All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e09 - Who Is Mr. X

White.

See, uh, word association
is supposed to be immediate.

When I say “white,“
you're supposed to respond.

That's easy for you.
You got all the answers.

- Our time is up.
- Down.

- The session is over.
- Under.

- I think this game is really dumb.
-Smart.

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow, Mr. Carlin.

I hope we don't play
any more dumb games.

- Seven?
- Heaven.

- Hi.
- Low. [Stammers]

I'm sorry.
Uh, can I helpyou?

Well,you can if you're
Dr. Robert Hartley.

- That's who I am.
- Oh, well, good.

Uh, a colleague of yours, Dr. Frank Walburn,
suggested that I talk to you.

Yes, uh, Frank and I
are old friends.

We very often share,
uh, referrals.

Well, I guess I don't
have to tell you who I am.

Not if you
don't want to.

A lot of the patients who come to me
prefer to remain anonymous.

You don't understand.
I'm Ruth Corley.

- I have a television show.
- Oh!

- Oh, of course. R-Ruth Corley.
- Right.

- I just couldn't put the name
with the face, you know? - Right.

Very- Very often you'll see
someone on television...

and you can't remember which-
which show they're on.

Which-
Which show are you on?

The Ruth Corley Show.

Right. Right.
That's the one. Well.

I have some free time now, or would you
prefer to make an appointment?

I'm not a patient. I've come here to askyou
to be on my show tomorrow.

- Well, why- why me? - Dr. Walburn tells
me you're unsurpassed in your field.

Well, that's-
that's true, but even so.

Oh, please. I mean,you'd be
helping me out a great deal.

Well, as long as you
put it that way.

Oh, good.
Well, then I can pencil you in?

You can put it down in ink.
I'll definitely be there.

- Wonderful.
- Oh, my gosh! I know who you are!

- It's Ruth Corley.
- I just love your show.

Oh, well, thank you.
That's nice to hear.

Do you remember when you had Robert Redford
and George Segal on the same show?

They'rejust ordinary men.

I mean, believe me,
they put their pants on one leg at a time.

I believe you.
I'd just like a chance to see it for myself.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Carol.
Hi, Ruth!

You know, uh-
You know Ruth?

Are you kiddin'? She's a household face.
Only much prettier in person.

Television doesn't do
justice to your incisors.

- Beg your pardon?
- Uh,jerry's an orthodontist.

- Oh. Oh, really?
- How'd you like to have dinner with one tonight?

SmoothJer.

ThankyouJerry, but I'm having dinner
with Warren Beatty tonight.

I was supposed to have lunch with him,
but I canceled...

in order to askyou
to be on my show tomorrow.

So, uh,
Warren's free for lunch?

Well, uh,
then it's all set.

I'll expect you at the studio tomorrow
at 6:00 in the morning for makeup.

Well, there shouldn't be
any conflict at that hour.

I'll just cancel
Mr. Carlin.

Well, thank you so much,
Dr. Hartley.

It's just been wonderful
meeting all of you.

- Now, remember, that's 6:00. We go on the
air at 7:00. - The same time as Yogi Bear.

I know.
He's killing us in the ratings.

Boy, shrink talk at 7:00 in the morning.
What a great way to wake up.

Really turn on the toddlers too.
I can hear'em now.

Hey, Billy!
Put down that Pop-Tart!

Get Sis out of the playpen!
Here's a guy talkin' Gestalt.

[Laughs]

You're not really gonna talk
about Gestalt, are you, Bob?

No, I'm gonna
talk about the-

the overall effectiveness
of group therapy.

Oh, swell, That way, there'll be
something for everybody.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Oh, hello, Dr. Hartley.
- Hello, Mr. Peterson.

- You'll never guess who I saw in the lobby.
- Ruth Corley.

Boy, you really
do have insight.

- She- She was just here. - Bob's gonna
be on her show tomorrow morning.

Oh, that creates
a real problem for me.

Now I have to choose
between you and Yogi Bear.

That, uh-
That is a problem.

Yeah, I never miss Yogi.
Except for last Monday.

Uh, last Monday-
That's when, uh-

when Yogi and Boo Boo
broke into the ranger's cabin.

- Oh, no! - Yeah, and then when the
ranger got back to the cabin...

he found them-
[indistinct]

Chicago before dawn.
My kind of town.

It may be
a sleeping giant now...

but soon it will awaken to become
the crossroads of America.

Can it, Bob.

You know, Emily,
we ought to do this more often.

