Original subtitles

- Hi, honey. - [ French Accent] Ah, Robert.

[Speaking French]

Same to you.

Isn't French the sexiest language?

- Yeah? What'd you say? - I said...

“Robert, I have a new pair of brown shoes.“

- How much did they cost? - Oh.

I'm brushing up on my French 'cause our guests are gonna be here tomorrow.

Well, I'm, uh, counting on them speaking English.

I mean, that's what the exchange program is all about.

You know, French psychologists coming here to America to observe our lifestyle.

Yeah, but don't you think they'd feel more at home if we spoke a little French?

What's, uh, French for“dust“?

- Why? - Well, I don't know. Nothing.

I just felt the place needed a little sprucing up here and there...

and... there.

Bob, they have dust in France.

Well, then they'll like it here.

What'd you buy me? Cleaning supplies?

No, no, it's something special for dinner tomorrow night.

I thought we'd take them out to a nice American restaurant.

Well, I thought we'd have a nice home-cooked American meal, like, uh...

duck Forange.

I even bought the Foranges.

What's American about that?

Well, Long Island duck, California oranges...

sea to shining sea.

Bob, it'd take hours to cook a duck. I mean, when am I gonna have the time?

After you dust and before you spruce.

Ban/our, everybody. Ban/our.

Where are the, uh- Where are the Frenchies?

- That's tomorrow, Howard. - Oh.

That's probably why you didn't understand when I said, “Bonjour; bonjour: ”

That means, uh, “Buenos zfias. ”

- Thanks. - Yeah. So are you all set for 'em?

Mm-hmm. As soon as I sterilize the apartment.

Yeah, well, you can't be too careful.

You know, uh-

You know, France is famous for its diseases.

They got German measles.

Hong Kong flu.

Right. lfthere's anyway I could make 'em welcome...

I'd be glad to have dinner with you and, uh, maybe I could-

Uh, Howard, we're going out to dinner.

We're, uh, having duck at home.

Well, uh, you two work it out. Either way, I'm free.

I'll tell you what. I'll go home and dress up to go out...

and, uh, if we stay here, uh, I'll pay.

Bob, why are you carrying on like this? I mean, it's so unlike you.

I'm sorry, Emily. I just, uh-

I guess I want to, you know, impress them.

They aren't exactly coming from across the street. They're coming all the way from Paris.

Well, I want everything to be perfect too. But I can't spend all day at school...

then come home and stand in front of a hot stove and cook a duck.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You wouldn't, uh-

wouldn't have enough time to dust.

- HLJerFy. How are you? - Hi, Bob.

Oh, uh, Carol, I have to work on my welcome speech...

for the psychologist seminar, so no interruptions.

If that's the speech I typed for you, get used to a lot of interruptions...

like snoring and booing. [Laughs]

Carol, all I need is a good opening joke.

You need a joke, Bob? I got a great one. Never misses.

- Seems there was this traveling salesman- -jerry, wait a minute.

How am I gonna tell a bunch of French psychologists a traveling salesmanjoke?

We'll fix it. We'll make him a traveling Peugeot salesman.

[indistinct] Peugeot salesman.

He's walking down the street. Make it the Champs-Elysees.

- Walkin' down the Champs-Elysées. - See you latenjerry.

Stops in this hamburgerjoint. No, make that a bouillabaisse place.

He reaches in his wallet, takes out 1 O bucks. No, make that 5O francs.

- [Knocking] - He says to the guy, “I'll bet you 50 francs"-

Uh, make that the Arc de Triomphe.

- Can I talk to you for a minute, Bob? - I said no interruptions.

I'm in trouble, Bob. I'm having a problem with Larry.

- Who? - My husband.

Oh, Larry.

He's acting so possessive lately he's driving me crazy.

I've gotta come up with a good opening joke.

Here's an example. Last week, we drove into a service station.

The attendant said, “Check your oil, lady?” And Larry hit him with the squeegee.

- He what? - He hit him with the squeegee.

Carol, that isn't even funny, especially for an opening joke.

It's not supposed to be funny, Bob. It really happened.

All we do lately is argue.

Oh, that reminds me. I have to call Emily.

Oh, sure. Sure, sure, Bob.

Call Emily. I'll go to the ladies' room and slash my wrists.

- Sorry. What were you saying? - There's gotta be a way...

to prove there's no reason to bejealous.

- How dol do it? - Uh, Tracy Grammar School. Principal's office, please.

- Can I borrow your razor, Bob? - Yeah, sure.

This won't work.

Yeah, I-l need batteries for it.

