Original subtitles

I don't know, Dr. Hartley.

I just get the feeling a lot of people think I'm boring.

[Yawning] I don't know why you'd say that, Mr. Carlin.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's a little early for me. The streetlights are still on.

I asked for this early appointment sol could try out my interesting conversation.

Then if it works, I can use it for the rest of the clay.

- It's been very interesting. - I haven't said it yet.

Sayit, quick.

All right. Here it is.

I started to memorize the mileage between the major cities.

Mr. Carlin, l-l'm afraid our time is up.

Wait a minute. Don't you want to know how far it is between New York and Baltimore?

Why don't we save that for the next session?

We can start it off with a bang.

Okay. I'll see you at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

Uh, Mr. Carlin, I'll be in my bed at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

Okay. I'll come over to your house.

Oh, mercy. I really didn't expect a crowd.

Hiya.

- You know, it's 200 miles from Baltimore to New York? - Really?

- That's very interesting. - I know.Tell him.

Carol, is- is that you?

Wait till you see me at 9:00. I'll look beautiful.

HOW?

Good morning, Bob. Hi, beautiful.

Carol, when you get that hardware out of your hair...

would you get us tee time at the golf course- 1 :00?

Jerry, I'm not even on duty yet. This is my fun time.

Frank, you want to come down to my office, get your coffee?

No, thanksJerry. I'm gonna talk to Bob for a minute. See you on the links.

- 7:00. - Bring money.

- You know, Frank, I don't know how you do it. - What's that, Bob?

We're both psychologists, and you have so much more free time than I do.

Free time? Are you kidding?

I'm lucky if I get to play golf four times a week.

I'm lucky if I have time to have lunch four times a week.

That's because you keep strange and odd hours.

Well, I have strange and odd people.

Uh, Carol, what are his appointments for today?

Uh, 10:30, 1245,3215, 6220...

and 10:00 tonight.

- Who's 10:00 tonight? - Your Fear of Darkness group.

That schedule stinks, Bob. You're letting your patients call your shots.

Step into your office. I'd like to talk to you.

- Would you like a cup of coffee? - Oh, don't go to any trouble.

I'll just have a small glass of champagne and a couple of strawberries.

- What? - Run out and get a bottle of champagne.

- What year? - Right now!

I guess when you're good, you can work in any surroundings.

What do you mean, Frank?

Well, same old office, same old tweed stuff.

- Well, it's still quite serviceable. - Whatever works for you.

Well, like you said, Frank, I must be good.

Darn right you're good.

Some of your old patients that have come over to me thinkyou're tops.

What do you want, Frank?

I think it's time that we formed a partnership.

Are you serious?

I know you're surprised and flattered, Bob, and you should be.

But, in my small way, I need you too.

I'm getting very busy, and I think that your style complements mine perfectly.

You're a good, old-fashioned shrink. I'm polished and sophisticated.

Frank, I'm not exactly a bumpkin, you know.

I mean, some people consider me, uh, sophisticated.

$1.09, Bob.

- $1.09? - Yeah, everything's going up.

- Where are the strawberries? - Couldn't find any.

Oh, that's all right.

They wouldn't go very well with this particular, uh, vintage.

- Got any Beer Nuts? - I'll check.

I can't believe it, Bob.

Yeah, ne- neither can I. I remember when that was 89 cents.

- [ Flattering] - Bob?

How come you're home so late?

Oh, I had to walk my Fear of Darkness group to the bus stop.

And then- then I went to get my car, and the office garage was locked...

sol had to get the building superintendent up out of bed.

Then I felt hungry, but all the restaurants were closed.

The only one that was open was a fish and chips place, and all they had were chips.

- What'd you do tonight? - Oh, the usual.

I went to the palace ball.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

But I lost a glass slipper on the way home.

Well, it'll probably turn up in the morning.

Bob, when is this gonna end?

I'm getting awfully tired of having dinner for two alone.

- What did we have tonight? - Liver and onions.

Emily, if I had been home, you would have had dinner alone.

Honey, why do you have to work these ridiculous hours?

I'm sorry.

It's my job. You know, it comes with the territory.

Well, sometimes I wish you could pick another territory.

What would you think if I went into partnership with FrankWalburn?

You and Frank Walburn? Why?

Well, we kind of complement each other.

You know, I'm tweedy, he's suede.

He's dashing, I'm, um...

moderately dashing.

- Well, would it give you more free time? - Yeah.