Why don't we get
a paper route?

You could be a little
more excited for me.

It isn't every day of the week I'm interviewed
by someone as famous as Ruth “Corman.“

[Yawning]
Corley.

I wonder what
she's gonna ask me.

Maybe I'll just launch
right into the, uh...

overall effectiveness
of, uh, group therapy.

Maybe not.

- Emily!
- Oh. Coming up, Bob.

Here you go.
Bacon and eggs.

Where-
Where are the eggs?

Give me a break,
will you, Bob?

[Clears Throat]

Emily, you know, there's something
I've never told you before.

L-I don't like raw bacon.

Emily,just-
just bring me some coffee.

You know, here's an interesting fact
about instant coffee.

Ifthe- the water's cold,
the crystals just float.

Wa key, wa key,
eggs and bakey!

- You got the wrong apartment, Howard.
- Hey, what are you guys doing up?

- I was supposed to wake you at 0400.
- That was an hour ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Mickey's left leg is a little slow.

Well, I'd better get going.
I have to get into makeup.

Makeup?
What kind of show you gonna do?

- The Ruth forleyS/vow
- You gonna be Ruth Corley?

-just watch the program, Howard, okay?
- [ Phone Rings]

Hello?

Uh, yes. Yes, driver.
I'm- I'm on my way down.

Wow, they sent a limousine
just like you were somebody!

Howard, that's a cab.

Wow, they sent a cab!

I ordered it myself
last night.

Wow, it's here already!

- So long, Howard.
- Uh, Bob, can I-can I have a piece of toast?

- Helpyourself.
- Thank you

[Yawns]

- Well, wish me luck.
- Good luck, Bob.

Channel 12, 7:00.

Howard 1
Is that raw bacon for me?

Good morning, Dr. Hartley.
Thank you for coming.

I hope it's not
too early for you.

No, I-l had to get up
to- to be on television.

Well, I'm glad
you're relaxed.

I'm a little nervous myself.
I mean, I've never interviewed a psychologist.

Well, don't worry about it.
We're ordinary men.

You know, one leg at a time.
[Laughs]

Well, if I start
to ramble a little...

or if I get into an area
I'm not conversant in...

you'll help me out,
won't you?

Don't worry about it.
If you get in trouble...

just turn it over to me,
and I'll wing it.

- [Man On Speaker] Ten seconds, Ruth.
- Thanks, Augie.

- You'll be fine.
- Here goes.

[Augie ]
Three, two- You're on.

Good morning.
It's 7:00, and I'm Ruth Corley.

My first guest is psychologist
Dr. Robert Hartley.

It's been said that
today's psychologist...

is nothing more that a con man,
a snake oil salesman...

flimflamming
innocent people...

peddling cures for everything
from nail-biting to a lousy love life.

And I agree.

We'll ask Dr. Hartley
to defend himself after this message.

[Clears Throat]
Was- Was that on the air?

Oh, thafsjust
what we call a “grabber?

You know, it keeps the audiences
from tuning out.

- [Augie] Ten seconds, Ruth.
- Thanks, Augie.

W-We won't be doing
any more grabbing, will we? [ Laughs]

No, no.
From now on, we'll just talk.

- [ Chuckles ]
- [A ugie ] Three, two- You 're on.

Dr. Hartley,
according to a recently published survey...

the average fee for a private session
with a psychologist is $40.

That's, uh-
That's about right.

“Right”?
I don't think it's right.

What other practitioner
gets $40 an hour?

Uh, my plumber.
[Laughs]

Plumbers guarantee their work.
Do you?

See, I-l don't understand
why, all of a sudden, you-

I asked you if you
guaranteed your work.

Well, I can't guarantee
that each and every person...

that walks through the door
is gonna be cured.

You mean you ask $40 an hour,
and you guarantee nothing?

L-I validate.

Is that your answer?

Could, uh- [ Clears Throat]
Could I have a word with you in private?

Chicago is waiting
for your answer.

Well, uh, Chi- Chicago...

uh, everyone who comes in
doesn't pay $40 an hour.

Do you ever cure anybody?

Well, I-l wouldn't-
I wouldn't say cure.

So your answer is no.

No, no.
My- My answer is not no.

Uh, I get results.

Many of my patients, uh, solve their problems
and- and go on to become successful.

- Successful at what?
- Uh, professional athletes...

uh, clergymen.

Um, some go on to head
large corporations.

Uh, one of my patients
is an elected official.

