Original subtitles

That's fine, dear. Thanks.

- Coffee, Howard? - Uh, no, thanks.

Wow. That was a first-class meal. What's it called?

Stew.

Yeah, well, it's first-class stew.

It was excellent, Emily- As usual.

It's been excellent the last five times I was here.

- I didn't realize I served it that often. - That's all right, dear.

Practice makes perfect. You almost got it right.

Oh, I wish Sonny were here to enjoy it.

Yeah, me too.

Who's Sonny?

Sonny? My son.

You call Bob Sonny? [Laughing]

That's the funniest thing I ever heard.

Well, it's not exactly funny. It's kind of dumb.

Well, it's not exactly dumb. lt's- It's a nice name.

Uh, any- Any dessert, Emily?

Yeah.just let me warm up the stew for Bob.

You know, Sonny would never touch stew when he was a child.

He'd wait until I wasn't looking...

and he'd scoop it into his pocket.

Yes, he was a scamp, all right.

I remember one time in church, Sonny pulled some stew...

out of the pocket of his little sailor suit...

and dropped it in the poor box.

Yeah, poor people like stew.

Well, I'd best be on my way, Emily...

ifl'm going to find that motel in the dark.

Mom, I don't want to hear any more of that motel stuff. You're gonna stay with us.

No, I don't want to impose. The motel's just fine.

- I thought you lived in Chicago. - I do, Howard...

but our house is being painted.

Howard, you've been in Mom's house.

Oh, you mean the one that needed painting.

Well, what with Herb offfishing, I thought...

“Now is the time to get it done.“

- Who's Herb? - Sonny's father.

Ah. You mean Sonny, Sr.

Don't you know of a decent motel nearby?

- Mom, you're not staying at a motel. - Yes, I am.

Yeah, well, there's one little motel around the corner.

It has towels and everything.

Mom, we have towels here.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, sweetheart.

- I'm sorry group ran so late. - Don't worry about it.

- Hello. - Hi, Mom.

- Hello, dear. - Hi, Howard.

Hi, Sonny.

Uh,your mom was just telling us how you liked...

to keep stew in your pocket when up were a kid.

Darn. I wanted to tell 'em that.

I used to keep worms in my pocket.

Well, sometimes they'd be there for weeks.

- Didn't they die? - Yeah, but it was just a hobby.

- Good night, Howard. - Bye.

I think I'll fix myself a drink.

I'll squeeze you some fresh lemonade.

No, I think I'll just squeeze a scotch.

You ready for some stew, Bob?

Yeah, maybejust a pocketful.

I'd love to stay, but I think I'd better walk over to the motel.

Okay. See you later, Mom.

She's gonna stay with us until her house is painted.

- Of course she is. Mom, I was just kidding. - It's all settled.

- I'll make up the bed in the den. - Well, all right...

but it doesn't seem fair for you two to give up the bedroom.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Uh, Mom, is it the whole house you're having painted?

Just the inside and the outside.

Then you won't- You won't be painting the lawn.

- Carol, who's our dental supply salesman? - Mort Gelatly.

You gotta tell him to stop sending these dumb samples.

First it was paper toothbrushes, then it was electric toothpaste, and now this.

Here's, uh, flavored dental floss.

Hold it a minuteJerry.

Let's go back to electric toothpaste. What is that?

I don't know. I was afraid to plug it in.

People are making orthodontia into a joke.

Oh, well, I'll tell Mort when he brings your tooth fairy t-shirts.

Yeah, and check on my Bugs Bunny drill bits.

- Morning. - Hi, Bob.

- Any messages, Carol? - Yeah, Bob. Your mom called.

She wanted to know what color you wanted your old room painted.

I don't care.

- She was thinking of yellow. - I hate yellow.

- My room was blue. - Mine was pink.

Mine was yellow.

She said that when the painters were moving your little bed...

they found a paperback book hidden under your little mattress.

I always wondered what happened to my Boy Scout manual.

Not that kind of a manual, Bob.

She'll bring it over tonight in a plain, brown wrapper.

What was it, Bob? /, the/my? Studs Lon/gum? The Ambo y Dukes?

Ow The Long-Legged Vixen?

I never read that stuffijerry.

