Original subtitles

One thing I forgot to tell you, Dr. Hartley.

Last night, at the real estate banquet, I was named...

top salesman oftheyear for the 12th year in a row.

- Oh. Congratulations. - 'Course, this is the sixth year in a row...

I wasn't invited to the banquet.

Well,you still must feel proud.

Nah, it's too easy. All it takes is a lotta talent...

and a sincere face.

I got 'em both.

Look at that face. What do you see?

- Sincerity. - Damn right. Right up to the eyeballs.

Elliot F. Carlin is numero uno in this town.

Mr. Buy and Sell. When E.F. Carlin talks, people listen.

I'm sorry. What'd you say, Mr. Carlin?

Everything out there is too easy for me. It's in here that I'm in trouble.

Out there, everything I touch turns to money.

Uh, speaking about money, uh...

Carol mentioned that you're two months behind in your bill.

Yeah, well, I'm just a little cash-poor right now.

Well, aren't we all?

- You'll get your money when my ship comes in. - Yeah, is-

ls your ship heading in my direction?

You're darn right it is. I'm putting together a fantastic real estate deal.

I'm buying tenements, and renovating them into new townhouses.

It's gonna be the biggest thing to hit this town in 5O years.

It's gonna make a bundle. You know what they call that in the real estate business?

- What? - Making a bundle.

Bet you just wish you could get in on it, don't ya?

Yeah, I've been looking for a good tenement deal.

That's just the kind ofan attitude that'll keep you in the poorhouse.

It doesn't matter to me if you don't want part of the deal.

L, uh-l don't want part of the deal.

Okay. Let's mark that down.

Robert Hartley: “I don't want part of the deal.“

I'll just put that under your picture in the “Chumps Hall of Fame.“

- Right there next to Gus Cudahy. - Who's Gus Cudahy?

Just another chump.

- Bye, Elliot. - Don't sweet-talk me, you turncoat.

L beg your pardon?

Why'd you have to tell Hartley I was behind on my bill?

- Well, it's his money. - Well, he'll get his money, and so will you.

You don't owe me any money!

Then lend me a dollar for the bus, will ya?

Oh, sorry, Elliot. All I have is a five.

All right, I'll take a cab.

Don't worry. Your money's safe with me.

Oh, boy. I can't believe how time flies.

- Howie's going to be 11 years old. -[Chuckles]

Seems like only last year, he was 1 O.

Doesn't make sense, does it, Howard? What'd you get him?

Coffee maker.

What 11-year-old kid wouldn't want a coffee maker?

Yeah. It's a good one. It's got a filter and everything.

You know, actually, it's not a bad idea.

I mean, it employs chemistry and engineering. It's really an educational toy.

Yeah. And he likes coffee.

Howard, put your finger on the bow.

- Oh, yeah. Thanks for the bow. - Mm-hmm.

- And, uh, thanks for the wrapping paper. - [Chuckles]

And the ribbon.

- And, uh, the card. - Aw, you're welcome.

- Hi, honey. Hi, Howard. - [Together] Hi, Bob!

You know, Howard, something just occurred to me.

Why is it, whenever I come home, you're always here in the apartment?

Uh, well, uh, Bob, it's uh-

[Clears Throat] It's not what you think.

L-I thought you came over to borrow something.

Oh, then it is what you think!

Door Closes 1

What's, uh- What's all that stuff?

Oh,just a few magazines that I ordered.

- A few? It looks more like a dozen. - Well, actually, 13.

But I only paid for 12.

I guess this copy of Turkey Quarterly is a bonus.

Y-You wanna know what happened, huh, Bob?

No, Emily. I know what happened. Some kid came to the door...

and told you that he was working his way through brain surgery school...

- by selling magazines. - It was astronaut school.

It wasn't a kid. It was a short, fat, 55-year-old man.

Probably part of ground control.

- You uh, you think I got taken, Bob? - No.

Coins, Coins, Coins?

- I don't thinkyou got taken. - Well, you see...

I had a good reason for buying them.

I was just about to ask: Did you have a good reason for buying them?

Yes, I did, but I forgot it.

- You're really a soft touch, Emily. - Oh, Bob.

The country can use another astronaut.

Y-You're a mark. An easy target.

- Y-You know, a fish in a barrel. - Mm-mmm.

I'm glad it wasn't Elliot Carlin. You would have bought 13 houses.

Iwouldn't buy anything from Elliot Carlin.

Well, that's what I used to think, but, uh, he's a very rich man.

Matter of fact, if he weren't my patient, I'd go into a real estate deal...