- A what?
- Uh, n-nothing.

Did you say
“an elected official“?

L-I might have.
I forget.

- Who is he?
- Well, I-l can't-l can't divulge his identity.

Why? There is a deranged man out there
in a position of power.

[Chuckles]
He- He isn't deranged...

a-a nym ore.

But he was when he
came to see you...

- and you said yourself that you
do not give guarantees. _ Ah_

After this message, we will meet
our choice for Woman of the Year...

Sister Mary Catherine.

[Augie]
Okay, we're into commercial.

“mks, Fume.

And thank you, Dr. Hartley.
You were terrific.

I mean,
I wish we had more time.

- We- We had plenty.
- Well, I really enjoyed it.

Yeah, you- you would have enjoyed
Pearl Harbor.

Good morning, Sister.
It's wonderful of you to come at this hour.

If, uh- lfl were you,
I wouldn't get into religion.

She'll-
She'll chew your legs off.

- Oh, hi,TV star.
- Hi.

Want some bacon?
It's cooked now.

Emily, let's cut out the small talk.
How, uh- How bad was it?

I slept through it.

I hope the whole city
slept through it.

The lady's a killer.
She's a- She's a barracuda.

She even got me to reveal that one of my
former patients was an elected official.

- That's awful. - She kept digging and
digging, trying to find out who it was.

- Bob, that's terrible.
- I know.

Who is it?

- Emily, drop it.
- [Knocking]

Okay, Bob,
who is he?

Howard, I am not telling you.
I'm not telling anybody.

- You can trust me, can't you?
- No.

Oh. Well, okay then.
Uh, tell you what.

Don't tell me his name.
just tell me, uh, let me see-

Howard,
Bob can't tell you.

I mean, he has his professional
ethics to consider.

Well, that woman on television
didn't seem to think so.

She really raked him
over the rocks, you know.

I've seen people fall
under pressure before, but hejust crumbled.

Wow! “El foldo“!

Howard.
[indistinct]

Oh, but, uh,
your makeup looked good.

Were those your own eyelashes
you were wearing?

Well, I've got to fly
to Washington today.

See you when
you get back, Howard.

That's, uh,
Washington, D.C., Bob.

Home of the Senate...

Congress, the cabinet.

Know anybody there?

- Good-bye, Howard.
- Right. Right.

Waita minute.
I got an idea.

Why don't we all
close our eyes, see?

And then the person who knows who he is can
say it out loud, and we won't know who said it.

Good-bye, Howard.

It's only just begun.
Everybody's gonna wanna know.

So why don't you
tell me who it is?

- [ Phone Ringing]
- Right.

Hello.

Yes, he's here.
Who's this?

Oh, yes.
just a minute.

Uh, Bob, it's for you.
It's the Channel 3 HappyNews team.

- The whole team?
- No, it's just Mitch the anchorman.

- He's in a very good mood.
- Yeah, that's his trademark.

Hello? H-Happy news day
to you too, Mitch.

What, uh-
What can I do for you?

No, I-l won't
tell you who he is.

No, I-l won't tell Skip,
the sports guy, who it is either.

Mr. whatever you wanna
call him, that's fine.

Good-bye.

- Bob, what are you gonna do? - What else
can I do? I'm gonna have to ride it out.

Gee, I really admire you
for that.

Well, better get
this makeup off.

- Yeah, you know, Bob, just stick to your guns.
- Right.

Bob, does his name rhyme
with “Missingefl?

Hi, Bob.

- Hi. Hi, Carol.
- Missed you on Ruth Coriey.

Oh.

I was, uh-
I was great.

I'm, uh, gonna go in my office.
No calls. No interruptions.

However, I did see you
on the morning news.

- The news?
- Yeah. They reran the whole interview.

- Wonderful.
- Bob, I just loved your little plumbers joke.

- So did Ruth Corley.
- And there was a call or two, Bob.

Chicago Tribune, Sun-Times...

Channel 7, Channel 2,
three radio stations...

and Sister Mary Catherine.

What did Sister Mary Catherine
want?

She wants to know if you'll
go 50-50 on a hit man.

- Dr. Hartley.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Peterson.

- Can I see you in your office?
- Sure. What is it?

Not here. In there.
Out of the glare of the public spotlight.

What, uh, seems to be
the problem, Mr. Peterson?

- I want my file.
- Why- Why would you want your file?

Well, it's my wife,
Dr. Hartley.

She saw you on television, and now she's
afraid of waking up one morning...

and finding things that we did behind
closed doors sensationalized in the tabloids.