Uh, principaFs office?

Yeah, could I please talk to-to the principal?

Who-Who is this?

Billy?

What-What are you doing in the principaFs office?

Well, you shouldn't have done that.

Uh, do you know Mrs. Hartley?

Old lady Hartley, yeah.

Well, I don't care what you think of her, Billy. Would you please call her to the phone?

Forget it, Bob. I'll see you at my funeral.

Oh. Remind me I have to pick up my black suit at the cleaners.

I'll pick it up for you, Bob, and then I'll burn it.

- Thank you, Carol. That's very nice of you. - Surely.

Yeah, uh, Emily?

Listen, I-l know our guests are coming by cab...

but I thought it'd be very nice if you picked them up.

Well, I-l can't. I've got a million things to do.

Well, I have to wait for my suit to be picked up...

and I gotta come up with a good opening joke.

All right, so it's not a million things.

All right, we'll just have to- have to risk them coming by cab.

Oh, uh, Emily, when you get home, I left a note on the refrigerator.

Yeah, I-l wrote it with my finger.

It says, uh, “Dust me.“

Well, if you stand on top of the stove, you can see it.

Hello? Hello?

That looks much better, Bob.

I mean, where are they, Emily?

Their plane landed hours ago. We should've never let 'em take a cab.

Well, we didn't have a choice, Bob. You had to wait foryour cleaning to come back.

What if something may have happened to 'em? They could've been mugged or in an accident.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - That must be them. Why don't you get the door...

and I'll get the bandages?

- Uh, Dr. Hartley? - Dr. “Durochiay“?

Durocher. Like Leo.

- And this is Louise. - Like in- [ Quoting Lyrics]

Bonjour.

- And this is my wife, Emily. - 0h, ban/our.

- Oh. Um- [ Speaking French] - 0h, merci.

Emily, they don't wanna hear about your new shoes now.

Uh, I said, “Welcome to the United States,“ I think.

And it was said beautifully. You speak French well.

[Laughs] Oh.

Louise, she speaks English not at all.

Well, then it's a good thing some of us went to the trouble of learning a little French.

- Uh, Louise-[ French] - 0h, merci beaucoup.

- Louise? - Our?

- Le valise. - Oh.

- Let me help. - No, no. Louise can do it.

She's as strong as a dog.

- Well, could I, fix you a drink, Dr. Durocher? - Please.

- Is scotch all right? - Mara; Bob.

But please, no ice. I was warned not to drinkyour water.

You know, uh...

Montezuma's revenge?

- [Knocking] - Uh, that would be Mexico. Here itwould be, uh...

Warren G. Harding's revenge.

Excuse me, pal. Could I talk to somebody about this Monopoly money?

'Cause that guy tried to pay his cab fare with it.

They told me French traveler's checks were accepted everywhere.

Not in my cab, pal.

- Well, here. I'll take care of it. How much is it? - 29.40.

This gentleman was kind enough to give us a guided tour of the city of wind.

Very-Very thoughtful. Uh, here's, uh, 30...

and there's a dollar tip.

A whole dollar, huh?

Now I can send my kid to Harvard.

Thank you, Bob. And we'll pay for your cab when you come to Paris.

Well, uh, we promise we won't take the scenic trip.

Well, there's nothing really to see.

- AIJnPA/an- [ French] - Hmm?

Ah.

' [ French] ' [ French]

What-What was that all about?

We had no need to bring toilet paper. Louise was afraid you wouldn't have any.

Yes. We try to stay up on the latest fads.

You have all the conveniences. It's a lovely apartment.

Well, thank you. It could use a little- A little more cleaning.

- Well, here I am. - Emily.

- Yes? - I was just telling Bob how much I like your apartment.

- Oh, thank you. - And it looks very clean to me.

It is clean.

Aha. [ Laughs] Forgive me, uh...

but I sense you are angry with yourselves.

No. No, we're not.

[ Laughs] Come on, Bob.

I'm a psychologist. I can feel the- how we say- bad vibes.

Ifourvisit is difficult, perhaps we should stay at a hotel.

- Oh, no. Don't be silly. - No, no. You're staying right here.

But we cannot stay here while you are feeling stressed...

so please sit down and let's talk.

Please. [Clears Throat]

Bob.

Now, Bob- [Clears Throat]

A wife often complains about not getting enough consideration.

Louise- [ French]

[Clears Throat] And when strangers arrive...

it, uh, often puts a strain on the household.

- That can sometimes happen, no? - Yes.

Louise- [ French]

Emily, be honest.

