.

How can he be lucky enough to keep drawin' the king ofsnee?

- Hey, where's the food? - Look. I'm not feeding you guys every Tuesday and Thursday.

I mean, why can't we play at somebody else's place?

'Cause your apartment is centrally located.

Oh, that's true. Your apartment is a little off-center.

We can play at my place next week.

Yeah, we can play at my place the week after that.

- Well, how about you, Howard? - Well, I'll go anywhere to play sneehoe.

When we play at my apartment, we're gonna play straight poker.

Is that directed at me? I know how to play straight poker. I'll deal.

Talk about bad luck. We finally play five-card draw, and I draw the king ofsnee.

[ Mews]