Original subtitles

Here's my Christmas list, Dr. Hartley.

These are the gifts I'm giving myself.

“Shoes, galoshes, belt, toupee.“

They're good- good choices, Mr. Carlin.

At least I won't feel left out- like I was last year.

Nobody gave me anything.

- I gave you a sweater. - Yeah, but it was too small.

And it was ugly.

That's why I'm gonna give it back to you this year.

See? It's on the list. “Dr. Hartley- small, ugly sweater.“

Well, it- it wasn't that ugly.

Wait till you see what the moths did to it.

They chewed the little reindeer's faces right off.

[Coughs]

Excuse me, Mr. Carlin. I've had a sore throat all week.

I don't care. You're still getting the sweater.

Mr. Carlin, you don't have to give me anything.

Oh. That's better yet.

- What about Carol? Do you think I got to give her something? - It's up to you.

This is gonna be my kind of Christmas.

- Hi, Elliot. How are you? - Oh, the usual- one step from the brink.

Well, here's a little something to pick up your spirits.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I'm giving it to you early because I'm going away for the holidays.

- That's very thoughtful of you. - Mmm.

I'm sure you're gonna like your gift.

Elliot, you don't have to get me anything.

Fine.

- [Coughing] - Bob, you sound terrible.

I feel terrible, Carol. I've had a scratchy throat, stuffy sinuses.

- That ache-all-over feeling? - Exactly.

Then do what millions do.

Drink fluids and get plenty of rest.

What if symptoms persist?

Ah. Then do what doctors recommend,

Somebody call for a doctor?

Bob has a scratchy throat, stuffed-up sinuses.

That, you know, ache-all-over feeling.

Sounds like an impacted molar.

- It's not my teeth. - Oh, then I can't helpyou.

UhJerry, you can help me. You can drive me home.

I'm really, you know, too sick to drive.

I don't want to get germs all over my car. I just got her washed.

I could ride in the trunk.

Hey, I was just kidding. Of course you can ride with me.

Good. I'll go get my overcoat.

- I'll go get my surgical mask. - I'll go get my flu shot.

Merry Christmas, Bob. It's tonsillitis.

- Tonsillitis? - Yep.

And I think we ought toyank'em out.

“Yank“?

That's kind of a rough word, isn't it?

I mean, couldn't you say just “ease 'em out“?

Hey, any way you say it, Bob, they still got to be yanked.

- Why didn't you call me sooner? - Well, you were skin-diving in Hawaii.

I have a beeper on my snorkel.

Look, I don't want my tonsils “yanked out.“

Oh, don't worry, Bob.

It's not a serious operation, is it, Doctor?

Are you kidding? At Bob's age, a hangnail is serious.

I want him in the hospital tonight sol can operate tomorrow.

- Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. - I know.

You'll just have to miss the glazed ham and the sweet potatoes and-

- and the plum pudding. - You know, that is exactly what we were gonna have.

- So are we. - That's all my favorites.

Mine too. Oh, I can't wait.

All right, Bob. See you in the morning.

You'll recognize me. I'll be the guy in the mask.

[Laughs] Don't worry. I can let myself out.

Oh, uh- Emily, may I talk to you for a minute, please?

Do you melt marshmallows on your sweet potatoes?

Lots of them.

What about, uh, raisins on your glazed ham?

A whole box.

Oh, boy.

It's a good thing there's a doctor in my house. I'm gonna eat myself sick.

What, uh- What were you two whispering about?

Oh, nothing.

I'm not coming back, am I?

Of course you are.

No, I'm not. 'Cause I'm not going.

Bob, it's easy. I mean, I had my tonsils taken out when I was nine.

Yeah, but you were a kid. I mean, they're-

You know, they're careful with kids.

Dr. Bickwell will be very careful with you too.

- Are you sure we have the right doctor? - Honey, he's tops in his field.

He's been a friend of yours for 15 years.

He's a quack.

All right, Bob. Out of bed. Come on now.

I'll pack your robe and your pajamas.

Didn't even get to see the Christmas tree.

- [ Door Closes] - [Howard] Emily, I need you!

Doesn't he have the decency to wait until I'm gone?

We're in here, Howard.

Oh, hi.

I was just decorating my Christmas tree. I was wondering-

ls there a trick to stringing cranberry sauce?