That won't happen,
Mr. Peterson.

I can't take that chance,
and I can't go home without my file.

L- I don't thinkyour file
should leave the office.

I don't want
to have to get rough.

- Your files are right over here.
- Thanks.

You just saved yourself
a merciless beating.

I just wanna know
how long it will be...

before metropolitan Chicago
finds out I take a bath with a ducky.

A ducky? You take a bath
with a rubber ducky?

It's not rubber.
It's real.

- I suppose you want your file too, Mr. Carlin.
- That's right.

It's in the far cabinet.

I'm sorry, Dr. Hartley,
but I just can't trust you anymore.

I can't risk having the name
of Emil Peterson besmirched.

- This is good-bye, Dr. Hartley.
- Good-bye, Emil.

You sure you
have everything?

Everything up to 1970.
I'll come back for the rest.

Rats deserting
a sinking ship, huh, Bob?

I really can't
blame 'emJerry.

Maybe when this thing dies down,
they'll come back.

- Seen this article?
- No, I haven't.

“Shrink refuses
to name loony legislator.“

Really startin' to hit
the fan now, isn't it?

We all feel that way.
All the doctors in the building...

know what you must be goin' through,
and we'rejust sick about it.

We all had a meeting,
we talked it over, and the feeling is unanimous.

I appreciate that, j erry.

We want you out of the building
by the end of the week.

Emily, how many-
how many R's in “barracuda“?

What are you doing, Bob?

I'm, uh, sending an anonymous letter
to Ruth Corley.

Let me see.

Bob, if you wanna be anonymous,
don't use personalized stationery.

L-I wasn't gonna sign it.

Hi, Bob.
Hi, Emily.

- Hi, Howard.
- What's up?

I came over to see if you wanted
to get in this pool we got goin'.

Oh, Bob, you can't get in.
You already know the answer.

You guess who Mr. “X“ is, and you win
all kinds of money. It'll only cost you a dollar.

Who'd you pick, Howard?

Well, Bob didn't say it wasn't a woman,
sol picked Eleanor Roosevelt.

Eleanor Roosevelt is dead.

She is?

Well, it's only a dollar.

- [Knocking]
- I'll get it.

Come on, Bob.
Now, when are you gonna crack?

Never, Howard.

- Excuse me. ls Dr. Hartley in?
- Well, yes. He's right here.

- Hi, Bob.
- Uh, Congressman Avery.

Um, come on in.
I haven't seen you for a long time.

-I know.
-This is my wife, Emily.

- Oh, how do you do?
- Hello, how do you do?

This is our neighbor, Howard Borden.
This is, uh, Congressman Everett Avery.

- Hi.
- Congressman Avery.

- You're Mr. That-
- Howard.

It's okay, Bob. It's okay. I want it out
in the open. That's why I'm here.

Uh, won't you
please sit down.

Thanks. I, uh-
I can only staya minute.

Bob, you saw me through some rough times
a while ago. I want to return the favor.

You, uh- You really
don't have to do this.

No, Bob. You helped Elaine and me
through some very choppy marital waters.

Your husband taught Elaine and me
that we had to talk things out.

- How is Elaine?
- I don't know. I haven't spoken to her for years.

Wow! Mr.
I would have never guessed it was you.

- Why not?
- 'Cause I never heard of you.

Well, anyway, Bob...

I think it's important for people
to understand what you did for me.

So I'm releasing
a statement to the press.

Well, uh, Congressman,
you have your career to think of.

Bob, my, uh- my career
isn't nearly as important...

as being my own man,
telling the truth...

standing out there and letting people
know that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

It's a great feeling.
I call it honesty.

Wow! I mean, that was beautiful.
That was really beautiful.

Well, thanks.
I hope you remember that...

when you close those curtains
on Tuesday, November 4.

Well, I can't close my curtains.
My plants will die.

- Well, nice, uh- nice meeting you.
- Yeah, nice meeting you.

- Bob. Emily.
- Pleasure.

Uh, sir, did you know that
Eleanor Roosevelt passed away?

What?

Oh, you're surprised too.

She was a heck of a woman.

Congressman Avery.

- Well, Bob, it's- it's over.
- I hope so.

That was really
a decent thing for him to do.

Yeah, especially
since he's not the guy.

- He's not?
- Emily, that's all I'm saying.

Oh, well.

Well, that's okay.

Does his name rhyme
with “Stockefellef?

[ Mews]