All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e11 - Over the River and Through the Woods

I thought your students were supposed
to make these Halloween masks.

They are. it's just a sample
for them to follow.

Well?

That's the Emily I married.

Maybe I could trim
the haira little, huh?

I wouldn't trim too much.
Don't forget, we have to go out tonight.

Hi, Bob!
Hi, Emily.

Hi, Howard.
Come on in.

Did I put one over on my ex-wife!

What, are you gonna
go back with her?

No, no, I get to keep little Howie
for the entire Thanksgiving vacation...

-while Lois and her husband go to Hawaii!
- Good going, Howard.

Yeah. All I have to do
is pay for the tickets.

- And she fell for that?
- Yeah.

See you later. I'm gonna
buy those tickets now...

so they won't be able to back out.

- See ya later, Howard.
- Uh, Emily, you better take care of yourself.

- [ Door Closes]
- Well, I guess it's a safe bet...

that Howie and Howard'll
be here for Thanksgiving.

Well, maybe they will, but we won't.
We'll be in Seattle.

Seattle?

Oh, yeah. But that, uh-
That wasn't a firm commitment, was it?

Of course it is, Bob.
My whole family's expecting us.

Emily, you know, uh, the holidays
are the roughest times for my patients.

I don't like to be
that far away from them.

Bob, you told me we could be
in Seattle for Thanksgiving.

Yeah, I know, but I-You know, I didn't
know you meant this Thanksgiving.

Don't play cute with me, Bob.

- [Knocking]
- I got it.

How about if I bring
Howie over for Thanksgiving?

Well, uh, Howard, we, uh-
we may be in Seattle.

Uh, we will be in Seattle.

I don't thinkl could
take Howie that far.

Why don't you cook Thanksgiving dinner
for Howie in your apartment?

[Sighs]
Well, I, uh-l guess I could do that.

I have to, uh,
hook up my stove, though.

Well, see you.

Door Closes 1

What do you want?
Do you want me to call my parents...

and tell them we're
not coming to Seattle?

Well, if you don't
want to go-

[Laughing]
Bob!

I do want to go. I don't
want to disappoint 37 people.

I didn't know you had
that many relatives.

You'll meet 'em all
at the square dance.

Thirty-seven people
square dancing in an apartment?

I mean, the guy with the fiddle
will have to stand in the sink.

No, we have the square dance
when we get to my uncle's barn.

- Great.
- After the hayride.

Hayride? You're talking
about a King Family special.

Uh-uh, Bob.
The King Family...

doesn't go down to Puget Sound
and skip stones.

- But we do.
- Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]
Oh, boy. I can hardly wait.

Did you do something to your hair?

- I trimmed it a little.
- Ah! Thought something was different.

I don't know, Dr. Hartley.
I just hate the holidays. [Sighs]

Halloween was rough, huh?

Really the dregs. Nobody came
to trick or treat all night.

I had special treats made up, too.
Here. Have a butter dish.

I wish Emily and I
had thought about that.

We gave out candy.

A butter dish is forever.

Why don't ya read it?

“Happy Halloween, kid.
Elliot Carlin. Boo.“

I'm stuck with four dozen of'em.

Boy, I hate Halloween.
Thanksgiving's next.

- Gonna hate that too.
- Well, you will, with that attitude.

I'm not worried about my attitude.
That's your problem.

I might not be here
over Thanksgiving.

- What?
- I may have to fly to Seattle.

You can't leave me alone
over the holidays.

Uh, Mr. Carlin,you'll be all right.

- Do you want a butter dish?
- Sure.

Take his.

Look, Mr. Carlin, ifit means
that much to you, I'll only be away a day.

- What day?
- Thanksgiving day.

That's the one day I need you.

- You're still gonna go, aren't you, Bob?
- Yeah.

He just makes me,
you know, feel guilty.

Guilty, huh? Maybe you ought
to see a shrink about that.

Wish I knew of a good one.
[Chuckling]

Oh, Bob. I'll be
leaving for the day now.

- So?
- My butter dish?

Thanks, Bob.

Hello, Carol. Say, Bob.

- You want to take a chance on a turkey?
- What's wrong with it?

The orphanage I grew up in
is raffling off this turkey.

- So how many tickets you want?
- Nonejerry. I'm gonna be in Seattle.

The orphans, Bob, are not
gonna be in Seattle.

It's only a dollar.
One lousy dollar?

For orphans?
Orphans, Bob.

- All right, I'll take one chanceJerry.
- Take five chances, Bob.

- Five bucks, you can pay me later.
- Five?