Don't use the sauce, Howard. Use the berries.

Yeah, but what am I gonna do with all that cranberry sauce?

Make a wreath.

That's a good idea. How's your throat, Bob?

I'm going to the hospital tonight, Howard.

Oh, rats. That ruins my plans for tomorrow.

I was gonna have dinner with you guys.

Sorry, Howard. I guess I'm a heel.

Bob's having his tonsils out.

That sounds like a simple operation.

Little Howie had his yanked out last year.

Yeah, but he's a kid. They're- They're careful with kids.

Yeah, but I have a friend of mine who's a pilot.

- He had his pulled out, and he was over 40. - There you go, Bob.

Yeah, the latejohn Simpson.

I'm not gonna be in the hospital for Christmas.

Oh, Bob, we'll have Christmas after New Year's.

But then it won't be Christmas. Christmas is December 25.

Why don't we just pretend that the wise men arrived in Bethlehem...

mm say . uh' WNBW 17-?

Emily, everybody knows that the wise men arrived in Bethlehem...

before the Rose Bowl game.

Uh, Bob, uh-

I didn't want to say anything while Emily was here, but, uh...

if anything should happen to you, uh...

let's not let her know.

You can come out now, Bob. The nurse is gone.

Anyway, I knew another guy that came...

to this same hospital for a routine checkup-

Howard, no more hospital horror stories. All right?

This has a happy ending.

Anyway, after he got discharged...

he lived for, uh, almost two full years.

Howard, could I have a few minutes with Bob alone?

Yeah. Sure. Excuse me.

- A few last words, huh? - Oh. Honey, don't be silly. Nothing's going to happen.

I just wanted you to know that I-

I love you very much...

and these last years with you have been the happiest of my life.

Here you are, Mr. Henderson.

[Howard] Uh, thanks, but I'm not Mr. Henderson.

Did he run away again?

Hello there!

Welcome to St. Agnes Hospital.

Are you St. Agnes?

No. I'm Mrs. Loomis.

Oh. Oh, of course. I thought I recognized you.

I'm Dr. Hartley. You used to be one of my patients.

Oh, of course.

You fixed my gallbladder.

No, no. I'm a psychologist.

My kidney stones?

Uh, excuse me. Are you a nurse?

No. I'm just a volunteer. I'm a part of the skeleton crew.

Will, uh- Will you be taking care of me?

Oh,yes. I'm your angel of mercy.

Uh, is there anyjell-O?

Mr. Henderson, you know you're not supposed to have desserts.

That's right.

Well, it's, uh- it's 7:15.

I guess we'd better be going, huh?

Oh, my. I've only got 15 minutes to get across the hall.

I'd better be on my way.

- Can I come out now? - Come on out, Howard.

Well, honey, I'll see you tomorrow.

I mean, everything's gonna be all right.

Just think of sugarplums and Kris Kringle...

and chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Yeah, and we'll be enjoying all that without you.

- Come on, Howard Let? go. Good-bye, sweetheart. - Yeah. Bye, Bob.

Bye, Em I W.

[ Man] As they say in the song-

[Quoting Lyric]

And as you bask in the warmth of your family and friends...

with the aroma of glazed ham...

simmering in the oven...

yams covered with marshmallows cooling on the stove...

the staffofthis station wishes you and yours...

a very merry Christmas.

And now, for the next minute, let's all relax...

put our feet up, and listen to a Conelrad alert.

[Emergency Tone Ringing]

[Clicks Off]

Mrs Loomis] I remember.

You're Dr. Hartley, the shrink.

You used to take care of my problems.

Yeah. How's everything now?

Oh, the pits.

Since my sister stole my boyfriend...

I haven't been having very many dates.

Uh-huh.

Well, an occasional fling or two...

but there's nothing permanent on the horizon.

Well, these, uh- these things take time.

I'm telling you that men only want one thing.

Easy! Watch it there, hot rod!

I know this man. Don't you bruise the merchandise.

[Hoarsely] I'm, uh- I'm- I'm fine.

Just-just get me something to drink.

How many fingers am I holding up?

- [ Hoarsely] Water. - Four, that's right.

- Water. - Can I get you something to drink?

- Water. - I'll be back.

Mr. Henderson, you should be in bed. You look terrible.

Hi, Dr. Hartley.

Water.