- he's puttin' together right now. - Oh, you always like real estate.

I rememberyour last real estate investment:

You bought a piece of Laughing Springs, Wyoming.

Laughing Springs is no laughing matter, Emily.

I know. You invested in the only town in America that went broke.

I didn't invest in New York City.

Maybe you can still get a piece of it.

Well, lefsjust keep pumping our money into magazines.

Bob, if you want to make a safe investment...

why don't we buy life insurance?

Because we have enough life insurance, and besides, it's, uh-

It's no fun to collect.

Emily, real estate is the only way today to make a bundle.

I mean, it- It starts out small, and then it begins to mushroom.

You know, and uh, before you know it, it turns into something you can't stop.

I mean, it's happening to people we know. It could happen to us.

Bob, I told you, Emily and I arejust good friends.

I just came over to borrow something.

What did you come over to borrow, Howard?

Emily.

I want her to retie my bow.

- Good morning, Carol. - Hi, Bob!

Oh, great. American Beekeeper. Oh, I hope it's a current issue.

Emily bought 'em. She's trying to send a guy to Mars.

You want to check with the other doctors?

See if they want a copy of Duck and Decoy?

Oh, Bob, can I keep this Turkey/Quarterly for myself, for old times' sake?

- Sure. - Before I got married, that's where all my dates came from.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Okay, Bob. What's the idea, having Carlin call me 6:30 in the morning?

- Jerry, what are you talking about? - Talkin' about Carlin.

That patient of yours. The one with the bad rug.

Well, it looks bad because he had it laundered instead ofdry-cleaned.

He calls me this morning ranting about some nitwit real estate scheme you and he are in on.

When Sharon picks up the- When f answered the telephone...

- I was in no mood to chat. - I'm sure.

Anyway, can you imagine that loony expecting anybody to invest with him?

- Mr. Carlin is not a loony. - He's not “um-loony.”

He happens to be one of the best real estate people in the business.

He makes millions of dollars for his investors.

If I weren't his doctor, I'd be in on this one.

- Y-You know what they call him? - Loony?

No, they call him “the bundle maker.“

He's the best in the business. Take my word for it.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings] - Hi, Carol. Robinson.

Let's go, Dr. Hartley. Right now!

Be right with ya, “E.F.“

- [DwrS/ams] - Hey, uh, Carol. That guy Carlin know what he's doin'?

Well, let me put it this way,jerry. We went shopping together once.

I bought a blouse, and he bought a condominium.

Take a good look at me, Dr. Hartley. You notice anything wrong?

Well, as I toldjerry, you should have had it dry-cleaned.

I'm taikin' about my face. Do you think it's lost its sincerity?

Still works for me.

How come I'm having so much trouble closing this deal of mine?

- The tenement deal? - Yeah, I'm still 1 O G's short.

Tomorrow's the deadline.

I called everybody. Everybody's tapped out.

Why did you telljerry that I was in on the deal?

I thought it'd impress him. Didn't.

Excuse me for bargin' in, Bob, but I gotta talk to Carlin.

- Jerry, we're having a session here. - Excuse me.

Okay, Carlin, I want in. How much?

"Le-“Y! . - lfa man wants In, leave hlm alone.

- Wh-What about the session? - lfl get the 1 O G's, I won't need the session.

10,000? I can't raise $10,000!

- How much can you raise? - A thousand?

Take a walk, buster. We're having a session in here.

Uh, fine. What about $5,000?

- Chicken feed! - Come on, Carlin. I want in here.

- Get another guy with five G's and you're in. - Uh, what about Bob?

No! No way. No, count me out.

- Come on, Bob! - All right, all right. Count me in.

- No! Count me out. - He bends like a willow in the wind.

- What's it gonna be, Bob? - Uh, no.

- Why? - Because Mr. Carlin's a patient of mine.

If you don't have any faith in him,whowill?

Good point, Robinson.

Jerry, I can't just plunk down $5,000 without talking to Emily.

- Why not? - Well, because it's her money too.

Hey, it doesn't matter. I'll get somebody else!

Uh- I'm in.

Hey, great! Okay, Carlin, we'll be down to your office for the contracts.

I'll save you the trip.

Robinson, Hartley. Your names are right on the contracts.

You can sign 'em with these pens. Your names are on them, too.

You thought of everything, didn't you, Mr. Carlin?

No, he didn't. These have to be notarized.

You owe me three dollars.

Well, this is it.

Very rustic.

Rustic, yet filthy.

Believe me, it's pure gold.

- Guess it just looks like filth. - Look, it's even got lights.

