Original subtitles

- Hi, Howard. - Hi, Howard.

Don't make any plans for tomorrow night. I'm taking you two to dinner.

- It's all arranged. - Isn't that nice, Emily?

Howard's gonna take us out for our anniversary.

- It's your anniversary? Great. Which one? - Our sixth.

- Yeah, iron. - Iron. Iron.

That's great. I only made it to cardboard.

- Cardboard? - Yeah. Two and a half years.

We gave gifts every six months. We knew we were in trouble.

Thanks anyway, but Bob and I would really like to spend our anniversary alone.

Wait a minute. You can't do that.

I need you to be with me.

Howard, I think I should be with Bob.

But you don't understand. I'm gonna ask Ellen to marry me, and I want you to be there.

In case she struggles?

Bob, I wanna marryyour sister, and I'm asking foryour blessing.

Go ahead, my son.

I need you there for moral support. I want you to tell me what to say.

- How about, “Will you marry me?“ - She'd never fall for that.

Howard, why don't you say what Bob said to me?

You know, I don't even remember what I said to you.

Oh, I do. You said, um...

“Dearest Emily, we've been together for over a year now...

and I'm very fond of you...

and I'd like us to spend the rest of our lives together.

Will you be my wife?“

You said yes to that?

Well, I'll try it. I just hope she says yes.

I've got the ring and everything.

- Oh, Howard, that's beautiful. - Very nice, Howard.

- Duke sure has great rings. - Duke? I've never heard of that store.

Well, it's not a store. It's a station wagon.

He doesn't have any overhead. That way, he can sell his rings cheaper.

- And hotter. - [ Laughs]

Well, Howard, I'm sure Ellen will love it.

So, uh, you'll be there, okay?

- Emily, look at that face. - A// right, Howard We '// be there.

Great! Be at Alfredo's at 8:00.

Now, let me see. “Dearest Emily...

- we've known each other for over a year now“- - Howard?

- Yeah? - Her name is Ellen.

Oh, yeah. “Dearest Ellen, we've known each other“-

All right, Bob. It's driving me crazy.

Where'd you hide my anniversary present?

- Uh, present? - Mm-hmm.

It's, um-

Yeah. In the car.

Yeah. In-In-In the car.

I'm, uh- I'm gonna run down and get it right now...

and I'll be back in, uh- in about an hour.

What do you think, Bob? When should I pop the question?

Why don't you wait until Ellen gets here?

I wish she'd hurry up. This ring is burning a hole in my pocket.

Coming from Duke's, I'm not surprised.

- Hi, everybody. Happy anniversary. - Thank you.

Dearest Ellen, we've known each other for over a year now-

Howard, why don't you let Ellen sit down first?

[Muttering]

Oh, wow! You look terrific!

[Emily] Thank you.

- Dearest Ellen- - Howard, guess what I just did.

I just interviewed Tony Esposito...

the hockey goalie, right in the locker room.

- In the locker room? - We've known each other for over a year-

Yes. I am the only woman reporter ever allowed in there.

- And I'm very fond of you- - You were in the locker room where the men get undressed?

- That's right. - And I'd like us to spend the rest of our lives-

- With a bunch of naked men? -The rest of our lives together.

- Uh, what? - Howard, why don't you take it from the top?

Dearest Ellen, we've known each other for over a year now-

Would we like cocktails before dinner?

Oh, sure. What are you having, honey?

- She'll have a Harvey Wallbanger, Harvey. - Right away.

- Dearest Ellen- - Do you know all the waiters here by name?

Yeah, I come here all the time. This is my lucky restaurant.

My wife divorced me here.

- Our first date was here. - Yeah, the end and the beginning.

- Anyway- - And that wonderful violinist...

played our song, “As Time Goes By.“

Yeah. Well, he's not here anymore.

- They fired him. - Why?

Well, that's the only song he knew.

Besides, he killed a guy.

But they got another. This one's even better.

Maybe I should have him play our favorite song.

That's it. That's it.

- Howard is really acting weird tonight. - Not for Howard.