You feel pressure on your chest over our visit, yes?

You see, I teach school, and, uh, well, there'sjust so much that I can do.

Aha. Now we're making progress.

- Let's have Louise make us some coffee. - Oh, I'll get it.

Emily, sit. Louise will do it.

Louise, le cafe, huh? Allez cuisine, Tout de suite.

- [ Sighs] - Alan, it's my kitchen. I know where everything is.

No, no. Louise can do it. Louise, le 6.22%'.

[ French]

[Laughs] Pardon.

' [ French] ' [ French]

- What's-What's happening? - Well, I think she's tired of being bossed around.

- [ Bangs] -[Shouting In French]

Let mejust get this out of the way.

It's a beautiful vase, Bob.

[Both Arguing In French]

What, uh- What'd he say?

Well, he either said, “Go to the den,“ or “Eat the doorknob.“

- [Shouting In French] - [ French]

- [ Crying] - [ Laughs] It was “Go to the den.“

Well, good, 'cause, you know, it wouldn't make any sense...

- to eat the- - Pardon.

- A whole week of this, Bob? - Yeah.

You- You did dust the den?

- Emily, what are you doing? - Getting ready for breakfast.

- I thought we'd have breakfast on the balcony. - Why?

Sort of like Paris in the spring.

Bob, this is Chicago in the winter.

- Yeah, we could eat inside. - Thank you.

I guess they settled their differences. I haven't heard anyyelling since 6:00 this morning.

6:25.

Well, I could never live with that woman.

What about that man? Did you hear the way he orders her around?

- Maybe he was just trying to get her to helpyou out. - Help me out?

He realized you were in trouble handling everything...

because you weren't prepared for theirvisit.

- Bob, when are you leaving for the seminar? - Soon.

Not soon enough.

- Good morning, Bob, Emily. - Good morning.

Ah. It looks nice enough to eat outside.

That's what I thought.

But it's nice in here too.

- How did you and Louise sleep? - Louise slept like firewood.

- Louise-[ French] - Ban/our, Emily.

- [ French] - No.

Uh, un 6.22%', Louise?

Oh, merci, Oui.

- Well, why don't we all have coffee? - Yeah.

- Well. - [ Chattering]

Uh, perhaps we can get some coffee on the way to work, huh?

Maybe we can find a nice outdoor café.

Couldn't be any colder there than it is in here.

[Knocking]

BOHSO/f, everybody. Bonsoir.

Later, Howard. Well, we'd better get going. We have a busy day.

Yes. I'm anxious to hearyour speech.

- Did you hear the one about the Peugeot salesman? - No.

He meets this friend of his on the Champs-Elysees.

- [ Door Closes] - Nice talking to you guys.

Ah.

So, uh, how do you like the weather in Chicago?

Oh. [ French]

[Crying]

Yeah, well, it is nice in the summer.

I'm not sure that French people will understand thatjoke about the Peugeot.

We all drive Buicks.

Well, here's the man who told it to me.

Jerry Robinson, this is Alan Durocher.

- Lafayette, we are here. - Uh-huh.

Tippecanoe and Tyler too.

It's a real pleasure to meet you.

You know they say that every man has two countries: his own and France.

That only leaves me with one.

- Right. - I don't know what you call them in France...

but, uh,jerry is what we call an orthodontist.

They're called Orthodontists.

That's one thing I noticed in Paris.

The French kids' teeth are beautiful.

That's because we put fluoride in the wine.

It was a pleasure to have met you. Liberia', égafifté and fi'atemx'té.

[Quoting Lyrics]

- [ Elevator Bell Dings] - Hi, Bob.

Oh, uh, Carol, I'd like you to meet Dr. Durocher. Carol Bondurant.

Hi. I mean, enchants'.

Hi.

- Could somebody talk to me about Larry? - Who?

- My husband, Mlijealous. - Uh, Carol, we're sort of on a tight schedule.

Bob, if this charming young woman is suffering from-[ French] we must help her.

- Yeah, but, Alan, we're kind of on a- - Come on, Bob.

What could be more important than liamour?

The schedule.

Without even knowing your problem, Carol- [ Clear Throat]

I can tell you this.

When it comes to women, all men arejealous.

And with a woman like you, it's easy to see why.

[ Laughs] Oh. Mercy.

I'll tell you something else.

Thejealous heart is a passionate heart.

Oh, wow. This guy's been there.

Well, it's pretty simplistic, isn't it, Alan?

They're newlyweds. it's just a phase they have to go through.

[Laughs] Bob, how amusing.