- This joint's got everything. - Yes, if you look behind the debris, you know.

-It's got endless possibilities. - Maybe it's the way the furniture's arranged.

Maybe that chair would look better against that wall.

All you gotta do is slap up a little plaster and a little paint...

slap up some wallpaper, and you got a place to hang your hat.

Slap up a hook.

Bob, is it too late to invest our money in magazines?

We're not in this just for the money!

This is the kind of place normal people are gonna be moving into. Normal people, like you and me.

Well, like you.

It's happening in America today. You know...

we're all moving back into the inner city- the inner city is the new frontier.

Yeah, we're doing this for our country.

Maybe it doesn't look like much now, but this is the place of the future.

- [Can Rattles] - There's a lot of schools nearby, and right across the street...

- there's gonna be a brand-new shopping center. - How do you know that?

I'm gonna build it.

- Hey, Carlin. Can I get in on that? - You can't afford it now.

- We'll talk later. - Uh, is there any more to this “new frontier“?

- Where's the bathroom? - What bathroom?

That-That's why they call it a “frontier?

Come on. I'll show you the kitchen. Right this way.

Watch your step. There may be rats.

If you don't bother them, they won't bother you.

[Clicks]

[Clicks]

- [Clicks] - Yeah, that's better.

- Oh, uh, hi. - Who are you?

- I'm Bob Hartley. - Did you say “Bob“?

- That'; r/ght. - Get out, Bob.

I came here to see the place. Wejust bought it.

We're gonna remodel it into a townhouse and then-then resell it.

Gonna make a bundle, huh?

- You, uh, you work here? - Yeah. I'm the butler.

I just dropped by to polish the silver.

I didn't, uh- didn't catch your name.

Kvbagask. k-R-B-O- gash.

This is my place, Bob.

That's uh, nice.

Yeah. It should be nice.

I've spent 47 years decorating it.

You seen a cat around here?

- A what? - A cat! Like a dog, only fluffier.

- Well, no. I haven't. - Cat's name's Arbogast.

- Oh, the same as yours. - Yeah. Only he's not as friendly.

Well, it's dinnertime.

- Uh, for the cat? - Who'd you think it was for?

The cat.

Why don't you describe him? Maybe I'll help you look for him.

Oh, he's just an old, yellow cat. 300 or 400 pounds.

Never around when you want him to run somebody off.

Oh, he's a- He's a watch cat. [Chuckles]

Be gone when I get back, Bob.

- [DwrS/ams] - Don't think of it as a hole in the ceiling.

- Think of it as a skylight. - [Bob] How'; the rest of the place?

Stunning. I'll see it again when it's been shoveled out.

Uh, Mr. Carlin, do you- Do you know about the old man that lives here?

Arbogast? Yeah, don't worry about him. I'll have him out by the first.

Yeah, but he's lived here for 47 years.

Okay. I'll give him till the third.

Forget itjerry. I'm not throwin' an old man out in the street.

Carlin's puttin' the escrow through. You can't back out now.

- Watch me. - Emily, talk to him.

-I agree with him. - Emily, don't talk to him.

If I have a choice between a fat wallet and sleeping at night, I'm gonna sleep.

Why not sleep on a fat wallet?

Jerry, you have got to think of Mr. Arbogast.

- Don't worry about him! - [ Sighs]

Jerry, the old man was so poor he was eating cat food.

- That was for his cat! - What cat? Did you see a cat?

- That doesn't mean there wasn't a cat. - There was no cat.

How could you miss a 300-pound cat?

- The old man was eating cat food. - What if he was?

Some of that cat food is good these days. Especially the mixed grill and the seafood dinner.

Jerry, I'm out.

Bob, I'm in this thing up to my eyes.

- Jerry, I don't want to hear it. - I hocked all my equipment.

- I said, I don't want to hear it. - I'm workin' on a rental dental chair, Bob.

- I'm not gonna listen any more. - Yes, you are, Bob. You're gonna hear me out.

- No, I'm not.;;[ Humming] - Yes,you ar-

Someone stands to make a fortune out of this. It might as well be me!

Well, that's really mature! Sure, that'll make everything go away!

Boy, you thinkyou're dealing with adults here!

But sooner or later, you know you're not!

♪♪ [ Continues]

He's gone, Bob.

Catchy little tune.

Emily, you think I did the right thing?

Well, I would have chosen more of a polka.

Wow!jerry's really steamed!

He didn't say hello to me. Of course, he never says hello to me.

I don't thinkjerry likes me.

Of course, he gave me these ice cubes. That must mean something.

