Original subtitles

- Good morning, Carol. - H1; Bob.

How'd your receptionist banquet go?

Well, it was hardly a banquet, Bob.

just 12 girls getting together to get smashed...

and to give out this year's “Meenie.“

- “Meenie“? - Yeah the Menial A warn'.

I won.

- Congratulations. - Thank you, and well deserved.

I finished first in three menial categories. Best Coffee-

Really?

Of course, I'm the only receptionist in the building that still has to make coffee.

And don't think we don't appreciate it, Carol.

I also won in the Longest Time Without a Raise category.

And don't think we don't appreciate that.

So how about the other categories, like, you know, Typing, Dictation-

We don't have those categories.

Why- why clutter it up with stuff that isn't important?

- [ Laughs] - [Laughs]

Oh, the third category- which I swept, by the way-

was Thejuiciest Bit of Gossip. You wanna hear it?

Well, I guess I'm gonna hear it sooner or later.

Well,you know Linda Meyercroft, the nurse on the sixth floor?

- The one with the big- - Fake.

Well, that certainly explodes a myth.

- Doc, you got a minute? - Yeah sure, jar/y.

Come over here, and take a look at this. Open.

- What do you see? - A tongue.

No, Bob, just look at these teeth.

Uh, bite. That's right. Look at that bite, Bob.

Now chew. Look at the way those teeth mesh.

Now grind. Watch the molars, Bob.

See that? Perfect contact. [Chuckles]

Maybe we ought to check his hoovesJerry.

Isn't it unbelievable how good I am, Bob?

The- The whole town is buzzing about it,jerry.

Well, time for you to go out and face the world there, David.

Keep smiling. Remember, a smile is something that money can't buy.

Oh, wait a second. Here. Give this bill to your mother.

[ Sighs ] I just can't describe the way I feel when I dismiss a patient like that.

- How about richer? - You wouldn't understand, Carol.

I'm talking about pride.

I'm talking about accomplishment. Then money.

Which is first for you, Bob?

Oh, accomplishment.

It really makes me feel good, you know...

to see my patients becoming well-adjusted and happy.

Dr. Hartley, I've never been so depressed in my whole life.

What, uh- What happened, Mr. Carlin?

- I got wet. - I can see that, but how?

You know those fireboats down by the Chicago River?

I watched them test their hoses.

They work.

I hope your couch is Scotchgarded.

You've gotta be in it for the money.

Carol, see if you can scout up some dry clothes for Mr. Carlin...

and would you make some of your award-winning coffee?

Call Linda Meyercroft. Tell her I'll pick her up at 7:00 tonight.

- Linda Meyercroft? - Yeah, Bob, this could be the real thing.

I wouldn't count on it,jerry.

[Chuckles]

You think this is funny, huh?

Well, you-you have to admit, Mr. Carlin, it's a little comical.

I sat there before. Now that's comical.

Well, here we are- a shrink treating a guy in his underwear.

I think I've hit the real bottom this time.

Well, that's what, uh- that's what therapy is for.

I'm gettin' sick of therapy. I mean, when will it be finished?

Well, therapy begins at the beginning and it...

finishes at the end.

Brilliant.

You have to think of therapy as a-

as a train that goes from, uh-

from New York to Los Angeles.

Some people will get offin Philadelphia. Some people get offin St. Louis.

It's up to you to determine how faryou wanna come on the trip.

I'm still in Grand Central Station in my wet underwear.

Well, then you should to stay on the train.

- Nice pins, Elliot. - Thanks.

Oh, this is all I could find.

It belongs to Dr. Rudell.

- It's a little feminine, isn't it? - Not for her.

Well, I think it's the worst.

Oh, gee, Elliot. I don't know. It's not that bad.

With a blond wig, you'd look amazingly like Carol Channing.

Know what you were saying about the train before?

I don't care if we still are in Grand Central Station. I'm getting off.

Don't get offin New York dressed like that, Mr. Carlin.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

You wouldn't stand a chance.

- [Knocking] - Who is it?

- Me. - Come in.

lam in.

Hi. You all set for your dinner party?

Yeah, except for a couple of things.

I, uh, thought maybe you could, uh- you could help me out.

Sure. What do you need?