- Well, then do it. - It's certainly something to think about.

Yeah.

You know what else you should think about, Bob?

Taking what's left of the valet and sticking it in the closet.

[Rings]

Hello. Hi, Mr. Peterson. Wh-What's wrong?

Yeah, I know you're going on a cruise tomorrow.

The ship won't sink.

Don't worry, Mr. Peterson. You won't end up down there.

And from what I understand, it isn't a locker anyway.

No, I really couldn't go along with you.

What time are you leaving?

I'll-I'll call you then.

Right. Good-bye.

Yo-ho-ho to you too.

What time are you gonna call him?

- Six bells. - That sounds awfully early.

That's all right. I'll be up anyway. Mr. Carlin might drop by.

Bob, you know, I'd really like to see you sometime.

Yeah, me too.

All right. That settles it. I'm gonna call FrankWalburn.

Bob, you know, I've been thinking.

Maybe Frank is a little too slick for you, too much of a playboy.

Emily, he's a solid, down-to-earth guy.

He's a terrific psychologist.

I mean, that playboy image is just a big front.

He- Hello.

Is Dr. FrankWalburn home?

L-I see.

D-Do you happen to have the number of Mr. Hefner's mansion?

Yeah, well, that's what I heard.

Oh, uh, but remember, you didn't hear anything from me.

And don't tell anybody.

- Carol, what's going on? - Nothing.

- ReallyJerry. Nothing. - Okay.

Jerry, please, don't make me tell you.

- I won't. - Okay, but I can only tell you this much.

You don't have to tell me anything.

Bob and Frank are gonna be partners.

- Is that right? - Don't pump meJerry. That's all I can say.

They're out at lunch drawing up the agreement now.

They've leased offices on the 1 Oth floor, and they're planning an open house a week from today.

- I already bought my dress. - Who else have you told?

What do you take me for, a gossip?

This is a secretjerry.

So when Bob tells you, act surprised.

I guess this means that Bob's office will be vacant.

As of the 17th. But you didn't hear it from me.

Carol, remind me never to tell you anything about my personal life.

You have a personal life?

- Hi, Carol. Hijerry. - You're kidding!

I mean it,jerry- Hi.

Well, Bob, tell them.

Carol andjerry, I know you'll be surprised, but-

Bob, I just want you to know...

that this is a time both of sorrow and gladness for all of us.

Gladness for you and the decision which you have reached...

and sorrow for those of us who are losing you...

after working alongside you for these five wonderful years.

We've watched you grow from a groping, bumbling novice...

into a skilled and semi-successful member of your chosen profession.

Go, Bob, with our blessings and our good wishes.

Frank and I are gonna be partners.

Gotta go and get my movers straight.

[Chuckling] Well, knock me over with a feather!

- When did all this happen? - Today at lunch.

- Oh, isn't that wonderful? - It's not official yet, so put a lid on it.

Oh, it won't leave this floor.

Hey! There they are, the new partners!

Congratulations, my friends.

I speak for all of us in Building Maintenance...

from the furnace guys to the gang up in roof repair.

When we heard the news, we were so happy...

we decided to celebrate and not come in tomorrow.

I leave the broom closet open.

Well, there they are- the partners in crime.

Now I got two shrinks takin' my money.

Where were you when you heard this, Mr. Carlin?

A little Chinese restaurant over on Wells Street.

Wow. “A psychological corporation,“ Bob. This is really big time.

Yeah, well, the door was sort of Frank's idea.

Well, looks like the whole room was sort of Frank's idea.

I don't see anything of yours here.

Don't you recognize the plant over there? That's mine.

Where's your old tweed chair?

It's in my office. Course, it's covered with Naugahyde.

Maybe the cleaners will get that out.

You know, I'd like to see a little more Hartley and a little less Walburn.

Even the pillows on the couch have “F.W.“ on them.

Well, Frank made those pillows.

His hobby is embroidering.

I hope it all works out. I just want you to be happy.

Hey, Bob. Where's Frank?

- He should be here any minute, Mr. Carlin. - Oh, hi, Emily.

Nice to see you here.

Is, uh, that your own glass, Mr. Carlin?

Yeah, it's pretty clever, huh? It's called a swinger glass.

Keeps your hands free for other things.

- Great invention. - Yeah. What'll they think of next?

- An ashtray hat? - [Chuckles]

- Hi, Carol. - Emily! Hi, Bob.

- Hi. Having fun? - Quite lovely.