Well, I-l may have skimmed it.

The Long-L egged Vixen- “Candles were lit.

“Slowly she walked towards me, her arms outstretched...

wearing only a smile.“ Whoo!

- I never read that stuff. - I did.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Vickers. - What's good about it?

My son's at it again.

Firing me from my own business was not enough.

He just took back my company car...

at a stoplight.

Maybe, uh- Maybe we better go in my office.

I used to have an office.

You know what was written on my office door?

“Edgar T. Vickers, President.“

Now it's just “Storage?

Would you like some hot coffee?

Now is no time to have coffee.

You're looking at a man whose son just had him...

thrown bodily into the gutter.

How about, uh- How about some tea?

Yeah- Forget the tea.

He was always a bad kid.

I had him by my second wife.

He was Rosemary's baby.

You know, Mr. Vickers, in the, uh-

In the three years you've been coming to see me...

you've, uh, you've told me some pretty incredible things...

about your son and the way he treats you.

- You're calling me a liar? - No, I just thought maybe you might be exaggerating...

when you said that he had six Dobermans attack you on your birthday.

I have the scar to prove it. What does that look like?

Vaccination.

Sure, but his clogs are trained to make it look like that.

Let's, uh- Let's just think about this, Mr. Vickers.

Oh, I have thought about it.

I'm going to get him before he gets me.

I'm going to his house right now.

Well, what if the dogs attack?

No problem. They're out having their teeth sharpened.

[Stammering] just remember, try to be nice.

Why? He doesn't appreciate it.

Never has.

When I gave him his college graduation present...

he hit me with it.

- What did you give him? - A Pontiac.

I hope you don't mind my making the dinner tonight, Emily.

Oh, you can cook whenever you want. It's a vacation for me.

Well, I wanted to make one of Sonny's favorites-

Fried hamburger patties.

- Sounds delicious. - And to add zest...

I melt a piece of American cheese on the top.

You don't serve it on a bun, do you, Mom?

Oh, he told you.

Bob and I don't keep those kind of secrets from each other.

Emily-

Do you think Sonny likes me?

Of course he likes you.

He loves you. You're his mother.

You know, I don't think I've ever truly made him happy.

Why, the first time he looked at me, he cried.

- Babies tend to do that, Mom. - Maybe so.

But since you brought up the subject of babies, Emily...

where are yours?

Well, we don't have any, Mom.

Well, I know that.

Who needs a grandchild?

Heaven knows I get enough pleasure...

- bouncing other people's grandchildren on my knee. - Oh.

Emily, do you have a tissue?

Aw, come on now, Mom.

You know, maybe in time Bob and I will- Well, we'll have a-

- Hi, honey. - Hi, dear.

- Oh. - What's, uh- What's wrong?

[Sniffs] Nothing.

And don't think I'm crying because you don't have any children.

How's the painting coming?

Well, Mom says they finally fixed their ladder...

and the paint is due any day now.

- Great. - Bob?

- Mom's fixing hamburgers for dinner. - Oh.

Yes, and beets.

L, uh-l don't like beets.

Yes, I know that, dear, but if you'd eaten your beets as a child...

you would have attained your full height.

I am my full height. I'm 5"I O”.

Your father's 5"I 1.

He was six feet before he shrunk.

That paint better come tomorrow.

- Easy there, big fella. - [ Phone Rings]

Oh, would somebody else get that?

I have to serve the dinner.

I'll get it.

- Make it quick. - Hello.

Oh, hi. Hi, Mr. Vickers.

Did- Did you have your talk with your son?

H-How'd it go?

“Swimmingly“? That's good.

He threw you in his pool.

How'd, uh- How'd the rest of the day go?

Shopping. Uh, for what?

A new suit and a silencer.

Yeah, I think we better talk about this at our next session.

Yeah, uh, good-bye.

Did Mr. Vickers's son really throw him in the pool?

I don't know. All I know is that they don't get along.

The boy obviously needs a good spanking.

Mom, the boy is my age.

Then you should talk to the boy.

The boy isn't my patient. I just can't ask him to come in and talk to him.

That's nonsense.

If Muhammad won't come to the mountain...

the mountain can go to the molehill.

You know, Bob, your mother's got something there.