Well, I'm making veal parmigiana, and I forgot to pick something up at the market.

Howard, I don't have any veal.

That's okay. I'll just make the parmigiana thicker.

Nobody'll notice.

- What is parmigiana anyway? - Tomatoes and cheese.

Ah, I got that. Good. Uh, except for the cheese.

That's all right. I'll just, uh, fry up some tomatoes.

Oh, hi, Bob. Uh, come over as soon as you can.

Uh, we're gonna need the life of the party.

Howard, I don't, uh- don't really think I'm up to it tonight.

I was talking to Emily, but, uh, you're welcome to come if you like.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, dear.

We don't really have to go to that party tonight, do we?

Bob, we're gonna help Howard celebrate. He passed his written exam.

Well, I'm glad he finally learned to write.

Honey, he's gonna be a copilot soon.

- Whoopee. - Aren't you happy for him?

Thrilled. How was your day?

Terrific, Bob. I may be a vice principal.

Figures.

Honey, what's the matter with you?

I don't know. I guess I'm jealous.

Everybody seems to be accomplishing something except me.

Vice principal, copilot.

Evenjerry. He can make teeth as straight as kernels of corn on a cob.

I've worked with Mr. Carlin for six years. I haven't even seen his teeth.

- He never smiles. - Oh, honey, is that what you want to see? Teeth?

No, I want to see something happen.

I mean, I-l feel like I'm the engineer on a- on a train on a siding.

- I'm mean, it's not moving. - Oh, you know, I love trains.

When I was little, my father used to take me to the station.

We used to watch the cars go by, and I used to count them...

- and I used to wave to the man in the caboose. - Em-Em-Emily.

- The train was an analogy. - Oh, I'm sorry, Bob.

I mean, l-l'm not helping anybody, and I- and I don't know how to.

Well, you'rejust having an off day.

I'm having an off career.

Bob, listen to this, and see ifit makes any sense.

just don't worry about it.

“Just don't worry about it.“

Thank you, Emily. I'm cured.

Honey, if it's really bothering you, why don't you talk to another psychologist?

Maybe I will. Maybe I'll-

-I think I'll talk to Dr. Albert. - Who?

My old college professor. He was the greatest influence in my life.

- You think he'll rememberyou? - I don't even know if he's still alive.

Well, if he's not, he won't.

- Oh, Emily, something terrible happened. - What happened, Howard?

Well, I burned the tomatoes. You gotta help me out.

- Well, how can I helpyou? - Well, do you have an extra 35 TV dinners?

[Whispering] Uh, excuse me.

I'm looking for Dr. Eugene Albert.

[Loudly] You don't have to whisper here. This is the psychology library.

We have no rules. You do whatever you feel.

- [Whispering ] Well, I feel like whispering. - Then go with that.

[Normal Voice] Uh, thank you. I thinkl see him now.

Well, then go with him.

Uh, Dr. Albert?

Yes?

I'm- I'm Bob Hartley, a former student of yours.

Oh. my God!

I was-l was afraid you wouldn't remember me.

Wouldn't rememberyou? How could I forget you?

How are your three sons?

L- I don't have three sons.

What did you say your name was?

Uh, Bob Hartley. I was in the class of'52.

I sat in the back row. I had a brush haircut.

All of them had brush haircuts in '52.

Well, mine had a part in it.

Robert Hartley!

After all these years!

I feel wonderful.

L-I feel wonderful too.

' DO ya?

Excuse me, Dr, Albert, I've graded all your term papers.

I gave every one a

- Um, a “W“? - For “wonderful?

Thank you, Webb. Oh, this is Robert Hartley, one of my former students.

And this is Webb Franklyn, one of my present students.

Nice to meet you.

I feel wonderful meeting you.

Well, I'm-I'm sure I'll feel better in a few minutes.

Well, now, Robert, tell me. Why are you here?

Well, I, uh- I need your help.

Well, what's the matter? One of your sons in trouble?

No. No. I'm- I'm having some doubts about my work.

Oh, what line of work you in?

- I'm a psychologist. - Well, now that's right up my alley.

I know. That's why I came here. I need your advice.

I will tell you anything you want to know.

Well, I-l don't seem to be making any progress with my patients, and I don't know why.