- Hi, Bob, Emily. Hi, Ellen. - Hi, Carol.

- Boy, am I glad to see you guys. - Why? What's wrong?

See the guy at the door? I can't seem to shake him.

- Is he following you? - He's my date.

The guy's got the personality of a stop sign.

Well, uh, honey, what can we do?

- If the violinist were still here, we could have him killed. - Bob.

Bob- Bob, please,just let us have dinner with you.

- Of course you can have dinner with us. - Oh!

Yeah,just come on in, and we'll squeeze over.

Oh' Khawxky (m. Y tats-him'.!

Over here.

Go around, Fred.

Bob, Emily, Ellen, this is my date, Fred Goring.

- [All] Hi, Fred. - Say hello, Fred.

- Hello. - Sit, Fred.

How, uh- How are you, Fred?

Me? I'm-l'm fine too.

Uh, what business are you in, Fred?

- He's in office supplies. - Oh, really?

Gee, Fred, you remind me of someone.

Marcel Marceau?

- Would you like a drink? - Maybe a little arsenic and soda.

- How about you, Fred? - Same.

It's all set. He'll be right over.

Oh, hi, Carol. What are you doing here?

- I'm with Fred. - Oh, uh-

Do you, uh- Do you wanna change places?

No, thanks.

Well, I've got something important I want to say to Ellen.

What is it, Howard?

Uh, excuse me.

Dearest Ellen, we've known each other for-

- Howard, that's our song! - I know.

- ,','[Continues] - Dearest Ellen, we've known each other for-

- What? - I said, “We've known each other for over a year now“!

Hold it!

- Ellen, will you marry Howard? - What?

Will you marry the guy?

- Howard, was that what you were gonna ask me? - Yeah.

- Of course I'll marryyou. - Did you hear that?

- She's gonna marry me! Did you hear that? - I heard.

Howard, give her the ring.

Oh, yeah. Oh!

[Gasps]

Oh! [ Mutters]

- It's beautiful! - Thank you.

Play it again, Dick.

Happy anniversary, Bob.

[imitating Humprhey Bogart] Here's iookin' at you, kid.

Uh, Carol, you got any solvent that dissolves glue?

GeeJer, I usually carry a gallon, but I left it home today.

- What do you want it for? - It's really embarrassing.

My fingers are stuck together.

That's the dumbest thing I ever saw.

Some cement is murder. just give me something to pry 'em apart.

- Where's your letter opener? - Well, it's here someplace.

- Unless I left it home with my solvent. - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

- Hi. - Oh, the happy groom to be.

- Hey, Howard, congratulations. - Thanks.

It's really wonderful. I don't understand it...

but I guess you know what you're doing.

What don't you understand about it?

I don't understand why you're buying a book...

when you can go to the library.

I don't need any books. I've been married before.

I know about that stuff.

No, Howard, see, what I meant is you're stepping into a pair of work boots...

when you could be running barefoot on the beach.

What's he talking about, Carol?

Going to the beach in your work boots?

That sounds like a good idea, but right now, I'm gonna get married.

Howard, all I'm trying to tell you is...

that there's still time, you know?

- You can still get out of it. - I don't wanna get out of it.

Don't worryJerry. We'll go to the beach sometime.

Uh, there's a piece of paper-

Qgh!

- What's that? -jerry's mad because I won't go to the beach with him.

You got a piece of paper stuck on your back.

Really? Does it say, “Kick me“?

No, it says my phone bill is $68.

- What's up, Howard? - Well, Bob, I need some advice.

But before I askyou, I just want you to know...

that, you know, it's kind of personal.

Well,you want me to leave the room?

No, no. I just got something here. This is really nifty.

- Well, what do you think? - Pink's a good color for you, Howard.

For me?

It's for Ellen for our wedding night. isn't it kind of sexy?

Can you just picture her nice, nice...

soft white shoulders and the beautiful curves of her-

- Uh- Uh, Howard? Howard? - What?

Ellen,you know, is my sister.

That's why I was asking you. You've known her all your life.

Howard, the last pair of pajamas I saw Ellen in were... Dr. Dentons.