Yeah, gibberish.

No, I mean if you really want to help Mr. Vickers, maybe you should talk to his son.

No question about it.

Look. I'm the psychologist. I'll handle it my way.

All right, Bob, be obstinate. I've always said honesty is the best policy.

Yeah, she said that just before you walked in.

As long as we're being honest, Mom, there's something I'd like to tell you.

L, uh, I always say, you know...

if you can't say something nice about a person...

say absolutely nothing.

- Oh, that's very good, Emily. - Thank you.

Now, Sonny, what were you going to say?

Uh, absolutely nothing.

- Pass the beets? - That's my good boy.

[Knocking]

- Mr. Vickers's son is here, Bob. - Oh.

Dr. Hartley.

I'm Edgar T. VickersJr.

Well, it's very nice of you to come by.

Well, when you phoned and said it had to do with Dad...

I rushed right over.

Now, uh, what seems to be the problem?

Well, I'm afraid we've, uh-

We've reached an impasse with your father's therapy.

How can I help? And, uh, be honest with me.

Well, he's, uh- He's told me some, uh...

some pretty incredible things.

For instance, he said that, uh...

you had six Doberman pinschers attack him. [Chuckles]

They were German shepherds.

And there were only three.

But they- They did attack him?

No, of course not.

My father climbed over the fence around my home...

and the dogs thought he was an intruder, and cornered him.

- But that won't happen again. - Good.

I've electrified the fence.

Uh, Mr. Vickers, let me be blunt.

Uh, did you throw your father in your swimming pool?

I don't know how these stories get started.

I brushed by him and he fell in.

Just a little poolside horseplay.

He, uh, he claims you-

You tried to hold him under the water.

Nonsense.

I was trying to get a grip on his hair...

so that I...

could pull him out.

That makes sense, doesn't it?

Maybe we ought to start from the beginning.

Uh, your college graduation-

Your father seems to intimate-

That Pontiac didn't have any brakes when he gave it to me...

and the man literally leaped in front of the car.

Well, I'm sure there's an explanation for everything.

What seems to bother your father most...

is that you fired him from his own business.

Why is he still upset about that?

Well, I guess he felt it was a little harsh.

Well, he didn't think it was harsh when he fired his father.

He- He never mentioned that.

No, he'sjust being modest.

Dad's a tough old bird. The first thing he taught me...

is there's no room for sentiment in the pesticide business.

I didn't know he was in that business.

He's not. He's out.

I'm in.

But I'm very grateful to him.

He made me what I am-

President and chairman of the board.

I've got to go feed something raw to my dogs.

Well, thanks- Thanks for your time.

Right.

Listen, uh-

Maybe sometime I could talk to you about a problem I'm having with my son.

Any time.

He's, uh, seven years old.

Last night, while I was in bed...

he came into my room...

and he hit me in the back of the neck with a hammer.

Well, I'm sure there was an explanation for that.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

He said, uh...

“Sorry, Dad. I thought you were asleep.“

Good night, Mom. See you in the morning.

Good night, dear, Brush your teeth.

I already did.

- Up and down? - Right.

I don't believe it. Those painters must be painting with Q-tips.

Oh, honey, for the amount of time she's been here, she's been very little trouble.

Emily, it is not natural to like your mother-in-law.

- How can I not like her? She's funny. - At whose expense?

- I can't help it. I like her. - I don't like your mother.

What?

Well, I mean, I, uh-

I-I like her, but, you know, she's not- Uh, she's not funny.

She thinks you're funny.

Well, she's- She's funny.

I must have been thinking of your father. He's not funny.

Oh, well, he doesn't like you either.

Yeah, then, uh, that's who I was thinking of.

Bob, come to bed.

Emily, that's not a bed. That's a bag full of doorknobs.

Well, we'll have our bed back soon.

She'll be leaving in a few days.

Emily, you miss the whole point.

She has got to stop treating me like a child.

Well, then don't tell me. Tell her.

- Just go up to her and say, “Mother“- - Shh!

Y an w am 'mt m heat gm?

Well, honey, either tell her or don't.

All right. I'll, uh- I'll tell her tomorrow.

- Take her out to lunch. - All right. Now come to bed.