- Mmm, okay.
- Why don't you make it ten?

- Five. - Do you know what
Thanksgiving is like in an orphanage?

- No.
- You know what they have to eat? Meat loaf.

That's because
you're raffling off their turkey.

You know, maybe the cook'll mold
a meat loaf in the shape of a turkey...

but it's not gonna fool
those little ragamuffins, Bob. [Sobbing]

- All right, ten chancesJerry.
- You'll never regret it, Bob!

Elaine, how about taking
a chance on a turkey?

No thanksJerry.
I don't want to go out with you.

- Hi.
- Hi, dear.

Emily, I want to talk
to you about something.

You want to talk
about Seattle, don't you, Bob?

[Chuckles]
Emily, nothing could be further from my mind.

I just wanted to talk about
our plans for Thanksgiving.

Well, my plans are to go to Seattle.

Emily, uh, sit down.

Good.

When I decided to enter
the field of psychological-

Mumbojumbo?

I was gonna say, “endeavor?

I had to take an oath, and part
of that oath dealt with...

the responsibility of a psychologist
to his patients.

And, during my 15-year career, I've, uh-

I've tried to, uh, uphold
that responsibility.

You don't have to go
if you don't want to.

Well, see, Emily, it isn't that
I don't want to go, I can't go.

- I have this responsibility to uphold.
- You don't have to go, Bob.

I knew you were gonna pick up
the tickets tomorrow...

and that's why I wanted
to talk to you tonight.

[Chuckling]
Bob, I said you don't have to go.

- Really?
- Really.

Great!

Well, then, why don't
you call your dad, and, uh-

you know, tell him
we won't be coming.

Tell him we won't be there because,
uh, you're gonna be sick.

Well, I'll tell him when I get there,
because I'm going to Seattle.

You, uh- You mean
you'd go without me?

That's right, Bob.

- Well, what am I supposed to do here?
- Uphold your responsibility?

E-Emily, you can't go.
You forgot about something.

- You're afraid to fly.
- Oh, I'll manage.

You know, we're talking
about airplanes here. Not a tall bus.

Well, I'll just have to
make it without you, Bob.

- You're so calm.
- There's no point in arguing.

You've made up your mind,
and I've made up mine.

Well, then- Then it's settled.

- No hard feelings?
- No hard feelings.

Well, now that it's all settled,
Bob, tell me the truth.

- You really didn't want to go, did you?
- Areyou kidding?

Skipping stones across Puget Sound?

Hi, Bob. Emily's flight
get of fall right?

- Sure. No problem.
- She really got on that plane by herself, huh?

Yeah. All the way up the ramp,
I could hear her muttering...

“Tall bus. Tall bus.“

Bob, what are you gonna do
for Thanksgiving?

I have plenty of
responsibilities to uphold.

You know, uh- We take an oath.

Oh, I know, Bob. “Through wind
and rain and snow and sleet.“

All that mumbojumbo.
[Laughing]

- Hi, Elliot.
- Bring us some coffee, will you, Carol?

- And hold all Bob's calls.
- Check.

When you're finished,
take the rest of the day off.

Fine, Elliot. When can
we speak about my raise?

Later, Carol. I'm busy now.

Dr. Hartley, you know that expression,
“Patient, heal thyself.“

I think that's, “Physician, heal thyself.”

- Don't screw me up.
- Sit down. I'm sorry.

Well, I've decided to follow that advice.
I've decided to, uh, “heal myself.“

- How are you gonna do that?
- Stay awake between now and Thanksgiving...

and then I'll be so exhausted,
I'll sleep right through it.

Good plan.

Think I may do that
for all the holidays.

Only one that worries me is Lent.

Anyway, what it
all boils down to is...

I don't need you over Thanksgiving-
so, I'll see ya.

Wait! Wait a minute,
Mr. Carlin. I, uh-

I gave up a trip with Emily
sol could stay here and helpyou.

Tough. I didn't askyou to do it.

- You begged me to do it.
- Can't you tell when a guy's kidding?

Mr. Carlin, I can't get a flight to Seattle.
Everything is booked.

- [ Sighs]
- Hiya, Robinson. How are the choppers?

Good, Carlin. How's your head?

You're a lucky man, Bob.
You won yourself a bird.

Jerry, this looks like you got it
offa ledge outside the building.

- What are you doin' tomorrow?
- What can I do? I'm trapped in Chicago.

Why don't I come over to your apartment,
and, uh, we'll have dinner together?

I don't think we have
enough food for two,jerry.