Oh, I see.

Well, Robert, you see all these books here?

I've read every one of these books.

I've tried every kind of therapy.

I screamed before it was fashionable.

I've studied inkblots...

looked at mazes...

tried word associations.

I've had breakthroughs on mountaintops...

on seashores, in the back ofan old DeSoto.

I was much younger at that time.

That's another story. That's another story.

But I have tried it all.

And in the final count, it comes down to this.

After 45 years spent studying psychology...

I've come to one conclusion.

It's all a crock.

A what?

It's all a crock.

Is- Is that spelled with a “C“ or a “K“?

C- R-O-C- K.

- Crock. - You got it.

Uh, are you saying the work that we do doesn't help people?

It's all ajive, it's all a con, it's a put-on. It's a-

- Crock. - That's right. From its face.

Look, you sit in your office.

You get paid $35 an hour...

to listen to some poor slob spill his guts out...

and what do you do?

You say, “Uh-huh, uh-huh.“ You follow me?

Uh-huh.

Are you telling me that everything I've dedicated myself to...

for the past 2O years hasn't- hasn't been worthwhile?

There's only one thing worthwhile.

Golf.

Golf?

G-O-L-F. You wanna write that down?

No, I- I think I'll remember that.

- [ Bell Rings ] - Oh, that's the next class.

I'm demonstrating the techniques on the primal scream.

Would, uh, you like to sit in?

No, no, I don't really feel like screaming now.

I feel more like- like moaning.

Well, moaning's good too. It relieves the tensions.

It starts the blood running again. It really works.

- It does? - No, nothing works.

It's all a crock. Except golf.

Oh, it's been wonderful seeing you.

It's been wonderful seeing you, Doctor.

- You really mean that? - No.

Golf stinks.

Well, that isn't the answer.

Well, I could have told you that three days ago.

Bob, why don't you go back to work now?

Emily, as I was four-putting on the seventh hole, I made a decision.

Gonna get a new putter?

No, a decision about my life.

- Did you ever see Born Free? - Uh-uh.

It's about this couple that, uh, lives in Africa and they adopt this baby lion.

Oh, Bob, I don't think we have the room.

No, no, Emily. They raise it until it's full grown, and then they- they set it free.

Well, sure. It probably tore their couch to shreds.

You- You aren't very good at analogies, are you Emily?

Emily, I'm trying to compare the lions with my patients.

- I'm thinking of setting all 42 of'em free. - Why?

Well, because I think they should have the option of, uh-

of staying with me, knowing I might be a fraud...

or finding somebody else who might be a fraud.

Well, Bob, you know, I may not understand your analogies...

but I am your wife, and I do love you, and that's why I have to say this.

- What? - You're not a fraud.

- Thank you. - You're a jerk.

So is that Dr. What's-His-Crock.

Bob, you are a terrific psychologist, and whatever you do, it works.

You- You know what I do? Emily, you wanna see what I do?

I just want you to watch everything I do for the next few minutes...

and then I want you to tell me what you think.

Howard, Bob.

Hartley.

Your neighbor.

Yeah, uh, can you come over?

No, not for dinner, Howard.

Just come over, will you?

- [Knocking] - Emily, would you get that?

- Yeah. - Howard, I wanna talk to you as soon as you come over.

No, we're not having snacks either.

Sorry, I can't leave the phone. I'm on standby.

It's all right, Howard. Howard,just, uh, sit down.

What, uh- What'd I do now?

Nothing. I just, uh- just wondered how everything's going.

- Fantastic. - Uh-huh.

- Really fantastic. - Uh-huh.

Of course this standby thing kinda gets you once in a while.

- Ah. - You know what I mean.

Waiting makes you tense.

- Tense? - Yeah, exactly.

You never know if you're gonna fly or not.

You know, you can't take a drink...

can't make a date.

I feel like a piece of meat hanging on a hook waiting to be shipped off to the market.

- Ukx-'rxukx. - It's really frustrating, you know.

You never know where they're gonna send you. To London, Paris, Pittsburgh-

Well, Pittsburgh's kinda nice.

It's the not knowing that makes you crazy.

Uh-huh.

Of course, sometimes it's, uh...

kinda nice not knowing where you're going.

It's someplace new all the time, you know.