I see you got out okay. I brought you a little gift.

- Water. - No, it's taffy.

What- What time is it?

7:30 a.m., December 24.

I thought you might need some cheering up.

I got a few things on my mind, so, uh-

It's about that, uh, toupee I bought myself for Christmas.

I never should have bought one made out of goat hair.

I just got out of surgery.

Yeah, I know. I was up there trying to talk to you. You were out like alight.

- [ Phone Rings] - Can't they hold your calls till after the session's over?

Water!

Hello. Carlin here.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Hartley. That's right- Elliot Carlin.

Yeah, that was him, all right.

Yeah, he's down from surgery.

Yeah, he looks fine to me.

Okay. I'll tell him you're coming down.

Bring water!

Here it is Christmas Eve, and I'm gonna be spending it stuck with a bunch of goat hair.

L-I

Why not? What else have you got to do?

It hurts to talk.

Chow time!

Come and get it!

Nice fresh lemon sherbet.

Scarf some of this down.

I c-l can't see you now.

- It's Christmas Eve, and you're the only friend I got. - I'll be your friend tomorrow.

Okay. Fine. lfthat's the way you feel about it.

Try to cheeryou up, bring a little sunshine into your life...

take your mind off your problem and put it on mine.

That's the thanks I get.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

- What? - That man came to visit you...

and you kicked him out.

Um- I don't want to be here.

I don't want to stay in this bed.

- I want to be in my own bed. - “I, I.“

Where's your Christmas spirit?

What about peace on Earth, goodwill toward men?

If you don't bring me a glass of water, I'm going to breakyour arm.

I believe you would.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge!

Here we are. Hand me a gingerbread man, will you,jer?

What are you doing? I didn't bake these cookies to have you eat them.

You didn't bake these cookies to have anybody eat them.

Cum

- I baked them to have you hang them. - Hangings too good for them.

Come on. Stop eating them. Okay?

There isn't anything else around here to eat, Howard.

Yeah, well, as soon as Emily comes back from the hospital, we'll take her to dinner.

Do you have your credit card?

Oh, surprise! Dinner's on me again?

That's nice ofyouJer.

Okay. The candy canes are all hung.

- They look perfect. - No. No. No. They're too low.

Gotta keep them out of the reach of the dog.

You don't have a dog, Howard.

Yeah. Might get a puppy for Christmas.

Okay. You finish the candy canes.

- I'll put the angel on top of the tree. - No, no, no, no!

- I gotta hang the angel. - Why can't / hang the angel?

Well, I do it everyyear. It's good luck.

One year I didn't do it. The Korean War broke out.

Okay, you do it, Howard. You do everything. You put the angel up there.

You move the candy canes around. just do it all.

What are you griping about? You got to hang the green balls.

- Yeah, well, you re-hung them. - They were too low.

Yeah, I forgot about your dog.

I don't know why you invited me over here in the first place, Howard.

Well, I invited you over 'cause you're my friend...

and, well, we don't get to see each other much...

and I-you know, I like you.

- Oh. - Besides, you don't get to see your family at Christmastime.

I don't have a family. I was an orphan.

Oh, that's right.

We didn't have an angel for our tree at the orphanage, you know?

All we had was a Dixie cup.

Yeah. Yeah.

Had a little face drawn on there with black crayon.

Couldn't put wings on it, because in the spring...

we had to use it as our Easter Bunny.

Oh, geez.

Halloween, it was our pumpkin.

- Yeah. - I appreciate that, Howard.

Ifa war breaks out, it's your fault.

- [Knocks] - Come in.

- Hi, fellas. - Oh, hi, Emily. Let's eat.

- Howard, Howard, what about Bob? - Bob can't go with us.

- He's in the hospital. - You wouldn't want him tojoin us anyhow.

He's in a terrible mood. All he does is complain.

That's because he's sick.

Just because his throat hurts doesn't mean he has tojump down ours.

Do you know that he sent the lemon sherbet back because it was too yellow?

My flowers were too fragrant. He even said the hospital was too sterile.

I've never seen Bob act like that before.

No, not since last summer when he sat on a bee.

Yeah. Wait till he comes back from the hospital and sees our tree.

You want to plug it in,jer?

Well, uh, what do you think of that?

Oh, beautiful- except the candy canes are too high.

I told you.

- You said they were too low! - I meant they were too high!