I'll come over, we'll watch a couple of
football games, and go out to dinner.

- I'll see you about 9:30 in the morning.
- Wait. Why 9:30?

I don't care if I miss the early games,
but I want to see William 8< Mary.

- That's my alma mater.
- Which one? Mary?

You're a very sick man, Carlin.

Dr. Hartley, I'm not coming to your
house for Thanksgiving if Robinson shows up.

Doorbell Buzzes 1

- Who is it?
- [jar/y] Give me a "W?

\K1W“' _ G. _ Ive
177E' 3n I( , My

£1
'R m?

“Wm."

William 8< Mary, Bob. Come on, let's get
the set on. We could be behind already.

Game's on,jerry.
But they're still in halftime.

Oh, yeah. I see they're doin'
their salute to Thanksgiving.

Look at that. The band
is forming cranberry sauce.

What's in the jug, J erry?

In thejug here, Bob,
is cider and vodka.

Actually, it's vodka and cider.

See, at William 8< Mary,
we take a slug of this...

every time the opposition scores.

Ajug like this will get us
through a 62-nothing drubbing.

- What's the score now?
- 38-6.

- Who's winning?
- Here's a glass.

[Groans]
What are ya cookin'?

- Pancake.
- Kind ofan unusual color for a pancake: black.

It isn't the same when
Emily isn't here.

On Thanksgiving, she gets up, she makes
me a pancake- hers are nice and fluffy-

Here I am, frying a Frisbee.

Take a slug of this,
Bob, it won't matter.

Doorbell Buzzes 1

- That's murder.
- That was the doorbell.

Thank God.

I'll get it.

Give me a “W“!

-- Whoo-hoo!

- Hi, Mr. Carlin.
- Here. I brought you a present.

You owe me 9.95.

I've never heard of this scotch:
Von Kruegefs?

Yeah, it's the real stuff.
I got it at Von Kruegefs Market.

“Von Kruegefs: the scotch
aged in Styrofoam kegs.“

Carlin, if we're gonna spend the whole day
together, might as well be friends.

Who asked you to stay all day?

- Uh,jerry's right, Mr. Carlin.
- Okay, okay.

- What do you wanna do?
- How 'bout football?

I don't think there's enough room in here.
We might bash our heads on the furniture.

I mean, on the television.
We can bet on the games.

- No, I-l don't want to bet.
- Who's playin'?

Well, let's see. There's William 8< Mary,
and, uh, Wake Forest.

Texas, Texas A8 00:14:17,655
Boy, they must have
a really big field.

- What are you doin', Bob?
- Calling Emily.

Uh, hello. Is this the,
uh, Harrison residence?

Who am I talking to, please?

Chester Alexander Harrison?

Do you have an Aunt Emily?

You have a niece, Emily.

Uh, how old are you, Chester?

You have a very high-pitched
voice for a man your age.

You're welcome.

Is Emily there?

They're skipping stones already, huh?

Yeah, I guess you're right. You gotta
get up early to get the good, flat ones.

Yeah, when she gets back,
just tell her her husband called, and uh-

And that he misses her very much.

Well, if you think that's too mushy,
put it in your own words.

Good-bye, Chester.

My Uncle Chester.

- I had an Uncle Chester.
- I never had anybody. I'm an orphan.

That explains it.

- Explains what?
- Why you don't have any parents.

- The worst Thanksgiving I ever had.
- I knew it was gonna be bad...

but I didn't know it was gonna be
this bad this early.

Give me another swig
of that, will ya?

Doorbell Buzzes 1

I'll get it.
I know one thing.

It can't be a neighbor
complaining about the noise.

Could you guys keep it down?

Howard, what are you doing home?
I thought you were with Howie.

Well, Lois and her husband
decided to take him with them.

Now Howie's in Maui.

I was planning on having him here.

I had the stove
hooked up and everything.

Got him some Von Krueger cereal.

- His favorite kind.
- You think that's bad...

William 8< Mary's into a two-jug game.
Give him a drink.

- Ah.Thank you.
- This is the pits!

You know you're at a bad party when Elliot
Carlin is the happiest man in the room.

I'll have to start the ball rolling.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Who's there?
- Who's there.

I don't know. Dol have
to come up with everything?

Slurred Singing

JM Ends]

Here's to Elliot!
He's the best.

Isn't he, Bobby, the best?

Well, I-l am not allowed
to say, but...

he ranks right up there.

I'm going up to the window.
I'll see you guys in a minute.

Bob?I think-l think
we should have something-

They say if you have a lot to drink
on an empty stomach...