I must calmly beg to differ.

Jealousy is not a phase- it's a fact.

And there's only one way to deal with it.

You must give Larry something to bejeaious of right back in his face.

[Laughs]

That's-That's just ridiculous.

Bob, uh, the man is trying to make a point here.

Carol, the man is suggesting that you have an affair.

I'm not suggesting it- I'm recommending it.

Alan, you don't know what you're talking about.

Ah, but I do.

I was once in love with a terriblyjealous woman.

She was convinced I was unfaithful.

She accused me. We argued bitterly. And then she shot me.

Shooting someone is just the French way of saying...

“I thinkyou're special.“

What a charming custom.

That bullet convinced me of her love. That's why today she is my wife.

Well, I-l may be a little provincial...

but I really don't feel that the first step toward a meaningful relationship...

is assault with a deadly weapon.

I do agree with you on one thing. You are provincial.

Carol, would you mind stepping out forjust a few minutes?

- What'd I do? - I just-l wanna consult with Dr. Durocher.

Oh. Well, what's it gonna be?

Marriage and jealousy or /'.=s'fi'2s'x?"e and “la bullet”?

- Carol. - Right.

Where do you ever learn to tell a married woman that she should have an affair?

I made it up. She certainly didn't seem displeased.

Well, it certainly doesn't sound like anything lever learned when I was in school.

[Chuckles] Where did you go to school?

Loyola University.

Large deal. [Sniffs]

I was Valedictorian at the Sorbonne.

- The Sorbonne? - Hmm.

That's been overrated for years.

Yes, for almost a thousand years.

We could've ripped you to shreds in basketball.

- Hi, honey. - Oh, Bob, thank goodness you're home.

- Where's Alan? - Oh, he had to stay afterwards to pick up some kind of award.

- What award? - I don't know.

French Psychologist of the Year or something like that.

Where's, uh- Where's Louise?

Well, she's in the den on the phone talking to somebody in France.

Emily, you wouldn't know in French “Reverse the charges“?

Doorbell Buzzes 1

lfChicago were a truly international city, I wouldn't have to deal with boobs.

- Who are you calling a boob? - Him.

Oh, hey, what are the odds? What are the odds?

What, 6,000 cabs in Cook County, and I gotta pick up the French connection again?

- Eight and a quarter, pal. - Uh, I'm sure I have something to cover it, I think.

Yeah. Here you are. Here's $10.

- Thanks. Hey, Pierre? - Hmm?

You see this? Next time you come here, get yourself a bunch of these.

There will be no next time.

Well, I'll just have to live with that.

- Where is Louise? - Uh, she-she's in the den.

- [ French] Louise. - Oh. Oh, Alan looks mad.

- Emily, don't get involved. There could be gunplay. - What?

Well,just because she shot him once doesn't mean she's gonna shoot him again.

[ French]

- [ Crying] - Oh, Louise, please.

- Please. - [Speaking French, Crying Continue]

Bob, I don't have enough French to cover this.

- Hi, everybody. - [ Sobbing]

You, uh, still upset about the weather, huh?

- Not now, Howard. - That's it, Louise. [ French]

[ French] Finish.

We never should have come here. I'm sorry about this whole thing.

Oh, that's, uh- that's okay.

I'm sorry about the weather.

Louise is leaving me and going back to France alone.

Well, as long as she doesn't shoot you... again.

Again? What are you talking about?

Louise never shot me. My wife shot me.

You mean, Lou- Louise is not your wife?

Louise is my mistress. I never travel with my wife.

Uh, your mistress?

Gee, you could never tell from looking at her.

And still she cheats on me.

I caught her talking on the phone to her husband.

She-She should be shot.

Thank you for all your charmingness.

We leave. Au revoir.

[Crying] Aurevoir.

- Louise? - Our?

- Le valise. - Oh!

Oh.

Bob, Emily, next year, my place.

Yes, we're certainly looking forward to meeting your wife.

And-And her lover.

That would be nice.

Except they usually go to the Riviera at this time of year.

Bob. His mistress.

I mean, I never would've guessed.

[ Laughs] Emily, don't be so provincial.

I mean, this is the 1970s.

You know, Bob, I don't exactly consider myself a prude...

but, I mean, to tell you the truth, I was shocked.

I guess now wouldn't be a good time to call my mistress and have her come over for dinner?

Sure, invite her over.

I just hope she doesn't mind seeing the apartment so dusty.

She won't mind. Before I bought her the villa in Spain...

she used to live in a dump like this.

[ Mews]