Well, the green balls don't look right either.

- Jerry hung 'em. - Well,you re-hung 'em!

That's because you hung 'em wrong in the first place.

I mean, you just put things anywhere!

You don't care what the tree looks like!

Look what he's doing! See the way he does that?

You're supposed to hang tinsel strand by strand.

Everybody knows that. Like we did at the orphanage.

Oh, great! That orphan stuff again. Stuff that down our throat.

Oh, yeah? How'd you like to go hurtling off the balcony on your throat?

- Yeah? You and what army? - Wait a minuteljust wait a minute!

What is this? I just left this at the hospital.

I mean, it's Christmas, and everybody's-

everybody's acting so hostile.

It feels like a war is gonna break out.

And we know who to blame for that, don't we?

This is the worst Christmas I ever had. I'm getting out of here.

- Yeah? Leave your credit card. - I am taking my credit card.

- Leave us here to starve, huh? - No. I'm taking Emily to dinner, but not you.

Yeah. The lady's with me.

I'm going back to the hospital. At least Bob can't yell.

- I'll go with you, Emily. - Me too.

I'm not gonna stay here with a bunch of low-hanging candy canes!

G,' [ Children Singing]

- ,','[Continues] - What's that racket?

That is the neighborhood children singing Christmas carols.

Yeah, well, they're singing flat, and they stink.

Well, why don't you two beauties pour boiling oil on them?

;; [Continues]

Howard, we're acting stupid. You know, Emily's right.

Yeah, maybe so. But I don't think pouring oil on them is the answer.

Well, it isn't! They'rejust kids!

- He's not here. - Well, maybe he ran away.

Excuse me-

Do we have to strap you in bed, Mr. Henderson?

I'm not Mr. Henderson. See, we're visiting Dr. Hartley. Where is he?

- Dr. Hartley is gone. - Gone where?

He's gone to that big room upstairs.

- Which big room upstairs? - The children's ward!

I told the sourpuss to take a walk.

[Jerry Laughs]

[Emily] Yes, he's been feeling awfully sorry for himself, hasn't he?

- He needs a good birchin', if you ask me. - [Emily Chuck/es ]

I must go and pass out my sugar cookies.

F make 'em every year 50 no one will be without a Christmas.

Hi, honey.

Don't “Hi, honey“ me.

Hi, Bob.

- Mew; Chrvstmas. - Merry Christmas, Bob. How you feeling?

- It's really, um- really good to see you. - Bob, I don't believe this.

When I left this morning, there was a grinch in that bed.

What were you doing up in the children's ward?

Oh, I helped them, uh-

helped them trim the tree, and I... passed out some sugar cookies.

- Oh, honey, that was very nice. - Well, I had no choice.

Mrs. Loomis said she'd slap me around if I didn't.

You know, uh, after seeing the kids...

I started to feel pretty selfish, you know?

Aw. Well, Merry Christmas, darling.

Oh. And I, uh-l get to go home tomorrow, so we can have Christmas dinner after all.

- Oh, that's great. - Except I have to have it through a straw.

- [Chuckles] - Bob, these are for you.

Oh.

Yeah. And, uh-

These are for you, j er.

Thanks a lot, Howard. And I hope you get your puppy for Christmas.

Yeah, and about the war- I'll take full responsibility.

- Cookies, anyone? - Oh, I'll have one, Santa. Thank you.

- Mrs. Henderson? - Oh.

Mr. Henderson?

You said I couldn't have desserts.

Mrs. Loomis, um, if you're not busy tomorrow...

uh, Emily and I would like you to have Christmas dinner with us.

Oh. Can I bring my date?

- Of course. - What time is dinner?

- Oh, around 4:00. - Oh, that's fine.

He usually drifts offat 6:00.

[Typing]

- Oh. Welcome back, Carol. - Hi, Bob. How was your Christmas?

Fine- if you don't mind having sweet potatoes out of a straw...

- and a glass ofham. - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

- Hi, Dr. Hartley. Hi, Carol. - Hi, Elliot.

I got you each a little gift.

I know it's belated, but don't look it in the mouth.

- Thank you. - How does your husband feel about goats?

- Goats? - Yeah.

- He's allergic to goats. - How does he feel about sweaters?

Can always use another sweater.

Okay, let's do it this way.

[ Mews]