- that you can get- get drunk!
- I don't believe that's true.

I think we should have
something to eat.

Well, I have a-
I have a turkey, but it's frozen.

- Yeah, well, we'll cook it!
- Knock, knock.

Mr. Carlin, will you get the door?

Okay. The first thing
we need is a roasting pan.

- First thing we need is an ice pick.
- [ Bangs]

Somebodys cooking a hat!

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

BOO!

Now, you're supposed
to say, “Boo who?“

That's just stupid. Then I suppose
you're gonna say, “Don't cry.“

I never thought of that.
That's good.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Don't cry.

How long will this take to cook?

Three days?

Ridiculous.
We can cook that in a half hour.

Just turn the oven up to 2,000 degrees.

It only goes up to 500.

Then, we'll use four ovens.

You know, we're never gonna
be able to cook this turkey.

- It's frozen solid.
- [ Banging]

Who's there?

- That's the turkey.
- That's the turkey who?

Don't cry.

I know. Why don't we send out
for some Chinese food?

Oh! I got the number of
a great little Chinese place.

- Let's call 'em!
- It's a laundry.

[Laughing]

I know, why don't we
send out for some “Pisa“?

Ha! Know what you said?
You said “Pisa.“

You wanted to say “pizza,“
but you said “Pisa,“ didn't he, Bobby?

- You said, “Pisa,“ Howard.
- [ Laughing]

Hello, is this-
Is this the “House of Hu“?

[Laughing]

I'd like to order-
order some Chinese food.

- What do you want?
- How-How-Howard wants “Pisa?

- [ Laughing]
- No, I don't. I want some Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Did you- Did you hear
what Howard wants?

U“. Mm Gm Gm Va“.

That's what I want too.
Dnjerry Robinson wants Moo Goo Gai Pan!

And more... Moo Goo-
Moo Goo Goo-

Did you hear what you said?
You said, “Moo Goo Goo Goo.“

Really! He said, “Moo Goo Goo Goo.“

That's right! You said,
“Moo Goo Goo Goo“!

- Maybe I'm ordering Chinese baby food.
- [ Laughs]

[Laughing]

Well, you better get
some paper-wrapped chicken.

- Wrap up a chicken! Next.
- [ Laughing]

I'll have the sweet-and-sour pork.

Make up your mind, Mr. Carlin.

Okay, I'll have the Moo Goo Gai Pan.

- More Moo Goo Cm Pa“.
- And same mmakv.!

- Rumaki!
- Uh, I'll have another Moo Goo Gai Pan.

More Goo to go!

My-My name is, uh-
is-is Bob Hartley.

It's in- It's in the book.

“Dur“ Bob Hartley.

“Du I'!

D-R, period.

- Thank you very much.
- [ Bangs]

Let's have good old Carlin tell some
of his good old knock-knockjokes.

- Yea h!
- [Knocking]

- Who's there?
- Emily.

Emily who?

Don't tell me the Chinese food's
here already.

- Hi, Bob!
- Hi, Emily! What's happenin'?

Well, I missed you so much,
I came back from Seattle early.

Where's the Chinese food?

I miss-l missed you too, Emily.

Oh!

And I'm sorry I ru- that I ruined your-
your trip to Seattle.

But I will be with you at Christmas.

Well, I told my parents
we'd be there for Christmas.

Fine.

Let's not lose sight
of the fact that...

the holidays are the worst time
of the year for a psychologist.

Bob, I think I'll
make you some coffee.

- I love coffee.
- I love tea.

[Quoting Lyric]

Why don't you make your own coffee?
I think I'll have a drink.

I can't believe you guys
drank that much.

It was the worst defeat
in William 8< Mary's history.

- I don't understand what you mean by that.
- I don't either.

- Just stand still.
- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[Screaming]

It's the doorbell, Bob.
I'll get it.

Don't walk so hard!

- Who is it?
- [Man/fz'? Hui

- Who?
- That'; r/ght.

Delivery for“Dur“ Bob Hartley.

- [ Faintly] Hi.
- How ya doin', “Dur?”

That'll be 93.80.

- Bob, what did you order?
- He ordered everything.

We even ran out of Moo Goo Gai Pan.
There's only 12 quarts.

I'm gonna have to write you
a traveler's check. Okay?

Okay. You write the check, and I'll get somebody
to help me carry up the fortune cookies.

- [ Bell Ding; ]
- What's that clang?

The oven timer.
Bob, what's in the oven?

The turkey.

There's no turkey in the oven.

Emily, whatever you do,
don't look in the dishwasher.

[ Mews]