She never told me about him.

Howard, uh, I don't think th-those are right for Ellen.

I mean, why don't you return them?

Yeah. I guess you're right.

I just hope Duke takes them back.

I'll seeya.

Oh, Bob, there's a piece of paper on your pants.

You don't really think I'm gonna fall for that old joke, do you?

No.

Halfofthose are old clubs. I thought Emily got you new irons.

- Yeah, she did for our anniversary. - Don't you like them?

I like them a lot. I'd like them even better if I was left-handed.

- So long. Have a good game. - How come you got Bob left-handed golf clubs?

Because they were on sale, and I still don't see what difference it makes.

You could've bought me some left-handed balls.

What's the problem? just buy some left-handed golf balls.

The problem is we're playing a right-handed golf course.

You guys are putting me on, right?

That's okay. Have a good game and get some really high scores.

No, see, Emily, in golf, the object is to get low scores.

I know that, Bob. [Chuckles]

- Hey, bye, Ellen. - Oh. Glad I came.

Hi, Emily. Uh- You got any coffee?

Hi, Emily. Uh- You got any coffee?

Sure. I thought you were interviewing lady wrestlers today.

I was, but they wouldn't let me in the locker room, so, uh, I got the morning free.

- Hey, great. We can talk about the wedding. - Oh, okay.

For starters, I'm really panicked.

Oh, well, that's understandable.

You've been pretty independent for 33 years.

I prefer to think of it as 32...

even though it is 34.

- You're 34? - Mm-hmm.

Gee, I didn't realize you were that much older than I am. [Chuckling]

Okay, why are you afraid?

I really don't know. I just am.

It's kind of like when you plan a dinner party for weeks...

and then after it's all over, you think- [ Scoffs]

“L should've served filet mignon instead of meatballs.“

What's the matter? You afraid you're marrying a meatball?

Oh, it's not that I don't love meat- uh, Howard.

It's just that-

Listen, Ellen, marriage is adjustments.

I mean, making allowances for the other person...

and finding out if they're right-handed or left-handed.

You know, you may not believe this...

but there are still some things about Bob that bother me.

- Like what? - Well, for instance...

he doesn't care about special occasions.

Do you know what he gave me for our sixth wedding anniversary?

- What? - Perfume.

- What's wrong with that? - He always gives me perfume.

Always the same perfume. Because six years ago I said I liked it...

I'm being “Shalimared“ to death.

Well, consider yourself lucky.

Howard gave me a bottle of Scope.

[Laughing]

I'll tell you another thing about Bob that bothers me.

He always chews his food 32 times.

- So do I. - Every mouthful?

Mother used to tell us we had to chew 32 times...

or we couldn't listen to The Lone Ranger.

Well, it's like watching a metronome eat.

[Sighs]

- What? - Nothing.

- Crunchy granola. - I know.

Fifteen, 16-

- What? - Nothing.

- Are you mad at me or something? - Nope.

Good.

You know, I really liked that perfume...

I picked out for you for our anniversary.

You must. You buy it for me all the time.

Every birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day.

Well, I have to admit it wasn't as original as left-handed golf clubs.

At least I gave your gift a little thought. I have the feeling...

that you walk into a drugstore and bought me the first thing you saw.

No, the first thing I saw was one of those neck braces.

[Sighs]

- You're sure nothing's wrong? - Mm-hmm.

- Good. - Did you talk to Howard today?

No, I think he was out trying to find Duke to select his silver pattern.

Well, I talked to Ellen, and I think she's getting cold feet.

Everybody gets cold feet. I got cold feet when I was gonna marryyou.

- You did? - There were a lot of big adjustments to make.

What big adjustments did you have to make?

No big adjustments,just, you know, a lot of little adjustments.

- Like what? - It's not important.

- I'd really like to know. - Like I had to adjust to, uh...

the toothpaste being squeezed in the middle.

You cut your sandwiches on diagonal instead of across.

- What about the fact that I use your razor? - I've never adjusted to that.

Thirty, 31,32.

Well, I guess, uh...