Hmm. lfone could overlook that bunny...

you're trying to pass off as your secretary.

- Um, Kelly? - Kelly? Oh, how fresh and windblown.

She's- She's an excellent secretary, Carol.

Really? You pay her by the week, Bob, or by the cute?

Bob, I'd like you to meet your new secretary. This is Kelly.

- Yeah, we've met. - Hi, boss.

Isn't that cute?

Can I get you another drink?

- No. No, thanks. - I'd like another banana daiquiri.

[Chuckles] Isn't that cute?

Playyour cards right, there'll be a nice tip in it for you.

I'm starting to worry about Frank. He should be here by now.

Maybe he had a better party to go to.

Sometimes you lose track of time on youryacht.

Or maybe hejust sailed over the edge.

Ah, Bob!

Where do you want all this stuff from your office?

See, I thought I'd move that tomorrowJerry.

Yeah. I was just figuring I was coming up here anyway, and I'd save you the trip.

- Very thoughtful. - Look, as long as we're all here...

why don't a bunch of us see if we can squeeze my dental chair into your old office?

- Why don't we wait until tomorrowJerry? - Sure, sure. No hurry, Bob.

Oh, look- here are the letters from your door.

- Why don't you just put everything in my office? - Sure. Which one is yours?

- The one that says “ Bob.“ - Right. Could I use the phone in there?

- What's the matter with your phone? - It's disconnected already.

- Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late. - [Emily] H1; Frank.

Guess I sort of lost track of time on the yacht.

- That's what I figured. - Hey! Good food, good friends, good times.

What a great party. Well, I'm off again.

Kelly, call me a cab, please?

Where- Where are you going, Frank?

- Kansas City. - Kansas City, Kansas, or Kansas City, Missouri?

- What's the difference? - Nineteen miles.

Hey, Bob, you wouldn't know where I could get one of those ashtray hats, do you?

- I really don't know, Mr. Carlin. - Oh.

Frank, why do you have to go to Kansas City?

I just heard from the dean at K.C. State.

They're giving me an honorary degree tomorrow. It'll look great on the wall.

Well, that's the important thing.

- Yeah. You'll cover for me, won't you? - Sure.

Great. See you in a couple of days. Have fun, everybody!

Uh, Bob, I'll talk to you later about that plant. It's gotta go.

- Who was that? - Frank.

- Oh, you mean, of“Bob and Frank“? - That's right.

Nice guy. Moves fast.

Okay, the bubbly's here!

A gift for Bob and Frank.

Compliments of the unsung heroes in Building Maintenance.

One for Bob and one for Frank.

Uh, Frank isn't here.

Oh, well.

Then with your permission...

to a successful partnership.

- Hear! Hear! - Hear! Hear!

Eat, drink and be merry...

because in a half hour...

I've got to wax this floor.

Bob, what's wrong?

I don't know. I guess I'm just too tired to eat.

I don't wonder. You're treating your patients.

You're treating Frank's patients.

- You're doing the treating, he's doing the yachting. - I'm doing the billing too.

Bob, can you tell me something?

While you're doing all the work, what is Frank doing for you?

Well, he said he was gonna embroider a pillow with my initials on it.

You're kidding.

I'm surprised he found the time.

Guess his yacht is in for repairs.

Look, Emily, you know, it's a brand-new partnership. Things eventually even out.

I'm sure Martin and Lewis didn't hit it off right away.

You know, it takes time.

Hi! Hey, you guys want to hear some good news?

My brother's coming in town tomorrow.

- Which brother? - Gordon.

- The game warden? - Yeah, Warden Gordon Borden.

- Yeah, he's stopping by on his way to the Middle East. - Where in the Middle East?

Jordan.

It figures.

Gee, I thought it would be nice if we all had dinner together tomorrow night.

Oh, Howard, we're going out to dinner tomorrow night.

- We'll go with you. - Well, we're gonna play bridge at the Nugents'.

- We can play too. - It's kind of hard for six people to play bridge.

Oh, are the Nugents going to be there?

It's their house, Howard.

Yeah, but don't worry, Howard.

We'll get together with Warden Gordon Borden before he goes back tojordan.

- You making fun of my brother? - I'd never do that, Howard.

You'd better not.

Remember, your name's Bob.

And Bob rhymes with-

just better not make fun of him, that's all.

Uh, Emily, about the bridge game tomorrow night-

Don't tell me.

You've gotta cover for Frank because he's gonna receive an honorary doctorate...

from Honolulujunior College.