Jerry was steamed because Bob pulled out of a business deal...

rather than throw an old man into the street.

Aw, well, uh- Good for you, Bob. That's the Canadian way.

What are you talking about, Howard?

Well, you remind me of a guy I knew in Canada.

- How's that? - Well, he got in this oil deal...

and, uh, the land belonged to an old farmer, see?

If they drilled oil on the land, it would have ruined the crops.

Oh, so your friend told 'em not to drill.

No, they drilled, and they hit, and they're all millionaires.

Ruined the crops, though.

Howard, I don't get the connection. How does he remind you of me?

Oh, I'm sorry. He was your size. Well, I'll seeya.

See ya, Howard.

Actually, uh, he wasn't your size, he was my size, but his name was Bob.

- Now I see. - No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Waita minute.

His name wasn't Bob, his name was... Pete!

That's right, that's right. It was Pete, and he wasn't my size, he was about 6'4”.

And it- Did I say, “oil“?

It wasn't oil, it was soybeans.

And it wasn't drilling, it was tilling! Yes, it was tilling!

-;;[ Humming] - What am I saying? It wasn't Canada!

- It was Ecuador! Ecuador! - ♪♪ [ Continues]

And it wasn't drilling! It wasn't tilling! It was milling!

- Milling! Milling! Why did I- -JJ[ Humming]

- He didn't look like Bob. -;;[Whistling]

But he did remind me of Bob.

He didn't look like Bob, but he reminded me of Bob.

[Knocking]

Leave it with the doorman.

Uh, Mr. Arbogast, you remember us, don't you?

Nope, but then I'm old and senile.

- Did you ever find your cat? - No.

- Is that what you got in the bag? - No.

No, we bought this for you. It's groceries and whatnot.

Good. I was getting low on “whatnot?

- It's not a lot. - I can see that.

Uh, Mr. Arbogast, you see, Bob and I-

Well, we felt- We felt badly about yesterday...

so, uh, we, uh-

Uh, why don't you tell him, Bob?

Yeah,you tell me, Bob.

We, uh- We backed out of the building deal.

- You did? - Yeah, we just didn't think it was right.

- You didn't, huh? - No. No, we didn't.

You know what, Bob? You're a chump.

- A what? - You're a chump! You passed up a bundle.

- What do you mean? - Well, that guy Carlin knows what he's doin'.

Here, fold that.

I sold seven of my buildings this year, and Carlin got the best deal of anybody.

- You sold seven buildings? - Yeah. This one makes eight.

That only leaves me six more.

Hand me that hat, will you?

Here.

Then-Then you aren't really out on the street, are you?

Just Easy Street. [Chuckles]

4823 Easy Street, Tucson, Arizona.

But that's not an invitation.

- What do I owe you for the groceries? - Oh, no, no. That's okay.

Uh, 22.50.

- Theta' s 11 'sucks. “(an awe me SD cams.

- I don't carry change. - I do.

You're not such a chump after all.

[Grunting]

Hey, look, you kids. If you ever get down to Tucson-

Nah, don't bother.

Well, Bob, I mean, uh-

I mean, you did what you believed in, and that was the right thing to do.

I mean, so what if we lost out on a coupla thousand dollars...

and a chance to retire young?

I mean, Bob, you know-

Your heart's in the right place, and that's what's important.

'Emily? _Mmm?

You're a chump.

Arbogast] Arbogast? Get your tail down here.

Hi. Emily!

Hey, congratulations, Howard. I see you made captain.

Oh, no, that's my party hat. That's for Howie's birthday party.

- Oh? How's it goin'? - Terrific.

We're gonna play “Pin the Tail on the Donkey.“ Hope I win.

So do I, Howard. We're all pulling for you.

- Do you have any birthday candles? - Birthday candles? Let me see.

I think we do.

- Yeah. Need anything else? - Not unless you have a donkey.

[Both Laughing]

[Emily Chuckling]

There they are. Together again.

I know what you're thinking, Bob, but I just came over to borrow something.

Navigator's hat or a party dress?

Came to borrow these candles.

And- Oh, yeah! Apples. We're gonna bob for apples. You have any apples?

No, we don't have any apples.

We'll just bob for the hell of it.

- Well, you ready for dinner? - Yeah. How 'bout, uh, Chinese?

How 'bout China? I just got my $5,000 back from Mr. Carlin.

- Oh!jerry wouldn't let you back in the deal? - No, they found a new partner.

- Oh, really? Who? - Arbogast.

[Chuckles]

Right, Howie.

Oh, you tricked me this time.

[ Mews]