You go to cities you've never been to before,.

Adventure and mystery and chicks, lots of chicks.

[Laughs] I like that. You know what I mean?

- I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world. - Uh-huh.

You know, Bob, I feel great.

I feel really great. I was so depressed when I came in here. Now I feel-

- Wonderful. - Wonderful! Bob, you're the best.

You're the best! Now I can't wait for that phone to ring.

[Phone Rings]

Hello?

Yeah. I've been waiting foryour call.

Pitts bu rg h. Perfect! Perfect.

And that's what I do, Emily.

Thirty-five dollars an hour, eight hours a day.

What do you think?

I thinkyou ought to be arrested.

Don't tell me, Bob. You're getting ready for your fear-of-furniture group.

Jerry, have you ever seen Born Free?

I'll take a rain check on that, Bob...

but if you're ever gonna s h ow The 7'0 werfng inferno...

let me know, and I'll bring a date.

- Good nightjerry. - Good night, Bob.

Oh! Oh, sorry.

Bob, Mr. Peterson called. He doesn't want to be in a room with 42 people.

- Well, how many people would he like to be in a room with? - None.

[Sighs] All right. I'll call him on the phone.

Bob, are you sure you're doing the right thing?

Carol, I am not sure of anything anymore.

I just know I have to give my patients the option...

of staying with me or leaving me if they want.

Well, Bob, once they get in here...

they won't be able to leave, even if they want to.

- Excuse me. - Hi, Carol.

- Oh, hi, Elliot. - I brought your smock back. I had it cleaned.

- You didn't have to do that. - Yeah, I did. Awaiter spilled linguine all over it.

Must be havin' a big session in here tonight.

Lot of problems, lot of laughs.

It's not a session, Mr. Carlin. I just have something to say to all my patients.

Could you say it fast? I gotta get out of here.

Okay. All right, here it is.

I'm thinking of letting all my- my patients go.

What's the matter? Aren't we sick enough for you?

No, I- I just don't feel like I'm helping anybody anymore.

I feel like I'm- I'm taking your money.

What the hell, it's a write-off.

It's a write-off to you. To me, it's a crock.

Dr. Hartley, sit down.

You know, you and I go way back together.

Well, that's right, Mr. Carlin.

When I first started out, it was just you, me and the couch.

Yeah, we went through three upholsterings together.

And a Scotchgard.

When I first came to you, I, uh-

I was sulking, I was nasty, I never smiled.

And you still don't.

Yeah, but I'm workin' on it.

See?

- That's very good, Mr. Carlin. - You're darn right, it's good.

I'll tell you somethin' else. I got a date tonight.

Three years ago, I was afraid to call a girl on the phone...

but tonight I'm going out on a date.

Of course, I'll have a lousy time. But at least I won't be alone.

But Mr. Carlin, I-l feel you should have come further than that in six years.

- That's a crummy attitude. - Well, I-l can't help it.

I'm, uh- I'm really depressed.

Well, who cares how you feel? We're here to make me feel better.

- And I feel better. - Yeah, but- but I don't.

Well, who cares? And another thing.

If you're gonna call all your patients in just to tell us that you're bailing out on us...

we're gonna rip you to shreds.

We love you.

You- You mean you really feel what I do is- is worth something?

Yeah, it's worth 35 bucks an hour.

Some days you're worth 4O bucks an hour.

Well- Well, thank you, Mr. Carlin.

Today you're worth a buck and a half.

Well, that's better than nothing.

You know, I- I really feel-

I feel very close to you right now, Mr. Carlin.

I just- just felt like doing that.

- Dr. Hartley. - Yes?

Don't ever do that again.

- Hi. - Where have you been?

Oh, I went for a long walk in the park after school.

-I felt so lousy. - Uh-huh.

I'm not gonna be a vice principal, Bob.

- They're gonna bring in some hotshot guy from New Trier. - Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, yourself.

Bob, I really wanted this. I'm very disappointed.

Emily, sit down.

Now- now, maybe this will help.

Just try to think of education as a- as a train...

- that goes from New York to Los Angeles. - Uh-huh.

Some people get offin Des Moines. Some people get offin Wichita.

It's all a crock, isn't it, Bob?

[ Mews]