Emily, you are really off base, you know that?

It's not a junior college. it's a major university.

It's not an honorary doctorate. He's just dedicating a new wing.

Only thing you were right about was Honolulu.

Rob,job, snob, slob! Take your pick!

You're looking at a happy man, Bob.

[Yawning] Well, that makes me happy, Mr. Carlin.

Try to contain your glee.

I guess I haven't been getting very much rest.

Well, let me talk to Frank.

Frank isn't back from Honolulu yet.

Still 3,760 miles away, huh?

- As the crow flies, yeah. - You know, that mileage thing worked?

I got a girl.

You found a girl who likes you because you know mileages?

Yeah, she works for the auto club.

She's the one I always call for my information. She fell in love with my voice.

- Have you ever met her in person? - I'm meeting her tonight.

Exit 4 on the Illinois throughway.

We're gonna check the distance to Exit 7.

They say it's 36 miles, but we don't really believe that.

Well, how are you gonna recognize her if you've never met her?

She'll know who I am. I told her to look for a guy with an ashtray hat.

How you doin', Kelly?

- Guess what, Bob. - Frank's going to Guam.

No. He's in the city on his way to the office.

He should be here in a few minutes.

- But he'sjust passing through. - Well, you never know.

Can I get you a glass of champagne?

- You don't have anything like coffee around here? - Oh, I'm afraid not.

That's all right.

I'll just punch myself in the temple three or four times to stay awake.

Who is Frank's next patient?

Mrs. Chupnick.

Oh, she's that old woman that reads her own poetry through the whole session.

Yeah, and she likes the room to be about 9O degrees.

Well, that's a nice temperature to steam halibut.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Kelly. Holding down the old fort, eh?

- Hi, Frank. You got a nice tan. - Oh, thanks.

These are fromjack Lord's ranch.

- He wanted each of you to have one. - Oh! How nice!

Should I send in Mrs. Chupnick?

No. Why don't you have her read to you for a while?

- I want to talk to Frank. - Fine. I'd like to talk to you too, Bob.

Thanks for the pineapple!

Oh, look! It's autographed.

“Book 'em, murder one. McGarrett, 5-0.“

Isn't that cute?

I thought you were supposed to be here yesterday, Frank.

Sorry I stayed over, Bob...

but I couldn't very well turn down a dinner invitation from Brian Keith.

I know I never could.

That last night, sitting on the beach looking at the sunset...

I had time to think.

Frank, I haven't had time to think since we became partners.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

It's not working out for me.

For you?

Yeah, I can't do my job as long as you're here.

Frank, if I weren't here, nobody would be doing your job.

That's not true, Bob. I'd be doing my job.

But I don't have to do it because I know you're doing it, and that's making me feel lousy.

If it weren't for those sunsets and the luaus...

and the fabulous weather and those gorgeous native girls...

I would have had a rotten time in Hawaii.

Frank, I had a rotten time in Chicago, and that makes me feel lousy.

I really thought it was gonna work out...

but I've gotta be responsible for myself.

- I can't work with a partner. - Maybe we oughta talk about it.

Yeah, let's talk about it later. I'm really bushed.

Frank, let's talk about it now.

You know, about the office and Mrs. Chupnick.

Right. As soon as you're through with her, we'll talk about it.

- She's your patient. - Bob, give me a break.

All right, Frank. Take a break. You deserve it.

[Woman] “It yearns for smells of spring.

Excuse me, Mrs. Chupnick?

“Twas my love, bees and Easter bells...

that bloom and buzz and ring."

Excuse me, Mrs. Chupnick.

Shh! I'm reading to Kelly.

I'm sorry.

“Roses and chrysanthemums and hollyhocks abound!

“Good morning, Mr. Hummingbird!

I see you're back in town!"

- Emily, hi! - Hi, Carol.

Look, I bought this plant for Bob to replace the one that Frank threw out.

Don't kid yourself, Emily. Kelly killed that plant.

She “cuted“ it to death.

- Are things getting back to normal around here? - Getting there.

- Bob with any patient? - No, he hasn't been very busy today.

For some reason or another, he doesn't seem to feel like working.

- Oh! Well, maybe this plant will cheer him up. - Yeah.

You're one of the leading psychologists in Chicago?

- That's right. - Mm-hmm.

Are you, uh, starting a new kind of therapy?

I just tell my patients to get in touch with their feelings...

after every meal.

Oh, that's sweet.

[ Mews]