You know, we had something like this in the army...

only we called it “the ground.“

- Good night, Bob. - Good night, Sarge.

Bob;

- Are you really tired? - Emily!

My mothefs in the house. Have a little respect.

- Hello, Carol. - Hi, Mrs. Hartley.

Oh, don't you look pretty?

Oh, yes, I suppose I do, for a woman living out of a suitcase.

I'm staying at Sonny's apartment.

Yes, Sonny mentioned that in passing.

Hi, Mrs. Hartley. The painters find their drop cloth yet?

Why, yes, they didJerry.

[Laughs]

That's one of those humorous t-shirts, isn't it?

You know, not many people would have the guts...

to wear a thing like that.

Well, kids seem to enjoy it.

Yes, I should think they would. it's so, uh, childish.

Perhaps you'll work on my grandchild's teeth...

when Sonny and Emily have their baby.

Uh, Mrs. Hartley, do you know something we don't know?

Well, I hope so. I'm a lot older than you.

What Carol means is, are Bob and Emily, uh-

Well, I don't know how, from what I've been able to hear.

- Hi, Mom. You ready for lunch? - Yes.

As soon as you wash your hands we can go.

Mom, why don't you go in the office?

- I want to have a little talkwith you. - All right.

Oh.jerry's going to work on the baby's teeth.

Now, Sonny, please don't close the door.

- Why not? - I won't be able to see your name.

You know, Mom, I think we really ought to have a little talk.

Oh, so do I.

You know, I'm not at all happy about the yellow I picked for your room.

It turned out much too canary.

Mom, I-l don't care.

Well, all right. It's your room. You'll have to live with it.

N-No, Mom, it isn't. I haven't lived in that room for 2O years.

Twenty-two years j une seven.

[Carol] Mr. Vickers, you can't go in there.

Vickers} Oh, shut up.

You had no right to talk to my son.

You went behind my back.

Well, I did it because I thought it was important.

He did it because I told him to do it.

Who is this buttinsky?

This, uh, buttinsky is my mother.

Oh. It's hereditary.

I have you to thank for my son's invitation...

to go over and have dinner with him tomorrow night.

What's wrong with that?

Well, the old poisoned food trick.

Well, the reason he invited you over was at my suggestion.

He'sjust trying to mend the fences.

Oh, well, he better turn offthejuice first.

Yeah, he- He promised he'd do that.

I don't trust him any farther than I could throw him.

You are an ungrateful, nasty old geezer.

- Who are you calling ungrateful? - You.

- Mom, if you don't mind- - I'll handle this, Sonny.

Now, your son is welcoming you to his home...

and you don't appreciate it.

Well, I've been staying with Sonny for two weeks...

and it's going just wonderfully, isn't it, Sonny?

Been a picnic.

So if you can't come halfway...

then you deserve to be old and alone.

Take it, Sonny.

Well, I think Mom pretty well summed it up.

All right, I'll go to dinner.

Madam, it's been a pleasure...

and I hopel never see you again.

So that's the way you make your living, Sonny.

It seems easy.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a piece of cake.

Thanks for your help, Mom.

You're welcome. I hope I didn't speak out of turn.

You? Never.

Good. Now sit down, dear.

What were we talking about...

before we were so rudely interrupted by that madman?

Uh, interfering in other people's lives.

Don't be silly. You've never interfered in my life.

- I didn't mean that. - Except once, in 1934.

Your father and I wanted to go to Yosemite...

but you came down with the croup.

I probably hadn't eaten enough beets.

And then we wanted to go again, but we couldn't afford it...

because we'd put up so much money for your education.

Ah, but it was worth it.

Now you're a successful psychologist...

with a lovely wife...

and no children.

- Hi, honey. I'm home. - Hi, darling.

- Any mail? - There's a postcard from your folks.

It was nice of you to send them to Yosemite.

Well, that's why I sent them- to be nice...

- and to get my bed back. - [Chuckles]

- They having a great time? - Uh, read the card.

“Dear Sonny and Emily,

“It's been raining for seven days...

“and there are too many people here.

“We should have come in 1934...

“but you had the croup.

“Ifthe painters aren't finished when we get back...

we'll sleep in the den.“

Bob? Where are you going?

To burn the den down.

[ Mews]