Howard will adjust to Ellen just like I adjusted to you.

Do you know that you always chew your food 32 times?

Yeah, my mother taught me that.

She used to say...

“32 times keeps your tummy from danger...

then you can stay up and listen to The Lone Ranger. ”

Well, stop it.

It's been driving me up the wall for six years.

Well, I didn't know that. All right.

I won't do it anymore.

You, uh, let me chew four more times, I'll let you use my razor.

♪♪ [ Instrumental]

♪♪ [ Singing 1

JM Humming]

[Laughs]

♪♪ [ Singing 1

;; [Continues]

- Oh, hi. - Catching up onyourironingg huh?

Yeah, as soon as I get that iron to heat up. How are you?

- Mmm! - [ Mutters]

Remember the night I broke off my engagement tojohn and came over to tell you about it?

- You were ironing then. - Yeah, I was ironing then because I was depressed.

- I'm ironing now because my shirts are rumpled. -[Chuckling]

Oh, you're playing our song.

Well, I always play our song when I'm ironing.

I have 13 different versions.

One for each shirt.

Would you like to hear a Les Paul and Mary Ford or a Canned Heat?

- Oh, Howard, no, not right now. - ♪♪ [ 5mm]

Oh, listen, Howard. I, uh-l picked up a copy of the wedding invitations.

Oh, great. Oh, great.

Let me see that. Oh!

“Ellen Marie Inez Hartley“? [Laughing]

- Yes? - You never told me about the Inez part.

Ifone of your names was Inez, you wouldn't tell anybody either.

What a dumb name.

Well, some of it's gonna change.

Soon we'll be Ellen and Howard Borden.

Wow, I love the way that sounds.

- Howard Borden. - Mmm.

Wow.

Yeah. It won't be long now.

Yeah.

Man and wife. It's kind of- it's kind of scary.

Yeah. Especially the wife part.

Uh, it sure is a big step.

Yeah, it's a once-in-a-lifetime step.

Actually, for me, it's a twice-in-a-lifetime step.

Mr. and Mrs. Borden.

Wow.

“Wow“ is right.

Do you think we're doing the right thing?

- No. - I've been trying to figure it out all week.

I know it sounds kind of crazy, but I just don't think I'm ready for marriage.

I know. I made a mistake in one marriage. I don't wanna make a mistake in the other.

I mean, marriage could ruin a perfectly good relationship.

I travel all the time. That wouldn't be fair to you.

I'm really involved with my job. That wouldn't be fair to you.

- I'm set in my ways. - I have lots of faults.

I know.

The important thing is that... I just don't wanna get married.

Yeah.

- Me either. - I mean, not right now.

Yeah. Well, what do you think we should do?

Well, we could just keep going the way we've been going, I guess.

Yeah, I guess so. Maybe it'd be a good idea to kind of date, huh?

Yeah. Maybe it'd be good for both of us.

- Yeah. What are you doing next Wednesday? - I have a date.

Oh.

With you.

Oh! Oh. [Chuckling]

- Then you still like me. - Oh.

Howard, I still love you.

Well, I have to get some sleep.

I, uh- I have to interview a jockey at 5:00 a.m.

Oh. Why so early?

That's when they get up to take the horses out to exercise.

I guess thosejockeys have to exercise a lot to stay that short.

- Oh. See you later. - Yeah.

Here's looking at you, kid.

♪♪ [ Instrumental]

♪♪ [ Singing 1

JM Humming, Stops]

Here's looking at you, kid!

Carol usually orders me a dozen file folders, so I'll take those...

a box of gummed labels and a couple dozen felt-tip pens.

- Oh, fine. - And she also said...

she needs some, uh, staples and some paper clips.

F red, I notice you're writing left-handed.

Oh, sorry.

No. No, no, that's all right. Are-Are you left-handed?

Yes.

You play golf?

No, golfs dull.

- L- I think that's all we need. -Yeah, I'm square.

- See you next time. - Fine.

Oh, uh, where's Carol?

- She went to Europe. - She got the chicken pox.

I'm happy for her. That's too bad.

[ Mews]